How to Tell Your Children About The Divorce

Posted on June 8, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens

Children often fear they will "lose" one of their parents in a divorce.  Here are a few tips to help reduce that concern when telling your children about your decision to get a divorce:

  • Agree on what you’re going to say.  You and your spouse should discuss and determine what you are going to say before talking to your children. This will help ensure that you don’t contradict each other when discussing this decision.
  • Tell them as a couple.  You should make every effort to do so, even if it requires putting your animosity aside for a while.  By doing this, you will convey to the children that, although your marriage may be ending, you can cooperate as their parents, and that they still have a family – just a different kind of family.
  • Play fair with each other.  You should both agree that when talking to the children, you will not play the "blame game" or encourage your children to side with one parent over the other one.
  • Be honest, realistic, and avoid emotions.  Try to be honest about why you are getting divorced, while keeping the children’s ages in mind and avoiding sordid details behind the separation.  Reassure your children that the divorce has nothing to do with them.  Try not to get emotional when you tell your children about your divorce, because it can be frightening for children to see a parent cry or get very upset.
  • Help them absorb the news.  It can sometimes help to give your children a little extra attention after telling them of the decision to divorce.  Be sure to let your children’s teacher or childcare provider know what is going on.  If the children need more help, consider involving a professional counselor.
  • Watch your own behavior around your children.  Don’t fight with your spouse or say negative things about your spouse to the children or in hearing range of your children.   Avoid making your children your confidantes or your comforter.  Don’t interfere with your children’s relationship with your spouse.

Source:  "Telling Your Children about the Divorce", published at Dummies.com.

 

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