Divorce is a difficult time for anyone. If the couple has children, this is a dynamic that often brings additional stress to the process. There are many important points that can be made in regards to helping kids cope and adjust to the new arrangements between both parents. One of the most essential points is co-parenting.
What is Co-Parenting?
This is the ability for two individuals to communicate effectively and consistently in regards to raising their children. Usually people that co-parent have most rules, consequences, and rewards agreed upon for their children. Co-parenting can be tough when a married couple is together. Living in two separate houses creates a real challenge.
Why is Co-Parenting Important?
Children need consistent structure and boundaries from their parents. Children naturally will push against and test these boundaries out. This pushing of boundaries is completely normal and expected. When they push against these boundaries and receive different responses from different parents they are quick to pick up that they can use this to their advantage. Children will often play one parent against the other, act out, and may even have increased behavior problems if there is not consistency between both parents.
Why don’t those kids just stop playing the parents…..
This is wishful thinking. Children are smart, very observant, and most times will try to get what they want. An important part of helping children develop is to have clear boundaries to learn healthy ways of getting what they want. (This will include experiences where they do not get their way). It is difficult for a child to choose healthy problem solving if it is easier just to play one parent against the other.
Easier said than done.
Co-parenting is hard especially if you are trying to do this with a person that brings up negative feelings. If you are having trouble agreeing with your ex- partner about parenting issues I would encourage parents to start small. See if there are at least one or two things that each agree on for rules, structure, and consequences. Another options is to agree on minimal amounts of communication that is only to be used to discuss raising the children.
No Need for a Mirror Image
Co-parenting does NOT mean you have to do everything the same. It is unreasonable to think both homes will have the exact same routines, consequences, and structure for everything. That being said, the more consistency you have the better. If a child knows his/her consequence will carry over to the other parent’s home, he or she will be less likely to manipulate. (This requires both parents to agree on a certain consequence before hand).
It is important that your child have positive time with both parents while experiencing consistent rules and structure. Children may feel increased security if they can depend on both parents to work together even when divorced.
The above information is general information and should NOT be considered professional advice. If you are having any individual, couple, or family difficulties related to this topic or any psychiatric problem, please consult a licensed professional for an individualized assessment to meet your needs.
About the Author: Michael Kovach is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a former elementary school teacher. Along with articles related to family therapy he writes about traditional education degrees as well as informational articles for those considering an online degree .