Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Stevens-MacPhail Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

A new study appears in a recent issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family found that for children of divorce, what happens after their parents split up may be just as important to their long-term well-being as the divorce itself.  Children who lived in unstable family situations after their parents divorced fared much worse as adults on a variety of measures compared to children who had stable post-divorce family situations.

“For many children with divorced parents, particularly young ones, the divorce does not mark the end of family structure changes – it marks the beginning,” said Yongmin Sun, co-author of the study and associate professor of sociology at Ohio State University’s Mansfield campus.  “A stable family situation after divorce does not erase the negative effects of a divorce, but children in this situation fare much better than do those who experience chronic instability”

Source:  "Post-divorce Parenting" published at the Family Law Prof Blog.

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Parenthood sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be - especially for step-parents, who are often the unsung heroes of blended families.  These step-parents face multiple challenges, as they frequently must deal with rejection and parent effectively while preserving a loving relationship with his/her spouse.

To increase the chances of success for blended families, consider the following tips:

• The parents should inquire regularly about each other's feelings and be ready to listen without getting defensive or unduly upset with the children.
• The parents should establish clear behavioral expectations and communicate them to the children. They should do this together and make sure both parents' commitment to the plan is clear to the children.
• The parents should anticipate the children's reactions to these behavioral expectations and decide how to manage them.
• The parents should impose predetermined consequences whenever children act out. If the misbehavior seems related to the divorce, address the issues directly.
• The parents should articulate the specific role the step-parent wishes to play.
• The step-parent should explain he/she will parent but has no intention of trying to replace or be more powerful than the child's birth parent. If teenage children are blended into the family, the step-parent should consider a style more like that of an aunt, uncle, or teacher.
• The step-parent should not criticize a birth parent. When a child begins to make comparisons, a step-parent should simply state that this is how he/she has decided to do things in his/her home.
• The step-parent should establish cordial relations with the birth parent and cooperate when practical. If children see their step-parent and birth parent getting along, they will accept the step-parent more readily.
• The step-parent should try not to take rejection personally. All children test parents and periodically push them away as a means of seizing power in the relationship or proving parents mean what they say.
• The step-parent should do things with the stepchildren that are mutually enjoyable and try to spend time with them individually. Make sure the child knows this time is important to the step-parent.

Source:  "Stepmothers Also Deserve Respect, Gratitude" by Dennis O'Brien, published at the Warrenton Journal.

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From The Oregon Divorce Blog:

Clients often come to me asking whether they or their ex-spouse/unmarried parent of their child can claim their joint child as a dependents for tax purposes and receive the dependent tax exemption. They often think that this is a decision that is up to them and attorneys often use it as a bargaining chip.

In a divorce or custody case I am representing clients in state court. The United States Congress, through the tax code, has determined how the child/dependent tax exemption should be awarded. The supremacy clause of the United States Constitution prevents state courts from deciding issues of federal law. This means that a state court cannot properly award the exemption to a parent who otherwise would not qualify for the exemption under federal law.

The qualifying parent under IRS rules is the “custodial parent,” which is defined as “the parent having custody for the greater portion of the calendar year.” The award of “legal custody” has no effect on this definition, rather the custodial parent is “the parent with whom the child resides for a greater number of nights during the calendar year.” In cases where the child resides an equal number of overnights with each parent, the parent with the higher adjusted gross income for the calendar year is awarded the exemption.

Parties can agree to share the exemption or to have the parent that does not qualify receive the exemption. This is usually accomplished by a provision in the parties’ judgment. In order to provide the non-qualifying parent with the exemption, the qualifying parent must sign a written declaration and the declaration must be attached to the non-custodial/non-qualifying parent’s income tax return. This can be completed using IRS tax form 8332, which can be found here http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f8332.pdf.

A decision to allocate the dependent exemption to the non-qualifying parent should not be taken lightly. In addition to the exemption, the non-qualifying parent will also receive the child tax credit. Therefore, an agreement to deviate from IRS rules can have significant tax impacts for the qualifying parent and creat a tax windfall for the non-qualifying parent. If the agreement will be included as a provision in a judgment, the decision to do so should be carefully discussed with your attorney.

The IRS Frequently Asked Questions located at http://www.irs.gov/faqs/faq-kw46.html provides detailed information on this question.

Source:  "Who Gets to Claim the Child Tax Exemption?" by Sean Stephens, published at The Oregon Divorce Blog.

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The South Carolina Bar's Law Related Education Division has launched LawForKids.org, America's first stand alone web site dedicated to teaching children about the law.  The Site was made possible by collaboration with the Arizona Foundation for Legal Services and Education and an IOLTA grant from the SC Bar.  The specific goal of this site is educating children, their parents, communities, and schools to increase their knowledge about youth laws and to encourage law-abiding behavior.  You can visit the site by clicking HERE.

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The following article is from one of our regular guest columnists, Dr. Trey Kuhne:

A few months ago, a friend sent this to me through the email. I am uncertain who the original author is but was moved so much by it that I thought it might be an encouragement to parents who wonder if their children are ever watching them or not? It is called “When you thought I wasn’t looking.” Take a brief read.

"When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking" by a child

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God!

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I! saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

As children, we saw just about everything our parents did and said and we modeled ourselves  after them, good, bad and indifferent.  Now as parents, you are worried about everything you do because you realize that your children are watching you! Your children deserve excellent parents!

Dads, let your children see you loving and kissing mom, let them see how a man loves a woman with respect.  Dads, let your children observe how you handle difficulties and come to consensus in matters of disagreement.

Moms, let your children see and experience you praising Dad for his love, leadership, and faithfulness to God. Moms, let your children observe how you make decisions, how you consider different possibilities and derive solutions.

Let your children hear your prayers out loud. Let your children see you disagree and then come to consensus again. Teach your children through modeling the kind of behavior that you appreciate so much in your life.

Basically what I am saying is to not withhold from your children the experience of life. They are going to experience it at school, in sports, and with their friends and what better way for them to get it right by experiencing it through the two (or one) of you.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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Hofstra Law Professor Joanna Grossman has taken a careful, scrutinizing look at the Britney Spears case and used it as a backdrop to discuss what everyone should know about family law cases in general and child custody cases in particular.  It is a very interesting read, and here are some of the lessons she discusses:

• Courts, not Divorcing Parents, Ultimately Decide Custody
• Parental Behavior Matters in Custody Battles
• The Paparazzi Are Not the Only Ones Watching Your Every Move

Source:  "Britney Spears: Why She Lost Visitation Rights, and What Her Case Teaches Us About Family Law" by Joanna Grossman, published at FindLaw.  Thanks also to John E. Harding for his post about this article at his California Divorce Blawg.

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The following tips can help divorced parents work better together in matters pertaining to their children:

• Try to make your dealings with your child's other parent as pleasant as you can -- even if he or she doesn't.
• If your ex knows how to get under your skin and uses this knowledge unfairly, resolve to keep your cool anyway.
  
• Bring a friend with you when you have to see your ex in person, as the mere presence of another person often calms the mood.
• Don't hang on to old resentments, especially when your children are present.
  
• Take time to calm down and remind yourself that the remaining connection to your ex is solely about the welfare of your children.
• Bite your tongue when you are tempted to speak ill of your ex in front of the kids.
• Talk to your ex about how to handle discipline, school projects, health-care matters, extracurricular activities and other situations you both need to have input on.

Source:  "After Divorce, Take Steps to Smooth Parenting Issues" by Doreen Nagle, published in The Indianapolis Star.

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When parents divorce, they usually do not want for their child to be around their former spouse's new boyfriend / girlfriend.  In fact, one of the most common questions that family law attorneys are asked is whether this is permissible, with the assumption being that they are not.  However, the answer might surprise you, as it is not what most people expect.

Typically, the Court will allow divorced parents to date and to have their boyfriends / girlfriends around the child, provided (a) the new love interest is not inappropriate for some reason and (b) the new person is not there overnight when the child is present.  Reasons that the new person could be inappropriate include having a criminal record, accusations of child abuse / neglect, past D.S.S. involvement, and the like.
 
If the Court didn't allow boyfriends / girlfriends to be around the child, it would actually be more of a shock if the parent remarried and then the child was then suddenly forced to adjust to a step-parent that he/she had never seen before.  Obviously, putting the child in such a situation would not be in the child's best interest, which is always Court's primary concern.

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Question:  I have been divorced for several years.  My Divorce Decree states that neither party can have the persons of the opposite sex spend the night when the children are present.  My ex-husband now wants to move in with his girlfriend.  If he moves in with her, do I still have to send my children for visitation or can I withhold visitation until they get married?

Answer:  The old adage "two wrongs don't make a right" comes to mind.  If his girlfriend is there overnight when the children are there, he clearly is violating the Order and subject to being held in contempt of court.  However, if you refuse to send the kids and deny his visitation, you would be violating the Order as well and could possibly subject yourself to being held in contempt.  Your best course of action is to remind him about the prohibition on having overnight guests of the opposite sex and to immediately file a contempt action if he violates the Order.

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I have really enjoyed this week's series, which has focused on "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce,"  and I hope that it has provided some helpful tips and useful information for parents who are divorced.  Children can benefit from consistency, and the following tips will help you provide your child with a dependable structure:

• Make, communicate, and consistently enforced reasonable family rules.
• Establish a workable daily schedule so that your child knows what he/she is supposed to be doing, including chores, schoolwork, and free time.
• Be consistent in your relationship with your child.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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Children whose parents divorce sometimes suffer damage to their self-esteem, even when both parents act appropriately.  The following steps can help build children's self-esteem:

• Give your child a sincere compliment when you see him/her doing well or being good.
• Spend time doing things together with your child and let your child choose the activities.
• Ask for, listen to, and consider your child's input on family decisions.
• Don't criticize or belittle the other parent.
• Give your child responsibilities at home so that he/she can contribute and feel competent.
• Teach your child how to do a task correctly, but don't come behind the child and redo what he/she did.
• Share your pride in your child's accomplishments with your friends and do so in front of your child.
• Avoid using derogatory labels when addressing your child, and never call your child any of the following:  stupid, dumb, lazy, clumsy, or crazy.
• Show your love in as many ways as you can - both physically and verbally.
• Teach your child about God's unconditional love.
  

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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This week, I am highlighting excerpts from "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce."  One of the main areas in which problems arise for divorced parents is that of visitation exchanges.  As a family law attorney, hardly a week goes by that I don't have to deal with this particular issue.  Parents who wish to make the visitation exchanges a pleasant experience should:

• Have the child ready for visits on time with the appropriate clothing and other items.
• Do not turn the pick-up and drop-off times into forums for arguing and attacking the other parent.
• Understand that emergency situations sometimes arise that will change the visitation plans.
• Do not arbitrarily change the visitation plans.
• Do not ask or expect the child to "spy" for you.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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When parents divorce, children usually end up living primarily with one parent.  When a child has been close to both parents, it is normal for the child to miss one parent when with the other parent.  The following steps can help ease the children's longing for the other parent:

• Encourage your child to telephone the other parent, care for the other parent, and have photos of the other parent in his/her room.
• Prepare stamped, addressed envelopes to the other parents so that the child can easily write and/or mail items to the other parent.
• Tell the child in what positive ways he or she reminds you of the other parent.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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Yesterday, I noticed a brochure at my church called "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce" that contains good, practical advice for parents who want to help their children in such situations.  This week, I will feature excerpts from this brochure, which I believe will benefit my readers, even those who are not particularly religious.

Divorce is difficult for children of all ages - no matter how young or how old.  One common fear that children have is that they "will lose you too."  As parents, you can take some or all of the following steps to help alleviate that fear and reassure your child:

• Keep your word  ::  If you say that you will be somewhere for your child, then be there.  If you promise to attend a baseball game, then do it.  If you say that you will be home at 6:00 p.m., then be on time.
• Keep your child informed  ::  Always let your children know where you are and how you can be reached by telephone.
• Keep things lighted  ::  Younger children can be reassured by having a night-light in their bedroom or in the hallway.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission offers the following tips on costumes, treats and decorations to help your children trick-or-treat safely this year:

Costumes:

• When purchasing costumes, masks, beards and wigs, look for flame-resistant fabrics such as nylon or polyester, or look for the label "Flame Resistant." Flame-resistant fabrics will resist burning and should extinguish quickly. To minimize the risk of contact with candles and other fire sources, avoid costumes made with flimsy materials and outfits with big, baggy sleeves or billowing skirts.
• Purchase or make costumes that are light, bright and clearly visible to motorists.
• For greater visibility during dusk and darkness, decorate or trim costumes with reflective tape that will glow in the beam of a car's headlights. Bags or sacks also should be light colored or decorated with reflective tape. Reflective tape is usually available in hardware, bicycle and sporting goods stores.
• Children should carry flashlights to see and be seen.
• Costumes should fit well and not drag on the ground to guard against trips and falls.
• Children should wear well-fitting, sturdy shoes. Oversized high heels are not a good idea.
• Tie hats and scarves securely to prevent them from slipping over children's eyes and obstructing vision.
• If your child wears a mask, make sure it fits securely, provides adequate ventilation, and has eye holes large enough to allow full vision.
• Swords, knives and similar costume accessories should be made of soft, flexible materials.

Treats:

• Warn children not to eat any treats until an adult has examined them carefully for evidence of tampering.
• Carefully examine any toys or novelty items received by trick-or-treaters under three years of age. Do not allow young children to have any items that are small enough to present a choking hazard or that have small parts or components that could separate during use and present a choking hazard.

Decorations:

• Keep candles and Jack O' Lanterns away from landings and doorsteps where costumes could brush against the flame.
• Remove obstacles from lawns, steps and porches when expecting trick-or-treaters.
• Indoors, keep candles and Jack O' Lanterns away from curtains, decorations and other combustibles that could catch fire. Do not leave burning candles unattended.
• Indoors or outside, use only lights that have been tested for safety by a recognized testing laboratory. Check each set of lights, new or old, for broken or cracked sockets, frayed or bare wires, or loose connections. Discard damaged sets.
• Don't overload extension cords.

Source:  "CPSC Reminds Parents to Keep Trick-or-Treaters Safe this Halloween"

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What happens when parents cannot agree on issues pertaining to their children? In the past, this situation typically resulted in both parents hiring attorneys, going to Court, slugging it out, and ultimately having a Judge decide the issues for them. Fortunately, there is another option available today for parents facing this situation: utilize a parenting coordinator.

Parenting coordinators usually have backgrounds as mental-health professionals, lawyers or mediators, and they typically have completed a training certification course. Basically, these professionals attempt to establish rules or communication procedures to help parents work together more effectively, and I believe that they can be very helpful in that capacity. Some states can mandate the use of a parenting coordinator, though I am not aware of that ever being done in South Carolina.

Parenting coordinators usually analyze the parents’ communication styles and parenting techniques, and then they suggest ways to improve any deficient areas. In some cases, the coordinators will get input from the children to get their points of view. The goal of the parenting coordinator should be to give parents the skills to resolve disputes themselves, as they are really the best people to make decisions concerning their children.

Situations involving extremely high-conflict parents, domestic violence, substance abuse, or severe mental illness are probably not good candidates for involvement by parenting coordinators. Similarly, I believe that while it might make sense for parents to grant the coordinator the ability to decide “minor” issues should an impasse arise, they should not delegate more important decisions. For instance, I do not believe that parenting coordinators should make decisions that affect the rights of parents, such as custody modifications, relocation decisions, and the like.

Source:  "A Referee for Mom and Dad" by Rachel Emma Silverman, published in The Wall Street Journal.

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I have written several posts on this blog about Parental Alienation Syndrome, such as here, here, and here.  To get another lawyer's take on this subject, I present the following article published by Dan Nunley at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog a few months ago:

Statistics show that approximately one in two marriages end in divorce and about ten percent of those divorces involve child custody battles.  During these emotionally charged proceedings, some children exhibit emotional detachment from one or both parents.  The cause of this emotional detachment is unknown and the issues involved are complex.

One suggested theory, developed by the late Richard A. Gardner, M.D., has come to be known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS).  PAS typically portrays one parent as an evil alienator who through consistent brainwashing is responsible for turning an impressionable and vulnerable child against the innocent, enstranged parent.   As a result of this brainwashing, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the enstranged parent.

PAS is becoming an issue in more and more custody cases.  However, the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to its statement on PAS.

The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children.

Read more about PAS in this recent article from Lawyers Weekly USA.

Source:  "Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Dan Nunley, published at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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I previously posted how online resources can help parents better work together, which will benefit their children.  Online calendars, like Google Calendar, can help parents (whether living together or apart) keep track of their children's activity schedule, which can be hectic and change frequently.

Parents who are separated or divorced can track the child's physical custody (or visitation) schedule, as seen in this example.  Using the calendar in this manner helps both parents will know when the children will be with them on a given day, which helps them arrange transportation for the children's various activities.  The online calendar can also document which parent had the child on which day in case a dispute arises later.  As an added bonus, the calendars print out nicely (like in this sample).

Another (though less obvious) type of online resource that can assist separated parents are document / spreadsheet applications, such as Google Docs & Spreadsheets.  Parents have an obligation to pay certain expenses for their children, such as medical expenses that are not covered by insurance; day care costs; clothing and supplies; extracurricular activities; school lunches; etc.  It is surprising how often disputes arise because one parent claims that the other hasn't paid his/her share, only to have that parent claim that he/she never received the necessary information. 

By using an online spreadsheet (like this sample) to track this information, the parents can track the cost for any types of items, determine each parent's share, and show whether or not that amount has been paid.  Online documents could even be used as a type of journal to exchange necessary information in situations where the parents have severe communication problems.

By using these online resources, parents should be able to minimize or greatly reduce communication problems in the future.  Less friction between the parents should result in them having a better working relationship, which will certainly yield happier, better adjusted children.  Please share your thoughts on these (and other) online resources in the Comments section below.

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This post will follow up yesterday's post about the losses that children suffer when their parents divorce.  Today, we will look at ways parents can help their children cope with divorce.  The fact is that parents can have a positive impact on this process, if they will do the following:

1. Reassurance – Reassure them of your love, and your ex-spouses love for them. Remind them frequently that your divorce had nothing to do with them, that they are not at fault, and that your love for them will never change.
2. Flexibility – Be flexible to meet your child’s needs above your own. If your ex has visitation scheduled for a weekend when your son has a soccer game, let your ex go to the game, and you stay home. Try to work together to meet your child’s needs, and not get petty with visitation scheduling.
3. Respect – Never, never, never, speak badly about your ex in front of your children. Always be respectful of your ex in words and actions in front of your kids. If you want to sound off, do that with your friends, never your kids.
4. Curtail Dating – I believe that when you make the decision to divorce, you also make the decision that your kids come first. Don’t begin dating and introducing new people into your kids lives. It will only add to more loss. If you feel the need to date, do so when the kids are visiting your ex, or when they in bed at night. Your time is limited, and it should be spent with your kids. Only introduce someone to your kids if you are engaged and plan on marrying again.
5. Fake It – Sometimes you won’t feel like being kind towards your ex, and that’s when you’ll just have to fake it. Put a smile on your face, be respectful and nice. Remember, the gift of kindness you are giving is not for your ex, it is for your kids. They need that gift most of all.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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In her article, The Devastation of Divorce, Trish Berg states that children of divorce suffer a myriad of losses when their parents divorce.  Ms. Berg says that it’s difficult to understand the impact divorce has on the children's lives until we examine the losses they suffer in this process.  She lists the following five main losses children experience during divorce:

1. Loss of Dad - When parents divorce, typically the dad leaves the home, and may not be present much in the lives of the children. This causes an emotional vacuum for the children, and they may feel rejected, alone, and unloved, no matter how much the single parent loves them.
2. Loss of Money – When dad leaves, so does a lot of the money. Economic resource are, at best, cut in half, at worst, single parent families live in poverty.
3. Loss of Security – Kids of divorce often move to a new, smaller home, in a new town, with a new school. They now have to visit their dad. If mom and dad then begin dating, an entirely new stress is added to their lives. Their sense of stability and security is shaken as their world has forever changed.
4. Loss of Harmony – Many kids whose parents divorce feel caught in the middle. The fighting may have stopped, but now Mom may talk negatively about dad, and dad may gripe about mom, all in front of the kids. Parents may play games with visitation, and hold the children as emotional ransom. This loss of harmony causes tremendous chaos and stress for kids.
5. Loss of Simplicity – Life for children of divorce can get very complicated. They have to schedule everything they do, and remember what weekends they are visiting dad so they don’t play in a soccer league with games then. They have to split heir holiday time - Christmas Eve with dad, Christmas morning with mom. And when life events hit, they have to worry about mom and dad being in the same place. Who will come to my eighth grade graduation? Will they see each other? Will they fight? Family life is now complex and chaotic, and that will last for the rest of their lives.

Note from Ben Stevens:  While I agree with many of Ms. Berg's points, her article presumes that the mother will have custody of the children.  Of course, as I have discussed previously on this Blog, that is not necessarily the case.  Fathers who are active in their children's lives have a good chance of getting custody, if they sincerely desire and take the proper steps to do so.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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Birthdays and holidays can be especially problematic for newly divorced parents who share custody of their children. Naturally, it will take some time for your family to adjust to the new parenting arrangement. Avoiding confusion, ambiguity and the resulting conflict is essential to maintaining healthy relationship with your children. Emily Doskow at Nolo has written an excellent article outlining 10 tips for recently divorced parents seeking to enjoy holidays without conflict and disappointment.

1. Be Flexible

Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid’s needs.

For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is “officially.”

2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead

Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children’s mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.

3. Be Kind and Generous

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can’t say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their sibling, grandparent, or stepparent.

4. Keep Your Word

Be particularly careful to follow through on whatever promises you make related to the holidays. It’s extra important to keep promises to your kids around holiday times — the holidays are a big deal for kids.

5. Include the Kids In Your Planning

Whenever it’s reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex.

6. Create Two Holidays or Birthdays

Having two holiday or birthday celebrations for the children — one at your house, one at Mom’s — is often a positive solution for extended families. Just make sure that the plans you make are collaborative and that they are made well in advance. This arrangement reinforces for the kids that they have two homes and cements new family rituals and holiday customs.

7. Avoid the Indulgence Trap

Many divorced parents, especially dads, are still reeling from their personal hurt and guilt over the divorce. They may be overwhelmed by these feelings and respond to the children’s pain with too much money or too many gifts. Try to stay away from this unhealthy dynamic with your kids.

8. Take Care of Yourself If You’re Alone

Holiday time can trigger a resurgence of memories and melancholy feelings, especially if you are surrounded by couples and families. As holidays or birthdays approach, if you know you’re not going to get to see your kids, be sure to make your own special plans for the day.

9. Build New Family Traditions

Divorced parents, especially dads, often make the mistake of trying to duplicate exactly the pre-divorce family traditions. But you’ll be much happier and more satisfied if you create your own traditions for your new family.

10. Nurture Your Blended Family at the Holidays

If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family, and get all the kids involved with planning what you’ll do together and incorporating everyone’s traditions.

Birthdays and holidays are special times for you and your kids. Communicate clearly and stay calm and flexible, and your extended family will have something to celebrate.

Source:  "10 Tips for Divorced Parents" by Hugh W. Barrow, published at the Kentucky Family Law Blog.

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In child custody cases, parents often accuse each other of leaving the child inadequately supervised.  The allegations can be that the child was left home alone or left with someone who cannot properly supervise the child (such as relatives who are too old or too young).  Left Unsupervised: A Look at the Most Vulnerable Children, a 2003 study published by the non-profit research organization Child Trends addressed the large number of children are left without care and supervision by their parents.

Surprisingly, most States do not have regulations or laws about when a child is considered old enough to care for himself/herself or to care for other children.  Some states have guidelines or recommendations that are usually distributed through child protective services at the county level.  Similarly, reports of child neglect can be made to the S.C. Department of Social Services, though the response their tends to be very inconsistent and erratic.

As a practical matter, the difficulty in this area centers on the fact that every child is different.  Establishing a rule that a child must be X years old to stay home alone or supervise other children would not solve this problem, because some children are mature at an early age, some are immature, and many fall somewhere in the middle.  Wise parents base their decision about leaving his or her minor child unsupervised upon careful consideration of the child's maturity and emotional stability.

Family dynamics also must play a part in a parent's decisions about child care. Should a sibling be left in charge of younger siblings? If so, how old should that sibling be? How long should or could he/she be in charge? In some families, it would never work to leave one child in charge because of family dynamics, sibling rivalries, or other special challenges faced by one of more of the children.  The maturity and capabilities of the elected babysitter should be the controlling factors.

To help parents ensure that their children are safe, the University of Michigan Health System has compiled an excellent resource Babysitter Safety - What Parents and Sitters Need to Know.  This website includes the following types of information:  how to choose a babysitter, things to tell the sitter before you leave, information sitters should have, resources for sitters, the dangers of leaving kids home alone, information about problems associated with sibling sitters, and more.

Source:  "Home Alone: Child Care and Babysitter Issues" by Jeanne M. Hannah, published at her Updates in Michigan Family Law blog.

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What happens when one parent wants to change custody after there is already an existing child custody order?  I have received several inquiries on this topic recently, which is very common this time of year, since school resumes in a few weeks.

In these cases, the parent wanting the change has basically two options, depending on the circumstances of each particular case:

• If both parents agree that custody should be changed from parent A to parent B, the best solution is usually to pursue a child custody agreement.  This process generally involves having an attorney draft a written agreement, which both parents then review.  If it meets with everyone's approval, the parents then sign it, and a hearing is scheduled to ask the Court to approve the agreement.  An Order is issued, which incorporates the agreement into it and most importantly, makes it enforcible if either parent attempts to violate its terms.
• If the parents do not agree, then the non-custodial parent will need to file an action asking the Family Court to change custody of the child.  Typically, the parent seeking custody must prove that there has been a significant or substantial change of circumstances since the parties were last before the Court on this issue.  Next, the Court must determine if the change of custody is in the best interest of the child.  As I have discussed previously on this blog, the Court takes many factors into consideration as part of its analysis, including the child's preference.

Of course, as I noted above, child custody cases are very fact specific, and each case is different.  If you are facing this situation, the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to seek the advice of an experienced, qualified family law attorney who can help you analyze your case and determine what steps, if any, you should take.

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A psychological (or de facto) parent  can be defined as a person who has, on a day-to-day basis, undertaken a parental role through interaction, companionship, interplay, and mutuality, that fulfills a child’s physical and psychological needs and provides for a child’s emotional and financial support.

South Carolina has adopted a four-prong test for determining whether a person has become a psychological parent.  Specifically, in order to demonstrate the existence of a psychological parent-child relationship, one must show:

1. that the biological or adoptive parent(s) consented to, and fostered, the person's formation and establishment of a parent-like relationship with the child;
2. that the person and the child lived together in the same household;
3. that the person assumed obligations of parenthood by taking significant responsibility for the child’s care, education and development, including contributing towards the child’s support, without expectation of financial compensation; and
4. that the person has been in a parental role for a length of time sufficient to have established with the child a bonded, dependent relationship parental in nature.

In announcing this test, the Court of Appeals stated that [t]hese four factors ensure that a nonparent’s eligibility for psychological parent status will be strictly limited.  It also cautioned that psychological parents do not automatically have the right to demand custody in a dispute between the legal parent and psychological parent, as the limited right of the psychological parent cannot usually overcome the legal parent’s right to control the upbringing of his or her child.

The Court reasoned that once the bond between the psychological parent and child was established, it should not be unilaterally severed by the biological parent who fostered the relationship in the first place.  The standard to be applied is whether compelling circumstances exist to overcome the presumption that a fit, legal parent acts in the child’s best interest, and of course, visitation must actually be in the child’s best interest. The compelling circumstances standard encompasses a situation where, as here, a third party has attained psychological parent status.

You can read much more about the role and status of psychological parents in South Carolina in Middleton v. Johnson, 369 S.C. 585, 633 S.E.2d 162 (Ct. App. 2006).  This opinion includes a thorough discussion of this theory, including analysis of the decisions from other states.

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Too often in child custody cases, children are asked the following questions or subjected to these comments:

• "Who do you love more? 'Mommy' or 'Daddy?'"
• "Was mom's boyfriend there?"
• "Your father is always late on payments."

Children should never be put in the position of having to deal with "adult" issues.  Just because their parents can't get along, their childhood should not be ruined by such inappropriate conduct. 

Some judges require feuding parents to attend parenting classes to attempt to resolve (or sometimes prevent) such problems.  These classes vary widely in their format, but they generally aim to teach parents how to deal with each other while protecting their children and also to make parents realize how their actions can affect their children.

Even celebrities can benefit from these classes, as evidenced by the ugly child custody battle between Chicago Bear Brian Urlacher and his former lover.  Both parents in that case were ordered to attend a four-hour parenting class to help deal with the problems in their case.

Source:  "Urlacher Custody Judge: Take a Class" by Rummana Hussain, published at The Herald News.

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Numerous studies have found that people who grow up in a broken home have an increased risk of developing depression or having problems with anxiety later in life.  However, MSNBC.com reports that a new study suggests that divorce may not be the root of the offspring's depression after all, but rather that the cause of the divorce and the depression might be the same: shared genes.

The study's lead author, Brian D’Onofrio, an assistant professor of psychology at Indiana University, said, “This study suggests that the increased risk of emotional problems in the offspring of divorced parents is due to genetic risk shared by parents and their offspring.  This is contrary to what a lot of people have assumed in sociology and psychology.”

However, Prof. D'Onofrio cautioned that this doesn’t mean that divorce has no impact on children. His research found that divorce led to an increased risk of alcohol abuse in people who grew up in broken homes.  One of his earlier studies found that other problem behaviors could also be traced to divorce, such as skipping school, getting into fights and stealing.

You can read more about the study published in the July issue of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Depression in Kids of Divorce Blamed on Genes" by Linda Carroll, published at MSNBC.com.

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Clients often ask whether their child can (or will have to) testify in Family Court.  The answer is generally no in almost all cases.  Most experts agree that it is never good for a child to testify in Court, and it may lead to serious psychological damage later in addition to permanently injuring the relationship between the child and one or both parties.

In rare cases, children can sometimes be witnesses in Family Court cases.  In such cases, the child must be of sufficient age or awareness that his/her testimony will be believed.  In some cases, the Judge may agree to talk with a child in Chambers, but most Judges don't -- except in rare, extreme circumstances. Usually, the child’s position in a case is represented through a Guardian ad Litem, who is appointed to protect the child’s interests.

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A Pennsylvania appellate court recently held that three (3) adults were liable for the support of the same children.  In this case, a sperm donor had helped a lesbian couple conceive two children, only to find himself liable for child support, which may be the first ruling of its kind in the United States.  The case was remanded to the trial court to establish how much the donor father would have to pay to the birth mother of the 8-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl.

"I'm unaware of any other state appellate court that has found that a child has, simultaneously, three adults who are financially obligated to the child's support and are also entitled to visitation," said New York Law School professor Arthur S. Leonard, an expert on sexuality and the law.

The two women moved in together as a couple in 1996, and they were granted a civil-union license in Vermont in 2002.  In addition to conceiving the two children with the help of the sperm donor — a longtime friend of one of the women. 

The women's relationship later fell apart, and they separated in February of 2006.  Shortly afterward, a court required one woman to pay support to the custodial mother.  The paying mother then lost an effort to have the court force the father to contribute support, but that decision was overturned on April 30, 2007.

The custodial mother said that the the father provided some financial support over the years and gradually took a greater interest in the children.  "Part of the decision came down because he was so involved with them," she said Wednesday. "It wasn't that he went to the (sperm) bank and that was it. They called him Papa."  The process was very informal, as the child was conceived at home.

In his written opinion requiring the father to help pay for the child's support, the Superior Court Judge noted that the father spent thousands of dollars on the children, including purchases of toys and clothing.  The children knew he was their biological father, but he opposed the effort to compel support from him.

His lawyer, Matthew Aaron Smith said, "We made the argument that, according to Pennsylvania law as it stands, there can really only be two adult individuals that can be held liable for support in a child-custody case."  The paying mother's attorney, Heather Z. Reynosa, wants the father's support obligation to be made retroactive to when the custodial mother first filed for support.  The father died during the pendency of the litigation, and his Social Security survivor benefits may also help reduce the paying mother's monthly obligation.

It is unclear how the child support guidelines, which assume two parents, will be adapted to account for three parents.  "That's what's going to be interesting, because there's not a whole lot of guidance out there," Ms. Reynosa said.  The state Supreme Court is currently considering a similar case, in which a sperm donor wants to enforce a promise made by the mother that he would not have to be involved in the child's life. That biological father was ordered to pay $1,520 in monthly support.  About two-thirds of states have adopted versions of the Uniform Parentage Act that can shield sperm donors from being forced to assume parenting responsibilities. Pennsylvania has no such law.

Note:  The above was compiled from various news articles.  The full appellate decision can be ready by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Sperm Donor and Both Parents Liable for Support (Pennsylvania)" by Alexander R. Rhoads, published at his Iowa Family Law blog.

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Question:  What is the Biggest Mistake Fathers Make in Paternity Cases?

Answer:   Delaying. Many fathers wait too long to legally establish paternity in the family court. While many fathers do not understand the importance of having the family court declare them the legal father of their child and delay on that basis, other fathers simply wait until the relationship with their child's mother goes south or a process server serves them (the father) with papers for child support, child custody and/or visitation. This results in substantial problems that could have been avoided by dealing with the issue under the applicable family laws right away.

Some of the problems delay in establishing paternity can cause include decreased chance of primary physical or joint custody, child support arrearages, an appearance of disinterest and the impression that the Arizona courts are not fair to fathers. Let me explain:

Child Custody and Visitation: The courts like consistency in a child's life. Thus, if a father does not does not have a court order declaring him to be the legal father, it is very likely that the mother has been allowed to prevail on disputed issues regarding those entities that require proof of a parent's legal rights to make decisions. Such entities include schools, daycares, medical facilities, the Office of Vital Records and the like. Thus, it is likely that when it comes to making its decision about legal custody, the family courts usually go with the perceived status quo.

Similarly, if a father does not have anything done officially in the courts to solidify his rights, the mother has complete control over visitation and it is very possible that the father will be having access to his child less than he would prefer. So, as with custody, the family court may opt for the status quo, meaning that the father will receive the [possibly minimal] visitation he received up to the time the family court became involved. Thus, establishing legal rights early can help prevent a negative status quo. Of course, many fathers have their children residing with them or while also living with the child's mother and that is a very relevant factor the court considers when determining child custody and visitation, regardless of when the family court officially declares paternity and visitation rights.

Child Support Arrearages (Arrears): At the time the family court establishes legal paternity (via an "Order of Paternity"), the family court almost always also establishes child support. Like it or not, the family court also routinely orders that child support be made retroactive to a certain date. How far back the family court can go in retroactively apply child support varies based on a case's particular facts but the normal rule of law is three years. Thus, if a father either paid nothing or underpaid pursuant to the Child Support Guidelines, the father will have to pay both his current support and the arrears. In addition, the court can order that the father pay costs associated with the child's birth and the mother's expenses related thereto. Therefore, it is best to legally establish paternity quickly to avoid having large child support arrearages and other amounts owed.

The Appearance of Disinterest: It is possible that when a father waits too long to officially request his legal rights to his child, a family court judge could see it as a sign of disinterest. This varies from situation to situation but in the case where a father does not live with his child, it looks better when the father shows enough interest to study up on his legal rights and initiate court proceedings to officialize custody and visitation (parental access), decision-making rights and child support. In particular, judges may see in negative terms a father's request for visitation and other legal rights done only after a mother brings an action in the family court to establish paternity and child support.

Unfairness to Fathers: There may a number of factors that make some believe that the family courts are not fair to fathers when it comes to child custody, child support and parenting time. Obviously, that is a big debate. However, my personal experience shows me that the perception is worse for those fathers who delay establishing paternity. As discussed above, delay can mean that mothers have an advantage over fathers.

Source:  "What is the Biggest Mistake Fathers Make in Paternity Cases?" by Trent Wilcox, published at his Arizona Divorce & Family Law blog.

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If you have a child who has had to deal with a divorce, you should know about a A Kid's Guide to Divorce.  This website explains divorce in helpful language from a child's point of view.  Divorce can be a scary thing to grownups, so you can only imagine how children must feel about it.  The website has sections titled "Kids Can't Cause a Divorce!" and "Kids Can't Fix a Divorce".  It is available in both English and Spanish versions.

Source:  "A Kid's Guide to Divorce" by James J. Gross, published at his Not Just Every Other Weekend blog.

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Today, April 25th, is Parental Alienation Awareness Day.  The "simple" definition of parental alienation is behavior done by a third party which interferes with a normal parent-child relationship.  Common methods of alienating a parent include speaking negatively to or about a parent in front of the child, interfering with communication and visitation, and/or sharing inappropriate information with the child.  You can learn more about both parental alienation and Parental Alienation Awareness Day by
visiting Parental-Alienation-Awareness.com.

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Experts say that parents can make a huge difference in how well their children adjust to a divorce and spare their children a lot of unnecessary extra pain, if the adults handle it well.  The following tips can help parents help their children deal with their divorce:

• Realize that they cannot take away inevitable pain and stress from a divorce, because it simply hurts.
• View your future ex-husband or ex-wife as the parent of your child, regardless of his or her failures as a spouse, and the hurt feelings between you.
• Understand that when you have children and get a divorce, like it or not, your relationship with your ex-spouse must become a cordial business partnership as much as possible, for the sake of the children
• Don’t be disrespectful toward each other -- which tends to put kids in the middle -- or imply or say that the divorce is somehow the children's fault.
• Tell the children that a parent's love never will change, and the parents will continue involvement in the children's lives.
• Manage their own emotions in front of their kids so they can create as positive an environment for the children as possible.

Source:  "How to Help Kids Cope With Parents' Divorce" by Kellie B. Gormly, published in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review.  Thanks to Janet Langjahr for her post on this topic at the Florida Divorce * Child Custody * Domestic Violence Law blog.

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For anyone concerned about their children's online safety, CNET has produced an extensive guide to keeping kids safe online.  Not only is there written information, but the guide also contains video reviews, demonstrations, and parent-driven discussion groups.  Their guide is divided into the following six sections:

1. Developing safe and smart Internet citizens
2. Parental controls that keep tabs on young Web surfers
3. Growing concerns over cyberbullying
4. Parents, tech outdo lawmakers on Internet safety
5. User-generated videos challenge parental controls
6. Readers address online safety for kids

Source:  "Keep Your Kids Safe Online" published at CNET.com.  Thanks to Rick Broida for his post at LifeHacker on this topic.

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Syndicated columnist, college professor, and author Tom McMahon, offers the following guidelines for parents involved in contentious divorces to follow to minimize the negative effects on their children:

• Coexist peacefully with your former spouse. This involves putting aside your differences for the sake of the children and supporting each other in the continuing roles as parents. Both parents should encourage each other to maintain contact with the children.
• Do not argue in front of your children.
• Children need consistency in their lives. Whenever possible, keep the same daily routines. If you share custody, both spouses should agree on the same household routines (bedtime, mealtime, discipline, etc.).
• Do not use your children for emotional support during your divorce. Connect with adult friends and relatives for support.
• Wait until your children are mostly healed from the divorce before you begin dating.

Source:  "Minimizing The Trauma Of Divorce For Children" by Tom McMahon, published in The Morning News.

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A recent study by the National Institutes of Health found that children who had quality child care before kindergarten had better vocabulary scores by fifth grade, but the more time they spent in child care, the more likely their sixth grade teachers were to report problem behaviors.  As expected, the children's parents’ guidance and their genes had by far the strongest influence on how children behaved.

You can read much more about this study at the following links:

• Study of Early Child Care and Youth Development by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development 
• "Poor Behavior Is Linked to Time in Day Care" by Benedict Carey, published in The New York Times
• "Study Links Child Care to Acting Out" by Kevin Freking, published by the Associated Press

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The US government claims that there were 872,000 reported cases of child abuse or neglect in 2004.  Of course, there are countless other cases which were not reported.  No child deserves to be mistreated, and it is of the utmost importance that everyone act within their abilities to protect them.

A New York foster care and adoption agency put together a list of warning signs to aid in the detection and reporting of child abuse, which include the following indicators:

• a child who fails to thrive
• a child who is improperly dressed for the weather
• a child who wears ill-fitting clothing or clothing in poor condition
• a child left without adequate supervision who has been injured by another child in the home
• a child who has indicated that a parenting adult is withholding food
• a parenting adult failing to provide adequate hygiene or seek medical attention for a child
• a child suddenly exhibiting signs of depression
• a child who is always tired
• a child who is always late to school
• a child