South Carolina Family Law Blog : Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Turnipseed, Brannon & Stevens Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

Divorce can be particularly hard on children, especially when the parents don't take the appropriate steps to help protect them during this process.  Children need and have the right to the following, especially in times of family upheaval:

• Being free of the conflict between the parents
• Developing and maintaining an independent relationship with each parent
• Not having to take over the parental responsibility for making custody and/or visitation decisions
• Not being expected or forced to take sides with, defend, or lessen the value of either parent
• Being guided, taught, supervised, disciplined and nurtured by each parent, without interference from the other parent
• Spending time with each parent, regardless of whether or not financial support is given
• Having a personal sleeping area and space for possessions in each parent’s home
• Being physically safe and adequately supervised when in the care of each parent
• Having a stable, consistent and responsible child care arrangement when not supervised by the parents
• Developing and maintaining meaningful relationships with other significant adults, as long as these relationships do not interfere with or replace the children’s primary relationship with their parents
• Expecting that both parents stay informed about medical, dental, educational and legal matters, unless such disclosure would prove harmful to the child
• Participating in age-appropriate activities so long as these activities do not significantly impair their relationship with either parent

Source:  "When Divorcing in Alabama, What should You Tell Your Kids" by Steven D. Eversole, published at his Alabama Divorce & Family Law Blog.

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Most everyone would agree that it is a good idea to shield children from most parental conflict. Nevertheless, there are many times during and after divorces when children get drawn into family disputes and end up in the middle, with both sides pulling on them. The following is a brief list of 5 "Don’ts" and a "Do" that may help avoid such situations.

1. Don’t ask the children to decide. In the heat of family disagreements, it may seem simple or fair to just let the children decide where they want to live, or what visitation schedule they want to follow, etc.; parents may feel that’s like having a neutral person make the decision. Unfortunately, that puts a lot of pressure on the children and sets them up for guilt feelings and/or angry parents.
2. Don’t disparage the other parent or his/her family. This can be by direct comments made to a child or it can be done indirectly, such as comments made to others, but overheard by a child. It can also include body language and gestures that indicate disapproval or other bad opinions of the other parent. A child will likely take such actions or words as an attack on him or her.
3. Don’t argue around the kids. Disagreements are normal, even in well-functioning, intact families. Discussions and arguments between adults should take place just between adults, if at all possible. The kids don’t need to be drawn in or manipulated by the situations.
4. Don’t ask the children about the other parent. It’s not necessary for you to know everything that goes on when your children are with the other parent. Children will often tell about things they enjoyed or about big events, good or bad. Children don’t like being grilled about what happens when they visit their other parent.
5. Don’t use the children as messengers. If you want to send a message to the other parent, talk directly by phone or in person, send a letter or send an email. Kids aren’t always dependable anyway. And if you send a message by the children and then the other parent reacts badly when the message is delivered, the children are likely going to feel that they caused the problem.

Finally, something you can Do:

Do take a co-parenting class, preferably with the other parent. There are several good classes available in this area in person and even on line. I recommend the "in-person" class because you can learn more and get specific questions answered.

If you can avoid the temptation to put your children in the middle of adult disputes, your children will be happier and you should have better relationships with them (and maybe the other parent as well). If both parents will take a co-parenting class, all of this advice may be unnecessary!

Source:  "How to Keep Your Child Out of the Middle" by Dick Price, published at his Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County, Texas blog.

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A recent article in Time addresses the issue of parents "overparenting" their children.  Parents have become obsessed with their child’s safety and education, and that's not necessarily a good thing.  Consider whether the following is too much:

• Some parents demanded that a nursery offer to teach Mandarin, claiming it’s never to soon to prepare children for the competition of a global economy.
• Other parents began to write their children’s homework and science projects for the best grade.
• A mayor in Connecticut agreed to chop down three hickory trees on one block because a grandmother was worried a stray nut would get in her pool that her grandson who is allergic to nuts occasionally swam in.

In 1969, 41% of parents allowed their children to walk to the bus stop or ride their bikes alone to the bus, but by 2001, it had dropped to only 13%.  Increasingly, parents simply aren’t allowing their children out of their sight, and some parents hover over their children and infantilize them into being incompetent.

People seem to believe that there is a "secret formula" for parenting and that if you just read enough books and spend enough money, everything will be o.k.  The fact is that every child and every family are different, and it is o.k. to disagree or take a different path than what the books and media recommend. No matter how well you protect your child, they are going to have to learn things on their own.

Source:  "Can These Parents Be Saved” by Nancy Gibbs, published in Time (November 30, 2009).

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Do you know how much television your kids watch every day?  Do you really?  If your children are in day care, you probably assume that they are doing things like taking naps and learning to play nicely with others, but you might be surprised to learn that many day care centers allow child to spend as much as two hours a day in front of a television.

A study published last week in the journal Pediatrics, "Preschool-Aged Children's Television Viewing in Child Care Settings" by Dimitri A. Christakis, MD, MPH and Michelle M. Garrison, PhD, was the the first to look at TV watching in child care in more than 20 years.  It found that the amount of time children in child care spend watching TV has doubled since the last study, and preschoolers in child care may now spend more than a third of their 12 waking hours each day in front of a TV (when taking into consideration the two to three hours many parents allow at home).

The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages television viewing of any kind in the first two years of life and recommends a daily limit of only one to two hours of quality programming for older children. Children go to day care to develop social skills, build on cognitive abilities and enjoy imaginative play, as well as allowing their parents to work.  Other research has connected excessive TV watching during the preschool years with language delay, obesity, attention problems and aggression.

Source:  "Some Kids See Lots of TV in Day Care" by Donna Gordon Blankinship, published at AOL News.

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Family Court cases are difficult for adults, but they can be traumatic for children.  After seeing the effect these cases can have on children, Reggie Blackledge, a family law attorney in Collins, Mississippi, wrote the following poem to help adults understand the feelings that children experience when their parents are fighting in court.  I am pleased that Mr. Blackledge granted me permission to publish his poem on my blog, and I hope that you find it as meaningful as I do:

IT’S MY FAULT

I’m 8 years old and I don’t know how I got here.
As far back as I know they’ve been fussing.
At first they would just come out of a room with momma in tears.
Then it got so loud that I couldn’t get anywhere that I didn’t hear them cussing.

I’ve heard that a wife should love her husband, and a husband should love his wife.
That’s what I would keep telling myself when I hid.
But their fighting has been going on my whole life.
It must be something I did.

I try to concentrate when I’m in class, but the teacher’s words just start to fade.
Sometimes I just feel numb.
The teachers are worried about my grades.
I must really be dumb.

Now I live with momma and see daddy off and on.
Even with them living apart it’s still the same.
They may not see each other but when daddy calls me they fight on the phone.
I love them both and want it to stop. I must be to blame.

We went back to court today over what the judge called child custody.
As usual they yelled at each other in the hall.
I’m the child so this custody fight must be about me.
If they are fighting over me I must be the cause.

Court is over now and I’m trying not to think about what was said.
I need to sleep. I just want some rest.
Momma’s nerve pills are by her bed.
I’m so confused and upset.

They were bitter. I lay down on momma’s bed.
I remember my last thought
As I whispered out loud and sleepily said,
“This must all be my fault.”

By: A. Regnal Blackledge, Attorney at Law
Shoemake & Blackledge, PLLC
Collins, Mississippi 39428
www.shoemakeblackledge.com

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The following article was published a couple of years ago by Karen Armstrong, a human development extension agent with North Dakota State University, and it contains several great suggestions to help children deal with family changes during the holiday season:

The holiday season can be stressful enough on its own. Families who have changed the make up of their household because of divorce or marriage since last year have some new challenges.

If this describes your family, watch your children for signs of stress this season. Often times the shopping and decorating is too much for them. Encourage your children to talk about what they are feeling and keep those lines of communication open so they can approach you when they need to.  Because of the holidays, you may feel that you and your children are supposed to be happy, but allow time to deal with the adjustments. For example, it's normal and healthy for children to miss the other parent; acknowledge their feelings and let them know it's okay.

Financial strains become a reality to most families during this time. Communicate with your children's other parent about the gifts that will be purchased. Consider agreeing on a price limit for each parent. This will eliminate the temptation to "out do" the other parent and feeling the need to overcompensate.

Only in special circumstances is it recommended that children be split up at the holidays. They will already be missing the other parent, to miss a sibling will only add to the uncertainty about their new life. Evaluate this situation very carefully.  Plan ahead of time how holidays are to be spent. Make a point to schedule time with each parent during the holiday season.  For parents who feel comfortable sharing the holiday, this can be a good plan if possible. However, be cautious about the time you spend together, especially if the divorce was recent. This can be confusing to the child who is hoping for reconciliation.

If your home has changed because of marriage and you have created a blended family, there are also ways to make your holidays smoother. Choose to continue some special traditions that you had before and some that your new spouse had before your marriage. Changing the entire routine often creates an atmosphere of anger and resentment toward the stepparent. Encourage everyone to share the significance of the tradition so no one feels left out. Decide to create some new, inexpensive traditions that will be easy to carry out every year. The parent who will not be with the children at the holidays has certain responsibilities. Make plans to spend time with friends, family or volunteering. The children will feel anxious about your feelings. They will need reassurance that you will not be lonely.

If you have accepted the responsibility of parenting solo, don't focus on the absent parent at this time. You may not have planned for the holidays to be the way they are, but you can make the most of it. Communities often have groups for single parents that provide activities during the holidays.
When the holidays are over you may feel exhausted, let down, even depressed. It is typical to believe you feel this way because the holidays were disappointing to your family or kids. If that's the case, think about what could be done differently in the future. Also remember that this may be your body's way of telling you to take some time for yourself now and relax.

Source:  "Helping Children with Family Change during the Holiday Season" by Karen Armstrong, a human development extension agent with North Dakota State University.

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What should you do for Halloween in order for everyone to have a good time, despite the fact that you're no longer living in the same house together as a family?  Divorce360.com compiled the following tips from several experts to help with this situation:

1. Keep children informed. Let the child know ahead of time what will happen on the holiday "so that different expectations will not arise," Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. said.
2. Don't put the kids in the middle.  Don't ask, 'Do you want to spend Halloween at my house of your mom's (or dad's)?', " said Jann Blackstone Ford, Ph.D.. "That approach tests your child's allegiance. Better to ask, 'Where would you like to spend Halloween?"'
3. Share your children.  "If possible, see if you can share the time during a holiday so that all participate. Perhaps each parent can take half of the time. Or, for Halloween, for example, perhaps one parent can get the costumes and dress the child and the other parent go with them for the trick and treating," Dr. Shoshanna said.
4. Treat the other parent well.  According to Dr. Shoshanna, it is "very helpful for children to see that their parents are treating one another respectuflly during holiday times (as always). Don't use this occasion to reminisce about the pass or say negative things about your ex."
5. Make your own plans.  If you're a parent who is alone during a holiday, don't make a big deal about it or create upset about it in the child. Find a friend to share the time with. Or, use the time to volunteer and be with others. "You don't want to child to feel that they're enjoying the holiday while the other parent is sad or alone," Dr. Shoshanna said. "This may create guilt in them and prevent them from having a good time."

Source: "Parenting: Tips to Help You and your Ex Make this Halloween Fun for the Kids" by Divorce360.com.

 

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Over the last several weeks, I have been proud to exclusively present of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT, a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling in Spartanburg, SC. 

For ease of reference, you can access all seven installments of this excellent series using the links below:

1. The Great Competition: Mom and Dad versus The Children!
2. Where Does all the Time Go?
3. Parents Who Indulge Too Much
4. Renew Your Marriage
5. Privileged Communication
6. Taking Care of Yourself
7. Learning to be Flexible

I know that I learned some helpful tips from this series, and I hope that my readers enjoyed it as much as I did.  Thanks again to Dr. Kuhne for yet another excellent series of posts.

 

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I have been pleased to bring you the exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT over the last six weeks.  Today, I am please to present the final installment, and I want to thank Dr. Kuhne again for allowing me to once again present his series to you on my blog.  Here is part seven:

Learning to be Flexible

Hopefully everyone reading this series has had time by now to go out and get at least one massage. The main part is to focus some on the self and to help the self deal with the stressors in our world with things like massage therapy.

This month, I want to focus on the financial difficulties in the family system, especially for parents with financially needy children. What I mean about financially needy children is that EVERY child is financially needy. Remember from their perspective the world and the family revolves around them and their need, though as parents you know that is not true. But they think it is. And it is for this very reason, that when financial times are tough that the family can share the burden and world together towards a solution. I recommend that parents share with their teenage children the changes that may need to be made within the family financially, being careful not to put too much burden upon the children to own the issue.

Nowadays, it is almost the acceptable norm that every teenager have a cell phone with unlimited text messaging, a car (of course with driving privileges), and a seemingly endless supply of money from the parents. As adults, when times get tough then we learn to be flexible and fluid. Those who can bend the most tend to weather the storms better. Flexibility is the key. We may sell a car, sell the boat, part with some of our stuff on ebay just to make ends meet. I think it is important that your children be a part of the struggling and be a part of the solution

Drop cable or dish TV. Turn off the cell phone. Stop using the car as frequently. Stop going out to eat as often. Stop the wasteful spending. Set a budget and keep it. Stop using credit cards. Drop the perks and reallocate the necessities. Limit the amount of money given to your child. Encourage them to get a job and work for their spending money. Give them an opportunity to pay for the cell phone or cable TV if it is that important to them. What happens when Mom or Dad loses a job and spends more time at home? Usually family life flourishes again and the family reconnects. Families may need to reevaluate the necessities and the perks in the family and adjust accordingly.

When the economy tanks as it has across our nation those most flexible and those most fluid tend to stand a much better chance at survival. It is also a message we hear in our faith. When we face trials and tribulations, be of good cheer because Christ has overcome the world! Let your children see you struggle and suffer and let them be a part of seeing God’s hand at work in His provision.

Being flexible with you in Christ,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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We live in a very mobile society today, and it's increasingly common for divorced parents to move away from each other.  When children are involved, these types of situations are much more complicated.

The ABA General Practice, Solo & Small Firm Division's Law Trends & News recently featured an article which addressed this topic.  "What a Move May Mean for the Child" begins

In our highly mobile society, the geographical relocation of one parent following separation or divorce is increasingly prevalent. Unless the parents agree to a relocation plan, permission for one of the custodial parents to relocate and the terms and conditions of the subsequent parenting plan become a matter for the courts. Relocation creates a situation in which there is a potential for catastrophic trauma to the affected children from the loss of a parent. The best parenting plans recognize this problem and seek to reduce the risks of serious harm.

This article makes some excellent points, and you can read the full text of the article by clicking HERE.

Source:  "What a Move May Mean for the Child" by Samuel Roll and Candace Kern, published in the ABAGeneral Practice, Solo & Small Firm Division's Law Trends & News (Summer 2009).

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I hope that you are enjoying our exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  Here is part six:

Taking Care of Yourself

Each issue of this series has been to share some insight, learning, teaching, or idea to help parents address the elements of life in their world with this Empowering Parents series. Whether it is addressing your children, your marriage, communication issues, or just the stressors of life itself, the ongoing needs asked of you as parents is unending. So this month I would like to offer something a little different that may help right your world and equip you to continue to be an effective parent.

We are always on the go and on the do. Life demands that from us. Life demands and we give. We give to our children, our friends, our family, our church, our work. Always going and always doing. And yet, we have to stop at times to rest and to receive, to take in from the Lord in worship and prayer, to still our minds and still our bodies in physical rest. But with the schedules we keep, we don’t have much time for receiving. Receiving takes time and effort and honestly we just are not very good at it. It’s easier to give, it’s more convenient to give.

So I would like to strongly recommend something that you can receive that feels good, is good for you, and, should you give it 30 minutes to 1 hour of your time, gives you immediate feedback towards better health. That is massage therapy. Under the care of a licensed massage therapist, massage is a gift for the self. Regardless of the type of massage you request (deep tissue, swedish, sports, rehabilitation) or the particular areas that you may focus on (full body, legs, back, neck, etc) getting a massage is a way to experience a type of receiving that few other experiences offer. You lie down on a table and you put your face down in a special holder and you do not talk. You lie there and let someone minister to you, massaging the pains, tensions, and hurts away.

Massage feels good. It improves circulation. It helps to mend the pains and hurts of the areas of our bodies that we strain. I so believe in massage therapy for my personal well being that I have gone on average once every 3-4 weeks since 1999. Some consider massage therapy a privileged benefit but I consider it a necessity. It is as necessary as going to the chiropractor for my neck/back adjustments, to my family physician for general healthcare, to my counselor for my emotional pressures, and even to my oncologist for ongoing cancer treatment.

Take time to take care of yourself. Give your self and your spouse the gift of massage on a regular basis and see if it doesn’t help make life a little bit easier to maintain.

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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So what do teens really think when their parents divorce?  The Today Show recently had a panel discussion with nine teenagers addressing such subjects as: When did you know? Did you think it's your fault? Were you relieved when you found out? How did your parents explain the divorce to you?  How long did it take you to come to grips with the divorce?  It is a very interesting discussion, and I hope that you enjoy it.

 

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The following is part five of our exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

Privileged Communication

I hope those reading this series are thinking about renewing your marriage and perhaps other relationships. Renewal of relationships is important because it is a way to value those relationships. Think through those who are your friends. Take a moment to tell them how special they are to you and how you appreciate their part in your life.

Telling those we love how important they are to us is privileged communication. In legal terms, privileged communications are conversations that are protected in trust when one sees a counselor or clergy, in that signed release is required before such information can be made public. The communication is considered privileged or special because the conditions surrounding the conversation, its content, and the manner in which it is shared are private and held in that privacy much like our money is held in a secure bank vault.

I was thinking about this idea of privileged communication. I deal with it every day in my work. But I was thinking about how conversations with our spouses are also special and privileged. Without the sense of security and privacy enabled by the confidences of our spouse, our own sense of vulnerability could be found in jeopardy.

What makes talking to a counselor so special? The strong and secure sense of confidence and confidentiality. Secrets can be shared where they wouldn’t be shared otherwise. What is so special about talking to a minister or clergy? There is something powerful to be said about being honest, vulnerable, open, real, and free about our relationship with God and the struggles we encounter in everyday life living by faith.

Our relationships and our marriages are psychological, spiritual, and social opportunities of privileged communications. There is even a bible study group called “Call to Discipleship” where the small groups enter into strict confidentiality with one another so that openness, honesty, and a real sense of vulnerability can be shared with one another. Isn’t this a benefit of our marriage as well?

It is an honor and act of respect to your spouse in marriage when you share with them in confidence. Opening up the secret, vulnerable, and private areas of our heart and mind shows to our spouse that we consider them worthy of privileged communications. This kind of trust builds a marriage and empowers each spouse. It is trust in its most basic form.

May this year be a year of more privileged communications with your spouse as you are empowered and strengthened in your marriage and family to the glory of God.

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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Here is part four of the exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

Renew Your Marriage

In the beginning of each new year, we make those useless resolutions to change some aspect of ourselves for “the better.” While there is much value in stopping smoking and even great value in losing 20 lbs of that overweight body mass, I would like to suggest something that is even more valuable than those - your marriage.

This year, 2009, is a great time to refocus your energy and attention onto God’s gift to you – your spouse. If you have no idea of where to begin, may I suggest a marriage communication course given through your local church or contacting a relationship specialist in your area for seminars. Another great place to start is for both spouses to buy the book “The Five Love Languages” and read the book, take the test, and determine your love language. This could very well help you in renewing your marriage.

If you want to be the most empowered you can be as parents, then strengthen the marriage relationship with your spouse. Only when you are able to express your love, appreciation, respect, and honor to your spouse can your children learn to understand those concepts for their own selves. For if you don’t teach these qualities through example in your home and marriage, your children will gladly find tainted sources for this information via friends, internet, media, etc.

Should you need any assistance to begin the renewal journey, I would be more than happy to help. Start with reevaluating your communication systems. Once that is assessed, then move into how you are both respecting/valuing the other in the marriage with your time, your money, and the responsibilities of the family. If you need some starting places, feel free to check out "The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage" found at www.wpcspartanburg.org/pathways.

Renew your marriage in 2009!!

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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I am pleased to continue to present the exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  Here is part three:

Parents Who Indulge Too Much

In a recent continuing education offering for us therapists sponsored by Cross Country Education, I opened the pamphlet to read the following words describing the upcoming conference entitled: Overindulged Children and Conduct Disorder Treating Overindulgent Families:

Overindulgence of children has become a serious issue leading children and teens to conduct disorder symptoms. Overindulged children are creating complex community problems, complications for educators and are clogging our legal system. Bright and loving parents, with intense cognitive distortions, confuse love with overindulgence. Their overindulgences stop them from mentoring their children, leading children to develop what Dr, James Fogarty, EdD (a licensed clinical psychologist) has termed the “lord of the flies” syndrome – a life without boundaries, balance, and conscience. The complications of overindulging children include symptoms of conduct disorder, acute self-centeredness, intense detachment leading to anger and resentment fueling misbehavior, excessive dependency, “it’s-all-about-me” entitlement, manipulation, loss of self-esteem, missing social skills and impulsiveness.

Spartanburg has a problem with parental overindulgence of their children. Maybe you as the parent are doing it out of guilt or shame for how you grew up, vowing to provide for how you were not. Perhaps, you work so much and are not as emotionally involved in the lives of your children so you pacify them with anything they want and more.

Putting your children at emotional risk with overindulgence creates more problems that they cannot handle. And so as parent, you wrongfully confuse love with giving them whatever they want. That is not love. It is indulgence whereby your child learns patterns they can manipulate. When off to college, these overindulged children struggle to manage a life and lifestyle that doesn’t work like it did back at home.

In this Empowering Parenting Series, my goal is to educate and support parents to take back control of the ordering of the family way of life up until your child reaches 18 and goes off to college. That may mean appearing “mean” or being harshly judged as not being as good as “Billy’s” parents. Build systems in the mentoring of your children whereby they actually earn various levels of increase. When they get out of college they will need to know how to earn a living through hard work.

Be intentional in what you display and teach your children. Let them learn authority, respect, and how to handle money, their car, and even the things they buy with their “own” money. Let them learn that they cannot nor will not have everything that they want. Set limits for them so they can learn to appreciate what they do have.

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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Even the most experienced parents can learn something from the following tips from Lucille Zimmerman:

1. If you’ve messed up, let your kids know and ask for their forgiveness. When you teach them how to forgive, they will know how to ask others for the same.
2. Removing a positive stimulus works so much better than punishment. The effect of taking toys, cell phones, or fun activities is longer lasting and you don’t create the generalized fear towards you that spanking does.
3. People always tell you that this time of having little ones will be over sooner than you think. They weren’t kidding. In a blink, your children are raised and you have the rest of your life to do what you want.
4. Remember that your children aren’t you. Stop living through them vicariously. Don’t make them be the greatest football player or cheerleader if it’s your dream. Allow them to make mistakes. Allow them to differentiate; separate and become their own person.
5. Even if they act like they don’t need hugs and touch, they do. No matter how old they are.
6. Don’t make their bodies the battleground. How can we teach them to make decisions regarding sexual purity if we command control over their bodies?
7. Keep in mind that too much freedom is just as damaging as too much authority. The best children turn out healthy and happy when there are rules, but some flexibility and leeway for rules to be changed along the way.
8. I don’t believe you can spoil a baby with too much love. Nor do I believe you can harm him by responding to his cries.
9. Call your own parents and love them the best way you can. Remember, they had their own wounds. No one tries to screw up his or her children.

Source:  "Parenting Tips - A Few Things I've Learned Along The Way" by Lucille Zimmerman, published at Examiner.com.

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This is part two of the exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

Where Does all the Time Go?

Yeah, where does all the time go when you think about raising your child/ children. I bet for some of you it seems like it was just yesterday that they were toddlers and now they are teenagers growing up so fast. Where did the time go?

Time is a concept that your children (in their teenage years and beyond) totally perceive differently than you and your spouse. Remember when you could say that bedtime was at 8pm or homework has to be completed before dinner? Those days are long gone. For the teenager, time is on and in THEIR hands or so they perceive.

Starting somewhere around age 14 (if not before), your teenager begins this “rite of passage” into independence. You, as the parent, are the perceived enemy/adversary to their freedom and time. As a therapist, I hear it all the time. A common phrase I hear is something like this “But, Dr. Trey, Bobby’s parents don’t make him come in at 8pm. He gets to stay out until 10pm. My parents are so mean and strict!”

Though your children honestly think they have a grip on the full understanding of time, in reality we know differently - they DO NOT. They only perceive one thing in their world for the most part and that is him/herself. They are the center of their world and most anything that interferes with that is perceived as an adversary, including the well intentioned parent.

What I am saying is that your responsibility as a Parent is to help your children understand the importance of time management and time utilization. School and socializing is their job until age 18 and they must learn to figure out how to use time in the best way possible. So, though you may have pressure on you from hearing about “Bobby’s parents being so lax,” don’t give in.

Keep your child structured. Keep the rules in play. Keep the learning active. Stay the course with curfews and time management. Though there are opportunities for flexibility as the positive outcomes of good time management are rewarded, do not abandon your children to their own recognizance. They simply cannot handle it on their own as well as you think they can.

Empower yourselves and empower your children by keeping quality management rules and structure in place only until your child at age 18 proves him/herself worthy of handling independence. As your children learn to manage little things, maybe they will be able to handle greater things as they grow!

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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I am pleased to bring you the exclusive online presentation of "Empowering Parents" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I will publish this seven part series over the next several Wednesdays, and I hope that it is helpful to you.  I want to thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to once again present his series to you on my blog.  Here is Part One:

The Great Competition: Mom and Dad versus The Children!

I cannot tell you how many times I meet with parents who are struggling with the management of their children. Whether young, middle, or teen-aged, it seems as if in today’s family the child has more authority and power in the daily life of the family than the parents do.  There are a number of factors which contribute to this phenomenon:

• One is the ongoing development of technology and communications. Kids are connected in a way their parents were/are not and with connection comes empowerment.
• Secondly, with both parents working, the kids are given more authority at younger ages to care for themselves.
• A third and common reason is that parents assume that children have what they need academically, socially, spiritually, and psychologically and thus do not provide adequately for their children’s needs in these areas.
• A fourth reason is that parents lose scope of their roles as parents and become disengaged to their responsibilities to age 18 and beyond.
• Additionally, it appears that in the competitive struggle for authority that the children are winning!

In the 21st century it is more difficult to be an engaged, intentional, role defined parent than in just about any other time in history. There are more competitions to children today than in the past. Technology and communications have brought the world to the very fingertips of your children. Cell phones, text-messaging, email, online video gaming, MySpace, Facebook, YouTube, and chat rooms have replaced the CB and Ham radios that once kept us connected just a few short years ago. Communication is more intense, personal, and intimate that it has ever been and at the same time it is also vulgar, rude, shallow, and fantastical – it has lost meaning and purpose in the midst of a society that craves relationship.

As parents, you are well aware that there is no manual or book that spells out in detail the how- to’s of good parenting. The Bible does properly inform us but it, too, is not a step by step manual. Our only models were our parents (if they were good parents) and perhaps those we watched around us in our families. It is difficult to be a really good parent today. You need more support, more encouragement, and more resources in order to do your calling with efficacy, provision, and joy. It is supposed to be fun and it is supposed to be fulfilling and yet many parents just want to either upgrade their children to version 2.0 or quit. Unfortunately, many do just that. Divorces are at an all time high, some due in part because parents let their children’s needs overtake the needs of the marital relationship.

In this new series, I will address a few of the issues I have commonly seen in my practice in working with families struggling to regain a sense of operational management of the family system. If you have any ideas or struggles you want to share I would welcome them. Send them to: pathwayspc@aol.com and as always, I welcome your feedback.

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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The Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina has many great resources on its website.  One of the best is "A Teen Guide to Divorce, Surviving Your Parent's Divorce", a free E-Book that helps teens sort through the issues that they often face in these situations.  

This 24 page E-Book addresses the following topics:

• Background Facts About Divorce and Custody
• Common Reactions to Divorce
• Mistakes Your Parents Make
• How To Talk To Your Parents
• Examples / Stories from Several Teens
• Other Resources

I have read this e-book, and I highly recommend it.  You can download your free copy of "A Teen Guide to Divorce, Surviving Your Parent's Divorce" by clicking HERE.

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When spouses get divorced, they usually end their relationship with their former in-laws.  However, if there are children involved, it is not always easy (or advisable) to do so.  Under normal circumstances, children benefit from relationships with both sides of their family.  So what's the best way to go about encouraging and fostering their relationship with your former spouse's family? Consider the following suggestions:

• Maintaining contact creates stability, and grandparents and other family members can help provide emotional support and the sense of belonging to children after a divorce.
• Although the grandparents may have taken your spouse's side during the divorce and you may be angry, remember it isn’t about you – it is about your children.
• When your children see they are still allowed to attend functions with both sides of their family, they will realize that although some things have changed, not everything has.
• Remember that the bond between grandparents and their grandchildren is special, and your children need the love and warmth their grandparents offer.
• Even if you can’t stand being around your in-laws, don’t cut them down in front of your children.
• Grandparents can give you a break from time to time, by keeping the children for a weekend or maybe even taking them on a little vacation.
• Grandparents may even be able to help a little financial help by taking the kids shopping for school clothes or treating them to a movie or lunch.

Source:  "Single-Parenting Challenge: Dealing with Former In-Laws" published at Dummies.com.

 

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Raising kids with an ex-wife or ex-husband is rarely easy, especially if your split was less than amicable. However, you don’t have to let your past affect your current actions towards your children’s other parent.  Here are some tips that can help you manage a good relationship or just keep things running smoothly:

1. Keep emotions in check. There may be some lingering anger, sadness and resentment among you, but your kids have already been enough. Give them the benefit of parents that work together instead of yelling, fighting and name-calling.
2. Think about the kids. At the end of the day, your children are what really matter, not your own personal feelings towards your former spouse. No matter what kind of disputes come up – from where to spend holidays to disputes over money – put aside what you want or need and take the time to consider your children’s desires and best interests.
3. Communicate. It will be very difficult for either of you to be effective parents if you do not communicate information to one another. Whether it’s sharing news about school events or updates on your child’s health, make sure you share all important information with the other parent.
4. Be businesslike. You are no longer married, but you still have to interact with your ex for the sake of your kids. It can sometimes be helpful to stop thinking about your relationship in personal terms and start thinking about it in more professional ones, seeing your ex as a partner in the business of raising happy, healthy children.
5. Don’t badmouth. You have little to gain and a lot to lose when you choose to say hurtful things about your ex in front of your children. Your children may be well aware of the reasons why you and your former spouse do not get along, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep dragging them out. Even if you no longer love your ex, your children still do, and they deserve an environment that doesn’t attempt to manipulate or deride those feelings.

Relationships between former spouses are hardly ever without their trials and tribulations, but if you stick to focusing on your kids and doing your best to give them all the opportunities and assurances they need, you’ll be much better off than being in a relationship that’s mired in conflict and animosity.

This Guest Post was written by Kathleen Baker, who writes about ultrasound tech schools. She welcomes your feedback at KathleenBaker3212@gmail.com.

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When divorced parents live close to each other, it's usually easy to determine where to meet to exchange the children. What happens when the parents live far apart, perhaps hours away from each other? If the parents can agree on an area in which to exchange the child, what type of place should they actually meet?

Fortunately, there is MeetWays, an online resource that helps people easily find a halfway point between two locations. You simply enter the addresses and a point of interest, and MeetWays does the rest, providing both the halfway point and places of interest in that vicinity. This site can help resolve countless headaches for parents when trying to decide where to meet for visitation exchanges.

Source: "Parents Meeting at the Halfway Point" by Lee Rosen, published at his Divorce Discourse blog.

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Children often fear they will "lose" one of their parents in a divorce.  Here are a few tips to help reduce that concern when telling your children about your decision to get a divorce:

• Agree on what you’re going to say.  You and your spouse should discuss and determine what you are going to say before talking to your children. This will help ensure that you don’t contradict each other when discussing this decision.
• Tell them as a couple.  You should make every effort to do so, even if it requires putting your animosity aside for a while.  By doing this, you will convey to the children that, although your marriage may be ending, you can cooperate as their parents, and that they still have a family – just a different kind of family.
• Play fair with each other.  You should both agree that when talking to the children, you will not play the "blame game" or encourage your children to side with one parent over the other one.
• Be honest, realistic, and avoid emotions.  Try to be honest about why you are getting divorced, while keeping the children’s ages in mind and avoiding sordid details behind the separation.  Reassure your children that the divorce has nothing to do with them.  Try not to get emotional when you tell your children about your divorce, because it can be frightening for children to see a parent cry or get very upset.
• Help them absorb the news.  It can sometimes help to give your children a little extra attention after telling them of the decision to divorce.  Be sure to let your children’s teacher or childcare provider know what is going on.  If the children need more help, consider involving a professional counselor.
• Watch your own behavior around your children.  Don’t fight with your spouse or say negative things about your spouse to the children or in hearing range of your children.   Avoid making your children your confidantes or your comforter.  Don’t interfere with your children’s relationship with your spouse.

Source:  "Telling Your Children about the Divorce", published at Dummies.com.

 

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Our firm frequently helps clients with issues concerning their children's names. Unmarried parents often want to change the child's birth name - whether to the Father's surname or to the Mother's surname. Married parents sometimes want to change the children's names during or after a divorce, especially if the marriage is of short duration. Teenagers will sometimes implore their custodial parent to ask the court change their name to that of a step-dad, especially if that person has been the "father figure" for most of the child's life and/or the biological father has not been active in the child's life.

When seeking to change a child's surname, South Carolina law requires consideration of the following nine factors to determine if changing a child's name is in the child's best interest:

1. the length of time the child has used the present surname;
   
2. the effect of the proposed change on the preservation and development of the child's relationship with each parent;
   
3. the identification of the child as part of a family unit;
   
4. the wishes of each parent;
   
5. the reason the petitioning parent states for the proposed change;
   
6. the motive of the petitioning parent and the possibility the child's use of a different name will cause insecurity or a lack of identity;
   
7. the difficulty, harassment, or embarrassment the child may experience if the child bears a surname different from that of the custodial parent;
   
8. if the child is of age and maturity to express a meaningful preference, the child's preference; and
   
9. the degree of community respect associated with the present and proposed surnames.

The primary case in South Carolina on this issue is Mazzone v. Miles, 341 S.C. 203, 532 S.E.2d 890 (Ct.App. 2000).

Thanks to my law partner, Paul MacPhail, for providing this post.

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In child custody cases, each party's parenting skills are frequently a key issue.  One particularly important area in which this can be seen is with regard to the children's medical care and health issues.  For instance, parents can (and often do) argue over whether a child was taken to the doctor too much, too little, or too late.

For parents who no longer live together, it is very important that they keep each other informed of issues pertaining to a child's health, education, and welfare.  Many Court Orders now routinely include this requirement because Judges believe it to be in the children's best interest.  With regard to healthcare issues in particular, it is very important that parents exchange this type of information in a timely manner.  The failure to do so could give rise to an action seeking a change of custody.

Most reasonable parents would agree that they should immediately notify each other when their child is taken to the Emergency Room for any reason.  CNN recently published a helpful article that discusses situations in which a child should be taken to the Emergency Room, including the following:

• Neck stiffness or rash with fever
• Fever in a newborn over 100.4 F
• Head injury with loss of consciousness, confusion, headache or vomiting
• Burns if larger than your child's palm, if deep or discolored, or if caused by a chemical
• Severe abdominal pain

Source:  "But is it really an emergency? When to take a child to the ER" by Elizabeth Cohen, published at CNN Health.

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Most of us take it for granted now days that a divorce will affect the kids, and for good reason, because it most certainly will.  While this fact may never outweigh the reasons for the separation, it certainly doesn’t mean that you can afford to ignore their needs.  In many ways tending to these needs may be straight forward, like balancing travel and making sure everyone gets to their activities on time.  But in other emotional avenues there may not be a clear road map.

Remember they’re your children.

No one knows your children better than you do, and as time passes and changes being to happen, you will almost certainly begin to notice changes in their behavior and outlook as well.  Adjusting to the difficult changes that a divorce brings is something that everyone involved will have to do.  Just remember that you don’t want to overlook their needs when you are tending to your own.

Continue Reading...

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Did you know that nearly 40 percent of babies born in the United States in 2007 were born to unwed mothers?  The National Center for Health Statistics reports that of 4.3 million total births, 1.7 million were out-of-wedlock births, which marked a more than 25 percent increase from just five years before.

The percentage of unwed mothers varied widely among the different races: 28 percent of white women, 72 percent of black women, and more than 51 percent of Latina women gave birth out-of-wedlock.

More often than not, it is the unwed mothers who end up raising the children.  A 2008 survey by the U.S. Census Bureau found there are 9.8 million single mothers compared to only 1.8 million single fathers.

Source:  "Out-of-Wedlock Births Hit Record High" by Jessica Ravitz, published at CNN.com.

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Amy Wood recently published an article with the following tips from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children if you find your child is missing:

• Act immediately.
• Search your home and check with relatives, neighbors, and friends to try and locate your child.
• If you cannot find your child, immediately report your child missing to your local law-enforcement officers.
• Limit access to your home until law-enforcement officers arrive and are able to collect evidence.
• Give law-enforcement officers all the information they request about your child, and be sure to give them any information that could help in the search.
• Request that your child’s name and identifying information be immediately entered into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Person File.
• Call us at 1-800-THE-LOST® (1-800-843-5678) to find out what resources are available to you.
• You can find more info on their website 

Source:  "What to do if your child is ever missing!" by Amy Wood, published at WSPA.com.

 

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The Oprah Winfrey Show recently featured M. Gary Neuman, founder and director of the Sandcastles Program and author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, who discussed the best ways to help children cope with divorce.  According to Mr. Neuman, the cardinal rule that all divorcing parents need to follow is to never criticize each other in front of their children.

To help children get through this difficult time, he suggests that parents understand that sadness is normal and that it's actually good for the children to get it out.  He also recommends that parents talk with their children, and to do so lovingly and in a reassuring manner.  Mr. Neuman has developed a Letter Writing Exercise for Kids to help them express their feelings.  If you or someone you know is facing this situation, I highly recommend that you view the materials on Oprah's website by clicking here.

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The following Guest Post is from Maya Richard:

While divorce proceedings may pose a great burden upon parents, they often have a disproportionate affect upon children, who may not fully understand the process. Parental separation can fundamentally shift a child's nascent world view, requiring careful steps to ensure that children are able to soundly cope with the divorce. Although the divorce itself might emerge from personal issues unrelated to children, it is crucial that parents remain focused upon helping children transition during the process:

1. Encourage open communication from your children. Although the complete scope of the process might immediately escape children, it's important that you take time to allow a child to express his or her feelings about the event. This is a way in which you can both come to understand outside viewpoints, as well as providing you with an opportunity to reach and explain the situation in a manner that resonates with the child. If you have multiple children, it's important to speak to them both individually and collectively, as each child is likely to have a different, personal response to the events unfolding, depending on their age and personality.
2. Ensure that all children have a stable social safety net throughout the process. Since the fundamental role of the family is to provide a safe setting in which children can learn and grow, it's important that one continue to provide this level of support even during parental separation. Ensure that children are in a safe environment and remain outside any legal or argumentative environments that might surround the divorce; if you understand with your spouse around children, remain friendly and amicable, independent of your internal feelings. Always reach out to your broader, extended social network so that children feel comfortable – allow them to spend time with friends, relatives and counselors so that they have feelings of stability in spite of the changes around them.
3. Maintain continuity in your own personal life so that you can remain a strong parent.  In order to help children cope with a divorce, it's important that one ensure stability in all facets of life, from work to friendships. By maintaining an equilibrium in your life, you can ensure that you'll bring a balanced approach to keeping your life in order so that you can remain strong for your children. It may be beneficial to spend time with a counselor so that you can work through any anxiety or feelings that you have, in order to ensure a proper outlet for those emotions; while it's okay to express yourself around children, one should also ensure that emotions are kept in check and expressed in a structured fashion so children feel comfortable. In order to help children remain strong during a divorce, each parent has to be strong independently.
4. Keep legal challenges outside of the child's daily life.  Although court proceedings are a core part of any divorce, children should not have to grasp the details of the legal fight. Instead, keep the legal details separate from your relationship with your children. When working out a legal settlement, always keep the best interests of your children in mind, as those considerations should trump any financial or situational disputes that might arise in the proceedings. Even during the direct divorce proceedings, ensure that you have enough time to devote to nurturing and taking care of your children.
5. Allow children an expressive outlet to ensure their lives are well-balanced.  While no divorce is fun for children, it's important to ensure that children continue to have elements of joy in their life, from celebrating parties with friends to enjoying time off from school on the weekends. Take time away from the bustle of daily life to take your children to a park or to a nice dinner out with relatives so that they can continue to find enjoyment in life, in spite of the larger situation.

This guest post was written by Maya Richard, who currently blogs about cell phones. She can be reached via email as mayarichard@gmail.com.

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Question:  I have custody of my child, and we live in South Carolina.  The child's father lives in another state, and he pays child support and visits with our child.  Our child was given my maiden name as his last name when he was born.  I have remarried, and I now want to change the child's last name to my married name.  The child's father does not agree with my desire to change his name.  What can I do?

Answer:  Should you wish to change the child's last name, the child's father must be named as a party in the Family Court case seeking to do so.  If he objects, it is unlikely that the Court will grant your request for the change.  Also, you may want to consider the possibility that the father could counterclaim and ask that the Court change the child's last name to his name.

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KidsHealth.org has published a website, A Kid's Guide to Divorce, which contains lots of helpful, therapeutic information for children of divorcing families.  As you might expect, the information presented at this site is clean and simple.  Some of the topics covered are:

• What Is Divorce?
• Kids Can't Cause Divorce!
• Kids Can't Fix Divorce!
• But I Feel Like My Whole World Just Fell Apart!
• Life After Divorce
• When To Speak Up
• The Future

If you are going through a divorce, you should check it out to see if it is right for your kids.  You can visit the site by clicking HERE.

Source:  "A Divorce Website For Kids" by John E. Harding, published at his California Divorce Blawg.

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I see it happen all too often.  Parents get caught up in the heat of battle and lose sight of what is really important in their case -- their children.  Sometimes, the desire to "win" takes over and their responsibility as parents to look out for their children's best interests takes a backseat. 

My friend Michael Sherman has written an excellent article on this very point.  In fact, I think that his post should be required reading for parents before they go through a contested custody case.  You can read Michael's article by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Custody and Welfare of Children" by Michael Sherman, published at his Alabama Family Law Blog.

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The following insightful article was originally published at The Orsini & Rose Divorce and Family Law Blog:

Question:  I was given sole custody. I know that means I have full control over where my child goes to school, goes to church, goes to the doctor, etc.  My ex has asked the school to send my child's grades to both of us, not just to me. How do I make the school send the grades only to me?

Answer:  My first question is, why would you want to deny your ex that information? Putting a block between your child and your ex will almost certainly backfire on you. Your child will most likely have a great difficulty understanding why you took a step, however small, to alienate him or her from your ex. Your may distrust your ex, fear your ex, even hate your ex, but your child probably doesn't. Your child, at any age, probably wants a relationship with your ex. I realize there are exceptions to this rule, especially at the older ages where children often become less attached to and dependent on their parents, but you should stay out of it. DON'T DO ANYTHING TO DISTANCE YOUR CHILD FROM YOUR EX unless you have a really, really, REALLY good reason. Like maybe a court order or a provable fear of harm to your child. Notice I said, "provable."

And most judges won't back you up if you try to keep grades from your ex.  Most state's judges are very reluctant to prohibit a parent from seeing the grades of his or her child. Judges do what they can to unite children with estranged parents, and they are very reluctant to do anything that separates children from their parents in any way unless there is evidence of child abuse or some other direct harm to the child.

But that doesn't really answer your question, does it? Despite my warning, if you want to keep the grades from your ex, you can probably get away with it. Show the principal your "sole custody" order, and the school will probably send the grades only to you from that point forward. Your ex may complain to the school, but most school officials would recommend to your ex that the matter be taken up in court. Then they'd continue to send the report cards only to you. Keeping grades from your spouse may be wrong, but you'd probably be successful. Now that I've answered the question, I can only hope you'll use your newfound knowledge for good, not evil.

Source:  "Can I Keep My Child's Grades Away From My Ex?" by Brent Rose, published at The Orsini & Rose Divorce and Family Law Blog.

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A new study appears in a recent issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family found that for children of divorce, what happens after their parents split up may be just as important to their long-term well-being as the divorce itself.  Children who lived in unstable family situations after their parents divorced fared much worse as adults on a variety of measures compared to children who had stable post-divorce family situations.

“For many children with divorced parents, particularly young ones, the divorce does not mark the end of family structure changes – it marks the beginning,” said Yongmin Sun, co-author of the study and associate professor of sociology at Ohio State University’s Mansfield campus.  “A stable family situation after divorce does not erase the negative effects of a divorce, but children in this situation fare much better than do those who experience chronic instability”

Source:  "Post-divorce Parenting" published at the Family Law Prof Blog.

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Parenthood sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be - especially for step-parents, who are often the unsung heroes of blended families.  These step-parents face multiple challenges, as they frequently must deal with rejection and parent effectively while preserving a loving relationship with his/her spouse.

To increase the chances of success for blended families, consider the following tips:

• The parents should inquire regularly about each other's feelings and be ready to listen without getting defensive or unduly upset with the children.
• The parents should establish clear behavioral expectations and communicate them to the children. They should do this together and make sure both parents' commitment to the plan is clear to the children.
• The parents should anticipate the children's reactions to these behavioral expectations and decide how to manage them.
• The parents should impose predetermined consequences whenever children act out. If the misbehavior seems related to the divorce, address the issues directly.
• The parents should articulate the specific role the step-parent wishes to play.
• The step-parent should explain he/she will parent but has no intention of trying to replace or be more powerful than the child's birth parent. If teenage children are blended into the family, the step-parent should consider a style more like that of an aunt, uncle, or teacher.
• The step-parent should not criticize a birth parent. When a child begins to make comparisons, a step-parent should simply state that this is how he/she has decided to do things in his/her home.
• The step-parent should establish cordial relations with the birth parent and cooperate when practical. If children see their step-parent and birth parent getting along, they will accept the step-parent more readily.
• The step-parent should try not to take rejection personally. All children test parents and periodically push them away as a means of seizing power in the relationship or proving parents mean what they say.
• The step-parent should do things with the stepchildren that are mutually enjoyable and try to spend time with them individually. Make sure the child knows this time is important to the step-parent.

Source:  "Stepmothers Also Deserve Respect, Gratitude" by Dennis O'Brien, published at the Warrenton Journal.

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From The Oregon Divorce Blog:

Clients often come to me asking whether they or their ex-spouse/unmarried parent of their child can claim their joint child as a dependents for tax purposes and receive the dependent tax exemption. They often think that this is a decision that is up to them and attorneys often use it as a bargaining chip.

In a divorce or custody case I am representing clients in state court. The United States Congress, through the tax code, has determined how the child/dependent tax exemption should be awarded. The supremacy clause of the United States Constitution prevents state courts from deciding issues of federal law. This means that a state court cannot properly award the exemption to a parent who otherwise would not qualify for the exemption under federal law.

The qualifying parent under IRS rules is the “custodial parent,” which is defined as “the parent having custody for the greater portion of the calendar year.” The award of “legal custody” has no effect on this definition, rather the custodial parent is “the parent with whom the child resides for a greater number of nights during the calendar year.” In cases where the child resides an equal number of overnights with each parent, the parent with the higher adjusted gross income for the calendar year is awarded the exemption.

Parties can agree to share the exemption or to have the parent that does not qualify receive the exemption. This is usually accomplished by a provision in the parties’ judgment. In order to provide the non-qualifying parent with the exemption, the qualifying parent must sign a written declaration and the declaration must be attached to the non-custodial/non-qualifying parent’s income tax return. This can be completed using IRS tax form 8332, which can be found here http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f8332.pdf.

A decision to allocate the dependent exemption to the non-qualifying parent should not be taken lightly. In addition to the exemption, the non-qualifying parent will also receive the child tax credit. Therefore, an agreement to deviate from IRS rules can have significant tax impacts for the qualifying parent and creat a tax windfall for the non-qualifying parent. If the agreement will be included as a provision in a judgment, the decision to do so should be carefully discussed with your attorney.

The IRS Frequently Asked Questions located at http://www.irs.gov/faqs/faq-kw46.html provides detailed information on this question.

Source:  "Who Gets to Claim the Child Tax Exemption?" by Sean Stephens, published at The Oregon Divorce Blog.

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The South Carolina Bar's Law Related Education Division has launched LawForKids.org, America's first stand alone web site dedicated to teaching children about the law.  The Site was made possible by collaboration with the Arizona Foundation for Legal Services and Education and an IOLTA grant from the SC Bar.  The specific goal of this site is educating children, their parents, communities, and schools to increase their knowledge about youth laws and to encourage law-abiding behavior.  You can visit the site by clicking HERE.

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The following article is from one of our regular guest columnists, Dr. Trey Kuhne:

A few months ago, a friend sent this to me through the email. I am uncertain who the original author is but was moved so much by it that I thought it might be an encouragement to parents who wonder if their children are ever watching them or not? It is called “When you thought I wasn’t looking.” Take a brief read.

"When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking" by a child

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God!

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I! saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

As children, we saw just about everything our parents did and said and we modeled ourselves  after them, good, bad and indifferent.  Now as parents, you are worried about everything you do because you realize that your children are watching you! Your children deserve excellent parents!

Dads, let your children see you loving and kissing mom, let them see how a man loves a woman with respect.  Dads, let your children observe how you handle difficulties and come to consensus in matters of disagreement.

Moms, let your children see and experience you praising Dad for his love, leadership, and faithfulness to God. Moms, let your children observe how you make decisions, how you consider different possibilities and derive solutions.

Let your children hear your prayers out loud. Let your children see you disagree and then come to consensus again. Teach your children through modeling the kind of behavior that you appreciate so much in your life.

Basically what I am saying is to not withhold from your children the experience of life. They are going to experience it at school, in sports, and with their friends and what better way for them to get it right by experiencing it through the two (or one) of you.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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Hofstra Law Professor Joanna Grossman has taken a careful, scrutinizing look at the Britney Spears case and used it as a backdrop to discuss what everyone should know about family law cases in general and child custody cases in particular.  It is a very interesting read, and here are some of the lessons she discusses:

• Courts, not Divorcing Parents, Ultimately Decide Custody
• Parental Behavior Matters in Custody Battles
• The Paparazzi Are Not the Only Ones Watching Your Every Move

Source:  "Britney Spears: Why She Lost Visitation Rights, and What Her Case Teaches Us About Family Law" by Joanna Grossman, published at FindLaw.  Thanks also to John E. Harding for his post about this article at his California Divorce Blawg.

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The following tips can help divorced parents work better together in matters pertaining to their children:

• Try to make your dealings with your child's other parent as pleasant as you can -- even if he or she doesn't.
• If your ex knows how to get under your skin and uses this knowledge unfairly, resolve to keep your cool anyway.
  
• Bring a friend with you when you have to see your ex in person, as the mere presence of another person often calms the mood.
• Don't hang on to old resentments, especially when your children are present.
  
• Take time to calm down and remind yourself that the remaining connection to your ex is solely about the welfare of your children.
• Bite your tongue when you are tempted to speak ill of your ex in front of the kids.
• Talk to your ex about how to handle discipline, school projects, health-care matters, extracurricular activities and other situations you both need to have input on.

Source:  "After Divorce, Take Steps to Smooth Parenting Issues" by Doreen Nagle, published in The Indianapolis Star.

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When parents divorce, they usually do not want for their child to be around their former spouse's new boyfriend / girlfriend.  In fact, one of the most common questions that family law attorneys are asked is whether this is permissible, with the assumption being that they are not.  However, the answer might surprise you, as it is not what most people expect.

Typically, the Court will allow divorced parents to date and to have their boyfriends / girlfriends around the child, provided (a) the new love interest is not inappropriate for some reason and (b) the new person is not there overnight when the child is present.  Reasons that the new person could be inappropriate include having a criminal record, accusations of child abuse / neglect, past D.S.S. involvement, and the like.
 
If the Court didn't allow boyfriends / girlfriends to be around the child, it would actually be more of a shock if the parent remarried and then the child was then suddenly forced to adjust to a step-parent that he/she had never seen before.  Obviously, putting the child in such a situation would not be in the child's best interest, which is always Court's primary concern.

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Question:  I have been divorced for several years.  My Divorce Decree states that neither party can have the persons of the opposite sex spend the night when the children are present.  My ex-husband now wants to move in with his girlfriend.  If he moves in with her, do I still have to send my children for visitation or can I withhold visitation until they get married?

Answer:  The old adage "two wrongs don't make a right" comes to mind.  If his girlfriend is there overnight when the children are there, he clearly is violating the Order and subject to being held in contempt of court.  However, if you refuse to send the kids and deny his visitation, you would be violating the Order as well and could possibly subject yourself to being held in contempt.  Your best course of action is to remind him about the prohibition on having overnight guests of the opposite sex and to immediately file a contempt action if he violates the Order.

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I have really enjoyed this week's series, which has focused on "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce,"  and I hope that it has provided some helpful tips and useful information for parents who are divorced.  Children can benefit from consistency, and the following tips will help you provide your child with a dependable structure:

• Make, communicate, and consistently enforced reasonable family rules.
• Establish a workable daily schedule so that your child knows what he/she is supposed to be doing, including chores, schoolwork, and free time.
• Be consistent in your relationship with your child.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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Children whose parents divorce sometimes suffer damage to their self-esteem, even when both parents act appropriately.  The following steps can help build children's self-esteem:

• Give your child a sincere compliment when you see him/her doing well or being good.
• Spend time doing things together with your child and let your child choose the activities.
• Ask for, listen to, and consider your child's input on family decisions.
• Don't criticize or belittle the other parent.
• Give your child responsibilities at home so that he/she can contribute and feel competent.
• Teach your child how to do a task correctly, but don't come behind the child and redo what he/she did.
• Share your pride in your child's accomplishments with your friends and do so in front of your child.
• Avoid using derogatory labels when addressing your child, and never call your child any of the following:  stupid, dumb, lazy, clumsy, or crazy.
• Show your love in as many ways as you can - both physically and verbally.
• Teach your child about God's unconditional love.
  

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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This week, I am highlighting excerpts from "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce."  One of the main areas in which problems arise for divorced parents is that of visitation exchanges.  As a family law attorney, hardly a week goes by that I don't have to deal with this particular issue.  Parents who wish to make the visitation exchanges a pleasant experience should:

• Have the child ready for visits on time with the appropriate clothing and other items.
• Do not turn the pick-up and drop-off times into forums for arguing and attacking the other parent.
• Understand that emergency situations sometimes arise that will change the visitation plans.
• Do not arbitrarily change the visitation plans.
• Do not ask or expect the child to "spy" for you.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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When parents divorce, children usually end up living primarily with one parent.  When a child has been close to both parents, it is normal for the child to miss one parent when with the other parent.  The following steps can help ease the children's longing for the other parent:

• Encourage your child to telephone the other parent, care for the other parent, and have photos of the other parent in his/her room.
• Prepare stamped, addressed envelopes to the other parents so that the child can easily write and/or mail items to the other parent.
• Tell the child in what positive ways he or she reminds you of the other parent.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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Yesterday, I noticed a brochure at my church called "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce" that contains good, practical advice for parents who want to help their children in such situations.  This week, I will feature excerpts from this brochure, which I believe will benefit my readers, even those who are not particularly religious.

Divorce is difficult for children of all ages - no matter how young or how old.  One common fear that children have is that they "will lose you too."  As parents, you can take some or all of the following steps to help alleviate that fear and reassure your child:

• Keep your word  ::  If you say that you will be somewhere for your child, then be there.  If you promise to attend a baseball game, then do it.  If you say that you will be home at 6:00 p.m., then be on time.
• Keep your child informed  ::  Always let your children know where you are and how you can be reached by telephone.
• Keep things lighted  ::  Younger children can be reassured by having a night-light in their bedroom or in the hallway.

Source:  "Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce," published by Abingdon Press in their FaithHome for Parents series.

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The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission offers the following tips on costumes, treats and decorations to help your children trick-or-treat safely this year:

Costumes:

• When purchasing costumes, masks, beards and wigs, look for flame-resistant fabrics such as nylon or polyester, or look for the label "Flame Resistant." Flame-resistant fabrics will resist burning and should extinguish quickly. To minimize the risk of contact with candles and other fire sources, avoid costumes made with flimsy materials and outfits with big, baggy sleeves or billowing skirts.
• Purchase or make costumes that are light, bright and clearly visible to motorists.
• For greater visibility during dusk and darkness, decorate or trim costumes with reflective tape that will glow in the beam of a car's headlights. Bags or sacks also should be light colored or decorated with reflective tape. Reflective tape is usually available in hardware, bicycle and sporting goods stores.
• Children should carry flashlights to see and be seen.
• Costumes should fit well and not drag on the ground to guard against trips and falls.
• Children should wear well-fitting, sturdy shoes. Oversized high heels are not a good idea.
• Tie hats and scarves securely to prevent them from slipping over children's eyes and obstructing vision.
• If your child wears a mask, make sure it fits securely, provides adequate ventilation, and has eye holes large enough to allow full vision.
• Swords, knives and similar costume accessories should be made of soft, flexible materials.

Treats:

• Warn children not to eat any treats until an adult has examined them carefully for evidence of tampering.
• Carefully examine any toys or novelty items received by trick-or-treaters under three years of age. Do not allow young children to have any items that are small enough to present a choking hazard or that have small parts or components that could separate during use and present a choking hazard.

Decorations:

• Keep candles and Jack O' Lanterns away from landings and doorsteps where costumes could brush against the flame.
• Remove obstacles from lawns, steps and porches when expecting trick-or-treaters.
• Indoors, keep candles and Jack O' Lanterns away from curtains, decorations and other combustibles that could catch fire. Do not leave burning candles unattended.
• Indoors or outside, use only lights that have been tested for safety by a recognized testing laboratory. Check each set of lights, new or old, for broken or cracked sockets, frayed or bare wires, or loose connections. Discard damaged sets.
• Don't overload extension cords.

Source:  "CPSC Reminds Parents to Keep Trick-or-Treaters Safe this Halloween"

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What happens when parents cannot agree on issues pertaining to their children? In the past, this situation typically resulted in both parents hiring attorneys, going to Court, slugging it out, and ultimately having a Judge decide the issues for them. Fortunately, there is another option available today for parents facing this situation: utilize a parenting coordinator.

Parenting coordinators usually have backgrounds as mental-health professionals, lawyers or mediators, and they typically have completed a training certification course. Basically, these professionals attempt to establish rules or communication procedures to help parents work together more effectively, and I believe that they can be very helpful in that capacity. Some states can mandate the use of a parenting coordinator, though I am not aware of that ever being done in South Carolina.

Parenting coordinators usually analyze the parents’ communication styles and parenting techniques, and then they suggest ways to improve any deficient areas. In some cases, the coordinators will get input from the children to get their points of view. The goal of the parenting coordinator should be to give parents the skills to resolve disputes themselves, as they are really the best people to make decisions concerning their children.

Situations involving extremely high-conflict parents, domestic violence, substance abuse, or severe mental illness are probably not good candidates for involvement by parenting coordinators. Similarly, I believe that while it might make sense for parents to grant the coordinator the ability to decide “minor” issues should an impasse arise, they should not delegate more important decisions. For instance, I do not believe that parenting coordinators should make decisions that affect the rights of parents, such as custody modifications, relocation decisions, and the like.

Source:  "A Referee for Mom and Dad" by Rachel Emma Silverman, published in The Wall Street Journal.

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I have written several posts on this blog about Parental Alienation Syndrome, such as here, here, and here.  To get another lawyer's take on this subject, I present the following article published by Dan Nunley at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog a few months ago:

Statistics show that approximately one in two marriages end in divorce and about ten percent of those divorces involve child custody battles.  During these emotionally charged proceedings, some children exhibit emotional detachment from one or both parents.  The cause of this emotional detachment is unknown and the issues involved are complex.

One suggested theory, developed by the late Richard A. Gardner, M.D., has come to be known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS).  PAS typically portrays one parent as an evil alienator who through consistent brainwashing is responsible for turning an impressionable and vulnerable child against the innocent, enstranged parent.   As a result of this brainwashing, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the enstranged parent.

PAS is becoming an issue in more and more custody cases.  However, the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to its statement on PAS.

The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children.

Read more about PAS in this recent article from Lawyers Weekly USA.

Source:  "Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Dan Nunley, published at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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I previously posted how online resources can help parents better work together, which will benefit their children.  Online calendars, like Google Calendar, can help parents (whether living together or apart) keep track of their children's activity schedule, which can be hectic and change frequently.

Parents who are separated or divorced can track the child's physical custody (or visitation) schedule, as seen in this example.  Using the calendar in this manner helps both parents will know when the children will be with them on a given day, which helps them arrange transportation for the children's various activities.  The online calendar can also document which parent had the child on which day in case a dispute arises later.  As an added bonus, the calendars print out nicely (like in this sample).

Another (though less obvious) type of online resource that can assist separated parents are document / spreadsheet applications, such as Google Docs & Spreadsheets.  Parents have an obligation to pay certain expenses for their children, such as medical expenses that are not covered by insurance; day care costs; clothing and supplies; extracurricular activities; school lunches; etc.  It is surprising how often disputes arise because one parent claims that the other hasn't paid his/her share, only to have that parent claim that he/she never received the necessary information. 

By using an online spreadsheet (like this sample) to track this information, the parents can track the cost for any types of items, determine each parent's share, and show whether or not that amount has been paid.  Online documents could even be used as a type of journal to exchange necessary information in situations where the parents have severe communication problems.

By using these online resources, parents should be able to minimize or greatly reduce communication problems in the future.  Less friction between the parents should result in them having a better working relationship, which will certainly yield happier, better adjusted children.  Please share your thoughts on these (and other) online resources in the Comments section below.

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This post will follow up yesterday's post about the losses that children suffer when their parents divorce.  Today, we will look at ways parents can help their children cope with divorce.  The fact is that parents can have a positive impact on this process, if they will do the following:

1. Reassurance – Reassure them of your love, and your ex-spouses love for them. Remind them frequently that your divorce had nothing to do with them, that they are not at fault, and that your love for them will never change.
2. Flexibility – Be flexible to meet your child’s needs above your own. If your ex has visitation scheduled for a weekend when your son has a soccer game, let your ex go to the game, and you stay home. Try to work together to meet your child’s needs, and not get petty with visitation scheduling.
3. Respect – Never, never, never, speak badly about your ex in front of your children. Always be respectful of your ex in words and actions in front of your kids. If you want to sound off, do that with your friends, never your kids.
4. Curtail Dating – I believe that when you make the decision to divorce, you also make the decision that your kids come first. Don’t begin dating and introducing new people into your kids lives. It will only add to more loss. If you feel the need to date, do so when the kids are visiting your ex, or when they in bed at night. Your time is limited, and it should be spent with your kids. Only introduce someone to your kids if you are engaged and plan on marrying again.
5. Fake It – Sometimes you won’t feel like being kind towards your ex, and that’s when you’ll just have to fake it. Put a smile on your face, be respectful and nice. Remember, the gift of kindness you are giving is not for your ex, it is for your kids. They need that gift most of all.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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In her article, The Devastation of Divorce, Trish Berg states that children of divorce suffer a myriad of losses when their parents divorce.  Ms. Berg says that it’s difficult to understand the impact divorce has on the children's lives until we examine the losses they suffer in this process.  She lists the following five main losses children experience during divorce:

1. Loss of Dad - When parents divorce, typically the dad leaves the home, and may not be present much in the lives of the children. This causes an emotional vacuum for the children, and they may feel rejected, alone, and unloved, no matter how much the single parent loves them.
2. Loss of Money – When dad leaves, so does a lot of the money. Economic resource are, at best, cut in half, at worst, single parent families live in poverty.
3. Loss of Security – Kids of divorce often move to a new, smaller home, in a new town, with a new school. They now have to visit their dad. If mom and dad then begin dating, an entirely new stress is added to their lives. Their sense of stability and security is shaken as their world has forever changed.
4. Loss of Harmony – Many kids whose parents divorce feel caught in the middle. The fighting may have stopped, but now Mom may talk negatively about dad, and dad may gripe about mom, all in front of the kids. Parents may play games with visitation, and hold the children as emotional ransom. This loss of harmony causes tremendous chaos and stress for kids.
5. Loss of Simplicity – Life for children of divorce can get very complicated. They have to schedule everything they do, and remember what weekends they are visiting dad so they don’t play in a soccer league with games then. They have to split heir holiday time - Christmas Eve with dad, Christmas morning with mom. And when life events hit, they have to worry about mom and dad being in the same place. Who will come to my eighth grade graduation? Will they see each other? Will they fight? Family life is now complex and chaotic, and that will last for the rest of their lives.

Note from Ben Stevens:  While I agree with many of Ms. Berg's points, her article presumes that the mother will have custody of the children.  Of course, as I have discussed previously on this Blog, that is not necessarily the case.  Fathers who are active in their children's lives have a good chance of getting custody, if they sincerely desire and take the proper steps to do so.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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Birthdays and holidays can be especially problematic for newly divorced parents who share custody of their children. Naturally, it will take some time for your family to adjust to the new parenting arrangement. Avoiding confusion, ambiguity and the resulting conflict is essential to maintaining healthy relationship with your children. Emily Doskow at Nolo has written an excellent article outlining 10 tips for recently divorced parents seeking to enjoy holidays without conflict and disappointment.

1. Be Flexible

Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid’s needs.

For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is “officially.”

2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead

Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children’s mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.

3. Be Kind and Generous

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can’t say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their sibling, grandparent, or stepparent.

4. Keep Your Word

Be particularly careful to follow through on whatever promises you make related to the holidays. It’s extra important to keep promises to your kids around holiday times — the holidays are a big deal for kids.

5. Include the Kids In Your Planning

Whenever it’s reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex.

6. Create Two Holidays or Birthdays

Having two holiday or birthday celebrations for the children — one at your house, one at Mom’s — is often a positive solution for extended families. Just make sure that the plans you make are collaborative and that they are made well in advance. This arrangement reinforces for the kids that they have two homes and cements new family rituals and holiday customs.

7. Avoid the Indulgence Trap

Many divorced parents, especially dads, are still reeling from their personal hurt and guilt over the divorce. They may be overwhelmed by these feelings and respond to the children’s pain with too much money or too many gifts. Try to stay away from this unhealthy dynamic with your kids.

8. Take Care of Yourself If You’re Alone

Holiday time can trigger a resurgence of memories and melancholy feelings, especially if you are surrounded by couples and families. As holidays or birthdays approach, if you know you’re not going to get to see your kids, be sure to make your own special plans for the day.

9. Build New Family Traditions

Divorced parents, especially dads, often make the mistake of trying to duplicate exactly the pre-divorce family traditions. But you’ll be much happier and more satisfied if you create your own traditions for your new family.

10. Nurture Your Blended Family at the Holidays

If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family, and get all the kids involved with planning what you’ll do together and incorporating everyone’s traditions.

Birthdays and holidays are special times for you and your kids. Communicate clearly and stay calm and flexible, and your extended family will have something to celebrate.

Source:  "10 Tips for Divorced Parents" by Hugh W. Barrow, published at the Kentucky Family Law Blog.

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In child custody cases, parents often accuse each other of leaving the child inadequately supervised.  The allegations can be that the child was left home alone or left with someone who cannot properly supervise the child (such as relatives who are too old or too young).  Left Unsupervised: A Look at the Most Vulnerable Children, a 2003 study published by the non-profit research organization Child Trends addressed the large number of children are left without care and supervision by their parents.

Surprisingly, most States do not have regulations or laws about when a child is considered old enough to care for himself/herself or to care for other children.  Some states have guidelines or recommendations that are usually distributed through child protective services at the county level.  Similarly, reports of child neglect can be made to the S.C. Department of Social Services, though the response their tends to be very inconsistent and erratic.

As a practical matter, the difficulty in this area centers on the fact that every child is different.  Establishing a rule that a child must be X years old to stay home alone or supervise other children would not solve this problem, because some children are mature at an early age, some are immature, and many fall somewhere in the middle.  Wise parents base their decision about leaving his or her minor child unsupervised upon careful consideration of the child's maturity and emotional stability.

Family dynamics also must play a part in a parent's decisions about child care. Should a sibling be left in charge of younger siblings? If so, how old should that sibling be? How long should or could he/she be in charge? In some families, it would never work to leave one child in charge because of family dynamics, sibling rivalries, or other special challenges faced by one of more of the children.  The maturity and capabilities of the elected babysitter should be the controlling factors.

To help parents ensure that their children are safe, the University of Michigan Health System has compiled an excellent resource Babysitter Safety - What Parents and Sitters Need to Know.  This website includes the following types of information:  how to choose a babysitter, things to tell the sitter before you leave, information sitters should have, resources for sitters, the dangers of leaving kids home alone, information about problems associated with sibling sitters, and more.

Source:  "Home Alone: Child Care and Babysitter Issues" by Jeanne M. Hannah, published at her Updates in Michigan Family Law blog.

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What happens when one parent wants to change custody after there is already an existing child custody order?  I have received several inquiries on this topic recently, which is very common this time of year, since school resumes in a few weeks.

In these cases, the parent wanting the change has basically two options, depending on the circumstances of each particular case:

• If both parents agree that custody should be changed from parent A to parent B, the best solution is usually to pursue a child custody agreement.  This process generally involves having an attorney draft a written agreement, which both parents then review.  If it meets with everyone's approval, the parents then sign it, and a hearing is scheduled to ask the Court to approve the agreement.  An Order is issued, which incorporates the agreement into it and most importantly, makes it enforcible if either parent attempts to violate its terms.
• If the parents do not agree, then the non-custodial parent will need to file an action asking the Family Court to change custody of the child.  Typically, the parent seeking custody must prove that there has been a significant or substantial change of circumstances since the parties were last before the Court on this issue.  Next, the Court must determine if the change of custody is in the best interest of the child.  As I have discussed previously on this blog, the Court takes many factors into consideration as part of its analysis, including the child's preference.

Of course, as I noted above, child custody cases are very fact specific, and each case is different.  If you are facing this situation, the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to seek the advice of an experienced, qualified family law attorney who can help you analyze your case and determine what steps, if any, you should take.

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A psychological (or de facto) parent  can be defined as a person who has, on a day-to-day basis, undertaken a parental role through interaction, companionship, interplay, and mutuality, that fulfills a child’s physical and psychological needs and provides for a child’s emotional and financial support.

South Carolina has adopted a four-prong test for determining whether a person has become a psychological parent.  Specifically, in order to demonstrate the existence of a psychological parent-child relationship, one must show:

1. that the biological or adoptive parent(s) consented to, and fostered, the person's formation and establishment of a parent-like relationship with the child;
2. that the person and the child lived together in the same household;
3. that the person assumed obligations of parenthood by taking significant responsibility for the child’s care, education and development, including contributing towards the child’s support, without expectation of financial compensation; and
4. that the person has been in a parental role for a length of time sufficient to have established with the child a bonded, dependent relationship parental in nature.

In announcing this test, the Court of Appeals stated that [t]hese four factors ensure that a nonparent’s eligibility for psychological parent status will be strictly limited.  It also cautioned that psychological parents do not automatically have the right to demand custody in a dispute between the legal parent and psychological parent, as the limited right of the psychological parent cannot usually overcome the legal parent’s right to control the upbringing of his or her child.

The Court reasoned that once the bond between the psychological parent and child was established, it should not be unilaterally severed by the biological parent who fostered the relationship in the first place.  The standard to be applied is whether compelling circumstances exist to overcome the presumption that a fit, legal parent acts in the child’s best interest, and of course, visitation must actually be in the child’s best interest. The compelling circumstances standard encompasses a situation where, as here, a third party has attained psychological parent status.

You can read much more about the role and status of psychological parents in South Carolina in Middleton v. Johnson, 369 S.C. 585, 633 S.E.2d 162 (Ct. App. 2006).  This opinion includes a thorough discussion of this theory, including analysis of the decisions from other states.

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Too often in child custody cases, children are asked the following questions or subjected to these comments:

• "Who do you love more? 'Mommy' or 'Daddy?'"
• "Was mom's boyfriend there?"
• "Your father is always late on payments."

Children should never be put in the position of having to deal with "adult" issues.  Just because their parents can't get along, their childhood should not be ruined by such inappropriate conduct. 

Some judges require feuding parents to attend parenting classes to attempt to resolve (or sometimes prevent) such problems.  These classes vary widely in their format, but they generally aim to teach parents how to deal with each other while protecting their children and also to make parents realize how their actions can affect their children.

Even celebrities can benefit from these classes, as evidenced by the ugly child custody battle between Chicago Bear Brian Urlacher and his former lover.  Both parents in that case were ordered to attend a four-hour parenting class to help deal with the problems in their case.

Source:  "Urlacher Custody Judge: Take a Class" by Rummana Hussain, published at The Herald News.

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Numerous studies have found that people who grow up in a broken home have an increased risk of developing depression or having problems with anxiety later in life.  However, MSNBC.com reports that a new study suggests that divorce may not be the root of the offspring's depression after all, but rather that the cause of the divorce and the depression might be the same: shared genes.

The study's lead author, Brian D’Onofrio, an assistant professor of psychology at Indiana University, said, “This study suggests that the increased risk of emotional problems in the offspring of divorced parents is due to genetic risk shared by parents and their offspring.  This is contrary to what a lot of people have assumed in sociology and psychology.”

However, Prof. D'Onofrio cautioned that this doesn’t mean that divorce has no impact on children. His research found that divorce led to an increased risk of alcohol abuse in people who grew up in broken homes.  One of his earlier studies found that other problem behaviors could also be traced to divorce, such as skipping school, getting into fights and stealing.

You can read more about the study published in the July issue of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Depression in Kids of Divorce Blamed on Genes" by Linda Carroll, published at MSNBC.com.

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Clients often ask whether their child can (or will have to) testify in Family Court.  The answer is generally no in almost all cases.  Most experts agree that it is never good for a child to testify in Court, and it may lead to serious psychological damage later in addition to permanently injuring the relationship between the child and one or both parties.

In rare cases, children can sometimes be witnesses in Family Court cases.  In such cases, the child must be of sufficient age or awareness that his/her testimony will be believed.  In some cases, the Judge may agree to talk with a child in Chambers, but most Judges don't -- except in rare, extreme circumstances. Usually, the child’s position in a case is represented through a Guardian ad Litem, who is appointed to protect the child’s interests.

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A Pennsylvania appellate court recently held that three (3) adults were liable for the support of the same children.  In this case, a sperm donor had helped a lesbian couple conceive two children, only to find himself liable for child support, which may be the first ruling of its kind in the United States.  The case was remanded to the trial court to establish how much the donor father would have to pay to the birth mother of the 8-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl.

"I'm unaware of any other state appellate court that has found that a child has, simultaneously, three adults who are financially obligated to the child's support and are also entitled to visitation," said New York Law School professor Arthur S. Leonard, an expert on sexuality and the law.

The two women moved in together as a couple in 1996, and they were granted a civil-union license in Vermont in 2002.  In addition to conceiving the two children with the help of the sperm donor — a longtime friend of one of the women. 

The women's relationship later fell apart, and they separated in February of 2006.  Shortly afterward, a court required one woman to pay support to the custodial mother.  The paying mother then lost an effort to have the court force the father to contribute support, but that decision was overturned on April 30, 2007.

The custodial mother said that the the father provided some financial support over the years and gradually took a greater interest in the children.  "Part of the decision came down because he was so involved with them," she said Wednesday. "It wasn't that he went to the (sperm) bank and that was it. They called him Papa."  The process was very informal, as the child was conceived at home.

In his written opinion requiring the father to help pay for the child's support, the Superior Court Judge noted that the father spent thousands of dollars on the children, including purchases of toys and clothing.  The children knew he was their biological father, but he opposed the effort to compel support from him.

His lawyer, Matthew Aaron Smith said, "We made the argument that, according to Pennsylvania law as it stands, there can really only be two adult individuals that can be held liable for support in a child-custody case."  The paying mother's attorney, Heather Z. Reynosa, wants the father's support obligation to be made retroactive to when the custodial mother first filed for support.  The father died during the pendency of the litigation, and his Social Security survivor benefits may also help reduce the paying mother's monthly obligation.

It is unclear how the child support guidelines, which assume two parents, will be adapted to account for three parents.  "That's what's going to be interesting, because there's not a whole lot of guidance out there," Ms. Reynosa said.  The state Supreme Court is currently considering a similar case, in which a sperm donor wants to enforce a promise made by the mother that he would not have to be involved in the child's life. That biological father was ordered to pay $1,520 in monthly support.  About two-thirds of states have adopted versions of the Uniform Parentage Act that can shield sperm donors from being forced to assume parenting responsibilities. Pennsylvania has no such law.

Note:  The above was compiled from various news articles.  The full appellate decision can be ready by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Sperm Donor and Both Parents Liable for Support (Pennsylvania)" by Alexander R. Rhoads, published at his Iowa Family Law blog.

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Question:  What is the Biggest Mistake Fathers Make in Paternity Cases?

Answer:   Delaying. Many fathers wait too long to legally establish paternity in the family court. While many fathers do not understand the importance of having the family court declare them the legal father of their child and delay on that basis, other fathers simply wait until the relationship with their child's mother goes south or a process server serves them (the father) with papers for child support, child custody and/or visitation. This results in substantial problems that could have been avoided by dealing with the issue under the applicable family laws right away.

Some of the problems delay in establishing paternity can cause include decreased chance of primary physical or joint custody, child support arrearages, an appearance of disinterest and the impression that the Arizona courts are not fair to fathers. Let me explain:

Child Custody and Visitation: The courts like consistency in a child's life. Thus, if a father does not does not have a court order declaring him to be the legal father, it is very likely that the mother has been allowed to prevail on disputed issues regarding those entities that require proof of a parent's legal rights to make decisions. Such entities include schools, daycares, medical facilities, the Office of Vital Records and the like. Thus, it is likely that when it comes to making its decision about legal custody, the family courts usually go with the perceived status quo.

Similarly, if a father does not have anything done officially in the courts to solidify his rights, the mother has complete control over visitation and it is very possible that the father will be having access to his child less than he would prefer. So, as with custody, the family court may opt for the status quo, meaning that the father will receive the [possibly minimal] visitation he received up to the time the family court became involved. Thus, establishing legal rights early can help prevent a negative status quo. Of course, many fathers have their children residing with them or while also living with the child's mother and that is a very relevant factor the court considers when determining child custody and visitation, regardless of when the family court officially declares paternity and visitation rights.

Child Support Arrearages (Arrears): At the time the family court establishes legal paternity (via an "Order of Paternity"), the family court almost always also establishes child support. Like it or not, the family court also routinely orders that child support be made retroactive to a certain date. How far back the family court can go in retroactively apply child support varies based on a case's particular facts but the normal rule of law is three years. Thus, if a father either paid nothing or underpaid pursuant to the Child Support Guidelines, the father will have to pay both his current support and the arrears. In addition, the court can order that the father pay costs associated with the child's birth and the mother's expenses related thereto. Therefore, it is best to legally establish paternity quickly to avoid having large child support arrearages and other amounts owed.

The Appearance of Disinterest: It is possible that when a father waits too long to officially request his legal rights to his child, a family court judge could see it as a sign of disinterest. This varies from situation to situation but in the case where a father does not live with his child, it looks better when the father shows enough interest to study up on his legal rights and initiate court proceedings to officialize custody and visitation (parental access), decision-making rights and child support. In particular, judges may see in negative terms a father's request for visitation and other legal rights done only after a mother brings an action in the family court to establish paternity and child support.

Unfairness to Fathers: There may a number of factors that make some believe that the family courts are not fair to fathers when it comes to child custody, child support and parenting time. Obviously, that is a big debate. However, my personal experience shows me that the perception is worse for those fathers who delay establishing paternity. As discussed above, delay can mean that mothers have an advantage over fathers.

Source:  "What is the Biggest Mistake Fathers Make in Paternity Cases?" by Trent Wilcox, published at his Arizona Divorce & Family Law blog.

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If you have a child who has had to deal with a divorce, you should know about a A Kid's Guide to Divorce.  This website explains divorce in helpful language from a child's point of view.  Divorce can be a scary thing to grownups, so you can only imagine how children must feel about it.  The website has sections titled "Kids Can't Cause a Divorce!" and "Kids Can't Fix a Divorce".  It is available in both English and Spanish versions.

Source:  "A Kid's Guide to Divorce" by James J. Gross, published at his Not Just Every Other Weekend blog.

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Today, April 25th, is Parental Alienation Awareness Day.  The "simple" definition of parental alienation is behavior done by a third party which interferes with a normal parent-child relationship.  Common methods of alienating a parent include speaking negatively to or about a parent in front of the child, interfering with communication and visitation, and/or sharing inappropriate information with the child.  You can learn more about both parental alienation and Parental Alienation Awareness Day by
visiting Parental-Alienation-Awareness.com.

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Experts say that parents can make a huge difference in how well their children adjust to a divorce and spare their children a lot of unnecessary extra pain, if the adults handle it well.  The following tips can help parents help their children deal with their divorce:

• Realize that they cannot take away inevitable pain and stress from a divorce, because it simply hurts.
• View your future ex-husband or ex-wife as the parent of your child, regardless of his or her failures as a spouse, and the hurt feelings between you.
• Understand that when you have children and get a divorce, like it or not, your relationship with your ex-spouse must become a cordial business partnership as much as possible, for the sake of the children
• Don’t be disrespectful toward each other -- which tends to put kids in the middle -- or imply or say that the divorce is somehow the children's fault.
• Tell the children that a parent's love never will change, and the parents will continue involvement in the children's lives.
• Manage their own emotions in front of their kids so they can create as positive an environment for the children as possible.

Source:  "How to Help Kids Cope With Parents' Divorce" by Kellie B. Gormly, published in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review.  Thanks to Janet Langjahr for her post on this topic at the Florida Divorce * Child Custody * Domestic Violence Law blog.

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For anyone concerned about their children's online safety, CNET has produced an extensive guide to keeping kids safe online.  Not only is there written information, but the guide also contains video reviews, demonstrations, and parent-driven discussion groups.  Their guide is divided into the following six sections:

1. Developing safe and smart Internet citizens
2. Parental controls that keep tabs on young Web surfers
3. Growing concerns over cyberbullying
4. Parents, tech outdo lawmakers on Internet safety
5. User-generated videos challenge parental controls
6. Readers address online safety for kids

Source:  "Keep Your Kids Safe Online" published at CNET.com.  Thanks to Rick Broida for his post at LifeHacker on this topic.

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Syndicated columnist, college professor, and author Tom McMahon, offers the following guidelines for parents involved in contentious divorces to follow to minimize the negative effects on their children:

• Coexist peacefully with your former spouse. This involves putting aside your differences for the sake of the children and supporting each other in the continuing roles as parents. Both parents should encourage each other to maintain contact with the children.
• Do not argue in front of your children.
• Children need consistency in their lives. Whenever possible, keep the same daily routines. If you share custody, both spouses should agree on the same household routines (bedtime, mealtime, discipline, etc.).
• Do not use your children for emotional support during your divorce. Connect with adult friends and relatives for support.
• Wait until your children are mostly healed from the divorce before you begin dating.

Source:  "Minimizing The Trauma Of Divorce For Children" by Tom McMahon, published in The Morning News.

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A recent study by the National Institutes of Health found that children who had quality child care before kindergarten had better vocabulary scores by fifth grade, but the more time they spent in child care, the more likely their sixth grade teachers were to report problem behaviors.  As expected, the children's parents’ guidance and their genes had by far the strongest influence on how children behaved.

You can read much more about this study at the following links:

• Study of Early Child Care and Youth Development by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development 
• "Poor Behavior Is Linked to Time in Day Care" by Benedict Carey, published in The New York Times
• "Study Links Child Care to Acting Out" by Kevin Freking, published by the Associated Press

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The US government claims that there were 872,000 reported cases of child abuse or neglect in 2004.  Of course, there are countless other cases which were not reported.  No child deserves to be mistreated, and it is of the utmost importance that everyone act within their abilities to protect them.

A New York foster care and adoption agency put together a list of warning signs to aid in the detection and reporting of child abuse, which include the following indicators:

• a child who fails to thrive
• a child who is improperly dressed for the weather
• a child who wears ill-fitting clothing or clothing in poor condition
• a child left without adequate supervision who has been injured by another child in the home
• a child who has indicated that a parenting adult is withholding food
• a parenting adult failing to provide adequate hygiene or seek medical attention for a child
• a child suddenly exhibiting signs of depression
• a child who is always tired
• a child who is always late to school
• a child who rapidly gains a tremendous amount of weight
• a child who exhibits an unhealthy preoccupation with sex
• a child whose behavior changes noticeably in any way

Source:  "How To Recognize The Warning Signs Of Child Abuse" by April Jiminez, published at the Long Island Press.  Thanks to Janet Langjahr of the Florida Divorce Law Blog for her post on this subject.

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Parents are moving today more than ever.  In fact, I receive calls almost every week about these "parental relocation cases."  One of the (many) issues that the Court considers in such cases is the quality of the schools in each location. 

Fortunately, it is now easier than ever to find out necessary information about educational institutions located far away, thanks to Yahoo Real Estate.  This free service allows you to research both public and private schools in any state by city name or even by zip code.

The information provided includes contact information, enrollment, student to teacher ratio, and location on an interactive map.  There are also reports available on the school's test scores, students, and teachers.  This resource can prove extremely helpful as a starting point when a child's eduction is at issue, and I urge you to check it out.

Source:  "Find School Info With Yahoo School Search" by Wendy Boswell, publishd at LifeHacker.

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There is an old saying that I believe holds true -- "If' Momma's not happy, no one is happy."  Of course, that begs the question, how can mothers stay happy or at least happier?  Parenting.com recommends  the following steps for moms to be happier and more effective:

• Admit when you're stressed
• Get enough sleep
• (Re)consider your priorities
• Go with the flow
• Savor the moment
• Take the long view
• Reconnect with your spouse
• Say thanks

You can read the full article, which includes more about each of these suggestions by clicking HERE.
Source:  "How to be a Happier Mom: 8 Ways to Focus on the Positive" by Robert Barnett, published at CNN.com.  Thanks to David C. Sarnacki for his post on this topic at his Domestic Diversions blog.

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Many states are beginning to realize that children from the foster care system "might" need help after they turn 18.  The Florida Divorce Law Blog reports that the premise of helping foster kids beyond the day they turn 18 is taking hold in at least 17 states across the nation.

The New York Times reports that many states are expanding efforts to help young adults prepare for life outside the system, offering transitional housing, education, medical care and mentoring as they step out on their own, sometimes to age 21 or even beyond.

The American Bar Association supports a universal option for children to remain in foster care until age 21.  A study conducted by the Chapin Hall Center for Children at the University of Chicago indicates that those who remain in foster care longer are faring better than those who leave at 18.

Those advocating additional services point out that most young adults in our country are not prepared to fend for themselves on their 18th birthdays.  They believe that foster kids are even less prepared by virtue of being raised in foster care, and that explains why so many end up in jail, shelters and unrelenting poverty.

Of course, others claim that youths do not benefit from others taking too much care of them, because they are deprived of the opportunities and experiences that come from caring for themselves.  You can read more about this complex issue in the New York Times article "Offering Help for Former Foster Care Youths".

Source:  Thanks to Janet Langjahr of the Florida Divorce Law Blog for her post "Foster Care: Is the Job Complete on Youths’ 18th Birthdays?" on this subject.

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In most divorces, children are usually the last to find out that their parents are separating.  When they do find out, children have a variety of reactions, from feelings of abandonment to psychological dysregulation to immense anger.

Here are some tips on how to help children maintain their self-esteem and emotional equilibrium during the roughest of times: 

• Keep an eye out for changes in your child's emotions and these signs of depression:
  • Loss of spontaneity.
  • Excessive brooding.
  • Dramatic drop in grades.
  • Use of alcohol or drugs.
  • Loss of interest in his/her favorite activities.
• Avoid confrontation and conflict in the children's presence at all costs.
• Try to be flexible and think of the children's needs before your own.

Source:  "How to Ease Pain of Divorce for Children" by Kristina Diener, published at
TheAcorn.com.

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The following article was recently posted on my South Carolina Personal Injury Law Blog:

A Tulsa County, Oklahoma jury unanimously awarded $20 million in actual damages to the estate of a 7-month-old girl who died because of negligent care in a foster home. The lawsuit against her foster parent claimed that the child asphyxiated after being left unattended in a "filthy, roach-infested home."

The jury determined that the foster mother "acted in reckless disregard of the rights of others."  The trial judge then instructed jurors that they could consider an award of punitive damages against the foster mother, but the jurors decided not to award any additional money for punitive damages in this case.

The state Department of Human Services, which placed the baby in that foster home, had previously paid $175,000 to settle claims against it in the wrongful death lawsuit. That amount was the maximum DHS could pay under the law.

Source:  "Jury Awards $20 Million in Baby's Foster-Home Death" by Bill Braun, published in the Tulsa World.

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From a post on my South Carolina Personal Injury Law blog:

As I previously posted, Consumer Reports magazine reported two weeks ago that many infant car seats were reported to have failed side-impact crash tests.  However, Consumer Reports has now retracted the article after receiving data from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, who reported the seats appeared to do well at the correct impact speed. In its tests, Consumer Reports simulated impacts at more than 70 miles an hour when they were supposed to simulate an impact at 38 miles an hour.  Consumer Reports claims at its website that its report is withdrawn pending further tests of the performance of those seats in side-impact collisions.

Source:  "Consumer Reports Retracts Article on Car Seats" by Matthew L. Wald, published in The New York Times.

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Lawyers Weekly USA recently published an excellent article on parental alienation syndrome (PAS).  "Parental Alienation: The Latest Weapon in Nasty Divorces" takes an inside look at the various aspects of PAS from the perspectives of those involved in the legal system.  The article features interviews with psychologist Richard Gardner and several divorce attorneys: Steve Pradell of Anchorage, Alaska; Susan Gallagher of Minneapolis, Minnesota; Michael R. Walsh of Orlando, Florida; Patrick O'Reilly of Buffalo, New York; and me, Ben Stevens.

Some of the quotes from me in this article are:

• Although parental alienation has become a common weapon in custody cases around the country, proving it can be a tall order.  "It's like everything else in a custody case - it all comes down to what you can prove at trial. A lot of bad things happen, but they're very difficult to prove," said Ben Stevens of Stevens MacPhail in Spartanburg, S.C.
• But the heart of any parental alienation case is the expert testimony, according to Stevens.  "Take the child to a mental health professional and let him do testing," he suggested. "Then you've got an expert witness to come and say, 'In my expert opinion, this is what's going on.'"
• Third-party witnesses can also be a powerful weapon in court.  "Try to line up witnesses that would have had the opportunity to see [the parent] interact with the child. Teachers, scout leaders, dance teachers, karate teachers - people who see them during times when parents let their guard down and can say, 'I've never seen Dad say anything bad about Mom or Mom say anything bad about Dad,'" Stevens suggested.
• "I encourage my clients to act reasonably, assume anything they do or say could be shown to the judge - or better yet, that the judge is standing there watching," said Stevens. "I don't know if that's great advice or I've just had good clients, but I haven't had many alienation claims alleged against my clients."
• Stevens is also careful to take cases he believes in strongly.  "It's not worth it to me to deal with clients who are acting deliberately," he said. "If they're going to do that to their child's parent, I'm going to have a problem with them at some point."

The other attorneys interviewed in the article make interesting points, and some even disagree with  me on certain issues.  I strongly suggest that you read this article and consider all of the points raised by the various contributors.  You can read the full text of the article by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Parental Alienation: The Latest Weapon in Nasty Divorces" by Amy Johnson Conner, published at Lawyers Weekly USA.

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The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that over 1,500 toddlers and babies ended up in emergency rooms over a two-year period because of their reactions to common over-the-counter cold medicines. The deaths of three infants under 6 months in 2005 were found to have all been caused by high levels of pseudoephedrine, a nasal decongestant.

The CDC is warning parents against giving non-prescription cold medicines to children 2 and under without consulting a doctor.  Back in 1997, the American Academy of Pediatrics first advised parents about the risks of complications and overdose potential with certain cough suppressants.  Last year, the American College of Chest Physicians advised doctors not to recommend cough suppressants and over-the-counter cough medications to young children because of the risks.

Source:  "Cold Medicine Risky for Babies, Toddlers" by Daniel Yee, published in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

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Consumer Reports magazine reports that car seats for infants often fail to withstand broadside impact. Manufacturers are only required to test baby seats in head-on collisions, but the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration said they are working on developing their own broadside crash tests. Out of the 12 models tested, 10 of them failed the broadside crash test.  You can read the full article of the NY Times article by clicking HERE or the detailed Safety Alert at Consumer Reports by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Car Seats for Infants Often Fail in Broadside Crashes, Tests Find" by Matthew L. Wald, published in The New York Times.

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Before he discontinued his excellent New Jersey Family Law Blog, Pieter Droppert published the following article discussing what you should do if you oppose the removal of your children to another state.  I am pleased to republish his article below:

I recently received an inquiry from a parent that was shopping for an attorney to oppose the custodial parent moving to another state with the parties' children. No motion had yet be filed, but the non-custodial parent expected one anyday and wanted to be prepared.

After four attorneys had said it was a losing case and there was not much they would do without a $10,000 retainer, we discussed a few things that could be done in anticipation. This list is not meant to be exhaustive, but without betraying any confidences here's the topics we covered:

1.  Put together a diary documenting your involvement in the life of your child.
How involved in your kids lives you are - do you pick them up from school, take them to doctor's appointments, help them with their homework ? Are you a coach for any school teams they are involved with ? A motion Judge has to weigh many factors in a removal case, so its important to try and start buidling a case around those that will force him or her to take note of your involvment in the children's lives. Putting together this type of supporting documentation is not something you want to be scrambling to do faced with motion deadlines.

2.  Understand the different legal tests that apply in a removal situation and what the standard that will have to be met in your case.
The potential client I spoke with had been given information on legal tests that were no longer used or applicable. Your attorney should be able to take the facts and tell you what the legal test that needs to be met for removal to be granted. The legal standards are primarily based on whether one parent has primary residential custody or it is a shared parenting relationship. If your child spend three days a week with you and four with the other parent, then think "shared parenting" and transfer of custody standard (O'Connor v O'Connor test). If you only see your child every other weekend then the lower standard of good faith reason for the move and not harmful to the child's interests applies (Baures v. Lewis test). By understanding the tests the court will apply, you can better focus on areas where you can develop your case in opposition e.g. is there a good faith reason for the move ? Are the school districts likely to be the same or worse. If you think they are worse, start collecting information in support of this and how your child's education would be worse as a result of any move. How will this move effect the child's contact with your family if they are all local ? Again, start putting together information on their involvement that will help your attorney.

3.  Taking your personal thoughs out of the equation, what is truly in the best interests of the children and how may the Judge view the competing arguments.
Try to imagine yourself in the Judge's position and what their frame of reference will be. Only by weighing your argument in opposition against the likely arguments in favor will you have some sense of where the balance is and the realistic chances of prevailing. If it is a close call, then imagine what would happen if you win and also if you don't win, since there is never any guarantee of what will happen.

4.  Think what would happen if you win?
If you succeed in blocking the move to another state, will that fuel such resentment that your ex will alienate you from the child ? Will it mean they move to another part of the state anyway ? Would you have the ability and willingness to have primary custody of your child - do you have a job or personal situation that would realistically allow for this ?

5.  Work through the options in case you don't prevail.
The legal standards are tough and although you might put a good fight, think through the scenario of what happen if you don't win and court orders that the move take place - what would you need in terms of parenting time to still maintain an important role in your child's life. Make arguments with the child's best interests in mind e.g. even a move were to take place it should not happen till the end of the school year. It's possible you may be able to negotiate more parenting time in holidays and depending on the relative circumstances of the parties, a contribution to travel cots. The better the case you put together in opposition to the move, the more negotiation room you will have and the more concessions you may be able to obtain.

Removal to another state is always a traumatic time for all concerned. A good attorney should navigate you through the applicable legal standards for the situation you face, help you put together the best arguments in opposition and at the same time counsel you on what is realistic and in the event that you do not prevail, negotiate the best deal possible that protects your parenting time and future relationship with your child.

Source:  "Opposing the Removal of Your Children to Another State" by Pieter Droppert, posted at the New Jersey Family Law Blog.

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When married parents split up, they have equal rights to their children until the Court issues an order addressing custody, vistiation, and support.  However, what happens when unmarried parents disagree over issues pertaining to their minor children?

If the parents have never been involved in the legal system, then one obstacle that the father may face is proving that he is the "legal" father of the child.  For obvious reasons, there is never an issue over who is the child's mother, but determining paternity is not always so clear cut.  Being listed on the birth certificate as the father is an indication, but it is not always conclusive and can frequently be incorrect.

Section 20-7-953(B) of the SC Code of Laws states "Unless the court orders otherwise, the custody of an illegitimate child is solely in the natural mother unless the mother has relinquished her rights to the child. If paternity has been acknowledged or adjudicated, the father may petition the court for rights of visitation or custody in a proceeding before the court apart from an action to establish paternity." 

That section sounds as though it gives a preference to mothers in custody cases, but that is not its purpose.  The rationale for this section is that it is imperative that someone have custody of a child from the moment it is born, and again, there is never an issue over the biological mother.  While mothers often get custody of newborn children, that is not always the case, and the number of cases in which fathers get custody continue to increase.

Both parents should also be mindful of Section 20-7-100 of the SC Code of Laws, which states "The mother and father are the joint natural guardians of their minor children and are equally charged with the welfare and education of their minor children and the care and management of the estates of their minor children; and the mother and father have equal power, rights, and duties, and neither parent has any right paramount to the right of the other concerning the custody of the minor or the control of the services or the earnings of the minor or any other matter affecting the minor. Each parent, whether the custodial or noncustodial parent of the child, has equal access and the same right to obtain all educational records and medical records of their minor children and the right to participate in their children's school activities unless prohibited by order of the court. Neither parent shall forcibly take a child from the guardianship of the parent legally entitled to custody of the child."

This section aims to put both parents on equal footing to the largest extent possible, but again it refers to "both parents" so one could argue that it only applies to cases in which there is an Order of Paternity.  If there is, then one might be able to argue that the "joint natural guardians" language should take precedence over the language set forth in 20-7-953(B). 

As you can probably see from these Code sections, this area of the law is very complicated.  For that reason, you should always consult an experienced family law attorney to find out your rights, responsibilities, and obligations based on the facts of your particular case.  These issues are far too complicated to guess or to depend on what happened in a friend's case.

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An article recently published in the Washington Post reports that the rates of premarital intercourse have risen.  Of course, more frequent intercourse increases the chances of unintended pregnancies, which leads to unintended trips to Family Court.  Rarely during a night of passion does one stop to think about the possibilities of having to raise a child or pay child support for eighteen years.

This article discusses a new study of trends in premarital intercourse over the past half-century.  The study, based on a 2002 survey of about 12,500 men and women,  found that 97 percent of people who were no longer virgins at age 44 had sexual intercourse for the first time before they married. By age 20, only 12 percent of people interviewed had married, but 77 percent had sex, and 75 percent had sex before marriage. By age 44, 99 percent of people were no longer virgins, 95 percent reported having had premarital intercourse, and 85 percent had married at some point.

Source:  "Wait Until Marriage? 'Extremely Challenging'" published at the Washington Post, as referenced at the Family Law Prof Blog's "Rates of Premarital Intercourse Have Risen".

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Before he discontinued his excellent New Jersey Family Law Blog, Pieter Droppert published the following article discussing where is the habitual residence of a child under the Hague Convention?:

Thanks to Charles Abut’s New Jersey Family Law blog for drawing attention to the informative and well written opinion of Judge Posner in the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals case of Kijowska v. Haines where the question presented is what is the definition of “habitual residence” for the purposes of the Hague Convention? This case is relevant to New Jersey, since many parents are immigrants or nationals of other countries.

The Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction gives a parent of a child who has been wrongfully abducted or detained, the right to petition the court in the country where the child has been taken to have the child returned. This convention only applies to countries who are party to it e.g. United States, but not to countries who are not e.g. China.

The Hague Convention requires that custody of a child be determined under the law of the child’s place of habitual residence. In this case, a Polish woman had an affair with a U.S. Citizen. After overstaying her student visa, she returned with the baby to Poland. Six months later she came back on a visit to see the father from who she was estranged. However, at the fathers request she was refused entry to the U.S. due to his allegation that she was not intending to return to Poland, and the father was given custody of the parties’ infant daughter, based on an ex-parte custody order obtained from an Illinois state court.

The mother then brought suit in federal district court under the Hague Convention for her daughter to be returned to Poland. The father argued that the baby’s habitual residence had become the United States and that the mother had illegally abducted her in the first place. However, the district court and the 7th Circuit disagreed finding that just because the daughter was born in the United States did not make it her habitual residence, nor did the prolonged stay with her father mean the daughter had acquired a new habitual residence. Instead, the court held that since the mother was an illegal alien, she had no choice after the child was born but to leave the United States and take the child back to Poland. It was noted that the father made no effort to obtain custody at that time either in the US or Poland. Therefore, Poland became the child’s habitual residence and under Polish law, an unwed mother has custody of her child

Since the Hague convention requires custody to be determined under the law of the child’s place of habitual residence, the ex-parte Illinois custody order in favor of the father was “irrelevant”. The court affirmed the district judge’s order that the parties’ twenty one month old daughter be returned to her mother in Poland.

Source:  "Where Is The Habitual Residence of a Child Under The Hague Convention?" by Pieter Droppert, posted at the New Jersey Family Law Blog.

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AskMen.com published an article which discussed the basics of child support.  This article was aimed at men, but the principles discussed are gender neutral and apply equally to mothers and fathers.  You can read the full article by clicking here, but I have listed the highlights below:

• A DNA test is your best bet
  Paternity should almost always be the first question when it comes to child support.  Failure to request a paternity test could result in you paying for a child that is not yours. 
  
• Men can get child support
  Generally, the parent that has the child most of the time receives the child support payments.  Most people assume that the mother always gets custody, but that is not the case.  In fact, in an ever-increasing number of cases, the father receives custody.
• Child support is determined by a formula
  The factors used in the formula vary from state to state, but they generally include the parents' incomes, healthcare expenses, and day care expenses.  Almost every situation is different, and when it comes to comparing child support, you’re talking about apples and oranges.  A good attorney will ensure that the correct factors are used and that your child support is calculated correctly.
• You can make a private agreement with your ex
  A child support agreement doesn’t have to be created by the court. In fact, courts in most states would prefer people to work it out themselves. But for the agreement to be considered legal, it needs to be put in writing, signed and approved by the court.
• The court doesn't control how the money is spent
  A common complaint is that the parents receiving the child support spends the money on themselves.  It is important to understand that the money paid doesn’t go directly to the child, nor does all of it need to be spent on the child.  Just think, married parents don't give their paychecks (or a percentage of it) directly to their children.  The courts are concerned that the child's needs are met and that the child is not in harm's way.
• You can modify child support agreements
  Child support obligations can be recalculated when there is a change in circumstances.  Generally, you will be required to petition the court to do so, but it can be done if you can legitimately prove why it is necessary.
  
• A lower salary won’t change your obligation
  Believe it or not, some parents actually lower their own salary intentionally, with the belief that they won’t have to pay child support anymore.  Fortunately, the Court will not allow such attempts to hurt the kids.  In cases where this occurs, income is typically calculated based on  that parent's potential income (or earning capacity).
  
• You are responsible even if it was a one-night stand
  Marriage isn’t necessary for child support; only a child is required.  From a child support perspective, a one-night stand is the same as having a wife or a girlfriend, and the only question is paternity. 
  
• Step-parents aren't legally responsible
  If it’s not your biological offspring, you don’t pay. However, if you adopt the kids in the marriage and later divorce, the child is legally your responsibility and the Court will treat you just as if you were the child's biological parent.
  
• You don't get a tax exemption
  According to the IRS, the custodial parent gets to claim the tax exemption for the child, and not the parent who pays child support.
  
• Deadbeat parents can face state sanctions
  Deadbeat parents cost states a lot of money in administration.  Many states suspend the licenses of parents who don’t pay child support, and the licenses can range from the simple driver’s license to a business or law license.
• Child support usually ends at 18
  At the age of 18, one is considered an adult in the eyes of the law. At that point, child support comes to an end, unless they are still enrolled in high school. However, the date at which child support terminates varies widely from state to state, and you should consult an attorrney to find out the particulars for your state.

Source:  "Paying Child Support 101" by Michael Estrin, published at AskMen.com.

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During the holidays, children are the central focus for many of us, so now is a good time to think about Internet safety. To educate yourself on both the dangers that exist online and safety precautions to take, visit:

• SafeKids.com
• FBI's A Parent's Guide to Internet Safety

For in-depth guidance on ensuring the safety of your child’s online experience, visit the following sites:

• i-SAFE
• StaySafe.org
• Easy Ways to Keep the Internet Safe for All Ages by Scott Spanbauer
  

Source:  "Family Safety Online" published in the South Carolina Bar's E-Blast, volume 409

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The following advice is aimed at those parents who might be tempted to argue over holiday time with their children:

• Don’t do it. Don’t argue about it. Cooperate instead. Your kids and your families will thank you. If you have to get the children to the other parent’s home by a certain time, make it a point to arrive 15 minutes early. You will not only avoid the “you’re late” issue, but a little kindness can go a long way.
• Give up some of your holiday time so that the other parent gets to enjoy a part of the day as well. Unless the other parent is a genuine threat to the safety of the children, there’s no conceivable reason that a parent should not be able to spend part of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or any other holiday with the kids. Again, a little kindness will go a long way, and your kids will be glad to see and spend time with both parents on the holiday.
• Don’t be a Scrooge. Even if your co-parent is a royal pain in the posterior, behave well because you choose to, not because the other parent “deserves it.” You’ll feel better about yourself along the way…and it might even drive that difficult co-parent a little crazy that you’re being so nice.

Source:  "The Holidays Are Here" by William L. Wilson, published at the Indiana Family Law blog.

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The holiday season can be the best of times, but it can also be the worst of times if you have to fight over visitation issues.  Most family law attorneys will tell you that their phones ring off the hook this time of year answering questions about how best to resolve these problems. 

Dr. Ruth Peters, a clinical psychologist, wrote an article for the "Today" show, which addresses several topics which divorced parents will find helpful.  For instance, she lists the following gift-giving guidelines suggested by Jennifer Lewis and William Sammons in their book, "Don’t Divorce Your Children":

• Don't attempt to have gifts replace parental time and attention.  Minutes mean more than dollars.
  
• If you leave the price tag on or you make a point of what the gift cost, it’s not really a gift — it’s a notice of debt or obligation.
• Don't purchase a gift instead of making a support payment, as it can seriously hurt the financial status of the other parent.
• Make sure that gifts to all your children are comparable in value in order to avoid even implying any favoritism.
• Don’t compete with the other parent or put the other parent in a position of resenting your gift.
  

Divorced parents may find the following pointers from Isolina Ricci of "Mom’s House, Dad’s House", helpful for holiday visitation planning:

• Come up with several versions for your holiday plans, specifically time with and without the children.
• Present these alternatives to the other parent and give him/her adequate time to consider your proposals and respond.
• Address the holiday plans well in advance and try to avoid waiting until the last minute.
• Once you have reached an agreement, follow up your understanding with a brief and informal note of confirmation.
  
• Be as specific as possible when making plans. Which parent will have the children, which day? For how long? Who will do the transporting?

Dr. Peters also made the following suggestions, which can be invaluable:

• Follow the rules once the schedule has been resolved or agreed upon.
• Respect the other parent’s religious practices, even if they are different from yours.
• Begin your own holiday traditions to enjoy the holidays together.
• If your ex is uncooperative, keep the children's best interest at the forefront and ahead of your own interests.
  

All of these suggestions are discussed in greater depth in Dr. Peter's article, which you can read by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Give Peace to Your Family This Holiday Season" by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D., published at MSNBC.com.  Thanks to Daniel C. Nunley of the Oklahome Family Law Blog for his post about this article.

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One of the questions that family law attorneys are frequently asked is under what circumstances can a non-custodial parent claim a child as a dependent on his/her income tax returns.  Fortunately, the  Family Law Taxation blog has published the following article, which addresses that very issue in great detail:

Non-Custodial Parent's Deduction for Dependents: Tax Court Denies Dependency Deduction for Non-Custodial Parent Because Taxpayer Did Not Include a Signed Form 8332 With His Return

The tax consequences of separations can impact a number of areas. One such area is the deduction for dependents.

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I am proud to present the following powerful post from my friend, MIchael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog, that every parent should read before going through a Family Court case:

There is nothing worse in the area of divorce and family law than to witness the disasterous effects that a divorce can have on children. Of course, it doesn't have to be that way. A big part of our focus is devoted to trying to reduce the pain of the divorce process by taking a more proactive, collaborative approach. This is especially important when children are involved.

With that in mind, this may be the most important blog post I ever make. I want to introduce a website I recently came across. It is free and it is called www.uptoparents.org.

This site allows parents going through a divorce to shift their focus to the well being of their children. Each parent separately reviews a list of commitments and makes a checkmark beside each one that (1) they recognize as important to their children's protection and (2) they are ready, willing and able to observe.

After that, the site generates a list of Agreed Commitments (the ones that both parties separately agreed were important for their children and to which they were committed to observing).

This is a powerful exercise that can make a major beneficial difference in the lives of the children of divorce. By completing the exercises and making these commitments each parent shifts their focus from conflict and competition to a cooperative parenting approach - and that is what each child of divorce needs and deserves.

I sincerely hope that any parent reading this that is going through a divorce will take a look at the site. Then, if your interest is truly what is best for your children, I hope that you and your spouse will complete the exercises and make these commitments for the sake of your children.

Source:  "It is Up to Parents" by MIchael Sherman, published at the Alabama Family Law Blog.

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According to a Newsweek report, the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly 4 in 10 babies in the United States were born outside of marriage in 2005, which is a new high.  Also, the CDC reports that approximately 40 percent of those mothers will cohabiting with the child's father -- at least for a while.

This is significant, because I believe that most of these couples will end up in the Family Court system at some point.  Think about it, if they are not married, the issues of custody, visitation, and child support will need to be addressed unless those couples can amicably agree on those issues, which is probably not likely to happen.

The best thing that these unmarried parents can do when they split up is to consult with an experienced family law attorney to find out what their rights, options, and responsibilities are.  If both parents act are reasonable, the attorney(s) can usually help them negotiate an agreement to address those issues and resolve them amicably.  By doing so, they can focus their energy on working together to raise their child instead of fighting each other (often for years) in Family Court.

Source:  Thanks to the Family Law Prof Blog for its post on this article.

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What happens when one parent decides to move away and take the child with him/her?  Such cases are referred to as "relocation cases", and they are occurring more often in today's ever increasingly mobile society.

Jeff Atkinson of the DePaul University College of Law wrote an Overview of Law of Relocation in the 50 States for the American Bar Association Section of Family Law Spring 2006 Conference.  In his article, Prof. Atkinson addresses the following topics:  Presumptions and Burden of Proof; Notice Requirements; Factors Considered in Deciding Whether or Not to Permit Relocation; and Remedies of the Court.  Also, he includes a summary of the applicable statutes and/or case law from each of the fifty states, which can serve as a helpful starting point for research on this issue.

As Prof. Atkinson correctly points out, in South Carolina, the issue of relocation was last addressed in Latimer v. Farmer, 360 S.C. 375, 602 S.E.2d 32 (2004).  In that case, the Supreme Court abolished the former presumption against relocation, stating: “In all child custody cases, including relocation cases, the controlling considerations are the child’s welfare and best interests. The presumption against relocation is a meaningless supposition to the extent a custodial parent’s relocation would, in fact, be in the child’s best interest.”

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A recent article in The Syracuse Post-Standard reported that the following books can help kids deal with issues and emotions surrounding divorce.  The fiction titles include characters coping with similar circumstances that occur when parents divorce.

Fiction

• "Dear Mr. Henshaw," by Beverly Cleary. Ten-year-old Leigh shares his thoughts and story through letters to his favorite author. Ages 9 to 11.
• "If I Have a Wicked Stepmother, Where's My Prince?," by Melissa Kantor. Lucy reluctantly moves across the country with her stepmother and stepsisters while her father wraps up his work in California. Ages 12 and older.
• "The Divorce Express," by Paula Danziger. Phoebe spends much of her time riding a bus between her divorced parents' houses. She tries to fit in each place while figuring out who she really is. Ages 11 and older.
• "Southpaw," by Rich Wallace. Jimmy moves to a new town when his parents divorce. He then has to deal with an ultra-competitive dad when he joins the baseball team. Ages 8 and older.

Nonfiction

• "Why Me? A Teen Guide to Divorce and Your Feelings," by Rachel Aydt. Advice for middle-school students.
• "Family Break-up," by Keeley Bishop and Penny Tripp. Discusses why families break apart.
• "My Parents Are Getting Divorced," by Florence Cadier. Written to appeal to teens, this book provides techniques to deal with issues surrounding divorce.
• "The Divorce Helpbook for Kids," by Cynthia MacGregor. Includes advice on life after divorce and subsequent emotions and situations.

Source:  "Stories Help Children Deal With Divorce" by Jeffrey Lalloway, published at the California Divorce and Family Law blog.

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Jennifer Wolf has published an article with the following practical suggestions to help newly single parents get started and on the right path in their new lives:

1. Develop a Support Network. 
   
2. Ask for Help.
3. Schedule Time to be Alone.
   
4. Think Outside the Box.
   
5. Be Present with Your Kids. 
   
6. Get the Facts About Your Situation.
7. Grieve.
   
8. Pay Attention to your Physical Health. 
   
9. Identify What Gives You Strength. 
   
10. Let Go of What Isn't Working. 
    
11. Focus on the Positive. 
    

You can read the details about each of these steps and access Ms. Wolf's full article by clicking HERE.

Source:  "How To Get Through the First Year as a Single Parent" by Jennifer Wolf of About: Single Parents.  Thanks to Mark A. Wortman of the Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog for his post about this article.

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The United States is expected to ratify the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoptions sometime in the near future.  The U.S. signed this treaty in 1993, but it has been slow to implement its rules for a variety of reasons.  Currently, sixty-nine countries on six continents are parties to this convention.

In "New Rules Will Alter Process For International Adoptions" published at the San Diego Union-Tribune, Elizabeth Bernstein reports that some of the more important consequences of the United States finalizing this process are:

• Once the United States ratifies the Hague treaty, its regulations will govern all adoptions in countries that are party to it, and it will be against the law for Americans to adopt children from countries that have ratified the treaty but are in violation of its laws.  This could open new sources for adoptions (such as Mexico and Brazil) while closing other existing ones (such as Guatemala).
• International adoptions should become safer for children and the biological and adoptive parents.  Countries that are party to the treaty have to follow specific procedures and guidelines, such as setting up a central authority to monitor international adoptions. They also will have to accredit agencies or individuals that arrange adoptions of children from Hague countries.
• Foreign adoptions should become more predictable and transparent.  Once the rules are implemented, U.S. adoption agencies or individuals (such as adoption lawyers) approved to work in a Hague country will go through an accrediting process, as well as the state licensing already required. In addition, the agency will have to carry a minimum of $1 million in liability insurance, and in many cases will be held responsible for staff working in other countries.
• Agencies will have to try harder to get credible health information on the child and to supply it to the adoptive parents. They also will be required to try to gather more information on the biological parents and share it with the adoptive parents, subject to local privacy laws.
  
• Agencies must disclose the full cost of an adoption upfront.  However, some critics say that the total price of an international adoption may increase because of the new accreditation fees of $7,000 to $13,000 every four years and the additional staff which will likely be required to compile the necessary documentation for the accreditation process and to make sure they are compliant with Hague regulations.

You can read much more about the Hague treaty and its implications at the following:

• Text of the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoptions (*.pdf format)
  
• "For International Adoptions, U.S. To Finally Implement The Hague Convention On Intercountry Adoption" by Scott J. Sagaria of the California Family Law Blog.
• "Implementation of The Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption" from the U.S. Department of State.

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Brent Rose of The Orsini & Rose Law Firm recently answered the following question on his firm's outstanding Family Law Blog:

Question:  "I was given sole custody. I know that means I have full control over where my child goes to school, goes to church, goes to the doctor, etc. My ex has asked the school to send my child's grades to both of us, not just to me. How do I make the school send the grades only to me?"

Answer:  My first question is, why would you want to deny your ex that information? Putting a block between your child and your ex will almost certainly backfire on you. Your child will most likely have a great difficulty understanding why you took a step, however small, to alienate him or her from your ex. Your may distrust your ex, fear your ex, even hate your ex, but your child probably doesn't. Your child, at any age, probably wants a relationship with your ex. I realize there are exceptions to this rule, especially at the older ages where children often become less attached to and dependent on their parents, but you should stay out of it. DON'T DO ANYTHING TO DISTANCE YOUR CHILD FROM YOUR EX unless you have a really, really, REALLY good reason. Like maybe a court order or a provable fear of harm to your child. Notice I said, "provable."

And most judges won't back you up if you try to keep grades from your ex. Florida judges are very reluctant to prohibit a parent from seeing the grades of his or her child. Judges do what they can to unite children with estranged parents, and they are very reluctant to do anything that separates children from their parents in any way unless there is evidence of child abuse or some other direct harm to the child.

But that doesn't really answer your question, does it? Despite my warning, if you want to keep the grades from your ex, you can probably get away with it. Show the principal your "sole custody" order, and the school will probably send the grades only to you from that point forward. Your ex may complain to the school, but most school officials would recommend to your ex that the matter be taken up in court. Then they'd continue to send the report cards only to you. Keeping grades from your spouse may be wrong, but you'd probably be successful. Now that I've answered the question, I can only hope you'll use your newfound knowledge for good, not evil.

Source:  "Can I Keep My Child's Grades Away From My Ex?" by Brent Rose, published at The Orsini & Rose Divorce and Family Law Blog.

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The Myrtle Beach Sun News recently ran a series of articles exploring how the South Carolina Department of Social Services investigates cases involving child abuse and neglect and how those investigations affect the children involved.  Reporter Issac Bailey spent over four months working on this project, and it gives a good insight into some of the issues involved in these types of cases.

I was interviewed for this series, primarily with regard to the Department's attempt to blame all its problems on budget cuts.  The portion of the article in which I was referenced is listed below:

The deep budget cuts were not the primary cause of DSS's shortcomings, said Benjamin Stevens of Stevens MacPhail law firm in Spartanburg.

Stevens has been representing families in Spartanburg, Cherokee, Laurens and Greenville against DSS since 1995.

"I think the money issue is just a red herring to throw everybody off the trail," he said. "I saw as many problems more than four years ago as I do today."

DSS employees must be better-trained and must conduct more thorough investigations upfront, especially when it comes to determining which abuse and neglect cases are legitimate. That would make it easier to use resources wisely, he said.

"If they get better-trained people in there, they should get better results," Stevens said.

DSS should hire private lawyers to train foster care workers in appropriate and effective investigative techniques, he said.

If you are interested in reading more of this series, here are links to the different articles:

• Infant's Death Reveals Problems in System
• Deaths of Children in DSS System Peak in 2005
• DSS Actions Get Mixed Results
• Extra Funds Set to Fortify Child Welfare
• DSS Workers Handle Tough Job, Criticism

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You are probably not surprised to hear that divorcing parents often do things that negatively affect their children.  Use the children to manipulate or control their spouse?  Sure.  Put the children directly in the middle of a nasty, contested case instead of trying to shield them?  Unfortunately yes.

What if there were programs to educate parents and help them become cooperative ex-spouses?  Fortunately, there are many such programs located across our state and across the country.  One such program in the Upstate is the "Children in the Middle" (CIM) program offered by The Phoenix Center in Greenville, SC.

The CIM program, formerly known as PACT (Parent and Child Transition), is a four week program that addresses how the divorce experience relates to parenting.  Through small group sessions, this program allows both custodial and non-custodial parents a chance to consider different points of view.  You can click HERE to view a *.pdf description of this program, including its statistical success rate.

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The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission offers the following tips on costumes, treats and decorations to help your children trick-or-treat safely this year:

Costumes:

• When purchasing costumes, masks, beards and wigs, look for flame-resistant fabrics such as nylon or polyester, or look for the label "Flame Resistant." Flame-resistant fabrics will resist burning and should extinguish quickly. To minimize the risk of contact with candles and other fire sources, avoid costumes made with flimsy materials and outfits with big, baggy sleeves or billowing skirts.
• Purchase or make costumes that are light, bright and clearly visible to motorists.
• For greater visibility during dusk and darkness, decorate or trim costumes with reflective tape that will glow in the beam of a car's headlights. Bags or sacks also should be light colored or decorated with reflective tape. Reflective tape is usually available in hardware, bicycle and sporting goods stores.
• Children should carry flashlights to see and be seen.
• Costumes should fit well and not drag on the ground to guard against trips and falls.
• Children should wear well-fitting, sturdy shoes. Oversized high heels are not a good idea.
• Tie hats and scarves securely to prevent them from slipping over children's eyes and obstructing vision.
• If your child wears a mask, make sure it fits securely, provides adequate ventilation, and has eye holes large enough to allow full vision.
• Swords, knives and similar costume accessories should be made of soft, flexible materials.

Treats:

• Warn children not to eat any treats until an adult has examined them carefully for evidence of tampering.
• Carefully examine any toys or novelty items received by trick-or-treaters under three years of age. Do not allow young children to have any items that are small enough to present a choking hazard or that have small parts or components that could separate during use and present a choking hazard.

Decorations:

• Keep candles and Jack O' Lanterns away from landings and doorsteps where costumes could brush against the flame.
• Remove obstacles from lawns, steps and porches when expecting trick-or-treaters.
• Indoors, keep candles and Jack O' Lanterns away from curtains, decorations and other combustibles that could catch fire. Do not leave burning candles unattended.
• Indoors or outside, use only lights that have been tested for safety by a recognized testing laboratory. Check each set of lights, new or old, for broken or cracked sockets, frayed or bare wires, or loose connections. Discard damaged sets.
• Don't overload extension cords.

Source:  "CPSC Reminds Parents to Keep Trick-or-Treaters Safe this Halloween"

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Parents like giving their kids things.  However, giving them too much too often can deprive kids of more important things, such as the ability to set priorities or make long-term plans, the pride of achievement, and even empathy.  So how can parents raise financially responsible children instead of spoiled brats?

Here are some thoughts from Fortune and AOL, though be forewarned that some of them are unconventional, as they are aimed more at wealthy parents:

• On allowances:  Pay them, but require some sort of effort for them.  One interesting idea is to require children to save some of it, give some of it away, and spend some of it.
  
• On shopping:  Once a child reaches a degree of financial literacy, set a limit and let him/her make the decision about what to spend the money on.  For example, give the child a set amount of money to purchase clothing with, and hold the child to that amount.
  
• On fiscal responsibility:  Have the child plan a significant family purchase, such as a vacation or a new car, within a certain specified framework.  This can enourage a child to think about comparison shopping, price for value, even negotiating and finding consensus (if other family members are involved).
  

The love of money is not the root of all evil -- those other deadly sins matter, too.  Children who love money too much can be the root of many unhappy families.  The bottom line is that in most cases, brats are made, not born.

Source:  "How Not to Raise a Spoiled Brat" by Cait Murphy, published at AOL.com.

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In a decision issued earlier this week, the South Carolina Supreme Court made it clear that a bad faith motive is not required as a prerequisite to proof of voluntary underemployment for purposes of imputing income when calculating child support. 

The presence of bad faith is a factor in determining whether a parent is voluntarily underemployed, but the lack of such bad faith does not preclude a finding of voluntary underemployment.  You can read the full text of Arnal v. Arnal by clicking HERE.

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Does this sound familiar?  Parents divorce and are granted joint custody of their child, with the mother having primary physical custody and the father having liberal visitation.  This arrangement works fairly well for a year or so, but then problems develop.

The "problems" that arose include:

• Mother prevents father's new wife from picking up children from day care by not adding her name on the approved list;
• Mother plans to change child's last name, by including her maiden name and hypenating it with the father's (child's) last name;
• Mother refuses to allow child to continue seeing a therapist she had been seeing for six months;
• Mother interrupted the child's holiday visitation with the father; and
• Mother calls father's new wife a "dirty wh---" in front of the child.

I can tell you from my own practice that these types of parental misconduct occur far too often.  In fact, I either have (or have had within the past three months) custody cases involving every one of these allegations.  It seems as though the parent gets so caught up in his/her own negative feelings toward the ex-spouse that they simply forget about the child's interest or welfare.  How can any parent defend calling the child's step-parent a dirty whore?

When presented with the facts set forth above, the Missouri Court of Appeals found that the mother's actions "constituted an 'adverse circumstance' that was “adverse to [the child’s] best interest'” and that "the best interest of the child warranted a transfer in custody from [the mother] to [the father], with [the mother] having specified visitation."

Kudos to the Courts in Missouri for recoginzing the seriousness of these types of problems and for actually doing something about it.  Far too often, Courts will give parents a "slap on the wrist" in such situations, believing that will discourage such future conduct.  However, the opposite is often true, and parents become emboldened when they see that they can get away (for the most part) with such conduct. 

You can read the Missouri Court of Appeals' full decision in Giannaris v. Giannaris by clicking HERE.

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The following insightful article was posted at the Ottawa Divorce Blog last December:

The Globe and Mail published news about a study conducted by Statistic Canada that concludes “Even before a marital breakup, young children of parents heading for divorce tend to develop mental health problems.”

Supposedly big news, but it’s not a big surprise to me. An unhappy marriage normally does not end overnight, despite the fact that people seem more willing nowadays than in the past to walk away from a marriage that’s not working.

The reality is that for at least a year before a couple separates, and often longer, things on the home front will be unhappy. Often, the children will witness open hostility and nastiness between their parents. Even in cases where parents are civil to each other the children will notice that the marriage is not working. In addition, children will often be pressured, subtly or not so subtly, to side with one parent or the other. Is it any wonder that the children are developing mental health problems even though there’s no divorce?

The difficulty really is that divorce is a dramatic and definable event, whereas a couple “heading for a breakup” is a lot more difficult to identify. Lots of couples have marital difficulties, which doesn’t mean they’re “heading for a breakup.” Even if a couple is “heading for a breakup,” the family problems may be hidden from outsiders. Only when the marriage ends can you know for sure, and then of course, it’s too late for the children.

Source:  "Divorce and Children’s Mental Health" by Jeffrey Behrendt, published at the Ottawa Divorce Blog.

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The SC Court of Appeals recently issued a decision, LaFrance v. LaFrance, which contains a very thorough analysis of when and how income should be imputed, particularly with regard to child support calculation purposes.

In this case, the Family Court found that the husband was "either not employed or significantly underemployed" and that he "has the ability to earn in the lower range of the senior level salaries, or about $100,000.00 per year." 

The husband claimed that he was unable to earn that income because of a downturn in the telecommunications industry in which he previously worked; a lack of local job opportunities in his former field; and his numerous health problems. 

The Court pointed out that for calculation of child support under guidelines promulgated pursuant to section 43-5-580(b) of the South Carolina Code, income is defined as “actual gross income of the parent, if employed to full capacity, or potential income if unemployed or underemployed.” 27 S.C. Code Ann. Regs. 114-4720(A)(1) (Supp. 2005). 

Regarding the imputation of income, the guidelines provide:

If the court finds that a parent is voluntarily unemployed or underemployed, it should calculate child support based on a determination of potential income which would otherwise ordinarily be available to the parent . . . .

(b) In order to impute income to a parent who is unemployed or underemployed, the court should determine the employment potential and probable earnings level of the parent based on that parent’s recent work history, occupational qualifications, and prevailing job opportunities and earning levels in the community.

The Court of Appeals then anaylzed many decisions both from SC and other states dealing with the issue of imputation of income.  In the end, it reversed the amount of imputation of income and remanded the case for a calculation of imputed income consistent with its opinion. 

Other issues discussed in this opinion are (1) the parties’ contributions to the marriage; (2) the invasion of Husband’s assets for temporary support; (3) the award of the marital home to Wife; (4) Husband’s share of children’s private school tuition; (5) Husband’s share in future profits from the sale of the marital home; (6) the classification of Wife’s jewelry as marital property; and (7) the award of guardian fees in the Supplemental Order.

You can read the full text of LaFrance v. LaFrance by clicking HERE.

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As I posted earlier this week, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Incidents of domestic violence occur all too often, and many times, children are present during or shortly after such incidents occur.  Not only are these children traumatized by what they may see, it can affect them long term.

Attorney Lynne Z. Gold-Bikin of Wolf, Block, Shorr and Solis-Cohen in Norristown, PA points out that domestic violence does not start with adults, it's a learned behavior -- starting with children.  She says

"When you, as a wife, live in a home where you're abused with children, you need to think about what you're teaching your children. If the children see Dad hitting Mom to end an argument, the girls learn that that's the way arguments are ended and the boys learn that that's the way to end arguments."

Ms. Gold-Bikin believes that it's important for parents to talk to their children about what types of behavior are (and are not ) acceptable, not just with girls but especially with boys.  She says it's also crucial for teens who see boys abuse their girlfriends to step in and stop it.  This is great advice that we can apply to help combat this ongoing problem.

Source:  "Talking to Kids About Domestic Violence" by Karin Phillips, KYW NewsRadio 1060.

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I am pleased to bring you the conclusion of our exclusive presentation of "An Emotional Survival Guide for Teens" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  Last week, I published Part One of this series, and today is the conclusion.  I hope that you have found this series helpful, and thanks again to Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to present this series to you.  Here is Part Two:

If you are a teen, this is for you. If you know a teenager, pass it along.  This week, we will explore the second part of this series of the hardest things about being a teen and ways to make it easier on yourself. We will talk about why life is such an emotional challenge at times, and what you can do to make it less stressful. With the strategies we’ll be talking about, you may even enjoy your teen years.  The remaining four strategies can help you survive your teen years. Here, I pick up where I left off last week:

10. Create your own private place. As you grow older, you have a greater need for a private place that is all your own. You need it as a place to escape to, but also as a place where you can create your own life. At the end of adolescence, you will be an adult, ready to go out into the world. You will need to be ready to stand on your own, as an independent and responsible person. It helps if you have some things you can call your own, such as:
    
    
    • A private space
    • A place to play music
    • A place to study and read
    • A place to write down your thoughts and feelings, such as a private journal
    • Places to meet friends
    • Your own money
    • Your own possessions


11. Make a few good friends. Making new friends takes some effort. Some people seem to make friends quite easily, while others find it difficult. It’s mostly a matter of learning a few skills. See if you can develop behaviors like these:
    
    
    • Smile
    • Appear friendly
    • Say “Hi”
    • Ask questions
    • Give compliments
    • Join groups
    • Ask for information (“Where did you get your jacket?”)
    • Be interested


12. Find someone you can talk to. Just in case you hadn’t noticed, adolescence can be a highly emotional time. You are learning new things every day and you are not always ready to meet the demands of social situations. It’s very important to have someone you can talk to during this time. Different people can help you with different kinds of problems. The important thing is that when you start to feel stressed, it means you probably need to let it out. Look for help from people like these:
    
    
    • Parents
    • Siblings
    • Relatives
    • Minister or rabbi
    • Doctors
    • Psychotherapists
    • Police officers
    • Teachers
    • School psychologist
    • Guidance counselor
    • Your friends
    • Friends’ parents
    • Neighbors


13. Learn teamwork skills. Being a part of a team is an important skill, and it will become even more important when you are an adult. Teamwork skills include things like these:
    
    
    • Cooperating
    • Making decisions
    • Being loyal
    • Encouraging others
    • Planning
    • Problem solving
    • Supporting
    • Trusting

Voila!....the secret thirteen ways of surviving your tumultuous teenage years! Really, some of this is good for parents to read to be aware of how to help their children transition through those ego developing years. These are just a sampling of ideas that can be applied. These thirteen ideas are not new and they are not just from me. They are common ways that can be easily applied to helping your teenager work to find themselves and become authentic in their search for identity.

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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The Spartanburg County Bar Association has begun a new service project aimed at providing valuable child identification information to the parents of every first grade student in our county.  The program, Fingerprints for Life, aims to compile fingerprints, photograph and biographical / demographical data (name, address, date of birth, parent contact information, etc.) of each child onto a pocket card and CD-Rom for use in case of an emergency. 

The Bar is currently involved in the process of raising the $7,000 necessary to purchase 2,000 fingerprint kits for this year's first grade class.  If you would like to help with this project, or if you would like additional information about the project (perhaps to use in your area), you can contact the project chairman, Noel Turner, III at 864.585.8166 or mnturner@bellsouth.net.  You can read the Bar's press release about this project by clicking the "continue reading" link below ...
Continue Reading...

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I am pleased to bring you this exclusive presentation of "An Emotional Survival Guide for Teens" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I will publish Part One of this series today and will conclude with Part Two next Wednesday.  I hope that you find it helpful, and I want to thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to present this series to you.  Here is Part One:

If you are a teen, this is for you. If you know a teenager, pass it along.  For the next 2 weeks, we will explore the hardest things about being a teen and ways to make it easier on yourself. We will talk about why life is such an emotional challenge at times, and what you can do to make it less stressful.
 
It is really difficult being a teenager in the year 2006. Your parents didn’t give you the magical Teenager Survival Manual that explains exactly how to go about growing up and becoming an adult. Many teens find moving from child to adult one of the most hardest things to do. Sometimes, it seems as if you are always encountering problems and resistance from parents, friends, relatives, and teachers.

The ideas shared in this two part series are not new and they are not just my ideas. They are common strategies that can be applied in different ways. I share them here as a way to try to help the struggling teenager and help give the parents more information in their support of their children. So, I offer you, the teenager (or parent), the first nine of thirteen strategies that can help you survive your teen years. With the strategies we’ll be talking about, you may even enjoy your teen years.

1. Understand what emotional changes to expect. It always helps to know what you’re getting into. When you know what to expect, the changes of adolescence don’t come as such a surprise. It’s like seeing the trailer before you see the movie, or reading the table of contents before you start a book. It gives you a sense of what’s to come, so you feel prepared.


2. Get to know yourself better. The teen years can be very confusing. You often may feel like you’re not the same person you were when you got up this morning. How do you keep track of your changing self? One way is to keep a journal, a private notebook where you write about your feelings.


3. Look for positive influences. The teen years can be less stressful if you have a role model. This means someone whom you would consider a mentor, a good example, or someone to pattern yourself after. Role models are important because they set an example for you to follow. If you admire someone and model yourself after him or her, it can give you some direction and some goals. Think about the people who are positive influences in your life. They might be family members, teachers, leaders, or famous people you will never meet but whom you admire just the same.


4. Practice thinking for yourself. It is a sign of strong self-esteem. It means that you know you matter, and that you value your ability to think. Thinking for yourself means that you ask questions, rather than just accepting what people tell you.


5. Learn to be assertive. Assertive behavior is another sign of self-esteem. It usually means that a person values him- or herself. Assertiveness is standing up for yourself and protecting your own interests.


6. Learn to present yourself with confidence. Here is one way to develop confidence. First, make a list of at least five things you do well. Then make a list of at least five things you don’t do very well. Choose something to do from the first list every day. This will make you feel good about yourself. Then, when you’re feeling good, do something from the second list. You will see that the way you feel about yourself at the moment can greatly affect how you perform.


7. Learn to express your opinions. Here are some tips:
   
   
   • Know what you want to say. Organize your facts and arguments.
   • Choose the best moment. Having good timing can make a huge difference in the impact your statement makes.
   • Look friendly. People will be more receptive to you if you smile.
   • Develop your listening skills.
   • Watch your voice. Speak clearly and not too loudly.
   • Disagree in a pleasant and polite way. Being rude or unfriendly turns people off and lessens your impact.
   • Know the difference between facts and opinions. Facts will help you win your argument.
   • Acknowledge the other point of view. People may not agree with you. You have more power when you acknowledge that others have a right to a different point of view.


8. Find out what you believe in. One of the tasks of adolescence is to find out what you believe in, what you value in life. This process involves questioning the ideas of people around you, especially your parents. It is understandable that you will reject some of the values and beliefs of your parents, but there are constructive ways of disagreeing.


9. Learn to disagree productively. There are plenty of nonproductive ways to disagree with parents and other authority figures, such as temper tantrums, violent behavior, rebellious behavior, and disobeying laws. You will have more success if you learn the more productive ways to disagree, such as developing your negotiation skills or by forming or joining an action group.

Ok, there are the first nine. Look out next week for the remaining four strategies for surviving your teenage years!

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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If you are interested in the grandparent-grandchild relationship, you might enjoy the following article, "Kids Need Contact With Their Grandparents After Divorce" by Eva Neuman:

When a family breaks up, everyone suffers  children, parents and also grandparents, who suddenly have to face the fact that they may not see their grandchildren any more or if they are able to maintain contact, they find it greatly reduced.

In many countries, grandparents have visitation rights by law if it's in the best interest of the child. However, the grandparents must prove this in family court. The parents and grandparents are strongly urged to sit down and work out arrangements responsibly and considerately before a fight erupts.

The relationship between children and their grandchildren is important.

'A child learns another broad realm of experiences and acceptance through their grandparents,' said professor Gerhard Amendt, a sociologist and family researcher at the University of Bremen in Germany. 'They can make the child feel a serenity that derives from their life experience and their age.'

This perspective is different from that which they could receive from their parents who have a stronger, more structured influence on the life of a child.

Grandparents become important figures for children, whose world often collapses when parents separate. They sometimes become allies of the child, and the child might find them more reliable than their parents in providing comfort. They cannot be blamed for causing the sadness the child feels during a breakup.

In a practical sense grandparents often take on new tasks when a couple with children splits up.

'Many divorces would not be realized if there weren't grandparents involved,' said Ingrid Gross, a lawyer specializing in family law in Augsburg, Germany. They step in with financial support and help look after the kids, filling in for the missing partner.

In many cases contact with the grandparents on the side of the partner who maintains custody of the children, usually the mother, is strengthened.

Maintaining relations with the grandparents of the other partner, usually the father, is often more difficult. However, grandparents can also help in this case.

'While a child is still young, many fathers are happy to be able to spend a weekend with the child at the grandparents' home because there he has practical help in how to take care of and raise the child,' Gross said.

Breakups involving children become very problematic when the situation is contentious and laden with conflict, and when one of the partners is granted sole custody of the child, said Rita Boegershausen, co-founder of an initiative based in Essen, Germany, for grandparents of children involved in separations and divorce.

The danger in such cases is that the partners automatically identify their in-laws as members of the 'enemy camp' and cut off contact entirely.

'It's important that grandparents stay out of the conflict as much as possible even though they most likely feel closer to their own child than their son- or daughter-in-law,' said Boegershausen. The best thing a grandparent can offer the child is neutrality within the relationship.

'During visits grandparents should never try to agitate the child's feelings toward his mother or father, and should keep a straight face with regard to the situation,' Gross said. The child will repeat what he heard at home, and that could bring an end to the grandparents' access to the child.

Thanks to Jeffrey Lalloway of the California Divorce and Family Law blog for his post about this article.

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I wanted to follow up last week's post about the Clemson University athlete who has taken responsibility of his 11 year old brother in the midst of a family crisis.  IPTAY, the Clemson University athletic booster association, released the following additional information today about the trust which has been established to assist this young boy:

Information concerning public contributions to the Fahmarr McElrathbey Trust Fund was released  Tuesday  by the Clemson Athletic Department. The fund  will be established through the First Citizens Bank of Clemson, SC.


Fahmarr McElrathbey is the brother of Clemson football student-athlete Ray Ray McElrathbey, who has been granted custody of his 11-year-old brother Fahmarr.   The story was originally told in an article by Charleston Post Courier sportswriter Larry Williams in August, and has featured in various national media outlets in the last few weeks.  Ray Ray McElrathbey, a red-shirt freshman on the Clemson team, was named the Person of the Week by ABC World News tonight last Friday.

Last week, the NCAA granted Clemson a waiver, allowing the establishment of a trust to benefit Fahmarr in terms of providing basic needs in terms of food, clothing and other areas.  The waiver also allows family members of Clemson coaches and administrators to provide transportation for Fahmarr.

The details of the trust  agreement have not been finalized, but a special escrow account to be administered by Chris Olson of Olson Smith Jordan and Cox has been established.  Once the trust agreement is complete, all funds in the account will be transferred to an account administered by the First Citizens Trust Department.

All contribution are not tax deductible.

All checks should be made payable to  First Citizen F/B/O Fahmarr McElrathbey and can be mailed to:

Fahmarr McElrathbey Trust
c/o First Citizens and Olson Smith Jordan and Cox Attorneys
Post Office Box 1627
Clemson, SC  29633

Anyone who wishes to make a contribution in person at the bank should come to First Citizens Bank at 1055 Tiger Boulevard in Clemson, South Carolina.

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"You've just got to realize your priority is not you, because it's all about the child. You should think about him first."  Wise words and sage advice -- especially when you consider that they were spoken by a 19 year old college football player.  ABC News named Clemson University sophmore football player Ramon (Ray Ray) McElrathbey as its "Person of the Week" for the steps he has taken to care for his 11 year old younger brother. 

If you are not familar with this story, here is a summary.  In order to keep his little brother from being sent to a foster home, Ray Ray sought and was granted custody of his little brother because his parents were not able to care for him due to drug and gambling problems. 

For the past month or so, the two brothers have been forced to survive on Ray Ray's scholarship stipend, along with some extra money that he earns washing cars and mowing lawns.  The boys live in an off-campus apartment, and they do not have a vehicle.  They have had to rely on friends to assist with transportation, such as taking the younger brother to and from school.

The Clemson family and community has wanted to help the boys, but NCAA rules prohibited any such assistance, as college athletes are not allowed to accept "gifts," monetary or otherwise.  However, at the request of Clemson University and with the assistance of intense media coverage, the NCAA granted a rare waiver earlier this week that will allow Ray Ray to accept certain "gifts" of free babysitting, clothing and food for his brother.

Ray Ray said "I just hope he sees the college life and wants to get his education.  He won't have to rely on things like an NCAA waiver or someone else to take care of him. I just want him to be able to take care of himself, to become a respectable God-fearing young man."  He also said "I would consider myself a learning parent. I wouldn't say I'm a great parent, as yet. But I'm striving to be the best parent I can be.  I just try to make him feel more comfortable, just make him feel loved."

I can assure you from my years as a family law attorney that most "grown up" parents do not have this much insight and perspective into what their children really need.  If they only had as much wisdom as Ray Ray does, their children would be much better off, and my job would be a heck of a lot easier.  Not that he needs kudos from me, but as an alumnus and booster of Clemson, an attorney, and a father, I am so proud of Ray Ray for stepping up to the plate under these difficult circumstances.

If you are interested in reading more about Ray Ray's inspiring story, you can check out the following articles:

• "NCAA Finally Comes Through" and "NCAA Grants Waiver for Clemson Football Player" published at TheTigerNet.com
• "Clemson DB Mature Beyond Years" published in The Tampa Tribune
• "NCAA OK's Help for Football Player" published at WHNS Fox Carolina
• "NCAA acted fast to help Clemson CB" published at SportsIllustrated.com
• "NCAA: Clemson May Aid Player Raising Younger Brother" published at ESPN.com

Source:  "Person of the Week: Ray Ray McElrathbey" published by ABC News.

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The South Carolina Department of Social Services fails to follow state law in child protection cases, according to a report issued on August 23, 2006, by the Legislative Audit Council. The review, which had been requested by the state legislature, found that DSS case workers are not following the law requiring reports and visits in cases involving abuse and neglect. More than half of the sample of cases they reviewed showed caseworkers failed to visit once a month. Auditors also found DSS staffers sometimes did not complete abuse investigations within the required 60-day period. DSS Director Kim Aydlette reportedly "huddled" with representatives from victim advocate and child welfare groups after the report was issued to explain the report's findings and what she would do about them. Specifically, the auditors (who reviewed operations in York, Bamberg, Kershaw, Lexington and Marlboro counties) found that DSS:

• Failed to comply in 34 of 55 cases reviewed with polices requiring children of in-home cases be seen every 30 days.
• Didn't follow procedures cases reviewed to put people considered to have committed sexual abuse on a central registry in 30 of the 77 cases reviewed.
• Doesn't take disciplinary action against caseworkers and/or supervisors with regard to policy violations.
• Allows workers to resign before disciplinary action is taken, opening the possibility that they can find work in another DSS office with no record of past problems.

I am frequently retained to represent people accused by DSS of abuse and neglect. I wish that I could report that the findings from the five counties listed above are anomalies, but I cannot. I have seen many cases handled in manners ranging all the way from half-handed to outright wrong. I am not saying that all caseworkers are deficient, as there are some good ones out there, but unfortunately I have found them to be the exception rather than the rule. You can read more about the Legislative Audit Council's critical report of DSS by clicking HERE. Source: "Auditors Find Fault With Social Services" published at GoUpstate.com.

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South Carolina has paid $49 million in fines to date for failing to meet the federal government's deadline for getting its child support tracking system online. An additional $9 million has been levied, but not yet paid, bringing the total fines to $58 million. The fines might seem high at first glance, until you realize that that the system was to have been in place twelve years ago. The executive director for the Association for Children for Enforcement of Support called South Carolina's tardiness "ridiculous". The federal government mandated this system be established nationwide to track parents who are behind on child support payments and make it more difficult for them to hide. Not only will parents and children continue to wait for the state to comply, its citizens will continue to foot the bill -- with an additional $30 million in federal penalties expected before the system is online. Source: "S.C. 12 Years Late on Child-Support System" published at The Charlotte Observer.

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As you are certainly aware, it's Back-to-School time. If you have young children, you may want to read "Raising Polite Preschoolers" by Peggy Post and Cindy Post, which was published at Parents.com.

This article recommends the following eight general rules to get started raising polite preschoolers:

1. Establish basic standards.

2. Talk about values in concrete terms.

3. Emphasize empathy.

4. Believe in magic words.

5. Set the stage for sharing.

6. Focus on meeting and greeting.

7. Explain why being polite is important.

8. Teach about "big voice" and "little voice."

You can read the full article, which also includes tips on teaching table and telephone manners, by clicking HERE.

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Both you and your children will enjoy these back-to-school items, "Print It: Back-to-School," from Parents.com:

• Memory Match Games (set 1 and set 2) — sharpen your child's mind with memory games

• Homework Help — help your child keep track of his/her homework assignments

• "Progress" Reports — track what your child learned each week

• Happy Morning Calendar and Stickers — encourage good days for your child

• Good Night Chart and Stickers — eliminate the bedtime blues

• School Stickers — decorate school supplies

• Lunch-Box Love Notes — let your child know that he/she is always on your mind

• Clip 'N' Save Important Numbers — make sure that everyone has your important numbers

• Bookplates — never wonder who a book belongs to

• Bookmarks — help your child remember where he/she left off in any book

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Today's ATLA L@w News Digest gives the following summary of an article by Tresa Baldas published on August 1, 2006, in the National Law Journal:

"In a case that family law experts fear could set a dangerous precedent, a Michigan teenager is suing his mother to learn the identity of his father. Family law attorneys say the issue of compelling a mother to reveal the identity of the biological father is a new area of law. And depending on how the Michigan judge rules in the case, they say, courts nationally could see a new flood of lawsuits of children suing their parents.

"You are opening the floodgates of litigation," said Richard Crouch of Crouch & Crouch in Arlington, Va., who has been practicing family law for more than 30 years and has sat on several American Bar Association (ABA) and Virginia State Bar family law committees. "The courts haven't got any business concerning themselves with this area, even if there are health concerns. You're opening up too large an area where a lot of the litigation would be useless and frivolous."

I respectfully disagree with the other family law experts referenced in this article. I believe that as a general rule, children have a fundamental right to know who their parents are. Of course, there should be exceptions when such information would not be in the child's best interest (such as situations where the child was conceived as the result of a criminal act), but why would it not be in the child's best interest to know who his/her parents are.

Should the Court not require the mother to disclose the father's identity, I could envision situations where mothers would attempt to use that to their advantage to try to keep the father out of the child's life. The Court should encourage parents and children to have healthy, meaningful relationships with each other, not condone the construction of additional walls which could be used for the opposite reason.

I also take exception with Richard Crouch's assertion that the Court shouldn't concern themselves with this issue "even if there are health concerns." The health and welfare of a child should certainly trump a selfish mother's desire to conceal her sexual partner's identity in virtually every case.

As for Mr. Crouch's fear that the floodgates of litigation might be opened as a result of this case, I am sure that someone made the same statement when it was first suggested that non-custodial parents should be forced to pay child support. However, just because a concept is new and may result in increased litigation should not make it presumed to be wrong or a bad idea.

I would be interested in hearing what my readers think about this subject. Please click on the "Comments / Questions" link to give me your input.

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Alan Pearlman recently wrote an excellent post at his blog on the concept of modifying child custody. While his article was aimed at those in Illinois, many of the concepts are applicable in other states, such as South Carolina.

Either parent may bring an action seeking to modify an existing custody arrangement. Generally, the parent seeking the change must prove that there has been a significant or substantial change in circumstances since they were last before the Court. Once that has been shown, the Court must determine what is in the best interest of the child(ren).

Significant changes in circumstances can include the following:

• Changes in the Parent's Lifestyle

  A change in the parent's lifestyle changes so as to threaten or harm the child in some way can justify a change of custody. This can include things such as a parent taking a new night job that requires him/her to leave a young child at home alone or beginning to abuse alcohol or drugs.

• Destabilization of the Household

  Events which disrupt the stability of the child's home can lead to modification of custody or visitation. Such events can include the arrest of the parent for a violent crime, death of the parent, abandonment of the child, or an allegation of sexual abuse by the parent.

• Geographic Moves

  The relocation of a custodial parent can warrant a change of circumstances if the move is of a significant distance. The Court will generally want to protect the visitation rights of the noncustodial parent, and it may change custody or place a greater burden on the relocating parent to maintain the noncustodial parent's relationship with the child.

• Child Preference

  If a child develops a strong preference to live with one parent, the Court will consider that when deciding whether to modify custody. However, the Court will also factor in the child's age and the reason for the stated preference. for instance, is the child being bribed or would the other parent be more relaxed with regard to discipline. (Please see my prior post, Child's Preference in Custody Cases, for more on this topic.)

Source: "Grounds to Modify Child Custody" by Alan Pearlman, published at the Chicago Family Law Blog.

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In SC DSS v. Mangle, the South Carolina Court of Appeals affirmed the Family Court's holding that the father's child support obligation terminated on the child’s 18th birthday. However, it is important to note that this case is very fact specific and merely clarifies the law, not change it.

The child support statute, S.C. Code Ann. § 20-7-420, currently provides

(A) The family court has exclusive jurisdiction . . . To make all orders for support run until further order of the court, except that orders for child support run until the child is eighteen years of age or until the child is married or becomes self‑supporting, as determined by the court, whichever occurs first or to provide for child support past the age of eighteen years if the child is in high school and is making satisfactory progress toward completion of high school, not to exceed the nineteenth birthday unless exceptional circumstances are found to exist or unless there is a preexisting agreement or order to provide for child support past the age of eighteen years.

Prior to that section being amended in 1996, child support obligations generally ended by operation of law when the child reached majority. In this case, the father's child support obligation was established prior to the 1996 amendment of S.C. Code Ann. § 20-7-420, and this his support obligation ended on the child's 18th birthday.

You can read the full text of SC DSS v. Mangle by clicking HERE.

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The South Carolina Supreme Court recently discussed when the Family Court may award post judgment interest on past due child support and whether that interest should be simple or compound interest.

Our Legislature amended the applicable statute, S.C. Code Section 34-31-20(B), last year, and it now provides that the legal rate of interest is equal to the prime plus four percentage points, compounded annually, for all judgments entered on or after July 1, 2005. Prior to that time, only simple interest was allowed.

The Court noted that because the Legislature has only recently expressed a clear intent that post judgment interest be “compounded annually,” the Family Court properly denied the request for compound interest in this case because post judgment interest may only be granted from the date each child support payment came due.

You may click here to read the full opinion in Edwards v. Campbell.

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From this week's "Ex-Etiquette" in the Charlotte Observer:

Question: How old do you think a child should be before you tell him the specifics of your divorce? My son is 10 and has been asking me why his dad and I broke up. It was because his father left me for his current wife of two years, and I'm thinking now that my son is older he should probably know the truth before he gets any closer to that woman his father married. What do you think?

Answer: OK, we understand the desire to be vindicated. Your ex left you for another and that's not playing fair, but you have to ask yourself when considering passing on information like this, "How will knowing this help my son? Will it make him stand a little taller and feel more secure? Will it improve his quality of life?" We doubt it. Plus, your ex has been married to the other woman for two years and you haven't sheltered your son from her so far, so he has probably already built some sort of rapport with her. Offering this type of information now would undermine not only the relationship he has built with her, but also his relationship with his father. We can't see how sharing this information with him at this point in his life will improve your son's quality of life, so we vote no on telling him for now.

What about when he becomes an adult, is that a good time to tell him? Our answer would still be the same. If the information isn't pertinent to making his life better, the information need not be volunteered. We aren't saying lie to him. The fact is, the truth has a funny way of coming to the forefront even if we don't push. As a result, you may be confronted by your son asking you for the real story without your needing to volunteer the information. He might be told by an aunt or an uncle, or even a friend who knows the whole story. With this in mind, no matter how difficult it may be, it's best to talk to your ex now and agree about how both of you will present the truth if asked. Don't add insult to injury by lying or tell your son two different stories. Be prepared just in case it happens and get on the same page.

For the record, we would like to say, "Bravo!" We know only what you have told us, but we certainly acknowledge that it's tough to stay quiet with information like this, especially if you have been wronged. The fact that you have has obviously been for the sake of your child. That's a sign that you are putting him first, and that's always the best thing you can do.

Source: "If Divorce Details Don't Help Child, Zip Your Lip" by Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe.

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A recent British study found the following interesting facts:

• In 2002, 149,000 children under 16 were affected by divorce, which was nearly twice as many as in 1971.

• By the age of 16, almost one in four children born in 1979 had experienced their parents' divorce.

• However, despite the frequency of divorce, only 1 in 20 children believe that it was properly explained to them.

• Grandparents and school friends emerged as the greatest sources of comfort for the children of divorced parents.

• One-fourth believed that no one had talked to them at all about the reasons for their parents' separation.

• More than half of the children who spent time in two different households took a positive view of such an arrangement.

Source: "Children on... Happiness, Divorce, Sex, Playing, Heroes and Depression" in The Independent.

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As was widely reported, a fellow in Michigan filed an action earlier this year alleging that he shouldn't be required to pay child support because his ex-girlfriend had a baby against his wishes. He and his supporters were touting this case as the "Roe v. Wade for Men," and asking the Court to rule that Michigan's paternity law violates the Constitution's equal protection clause.

I did not give his action much coverage on my blog, because frankly I thought that his action was so frivolous. Apparently, a federal judge in Michigan has agreed with my assessment. The decision issued earlier this week by U.S. District Judge David Lawson stated "The court finds that the plaintiff's claim is frivolous, unreasonable and without foundation." Further, Judge Lawson granted the Michigan Attorney General's request that the fellow pay the state's legal fees, which are expected to total thousands of dollars.

You can read the full opinion in Dubay v. Wells by clicking here, or you can read more about this case at the following links:

• "Judge Dismisses Landmark Paternity Law Challenge" by David Ashenfelter, published in the Detroit Free Press
• "Judge Dismisses Lawsuit in 'Men's Roe v. Wade' Child Support Case" by Steven Ertelt, published at LifeNews.com
• "'Roe vs. Wade for Men' Case Dismissed as Frivolous" published at the Dowagiac Daily News
  Tags: Children, Procedure
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The S.C. Court of Appeals issued a decision earlier this week, Clay v. Burckle, in which it addressed the requirements of and interplay between the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act (PKPA) and the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA). Specifically, this case analyzes the circumstances under which a state may / may not exercise jurisdiction when another state originally issued a custody order.

The PKPA (28 U.S.C. § 1738A) mandates three criteria for a court to retain continuing jurisdiction:

1. that the original custody determination was entered consistently with the provisions of the PKPA;
   
2. that the court maintain jurisdiction under its own state law . . . ; and
   
3. that the state remains the residence of the child or of any contestant.”

South Carolina's version of the UCCJA (S.C. Code Ann. § 20-7-810(a)) provides that if a court of another state has made a custody decree, a court of this State shall not modify that decree unless:

1. it appears to the court of this State that the court which rendered the decree does not now have jurisdiction under jurisdictional prerequisites substantially in accordance with this subarticle or has declined to assume jurisdiction to modify the decree, and
   
2. the court of this State has jurisdiction.

Since the PKPA is federal legislation, its provisions will govern any conflict between it and the UCCJA. These statutes were enacted with the goals of:

• avoiding conflicting custody decrees between states;
  
• avoiding relitigation of custody decisions of other states in this State insofar as feasible;
  
• facilitating the enforcement of custody decrees of other states.

As the Court of Appeals stated in a previous case, Widdicombe v. Tucker-Cales, South Carolina courts generally give great deference to the jurisdiction of the state that originally ruled on a custody matter, especially when that state attempts to exercise continuing jurisdiction over a custody decree on which it has previously ruled.

You can read the full opinion in Clay v. Burckle by clicking here.

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He who acts like a father, is a father -- if not biologically than at least legally -- the Court of Appeals held in a 5-2 decision imposing "equitable paternity" on a man who wrongly assumed he had fathered a child and acted accordingly. In Matter of Shondel J. v. Mark D., the Court upheld the lower courts in ordering a man to pay child support on behalf of a child he did not father.

The father argued that the imposition of "equitable paternity" effectively saddled him with an involuntary adoption, in violation of the Constitution and contrary to public policy. However, the Court instead focused on the best interests of the child, citing the "potential damage to a child's psyche caused by suddenly ending established parental support need only be stated to be appreciated. Cutting off that support, whether emotional or financial, may leave the child in a worse position than if that support had never been given."

"The issue does not involve the equities between the two adults; the case turns exclusively on the best interests of the child," Judge Rosenblatt wrote. "The Legislature did not create an exception for men who take on the role of fatherhood based on the mother's misrepresentation ... [T]he mother's motivation and honesty are irrelevant; the only issue for the court is how the interests of the child are best served."

Source: "N.Y. High Court Says Mistaken Avowal of Fatherhood Imposes an 'Equitable Paternity'" by John Caher, published at Law.com.

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The Online Lawyer, Travis Robbins, recently published the following article on step-parent adoption at his excellent blog:

I have wanted to post about this subject for quite some time but have not done so until now. My main concern has been disclosing too much personal information about a family that I have become very close friends with. I have decided to go ahead and post an article on the topic but leave out many of the salient personal facts I usually include in my posts. That being said, consider the following:

I know a loving family made up of both natural and step parents and children. The children (both natural and step) are close friends. You cannot tell based on observing the interaction between the parents and children which parent is the natural parent of which children.

About a year and a half ago the stepfather of three of the children wanted to adopt them. I was informed that the children's natural father was willing to agree to the adoption (for reasons I will not discuss). The family contacted me about drafting the paperwork for the adoption. In doing so, I found that the stepparent adoption process is unique in a number of respects from a regular adoption.

Natural Parent Consent and Waiver

In most states all legal paperwork for adoption must be filed by an attorney. After the family contacted me about the stepparent adoption, the first step I took was to contact the natural father of the children to be adopted. I wrote the natural father a letter and enclosed a form consenting to the adoption. The form identified the children to be adopted and included the statement "I relinquish all rights to and custody of these three (3) minor children with full knowledge of the legal effect of the adoption and consent to the adoption by [John Doe]. In Florida, there is additional language that must also be included in the form. I will make the form available at some future date. The natural father signed the form and returned it to my office.

Consent of Adoptee

In most states if children are over a certain age they must consent to the adoption by the stepparent. In Florida, that age is 12. As one of the children was over twelve years old when the adoption occurred I drafted a Consent of Adoptee form which she signed. The form is basically an affidavit stating, among other things, that she was 12 years of age or older and consented to the adoption. The affidavit also states that she was aware that she would then become the adopting parent's legal child and heir at law. She also consented to change her last name to that of her adopting father.

Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act Affidavit

Most states require the adopting stepparent to complete and sign an affidavit identifying the children to be adopted and stating whether the adopting parent has other adopted children. The affidavit also acknowledges the duty of the adopting parent to inform the Court of any custody, visitation, child support, or guardianship proceeding (including dissolution of marriage, separate maintenance, child neglect, or dependency) concerning the children in any state. This affidavit is called the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act Affidavit. The adopting father signed the affidavit.

Joint Petition for Adoption by Stepparent

Once the affidavits and aforementioned forms were executed, I filed them with the Court along with a Joint Petition for Adoption by Stepparent. The petition was filed on behalf of both the adopting father and natural mother. Less than one month after all of the forms were completed and filed with the Court, the Court held a brief hearing (more to give advice to the children and adopting parent than anything else) and issued a Final Order of Adoption.

Source: "Family Law: Stepparent Adoption" published by Travis Robbins at The Online Lawyer blog.

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Sharyn T. Sooho, co-founder of Divorcenet.com and Massachusetts family law attorney recently discussed with Financial-Planning.com how financial planners can help divorced parents deal with the challenges of paying for college:

1. In what ways is paying for college more difficult when divorced?

   It differs from state to state. In Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Hawaii, New Jersey and New York, courts can order divorced parents to pay for college. In Massachusetts, for example, if two parents go to court, and one would like to send the child to Stanford and the other to community college-because that's all he or she can afford-the judge can say, "You're going to Stanford." It's an interesting contrast to the lack of legislation governing parents who are married.

2. What are some of the common financial mistakes people make when negotiating a divorce?

   When parents have younger children, they may say they'll address college when the children are in high school. It's a very open-ended situation. These disputes, when they do come up, are sometimes more bitterly fought than the original divorce.

3. Are there any other laws that people should be aware of when they're divorcing?

   People need to understand that the term "domicile" is open enough to allow students to live at school and still be considered legally residing with a parent. That's why support flows into the custodial parent's home. Support may not be reduced significantly if a child is living away from home. That comes as a surprise to most people. This of course only applies to states where courts can order support for children over 18. In Georgia and some other states, when the child turns 18 there's no obligation to provide support.

4. How can financial advisers help clients going through a divorce?

   Financial advisers are helpful to the clients' attorneys because they use a different language. Attorneys use a specific vocabulary about rights and responsibilities, alimony and division of assets. Financial advisers come in with a more nuanced discussion of finances. They tend to bring in charts, which lawyers don't often do.

5. How can advisers help their clients avoid some of these hardships?

   The earlier off they can start clients saving for their children's college education, the better, and that is one less stress for a divorce.

Source: "5 Questions: Sharyn Sooho" by Elizabeth O'Brien published at Financial-Planning.com.

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The South Carolina Department of Social Services has issued its updated, 2006 Child Support Guidelines (CSG). The CSG were approved by the Legislature and signed by Governor Mark Sanford, and they went into effect on June 23, 2006. I plan to have additional posts on the contents of the updated CSG in the future. In the meantime, you can download a *.pdf version of the CSG by clicking here.

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M. Travis Robbins of the The Online Lawyer blog recently posted an article, Child Support: He's Hiding Assets, which discusses the subject of a parent concealing assets and the impact this had on his child support obligation. In the case discussed by Mr. Robbins, the mother petitioned the Court reassess the father's finances to potentially increase his child support obligation. The issue was that the father had several real estate holdings which had skyrocketed in value but were not considered in the child support analysis.

Mr. Robbins points out that most states have statutes which set uniform guidelines for awarding child support and allow the court to periodically increase or decrease a child support award when the finances of the paying parent change and that the uniform guidelines primarily base the child support amount on the parents' monthly income. In his client's case, he petitioned the Court for an equitable adjustment to the child support based on the increased value of the father's assets, but he acknowledges that it is unlikely that his client will prevail.

I can understand both sides of this issue, and good arguments can be made in support of each. On the one hand, the person receiving the child support wants to make sure that the other parent pays his/her "fair share," which is often times defined by that person as "the most I can squeeze out of him/her." At the same time, the person paying the child support wants to pay his/her "fair share," which is often defined as "the minimum I can get by with paying."

South Carolina's Child Support Guidelines take the following factors into account when calculating the child support obligation:

• Father's gross monthly income;
  
• Mother's gross monthly income;
  
• Amount of work-related child care expenses;
  
• Amount paid for health insurance on the child(ren);
  
• Amount of extraordinary medical expenses for the child(ren);
  
• Number of other children living in each parent's home; and
  
• Amount of alimony paid and received between the parents.

The Court has the ability to deviate upward or downward from the amount calculated under the Child Support Guidelines, but it is unusual for the Court to actually do so. The above-listed factors were chosen because they are more objective and easier to verify than other items such as assets. For instance, the mother in Mr. Robbins scenario wants the Court to factor in the appreciate of the father's real estate, but how would the amount of appreciation be conclusively determined? Certainly, each parent would produce different appraisals, perhaps drastically different. Also, what happens if the property value plummets? Would the mother be willing to accept a drastic reduction in the father's child support obligation? I suspect not.

I guess that the point of this post is that there is no perfect way to calculate child support, nor is there any method that encompasses all the variations and nuances of every case. I believe that the best method is calculating the obligation per the "guidelines," treating that amount literally as a guideline and not set in stone, and giving the Court discretion to deviate from that amount if the specific situation warrants it. However, I am interested in hearing your thoughts on this subject and invite you to post your comments.

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I recently became aware of a great new blog, The Online Lawyer, which has practical, useful posts on topics from family law to bankruptcy. The blog is published by M. Travis Robbins, an attorney in Tallahassee, Florida. The following article, Divorce: Things To Consider, was published a few weeks ago:

I once heard an acquaintance say that the happiest day of his life was the day he got married and the second happiest was the day he got divorced. From that statement I think it is safe to assume that his ex-wife would probably put the two in reverse order. Although my wife and I have been happily married for eleven years I am not so blind as to think all marriages work out. Sometimes there is just no reconciling marital differences. If you have decided to get divorced consider the following:

Consider Mediation First

As a general rule, the more the parties can work out themselves the happier each will be with the end result. Consider mediation. Mediation is an opportunity for each party to appear before a neutral third party to discuss issues such as alimony, child support, child custody, asset division, etc. Divorce mediators are skilled in drafting divorce agreements addressing each of these issues. If the parties are able to reach an agreement at mediation the agreement may be submitted to a family law judge for approval. In many cases, a hearing may not even be necessary for a judge to grant a divorce pursuant to a mediated divorce agreement.

All statements made during mediation are confidential and cannot be submitted before the court. Also, if the parties are unable to reach an agreement at mediation they do not have to sign the agreement. A word of caution: If your spouse appears at the mediation with an attorney and you do not have an attorney, terminate the mediation until you counsel with a divorce attorney. I know numerous individuals who tried to avoid paying attorney's fees by negotiating with the other party's attorney. I have never seen a case where the unrepresented party came out ahead (or break even for that matter).

Custody and Visitation of Children

If the parties cannot agree on legal custody of the children, a court will determine who gets custody. The primary consideration in determining custody is what is in "the best interest of the children." Many states have different criteria for determining such interest. Consult a local divorce attorney in your area to find out what factors your state uses.

The spouse who is granted "legal custody" has the right to make decisions about a child's upbringing including the children's schooling, religion, medical care, etc. The parent who is granted "physical custody" has the right to have the child live with that parent. Often "legal" and "physical" custody are shared; but more often than not shared custody is the result of a mediated divorce agreement. The noncustodial parent is usually allowed reasonable visitation rights. The parents are usually left to work out their own schedule of time and place for visitation which allows the parents flexibility in determining the schedule.

Child Support

Most states have legislated guidelines for determining child support based on the income and expenses of each parent. In determining child support, most states require the court to look at the needs of the child (i.e. health insurance, education, day care, and special needs), the income and needs of the custodial parent, the paying parent's ability to pay, and the child's standard of living before divorce or separation. Most states require each parent to fill out a financial statement before a court can make a decision.

Alimony

Alimony (a/k/a spousal support) means payment by one spouse to another following a divorce. Alimony is usually granted when the marriage was of a long duration and one spouse earns considerably more than the other. Alimony is also usually granted when one spouse has left the workforce to raise the children or manage the household. Make sure you keep adequate records if you are paying or receiving alimony.

Source: Post by M. Travis Robbins at The Online Lawyer blog.

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What happens when someone is accused of acting improperly toward a child? Generally, that person is faced with one or more of the following actions:

• The person may be arrested and charged with a criminal offense;

• The Department of Social Services (D.S.S.) may file an abuse/neglect action in Family Court; and/or

• The other parent may file an action in Family Court to modify that person's custody and/or visitation with the child.

Private custody and visitation actions are discussed elsewhere on my blog, but I would like to discuss the interaction between the other two types of cases: criminal cases and D.S.S. actions, which are civil cases. Criminal cases can take months (and sometimes years) to get to trial. However, by statute, D.S.S. cases are generally required to be scheduled and tried in an expedited manner (generally within 35 to 65 days).

The implications of the two cases can be drastically different. Lose the D.S.S. case and you may face restricted access to the children, be required to attend certain types of classes or counseling, and/or be placed on the central registry of abuse and neglect. Lose the criminal case and you could be incarcerated for a long, long time.

In light of these factors, a popular strategy to use when representing a client faced with both a criminal case and a D.S.S. case was to request that the D.S.S. matter be postponed until after the criminal matter was concluded. The reason for this strategy was that most attorneys did not want their client to testify (and be subject to cross-examination) in the Family Court case as long as the criminal charges were pending.

The South Carolina Court of Appeals addressed this very situation in a decision issued last week. In S.C. D.S.S. v. Walter, the appellant raised concerns that he might not be able to testify in the D.S.S. case due to pending criminal charges. The Family Court denied his request to hold the family intervention action in abeyance pending resolution of the criminal charges.

The Court of Appeals held that his decision whether or not to testify, while admittedly a difficult one for tactical reasons, did not implicate either the South Carolina or United States Constitution. It found that it was not a constitutional violation for the removal action to proceed to trial while related criminal charges were pending against the appellant, who chose not to testify in the removal action due to the pending criminal charges.

The Court appeared to place a good deal of weight on the statutory mandate for an expedited resolution in Family Court intervention actions for the protection of an abused or neglected child. However, I have several concerns with the Court's analysis in that regard:

• The allegations are merely that -- allegations and nothing more -- until they are proven.

• The accused can agree to certain conditions (such as no contact with the alleged victim) which will adequately protect the child pending resolution of the criminal charges.

• The rights of the accused should not be ignored, and I would argue that the accused constitutional right to liberty (and the threat of being deprived of it in the criminal matter) should perhaps trump the desire for an expedited resolution in the Family Court matter.

You can read the Court's decision in S.C. D.S.S. v. Walter by clicking here.

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At first glance, most people would probably answer a resounding "no" to this question. However, a recent column in Time magazine by Po Bronson says stepparents should have the legal rights of parents -- though it doesn't specify if that means all the same rights, or a partial or subordinate set of rights. That column was inspired by a recent Supreme Court opinion in the State of Washington legally recognizing as "de facto parent" a lesbian who was the lifelong primary caretaker of her partner's child, who they had decided to have as a couple.

The Family Law News Blog pointed out some problems with the "step-parent rights" idea:

• You give someone rights, often that means taking away someone else's. The stepparent's rights would dilute those of the natural parents (in the model Bronson proposes, where the stepparent becomes a third or fourth parent).

• We already have an objective, conscious, consent-based mechanism people can use to make a stepparent into a full-fledged legal parent -- stepparent adoption. It is usually used only when one natural parent consents and/or has willingly gone for years without having any contact with the child. As Bronson points out, this is available, but it always subtracts a parent before adding one. He wants children to have three. Or more?

• Where can we draw the line, in a political environment that is so hostile to any line-drawing? Would the stepparent have to be married to a parent? Or to another stepparent formerly married to the natural parent? Does the non-custodial parent's spouse also qualify? If you can't draw a line at marriage, how will everyone involved know whether the relationship is serious enough that the stepparent has made like the Velveteen Rabbit and become real?

Source: Post by John Crouch at the The Family Law News Blog.

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LegalHelpOnline.org recently published the following article, "Relocating with Children - Moveaways" by Maury D. Beaulier, which contains an excellent discussion of "move away" cases (also known as "parental relocation" cases):

Our society has become increasingly mobile over the past several decades. In years past, it was not unusual for children to grow up, find jobs and marry in the same cities and states where they were born. However, now, with improved transit systems and international corporations, and even the internet with its dating services, it is not unusual for a person to move out of state even across the country based on employment changes, romance or simply to try a new environment. Such relocations can wreak havoc on family relationships where children are torn between two parents and two states, often having to deal with long distance relationships with their own parent.

As a result of our changing society, state legislatures have attempted to enact statues setting forth requirements that must be followed when one parent seeks to relocate with the minor children. State laws vary broadly regarding when a parent must provide notification or seek permission to relocate. Generally, minor geographic changes are not considered significant. However, just what is considered minor may be a subject of dispute. In some states a relocation out of the county is significant. In other s it is a relocation of a specified number of miles (50 to 150) away from the other parent. In yet other states, it requires a relocation out of the State.

Since the laws vary broadly, it is extremely important for a parent seeking to relocate with children to know, understand and follow the detailed rules in their particular state. A failure to follow the rules can often result in a change in custody. State laws often spell out requirements which may include:

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Tags: Children
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Family Law Consulting has compiled a comprehensive survey of the standards and burdens of proof required in relocation cases for every state: Relocation of Custodial Parent: Standards and Burden of Proof (current as of October 2005).

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NPR recently published an excellent article which examined the difficulties that arise when a custodial parent decides to relocate. In most cases, there is no "good" solution to these problems, and everyone involved (parties, attorneys, and judges) often wrestles with these difficult issues. The article is "When an Ex Moves, Do the Kids Go, Too?" by Tovia Smith.

Source: Thanks to the post by Brian D. Bill at his San Diego Divorce Lawyer blog and the post by Gregg Herman of the The Family Law News Blog for finding this article.

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Are you familiar with Google Calendar? It's a free, web-based calendar that works great and is very easy to use. Grant Griffiths of the Kansas Family Law Blog recently suggested that divorced parents use this service to share their child's schedule.

Grant stated "with the online service, each parent would now have their child's schedule and why not include the visitation schedule on the same shared calendar. This would also eliminate the problem of one parent complaining about not knowing what is going on with school and summer activities."

You would probably be surprised to learn what a problem parents often have keeping each other informed of their child's activities. In fact, this "failure to communicate" often leads to litigation to correct the problem. With services like Google Calendar making the sharing of information so easy, parents will have a tougher time in the future for not sharing such information.

Source: Kansas Family Law Blog by Grant Griffiths.

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The Memphis, TN Daily News recently published an article, "Who's Your Daddy? It's Easier to Find Out Than You Think" by Andrew Ashby. This article contains a good discussion of modern DNA paternity testing, including the process and costs involved.

The article also references a company called TestExpress, which offers such tests for as little as $200 to $250 for a "non-legal test" to $525 for a test which includes a chain-of-custody form. This form is a legal document that shows when and where the sample was collected in case it's used for evidence at a hearing.

Source: Post by Stephen C. Knight at the Tennessee Divorce and Family Law Blog.

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More often than not, allowances don't tend to work, at least not in the way they were supposed too. One of the biggest problems being the child running out of money between payments, and pestering mom & dad for more. By following these 10 simple tips, you will hopefully be able to design an allowance system that actually works for your family.

1. Set down some guidelines at the beginning, as to what the allowance can & can't be spent on.
2. Pay the allowance in small notes/coins to help with easier saving & budgeting - eg. Give a $3 allowance as 3 x $1 coins.
3. Give them their money at the end of the weekend. This helps make it last during the week, if given at the end of the week it is likely to be all spent on the weekend.
4. Be clear with what expenses the child has to cover from their allowance.
5. Pay the allowance regularly.
6. Help your child maintain good financial records by using charts, calendars etc.
7. Try not to use the allowance as a reward for good behaviour or good grades.
8. Encourage your child to save some, donate some & spend some.
9. Don't bail them out each time they make a mistake with their money - they will never learn if you do!
10. Remember to increase their allowance as they get older, and their needs change.

Source: Kids Money Tips

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Did you know that today (April 25th) is Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting Awareness Day? You can visit www.parental-alienation-awareness.com for much more information on this syndrome. From their website:

Did You Know That... Parental Alienation is a form of Child Abuse?

Parental alienation involves the systematic brainwashing and manipulation of children with the sole purpose of destroying a loving and warm relationship they once shared with a parent.

Parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting deprives children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents. These selfish, vindictive and malicious actions by the alienating parent (the parent who is responsible for the manipulations and brainwashing) is considered a form of child abuse - as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety.

Most people do not know about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting until they experience it. Parental Alienation Awareness Day is put forth to help raise awareness about this growing problem of mental and emotional child abuse seen mostly in cases of divorce or separation.

Source: www.parental-alienation-awareness.com

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How can you identify a spoiled child? In his article, "Spoiled Kids Don't Need Therapy," Gregory Ramey lists the following signs of a spoiled child:

• Rarely shows appreciation or says "thank you."
• Doesn't seem satisfied with whatever she gets.
• Asks frequently for things and gets upset if she doesn't immediately get them.
• Doesn't have any family responsibilities.
• Frequently complains about being treated unfairly.
• Rarely offers to help someone else.
• Expects others to accommodate her wants.
• Rarely compromises or shares with others.
• Has a "what's-in-it-for-me" attitude.

Mr. Ramey believes that spoiled children need firm parents who set loving limits and impose consequences for violating those limits. He wisely states that "sometimes being firm with children is the ultimate way to show your love and prepare them for the real world."

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Sound Money Tips recommends that parents teach their children the following seven lessons about money and finances:

1. Money can be exchanged for goods or services.
2. One should be careful with money.
3. Money has to be earned.
4. Encourage one-third savings, one-third donations, one-third spending.
5. Avoid borrowing money wherever possible.
6. Money isn't your best friend so don't let it control your life.
7. Show them how to budget & live within their means.

Source: "Tips For Teaching Kids About Money" posted at Sound Money Tips.

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I recommend the following article for your consideration:

When parents separate, they worry about the effect of their separation on the kids. Not only is there data to suggest that adults whose parents separated when they were children are at greater risk of divorce themselves, but also data that suggests the greater the parental conflict during separation, the greater the likelihood of negative outcomes for the children. The challenge for parents is determining their level of conflict and supporting their kids accordingly.

Parental conflict during separation can be categorized as low, medium and high.

• With low levels of conflict, parents are generally able to manage the separation process between themselves. These are parents who likely sit across from each other at the kitchen table and reasonably and rationally divide their assets and develop a plan between themselves for the ongoing care of the children. It doesn't quite matter what agreement they reach, the defining variable of low-level conflict is settling matters without outside support.

• Parents with medium levels of conflict find their behaviour degenerating when attempting to settle matters between themselves. Hence they require outside resources. The outside resources may include lawyers or a mediator and sometimes other friends, family or clergy. The defining variable of medium-level conflict is that parents are unable to settle without support, but given the support, they do settle.

• Parents with high levels of conflict are unable to settle matters between themselves whether unassisted or assisted. Hence the defining variable of high-level conflict is when parents turn to the Courts to determine their settlement. Even if parents settle as a result of a settlement conference at Court, that they are before the Courts defines their conflict as high.

Some parents believe they shelter or protect their kids from the separation conflict. The truth of the matter is, the greater the conflict, the greater the stress upon the parents. The greater the stress, the more likely their stress will be picked up and experienced by the children. Hence it is a misnomer that parents can shelter their kids from such conflict. So the issue is less if they are sheltering the kids, but rather how they are helping the children cope through a conflicted separation process.

While some parents believe it is best to say nothing to their children, in fact, it is often better to acknowledge the stressors and difficulties. This can be done without bad-mouthing either parent, but simply acknowledging they have yet to come to an agreement. Kids can be helped to understand that even though the parents are in distress, they both still love the children and are working to resolve matters as best they can. The children can be told that when the parents are unable to resolve matters between themselves, they turn to outside help. The parents can tell their children they are turning to wise persons to help them decide what may be best. Children will have had similar experiences with their peers. They have had times when they have been upset and when teachers have come to their aid to help settle matters. This is a positive example. Similarly then and by the parental role model, children can be encouraged to discuss their feelings and when necessary, turn to outside support such as may be offered by a group for children whose parents are separating. At the very least and in view of the parental role model, children may be more apt to talk with a teacher or counsellor if distressed. As the kids then better manage their feelings, they can better concentrate on school work and other childhood tasks.

Parents are advised to do all they can to keep their conflict to a minimum and find ways to resolve matters as amicably as possible between themselves. When negotiating, whether through lawyers or mediators, be careful not to hold on too tightly to a specific position. Flexibility may hold the key to a settlement and a smoother transition for their children.

Source: "How Do You Rate Your Separation" by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW published at www.yoursocialworker.com.

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In the absence of any written agreement stating otherwise, the custodial parent - that is, the parent with whom the child lives - normally takes the $3,200 dependency exemption when you file separately.

But if you're the noncustodial parent and you earned the most income it may make more financial sense for you to take the exemption. In that case, the custodial parent will need to sign a formal release giving you the exemption and you must attach that form to your tax return.

If such a release is granted, the custodial parent may not take the child tax credit on his or her return.

And if you think you can split the dependency exemption because your children live with each of you for half the year, think again. Only one parent can claim the exemption.

Lastly, unlike with alimony payments, child support payments are not deductible to the parent who makes them, nor is it treated as taxable income of the parent who receives them.

Source: "Recently split? Avoid costly tax mistakes" by Jeanne Sahadi posted at CNNMoney.com. Thanks to Grant D. Griffiths of the Kansas Family & Divorce Lawyer blog for finding this article.

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An upcoming book, Hugs to Heartbreak: A Parent's Journey Through Parental Alienation Syndrome discusses Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) from the perspectives of a severely alienated parent (Jeff Opperman) and a clinical psychologist (Dr. David Israel).

The book's introduction explains that PAS involves three crimes against the child:

1. The first crime is that the alienating parent doesn't acknowledge that every child is one-half of each parent. Every time the alienating parent tells the child how horrible the other parent is, the alienating parent is telling the child that half of him (or her) is horrible.

2. The second crime is that the alienating parent teaches the child that cutting off contact with people is an acceptable way to handle anger, hurt, and disappointment. The world is full of people. One day the child will be an adult. The child will grow up without the appropriate coping skills to have normal, healthy relationships with other adults.

3. The third crime is that one day the child will look back on the alienating parent's behavior from an adult perspective. He or she will then realize that the alienating parent robbed the child of something very precious - the love and attention of the other parent. The child-turned-adult will realize that the trust placed in the alienating parent was misplaced. He or she will feel betrayed. At that point the adult will not just have one damaged relationship with a parent, but damaged relationships with both parents.

Source: "The Three Crimes of PAS" posted at the Just Another Disenfranchised Father blog.

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The South Carolina Supreme Court recently issued its opinion in S.C. Dept. of Social Svcs. v. Seegars, in which it affirmed the Family Court's termination of Ms. Seegars' parental rights due to (a) willfully failing to provide support and (b) having a diagnosable condition unlikely to change within a reasonable time.

Under S.C. Code § 20-7-1572(4) the Family Court may order termination of parental rights if:

The child has lived outside the home of either parent for a period of six months, and during that time the parent has willfully failed to support the child. Failure to support means that the parent has failed to make a material contribution to the child's care. . . .The court may consider all relevant circumstances in determining whether or not the parent has willfully failed to support the child, including requests for support by the custodian and the ability of the parent to provide support.

Whether a parent's failure to support a child is "willful" within the meaning of the statute is a question of intent to be determined in each case from all the facts and circumstances. Conduct of the parent which evinces a settled purpose to forego parental duties may fairly be characterized as "willful" because it manifests a conscious indifference to the rights of the child to receive support and consortium from the parent. S.C. Dep't of Soc. Servs. v. Broome, 307 S.C. 48 (1992).

Ms. Seegars argued that she made material contributions in accordance with her means because she made two partial payments toward child support and the toys, gifts, and money she gave to the children are evidence of material contribution. However, the S.C. Code § 20-7-1572(4) defines "material contribution" as "either financial contributions according to the parent's means or contributions of food, clothing, shelter, or other necessities for the care of the child according to the parent's means." The Court found that toys are not included in this definition and would not be considered in concluding whether she made a material contribution to the children.

S.C. Code § 20-7-1572(6) also provides that the Family Court may order termination of parental rights if:

The parent has a diagnosable condition unlikely to change within a reasonable time including, but not limited to, alcohol or drug addiction, mental deficiency, mental illness, or extreme physical incapacity, and the condition makes the parent unlikely to provide minimally acceptable care of the child. S.C. Code Ann. § 20-7-1572(6).

In this case, the licensed clinical psychologist, who conducted a psychological evaluation of Ms. Seegars, diagnosed her with schizotypal personality disorder and alleged physical and sexual abuse. She concluded that Ms. Seegars "is not currently or likely ever capable of appropriately caring for her children, financially, emotionally, or intellectually." Therefore, the Court found that there was clear and convincing evidence that Ms. Seegars had a diagnosable condition which was unlikely to change within a reasonable time, and this condition made her unlikely to provide minimally acceptable care of the children.

The Court concluded that termination of Ms. Seegars' parental rights is in the best interests of Children. You can read this opinion, which contains a thorough discussion of these two grounds, here.

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To get an idea of what your child support obligation may be, you might want to visit one of the sites listed below. I say "may" be, because computing one's child support obligation is not simply a "fill in the blank" process -- or at least it shouldn't be treated as such.

If you do not know (a) what information is / is not included and (b) the accuracy of that information, then you are playing with fire. Having an experienced attorney assist you with child support calculations will ensure that they are done correctly the first time.

South Carolina: Dept. of Social Services - Child Support Calculator


Numerous States: SupportGuidelines.com - Child Support Calculators on the Web

Numerous States: AllLaw.com - Child Support Calculators

Thanks to Divorce and Child Custody: Free Information for Fathers for their post on this subject.

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In Humphrey v. Humphrey, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit clarified that a parent's petition under the International Child Abduction Remedies Act (ICARA) seeking return of the his/her children only needs to establish the children's "habitual residence" by a preponderance of the evidence, and not beyond a reasonable doubt.

Mr. Humphrey filed a petition under the ICARA seeking the return of his children to the United Kingdom. He alleged that his wife violated the Hague Convention on Civil Aspects of Child Abduction by taking the couple's children to live in the United States. The District Court stated that Mr. Humphrey was required to prove "beyond a reasonable doubt" that the children were "habitually resident" in the United Kingdom at the time of their removal and concluded that Mr. Humphrey's evidence fell "short of showing that."

ICARA requires a petitioner seeking return of an abducted child to show "by a preponderance of the evidence" that "the child has been wrongfully removed or retained within the meaning of the Convention." 42 U.S.C. ? 11603(e)(1). The Hague Convention, in turn, requires a petitioner to demonstrate that: (1) the children were "habitually resident" in petitioner's country of residence at the time of their removal; (2) the removal was in breach of petitioner's custody rights under the law of his home state; and (3) the petitioner had been exercising those rights at the time of removal. Miller v. Miller, 240 F.3d 392 (4th Cir. 2001).

Because Mr. Humphrey need only establish the children's habitual residence by a preponderance of the evidence, the Court of Appeals vacated the judgment of the District Court and remanded the case for further proceedings consistent with this opinion. You can download a *.pdf version of this decision here.

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Jeanne M. Hannah of the Updates in Michigan Family Law blog wrote the following analysis of this question:

Today, the New York Times published a news story about a father living in Arizona whose parental rights were terminated by a Florida court so that the child born to his former fiance could be adopted. Jeremiah Clayton Jones learned that about the pregnancy just three weeks prior to the child's birth when an adoption agency telephoned him to inquire whether he would consent to an adoption. He decided to raise the child that his former girlfriend did not wish to keep. He hired a lawyer and filed a paternity case in Florida where the mother lived on the day before the child was born. See Unwed Fathers Fight for Babies Placed for Adoption by Mothers, NY Times March 19, 2006.


Why did he lose the rights he tried so hard to protect? In Florida, as in about thirty states with state putative father registries, when a father doesn't register within a specific and usually short period of time, his rights may legally be terminated. In Florida, the registration must be before a petition for adoption is filed. Other states have deadlines that range from 5 days to 30 days after birth. Mr. Jones did not know about the registry.

For a putative father registry to work to protect a man's parental rights, he would have to know about the registry. In Florida, where the registry has been called "a well-kept secret," only 47 men registered in 2004 and there were 89,436 out-of-wedlock births. Also, a man would have to register for every sexual partner he has. How many men are going to do that?

Another problem with registries is that they operate state by state. Suppose a man and woman live together in Ohio, where the deadline for registering is 30 days after a child's birth, suppose that their relationship ends while she is pregnant, and suppose that the father registers with the putative father registry in Ohio. Now suppose that the mother moves to Utah, gives birth there, and surrenders the child to an adoption agency. The father hasn't registered in Utah, thus his parental rights are not protected by Utah's state registry.

To correct this latter problem, Senator Mary L. Landrieu, Democrat of Louisiana, will introduce in Congress later this year a bill called The Proud Father Act, which would create a national registry. [Note: South Carolina has no such registry as of yet.]

Related Articles:

• Preventing your infant from being adopted without your consent by Erik L. Smith
  
• National Directory of Putative Father Registries by Erik L. Smith [Registries for 23 states -- but not South Carolina]

See also earlier posts on this topic on the Updates in Michigan Family Law blog:

• What Rights Does an Unwed Biological Father Have When a Mother Wants to Give up a Child for Adoption? Posted August 6, 2005
  
• What are the Rights of a Biological Father if the Mother is Married to Another Man? Posted April 4, 2005

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Can a wife and husband enter into a contract providing for frozen embryos to be discarded in the event of their future divorce? If so, is such an agreement valid and enforceable? The Texas Court of Appeals issued a decision on February 9, 2006, in Roman v. Roman which it answers both questions "yes." This decision contains a thorough discussion of how this and similar issues have been decided in other jurisdictions, and you can read the entire decision here.

Source: Post at the New Jersey Family Law blog by Charles C. Abut, Esq.

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Unless you have actually had to deal with D.S.S. (the Department of Social Services), you have absolutely no idea how frustrating it can be. The gap between their stated purpose and what actually happens in some cases is absolutely appalling. I know this because I am regularly retained to represent parents whose children have been wrongfully removed or are being wrongfully withheld from them by D.S.S.

A case decided earlier this week by the S.C. Court of Appeals gives a glimpse into what parents can sometimes experience when dealing with D.S.S. The following statements are taken directly from this Order, and they are quite critical of D.S.S.:

• "In this case, the record demonstrates the Department's blatant indifference to Father's plight."

• "... it appears the Department conducted the case as if Father did not exist."

• "The Department did not recommend a treatment plan for Father even though, by Department caseworker Christopher's own admission, one could have been recommended."

• "Again, the Department did not contact Father, even though he risked losing his parental rights to Child."

• "For reasons even the Department was unable to explain ... ."

• "... it took the Department over three years to make contact with Father, and even then, the communication occurred only because Father contacted the Department as a result of his extraordinary efforts to locate Child ... ."

In Charleston County DSS v. Jackson, the Court of Appeals reversed the Family Court and refused to terminate the father's parental rights. This case contains a good discussion of the grounds under which a parent's can be terminated and those under which it can't (or shouldn't). You can read this opinion here.

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I am pleased to republish the following article from the Ottawa Divorce Blog for your information:

One of the most difficult things to deal with in family law is when one parent denies access to the other. This normally occurs in one of two ways:

1. simply not dropping off the children for access or not being around when the other parent arrives to pick up the children for access; and
   
2. "overholding" the children - i.e. returning the children late, sometimes by an entire night. I find that it's particularly problematic around holidays and also where parents live in different cities.

From a legal point of view, the options for dealing with this are unfortunately limited:

1. Usually your lawyer can't do anything immediately as access changeovers often occur on or near weekends. Even if your lawyer manages to reach the other parent's lawyer, chances are the other parent is not just denying access, but also avoiding their lawyer's telephone calls.
   
2. The police generally won't help you. Normally their excuse will be that your agreement or court order isn't specific enough. For instance, if you have access every second weekend, it won't be clear whether this is your access weekend or not. But even if your agreement or court order is specific, it is rare that the police will want to get involved. They'll probably tell you to speak with your lawyer.

It's extremely frustrating to have time and plans with your children ruined without any notice. So, what can you do? Here are my suggestions:

1. Keep your cool. If this is the first time this has happened, there may well be legitimate reasons why the other parent is delayed.
2. If you have a chance, go to court on an urgent basis to get an order directing the police to enforce the visitation order. This is a good option for a longer access period - say, if the children were to spend their spring break with you.
3. Keep trying to pick up your children. If you're supposed to be spending a specific time period with your children, there's nothing wrong with going to the other parent's home many times to try to pick up your children. Even if the other parent is the one who is supposed to drop the children off at your home, it may make sense for you to try to pick up your children.
4. Document everything. A stern letter should immediately be sent to the other parent or their lawyer. My experience is that these letters normally are not answered, so you should chase this up. The point of this is to create a paper trail so that in the future you can show (if you need to) the other parent's pattern of access denial.
5. Demand make up time. Depending on the situation, this may or may not be feasible. Make up time is probably what's best for the children anyhow.
6. If a parent is persistently late returning the children, go to court to get the changeover time modified to an earlier time. Also, consider picking up the children yourself rather than relying on the other parent.
7. If your case hasn't been resolved yet (i.e. you only have a temporary or interim order for access), use the denials of access to build a case as to why you should get sole custody. One factor courts consider in awarding custody is the willingness of each parent to facilitate access to the child by the other parent.
8. The last resort for dealing with persistent denial of access is by bringing a motion for contempt of court. As I discuss, there are a lot of difficulties in proceeding this way, but if the other parent is persistent in denying access you really have no choice. The keyword is persistent: it generally not worth going to court about an occasional missed access period.

Source: "8 Tips for Dealing with Denial of Access" by Jeffrey Behrendt published at the Ottawa Divorce Blog.

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Today, I reprint the following post from my friend and fellow blogger, Michael Sherman, because he hits the nail squarely and firmly on its head:

If you have read this blog for any length of time, then you know that one of the issues that drove me to and sustains me in practicing family law is my desire to reduce the pain of divorce on children. Often the parents get so caught up in the emotion of the divorce, they overlook the effect that their behavior is having on their children.

In this article in the Kansas City Star, Gary Kretchmer, director of domestic relations division in Johnson County Missouri, outlines the worst things and the best things that divorcing parents can do to a child. His advice and experience echoes mine, and I commend it to any parent that is going through a divorce. Keep it in mind and your children will benefit greatly. Ignore it and they will suffer the consequences.

Worst things a divorcing parent can do to a child:


• Criticize the other parent.
  
• Make the child feel guilty for loving the other parent.
  
• Use the child to spy on the other parent.
  
• Ask the child to serve as a messenger to the other parent.

Best things a divorcing parent can do for a child:

• Respect the other parent.
• Use a cooperative rather than competitive spirit with the other parent.
• Try to rebuild at least a level of trust.
• Work on communicating well.

Source: Advice for Divorcing Parents published by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog.

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I have previously posted about the "helicopter parent" phenomenon. The Dallas Morning News published an article several months ago to help parents balance (a) becoming overly involved and hindering their child and (b) not being involved enough and harming their child. You can read the article for more details, but the basic do's and don't's are listed below:

What you should do to avoid being a "helicopter parent":

1. Communicate weekly with the teacher when your child is in elementary school.
   
2. Try to fill a need that the teacher has mentioned.
   
3. Help out in low-key ways.
   
4. Give your child a strategy to deal with separation anxiety.
   
5. Plan ahead as much as possible.
   
6. Volunteer in ways that don't stress you out.
   
7. Make sure your child goes to school with enough sleep, breakfast and supplies.
   
8. Expect the very best.

What you shouldn't do:

1. Don't take on your child's school projects.
   
2. Don't be so overbearing that your kids start acting out or become withdrawn.
   
3. Don't badmouth the teacher or school in front of your child.
   
4. Don't barrage teachers with phone calls.
   
5. Don't show up every day.

Source: "8 Ways to Avoid 'Helicopter Parenting'" by Erin Wade

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A few months ago, I first became aware of the term "helicopter parents," and I have been wanting write about it ever since. Well, today is finally the day. The best definition I could find for this term was in an article in Psychology Today, which said "they're called helicopter parents because they hover over their children and make a lot of noise rescuing them whenever difficulty arises."

Although this term may be somewhat new, they have been around forever and we've all seen them. Mothers of beauty pageant contestants prodding their little queens to walk just so and keep that smile perfect. Sporting dads pushing their sons to be the next Barry Bonds or Kobe Bryant. However, it seems that these characters have become more prevalent and much pushier, and the children over which they hover are no longer restricted to youngsters.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer published an article a few weeks ago which addressed the helicopter parent phenomenon with regard to younger children. Mel Levine, a professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina Medical School in Chapel Hill and author of "Ready or Not, Here Comes Life", told the author of that article that children today are being coddled and protected so much that it threatens their ability later in life to strike off on their own, form healthy relationships, and learn proper job skills. Levine says that these parents are "trying to create a really terrific statue of a child rather than a child" and that the children "may well shatter."

Psychology Today and ABC News have both featured stories of parents hovering over their children in college!!! The ABC article discusses a single mom who home schooled her two sons and maintains hour-by-hour involvement in their 18 and 21 year old college lives. "When she's not on her cell phone with one of the boys, she's organizing their lives. She spends an hour drafting to-do e-mails for her sons, checking their grades, their bank account balances and even using their personal passwords to check their student e-mail. [She] works tirelessly to keep everything in her sons' lives in order -- from doing their laundry to organizing their schedules to proofreading their papers." The worst part of all is that her sons both say they're grateful for their mother's efforts on their behalf.

Certainly younger children have less ability to tell their parents to back off, but how in the world can college students allow this to happen? Has our society gotten that lazy that college students will give up their autonomy in exchange for having mommy or daddy take care of all their needs and wants? I plan to keep an eye on this topic, and a future post will address ways to prevent becoming a "helicopter parent" yourself.

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When a child is so physically or mentally disabled that the child cannot support himself or herself, the parent's duty to support the child continues beyond the child reaching the age of majority. Riggs v. Riggs, 353 S.C. 230 (2003). When the disability prevents the child from becoming emancipated, the presumption of emancipation upon reaching the age of majority is inapplicable. Parker v. Parker, 230 S.C. 28 (1956).

In Riggs, the Court held that a parent's support obligation continued past the age of majority even when the disability was not diagnosed until after the child reached age eighteen. The child in Riggs was diagnosed with Leigh's Syndrome after reaching eighteen. As a result of the degenerative condition, the child was not able to function above the level of a ten-year-old and had mobility problems. The Court held that even though the child had reached the age of majority, the disability prevented the child from being emancipated.

The above discussion and analysis are taken largely from another recent South Carolina Supreme Court case, Smith v. Doe, which I discussed here on my blog earlier this week.

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Is there a statute of limitations for an action to determine paternity? While some states have such limitations, the South Carolina Supreme Court found in Smith v. Doe that there is no statute of limitations that is applicable for an action to determine paternity. Specifically, the Court found that the legislature did not intend to impose a statute of limitations on paternity actions because it did not specifically include one in the statutory scheme. This decision can be found here.

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Earlier this week, I posted an entry analyzing the issue of children's preferences in custody cases in South Carolina. Jeanne Hannah of the Updates in Michigan Family Law blog yesterday discussed this same issue from a Michigan perspective. Read her interesting post here.

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Rarely does a week go by in which I am not asked the following question: How old does a child have to be before he can choose which parent he/she wants to live with? Put another way, what is the "magic age" in South Carolina when children are able to make a decision in custody cases?

Fortunately, there is no such "magic age" in South Carolina. In our state, the Family Court must consider the preference of every child, no matter how young or how old. Of course, the Court is also required to place the appropriate weight on the child's reasons for having such a preference. This second step is equally important (if not more so) than the first one. The applicable statute on this issue is

S.C. Code Section 20-7-1515. Child's preference for custody to be considered.

In determining the best interests of the child, the court must consider the child's reasonable preference for custody. The court shall place weight upon the preference based upon the child's age, experience, maturity, judgment, and ability to express a preference.

Should there be a designate age at which children may make this decision? I believe that the answer clearly is "no." Why? Some of the reasons for my opinion are listed below:

• Most children are simply not mature enough to consider all of the implications of a custody determination. Children love both of their parents, and if being candid, they would tell you that they want to live with both of their parents and not one vs. the other. To them, anything less can simply be unacceptable.

• Most children prefer to live in the least restrictive environment, and this is especially true with teenagers. If you were a fifteen year old, which of the following parents would you pick: Parent A who lets you come and go as you please, stay out until all hours of the night, not do chores around the house, and not put the proper emphasis on schoolwork, or Parent B who has strict rules with regard to all of those issues? Which of those households is more likely to help that child grow into a successful adult?

• Children are subject to improper influence by their parents or others. Unfortunately, a parent who is desperate to "win" a custody case will attempt to bribe a child to choose him/her over the other parent. What young child would not be enticed (at least somewhat) by the lure of a shiny new video game system, motorcycle, or dance lessons? What if grandma or grandpa offers those items to the child if he "picks" a certain parent?

• Children do not want to upset their parents. In fact, it is not uncommon for children of conflicted divorces to begin to take on some parental responsibilities toward their parents. Could this desire not to hurt a parent's feelings or disappoint him/her lead a child to make a choice on that basis? Is that really in the child's best interest?

• Family Court judges will tell you that custody decisions are among the toughest decisions they must make. Why should we believe that a 10, 12, or 15 year old child should be able to address such a difficult issue? A child should never be put in that position or allowed to make such a difficult, often agonizing, decision.
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The South Carolina Supreme Court recently had the opportunity to address the level of participation that a non-relative may have in an child abuse / neglect case. In Morris v. Monceaux, the Court noted that while a non-relative may not stand on precisely the same footing as a parent or close relative, it is apparent that the Legislature contemplated that such persons may often play a crucial and important role in the life and well-being of a child, particularly when parents or relatives turn away from the child. Accordingly, the Court found that a non-relative who has a real, material, or substantial interest in the long-term custody and potential adoption of a child has standing to participate in a Family Court proceeding addressing those issues. This standing is not diminished by the non-relative's failure to comply with a treatment and placement plan.

In permanency planning hearings, the Family Court is required by S.C. Code § 20-7-766(C) to find compelling reasons for approval of a permanency plan which does not involve reunification of the child with the parent or custody or guardianship with a fit and willing relative. It is error, in the face of a request by a party for an evidentiary hearing, for the Family Court to issue a permanency planning order based on an examination of the file and pleadings, the arguments of counsel, and the GAL's report, but without considering testimony and evidence at a hearing where witnesses are subject to direct and cross-examination. The full text of this opinion is available HERE.

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A recently decided case, Upchurch v. Upchurch, includes a thorough discussion by our Supreme Court of the principles included in establishing and modifying child support in South Carolina.

The key points addressed were:

• Generally, a petition is treated as an action to establish child support if the issue was not addressed previously in the separation agreement or the divorce decree. When child support has been addressed in a prior Order, the petition is considered one for modification.

• It is possible for the issue of child support to be held in abeyance in a divorce decree or incorporated separation agreement. However, notwithstanding any provisions of a separation agreement, the family court retains jurisdiction to do whatever is in the best interest of the children.

• The Family Court may always modify child support upon a proper showing of a change in either the child's needs or the supporting parent's financial ability. The party seeking the modification has the burden to show changed circumstances. In cases where the child support award is based on a settlement agreement, this burden is increased.

• Changes that were within contemplation of the parties at the time the child support was initially determined are not sufficient upon which to base the modification of a child support award.

• General testimony regarding increased expenses, without specific evidentiary support, is an insufficient showing of changed circumstances.

The full text of this case may be read HERE. A discussion of the other aspects of this decision may be found in this post at the South Carolina Appellate Law Blog published by William J. Watkins, Jr. Mr. Watkins' blog is the third legal blog in South Carolina and is well worth tracking.

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Circuit Court Judge Thomas Cooper ruled last week that South Carolina's system of funding early childhood education does not provide students in certain school districts with the opportunity to receive a minimally adequate education. Judge Cooper found a correlation between lack of funding to children at an early age and poor performance later in an academic career. Meetings have been held between S.C. Superintendent of Education, Inez Tenenbaum, lawmakers, members of Governor Mark Sanford's staff, representatives from First Steps, and private childcare providers to discuss how to provide full-day kindergarten for the estimated 28,000 four year olds in S.C. considered at risk for academic failure. A copy of Judge Cooper's Order is available here, and you can read more about this important decision and its potential impact in the articles in the Herald-Journal (Spartanburg, SC), The State (Columbia, SC), Washington Post, WLTX-TV (Columbia, SC), and Herald-Tribune (Sarasota, FL).

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Did you know that 4.7 million people in the United States are bitten by dogs? 80% of them are bitten by canines they know and interact with regularly, and it's estimated that more than half of those victims are under the age of 13. In fact, children are at least three times more likely than adults to sustain a serious dog-bite. However, children can interact safely with dogs by using caution.

I own a three year old German Shepherd, who is a trained protection dog. Ingo can take down the largest of men if need be, even if they are armed. However, he is gentle as a lamb with my children, and they play safely with him all the time. The key is educating children what to do (and what not to do) around dogs. The The Humane Society of the United States published an excellent article on this topic, Teaching Your Child to Avoid Dog Bites, which included the following

Simple Steps for Relating to Dogs

Even the friendliest dogs can be uncomfortable with a child's quick movements and loud tone of voice. Children tend to get excited around dogs, approaching quickly, talking loudly, sometimes even hugging. Any one of these actions can easily result in a bite. So what's a child to do? In a nutshell: Speak quietly and move slowly around dogs, and follow these simple rules:

• Before petting someone's dog, ask the person's permission. If it's okay, approach slowly and quietly. Let the dog sniff you first, then pet the dog's sides or back gently.

• Never sneak up on or pet a dog who is eating or sleeping. Animals may bite when they're startled or frightened.

• Never pet a dog who is playing with a toy. Dogs are often protective of toys, and may think a child is trying to take it.

• Never try to pet a dog who is in a car. Dogs will often protect that space.

• Never pet a dog who is behind a fence. Most dogs naturally protect their property and home.

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The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) has issued Revenue Procedure 2005-31 (Rev. Proc. 2005-31) which addresses a number of issues, including determining the finality of an adoption of a foreign-born child for federal income tax purposes, and the treatment of re-adoption expenses. The FamilyLawTaxation blog has an excellent, in-depth discussion of this issue, which can be read by clicking here.

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America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2005 is report published biannually by the Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics. This report describes the changing population, family, and environmental context in which children are living, and it depicts the well-being of children in the areas of economic security, health, behavior and social environment, and education. Important findings from this report include:

• In 2003, there were 73 million children ages 0-17 in the United States, or 25 percent of the population, down from a peak of 36 percent at the end of the baby boom (1964). Children are projected to compose 24 percent of the total population in 2020.

• The racial and ethnic diversity of America's children continues to increase over time. In 2003, 60 percent of U.S. children were White-alone, non-Hispanic, 16 percent Black-alone, and 4 percent were Asian-alone. The proportion of Hispanic children has increased faster than that of any other racial and ethnic group, growing from 9 percent of the child population in 1980 to 19 percent in 2003.

• In 2004, 68 percent of children ages 0-17 lived with two married parents, down from 77 percent in 1980. After decreasing from 1980 to 1994, the percentage has remained stable at about 68-69 percent from 1994 to 2004.

• Between 1980 and 1994, the rate of childbearing by unmarried women rose sharply for women of all ages. For all age groups combined, this trend ended in 1994. Birth rates for unmarried teenagers have dropped considerably since 1994, while increases in rates for women in the twenties and older have slowed. In 2003, the overall birth rate was 45 births per 1,000 unmarried women ages 15-44.

• In 2003, 62 percent of children ages 0-17 lived in counties in which one or more of the Primary National Ambient Air Quality Standards were exceeded, and improvement from 69 percent in 1999.

Source: Family Law Prof Blog

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Dr. Phil McGraw appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman last week. In a serious exchange, Dave asked Dr. Phil his thoughts on children who do not grow up in two parent homes. Dr. Phil said most kids would rather be from a broken home rather than live in one. Something to think about ... not the normal light banter you typically hear on late night television.

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Parents can ruin the fun and excitement of the holiday season for their children by fighting with each other over how their child will spend the holidays. Michael J. Carbo, a Ft. Lauderdale, Florida attorney and certified family law mediator says "There is no better gift than to have both parents call a temporary truce for the holidays. There is no question that one of the best gifts you can give your child is to resolve these highly emotional issues in advance." Mr. Carbo offers the following practical advice for divorced or separated parents:

• If you can't agree on a holiday schedule, at least agree to discuss your disagreements. A compromise solution may be closer than you think.

• Allow your child to spend time with each parent on the actual holiday, if possible.

• Divide the year-end school break in roughly equal halves. Or, if one parent has travel plans for the holidays, perhaps an "every-other-year" custody arrangement would be suitable.

• Consider giving a joint gift from both parents to show your child that he or she always comes first.

• Don't lock in your holiday plans before discussing them with the other parent. A little flexibility goes a long way to resolving problems.

• If you can't resolve your custody issues, consider professional mediation. Usually, it's best for the parents to come without their child.

You can find out more about Mr. Carbo in this press release.

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For many parents, the reality of having to share your children's time during the holidays with your ex-spouse may always be awkward and uncomfortable. However, Rachel Bryant, a licensed psychologist in private practice in New York, published an article this week in The Star-Gazette (Elmira, NY), in which she suggests the following steps to help those parents deal with such feelings:

• Don't forget that your relationship with your children will always be more important to them than where they spent the 25th of December in 2005. Long after the holidays are over, it is the loving bond between parents and their children that sustain them and provide a model for the kind of parent that they will one day want to be.

• Your children may be very upset about where they will be for part or all of the holiday. It can be hard not to use their feelings to validate and fuel your own. Sometimes, ex-spouses do intentionally ruin plans for a family's Christmas out of anger or spite. But children need to be protected from this conflict as it only adds to their own confusion, sense of loss, and hurt.

• Although it may be tempting, try to avoid saying things like, "It's your father's (or mother's) fault we can't do things like we always do." Empower yourself and your children with statements like, "I know, this would not be my first choice either. But let's see how we can make this the best holiday it can be."

• Focus on what you can do, rather than what outside interference has taken away. What do you want your children to take away from this season? Is it the family time together, the joy of opening presents Christmas morning, or the spiritual message of the season that is important to give your children this time of year. All three of these can be accomplished regardless of visitation schedules. Again, it may not be your first choice, but if the message vs. having it your way is the priority for your children, than all can still be accomplished.

• In today's divorce-torn world, even Santa has come to the rescue, making a second trip for children he knows will have to divide their holiday. And many a parent can attest that just as a child can believe in the magic of Santa coming once, so too can he believe in the magic of Santa coming twice. It's o.k. to tell your child that Santa will leave some presents at Daddy's house on this date, and some at Mommy's house on another date, because he knows that you will be both places this year.

• As for spending time together, use the time you have to make holiday moments with your children. Kids' memories of what Mom or Dad did for the holidays are not bound by a date. Special decorations, traditional songs, shopping sprees, family recipes, or new traditions are still all yours for the making.

• As for the spiritual message of the season, that is something to be taught all year round, and is anticipated in the several weeks before. Use all of this time to instill your particular faith and hope in your children through books, conversations, movies and services. Even though the 25th (which is also the first day of Hanukkah) may be in dispute, no one can monopolize the message of the season.

• Take special care of yourself this season. While we all can get exhausted with work, family, holiday demands, etc., the parent who is struggling with the painful reality of family separation has an immeasurable additional burden. One of the best ways you can help your kids to get through this change, even if it is not the first year, is to let them see you take care of yourself. Use your family, friends, prayer, hobbies, therapy, exercise, work, a massage, a manicure, or all of the above, to bring yourself moments of comfort, sustenance, and peace. You have a right to your deep feelings and reactions to what has happened, and you need to take care of them. And remember, it is ultimately your love, and with that love your lessons for your children, that they will take with them forever.

Source: "Sharing the Kids Can be Painful This Time of Year" by Rachel Bryant.

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When parents divorce, their Divorce Decrees usually contain specific visitation provisions which spell out when each parent has the children during the holidays. Some parents insist on strict adherence to this schedule, while others are flexible and "go with the flow." Dr. Ruth Peters recently wrote an article in which she lists the following suggestions (from both herself and Isolina Ricci, author of Mom's House, Dad's House) to help divorced parents with regard to holiday planning:

• Try to plan your holiday times well ahead. If you haven't made plans yet, do it now!

• Try to be flexible if it really doesn't harm your own holiday plans, and if the kids voice a desire to visit with both sides of the family. If the ex-spouses can co-parent cooperatively, they may be able to give their children the best gift of all -- spending time with each parent.

• Consider your hopes for this holiday season -- the times with the children, the times without the children. Have several versions, all acceptable to you. Be very specific when making plans. Which parent will have the children, which day? For how long? Who will do the transporting?

• Present these alternatives to the other parent. (If you don't communicate well in person or on the telephone, use the mail or email.) Give the other parent time to think about your proposals and to respond.

• If you talk in person or by phone, follow up your understanding of the conversation with a brief and informal note of confirmation. When emotionally laden post-divorce holidays tangle with practical matters such as dates, plans, expenses and responsibilities, written confirmation is essential.

• Be careful and cautious if considering having Mom, Dad and the kids all under one roof just like old times for Christmas, as this often sends the wrong message to the kids. Pretending that you are reunited again for the children often becomes too painful for the adults and inappropriate for children, who harbor hopes for a reconciliation (which most children do).

• If your children are old enough to participate in the planning stages, by all means make them part of your discussions and give them a voice in the decision about holiday visitation. However, the final responsibility for holiday decisions should remain with the adults, as expecting children to make heavy decisions does not produce happy holidays.

Source: "Give Peace to Your Family This Holiday Season" by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D.

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Dr. Ruth Peters writes in a recent article, "the holidays are about family, love and some presents -- it shouldn't be a materialistic free-for-all." Unfortunately, in separated or divorced families, the focus is all too often misplaced onto the gifts. Dr. Peters recommends that such families consider and coordinate the gift-giving, and she stresses that cooperation is the key.

Jennifer Lewis, M.D. and William Sammons, M.D. suggested some general gift-giving guidelines in their book, Don't Divorce Your Children:

• Children pay a cost that is too high to bear when gifts replace parental time and attention.

• If your children prefer your gifts to your time, then the relationship is in big trouble.

• Minutes mean more than dollars. "We don't have enough time together," is said just as often by kids as by adults.

• If you leave the price tag on or you make a point of what the gift cost, it's not really a gift -- it's a notice of debt or obligation.

• Gifts are fine, but a definite luxury when finances are tight for either parent. Don't put your child in a bind by having a gift cost a support payment or somehow seriously hurt the financial status of the other parent.

• If you spend money on the kids and expect an emotional payback proportional to the dollars invested, spare the children your disappointment if their reactions don't fulfill your expectations.

• If you have more than one child, the gifts need to be comparable in value to each child. That does not mean they have to cost the same. But if one child's "price tag" is always greater than the other's, the message of favoritism may be sent.

• Don't spoil the holidays by competing with the other parent or putting the other parent in a position of resenting your gift. Such acts ruin the celebrations for the children. If you are escalating into one-upmanship, call a truce before the losses get to be too great.

Source: "Give Peace to Your Family This Holiday Season" by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D.

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Just because parents cannot get along with each other doesn't mean that they shouldn't work together for the benefit of their children. Here are some tips to help such parents make the holidays brighter for their children:

• Don't tell children on the first day of Christmas or any other holiday that you're divorcing. From that day forward, the holiday will be marked with what will be a haunting memory.

• Children don't need to be on a flight late Christmas Eve flying to visit a parent in another state. Ideally, children need to be settled before big events.

• Communicate with the former spouse about gifts so children won't get two iPods or two of anything they don't need two of.

• Children almost always want parents together, especially around the holidays. When there is a divorce, remember the child may be grieving, no matter his age. Even kids coming home from college at Christmas still want that warm family portrait.

• If Dad stays over on Christmas Eve just so he will be there when the children wake up the next morning, remember that the children may think Santa Claus has granted them their wish for Mom and Dad to get back together. There will be another disappointment when the children find out that a reunion isn't in the parents' plans at all.

• Act like a guest in the former spouse's house: Keep the visit short, admire the tree and look at the gifts the children received. Leave shortly thereafter.

• Never forget that divorce is always a loss, whether it's a good loss or a bad loss.

• Most children have huge expectations around Christmas, but a parent should recognize that the gifts are often overshadowed by the absence of a divorced parent they might see only during the summer.

• If folks have recently embarked on a separation or divorce, they need to be thoughtful of taking care of themselves. TV programs around holidays are often about family and togetherness. A parent might be advised to avoid them if they're upsetting. A parent might want to take a walk to a coffeehouse instead. To hold the holidays together for the children, a parent has to have the energy to be the glue.

• Not only during the holidays but also before and after them, keep the children out of the crossfire of divorce.

• Remember the child always loves the absent parent regardless of how bad things were before the divorce. The other parent should allow the child to express that love.

• Parents, divorced or not, should always behave in a positive manner because their children are watching them. How a parent treats another parent is how a child learns how to treat others.

• Divorced parents might want to create new traditions for their children during the holidays.

• Though divorce around the holidays can be overwhelmingly sad for children, remember that divorce is no cakewalk in January, February, March or any other time of year.

Source: Divorced Couples Need to Handle Holidays With Care for the Sake of the Children published in The Daily Record (Parsippany, NJ). Thanks to The Family Scholars Blog for their post about this article.

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In South Carolina, the Department of Social Services (DSS) is the agency charged with child protective services in cases where there are allegations of abuse or neglect. I handle a great many cases against DSS, in which my clients claim have been wrongfully accused of misconduct or in which their child was wrongfully removed from their home.

Dealing with DSS can be frustrating in many respects, but one of the more frustrating things I encounter is when DSS caseworkers handle factually similar cases in completely different manners. Apparently, this phenomenon is not unique to South Carolina, as evidenced by an article published last week in the Star Tribune (Minneapolis - St. Paul, MN): Child Protection: Two Families, Two Different Outcomes.

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The following article was published last month in The Charlotte Observer. It may be a difficult read for some, as it suggests that we consider the possibility that our own actions may be at least partially to blame for our poor relationships with our former spouses.

Dear Amy: I ended my marriage of nine years last year. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I have a wonderful 6-year-old son. He has adjusted pretty well, better than his father. His father continues to be angry. He feels I have robbed his life. He let me buy our home (probably because he needed the money). But everything about our son is a battle.

He won't let me take our son to a child psychologist to make sure he is adjusting well. He won't make any adjustments to our ludicrous custody schedule (one week with each parent). He won't see a family mediator, even though we agreed to that in our settlement agreement. He uses our son to get back at me, but I can't respond in kind because I don't want to do that to our son. What are your magic words for me?

Amy's Response: Go back and reread your letter. In it, everything having to do with your husband is negative. You paint him as an angry loser. I point this out because you have a part to play in this. Everything you do and say rains down on your dear boy. I don't know if your custody schedule is "ludicrous" (it doesn't sound like it to me), but you agreed to it. Your separation agreement is legally binding, and you need to make the best of it, for your son's sake.

I'm sure you'd like to think your son is adjusting well, but I simply don't believe it, mainly because he's 6 and his parents are living apart, shuttling him back and forth, and battling over everything. If you think he should be seen by a psychologist (I do), then take him. Your ex also needs help, and I hope you (or a family court judge) can get him to attend mediation meetings with you. A mediator will coach you to work out these important details respectfully.

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For many adults, dealing with family during the holidays can be stressful. Dealing with more than one family can make it even more so. For children growing up in separated or divorced families, the holidays can be downright difficult, especially if their parents aren't acting like adults. The Bozeman Daily Chronicle recently published an article, Holidays Tough on Children in Separated Families, which included the following tips to make the holidays as painless as possible for such children:

• Settle things in advance if at all possible, in order to avoid last-minute disappointments and anxiety.

• Exchange the child at a reasonable hour if you are splitting the holiday. (Midnight on Christmas Eve is not a reasonable hour.)

• Consider a mediator If you and your ex-spouse cannot agree on any of these issues.

• When negotiating, realize that neither side gets everything he or she wants. Compromise is key and whatever you do, don't "use your kids as trophies."

• Consider setting up an alternative holiday a few days before or after Christmas. What child would not enjoying having two celebrations?

• Encourage your child to call the other parent during the holiday, and make sure you leave the room and give him or her some privacy when the call takes place.

• Never badmouth your ex when the child is within earshot. Kids see themselves as half mom and half dad. Criticism of a parent breaks down their self esteem. Plus, many kids think they have to fix their parents' emotions.

• Don't grill the kids about what happened at your ex's house. Let them volunteer information if they want to.

• Watch out for manipulation by the kids trying to "milk" the holiday, especially as they grow older. That's another reason why it's important to communicate directly with your ex.

• With older children, be sure to ask for their input. Ask them what their ideal Christmas would be, then work out what is possible. The adults need to make the decisions, but the kids need to feel like they've got a voice.

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The Arkansas Supreme Court recently addressed the issue of what happens when a non-parent attempts to bring an action for paternity and child support against a purported father after the biological mother dies. In Watt v. Office of Child Support Enforcement, the Court found that when the mother is deceased only corroborating testimony concerning the conception, birth, and history of the child is required in order to state a prima facie case of paternity (which then leads to genetic testing).

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I came across an article today in the Lamar Daily News which referenced a group I had never heard of -- Bikers Against Child Abuse. My curiosity was piqued, and I decided to do a little research on this group. What I found reiterates that you can never judge a book by its cover, and in this case, you never know who might step forward to aid a child. So here's what I found out:

• Bikers Against Child Abuse, Inc. (BACA) is a non-profit organization that exists to "provide aid, comfort, safety, and support for children that have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused."

• BACA's website states that its members are dedicated to the principle that one of the basic rights of childhood is to be safe and protected, and that they are willing to sacrifice any and all in order to protect and secure the children's basic right to a happy childhood.

• BACA was founded in 1995 by John Paul "Chief" Lilly, a licensed clinical social worker, registered play therapist/supervisor, and part-time faculty member at Brigham Young University. There are currently chapters in 22 states and also in Australia.

• In order to become a full-patched BACA member, a person must (a) have regular access to a motorcycle that will do the speed limit, (b) be 21 years old or older, (c) successfully pass an NCIC background check by not having any convictions for violent or abusive crimes against children, (d) attend monthly BACA meetings, rides, court hearings, other BACA events and ride with the BACA chapter for one year, and (e) be unanimously voted in by the governing Board of Directors.

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Can a Court consider religious practices and training when the practices alienate a child from one parent? The Alabama Supreme Court addressed this issue in Snider v. Mashburn and found that the trial court was not precluded from considering the effect on the child of parenting practices simply because those practices were based on religious beliefs.

In this case, the mother remarried and submitted herself to the religious views and control of her new husband, who moved the family from Alabama to rural Indiana. The mother and step-father acted in ways that the trial court found had alienated the children from not only their father but from both parent's extended family. The mother claimed that the change in custody was improper, as the actions she and the step-father had taken were grounded in their religious beliefs.

The Court could not agree on whether the trial court had placed improper restrictions on the mother's religious instruction during visitation. The majority found that the order "when read fairly and objectively" merely prohibited the mother from disparaging the father in religious teaching and thus did not infringe on her free exercise of religion. The dissent disagreed and stressed the important role of religious freedom in the upbringing of children.

You can read more detail and analysis about this interesting decision in the Birmingham News article, the Family Law Prof Blog, and Lee's Divorce and Family Law Blog.

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I came across an article in The Leader-Herald which discussed the desire of child support enforcement in Fulton County, New York to publish the names of people who owe past-due child support in the local media. It sounds as though the purpose of such a program would be to shame those people into paying their support.

No one can dispute that those who owe child support should certainly pay it and do so in a timely manner. However, some obligors experience legitimate extenuating circumstances which make it difficult (or sometimes impossible) to do so. For instance, what about the person who is unable to work for an extended period of time for medical reasons? Should his/her name be published in the local media alongside the "deadbeats" (those who are able to pay but refuse to do so)? If someone's name is published by mistake or without full knowledge of his/her situation, will a retraction be run to undo the damage done to that person's reputation by being mischaracterized as a deadbeat?

While this might seem like a good idea at first glance, after more thoughtful consideration of the application of such a program, I see no way to implement it while protecting the rights of those who may be potentially harmed. The funds spent on such a program could be better spend on increased personnel to track individual cases to make sure that those who are able to pay do so or face the consequences.

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Should the Court be able to consider a parent's immigration status when deciding child custody cases? The Nevada Supreme Court said "yes" in Rico v. Rodriguez, holding that a trial court has the discretion to consider a parent's immigration status and its derivative effects as a factor in determining custody.

As in most states, Nevada's standard for making custody determinations is the best interest of the child. In Rico, the Supreme Court found that the trial court did not abuse its discretion in considering Ms. Rico's immigration status as a factor in awarding Mr. Rodriguez custody pursuant to the best interests of the children.

In this case, Ms. Rico argued that the trial court violated her due process and equal protection rights when it used her immigration status in making the child custody determination. The Supreme Court's decision contains an in-depth discussion of those two aspects along with its reasoning in rejecting those arguments.

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Does a non-custodial parent have the right to get a copy of his/her child's school records? The answer is unquestionably yes -- under both state and federal law. Unfortunately, not all schools seem to know (or be willing to acknowledge) these important statutes, and many regularly

South Carolina Code

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In advance of this Friday's designation as the "biggest shopping day of the year," I have listed below two important links from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission that parents can check for product recalls:

Toys
Child Products (not including toys)
Sports & Recreation Products

Please check these sites often, as they are updated frequently, to make sure that your children are protected and safe.

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When a child is born, the hospital generally allows the mother to choose the child's name. In cases where the child is born out of wedlock, the mother is almost always allowed to do so. So what happens when the father doesn't agree with the mother's choice and wants the child to have a different name?

Well, the father can petition the Court to address this issue, but such cases have generally been thought of as an action for a "name change." In such cases, the burden of proof was on the father to prove that the name change was in the child's best interest. However, I now believe that it may be incorrect to look at this issue in that manner.

In a case decided earlier this month, the Iowa Court of Appeals recently pointed out the distinction between a "request for a name change" and a "challenge to the initial determination of a surname." In its very insightful opinion, the Court pointed out

When a parent unilaterally chooses a child's name, the other parent may request the court to examine the name issue--as "the mother does not have the absolute right to name the child because of custody due to birth. Consequently, [she] should gain no advantage from her unilateral act in naming the child." Therefore, when the court first entertains an action between the parents to determine their legal rights and relationships with each other and the child, the court may also consider the legitimacy of the child's original naming as part of its determination of the child's legal status and custody.

The full text of Montgomery v. Wells can be read here.
Thanks to Alexander R. Rhoads of the Iowa Family Law blog for his post on this decision.

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The South Carolina Supreme Court ruled earlier this week that there is no statute of limitations for an action to determine paternity. In Smith v. Doe, the Court disagreed with Ms. Smith's argument that a paternity action was barred by South Carolina's general statute of limitations. While acknowledging that some jurisdictions have placed a statute of limitations on such actions, the Court noted that the legislature did not intend to impose a statute of limitations on paternity actions because it did not specifically include one in the statutory scheme. The full text of this opinion is available here.

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In a contested custody hearing earlier this week, I had a Family Court Judge order the parents to exchange information about their children via email. No other communication was allowed between these parties (due to the allegations by both of harassment and misusing the telephone). For quite some time, I have encouraged my clients to take advantage of today's technology and use email when communicating with the opposing party. Fortunately, our courts have begun to get on the bandwagon recently in highly contested cases and encourage (if not require) parties to do the same.

Communicating by email has several advantages over other methods:

1. The sender has time to carefully consider what to include in the email.
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   Tags: Children, Relationships
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Holidays can be an especially difficult time for divorced parents. These special days can give rise to additional stress -- especially so in relationships that may already be strained or broken. Sharyn T. Sooho has published 10 Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents on About.com, which gives several good suggestions to help in these situations. Ms. Sooho's tips are listed below, along with my comments for each.

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The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week against parents who sued their local school district after their elementary-age children were given a sexually charged survey. The following are excerpts from the Court's decision in Fields v. Palmdale School District:

We ... hold that there is no fundamental right of parents to be the exclusive provider of information regarding sexual matters to their children, either independent of their right to direct the upbringing and education of their children or encompassed by it. We also hold that parents have no due process or privacy right to override the determinations of public schools as to the information to which their children will be exposed while enrolled as students. Finally, we hold that the defendants' actions were rationally related to a legitimate state purpose. ... .

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In order to discover the essential components of effective joint custodies, Chris Hahn wants to interview parents who participated in a physical joint custody for at least five (5) years, with the physical time having averaged at least 30/70. Chris has had difficulty Identifying qualified participants. If you can help, please contact Chris directly at cph@2chahn.com.

Background on this project from Chris:

Divorce casts a shroud over the children of divorce. Except in the case of abuse, violence, and other high conflict situations parents should make every attempt to stay together for the sake of the kids. But when divorce has already happened or is unavoidable what is the best custodial arrangement for each unique family? Unfortunately there is a dearth of good inside-the-custody data, especially about joint custodies.

All families have distinctive environmental variables that favor different custodial structures. For some families joint custodies offer solutions to some of the most damaging aspects of divorce, but joint custodies have unique challenges. What is it that makes a long-term joint custody possible? We don't know -- this why I am doing my dissertation research on the characteristics of long-term physical joint custodies.

Thanks to Elizabeth Marquardt at the Family Scholars Blog for her post on this project and good luck to Chris on the research project.

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Do grandparents have the right to visit their grandchildren or not? Sounds like an easy question, but the answer is becoming somewhat less clear. They did, but now they don't (probably), but they might again. A little history is in order to better understand this complex issue...

In summer of 2000, the U.S. Supreme Court issued the landmark decision, Troxel v. Granville, which declared Washington state's grandparent visitation law unconstitutional. In a 6-3 decision, the Court held that the Washington Statute violated the right of parents, under the Due Process Clause of the Constitution's Fourteenth Amendment, to make decisions concerning the care, custody, and control of their children. Justice Sandra Day O'Connor wrote for the Court that the "liberty interest at issue in this case -- the interest of parents in the care, custody, and control of their children -- is perhaps the oldest of the fundamental liberty interests recognized by this Court."

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Multivitamins seem like nutritional insurance for children, but are they really necessary--and risk-free? The October issue of Parents magazine contained an article on this subject, Kids and Vitamins, by Richard Laliberte, which concludes that the answer for most children is "probably not." The article also describes which children can benefit from vitamins and lists the five key nutrients for kids. Read it for yourself and find out more on this interesting subject.

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My friend and fellow family law blogger, Grant Griffiths of the Kansas Family and Divorce Lawyer blog, had an excellent post last week that discussed the evolution of fathers' custody rights with regard to their children. Grant's post is concise and well-written, and it is well worth a read if you are interested in this subject.

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Halloween is now 10 short days away. Parents.com has compiled a list of tips to help protect your children from common Halloween hazards. These tips are concise, well-reasoned, and direct. If you have children, do yourself a favor and click on this link to take advantage of this excellent resource. You will be glad that you did.

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One way parents can increase their child's chance of succeeding in school is to forget a good relationship with his/her teacher. Parents magazine published an article, Be an A+ Parent by Nancy Seid, which gives several practical tips toward that end.

This article offers suggestions to assist parents in four main areas: initial communication; successful parent-teacher conferences; conflict resolution; and continuing communication.

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Family Court cases are difficult for everyone involved, but are especially difficult for children. I often tell my clients to realize how stressful these cases can be on them, then imagine having to deal with it as a child. I believe that parents should do anything they can reasonably do to educate themselves on ways to help their children.

The Colorado Foundation for Families and Children published Connecting With Your Kids: Important Information on Parenting Time in Colorado by Jane A. Irvine M.A. This 247 page book is available online in its entirety in *.pdf format, and it discusses the following issues: overall legal rules; creation of a parenting plan; common problem areas for parents; and other available resources.

Certainly, some of the issues and procedure discussed in this book is specific to Colorado. However, there are entire chapters devoted to parenting plans, difficulties in separate parenting, and problem solving options. Those more general topics can be a great resource to parents facing these issues, regardless of the states in which they live.

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The Stars and Stripes published a feature article discussing the heartache and legal obstacles faced by American soldiers and their foreign spouses when a child is taken by one parent without the other's consent. This article discusses what happens when a U.S. soldier stationed overseas meets and marries a non-U.S. citizen, they have a child, break up, and one parent then takes the child to live elsewhere without the other's consent.

In most such cases, the left-behind parent is forced to navigate a maze of international and local legal procedures to have any chance at having a parental relationship with the his/her child. Although having a child returned from a country is much easier if that country is one of the seventy-five nations which have signed the Hague Convention on International Child Abduction. I have previously posted on International Child Abduction Resources.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) says that this scenario is becoming more common. The military has an informational campaign to educate its soldiers of the administrative or legal requirements that need to be met when marrying a non-U.S. citizen. Julia Alanen, NCMEC's International Division director, says she would "strongly encourage any concerned parent serving abroad to immediately contact the U.S. embassy or consulate in their host country, contact base legal, and contact NCMEC's International Division for abduction prevention assistance and legal technical assistance. There are preventive measures that a parent can take to protect his/her child from being parentally abducted, and certainly we prefer to hear from the parent before an abduction has occurred."

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The British government is unveiling new "family-friendly" laws this week, which will enable new fathers the legal right to take up to six months' unpaid paternity leave during their child's first year. The Work and Families Bill would give British fathers some of the most generous paternity rights in the world, but it is expected to be fiercely opposed by business groups, who say it will be disruptive and expensive, especially for small firms.

Currently, new British fathers are only legally allowed two weeks' leave. During that time, they are entitled to specified weekly paternity pay from the government, but about half of companies continue with full pay during that time. About 60% of eligible men take advantage of this leave. While I doubt that we will see similar programs here in the United States any time soon, it is interesting to see other countries' views on including fathers into their children's lives.

The article in The Sunday Times also references two related research findings. A study by Cambridge University found that young children who have a lot of contact with their fathers tend to be more confident in later life. Other research has demonstrated that such paternal contact also boosts educational performance and reduces antisocial behavior.

Thanks to the Family Law Prof Blog for their post on this subject.

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The Tennessee Supreme Court issued a 4-1 decision last week that a woman who gave birth to triplets had legal rights as a mother, even though the children are not genetically related to her. In this case, the babies were conceived with their father's DNA but with eggs donated by another woman.

The majority opinion written by Chief Justice Frank F. Drowota III held that the woman is "the children's legal mother with all the rights and responsibilities of parenthood," noting that "recent developments in reproductive technology have caused a tectonic shift in the realities which underlie our legal conceptions of parenthood."

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