South Carolina Family Law Blog : Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : The Stevens Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

Attention dads – if you have a daughter, please do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to read the list of tips from Michael Mitchell, which contains many suggestions to help you be a better father to her.  His list includes the following gems:

1. Love her mom. Treat her mother with respect, honor, and a big heaping spoonful of public displays of affection. When she grows up, the odds are good she’ll fall in love with and marry someone who treats her much like you treated her mother. Good or bad, that’s just the way it is. I’d prefer good.
2. Always be there. Quality time doesn’t happen without quantity time. Hang out together for no other reason than just to be in each other’s presence. Be genuinely interested in the things that interest her. She needs her dad to be involved in her life at every stage. Don’t just sit idly by while she add years to her… add life to her years.
3. Save the day. She’ll grow up looking for a hero. It might as well be you. She’ll need you to come through for her over and over again throughout her life. Rise to the occasion. Red cape and blue tights optional.
4. Savor every moment you have together. Today she’s crawling around the house in diapers, tomorrow you’re handing her the keys to the car, and before you know it, you’re walking her down the aisle. Some day soon, hanging out with her old man won’t be the bees knees anymore. Life happens pretty fast. You better cherish it while you can.
5. Pray for her. Regularly. Passionately. Continually. 

You can read the other 45 tips by clicking here, or you can read the ever-growing list of tips here (currently at 147 and counting). 

Source: "50 Rules for Dads of Daughters" by Michael Mitchell, published at From Dates to Diapers.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments (2)
• Trackbacks

Divorce is a difficult time for anyone.  If the couple has children, this is a dynamic that often brings additional stress to the process.  There are many important points that can be made in regards to helping kids cope and adjust to the new arrangements between both parents.  One of the most essential points is co-parenting.

What is Co-Parenting?

This is the ability for two individuals to communicate effectively and consistently in regards to raising their children. Usually people that co-parent have most rules, consequences, and rewards agreed upon for their children.  Co-parenting can be tough when a married couple is together.  Living in two separate houses creates a real challenge.

Why is Co-Parenting Important?

Children need consistent structure and boundaries from their parents.  Children naturally will push against and test these boundaries out.  This pushing of boundaries is completely normal and expected. When they push against these boundaries and receive different responses from different parents they are quick to pick up that they can use this to their advantage.  Children will often play one parent against the other, act out, and may even have increased behavior problems if there is not consistency between both parents.

Why don’t those kids just stop playing the parents…..

This is wishful thinking.  Children are smart, very observant, and most times will try to get what they want. An important part of helping children develop is to have clear boundaries to learn healthy ways of getting what they want. (This will include experiences where they do not get their way).  It is difficult for a child to choose healthy problem solving if it is easier just to play one parent against the other.

Easier said than done.

Co-parenting is hard especially if you are trying to do this with a person that brings up negative feelings.  If you are having trouble agreeing with your ex- partner about parenting issues I would encourage parents to start small.  See if there are at least one or two things that each agree on for rules, structure, and consequences.  Another options is to agree on minimal amounts of communication that is only to be used to discuss raising the children.

No Need for a Mirror Image

Co-parenting does NOT mean you have to do everything the same.  It is unreasonable to think both homes will have the exact same routines, consequences, and structure for everything.  That being said, the more consistency you have the better.  If a child knows his/her consequence will carry over to the other parent's home, he or she will be less likely to manipulate. (This requires both parents to agree on a certain consequence before hand).

It is important that your child have positive time with both parents while experiencing consistent rules and structure.  Children may feel increased security if they can depend on both parents to work together even when divorced.

The above information is general information and should NOT be considered professional advice. If you are having any individual, couple, or family difficulties related to this topic or any psychiatric problem, please consult a licensed professional for an individualized assessment to meet your needs.

About the Author:  Michael Kovach is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a former elementary school teacher. Along with articles related to family therapy he writes about traditional education degrees as well as informational articles for those considering an online degree .

• Email This
• Print
• Comments (1)
• Trackbacks

I have been very proud to present the exclusive online presentation of "Communications in the 21st Century" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  My sincere thanks again to Dr. Kuhne for such an outstanding, insightful series.  Here is Part Six:

As you no doubt have been hearing in the news lately, more and more families across America are foreclosing on their homes due in part to adjustable rate mortgages ballooning payments beyond affordability or becoming upside down in a mortgage, in essence where the house is worth less than the remaining mortgage. The financial crisis of the banking industry is really a financial crisis of consumer debt and greed. We spend more than we can afford to pay. We have been consumers and not stewards. And that consumerism has gotten the best of us.

In January 2010, you may have heard of a new company that was started called YouWalkAway.Com. This company actually helps home owners to strategically default on their home mortgage, literally walking away from their contract; to walk away without emotion, without guilt, and with full knowledge of the consequences of doing so. As a generation, we have tried to maintain a level of prosperity/materialism we saw our parents achieve on one income that we now cannot afford even on two incomes.

I would like to propose a potential response to the average family who finds themselves in a financial crisis. Besides becoming educated about money, debt, and stewardship through Dave Ramsey or Crown Financial Ministries, I believe there is another strategy that can be incorporated that could yield positive results: Being willing to bend and flex; being willing to change. Being willing to let go.

Families struggling with financial debt can bend and flex by being willing (and even humble) to drop down a few class levels – drop expensive memberships, drop expensive cars, drop the perks (the kids cell phones, cable tv, the boat, the lake house, etc), and maybe even drop the home. Though many reading this could never, ever think about shifting from their point of stability and security – I believe that being willing to bend and flex is one of the greatest characteristics of being a Believer today. Isn’t it rather odd that the only time we really ever think about downsizing or reducing our debt is when we retire. Why can’t we be willing to downsize our lifestyles now, as a way to secure our family and better manage what God has entrusted to us?

I am willing to guess that everyone reading this knows of someone who has gone from riches to rags in the last few years. Multi-millionaires have literally become wiped out. Middle-class families have lost everything. And when money is wiped out, we bend and flex and go back to the basics. Husbands and wives go back to work, even taking seemingly menial jobs to keep the family afloat. We bend and flex. We rise to the occasion of what is needed to provide the basic needs of the family, and in the process we find that some of the basics of life are what give us meaning and purpose. Children in expensive colleges have had to transfer to a less expensive community college or have had to get a job to help secure their education. Families have gotten out of their high monthly car payments and into cheaper fully paid for cars. But that is what it takes to bend and flex amidst the challenges and difficulties of our world. As Dave Ramsey says on his radio show, “The paid off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice.”

I believe there will be more bending and flexing to come. Some families are learning some very difficult lessons about stewardship and management of the resources God has placed in their lives. And as we bend and flex, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb 12:2).

Bending and Flexing with you,
Dr. Trey 

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments (1)
• Trackbacks

I am pleased to present Part Five in my exclusive online presentation of "Communications in the 21st Century" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

By now, you have completed your 2009 taxes, and for many, may have received a tax refund. Many families I know bank on that yearly tax refund, hoping that the IRS refund somehow makes up for debt issues or provides a cushion for the family vacation.

Though money and finances are relevant topics for families right now, I would like to suggest that husbands and wives consider another form of transaction that takes place everyday in the relationship – that of emotional deposits. We make emotional deposits into each other’s mental/spiritual “bank accounts” when we encourage, love, support, and uplift the other. When couples come together at the end of a hard day with work or when couples connect on the downtimes of the weekend, each taking moments to listen to the other share or offer a hug during a moment of distress – those are the moments that we make an emotional “deposit.”

Those who are married know that long after the dating pursuits end, the routines and stressors of family life take a toll on the emotional and physical needs of couples. Love used to be all about being fascinated with the other person. Now, after 10 years of marriage, love is about just living with another person and staying sane! When dating, love was about kissing and holding hands all the time. Now 10 years later, love is about taking trips together and experiencing life together. And yet, I would like to suggest that both men and women still need those moments, spaces, and venues where emotional expressions of love keep the flame afire.

As you get your tax refund, do a quick overview of your emotional deposits you are making in your spouse’s life: listening without interruption, holding hands when alone, taking opportunities to express yourself to your spouse in loving and appreciative ways, leaving a card or note on the pillow, a gentle hug at the end of a hard day, an unexpected kiss in the midst of a spontaneous moment. These are just some of the loving “deposits” that help fill our physical, mental, and spiritual accounts to overflowing. Store up the love in the other and spend the love freely with one another!

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

Over the last several weeks, I have been pleased to present the exclusive online presentation of "Communications in the 21st Century" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT, a series that took an honest and serious look at how we communicate in the 21st century.  If you missed it, you can read the installments at the following links:

• Part One
• Part Two
• Part Three
• Part Four

Thanks again to Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to publish this series on my blog.  I sincerely hope that my readers found it to be as helpful and informative as I did.  Dr. Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling, and you can find out more about him and his practice by visiting his website here.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

I am pleased to present Part Three in my exclusive online presentation of "Communications in the 21st Century" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

For the past few weeks I have been sharing some viewpoints of cell phone use, texting issues, and your children’s use of these services. I find it beyond coincidence that my weekly discussions surrounding these discussions has been directly relevant with current social discussions on cell phone texting while driving and even Supreme Court discussions on what is private communications regarding cell phone and emails.

What I want to share this week is quite alarming. I am not sharing this to bring the reader into a panic, but I am so concerned about how we as couples, families, and individuals communicate that even something as simple as privacy is no longer really fully private anymore. There is a brief video report from Good Morning America on how your cell phone can be used against you as a spying device. You can view this brief but alarming video by clicking here.

We take for granted that our cell phone conversations are completely private and conversations with the other party are also just between “me and thee.” There are software applications that can be placed on many cell phones that permit an outside person to access your cell phone, your text messages, your voicemail, and even your camera to listen, view, and collect information about you all without your consent or without your knowledge. There are jealous boyfriends doing this to their girlfriends’ phones (per GMA video) and I would guess spouses spying on spouses. Your cell phone left on while in your pocketbook, sitting on a table, or on your belt during a private conversation with friends becomes not so private. The point of mentioning this is to raise awareness that in our 21st century there are technologies that we may assume are helping us but may indeed be hindering our good communications. We may also need to be vigilant in awareness of the evil that lurks out there that seeks intentionally to thwart what good we may be doing.

Dear friends, please take the time to talk directly face-to-face with those whom you are in relationship. Begin valuing, again, direct communications, where sight, sound, intuition, smell, feel, and the care for the other person are present to assist in interpretation. About the only real private and secured communications left are those prayers we share with the Father. No outside foe can break through the special connection we have with God through prayer!

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

I am pleased to present Part Three in my exclusive online presentation of "Communications in the 21st Century" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

A few years ago I had the privilege to go to Hawaii and do you know what the official favorite potted meat is in Hawaii? You guessed it: Spam. But Spam has become a word today to define something more than the mysterious potted canned meat – it has come to represent all those unwanted and unsolicited emails or texts we get on our communication devices daily. What is Spam you ask? Well, for one I have personally not responded to at least 100 emails designating me a winner of hundreds of sweepstakes/lotteries all over the world. I bet I have graciously passed on over 1 billion dollars by now with all those winnings I could have had! Spam is/are unsolicited emails selling products that enhance my brain power, man power, spending power, spiritual power, and everything in between. Spam is literally information overload – overloading the computer networks and overloading our own information boundaries.

Most everyone’s computer has virus/spyware protection that tries to filter spam. Otherwise we would be so flooded with so many emails we couldn’t go through them all to find the emails that we need to read and actually respond to. I believe it is the same in our relationships. Each one of us encounters so much information daily from advertisements, magazines, internet, TV, social circles, movies, and work that we need to learn to filter some of that information before letting it come into our lives. Spam wreaks havoc on computer networks. In relationships like marriages, families, and even our social lives, information overload can also wreak havoc on us manifesting anxiety, depression, stress, and a host of other mental and physical problems.

So how do we filter the informational overload – or spam – that occurs everyday with us? I think we need filters. Spiritual filters would include being grounded in God’s Word, letting Christian values and beliefs influence your decision making and information gathering. Psychological filters would include being aware of your mental and physical space (boundaries) and being in control of that space as much as possible. Do not let anyone/anything into that space that doesn’t belong. Be aware of what information you share with others and be guarded with personal information. Filter out the “noises” of bad information that comes from other sources that tempts you down paths that you don’t want to go down. You may have to utilize some powerful filtering systems in your life by changing your information gathering practices: turn off the tv a few night a week, limit internet access times, spend more time with others that you wholeheartedly trust and can rely on, listen to what God has to say to you about Himself and you in His Word and in Church.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

This is Part Two in the exclusive online presentation of "Communications in the 21st Century" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

This week I would like to take a brief look at how our communication methods are viewed in society and who is benefiting from those methods, as I said last week that you may be surprised! Just a short few years ago, the telephone was our link to others other than face-to-face talking. Now the computer has quickly been skipped over to unique technologies with the cell phone: text messaging, picture taking, videos, and other applications to be used via the cell phone in conjunction with the needs of everday life. My wife uses an iPhone from Apple. She can use it to call me, she can text message or email her colleagues at work, she can use it as a GPS unit when we travel, as a nightlite in the dark, and even can use it as a mosquito repellant in the summer time (the iPhone emits a high pitch tone through the speaker that repels the insects).

Before the iPhone, the biggest hit in the cell phone market was something called the BlackBerry. This was a phone with a keyboard built-in that allowed one to more easily type email messages through one’s phone for work or personal use. So what has the cell phone contributed to society? Much more instantaneous and immediate connections. Cell phones can be given to children and adults to keep close on them so that others may have immediate contact at any given moment. I know many hard working individuals that basically live with their Blackberry on their hip and beside their night stand at home. This communication mechanism doesn’t necessarily permit healthy established boundaries and our dependency upon it has trumped other forms of natural communications. Pick just about anybody you know that carries an iPhone or Blackberry on them and you will find a person well aquainted with anxiety. Salespersons make contract exchanges via that small keyboard. Answers no longer take weeks or days for reply. Questions, answers, and exchanges take place literally within moments; and as I would like to suggest, to the toll of our health, stress, and emotional well-being

Who benefits from these communication tools? You might think it is you but you would be wrong. I personally do not think we benefit in the ways we think. It adds angst, stress, anxiety, and worry. I know a pastor who refuses to carry a cell phone. I wonder why? I knew a salesperson who refused to make contract changes via emailing but preferred to be voice-to-voice if not face-to-face. The main benefactors, of course, are the cell phone manufacturers and the cell phone signal carriers. And their reward is so high that they are willing to keep the advancement of even more technology, despite how we use their technology and despite the effects those tools have on how we communicate as a society.

I am not trying to poo-poo cell phones or their use. Much of society has placed an almost irreplaceable dependency upon cell phones. I use one and I am not saying they are bad or wrong. But we have allowed ourselves to be engulfed by these limited forms of communication and have given in to their message that texting, emailing, and electronic media can fully replace every other natural form of connection. Don’t be fooled my friends. Zero’s and one’s can never replace the human soul. Anything digital is only a form of what it is copying and is never a replacement of the copy.

Parents, I encourage you this month to re-evaluate your need to have each child in your home own a cell phone with text-messaging. Go back to other forms of communication with your children. Look them in their eyes and hold them with your arms and tell them that you love them. Don’t just text them your love. Employees with iPhones and Blackberry’s, I encourage you to resist detailed communications via texting and take the time and effort to actually make the phone call and speak voice-to-voice. Though unconventional as it may seem in the 21st century, we need to get back to being good communicators representing ourselves more fully. We need to take the time to connect with others where such effort is rewarded by connection.

I am sure some of my thoughts are controversial and I welcome disagreement but consider the challenge. Analyze what you say and how you say it and make sure that what you say directly relates to how you say it.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks

I am pleased to bring you the exclusive online presentation of "Communications in the 21st Century" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I will publish this multi-part series over the next several Fridays, and I hope that it is helpful to you.  I want to thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to once again present his series to you on my blog.  Here is Part One:

This year I am embarking onto a new series that takes an honest and serious look at how we communicate in the 21st century. Our century is one of social and networking connections, Facebook, MySpace, iPhone, online transactions, everything internet and very little voice to voice or face to face. It’s kind of odd that one of the chief social networking sites used by many is called Facebook; where actually making face to face contact is NOT a part of this tool. Pictures are posted, words are written on one another’s “walls’” and connections are established with friends or strangers with immediate intimacy.

Not long ago, the Supreme Court took up the decision on whether telephone texting / emailing at work is completely private or whether employers can be privileged to such communication while employees are at work. This will be a critical issue towards what constitutes privacy in communications.

I am really worried about how far and fast phone texting has come into our culture, surpassing actual voice connections. There is an obvious need to connect and befriend others and such widespread use of this form does speak to how important it is to feel connected with others. But such forms also promote anxiety and a sense of immediate gratification. No longer are the primary tools of communication body language, eye contact, hearing, smell, and touch.

Young people and the generations of the 21st century are not accultured to actually listen with their ears but primarily with their eyes. Having a cell phone for every young person seems to be an expectation for 21st century parents. While cell phones and texting are here to stay, my best I can do is to make parents and persons aware of the dangers of eye-only communication and encourage education to the other forms as well.

What would have happened in Jesus’ time if he had texted his anger and frustration at those selling in His Father’s Temple? What if Jesus had called each disciple by a Twitter message at the same time to all? Would they have responded the same?

There are many future modes of communication yet to come, mostly those of the virtual nature. These future forms will make texting seem infantile. Holographic and virtual representations will replace our actual presence. Already, one person’s voice or image can be in more than one place at one time via the internet.

Next week I would like to explore the motives from our social culture that promotes these shallow and mostly inadequate forms of communication. You may be surprised at who profits from how you communicate.

Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks