Divorce can be particularly hard on children, especially when the parents don't take the appropriate steps to help protect them during this process. Children need and have the right to the following, especially in times of family upheaval:
Being free of the conflict between the parents
Developing and maintaining an independent relationship with each parent
Not having to take over the parental responsibility for making custody and/or visitation decisions
Not being expected or forced to take sides with, defend, or lessen the value of either parent
Being guided, taught, supervised, disciplined and nurtured by each parent, without interference from the other parent
Spending time with each parent, regardless of whether or not financial support is given
Having a personal sleeping area and space for possessions in each parent’s home
Being physically safe and adequately supervised when in the care of each parent
Having a stable, consistent and responsible child care arrangement when not supervised by the parents
Developing and maintaining meaningful relationships with other significant adults, as long as these relationships do not interfere with or replace the children’s primary relationship with their parents
Expecting that both parents stay informed about medical, dental, educational and legal matters, unless such disclosure would prove harmful to the child
Participating in age-appropriate activities so long as these activities do not significantly impair their relationship with either parent
Maintaining happiness (or some semblance of it) through your divorce might not be as difficult as you think. According to scientists, the following things make us happy:
Virtues: Our sense of wisdom, justice, compassion for others,
Gratitude: Appreciating what we have and expressing it to ourselves and others,
Savoring: Enjoying the moment and taking time to smell the roses,
Engagement: Being in our activities for the experience of it ("being in the zone"),
Living a meaningful life: Doing things for others and helping others.
Studies of the Danish (the happiest people on earth) show that low expectations also make us happy. If our expectations are low, then we become happy when things go unexpectedly well. Also, Denmark's social safety net ensures people the basic necessities of life.
How can you go through a "happy" divorce?
Remember that you are in control of the things that make you happy (see 1-5 above).
Approach the divorce – and the associated child-custody, division of property, maintenance issues – with realistic expectations.
Reach an agreement with your spouse and litigate as few things as possible. This will save you money and – like the Danish – you won't have to worry about the basic necessities of live.
Posted on December 30, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Tiger Woods, Sen. John Ensign, the Mayor of Detroit -- all men whose adultery was discovered by text messages to their lovers. Family law attorneys have seen a rise in the number of situations where a cheating spouse's own text messages tell his/her spouse about the adultery, and that number is expected to continue to grow in the future.
Most people know that email messages remain on their computers even if deleted, but they do not think about text messages in the same way. A copy of the message remains on the cell phones of both the sender and receiver for at least some period of time, and communications companies retain them for short periods of time. AT&T says that it keeps its text messages for 72 hours at most, while Verizon claims it saves them for 5 to 10 days.
Of course, younger cell phone users use text messages more than older users, so the number of cases involving this issue is expected to grow. The Nielsen Company reports that text messages now outnumber mobile voice calls three to one. Monthly text messages sent or received jumped to 584 per person in the quarter ending in September, which is a 60 percent increase from a year earlier.
Posted on November 30, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Family Court cases are difficult for adults, but they can be traumatic for children. After seeing the effect these cases can have on children, Reggie Blackledge, a family law attorney in Collins, Mississippi, wrote the following poem to help adults understand the feelings that children experience when their parents are fighting in court. I am pleased that Mr. Blackledge granted me permission to publish his poem on my blog, and I hope that you find it as meaningful as I do:
IT’S MY FAULT
I’m 8 years old and I don’t know how I got here.
As far back as I know they’ve been fussing.
At first they would just come out of a room with momma in tears.
Then it got so loud that I couldn’t get anywhere that I didn’t hear them cussing.
I’ve heard that a wife should love her husband, and a husband should love his wife.
That’s what I would keep telling myself when I hid.
But their fighting has been going on my whole life.
It must be something I did.
I try to concentrate when I’m in class, but the teacher’s words just start to fade.
Sometimes I just feel numb.
The teachers are worried about my grades.
I must really be dumb.
Now I live with momma and see daddy off and on.
Even with them living apart it’s still the same.
They may not see each other but when daddy calls me they fight on the phone.
I love them both and want it to stop. I must be to blame.
We went back to court today over what the judge called child custody.
As usual they yelled at each other in the hall.
I’m the child so this custody fight must be about me.
If they are fighting over me I must be the cause.
Court is over now and I’m trying not to think about what was said.
I need to sleep. I just want some rest.
Momma’s nerve pills are by her bed.
I’m so confused and upset.
They were bitter. I lay down on momma’s bed.
I remember my last thought
As I whispered out loud and sleepily said,
“This must all be my fault.”
By: A. Regnal Blackledge, Attorney at Law
Shoemake & Blackledge, PLLC
Collins, Mississippi 39428 www.shoemakeblackledge.com
Posted on November 25, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition, provides the following excellent advice for Thanksgiving:
Thanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season. Although usually less fraught with anxiety than Christmas, if it is the first “big holiday” since your estrangement from your spouse, you may be dreading the day. It also may be your first holiday without your children.
Going through a divorce can give you the perfect “excuse” to break with tradition and forge your own way of celebrating. Spending the holiday home by yourself watching videos and eating Chinese take-out (yes, they are open on Thanksgiving) may be just what you need to do! Evelyn prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner for herself of her favorite foods. She set the table with linen and candles and put on music she liked. Then she enjoyed the day celebrating by herself. Divorce gives you the opportunity to listen to what you want and what works for you. It can be a time of loss of traditions, but it also can signal liberation from those traditions, rituals, and obligations that no longer have meaning for you.
If you do decide to spend the holiday alone, some people may feel uncomfortable with your decision. Stand your ground. Know what is right for you. If you need to spend the day cleaning out the basement or making cookies, then do it! Pay attention to your own needs.
If you have your children for the holiday, you may want to discuss alternate plans with them. Some families go to the movies on Thanksgiving Day, eschewing the big turkey for a big bag of popcorn. You can make new choices to fit your life. Above all remember, every holiday is only twenty four hours. You can get through twenty four hours. Next year won’t carry the same weight as this year. You will be surprised when you look back on how far you have really come. You will be able to affirm that the journey was tough, but worth it!
One final word on Thanksgiving—whatever you decide to do, set aside a few minutes to express and feel your gratitude. You can do this in prayer, with your children, in a letter to yourself, or in volunteering. There are good things in your life. When you neglect to honor them, you give divorce too much power. Divorce is not your whole life, but rather something that happens in your life!
Posted on November 13, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Some people choose to spend a lot of time, effort, and money fighting over personal property. However, as experienced family law attorneys know, there is a better way to handle those issues. The following post explains a common sense approach to dividing personal property in a divorce (or separation) case:
The division of personal property in a divorce can be one of the most expensive, emotional, and wasteful parts of a case. Parties will often spend thousands of dollars arguing over a very inexpensive piece of personal property.
Personal property, meaning furniture, art, family photos, pets, and other general property, in a divorce is treated no differently than the division of other assets. A dollar value figure is placed on the property and the allocation of property is dealt with as part of the general division of assets and debts. For example, if all of the personal property is worth $20,000 and one party takes all of it, they would owe the other party $10,000 as either a cash payment or out of the division of some other asset or by taking on a similar amount of debt.
The better way to deal with the division is for the parties to agree on who takes what piece of furniture and not assign a dollar figure to anything. This can be more complicated with valuable artwork. Family photos are generally given to one party with the other party having an option to make copies.
If there is a clear dispute over which property each party wants, the easiest method is to have the personal property appraised. The appraiser will make a list of all property and assign dollar values to each piece and then the judge can make a determination of how it is divided.
Some property is not included as a marital asset. Generally this happens with jewelry or other clear gifts that were intended to be given to the other party and not shared. In that case, there will be no offset and the property will go to the party whom received the gift. One example is that a wedding ring always stays with the party who received it.
Posted on November 11, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
I read a very interesting blog post that analyzed the term "uncontested divorce" and I wanted to share it with my readers:
Divorce attorneys frequently receive telephone calls from potential clients asking, "What do you charge for an uncontested divorce?" Unfortunately, this question is generally impossible to answer right off the bat. There are hundreds of variables which influence the costs of a divorce.
Sometimes, a person says he or she wants an uncontested divorce because "I've decided what I'm going to give her (or him)." Equally often, the other spouse has a somewhat different idea of what he or she is entitled to take from the marriage. What does this create? Conflict! And if there's conflict, it is not an uncontested divorce.
On the other hand, someone says, "We've worked this all out. We just want a divorce." But, when you start asking questions about the division of debts, Qualified Domestic Relations Order for the division of pensions and retirement funds, the refinancing of the mortage on the house, etc., you find the parties usually have not thought this through quite as thoroughly as an experienced Family Law attorney and that maybe there are issues that have not truly been agreed upon.
Then there's the issue of a couple thinking they have their divorce all worked out and want to know if one divorce attorney can represent both of them. The short answer is "No!" No one should believe that any family law attorney can represent both parties in a divorce case and our Supreme Court agrees.
One attorney may, however, represent one of the spouses while the other spouse can either proceed without a divorce attorney or, perhaps, hire an attorney only for the purpose of reviewing the settlement agreement. This may save the parties a good deal of money in a low-conflict divorce case.
You should proceed with caution if an attorney promises to represent both you and your spouse in a divorce. And equally important, you may think your divorce is unconsted, but in reality the only thing you really agree on is that you both want the divorce.
I explain to my clients that a divorce is like a death – the death of a relationship. As such, everyone deals with it in different ways, with some quickly accepting its reality, while others struggle to accept what is happening.
Some might think that a professional broadcaster, someone who talks for a living, would be more comfortable than the average man while testifying at his divorce hearing. However, as evidenced in CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz's recent divorce, that is not always the case.
Clutching a pair of reading glasses in his hands, the 50-year-old Nantz teared up at times as he described his wife's foibles that he claims led up to the breakdown of their marriage.
"In 2004, I got the Man of the Year award from the New York Athletic Club. Rudy Giuliani had been the previous year's winner and it really meant a lot to me," he said, his eyes welling with tears. "My mother flew in from Houston, but Lorrie wasn't there." Nantz said he was given an oil portrait of himself at the dinner, but Lorrie wouldn't let him hang it in their Westport home. It ended up in a warehouse," he lamented.
The trial over, Lorrie Nantz stood in the lobby of the courthouse sobbing. Stepping from the elevator, her husband saw her standing there alone and walked over and put his arms around her. Together they stood, arms wrapped around each other, sobbing.
When a couple has been married for a long time, like the Nantzs' 26 years, they usually care deeply for each other, even if they can no longer live together and continue their marriage. I have seen many divorced couples hug when they left the Courtroom and their case was concluded. Sometimes, it's helpful for those going through a divorce to remember moments like these.
Divorce can be one of life's most stressful events, even in the best of circumstances. Some divorces are handled in a fairly civilized manner (Collaborative Law is a great way to accomplish that), but many divorces, unfortunately, are nasty, drawn-out and expensive procedures. If you or a loved one are about to go through a divorce, here are some tips to help minimize the difficulties of divorce.
Don't do things to just annoy your spouse. That's not to say you need to agree to everything your spouse wants. What this refers to is choosing not to antagonize your spouse by demanding the picture he or she has always loved, or by saying things you know will embarrass or humiliate your spouse, etc. Everyone knows buttons they can push -- Just Don't Do It! You may get some brief feeling of pleasure, but your spouse most likely will respond similarly, and maybe at a higher level. There's no real benefit to escalating the conflict.
Don't respond when your spouse does something just to annoy you. Take the advice that you may have given kids. Just ignore it and s/he will probably quit doing it. Going back and forth fighting with each other is childish and doesn't help you progress toward a final settlement. You may feel that you are entitled to respond in kind, but it really doesn't help you. To avoid the unpleasantness you sometimes (or often) experienced during your marriage, you have to be the adult and break the cycle of conflict.
Keep the children out of the middle. No messages sent. No using them as a pawn. Think long term here. The disputes are between two adult parents, not the kids, but the kids can be damaged by the adults' fighting. Do what you can to keep the kids out of the middle and you will have a happier family.
Don't waste money doing unnecessary things, fighting over insignificant things or arguing for things that you will clearly lose. Think about the costs of fighting. Financially, is it worthwhile to spend attorneys' time and your money fighting over inexpensive or easily replaced items? There are many issues in divorces and they aren't all created equal. Some are much more significant than the others. You should focus on the important ones.
Act mature even if no one else does. It's harder to fight with a person who doesn't fight back than with someone who seems to relish the contest of wills. Besides, your family, friends and children will recognize and reward your efforts in the long run. Be a model for adult behavior and help yourself in your recovery from the effects of divorce. Keep in mind higher goals for yourself and don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by someone trying to pick a fight. You will come out in better shape and save yourself time and money. You don't have to mimic or match someone else's bad behavior.
Don't just complain or whine, figure out constructive steps you can take to get a good result. Sometimes it is hard to figure out how to get out of the ditch. Problems can seem overwhelming and solutions unreachable. If that's the case, get help. Talk with a therapist, a life coach, a mentor, your attorney, a teacher or maybe some reasonable friends. (I added the "reasonable" qualification because sometimes friends aren't the most helpful.) Figure out some goals for yourself and take some action. Even a little step forward is progress. Doing nothing will get you going backwards, if you're not careful. Get some exercise and try to get healthier. That makes it easier to get started.
Pay attention to your lawyer more than you do your family and friends. Your friends can give you advice for free, but you get what you pay for. They don't really know all the facts of your case and don't know the law as well as your attorney does. They also don't have the working knowledge of the judge, the local court system and the other lawyer that an experienced attorney will have. Your friends may be well intentioned, but they often can really cause problems by providing bad advice and pushing the wrong actions. Attorneys aren't perfect, but they do generally have a better long-term perspective than friends do.
Figure out your goals -- what's really important to you -- and what you need to do to accomplish them. And then take action. When your life is in transition, it's a good idea to set a target, your goals, and plan how you can accomplish them. Think about it some and put your goals in writing. They don't have to be perfect -- you can revise them as you work on them. You may try one thing and then decide that something else is more appealing or important. What's important is to have a purpose and a plan, and then take action. Get help from trusted advisers, if you need to, but get started thinking about the future in specific, concrete ways. Stop just reacting to what's thrown at you. Start planning and initiating your own activities.
Don't limit yourself to just standardized solutions to problems. Open up your mind and be creative so that your needs can be met. Setting lofty goals is sometimes daunting, but use your imagination and come up with your own creative solutions. Don't limit yourself. Be open to trying out "ridiculous" ideas. Sometimes they work best and they can be fun.
The following tips can help you forget about your ex and get on with the rest of your life:
First, don’t train yourself to hate your ex so you won’t yearn for him or her. Hating your ex causes more problems than it’s worth, and hating them could hurt future relationships. There are a lot of dating websites where you can browse the members in your pajamas. You’ll quickly forget your ex, and find someone new.
People tend to look at a relationship ending as a failure, and beat themselves up over it by self-loathing. Don’t do that. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is why the relationship ended. Sort out your own feelings and enjoy the freedom of self-discovery. Keep your friends close to you. This will help you forget your ex.
Thirdly, stay practical. Don’t go on a spending spree, get drunk, or go on a wild date to make your ex jealous. Keep eating a healthy diet and exercise. Throw away all the reminders of your ex and stay busy. Treat yourself to a makeover, mud facial, or have a massage. Look at it as a fresh start with a better you and brighter tomorrow! Your meant to be will find their way to you soon enough.
Actually, the best designed study to date indicates that nearly 80% of men report that they have never cheated on their wives.
Myth 2: Most divorcing women are jilted by their husbands.
Many studies have corroborated that the great majority of divorces (two thirds to three quarters, depending on the study) are initiated by women. This makes sense because numerous studies indicate that men are generally happier being married than are women, they report less marital frustration and dissatisfaction, and are less likely to consider the option of divorce.
Myth 3: Women bitterly regret divorce.
Most divorced women do not regret divorcing. Moreover, divorced women are generally happier than divorced men. And one large study suggests that many middle-aged women become happier after their divorce. These women showed an increase in positive self-image and self-esteem and were inspired by their divorce to gain more control of their lives. Many enjoyed sex more after their divorce.
Myth 4: Women emerge from divorce more emotionally scarred and psychologically damaged than do men.
This is generally not true. Not only are divorced women happier than divorced men, but they are better off emotionally too. In study after study they consistently outscore divorced men on psychological tests to assess emotional health and well-being.
Myth 5: Ex-spouses are highly antagonistic toward one another, even to the point of acting unethically.
Divorced couples, of course, vary widely in the civility of their interactions. But about half of divorced men and women even describe their relationship with their ex-spouse as friendly or cooperative.
Myth 6: Most divorced men can remarry while most divorced women cannot.
It is true that divorced women are less likely than divorced men to want to remarry (after all, they are happier than the men with being divorced). But both groups do remarry at very high rates--and soon. About 80% of divorced men and 75% of divorced women remarry whether or not they have children, and most do so within three years.
Myth 7: The economic consequences of divorce devastate women more than men.
Women are generally worse off financially in the years immediately following a divorce. This has less to do with divorce than with the fact that women generally make less money than men.
Posted on September 28, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
To achieve a positive outlook and keep the emotional baggage from undermining your life after divorce, you should consider the following five steps to achieve post-divorce happiness:
Acknowledge that you are grieving and deal with the emotions.
Put your children’s best interests first.
Learn about your finances - develop a monthly budget, understand your assets and liabilities.
Think about how you would like your life to look like after divorce and start doing some of those things now, to help you get there.
Prepare for the friend dynamics. It’s not about you, but how friends react to divorce itself.
You can learn more about each of these suggestions by clicking here.
Posted on September 16, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Going through a divorce can affect the mental and physical health of the parties involved. the following tips can help you manage the stress that many feel during this life-altering time:
Recognize and manage your emotional needs
Become physically active.
Don’t dwell on what is beyond your control.
Lower your expectations.
Don’t make decisions on a whim.
Let yourself take in your emotions.
Distract yourself.
Have some fun!
Heal.
Focus on the future!
You can read much more information about each of these tips by clicking HERE.
Contrary to what most people think, uncontested divorce doesn’t necessarily mean instant divorce or simple divorce.
In fact, it can often take quite a while before parties can come to agreement on all issues. And that is precisely what must happen before a divorce can be considered “uncontested”.
Even if a divorce is uncontested (which may simply mean that eventually it achieves uncontested status by virtue of reaching a settlement agreement), it still brings upheaval and change. But it should be less expensive and less acrimonious.
In addition to taking care of “legal business”, there are also financial affairs to untangle and take stock of, even in an uncontested divorce.
Consultation with a divorce financial analyst or other financial professional may be worthwhile step toward reaching a settlement … and toward preparing for the future as a single – or a single parent.
Posted on September 2, 2009 by J. Benjamin Stevens
What is an "uncontested" divorce? This term can mean different things to different people, but typically it refers to a case in which the parties are not fighting over any issues. In other words, they have already lived apart for over one year and they agree on the following issues: division of the marital assets and debts; child custody, visitation, and support; and alimony.
If all of those elements are present, then the parties truly have an "uncontested" divorce. If not, then their case can range from slightly contested to very contested, depending on which issues they are fighting over and how reasonable / unreasonable each party wants to be. If you are facing a divorce, your best step is to consult an experienced family law attorney as soon as possible to find out your options and the best course of action for your particular case.
Conventional wisdom has always thought that living together before marriage increases a couple's chances of divorce, and several studies have reached the same conclusion. However, a new study published in the National Council of Family Relations claims that cohabiting allows young people to get to know their potential mates and evaluate compatibility before they commit to marriage.
Pamela Smock, a University of Michigan sociologist and co-author of this study, said "People want to marry, but they aren't going to do it without finding out enough about the person they are thinking about marrying. They want to find out all the secrets and all the things that might be deal-breakers in order to avoid the risk of divorce."
South Carolina Lawyers Weekly published the following article last month that discussed the types of information that can be found in social networking sites, such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and how that information can be used in Family Court cases. I was pleased to be featured in it, and I hope that you find it helpful.
Divorce Attorneys Are Missing Evidence on Social Media Sites
The undeniable popularity of Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and other social networking sites has opened up a potential treasure trove of legal evidence, especially in divorce cases where a person's whereabouts, "friends," and employment status are often relevant.
But most divorce lawyers are missing the boat. "So few family lawyers even know to look for it," said Melissa Brown, a Charleston domestic relations attorney who has given seminars on the topic. "Family law attorneys are really lagging behind other lawyers and judges," agreed Lee Rosen, a divorce attorney in Raleigh, N.C., who authors the Divorce Discourse Blog.
Rosen, who routinely finds evidence on Facebook, said "most cases where there is evidence of adultery quickly settle," such as where a straying spouse posts incriminating photos or wall messages on his or her Facebook page. In another case Rosen recently tried, a judge admitted evidence that one spouse sent a threatening message in a "friend request" to the other spouse.
And it's not just the other side that lawyers have to worry about. "Divorce lawyers should give a warning to all of their clients about the dangers of social networking during a divorce action," Brown said. Brown has sometimes encouraged clients to take down sites entirely, such as one client whose Facebook page included a photo of her and her boyfriend in a hot tub.
Loose tweets sink ships
Personal information from social networking sites runs the gamut. "In divorce or child custody cases, what we look for is confessions - things they've done, places they've been [and] people they've had their child around," said J. Benjamin Stevens of Spartanburg.
For example, a parent who is restrained from taking a child out-of-state might post photos of visiting Disney World or other vacation destinations with the child. Or, in a custody case that Stevens handled, a father denied drug use but the background of his MySpace page featured marijuana leaves.
A person's Linkedln profile can contain evidence of earning capacity or job prospects that can be useful in disputes over support payments. In one case, Rosen cornered a spouse in a deposition who was trying not to pay alimony by claiming he had no real job prospects after being laid off, while his Twitter messages clearly showed he was about to be hired.
Twitter, arguably the most spontaneous of the social networking tools, can be rife with accidental leaks. "It's so easy. If I'm tweeting from my iPhone I could easily do something I could regret later," Brown said.
Take, for example, the soon-to-be ex-wife of singer Usher who recently tweeted in the middle of her divorce trial that her lawyer was "horrible" and asked where she could find a new one, apparently unaware that she was tweeting to all of her friends and beyond.
"People assume it's all private and they are less cautious about Twitter and Facebook because it's all new and different," said Rosen, who noted that some Facebook users don't pay attention to the privacy settings available and end up posting wall messages that they don't realize are public.
A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who live together before marriage have a higher chance of getting divorced than those who wait until they were engaged or married. It also stated that couples who lived together before marrying reported lower marriage satisfaction, despite the fact that over 70 percent of couples in the United States live together before marrying.
Meanwhile, a study in the Journal of Family Issues, analyzed the reasons why couples chose to live together. The most common answer was because they wanted to spend more time together, followed by convenience, followed by testing the relationship. What do you think? Does living together before marriage increase or decrease the chances that a couple will later divorce?
So what do teens really think when their parents divorce? The Today Show recently had a panel discussion with nine teenagers addressing such subjects as: When did you know? Did you think it's your fault? Were you relieved when you found out? How did your parents explain the divorce to you? How long did it take you to come to grips with the divorce? It is a very interesting discussion, and I hope that you enjoy it.
The recently retired Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court, Leah Ward Sears, wrote a compelling article for CNN.com in which she called for the end of "disposable marriage." Her brother committed suicide, and she suspected that his bitter divorce at least partially contributed to it. Some of key quotes from her commentary are listed below, but I highly recommend that everyone read the whole article:
"As a judge I have long held a front row seat to the wreckage left behind by our culture of disposable marriage and casual divorce ...."
"But no-fault divorce's broad acceptance as an unquestioned social good helped usher in an era that fundamentally altered the seriousness with which marriage is viewed. It effectively ended marriage as a legal contract since either party can terminate it, with or without cause. This leaves many people struggling to remake their lives after painful divorces that they do not want. It also left many parents cut off from, or sidelined in, the lives of the children they love."
"Of course, there are occasions when divorce is necessary. And not everyone should marry. But it has become too easy for people to walk away from their families and commitments without a real regard for the gravity of their decision and the consequences for other people, particularly children."
Time.com recently published a list of Five Facebook No-No's for Divorcing Couples. I have seen all of these in my practice at one time or another. If you are divorcing, please consider not doing the following (before it's too late):
Showing Off :: Pictures or discussions of new purchases or vacations are fun, but they might color the court's view of your finances and affect your settlement.
Letting It All Hang Out :: If you're in a custody battle, your ex's lawyers would love to present you as the nonnurturing type. Delete all the crazy party photos.
Getting Tagged :: It's not just your page you have to worry about. Make sure your friends' photos of you can't be used against you either.
Venting :: Don't talk smack about the lawyers, the judge and especially your spouse — on your page or anybody else's. (You think your kids never use a computer?)
Cutting Off Everyone at Once :: Don't "defriend" in-laws or your ex's friends right away. People need time to adjust. Unless it's really high-conflict. Then go for it.
I have published several articles recently on the subject of cheating, affairs, and marital infidelity. I recently found the following list of "tell-tale signs" that your significant other is cheating on you. The list is written with the idea that the male is the cheater, but of course the logic applies in both directions:
He won't let you see his social media sites. Why won't he accept your "friend request" or let you see his/her Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, Twitter, etc. page?
He only wants to go to new or different places with you, instead of going places that his friends and colleagues are. Is he afraid to bump into someone that knows what's going on?
He doesn't seem to have any friend of the opposite sex. The article says that if no woman is willing to vouch for your man, then it may be a red flag.
He never answers the phone when you call. You might receive calls, texts, etc. from him, but if he never answers your calls, it could be due to his being with someone else.
He only wants to see you at odd hours and/or frequently cancels dates at the last minute.
You never go back to his place – ever.
He has things in his home that seem out of place. For instance, does he have things that seem to be more feminine? Have you seen pictures of another woman or maybe feminine hygiene products?
If you are interested in hearing my interview from the South Carolina Business Review about the effect the economic downturn has on families, you can CLICK HERE.
This interview was broacast on eight NPR radio stations across South Carolina on June 18, 2009. Thanks again to Mike Switzer for having me as a guest on his show.
I was in a settlement conference recently in which the husband's attorney tried to argue that his client's adultery "was really o.k " because my client had suffered from depression and therefore wasn't a great wife. Of course, I pointed out that was baloney and reminded him of the actual defenses to adultery. However, his argument begged the question of whether cheating is ever justified or deserved.
The article questions whether the conduct rendered by "bad spouses" justify the "innocent spouse" seeking romantic companionship elsewhere. It concludes "cheating isn't right, but neither is emotional abuse and neglect." What do you think -- is cheating ever justified? Submit your comments below.
Lawyers USA featured an article late last week about the types of information that can be found in social networking sites, such as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn. The article correctly states that these sites have opened up a potential treasure trove of legal evidence, especially in divorce cases where a person’s whereabouts, “friends” and employment status are often relevant.
Lee Rosen, Melissa Brown, and I were all quoted in this article about the ways that family law attorneys are effectively using these sources of information on their client's behalf – and also the ways that other attorneys are not. If you are facing a divorce or child custody case, or if you are an attorney who handles these types of cases, you should read this article.
My quotes are listed below:
“In divorce or child custody cases, what we look for is confessions - things they’ve done, places they’ve been [and] people they’ve had their child around,” said J. Benjamin Stevens of Stevens - MacPhail in Spartanburg, S.C.
For example, a parent who is restrained from taking a child out-of-state might post photos of visiting Disney World or other vacation destinations with the child.
Or, in a custody case that Stevens handled, a father denied drug use but the background of his MySpace page featured marijuana leaves.
A person’s LinkedIn profile can contain evidence of earning capacity or job prospects that can be useful in disputes over support payments.
After he gained national headlines by being "missing" for five days, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford reappeared today and admitted at a press conference that he's been having an affair with an Argentinan woman for about a year. As part of his statement given at a press conference, Gov. Sanford admitted "I have been unfaithful to my wife," and he said that his wife has been aware of the affair for the last five months.
Gov. Sanford announced that he is resigning as Chair of the the Republican Governors Association, but it is unclear at this time whether he intends to resign as the Governor of South Carolina. When asked that question at the news conference, he walked away from the podium without answering. Also, he may face an investigation, as it appears that he willfully misled his staff, Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer, and the citizens of South Carolina about his whereabouts.
My thoughts are with Mrs. Sanford and the Sanford children as they deal with these difficult issues in a very public forum. You can read more about this developing story by clicking the "Continue Reading" link below.
The impact of social media on the area of family law has been a hot topic recently. I have recently posted several articles about this subject, and this week's Time magazine features an article discussing the impact of Facebook on divorce cases in America.
Social media sites such as MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and many others make it very easy to connect (or reconnect) with other people. Finding someone can often be done in a few clicks. However, this ease of use can cause problems for those looking to disconnect from a relationship. For instance, this article discusses the "semipublic laundry-airing that can turn aggrieved spouses into enraged ones and friends into embarrassed spectators."
Of course, savvy divorce attorneys know that social media sites can be great sources of helpful and often "game-changing" information in divorce or child custody cases. Consider the following examples given in the article:
Did your husband's new girlfriend Twitter about getting a piece of jewelry? The court might regard that as marital assets being disbursed to a third party.
Did your wife tell the court she's incapable of getting a job? Then your lawyer should ask why she's pursuing job interviews through LinkedIn.
What about the mother who assure the Court that she hadn't been drinking, only to have dated photos of herself drinking (and smoking) on her MySpace page?
What about the mother who listed herself on a dating site as single with no kids? How much doubt does this cast on her truthfulness?
What other problems / benefits can arise from social media sites and how do they impact family law cases? Click HERE to read the Time article and also feel free to submit your Comments below to let me know your thoughts.
One of the most important tools for making cooperative parenting work and, for that matter, negotiating any issues in a divorce or raising any matters of concern is to discuss them in a reasonable and non-accusatory manner. In her excellent book, "Mom's House, Dad's House," Dr. Isolina Ricci, suggests applying what she refers to as basic "parent-business principles," when relating to one another. One of these principles is keeping your feelings in check. In a business relationship, feelings may run high, but good business people understand that feelings should not get in the way of negotiating solutions to problems. If many spouses talked to their bosses the way they talk to their partners, they'd be fired on the spot.
In a business relationship one of the keys to success is to be solution focused instead of focusing on blame or past mistakes. For example, if a couple are negotiating how they should share taking children to after school activities, it is more productive if the parties focus on working out a plan that realistically accommodates their schedules and provides certainty for the children than trading accusations about how one parent was always too busy to get involved before the divorce and why are they now suddenly showing an interest.
However, applying "parent-business principles" is often easier said than done when the relationship has broken down in a hail of accusations and re-criminations and your ex-partner knows exactly what buttons to push. Even in the best relationships reasonable demands (e.g. How many times do I have to ask you to...) can be met with tit-for-tat accusations in which there is no winner. In a divorce situation, especially where children are involved, acrimonious conflict serves no-ones best interests. While you cannot change the past, you can change the way you communicate.
One of the reasons dialogue gets out of control lies in the way requests are made. They often involve you statements which feel like a first line of attack and invite defensiveness or a counteroffensive. They are guaranteed to start an argument.
"Polite Requests" involving I statements are a way of making a non-threatening requests for change. They begin with an "I" statement where you identify and take responsibility for your feelings and thoughts. They are an integral part of making a "Polite Request."
YOU STATEMENT = "You are always late".
I STATEMENT = "I get very frustrated when I have to wait for you."
"I feel/felt ______________________ (insert feeling or word) when __________________________ (this happens) and what I'd like is _________________ (insert your request)
This is what an "I" statement sounds like:
"I feel angry when you let our son watch R-rated moves, and what I'd like is for you to leave him with me when you want to go to an adult movie."
"I feel worried when Tasha comes home smelling of smoke and what I'd like is for you to consider smoking outside."
If the going gets tough and meaningful and courteous communication becomes difficult or breaks down, Dr. Ricci makes the following suggestions to minimize conflict:
Make communications direct and formal and if necessary use email or leave voice messages.
Keep the agenda to what is best for the children.
Avoid the temptation to push buttons.
Try to acknowledge the other parents positive contributions.
Do your job as a parent, let him or her do their job as a parent.
Be reliable and live up to your side of the bargain. Do what you are going to say.
Be flexible. If he or she wants something, maybe you can trade.
For parents with children, negotiating a complicated divorce can leave even less time for the kids, regardless of the custody outcome. No matter what agreement is reached in regards to their care, your added stress will undoubtedly take some of the focus away from their needs. Learn to recognize the signs that your child is being affected in a way that needs your attention.
Most of us take it for granted now days that a divorce will affect the kids, and for good reason, because it most certainly will. While this fact may never outweigh the reasons for the separation, it certainly doesn’t mean that you can afford to ignore their needs. In many ways tending to these needs may be straight forward, like balancing travel and making sure everyone gets to their activities on time. But in other emotional avenues there may not be a clear road map.
Remember they’re your children.
No one knows your children better than you do, and as time passes and changes being to happen, you will almost certainly begin to notice changes in their behavior and outlook as well. Adjusting to the difficult changes that a divorce brings is something that everyone involved will have to do. Just remember that you don’t want to overlook their needs when you are tending to your own.
As I previously posted, I was interviewed recently on WYFF about the effect that the economy is having on divorces in South Carolina. You can read the text of the story "Too Poor for Divorce" by clicking here, or you can view the video below:
WYFF, our local NBC affiliate in Greenville, SC, ran a story yesterday which analyzed the effect of the economic recession on divorces in South Carolina. I was interviewed for this story, which you can see HERE.
I noted that there has been a drop-off in the number of divorce filings over the last fifteen months, which was verified by the South Carolina Judicial Department. In fact, the number decreased each and every month in 2008 except October.
I explained that "people are always going to get divorced" but that "until the economy rebounds I think it'll continue in that same trend." The reporter, Mark Allen, did an excellent job with this story, and I enjoyed participating in it.
To help children get through this difficult time, he suggests that parents understand that sadness is normal and that it's actually good for the children to get it out. He also recommends that parents talk with their children, and to do so lovingly and in a reassuring manner. Mr. Neuman has developed a Letter Writing Exercise for Kids to help them express their feelings. If you or someone you know is facing this situation, I highly recommend that you view the materials on Oprah's website by clicking here.
South Carolina Lawyers Weekly reported in its January 19, 2009, edition that "A Divorce Fast" has withdrawn its business from South Carolina after numerous complaints from its customers and an investigation from our state Attorney General's office.
This company advertised in the attorneys section of telephone books in numerous cities around the state (including Greenville and Spartanburg), offering an email service that purported to allow people to download divorce forms. Apparently, it charged fees from $125 to $500, but it then failed or refused to provide follow-up service after the sale to its customers.
Even worse, the forms that were downloaded were often inadequate or incomplete, which resulted in its clients basically wasting their money and still being left trying to represent themselves. As is the case with many of these "money saving schemes," I suspect that many people end up paying much more trying to resolve the problems caused by their attempt to save a few dollars in the beginning.
According to the article, "A Divorce Fast" has agreed to reimburse all of its customers in South Carolina that the Attorney General's office investigators can locate within a year. If you or someone you know has fallen victim to this company, you can contact the Unauthorized Practice of Law Section of the South Carolina Attorney General's office at (803) 734-3606.
Can South Carolina grant me a divorce if I was married in North Carolina?
Answer:
The State in which you were married does not have anything to do with the State in which you can get divorced or separated. If both you and your spouse have lived in South Carolina for more than three months (or either one of you for over a year), then SC will have jurisdiction to address your separation/divorce case.
Posted on December 30, 2008 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Question: I have been married four months, and I love my husband completely. We have had our share of arguments, and he has now told me that he wants a divorce. I do not want to divorce, because I think our problems are fixable and are not uncommon in marriages. Is there anything I can do to not let my husband divorce me?
Answer: The short answer is "no." In South Carolina, if one spouse wants a divorce, he or she will be able to obtain it, regardless of whether the other spouse agrees. It is always a sad situation when one spouse wants a divorce but the other does not, but you must face the reality that this will happen if he chooses to pursue it, and you should take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your interests accordingly.
While divorce proceedings may pose a great burden upon parents, they often have a disproportionate affect upon children, who may not fully understand the process. Parental separation can fundamentally shift a child's nascent world view, requiring careful steps to ensure that children are able to soundly cope with the divorce. Although the divorce itself might emerge from personal issues unrelated to children, it is crucial that parents remain focused upon helping children transition during the process:
Encourage open communication from your children. Although the complete scope of the process might immediately escape children, it's important that you take time to allow a child to express his or her feelings about the event. This is a way in which you can both come to understand outside viewpoints, as well as providing you with an opportunity to reach and explain the situation in a manner that resonates with the child. If you have multiple children, it's important to speak to them both individually and collectively, as each child is likely to have a different, personal response to the events unfolding, depending on their age and personality.
Ensure that all children have a stable social safety net throughout the process. Since the fundamental role of the family is to provide a safe setting in which children can learn and grow, it's important that one continue to provide this level of support even during parental separation. Ensure that children are in a safe environment and remain outside any legal or argumentative environments that might surround the divorce; if you understand with your spouse around children, remain friendly and amicable, independent of your internal feelings. Always reach out to your broader, extended social network so that children feel comfortable – allow them to spend time with friends, relatives and counselors so that they have feelings of stability in spite of the changes around them.
Maintain continuity in your own personal life so that you can remain a strong parent. In order to help children cope with a divorce, it's important that one ensure stability in all facets of life, from work to friendships. By maintaining an equilibrium in your life, you can ensure that you'll bring a balanced approach to keeping your life in order so that you can remain strong for your children. It may be beneficial to spend time with a counselor so that you can work through any anxiety or feelings that you have, in order to ensure a proper outlet for those emotions; while it's okay to express yourself around children, one should also ensure that emotions are kept in check and expressed in a structured fashion so children feel comfortable. In order to help children remain strong during a divorce, each parent has to be strong independently.
Keep legal challenges outside of the child's daily life. Although court proceedings are a core part of any divorce, children should not have to grasp the details of the legal fight. Instead, keep the legal details separate from your relationship with your children. When working out a legal settlement, always keep the best interests of your children in mind, as those considerations should trump any financial or situational disputes that might arise in the proceedings. Even during the direct divorce proceedings, ensure that you have enough time to devote to nurturing and taking care of your children.
Allow children an expressive outlet to ensure their lives are well-balanced. While no divorce is fun for children, it's important to ensure that children continue to have elements of joy in their life, from celebrating parties with friends to enjoying time off from school on the weekends. Take time away from the bustle of daily life to take your children to a park or to a nice dinner out with relatives so that they can continue to find enjoyment in life, in spite of the larger situation.
This guest post was written by Maya Richard, who currently blogs about cell phones. She can be reached via email as mayarichard@gmail.com.
Posted on November 12, 2008 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Today, I am pleased to present the following Guest Post from Kelly Kilpatrick:
A divorce is a complicated procedure, legally, financially and emotionally. It’s up to you to make the process as smooth as possible in order to prevent unnecessary stress and expenses. If you’re going through a divorce or contemplating one, here’s what you mustn’t do:
Don’t change lawyers midstream :: It’s your personal prerogative, but changing lawyers anytime during the divorce proceedings adds to the already enormous expense through extra procedures and more time. Make it a point to investigate your attorney carefully before you hire him or her and get someone whom you trust right from the word go, someone who’s both experienced in family law and who comes highly recommended.
Don’t get too emotionally attached to your attorney :: If your attorney’s the caring kind, you may end up literally crying on his or her shoulder unable to take the mental stress any longer. It’s not advisable to get too close emotionally to your attorney because it complicates the process even more. Also, there are laws that prohibit a client and attorney from getting involved romantically or sexually for the duration of the case.
Don’t take financial issues for granted :: Don’t take your future finances for granted once you’ve decided on a divorce. Talk to your spouse about who gets the house, how taxes are going to be paid, how credit card debts are going to be resolved, how joint accounts are going to be handled, how much child support is enough, and about other financial aspects that are likely to affect both of you. If you go through this process as amicably as you can, you’re both going to save a ton of money.
Don’t make your kids suffer :: Just because you no longer get along with your spouse, there’s no reason to take it out on your kids. They’re already going through a rough patch knowing that their parents are about to get divorced and that their life is going to be a sort of tennis match where they’re the figurative balls being batted from one parent to another. Don’t take out your frustrations on them or abuse your spouse when they’re around. Make them understand that even though you both are splitting up, you still love them a lot.
Don’t indulge in physical relations with your spouse :: If your decision to divorce is final and there’s no room for a permanent reconciliation, it’s best to refrain from having sex with your spouse. You may still be living under one roof and sexually compatible, and if the divorce is amicable you may feel that there’s no harm in sleeping with each other as long as no one else knows. But there are emotional complications that will mess up your divorce and leave you with more issues to contend. If you’ve agreed to separate, keep it that way in the bedroom too.
In my opinion, one of the very best family law bloggers is Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog. All of his posts are intelligent, well written, and thought provoking. Fortunately for him, Michael is blessed with a very successful practice, but that's unfortunate for his readers because he is not able to post as many articles as we'd like.
Michael published an article last week which listed the following five problems that contribute to divorce along with his suggestions on dealing with each of them. I have summarized his list below, but I encourage you to visit his blog and read his full post:
Money :: Try to get on the same page early, be fair about how the money is controlled, and attempt to understand and accommodate your spouse’s views on money.
Communication :: Communicate deeply and often with your spouse.
Lack of Commitment :: Don't be too self absorbed or tied to instant gratification.
Physical Addictions :: Intervene early and get professional help if your spouse has a substance abuse problem.
Sex :: Infidelity is generally a sign of other problems in the marriage, not the original problem.
This past summer, Robert Kisselburgh published the following article on his Mississippi Family Law Blog:
When you divorced, did you modify your estate plan?
For many couples going through divorce, the focus is on the divorce process and its aftermath. With the wave of emotions involved in the divorce, many forget about their estate plan. Ask yourself some simple questions which apply both during and after the divorce process.
Do you want your soon-to-be ex-spouse making the decisions are to your medical care should you become disabled?
Do you want your soon-to-be ex-spouse to get all your money should you die?
Have you updated the beneficiary forms for your life insurance?
Have you updated the beneficiary forms for your retirement plan?
Have you updated your Will removing your spouse as a beneficiary?
Have you updated your trusts removing your spouse as a beneficiary?
Most individuals forget about their estate plan during and after the divorce. Unfortunately, this might lead to unintended consequences, such as an ex-spouse receiving money you don't want them to have. That is why it is important to talk with an estate planning attorney during the divorce process, or at the very least, immediately following the divorce to ensure that your property is protected and passes to those you cherish most.
Note: If you have questions about your estate plan, contact an experienced attorney (including my law partner, Paul MacPhail) to discuss your options further.
Noted private investigator, Bill Mitchell, Seven Day Detective, published an article last week explaining ten clues that can indicate that your spouse may be having an online affair. I have listed Bill's tips below, but you should click the link below to visit his blog for much more information about each of these items:
If your spouse or partner spends excessive time surfacing the internet.
Are passwords, instant message “buddy lists”, internet email accounts and emails concealed - even protected from you!
If your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach.
If the computer and monitor are always positioned to avoid your scrutiny.
If internet history is cleared every day, including chat sessions, instant messaging or your spouse downloads software that automatically rids this information.
Finding computer use after you go to bed, when you fall asleep or in the middle of the night?
Your Spouse exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted to stop.
Your spouse shares personal information, photos or events with strangers online.
Plays online games and frequents “personals” chatrooms.
Exhibits the eight warning signs illustrated in “The More You Know – Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship.”
Posted on September 4, 2008 by J. Benjamin Stevens
If you are facing a separation or divorce, you should read the article by Christina Laun, which contains 100 tips and resources. Some of her tips are listed below, along with a listing of the other categories covered in this excellent article.
Accept that it’s over. Your divorce may have come as a surprise and you may not be the one that wants the split, but hanging on to a relationship where one partner isn’t committed is just going to make you more miserable in the long run. Start learning to accept that your marriage is over and thinking about your life after the split.
Set realistic goals. Like with any breakup, it’s going to take time to get over your divorce. Set personal goals for yourself that are both challenging and realistic to help you get back on track.
Get to know the laws of your state. Depending on the state you’re in, what you’re entitled to after a divorce can vary widely. Read up on divorce law in your state to find out what you’ll be facing in court.
Protect your assets. You may think it can’t happen to you, but some spouses have drained joint accounts, racked up huge expenses and more when they know divorce is on the horizon. As soon as you can, dissolve joint accounts, resolve life insurance policies and make sure other valuables are in a secure, third-party location until the divorce is over.
Be open and honest with your children. If you have children, be honest with them about what is going on. Avoid laying blame and talking bad about your spouse, however, as this will only serve to confuse and hurt children.
Keep it civil. You may be fighting mad at your spouse but screaming at them and being unnecessarily mean won’t make you feel any better. Keep things as calm and as civil as you can.
Be reasonable. Marriage is all about compromise and so is divorce. Be reasonable in what you expect to take away from it so neither of you end up with additional animosity towards one another.
Seek out support. Going through a divorce can be rough and you’ll likely need the support of friends and family to get through it. If you don’t feel you can talk to them, find a support group or therapist where you can vent.
Hire a lawyer you trust. Getting a good lawyer is essential to not getting taken for a ride during your divorce. Try to find someone that your friends and family can recommend or whom you feel comfortable with.
Don’t settle for less than you’re entitled to. It may be tempted to cut negotiations short just to get things over with, but taking less that you deserve will hurt you in the long run. Keep negotiations calm and collected and follow through to the end.
Avoid forcing children to choose sides. No matter who is at fault for the divorce, children are going to love and want to be with both parents. Don’t force children to choose sides or use them to pass on hurtful messages to your spouse.
Keep yourself healthy and rested. With all the stress from a divorce it can be hard to make time to eat right, get enough sleep, and generally take are of yourself. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by doing this, however, so set the time aside to tend to your own needs.
Don’t say or do anything you don’t want to show up in court. You may have a lot of choice words for your spouse, but during a divorce it’s probably better to keep them to yourself. You never know what may be used against you in court.
Question: My husband left about three month ago, and he and I haven't had any contact since then. How long must I wait before I can file for divorce?
Answer: If you have only been separated for 90 days, then neither of you can file for a divorce yet, unless one or more of the fault grounds (adultery, alcohol/drug abuse, or physical abuse) are involved. If there is no fault, then you must live apart for a year before you can file for a divorce. However, you can file for a legal separation now, and in many situations, it is a smart idea to do so and protect yourself and your assets, rather than simply doing nothing for a year.
Question: I have been separated from my spouse for 4 months. I would now like to start dating again. If I do so, can my spouse pursue a divorce from me based on adulery? I am concerned because I don't want to lose my house.
Answer: You have several issues referenced in your question. If you are "legally separated" (meaning you have been issued a Decree of Separate Maintenance from the Family Court), then none of the financial issues addressed in that Order will be changed by any adultery at this point. However, if you are only physically separated (meaning you are simply living apart from your spouse), then any adultery at this point will most liklely have an effect on how the financial issues in your case are decided. Finally, if you are still married, your spouse can file for a divorce on the ground of adultery whether you are legally separated or not.
Question: My wife's attorney recently served me with papers seeking a contested divorce. I now live in a different state from my wife. My wife knows that I have already retained an attorney in the same state in which she lives, but her attorney served the papers on me anyway instead of sending them to my attorney. Do they have to send these papers to my attorney since he has been hired to represent me, or is it my responsibility to deal with them?
Answer: In South Carolina, when a Family Court action is filed, the pleadings are almost always served on the other party, because the attorney usually does not know whether or not that person has hired an attorney. In many cases, people claim that they have an attorney, when in fact they do not or when they have only met for an initial consultation. If the other party really is represented by an attorney, that person can authorize his/her attorney to accept service of the pleadings on his/her behalf. In any event, all you need to do in this situation is simply forward the papers to your lawyer for him to review and handle for you.
Some people are just determined to make divorce as painful and unpleasant as possible. Cristi Trusler of the excellent Austin Divorce Help blog published an article containing the following traits and characteristics that these types of people display. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
Lie. :: It's critical that you and your attorney trust each other. So why not lie to them? That's really a great strategy.
Get your kids involved. :: Divorce is unpleasant enough on it's own. If you really get your kids involved and start using them against each other it's easy to make it much, much worse - on you and your kids. So go ahead, get a good custody battle going. Make your kids miserable. (If you pursue this strategy, I recommend saving money for therapy.)
Start dating immediately. :: If you'd like to make your spouse even less willing to try to reach an agreement, then start dating - and make sure you tell them about it.
Raid the bank accounts. :: This is a great way to let everyone know that you are the "bad spouse." Cut your spouse off from all your assets and don't let them have any money to live or to hire an attorney.
Start making big purchases. :: Spend, spend, spend. This one does two things. First, it's just more stuff to try and divide during the divorce. Second, since money is often an issue in divorces in the first place, it can give you just a little bit more to argue about.
Don't do anything. :: If you really want to frustrate everyone, including your own lawyer, don't do anything. Don't call anyone back. Don't respond to emails or letters or show up for meetings.
Don't listen to your lawyer, get legal advice from your friends and family. :: This is a personal favorite of mine. I know you hired an attorney to guide you thought this legal matter, but he or she couldn't possibly know as much about the law as your aunt Dorothy who has been divorced 3 times.
Hire the most expensive attorney in town. :: There are some attorneys in town that won't even talk to you unless you can pay at least a $25,000 retainer. If you really want to nuke all your family's financial resources while fighting with your spouse, make sure you talk to one of these lawyers.
Hire the cheapest attorney in town. :: This is the opposite end of the spectrum. I was always taught that things were cheap for a reason.
Obviously, no reasonable person would act this way or do any of these things. Divorces can be difficult enough under the best of circumstances, so don't make things any harder than needed on your spouse (or yourself).
According to an article recently published in The (Montreal) Gazette, divorce rates increase as the stock market plunges. The article offers many different explanations, it seems that the key explanation is that the lack of money during bad economic times highlights problems in an already troubled marriage. It should come as no surprise that money has always been a major factor in matrimonial harmony or disharmony. If it seems that divorce is unavoidable, then you should consult an experienced family law attorney to ensure that your interests are protected.
Earlier this week, I published an article which explained ways to protect your finances before your divorce. This post contains more excerpts from the article published Ask The Advisor which looks at the impact of divorce on credit, specifically with regard to your finances and your credit history.
When facing a divorce, it is easy for emotions to overwhelm you and prevent you from focusing on protecting your finances. Some people do not adequately protect their financial interests during the divorce, but the following steps can help repair the damage done in these situations:
Check Your Credit Score :: This is something you should do at least once a year, but it is especially important after major life events. By checking your credit score you can see if your credit has been adversely affected by your divorce. It will also show if there are any debts that you used to share with your spouse that are now being neglected. This will point you in the right direction when it comes time to cancel any joint accounts.
Separate / Cancel All Joint Accounts :: Even if you ended your divorce on very bad terms, you simply must have a sit-down with your ex. Any and all accounts, debts and property that you still share should be separated, canceled or sold. In other words, you must separate your finances like you have separated your relationship. This can be most easily accomplished with your former spouse's help. If he/she won't help, it is time to call your lawyer. Either way, your financial ties must be severed.
Notify Creditors of Your Divorce :: Once you have separated/canceled all of your joint accounts/debts, you are no longer legally bound to your former spouse's current debts. Call all of the creditors who have been bothering you and alert them to this fact. In a perfect world, they would apologize for the inconvenience and never call you again. However, it may take awhile before such calls cease entirely. In addition to notifying the proper collectors, you should right a letter to them as well. That will help them to expedite their file updates.
Going through a divorce can be one of the most significant financial events that you will experience in your life. Not only is a divorce the breakup of an interpersonal relationship, it is also the end of a financial relationship. The excellent financial information blog Ask The Advisor published an article which takes a close look at the impact of divorce on credit, specifically with regard to your finances and your credit history.
As soon as you decide to separate from your spouse, you should begin to take steps to protect your credit, including the following:
Assess Your Responsibilities :: You need to be aware of all the accounts you are responsible for, including bank accounts, mortgage loans, credit cards and utilities. Even if you and your spouse have decided who gets what property, you need to make sure that the right person is solely responsible for their respective belongings.
Dissolve All Joint Accounts :: Rather than trying to divvy up what is owed on your joint accounts and asking your ex to honor their half, you should remove the right person's name from the accounts or cancel them completely. Make sure the both of you do the canceling together, legally. The first place to start is the bank, as most couples share checking and/or savings accounts when they are married. Also, if you are taking possession of one car with both of your names on the note, have your spouse's name removed. Make sure that your spouse does the same thing with any property they take. (If you are still paying for any of this property, then you may have to refinance to get the loan down to one name.) Any bills you paid together, such as your utilities, should be put in one name. As for credit cards, you can try to work with the credit card company and have them transfer half of the balance to two different accounts in anticipation of the divorce.
Sell the House :: A common mistake that people make is giving their house to their spouse after the divorce. This may be due to abandonment or perhaps a well-intentioned arrangement because there are children involved. However, the best thing to do is to sell the house together and divide the profit. After all, no one can predict the future. Countless divorcees have found their credit ruined because their ex let their house go into foreclosure. Explaining to creditors that you are now divorced won't make you any less responsible for a mortgage with your name on it.
Divide Any and All Shared Cash :: In the process of allocating debt, canceling accounts and selling property, you and your spouse will probably be left with some liquid assets. You should, perhaps with the assistance of your divorce lawyers, fairly divide that cash before you walk out of each other's lives. This is the legal, sensible and ethical thing to do.
Document Everything :: Once the courts become involved and your divorce is finally underway, make sure that all of your financial arrangements and agreements are documented. That way, if there are any discrepancies down the road (such as a creditor bugging you about your ex's car payments), you can refer anyone to your official court records. While this may not be a surefire way to get a collector off of your back in a timely manner, you will have the law on your side and the means to protect or restore your credit.
The following is a Guest Post from Ruth Folit, President of Chronicles Software, which explains how their program LifeJournalcan be utilized to help you in your Family Court case:
Do you want to your win your divorce or custody case? Divorce lawyers tell us that keeping good notes is key to winning your case. When you tell your story in court—and the other side denies your allegations—your detailed, dated notes about your spouse’s or ex-spouse’s behavior will offer solid evidence that strengthens your case.
LifeJournal, journal software, is an easy and effective way to safely keep your notes.
LifeJournal, which runs on your Windows computer’s hard drive, lets you securely record and organize your notes. You can password protect your journals, making the journal private. Additionally, the files are encrypted, so that your can feel even more secure that others won’t be able to read your journal.
LifeJournal automatically enter the time and date of each new entry. LifeJournal lets you assign topics to entries, so you can quickly search for particular entries—by date, by topic, and more. You can print out a set of journal entries and give them to your lawyer.
You may also want to keep a journal for working out the emotional issues that often emerge during a divorce. However, divorce lawyers warn that it’s best not to include your personal writings with your notes that you’ll bring to court. LifeJournal has a solution. You can create two different journal writers, so that the two journals—the journal for court documentation and the journal for personal use—are separate.
KidsHealth.org has published a website, A Kid's Guide to Divorce, which contains lots of helpful, therapeutic information for children of divorcing families. As you might expect, the information presented at this site is clean and simple. Some of the topics covered are:
What Is Divorce?
Kids Can't Cause Divorce!
Kids Can't Fix Divorce!
But I Feel Like My Whole World Just Fell Apart!
Life After Divorce
When To Speak Up
The Future
If you are going through a divorce, you should check it out to see if it is right for your kids. You can visit the site by clicking HERE.
Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages.
Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing. The reasons for this are not well understood. In part, the type of people who are willing to cohabit may also be those who are more willing to divorce. There is some evidence that the act of cohabitation itself generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, for example the attitude that relationships are temporary and easily can be ended.
Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood.
Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born. Couples who have a child together have a slightly decreased risk of divorce compared to couples without children, but the decreased risk is far less than it used to be when parents with marital problems were more likely to stay together “for the sake of the children.”
Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man’s improves by forty two percent. This dramatic inequity, one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences, was later found to be based on a faulty calculation. A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was twenty seven percent while the man’s gain was ten percent. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades.
When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce—and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type—the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.
Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. Marriages of the children of divorce actually have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from intact families. A major reason for this, according to a recent study, is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. In the children of divorce, the sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage has been undermined.
Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. The evidence suggests that stepfamilies are no improvement over single-parent families, even though typically income levels are higher and there is a father figure in the home. Stepfamilies tend to have their own set of problems, including interpersonal conflicts with new parent figures and a very high risk of family breakup.
Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. All marriages have their ups and downs. Recent research using a large national sample found that eighty six percent of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, and stayed with the marriage, indicated when interviewed five years later that they were happier. Indeed, three fifths of the formerly unhappily married couples rated their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy.”
It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower.10 Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be "badly behaved." Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.
Adultery is still one of the leading causes of divorce in South Carolina, and many of these affairs begin online. Noted private investigator Bill Mitchell has published an article discussing the following 10 Clues of An Online Affair:
Your spouse or partner spends excessive time surfacing the internet.
Passwords, instant message “buddy lists”, internet email accounts and emails are concealed or even protected from you.
Your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach.
The computer and monitor are always positioned to avoid your scrutiny.
The internet history is cleared every day, including chat sessions, instant messaging, or your spouse downloads software that automatically rids this information.
Your spouse uses the computer after you go to bed, when you fall asleep, or in the middle of the night.
Your Spouse exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted to stop.
Your spouse shares personal information, photos or events with strangers online.
He/she plays online games and frequents “personals” chatrooms.
Your spouse exhibits the eight warning signs illustrated in “The More You Know – Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship.”
The housing market is terrible these days. In fact, it is so bad that some couples who want to divorce are faced with the difficult and unpleasant decision to (a) postpone their separation/divorce until the housing market rebounds, (b) continue to reside together during the divorce because neither can afford to move until the house sells, or (c) sell the house now for much less that it may be worth.
I have had this exact situation arise in several cases over the last year or so, and it is a difficult problem to work through. Fortunately, we can usually find a workable solution, but the fact remains that the down market is making an already tough situation that much more difficult for many people
Why do people get divorce? Though every couple's relationship is different, the reasons that they split up usually are not as varied as you might think. I came across an article which listed five main reasons of divorce, and I would concur that these encompass the vast majority of all divorces:
Communication Problems. A couple may already be experiencing communication problems even before their marriage. Expectations may not have been made clear or certain issues that could affect a marriage were not brought up. Discussing feelings about aspects that are personally important is also crucial but may not always be practiced by couples. Some couples may put little weight on pre-marital issues only to realize during marriage that they should have clearly set things in black and white or that hey should have been better listeners. Communication issues before marriage can get worse after getting married.
Financial Issues. Another major cause of disagreement between married couples is, of course, financial matters. Married couples could squabble over such issues as shared financial responsibility, unequal financial status, undisclosed financial state, over spending and lack of financial support. Evidence suggests though that money is not always the sole or primary cause of divorce. Nonetheless, it is still a significant factor. Again, the lack of communication over financial issues is the real culprit here and not money per se.
Forms of Abuse. All forms of abuse are possible causes of divorce. This does not just include intentional and habitual physical battery. Abuse may also come in the form of sexual abuse and emotional abuse. One partner may actively seek to degrade his/her partner through harsh language. In some cases, abuse can also be in the form of a spouse abusing drugs or alcohol or excessive gambling. There may be no physical or verbal abuse but the other partner would understandably have a difficult time managing finances and daily life with an addicted spouse.
Marital Infidelity. Marriage is a mutually exclusive arrangement between two parties. This is of course unless both partners privately consent on their own to see other people while remaining married to each other. Otherwise, one may seek to divorce a spouse if evidence of infidelity is clearly obtained.
Sexual Problems. One essential aspect of marriage is sex. Couples are expected to consummate or perform the act. That is unless a person knows and accepts before marriage that one partner has some sexual problems. In some cases, sexual dysfunction or disinterest may begin after tying the knot. If a couple is unable to resolve this, it may become a reason for divorce.
NBC's Today Show featured a story this week on asking your spouse for a divorce, which included interviews with lawyers, counselors, and divorced spouses. If you or someone you know is considering separating or divorcing, it is well worth viewing.
MyFox Chicago aired a report last week on the ways that new technology has worked its way into divorce cases. The description for their report is listed below
Going through a divorce has rarely been easy. But these days, high-tech tracking devices are making it easier than ever for things to get ugly. Cell phones, text messages, and GPS devices are getting more spouses in trouble than ever before. Larry Yellen tells us how more people are deciding that all's fair in love and divorce.
This story was both interesting and well done. You can view the story by clicking HERE.
Sometimes even the best marriages don't work out and divorce becomes inevitable. However, that does not mean that war must also inevitable. For instance, consider the current divorce case by actor Robin Williams.
Mr. Williams and his wife have agreed to have a "respectful" divorce. Specifically, they signed an agreement to remain respectful of each other during their court proceedings, which states
We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this process to achieve the future well-being of our families. We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process and agree to seek a positive way to resolve our differences justly and equitably.
In a perfect world, all divorcing parties would approach the dissolution of their marriage in such a mature, constructive manner. The parties and their children would fare better, and the cases would generally proceed much quicker and cost less.
A local candidate for County Council finds himself the target of public accusations of breaking up another man's marriage. The husband claims that the politician had an affair with his wife, and he has been driving a truck around town with a large placard that says "__ WHO IS RUNNING FOR COUNTY COUNCIL DIST. 1 HAD AN ADULTEROUS AFFAIR WITH MY WIFE __." (Note: I am omitting the names of those involved for this post, but they can be found in the article specified in the link below.)
The politician claims that he was only helping a longtime friend who was in an abusive relationship. He and the wife both deny that their relationship was sexual in nature. However, the husband was granted a divorce from the wife on the ground of adultery last November, and a private investigator reported seeing the wife and the politician at his home, a restaurant, and a hotel in a nearby town. Further, the investigator claims that he saw the wife and the politician kissing.
I previously posted a discussion of how nasty divorces can become when they involve a public figure. This case is a peek into the deep hurt that a spouse can feel when he believes (rightly or wrongly) that his spouse has cheated on him and how tough it is to let those feelings go, even after divorce. I have found that people get over these feelings at varying rates, and unfortunately some never do.
In many cases, clients want "revenge" against their spouse and/or the paramour. I caution my clients against such conduct, and I urge them to consider the short term "good feeling" that they might get from such conduct and to weigh that against its long term consequences. Once they do so, they see that it is simply not worth it to seek such revenge.
For instance, what if the parties in this news story have children? What if the husband causes the politician to lose the election, but he is still not satisfied? Where will it all end? I would venture to guess that it will end up back in court -- unfortunately that could be any combination of family court, civil court, or criminal court.
The news media is abuzz this morning about former actress and playwright Tricia Walsh-Smith's YouTube video in which she rants about her divorce case. Apparently, she is upset that she signed a pre-nuptial agreement, and she has chosen to air all of her husband's dirty laundry in public via YouTube.
Is this a good idea? Not in a million years! All she is doing is putting information out there that at best will irritate or anger the judge and at worst will be give her husband additional ammunition to use against her in the divorce case. I can only imagine how upset Ms. Walsh-Smith's attorney is this morning at the mess his client has created for herself.
This is a perfect example of a divorce party having a half-baked idea and then acting on it without thinking through all of the ramifications. I had a case years ago where my client's wife had cut off one sleeve on all of his business suits. It probably made her feel better at the time, but she certainly was not laughing once the judge had his say on her actions.
The following tips can help you get a fair divorce and save you a great deal of time, stress, and money:
Once you have made the difficult decision to end your marriage, begin to focus on the financial issues as soon as possible.
Get a good attorney to ensure you receive an equitable settlement, and get the best attorney that you can afford.
Remember that most states determine the value of the marital assets (including retirement accounts) based on the date the case is filed with the Court.
Consider when to file your case and whether it might be worthwhile to file sooner or later if you know when significant financial events will occur, such as receiving a bonus at work.
If the mortgage is listed in your name (or both name) and your spouse will receive the house, insist that he/she refinance to remove your name from the mortgage as soon as possible.
Make copies of all recent financial statements, so that your attorney will have an accurate listing of the accounts, balances, etc.
A researcher has found that young female lawyers and other women professionals have slightly higher divorce rates than their male counterparts.
Law professor Robin Fretwell Wilson of Washington & Lee University is the author of the study. She says her study indicates that "women can't have it all because there is a social stigma to having or being a stay-at-home spouse."
Wilson spoke with the Wall Street Journal about her findings, based on her analysis of 100,000 young professionals in business, law and medicine. She found that 10 percent of women with law degrees were divorced, compared to 7 percent of male lawyers.
Wilson’s study, which will be released next week, also found that female professionals are up to three times more likely to remain unmarried than men.
Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett, who conducted research on high-achieving women in 2001, theorizes that highly educated women have higher divorce rates than their male counterparts because they are attracted to successful men, and can’t give these men the care and support they need.
Hewlett has this advice for well-educated, high-earning women: Look for a husband who is particularly loving and supportive.
Divorce is not easy. There are many pitfalls and traps awaiting parties that have not educated themselves about the process. People often make bad decisions under stress, or without the guidance of an experienced lawyer. Don’t be one of them. Divorce law isn’t rocket science, but it isn’t always intuitive. Avoid the following 10 divorce pitfalls to get a better result.
During your divorce, you should NOT:
Lie to your lawyer: We are here to help you. Your communication with us is privileged, meaning we can’t tell others about it, except in certain child abuse scenarios. The more we know, the more we can help. We need to know everything, the embarrassing, the ugly, and the secret. If you have a drug, alcohol, or gambling problem, tell us. You have two options: (1) Disclose and likely hear from your lawyer that your secret or problem is irrelevant to the court process, or (2) Fail to disclose and have your case hurt at trial because the other lawyer knows facts you haven’t told your lawyer.
Lie to the court: If you have a trial, the result is directly affected by your credibility. Judges are generally experts at determining who is telling the truth, and who is lying. Not only is lying to the court a crime, but your lawyer may have a duty to stop the proceeding and tell the court if he or she knows you are misrepresenting facts! If you have areas of your case that are sensitive, work with your lawyer on what you are going to say, but don’t misrepresent.
Involve the kids in the process: If your case involves a custody or parenting time dispute, nothing will draw the wrath of the court faster than involving your kids in the dispute. Don’t talk to them about the case. Don’t use them as pawns in the battle against your spouse. Don’t use them as your therapist, or treat them as your peers. Don’t put your spouse down in front of the kids. You are not only harming your case, you are harming your children.
Hide or fail to produce documents: You have an absolute right to see your spouse’s financial documents. Your spouse has an absolute right to see your financial documents. I have seen many cases that could have been simple turn complex and expensive when someone decides to not voluntarily produce records. The court can force you to produce records, and order that you pay your spouse’s lawyer fees incurred in getting the records. Good clients and good lawyers produce documents quickly and voluntarily. I had a case where we asked for some email records from the other side. They did not produce them, and when we filed a motion to compel their production, they tried to tell the court that they had been destroyed. The stunt seriously impacted the opposing lawyer’s credibility with the court.
Refuse to cooperate with a court appointed expert: In divorce and custody cases, experts called “custody evaluators” are routinely appointed to gather information about a family and make a recommendation regarding an appropriate parenting plan. If one is appointed in your case, cooperate. Be on time for appointments. Treat the expert with appropriate respect. Ignoring the requests of the evaluator can seriously harm your position and credibility with the court. An evaluator will likely make negative assumptions about you if you cannot comply with a court’s order to cooperate.
Settle without analyzing your case: Divorce can be unpleasant and emotionally painful. One reaction is to try to get it over quickly. Do not give into the urge to be done with the case before you have a full understanding of the assets and what a fair distribution looks like. You don’t want to be in a position where you are contemplating settlement and your spouse knows more about the assets than you. Prepare and go over a proposed distribution of assets and liabilities with your lawyer. Make sure you know the nature and extent of the assets, and get additional discovery if you don’t. Do not settle prematurely, before you know what is fair.
Fail to try to resolve the case outside of court: Don’t settle early without analysis, but also don’t fail to try to settle. Good lawyers and reasonable people settle most divorce cases without a trial. Many clients benefit from mediation, either through the county courthouse or through a private mediator. Our experience has been that many very difficult settle in mediation with the guidance of a trained expert mediator. You should always consult with your lawyer during the process to make sure you are getting a fair result. Settling also means you choose the outcome rather than have a judge impose an outcome on you. Parties that settle are generally happier long term, and have less ongoing conflict. Even if the other side is unreasonable, you should still make an offer to create a record of your position.
Take out your stress in unhealthy ways: This is the wrong time to up the drinking or other unhealthy behavior. Expect stress from the conflict and plan for it. Take out your stress in healthy ways, like at the gym, sports, or in talking to friends or a counselor. Don’t take it out on your children, or your body through unhealthy behaviors.
Be economically irrational in negotiations: At some point in every case it costs more to continue arguing than what is at stake. Approach your case with a business like mind. Are you really winning if you spend $1000 on lawyers to argue over a $50 lamp? Some (bad) lawyers insist on arguing about every point, without regard to cost. Every issue is a new battle front. A request to resolve one issue results in two more contested issues. In our opinion, these lawyers don’t serve their clients well. Pick your battles. If it costs $1000 to argue over something you can replace at Target for $20, buy a new one, and focus on what is really important.
Be your own lawyer if your case is contested and your spouse is represented: Many judges dislike unrepresented parties. Even experienced divorce lawyers hire experienced divorce lawyers for an objective opinion. Many unrepresented people who think they have a great case find out otherwise after a judge rules against them because they can’t tell the judge everything they want to because of the rules of evidence. If you disagree over property or custody, and your spouse has a lawyer, seek representation.
One of the five grounds for divorce in South Carolina is desertion. The elements that must be proved to get a divorce on the ground of desertion are:
No cohabitation for one year;
Intent of person that left not to resume cohabitation;
Absence of consent by the other person; and
Absence of justification for the separation.
However, this ground is rarely used these days, since the mandatory separation period for a "no fault" divorce was reduced from three years to one year many years ago.
Question: How long do I have to wait after my divorce before I can legally remarry?
Answer: There is no mandatory waiting period in South Carolina that one must wait after a divorce, so as soon as you are legally divorced, you are able to remarry. However, it is very important to note that you are not actually divorced until the Judge signs the Divorce Decree, which does not necessarily take place at the final hearing.
Posted on December 13, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
When you get a divorce, you are not only ending a relationship with your spouse, but you are also dealing with financial issues and time with your children. This process can be stressful, lengthy, and expensive, but with a little planning, you can avoid the following five common -- and costly -- pitfalls:
Being Unprepared
Not Seeking Financial Advice
Asking for the House
Rushing to Court
Failing to Untangle Your Assets
You can click here to read much more information about each of these potential mistakes. If you are facing a divorce, you owe it to yourself to read this article to make sure that you don't make one of these common mistakes.
Posted on December 12, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Consider the following good, common sense advice:
If you’re like most people facing divorce, you have more questions than information. Even if you and your spouse have agreed on all of the terms of your divorce, you’ll have to follow specific legal procedures to formally terminate your marriage.
Every divorce case is different, and specific laws vary from state to state, but divorce cases generally follow one of two paths:
The parties may reach an agreement, submit that agreement to the court for approval, and receive a divorce decree ending their marriage and setting forth the terms they’ve agreed upon; or
If the parties can’t reach an agreement, the case will be scheduled for a contested hearing, where a judge will consider evidence like financial records, witness testimony, and expert reports on issues like valuation of property and custody arrangements.
There is no substitute for planning, and planning for your divorce can make the process go smother, lower your lawyers fees, and help ensure you emerge on the other end of the case ready to move forward, and with the least amount of emotional and financial damage. The following “Top 10 things to do if you are going to get divorced” is from The Oregon Divorce Blog for those considering divorce:
Consider your other options: While not appropriate in every case, consider if you really want to be divorced. If not, talk to a marriage counselor or other professional who can explore saving your marriage. If the process works, great! If the process does not work, you can at least get help discovering what went wrong, how to cope, and how best to move on.
Consult with and retain a family law attorney: Clients often make strategic mistakes prior to filing. For example, moving out of the family home, even briefly, can impact a custody and parenting time case. We blogged about the difference between consulting a lawyer and retaining a lawyer before. Make sure you at least consult so you know your rights, and how to avoid shooting yourself in the foot.
Copy documents: Your case will be smoother and your fees lower if you have a copy of all essential documents to provide to your lawyer. Obtain copies of pay stubs, tax returns, retirement account statements, bank statements, car and boat titles, real estate documents, insurance polices, etc. If you or your spouse uses financial software to track expenses, save a copy of the file.
Inventory your personal property: Go room to room and make a list of major items of value. You do not need to inventory every muffin tin, but you may end up out of the house for a period of months while the case progresses, and you may forget what is there.
Get a copy of your credit reports: Getting a credit report is very useful in identifying debt, accounts, and what accounts are open and closed. Pull a copy of your report from each of the three credit bureaus or a tri-merge report and your lawyer will thank you.
Establish your own credit and source of funds: If you do not have credit in your own name, apply for them and get several. You will need to establish your own separate credit history, and do not want to be in the position of having your access to funds cut off. If there is a joint cash account, consider splitting it and transferring ½ to a separate account in your sole name.
Keep the kids out of it: Getting ready for a divorce can take lots of time and energy. Make sure the kids don’t suffer any more than necessary by making them the first priority. Do not put them in the middle. Do not argue in front of them. Do not badmouth your spouse in front of the kids. Keep their routines as normal as you can. Stay connected (or get connected) to their activities at school and after school. Courts take a dim view parents that put kids in the middle of the conflict. Just don’t do it.
Know your finances: Make sure you know what you make and are capable of making, what your spouse makes and is capable of making, and where the money goes each month. What are the credit cards? How much is owed? Where are the retirement accounts? Can you earn enough in your current job or will you need your spouse to support you for a period of time? If your job involves travel, will you need a different job without travel if you don’t have a spouse to watch the kids while you are gone? The more you know about the finances the easier it will be to communicate with your lawyer. Knowing the finances and having a plan helps put you in the best position after the divorce is over.
Manage debt: This could be the worst time to increase your debt level. Unless your lawyer tells you otherwise, don’t make major purchases. Don’t go on shopping sprees. Some lawyers advise their clients to contact joint creditors and have accounts closed, or limits reduced to prevent the accumulation of new debt during the divorce.
Take care of yourself: Divorce can be a very stressful experience. Take care of yourself, even before anyone files. Work out. Find a support group, either through your friends or a formal divorce support group. Consider getting counseling. Many clients choose to get into counseling to help with the process, and report back that it was helpful.
A divorced spouse is generally eligible to collect Social Security benefits based on the ex-spouse’s record of work and earnings, said Lita Epstein, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Social Security and Medicare, but it’s not automatic and you should contact the Social Security Administration to see if you’re eligible.
To be eligible, you must clear some hurdles. Following is a summary of the general rules:
Your marriage had to have lasted at least 10 years.
You must be at least 62.
You’re not married.
The ex-spouse must be at least 62.
In general, you won’t automatically receive benefits. Kurt Czarnowski, regional communications director for the Social Security Administration, said “we’re not at the point where you have automatic enrollment in Social Security” in such circumstances.
So visit your local Social Security office or call the agency toll-free at 1-800-772-1213. In the interview process, you’ll be asked whether you’ve ever been married, which will lead the agency to see if you’re eligible for benefits based on another’s record of work and earnings.
Assuming you’re eligible, you’ll receive a monthly benefit based on your record, or on your ex-spouse’s record, whichever will pay you more.
A few other points:
If you have been married more than once, and each marriage lasted at least 10 years, you’re generally eligible to collect Social Security benefits based on either ex-spouse’s record of work and earnings — whichever will pay you more, Epstein said.
If you’re divorced and your ex-spouse has died, you may be eligible to collect a survivor’s benefit based on that ex-spouse’s record of work and earnings, Czarnowski said. Contact the agency to check on the rules and to see if you’re eligible.
There are lots of rules and other details regarding a divorced spouse and eligibility for Social Security benefits, too many to list here.
For more information, read “Social Security: Understanding the Benefits” and “Social Security: What Every Woman Should Know.” (Note: This booklet includes information that applies to both men and women.) For a free copy, visit your local Social Security office, call the agency toll-free at 1-800-772-1213, or visit the agency’s Web site: www.socialsecurity.gov.
Posted on November 19, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Several months ago, CBS' The Early Show took at look at "changes taking places in modern divorces." Their report focuses on the advantages offered by mediation as opposed to traditional litigation, and it includes three to five minute videos included on the following topics:
Fight-Free Divorce
Divorce Among Senior Couples
Preventing A Divorce
If you are interested in these topics, it is worth spending a few minutes reviewing these videos.
Posted on November 14, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
New clients often ask their lawyer how they can help ensure a good result in their divorce and/or custody cases. The following tips from Jeanne M. Hannah can help clients obtain good results and often save money in their cases:
Be prepared. Clients can gather documents and information about important financial issues, which will help save your lawyer time, which will typically save you money.
Be flexible and prepared to accept change. Understand that financial resources can become stretched during a divorce, and the ability to compromise can be invaluable in helping reach a successful resolution in your case.
Be truthful with your attorney. Your lawyer's ability to help you is only as good as the information that you provide to him. If you fail to provide accurate and truthful information, you are only hurting yourself.
Prepare to use specialists. You will generally obtain better results if you use a lawyer who doesn’t dabble in family law. Sometimes, other specialists may be needed to help with various issues in your case, such as counselors, financial planners, business valuation experts, CPAs, and/or child specialists.
Ask your lawyer for recommendations to a specialist. Your attorney can typically refer you to well qualified experts when the need arises.
Make a list of the goals, needs and interests that are important to you, ranking them in order of importance. Once you draft your list, verify that they are realistic, and then focus on them and don't get distracted.
Be empathic to your spouse’s position. By keeping all avenues of negotiation open, you can determine the other person's goals and thus what motivates him/her to settle.
Reduce conflict. The more you can work to reduce conflict and work toward a solution, the more you can reduce your cost in any case. Also, you should remember that conflicts consume not only money, but also energy.
Remember, this isn't the end of the world. At the end of the day, you want to be able to walk away, to take a break, and to start over while holding your head high, knowing that you handled things in the right way.
You can read much more about each of these tips by visiting Ms. Hannah's blog.
Posted on November 12, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Choosing the right attorney to handle your family law matter can make a significant difference in the outcome of your case. Knowing what "type" of attorney to choose (and not to choose) can make the process easier on you and can result in a faster, better outcome. Consider the following article by Victor J. Medina on this topic:
I recently fielded a phone call from a business colleague who told me that she had referred me to a friend for matrimonial work. She mentioned that when she was getting a divorce she found that her attorney became too adversarial and impeded the progress of the divorce. She told me that, from her perspective, the divorce attorneys were making it about themselves and not about the clients.
I cringe when I hear that kind of story. One of the hallmarks of our practice is that the client and his/her needs are at the forefront of our minds when dealing with the case. I’ve often told many clients in an initial interview that I have no ego in the case. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve swallowed insult after insinuation about me and my firm because retaliation would have been counterproductive. This type of pliability in a negotiation is necessary because the goal is more important than maintaining ground in the ego game.
I also often have clients come in asking “Are you a fighter? I need a bulldog on this…” or “I really need someone who is collaborative…can you work with my ex’s attorney?” - I usually respond, kindly, that (1) yes, our firm can be all those things and (2) at this point, I’m not sure anyone knows what they’ll need in a divorce. A general way to state it is that they’ll need an attorney who can respond to the situation and can be what the circumstances warrant. I think there are a select few attorneys who can do that - at least in what I’ve encountered on the other side of the table. Most attorneys have one mode and have a reputation for being one thing. Those are the easiest attorneys to deal with (even the screamers) because you know what you’re getting from then and they’re rarely creative in their approach. That is, I almost never have to worry about not seeing the next move coming because it’s all so predictable. On the other hand, the crafty attorney is the one that never approaches the situation from the same angle. I’m on my toes with those attorneys because, having practiced that way myself, I know how crafty they can be.
The short of it is this - when you look for a divorce attorney or someone to handle your post-divorce family law matters, such as custody or support enforcement, seek out those attorneys for whom flexibility is a hallmark. In any divorce “battle”, you may need air strikes, sea power, diplomacy or a combination of four other things. If you restrict yourself to an attorney or law firm that specializes in air power with all the latest bombers, you’ll be vulnerable to the ground attack and may not avoid war altogether.
Was the war analogy too much? Just trying to get the point across.
The following tips can help make your divorce case easier, less stressful, and less expensive:
Locate, organize and copy all financial records. Make one copy for yourself and a second for your attorney. Save the originals.
Close all joint bank and brokerage accounts. If that’s not possible, freeze access to the accounts.
Close all joint credit accounts. Open new accounts in your own name.
Maintain a written record of all expenses run up during the separation. This also includes joint expenses such as bills paid and home improvements or auto maintenance.
Establish your net worth. Keep a record of all income during the separation. Save pay stubs, bank and brokerage statements.
The forced sale of stock or other investments is likely to have tax implications. Consult your financial planner as needed.
Before the settlement conference, make a list of what you seek right down to household goods.
If there’s something you know your soon-to-be ex wants in the property settlement, don’t give it away in a hopeless effort to establish goodwill. Use it as a bargaining chip and trade it for something you want.
Settle out of court. This will cut legal costs and ease your jangled nerves.
The American Bar Association's Section of Family Law publishes charts in its Family Law Quarterly which summarize the basic laws in each state by topic, including custody, alimony and grounds for divorce. These charts are current as of November 2006, and they are useful as a quick reference to both attorneys and clients. Charts are available on the following subjects:
USA Today recently published the following five common mistakes couples make when they separate their finances and tips on how to avoid them:
1. Hanging onto the house at all costs.
Many couples scrambling to obtain a divorce settlement wish to keep the house at any cost. However, financial experts say that more attention should be given to who can afford to maintain the property, pay the mortgage, and manage the taxes. While it is possible to ask for spousal support to help make the mortgage payments, unexpected maintenance costs may pop up, and make home ownership more of a liability than a luxury.
2. Failing to make a clean financial break.
Clean separation of assets and debts is another difficult task, but one that Howard Dvorkin, the founder of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services says is absolutely necessary, or the consequences can be devastating. Although the task may seem insurmountable, “the alternative is much worse,” says Dvorkin. “Having a spouse drive up your debt when you’re not married anymore” can seriously affect one’s credit score.
3. Counting on your ex to honor financial commitments.
Depending on your former spouse to comply with financial arrangements is also a huge mistake, according to this article. Although both parties in a divorce are beholden to a court-ordered divorce agreement, creditors do not fall under that arrangement. If your ex spouse is supposed to pay the mortgage, but doesn’t, “the lender is going to sue both of you,” remarks Melissa Avery, an Indianapolis family law attorney. If your ex fails to pay the mortgage, you may be hurt when applying for future loans.
4. Forgetting to change your will and beneficiary forms.
Wills and trusts can also be seriously impacted by divorce proceedings. If divorced spouses wait unnecessarily long to change a beneficiary on a will, for example, the money may go to the wrong person — your new spouse may get nothing, while your ex spouse inherits the amount provided for in your will.
5. Overlooking taxes.
Finally, NEVER forget which amount of money in your divorce settlement is alimony, and which amount is child support. Whereas child support payments are not taxable to the recipient, alimony payments are. Furthermore, there are limits to how long a person can receive such payments — child support payments can no longer be received once the child turns 18 or is done with college, while spousal support generally ends once the recipient remarries.
Technology is changing the way that people divorce. In the old days, if you suspected your spouse of being unfaithful, you would hire a private investigator, who would follow your spouse to see exactly what he/she was up to.
Today, there are many options available to those who suspect their spouse may be cheating. For instance, The New York Times published an article that looked at digital evidence, such as email messages, history of Web site visits, and cellular telephone records. Better private investigators now frequently use GPS tracking systems to gain information to aid in their surveillance.
Parties sometimes even use somewhat "questionable" methods of obtaining information about their spouses' activities, such as hacking into email accounts, loading spy software onto computers, and/or placing recording devices on phone lines. I should point out that these types of methods could result in liability for criminal prosecution and should therefore be avoided.
In my practice, I have noticed that cheating spouses will often take steps to attempt to cover their tracks. For instance, they may clear their call histories on their cellular phones, delete their internet history, delete emails from both their inbox and trash folders, and/or change their passwords on various accounts.
Resourceful attorneys can issue subpoenas to obtain the opposing party's cellular telephone records, credit card records, and even bank account records to help uncover an unfaithful spouse's activities. I regularly discuss these types of issues with my clients in certain types of cases, and these methods can yield fruitful results.
If you want more information on this topic, you should read "Tell-All PCs and Phones Transforming Divorce" by Brad Stone, published in The New York Times. As mentioned above, this article gives several real world examples of how parties and attorneys are dealing with these evolving technology issues in divorce cases.
Too many people don't know what to look for when they are considering which divorce lawyer to hire. Most people who are interviewing family law attorneys are in a very stressful situation, typically one that they have not been in before. Making an important decision during a particularly stressful time can be a recipe for disaster.
DivorceZone published an article that can be helpful to people facing this situation. This article points out that not all lawyers are created equal, and I would add that not every lawyer is "right" for every case. It is more important in family law cases than other cases that the attorney and the client have a good, working relationship and understand each other. This article lists the following important points to consider when hiring a divorce lawyer:
Specialization. The reality is that the law is extremely complicated and no lawyer, not even a so-called “general practitioner” can really master more than one or two main areas of law. Divorce law itself grows more and more complicated each year. You should choose a lawyer who practices primarily or exclusively in the area of divorce and family law.
Knowledge. Given the high hourly rate you’ll be paying your divorce lawyer, you don’t want to have to pay to give your lawyer a legal education. You want a lawyer with substantial knowledge in divorce and family law issues, who already knows the law and how it applies to your situation.
Experience. There are a lot of complexities to divorce law that you can’t simply learn from a book. For instance, often being able to determine the correct range of alimony that’s appropriate in your case is simply the result of seeing many cases with similar facts. While every divorce case has its unique twists, you will come out ahead if your lawyer has substantial experience.
Good Communication. The biggest beef clients have with divorce lawyers is that their lawyer does not return their telephone calls, emails or other communications promptly. You should find out what a prospective divorce lawyer’s office policy on this. Also, see how long it takes for your prospective lawyer to return your initial call – this will give you a good idea as to the level of service you can expect.
Local Knowledge. Part of the job of a divorce lawyer is to know the attitudes of the local judges and how best to tailor your case for them. As well, even if you never set foot inside a courtroom, it is helpful if the lawyer has experience dealing with your spouse’s divorce lawyer.
Time. Does the divorce lawyer limit his practice to just a few select cases so that he can concentrate on his clients and give them good service, or do they take all clients who walk through their doors? The reality is that the amount of work to resolve successfully the issues arising from a divorce can be quite substantial, and your lawyer will need the time to deal with this.
Fit. It’s important that you and your divorce lawyer get along well. This doesn’t mean that you have to be good buddies with your divorce lawyer and want to invite them to dinner. However, you’ll be going through some of the most difficult experiences in your life with this person. You’ll be revealing some of the most intimate details of your personal and financial situation to this person. Your relationship with this person will last quite a long time. So, it’s important that you’re comfortable with your divorce lawyer.
Compassion. It’s important that your divorce lawyer be understanding of what you’re going through. Are you just a file number, or does your lawyer really care who you are and what you want?
Independent. Ultimately, your divorce lawyer’s job is to fight for you and your rights. However, many lawyers have political ambitions or care more about getting along with other lawyers than giving zealous representation. You want an independent lawyer so that your needs are not sacrificed so that your lawyer can avoid irritating a colleague.
Plan of Action. Is your divorce lawyer able to articulate a plan of action that they are going to take to resolve your case? If not, you will find that your case just seems to amble in no particular direction, raising your legal fees without accomplishing much.
This is the final installment in the excellent series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Divorce Preparation: Step 13 - Be Good:
Well, we have finally reached the last step in this series of posts on practical steps to consider when you may be facing divorce. I will wrap up the series with two more posts to conclude and summarize the series. But, first, the final step which may seem a bit silly.
It is simply this: Be Good.
Here is the principle: you are about to be under a microscope. You are reading this blog, so I assume that you may be facing a divorce and you'd like to that unpleasant process to be as amicable as possible. Unfortunately, that is not always possible. Your spouse may not share that objective for some reason. They may be influenced by others (lawyers, friends, etc.) that convince them that what you are offering is not fair.
So, there is a chance that your case will end up going to trial no matter how diligent you and your lawyer are about trying to work the case out fairly and quickly. That being said, you should not put ammunition in the gun for your spouse to use against you.
That means no dating, no carousing, and no partying. If custody may be an issue it means making the children your number one priority (they should be that anyway, right?). Even things that are perfectly legal and harmless any other time can be twisted to look suspicious or worse in the hands of your spouse’s lawyer.
Suppose for example that you go out for dinner and drinks with members of the office to celebrate a fellow employee’s birthday. This sounds harmless enough. But, in a custody case these questions may be asked: While you chose to go out drinking with your friends, your spouse was at home taking care of the children, correct? Are you having a romantic relationship with Joe/Jane who was also at the party? How many drinks did you have that night? This is something you routinely did during the marriage, isn’t it (i.e. choosing social events over your family)? You drove home that night under the influence of alcohol didn’t you? Etc.
You get the point. This is a silly example, but why even open yourself up to this line of questioning. Don’t put the judge in the position having to decide whether you are telling the truth that this was a harmless and isolated event.
Spend time with your kids, work, stay around the house, exercise, and attend to your spiritual life. Be above reproach. Be Good. Come to think of it, Its not bad advice whether you are facing divorce or not.
Many cases can get settled simply by getting the parties together to talk. This type of informal meeting is called a "settlement conference." The following steps can help you prepare for a settlement conference and improve the chances of its success:
Identify the issues in your case.
Understand how the law affects your case.
Know the estimated costs of trial.
Remain open to unique opportunities.
Keep a few secrets.
Be determined.
Be ready for a little give and take.
Be patient.
Get it in writing.
You can read much more about each of these steps by clicking here.
This post will follow up yesterday's post about the losses that children suffer when their parents divorce. Today, we will look at ways parents can help their children cope with divorce. The fact is that parents can have a positive impact on this process, if they will do the following:
Reassurance – Reassure them of your love, and your ex-spouses love for them. Remind them frequently that your divorce had nothing to do with them, that they are not at fault, and that your love for them will never change.
Flexibility – Be flexible to meet your child’s needs above your own. If your ex has visitation scheduled for a weekend when your son has a soccer game, let your ex go to the game, and you stay home. Try to work together to meet your child’s needs, and not get petty with visitation scheduling.
Respect – Never, never, never, speak badly about your ex in front of your children. Always be respectful of your ex in words and actions in front of your kids. If you want to sound off, do that with your friends, never your kids.
Curtail Dating – I believe that when you make the decision to divorce, you also make the decision that your kids come first. Don’t begin dating and introducing new people into your kids lives. It will only add to more loss. If you feel the need to date, do so when the kids are visiting your ex, or when they in bed at night. Your time is limited, and it should be spent with your kids. Only introduce someone to your kids if you are engaged and plan on marrying again.
Fake It – Sometimes you won’t feel like being kind towards your ex, and that’s when you’ll just have to fake it. Put a smile on your face, be respectful and nice. Remember, the gift of kindness you are giving is not for your ex, it is for your kids. They need that gift most of all.
In her article, The Devastation of Divorce, Trish Berg states that children of divorce suffer a myriad of losses when their parents divorce. Ms. Berg says that it’s difficult to understand the impact divorce has on the children's lives until we examine the losses they suffer in this process. She lists the following five main losses children experience during divorce:
Loss of Dad - When parents divorce, typically the dad leaves the home, and may not be present much in the lives of the children. This causes an emotional vacuum for the children, and they may feel rejected, alone, and unloved, no matter how much the single parent loves them.
Loss of Money – When dad leaves, so does a lot of the money. Economic resource are, at best, cut in half, at worst, single parent families live in poverty.
Loss of Security – Kids of divorce often move to a new, smaller home, in a new town, with a new school. They now have to visit their dad. If mom and dad then begin dating, an entirely new stress is added to their lives. Their sense of stability and security is shaken as their world has forever changed.
Loss of Harmony – Many kids whose parents divorce feel caught in the middle. The fighting may have stopped, but now Mom may talk negatively about dad, and dad may gripe about mom, all in front of the kids. Parents may play games with visitation, and hold the children as emotional ransom. This loss of harmony causes tremendous chaos and stress for kids.
Loss of Simplicity – Life for children of divorce can get very complicated. They have to schedule everything they do, and remember what weekends they are visiting dad so they don’t play in a soccer league with games then. They have to split heir holiday time - Christmas Eve with dad, Christmas morning with mom. And when life events hit, they have to worry about mom and dad being in the same place. Who will come to my eighth grade graduation? Will they see each other? Will they fight? Family life is now complex and chaotic, and that will last for the rest of their lives.
Note from Ben Stevens: While I agree with many of Ms. Berg's points, her article presumes that the mother will have custody of the children. Of course, as I have discussed previously on this Blog, that is not necessarily the case. Fathers who are active in their children's lives have a good chance of getting custody, if they sincerely desire and take the proper steps to do so.
Cheating spouses now have one more way to get caught in their philandering. Electronic toll collection systems are emerging as a powerful means of proving infidelity. Attorneys can obtain records from these services and use that information to prove that a spouse was not where he/she claimed to be.
The Associated Press reports that agencies in seven of the twelve states surveyed indicated that they would provide electronic toll information in response to court orders in criminal and civil cases, including divorces. Even if the state agency refuses to provide the information, it can frequently be obtained from the other spouse through the normal discovery process.
This is the twelfth installment in the excellent series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 12 - Consider Hiring a Private Investigator:
We continue our series on practical steps to consider when you are facing an imminent divorce. We are now on to Step 12 - Consider hiring a private investigator.
Alabama law does consider “fault” when deciding how to divide property in a divorce. Additionally, depending on the facts, adultery can affect custody determinations.
If your spouse is committing adultery, then you are better off having proof of it then not. This is the case even where you fully intend to settle your case. In fact, often having proof of an affair is what gets the case settled at terms that are fair to you.
It is not fun to find out your spouse has cheated, and you may be like many of my clients who have said they would rather not know. But, you should think carefully before making that decision. Talk to your lawyer. Assuming you’ve chosen a good one, listen to their advice. If you are going to get proof of it, now is the time. Your lawyer should be able to talk to you about the costs involved (it is not cheap) and how to improve your chances of making the surveillance effective, should you choose to go that route.
Reasons to consider filing your taxes separately from your spouse:
You don't trust your ex. When you sign a joint return, you can be equally liable for all taxes, penalties and interest owed. If your ex-spouse doesn't pay, the IRS can come after you for the whole amount. However, you might be able to claim innocent spouse relief if your spouse greatly understated his or her income and you had no way of knowing that when you signed the return.
Your ex owes back taxes, back child support from a former marriage or has defaulted on federal student loans. If you file jointly under such circumstances, any refund you may be entitled to may be put toward your ex-spouse's debts.
One of you has a low income but very high deductions. In this case, it may make more financial sense to file separately.
If you file separately, you forfeit the following credits and deductions:
Earned income tax credit (EITC)
Child and dependent care credit
Adoption expenses credit
Hope and lifetime education credits
Qualified tuition deduction
Student loan interest deduction
Ability to deduce some of your Social Security benefits
The following factors determine which parent gets to claim the children as dependents on his/her tax returns:
Unless there is an agreement or order stating otherwise, the custodial parent – that is, the parent with whom the child lives -- normally takes the dependency exemption when you file separately.
The custodial parent can sign a formal release enabling the non-custodial parent to claim the child. This often makes sense if the noncustodial parent earned the most income during the year.
The dependency exemption cannot be divided, even if the children lived with each parent one-half of the year. Only one parent can claim the exemption for each child.
Unlike with alimony payments, child support payments are not deductible to the parent who makes them, nor is it treated as taxable income of the parent who receives them.
Even if you decide to file separately from your spouse, you must still cooperate with him/her for these tax issues, for the following reasons:
You must put your spouse's name and Social Security number on your return, so the IRS can match up both your returns to see if there are any discrepancies.
You either both have to itemize or you both have to take the standard deduction.
If you do itemize, coordinate who takes which deductions that you normally would have taken together as a couple.
If you file jointly, decide before filing your return just how you'll divvy up the refund or the tax bill, and consider put any such agreement in writing or make it part of a court order.
1. Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages.1
2. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.
Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing. The reasons for this are not well understood. In part, the type of people who are willing to cohabit may also be those who are more willing to divorce. There is some evidence that the act of cohabitation itself generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, for example the attitude that relationships are temporary and easily can be ended.2
3. Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood.3 4. Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born. Couples who have a child together have a slightly decreased risk of divorce compared to couples without children, but the decreased risk is far less than it used to be when parents with marital problems were more likely to stay together “for the sake of the children.”4 5. Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man’s improves by forty two percent. This dramatic inequity, one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences, was later found to be based on a faulty calculation. A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was twenty seven percent while the man’s gain was ten percent. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades.5 Continue Reading...
This is the eleventh installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 11 - Keep a diary:
This post continues are series on practical steps to take when a divorce is imminent. We are now on Step 11: Keep a diary/calendar.
It is important to documents all of the major events that occur until the divorce is final. Your lawyer will likely want your help in reconstructing a chronology (a list in order by date) of the major events that led to the filing of the divorce. Additionally, you should begin keeping careful records of new events and incidents as they occur. Simply note the date, what happened and any witnesses that may have observed it. In the unfortunate event that your case drags on, events will begin running together and your memory may fail you. Don't rely on it.
Instead, keep an ongoing diary. Then provide this to your lawyer periodically so he is aware of any significant facts in your case.
I should note that you really should discuss this recommendation with your lawyer before implementing it. Some lawyers may not want you to have an ongoing record like this because it could be obtained by the other lawyer during the discovery phase of the trial (something that could have a negative effect on your case). Or, they may want you to take certain steps to attempt to protect it from begin discoverable by the opposing lawyer. These are technical legal issues beyond the scope of this blog. Suffice it to say that you need to talk this over with your lawyer first.
Numerous studies have found that people who grow up in a broken home have an increased risk of developing depression or having problems with anxiety later in life. However, MSNBC.com reports that a new study suggests that divorce may not be the root of the offspring's depression after all, but rather that the cause of the divorce and the depression might be the same: shared genes.
The study's lead author, Brian D’Onofrio, an assistant professor of psychology at Indiana University, said, “This study suggests that the increased risk of emotional problems in the offspring of divorced parents is due to genetic risk shared by parents and their offspring. This is contrary to what a lot of people have assumed in sociology and psychology.”
However, Prof. D'Onofrio cautioned that this doesn’t mean that divorce has no impact on children. His research found that divorce led to an increased risk of alcohol abuse in people who grew up in broken homes. One of his earlier studies found that other problem behaviors could also be traced to divorce, such as skipping school, getting into fights and stealing.
Last week in Ray v. Ray, the S.C. Supreme Court found that the wife's actions rose to the level of extrinsic fraud when she engaged in a scheme to hide assets from the court, using an unknown third party not subject to discovery during the divorce proceeding. The Court found that Chewning v. Ford Motor Company does not limit extrinsic fraud to conduct perpetrated by attorneys. An act of perjury or concealment of a document coupled with an intentional scheme to defraud the court justifies the setting aside of a judgment due to extrinsic fraud.
Question: I decided a while ago that being married is just not for me anymore. When I told my husband about my feelings, he moved into the guest room in our house, and we have now been sleeping in separate bedrooms for about six months. I read that there is a waiting period in South Carolina for a no-fault divorce. If we have been living in separate bedrooms and not having sex, will the Court count these last six months toward the required waiting period?
Answer: In South Carolina, you must live apart for over one year in order to get a “no fault” divorce. Living apart means that you must live in separate residences under different roofs. In other words, living in separate bedrooms in the same house does NOT count toward the one year requirement.
If you have already decided that you do not want to be married anymore, then you should act to protect yourself and your interests. If any of the following factors apply, you should consult an experienced family law attorney to discuss whether you will benefit from obtaining a legal separation:
You have any significant assets, including real estate, retirement accounts, a business, investments, etc.;
You have any minor children with your spouse;
Your spouse has committed a fault ground for divorce (adultery, physical abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, etc.);
You suspect that your spouse’s financial situation may worsen in the near future; or
You suspect that your spouse may dispose of marital assets or incur additional debt in the near future.
One of the most frequently overlooked areas of family law is that of tax consequences. Many family law practitioners do not fully understand the in's and out's of the applicable tax laws, which can result in their clients having unwanted "surprises" down the road. Alan Pearlman of the Chicago Family Law Blog recently published the following article, which does a great job of analyzing and explaining the major tax issues for property division, child support, and alimony that divorcing parties should consider.
Prior to filing for divorce, various federal tax considerations should be reviewed due to their potentially profound implications. Among the major issues commonly covered in a divorce decree or agreement are: alimony, sometimes referred to as "spousal" or "separate maintenance" support; division of property; and child support. Each has its own tax treatment and implications.
Division of Property
Most divorces involve a division of the property owned by the couple. Such a division of property is not usually a taxable event, i.e., neither owes taxes nor gets a deduction from income because he or she receives certain property as a result of the divorce.
There are, however, tax implications following divorce that affect future taxes. More specifically, selling personal and real property in the future may require spouses who received such property (pursuant to a divorce) to pay taxes in connection to that property.
Personal and real property have a "basis" for federal tax purposes. The basis is usually the purchase price of the property. When the property is sold later, the amount by which the sales price exceeds the basis is called "capital gain." Capital gain is usually taxable at special rates. Thus, when property distributed pursuant to a divorce decree is subsequently sold by the receiving spouse, the receiving spouse may be required to pay taxes on the proceeds of the sale.
For example, in a divorce, the wife may receive the family home while the husband might receive stock or other investments equal in value to the house. If the house has a lower basis than the stock, when both are sold, the husband could end up with significantly more money, because he owes less capital gains tax.
On the other hand, under tax law applicable at the beginning of 2004, the first $250,000 (for individuals) or $500,000 (for couples) of the taxable gain on the sale of a qualifying personal residence is exempt from tax. In light of these tax issues, selling the house before the divorce, then dividing the proceeds, might make more sense.
Child Support
The parent who is granted custody of the child or children from the marriage, usually receives a set amount of money per month as "child support." Child support payments are not includable in the taxable income of the receiving spouse and are not tax deductible by the spouse making the payments.
If the written agreement or divorce decree orders both child support and alimony and the spouse making the payments pays less than the required total amount, for tax purposes, the child support obligation is deemed paid in full first. Only money exceeding the amount of the child support obligation is treated as alimony.
Alimony or "Spousal Support"
In general, for federal income tax purposes, alimony and "separate maintenance payments" are "deductible" from the income of the spouse paying and includable in income for the recipient. "Deductible" for federal income tax purposes means it is subtracted from a taxpayer's gross income before taxes are calculated, resulting in lower taxes. Taxpayers with a threshold amount of deductions must file a particular form with the IRS when paying income taxes and list such deductions.
Between the time a couple separates and a divorce decree is granted, one spouse may pay money for the support of the other spouse. These payments are deductible as long as they are made pursuant to a decree, court order or a "written separation agreement." In order for alimony payments to be deductible, federal tax laws and regulations require the following:
The payments are made in cash, check or money order (no promissory notes, transfers or use of property, transfer of services, etc.) to the spouse, or to a third party in lieu of alimony at the written request of the recipient spouse, stating the payments are intended as alimony, and the request is received before the tax return is filed
The divorce decree, order or the written agreement of the parties does not identify the payments as something other than alimony
The spouses do not file a joint return with each other
The spouses are not members of the same household when the payments are made, if they are legally separated under a decree of divorce or separate maintenance – separation within the family home is not sufficient
There is no liability to make the alimony payments after the death of the recipient spouse – if part of the payment amount continues after death, that portion is not deemed alimony, and if all of the payment continues, none of it is alimony
The alimony payments are not treated as child support
There are some actions anyone can take to improve their chances of having a more favorable outcome and avoid some of the problems that occur during a divorce. Seven of the best tips from Texas family law attorney, Dick Price, are listed below:
Be prepared. If you know ahead of time that you will (or may) be going through a divorce, it really pays off for you to gather documents and information about important issues, such as your finances. You may uncover unknown assets or you may just have proof of the existence and values of assets, which would probably help save quite a bit of money.
Plan for changes and be flexible. Realize that your family will become two separate units and that will stretch your resources. You may have to change your short- and long-range goals. In almost every case, someone virtually "starts over" and often both parties really struggle. Accept the need to compromise and be open to new ways of doing things.
Be honest with your attorney. He or she can’t do nearly as good a job with faulty information. Virtually everything you tell an attorney is confidential, so don’t hold back.
Prepare to use specialists. Attorneys can be very good helping you with the law, facts and procedure, but they often don’t know as much about specialty areas such as taxation as a CPA or divorce financial planner does. The process can move faster and better if you use (as needed) a:
Counselor/therapist, if you are sad or mad.
Financial planner, if you don’t have much experience in finances.
Business valuation expert for small businesses.
Child specialist to help find solutions for visitation, child support issues, living arrangements, etc.
Look at the big picture. Don’t get lost in insignificant issues or in keeping score to see who wins the most points. If you start to slip into arguing about tiny issues, make yourself go back up to the broader issues and get your spouse off the small stuff. Focus on the goals, needs and interests that are important to you. It doesn’t matter what your spouse is gaining or claiming to gain or wants to argue about. Leave the small stuff alone and stay true to your essential goals. You will be truly successful if you can achieve your important goals and needs.
Practice "putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes". Empathy can really help you in a number of ways. Since 90-95% of divorces settle, negotiations are a major part of any divorce. You can better understand and respond to your spouse’s requests and offers if you understand what important to him or her and what factors will motivate them. Being able to figure out what your spouse is motivated by can help you create settlement options that will be acceptable and even welcome to your spouse.
Reduce conflict. The more you fight, the more it costs. That should be obvious. You can choose to start or continue battles, or you can decide to work for solutions.
Following these tips will improve your chance of success, no matter how you define success. At the least, you should have a divorce with less fighting and more attention to the important issues.
The Pennsylvania Family Law blog recently posted an article which takes an interesting look at the reports that the divorce rate is falling. Of particular interest to families in South Carolina is the speculation that one of the primary reasons the divorce rate is declining is that many more people are choosing to live together without getting married.
Of course, South Carolina is one of the few states that still recognizes common law marriage if certain elements are met. This is important to remember because couples living together may find themselves in a common law marriage situation, which means that they will still need to go through the divorce process to legally conclude their relationship.
The above-referenced article discusses the following theories about the declining divorce rate in this country:
Divorce rates are down because less people get married. Rather, they live together. In fact, the number of couples living together has increased by a factor of 10 since 1960.
Divorce rates are falling in couples who are college educated. The rationale being that in such families both parties may work, reducing financial stress, and allowing the couples to remain married.
In some areas, the stigma of being divorced has increased. Couples in these areas may be working harder to stay married.
One thing to think about is that it doesn't matter to the children whether their parents are married or just live together when they split. Either way, the children suffer the loss of their family.
This is the tenth installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 10 - Stay Put (until further notice):
We are nearing the end of our series on practical steps to take when you are facing an imminent divorce. We have reached Step 10 - Stay Put (until further notice).
One of the most common questions I am asked by my clients is whether they can move out of the house. In most cases my answer to them is to stay put. It is not the answer most of my clients want.
I know that things are stressful. I know that they will likely get worse before they get better. Unfortunately, there are several reasons to avoid leaving. The most important ones are the following:
It could jeopardize your custody claim. If you end up in a custody dispute, then if you leave the house and the children remain there with your spouse you will almost guarantee that you will not receive primary custody. If the case becomes contested, it could drag out for many months (even a year or two). If your spouse has had primary physical custody that entire time and you’ve had alternate weekend visitation, then unless your spouse has made major mistakes in the interim, they will likely maintain primary custody.
It could affect your property interests. You’ve moved out. Your spouse pays the mortgage the entire time the case is pending. Some judges may factor that in when making the property division.
You will lose leverage in the negotiations. This is big. You want the divorce. Your spouse doesn’t. You decide you have to get out of the house. You move to an apartment and are paying your rent and the home mortgage. Now under the Pre-trial Status Quo Order you may be required to keep paying it as long as the case is pending. You have just given your spouse a major incentive to drag out the litigation. I see it happen all the time. Eventually you decide to settle for much worse terms because you can’t keep paying for two households. Do not make this mistake.
Moving out of the house can have dramatic effects on the case. Do not do it without discussing it with your lawyer and giving it a great deal of thought. You should know, also, that some judges will consider a motion for temporary possession of the residence pending the trial. This varies dramatically from county to county (and sometimes even from judge to judge) so you will want to discuss it with your lawyer.
It goes without saying that if domestic violence is an issue, then all of this is moot. You will need to take whatever steps you must to protect yourself. Just make sure you let your lawyer know what is going on. In the case of domestic violence, your lawyer may actually be able to have your spouse removed from the house.
The National Marriage Project, located at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey, provide sresearch and analysis on the state of marriage in America and educates the public on the social, economic and cultural conditions affecting marital success and child wellbeing. The Project has released its "Top Ten Myths of Divorce". These myths are summarized below, but the article itself contains much more detail, including cites to studies supporting its conclusions.
Myth #1: Second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages.
Fact: The divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages.
Myth #2: Living together before marriage reduces the chances of eventually divorcing.
Fact: Those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing.
Myth #3: Divorce may cause problems for many of the children, but those problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly.
Fact: Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children, and there is evidence that many of these problems are long lasting and may become worse in adulthood.
Myth #4: Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce.
Fact: Couples who have a child together have a slightly decreased risk of divorce compared to couples without children, but the decreased risk is far less than it used to be when parents with marital problems were more likely to stay together “for the sake of the children.”
Myth #5: Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man’s improves by forty two percent.
Fact: The woman’s loss is actually twenty seven percent, while the man’s gain was ten percent.
Myth #6: When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together.
Fact: Parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, but so does going through a divorce. Except in high-conflict marriages, it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.
Myth #7: Children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes.
Fact: Marriages of the children of divorce actually have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from intact families.
Myth #8: Following divorce, the children involved are better off in step-families than in single-parent families.
Fact: Step-families tend to have their own set of problems, and they are no improvement over single-parent families, even though typically income levels are higher and there is a father figure in the home.
Myth #9: Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce.
Fact: All marriages have their ups and downs.
Myth #10: It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings
Fact: Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women.
Bill Mitchell, Seven-Day Detective, says that the most commonly asked question he receives from potential clients is whether they should confront their spouses? He doesn't recommend such confrontations, and he believes that such conversations are usually not productive because "cheating spouses lie."
Mr. Mitchell recommends that his clients pay particular attention to the spouse's activity and actions. In other words, watch your spouse's behaviors rather than hearing verbal messages. He also suggests analyzing records like phone bills, which can help convey a story and often give clues to either the identity of your spouse's paramour or days and times that your spouse is with that person.
Attorneys should be sure that their clients understand the basics of what "burden of proof" must be proved in their divorce cases. The more a client knows, the more helpful he/she can be in obtaining the necessary evidence to help the attorney prove the case and obtain the divorce.
Each of the divorce grounds has certain, specified elements that must be proven. For instance, in order to be granted a divorce on adultery, a party must prove by "clear and convincing" evidence that his/her spouse had both “inclination and opportunity” to have intercourse with a person of the opposite sex. However, the law does not require absolute proof of adultery.
It is usually necessary to have some corroborating evidence in addition to the testimony of the suing party. There are numerous ways to prove divorce grounds. For instance, in cases of physical cruelty, treating physicians can testify about medical treatment rendered or witnesses can testify about marks and bruises they have seen. In adultery cases, pictures of the spouse and lover acting romantically or entering an apartment or motel are sometimes sufficient. In habitual drunkenness cases, the Court can consider things such as prescription records, checks at liquor stores, or pictures of empty liquor bottles.
In rare cases, the Judge may not require corroborating evidence if he is thoroughly convinced there is no collusion. Collusion means the parties have conspired to fake the grounds for divorce. Collusion is illegal and leads to perjury and is also unethical and improper.
This is the eighth installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 8 - Address the Credit Account:
We pick up with Step 8 in our series on practical steps to take when a divorce is imminent. Step 8 is Assess how to handle the credit accounts.
If a divorce is imminent you do not want to be liable on any accounts on which your spouse has charging privileges. It is not unheard of for an angry spouse, upon learning of a divorce, to go on a shopping spree. Likewise, some lawyers may advise their clients to take out cash advances on joint cards to provide a cushion while the divorce is pending or to charge a large amount in lawyer’s fees on to joint cards.
You will want to consider canceling such joint accounts or at least reducing the spending limits. If they are an authorized user on charge cards in your name, see what steps the credit card companies require to remove them as an authorized user.
Also consider home equity lines of credit. You may need to consider whether you should close it or restrict access pending the resolution of the divorce.
Whatever you do, do not neglect thinking seriously about how to handle this issue, and discuss it with your lawyer before making a final decision.
The New York Times reports that the national per capita divorce rate has steadily declined since its peak in 1981 (5.3 divorces per 1,000 people) and that it is currently at its lowest level (3.6 divorces per 1,000 people) since 1970. Experts disagree as to the cause for the decline. Some point to more couples living together without marrying, while others believe that divorce rates are indeed falling substantively among college-educated couples but not among less-affluent, less-educated couples.
City officials in Chicago recently removed the above-pictured steamy billboard for a law firm specializing in divorce. The ad, which proclaimed "Life's short. Get a divorce," was up for only one week before its removal. Numerous complaints were lodged against the ad by citizens, who found the scantily clad models objectionable.
Other attorneys also complained because they believe the billboard to be undignified and unprofressional. Some, including John Ducanto, past president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, have gone so far as to call on the Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Committee of the Supreme Court of Illinois to sanction the attorneys responsible for this ad.
The actual reason that the city removed the billboard was not due to the complaints, but rather because the law firm did not obtain the necessary permits before erecting it. The attorneys responsible for the ad claim that it was removed without due process. Of course, they also report that calls to their firm increased dramatically during the short time the billboard was posted.
If you have a child who has had to deal with a divorce, you should know about a A Kid's Guide to Divorce. This website explains divorce in helpful language from a child's point of view. Divorce can be a scary thing to grownups, so you can only imagine how children must feel about it. The website has sections titled "Kids Can't Cause a Divorce!" and "Kids Can't Fix a Divorce". It is available in both English and Spanish versions.
Arkansas attorney Kevin Hickey recently discussed the most common reasons that people get divorced? He says that while most people think that infidelity is by far the most common reason, it is not in his experience. He believes that the following reasons are:
Poor communication
Financial problems
A lack of commitment to the marriage
A dramatic change in priorities
Infidelity
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above. They are:
Failed expectations or unmet needs
Addictions and substance abuse
Physical, sexual or emotional abuse
Lack of conflict resolution skills
As you can see, many of the problems can be addressed and possibly even avoided if both spouses can work together on solving them, typically through some type of marriage counseling. Mr. HIckey wisely advises that divorce is the last resort -- NOT the first option. You should try to save your marriage first.
This is the seventh installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 7: Assess the Financial Accounts:
We continue with our series on steps to take when divorce is imminent. We are on to Step 7 which is Assess the Financial Accounts.
If you’ve completed the prior steps in this series, then you already know what accounts exist and what the balances are. You need to make a decision about what to do with them.
It is an unfortunate reality that one of the first things that some spouses do when they learn/decide a divorce is imminent is to raid the accounts. This is typically done after receiving particularly bad advice from an adversarial lawyer or a well meaning, but poorly informed friend.
In a perfect world neither party would touch the financial accounts except to pay normal household bills until after the divorce is over. However, if this was a perfect world, you would not be reading this blog, and I would be in another line of work because divorce lawyers would be unnecessary.
That being said I do not recommend that you clean out the accounts. Doing so immediately escalates the conflict and stress of divorce. It also will not be well received by the divorce judge.
So, you don’t want to clean out the accounts, but you want to be protected from your spouse cleaning them out. If you have a reasonable fear that your spouse will raid the accounts, the only reasonable solution that I know is to remove one half of the funds from the accounts and put them in a new account in your own name. Do not hide, dispose, or waste the money. Document carefully where every penny is spent because you will likely need to make an accounting of it later in negotiations or at trial. Additionally, you should not do this for the regular checking account out of which the household expenses are paid unless there is a substantial balance in the account over and above the amount needed for paying the current month’s bills. You do not want to take action that would cause checks to bounce.
I don’t make this as a blanket suggestion. If the money can be kept there and neither party remove it, that is preferred. Another option for certain types of accounts is to put a freeze on the account. Obviously that is only practical for accounts that are not regularly needed to pay bills and regular expenses.
Before you decide how to handle your financial accounts, consult with your lawyer. If they are suggesting you go take all of the money out without a good reason, I would seriously reevaluate the whether that lawyer shares your desire for a civilized divorce.
There are certain truths in all family court cases -- no matter how famous the parties involved or in which state the case is filed. For instance, James E. McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey, is going through a "contentious" divorce. Last Friday, the judge in that case urged the McGreeveys to use “common sense” during their split.
The New York Times article about their divorce case illustrates the following common themes:
Judges want parents to use “common sense”
Judges want parents to facilitate age-appropriate activities
Judges want parents to minimize the potential effects of the proceedings and the parental conflict on the child
Judges focus primarily on parenting skills, not side issues like sexual orientation
Judges don’t like parents accusing each other of every imaginable error or misdeed
Judges don’t want to micromanage a child’s life
Judges will employ methods to reduce conflict and to help resolve child-related disputes, such as the appointment a parenting coordinator
Certain divorces or other family cases can benefit from the use of a private investigator. Investigators can be very helpful in obtaining documentation regarding lifestyle, assets, income, roomates, friends, paramour and parents, including their criminal history, work history, demonstrating hidden affluence, locating and interviewing witnessess, and obtaining information regarding abuse or neglect.
The best way to select and hire an investigator is to find someone referred to you by a lawyer. You can also look in the yellow pages, and remember that these investigators typically do more family work. You should insist on an investigator who is licensed by the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division. Beyond that, there are several advanced certifications which may distinguish one investigator from another, such as the national designation of Professional Licensed Investigator (PLI) or Certified Legal Investigator (CLI).
When hiring a private investigator, costs are always a consideration. Costs for a private investigator in South Carolina can vary widely, but they are typically in the $50 to $75 per hour range. You have the right to a written contract at the time you are contracting the service. The average for an infidelity surveillance typically run about $1,500 to $2,500 to have a real chance of likely success.
In every family law case, whether divorce or child custody/visitation case, there are issues of both law and fact. Private investigators can help make the facts become clearer. Solid, verifyable facts can affect the outcome of cases. Even the greatest attorney in the world wants facts on their side, and hiring a private investigator may be the best way to get those facts brought to light.
Source: This article was adapted from the article "Hiring a Private Investigator For Your Texas Divorce or Texas Family Law Case" by Sean Y. Palmer, published at his Texas Family Law Resource blog.
This is the sixth installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 6 - Establish Your Own Credit:
We are now on to the sixth step in our series on preparing for divorce. The sixth step is: Make sure you have your own credit established.
If you do not have your own credit history, you should begin the process of establishing it now. Obtain a gas card and a credit card. You will need to have your own credit established after the divorce. And, the sooner you begin the process the better. So, don't wait until after the divorce. You can start this immediately.
Once you've obtained the accounts, you can imrpove your credit by using the cards and then paying them off each month. At this point, it is important that you use these cards only to the degree that you can pay them off each month. Your goal is to establish a favorable credit history, not to run up a bunch of debt.
Once your divorce is finalized, it is time to begin laying the groundwork for your future. Finances are an important part of becoming self-sufficient and nurturing the new you. Here is a checklist of items that are important to cover when ensuring your finances are headed in the right direction.
Establish Yourself Financially. If you haven't already, you want to make sure you have a credit card as well as a checking and a savings account in your name. It is important to maintain or begin building your credit as soon as possible.
Understand Your Divorce Ruling. In order to make smart financial decisions, you need to understand fully the financial ramifications of your divorce. Will you be paying or receiving alimony? How will these payments be structured? What property or assets will you be receiving and when? Are you eligible for a portion of your former spouse's social security payments? Take time to discuss these issues with your lawyer to be sure you understand them fully.
Pursue the Paperwork. Pay careful attention to all details and documentation surrounding your legal and financial status. Make sure you change any beneficiary information on insurance policies or pension plans. Be sure to adapt your will, trusts or estate planning documents to reflect your current intentions for the assets they cover. Also, take the time to make sure any documents concerning power of attorney or guardianship have been updated.
Be Insured. Now that you are on your own, you want to make sure that you have all the necessary forms of insurance to protect yourself and your property. This includes health insurance, life insurance, car insurance and homeowner or renters insurance. Make sure all forms of insurance are in your name and that you understand the terms and conditions of each policy. Remember that you need to create a filing system for copies of all your financial documents and to keep an extra copy of these important papers in a safety deposit box.
Educate Yourself. You don't want to jump into major financial decisions before getting your bearings and making sure you fully understand the landscape. Many people find themselves in a situation where they are responsible for financial tasks that they never had to perform in their marriage. Take time to educate yourself and understand your financial options. Use some of the online resources listed at the bottom of this page or seek out a financial expert who can help you grasp a better understanding of your money matters.
Audit Yourself. You don't want April 15th to roll around only to realize you aren't sure about your tax status or what to do next. Work with your attorney and your ex to ensure any outstanding tax filings from your marital period are filed. Make sure you have the knowledge or the support of a financial expert to ensure you can continue filing your taxes on time and correctly.
Create a Financial Plan. After you have assessed your financial situation, made all the appropriate revisions to reflect your single status and gained the knowledge you need to manage your money, then it is time to create a financial plan that includes your budget, debt repayment and a savings/investment strategy. Depending on your financial situation, you may want to utilize the assistance of an expert to ensure you develop the best plan possible.
Military.com recently presented the following five suggestions to help you financially prepare for divorce:
1. Gather all necessary information & make copies:
In many divorce cases, one spouse generally assumes the responsibilities of maintaining the household's financial foundation, leaving the other spouse to the household's up-keeping responsibilities. During the marriage, this may seem to be a convenient partnership, but in a divorce, this tends to leave one spouse unaware of what the other spouse is doing with respect to finances such as: income, expenses, investing, credit cards, loans, family business, etc. If you are contemplating divorce, the first step you should take is to gather all financial information and make copies. It is amazing how documents come up missing once divorce is being discussed between spouses.
Getting these documents through an attorney at a later date can be quite costly. You want to have them up front, whether they're originals or copies. The types of documents you want to have are your most recent: bank statements, credit card statements, investment account statements, retirement account statements, loan applications, last three to five years tax returns & W-2's, property tax bills, mortgage statements, credit report, etc. In other words, anything that has bearing on your financial situation.
2. Accumulate some cash:
Depending on the type of divorce you may go through, the process can be potentially expensive. Once you are beyond contemplating divorce, start to save some cash each week to accumulate some liquid funds. What you know is you want a divorce, what you don't know is how this divorce will affect you financially. Not only will you need some liquid money to live on, but you could need to hire legal representation, financial experts, and/or mental health professionals to guide you through your divorce and serve as your advocate.
Establishing some cash is a necessity because you will need to pay these people in the event you need use them. Some divorce professionals will not work for you without a down payment, and the last thing you want to happen is not to be able to hire someone because you haven't planned properly.
3. Determine the type of divorce you will have & mentally prepare for it:
Not all divorces are the way they are portrayed on television, roughly 5 percent of divorce cases go to court. Not all divorce cases require hiring an attorney. In the state of Wisconsin, nearly 65-70 percent of divorce cases are “Pro-Se,” which means without legal representation. You want to have an idea of what type of divorce you will have and mentally prepare yourself for the costs.
In my experience with divorcing clients, a litigated divorce tends to be the most expensive regarding fees. If you are in an amicable divorce situation, you may not need to seek the legal support that you would in a highly litigated and disputed case. You may only need assistance with the financial aspects of your divorce. If finances are the only areas of dispute, than seek assistance from a divorce financial analyst, and after those issues have been resolved they can refer you to an attorney that will draft your settlement agreement. This saves time, money and provides for a better relationship with one another post-divorce.
There are other areas of dispute that require other professionals in a divorce. For example, let's assume that you and your soon to be ex-spouse have no real issues except placement of your children. This is a perfect opportunity to seek guidance from a child specialist and/or mental health professional to determine what scenario's are best suited for your children. Then after you come to an agreement find an attorney to review and draft the legal documents necessary to finalize your divorce.
Divorce is emotionally detrimental, the last outcome you need is for it to be financially detrimental as well. You don't want to go into the process blind and each end up with a $20,000 legal bill, when your only issue pertained to dividing retirement accounts, for example. Do your research and find out what professionals you need to minimize costs.
Here is a list of your divorce options:
Legal Separation – best used for couples that do not want to finalize divorce for various reasons (i.e. religious, health insurance, child support, maintenance, etc.).
Pro-Se – best used for couples with few disputes, few assets, and no children.
Mediation – best used for couples who have issues to settle, but no reasons to go to court (i.e. financial issues, custody issues, placement issues, etc.).
Traditional – best used for couples that are non-cooperative and want to fight.
Collaborative – best used for couples with assets, children and disputes that are seeking an amicable divorce and guidance through a team of professionals (attorneys, financial specialists, mental health professionals, etc.) that assist them through a mediation-style process.
Cooperative – best used for couples with assets, children and disputes that are seeking an amicable divorce and a team of professionals that assist them through a mediation-style process.
Determining this will give you an estimate of what a divorce may cost you.
4. Make a detailed list of assets, debts & monthly income before your first consultation:
After you have determined the type of divorce you will go through, prepare your current financial position and have it ready for your first meeting with a divorce financial analyst. This step will save you time and money. The more detailed you are, the more cost effective it will be for you. You also want to make sure that you have an understanding of your monthly expenses as well as income. One area that is commonly argued, is the household expenses incurred by each spouse. On your detailed list show actual expenses that can be supported by credit card and/or bank account statements. Numbers don't lie, and these documents can serve as a support item for negotiating proposed settlements and property division.
Knowing what your spouse earns in income is equally important when divorcing. You need to know all sources of income from: bonuses, cash under the table, exercised stock options, what they are deferring into retirement accounts, etc. Previous years tax returns and W-2's will have this information.
5. Choose the right type of financial professional that can give you expert advice:
When selecting a financial professional, be certain they have an area of expertise in divorce financial analysis and divorce financial counseling. Some financial professionals hold themselves out as divorce planners, but have ulterior motives such as booking new clients for asset management or tax preparation purposes. Look for the CDFA, CDP and/or CDS credentials. These credentials assure you that your financial professional is credible and competent to deal with the financial aspects of your divorce. These designation's mean that your financial professional has taken the necessary tests and acquired the education to hold themselves out as a divorce financial planner.
There are many advantages in retaining a divorce financial professional, some of these benefits are: financial analysis conducted early in the divorce process can save time and money, it can also help you avoid long-term financial pitfalls pertaining to divorce agreements, they can assist you in developing detailed household budgets and help avoid post-divorce financial struggles. Most importantly, they can reduce the amount of apprehension and misunderstanding about the financial aspects of the divorce process.
Certified Divorce Financial Analysts also provide other valuable information such as: tax consequences, division of retirement plans, continued health care coverage, stock option elections, debt reduction and much more. They can work with you individually or by collaborating with your attorney to help make financial sense of proposed settlements.
In my succeeding article I will focus on the different types of divorce, and the pro's and con's of each process. That article will explain the unique differences and help you to decide which type is of divorce process right for you.
The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts reports that about $50 billion a year is spent in North America as a direct result of divorce. Divorces can range from simple to complex, but saving money largely revolves around two strategies: (1) paying less to your lawyer and (2) paying less to Uncle Sam.
The following suggestions can help you avoid wasting money as you go through the divorce process:
Cooperate. This is far easier said than done because feelings of bitterness and distrust are common, but most wasted money stems from emotional decisions and contentious divorces. Your divorce will be very expensive if you need lawyers to help determine who gets the big-screen TV and flatware.
Trim the lawyer bills. It's reasonable that price be one factor in choosing a lawyer, especially if the divorce is unlikely to end up in a court battle. Once you hire a lawyer, use him or her sparingly. An attorney should handle court paperwork and lay out your legal rights, duties and options.
Be prepared. Write down questions for your attorney meetings to make efficient use of your time. Remember, any drawn-out conversations will be billed at the hourly rate of maybe $250 an hour or more. When minor developments happen, don't call your lawyer each time. Instead, keep a journal and update your lawyer periodically.
Use other professionals. Your lawyer is for legal stuff. If you need a therapist, get one. If you need a financial planner, get one. Either will be far better at giving you what you need and far cheaper than billable attorney time.
Use free resources. Library shelves are full of books on divorce, and the Internet has a slew of Web sites. A helpful one is operated by Lee Borden at www.divorceinfo.com. A new inexpensive book is "The IDFA Divorce Survival Guide," written by two leaders of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts.
Tax considerations. The old joke is there are three parties to a divorce: the husband, the wife and the Internal Revenue Service. Cooperating spouses can structure a divorce to pay as little tax as possible, but you might need help from a tax pro. The way you split up stocks that have appreciated by different amounts could have big capital gains tax consequence. It may not be an easy decision on who receives the child tax deduction and head-of-household tax filing status. You even may try to time your divorce to happen late in the calendar year or early in the next year, depending on the tax impact of filing jointly or as singles. And it's important to know that structuring payments as child support or alimony can have a big tax impact.
Don't rebound. People who have been in a stagnant marriage sometimes go wild with money, dating every night and spending money frivolously.
This is the fifth installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 5 - Document & Safeguard Personal Property:
The next step in preparing for divorce is to make two budgets (one that shows the situation in the house before the divorce filing, and one that is your estimated budget for after the divorce).
Most folks don't like to prepare one monthly budget, so I know I'm asking a lot to suggest that it is helpful two prepare two of them. There is a method to the madness though. It is important to know what it costs to run your household currently. Equally important is to have an understanding of what your costs of living will be after the divorce. Let’s take each in turn.
A. Know your current monthly budget
Knowing the monthly budget is important for the following:
In an alimony case, it is critical to show the standard of living and the financial need.
It is helpful in assessing specific needs of the children that may not be covered in basic child support (e.g. particular medical needs or private school expenses).
It will help you in planning your post-divorce budget.
If your spouse is self employed and under reporting his income, showing that monthly expenses exceed what they claim they make can show they are attempting to hide their true income.
A judge may utilize this information to determine temporary support while the case is pending.
You should know this stuff in order to properly manage your finances whether you are getting a divorce or not!
B. Make an estimated budget of post-divorce expenses.
This is important for your personal planning and will likley influence your objectives in the divorce negotiations. You need to know what you will need financially in order to evaluate your settlement options or what you will ask the judge for in a trial.
This will undoubtedly take some estimating on your part. But, that is why it is called an estimated budget. It will be a work in progress. The point is to give some forethought to what your living expenses will be as you start the new chapter in your life.
C. How to make your monthly budgets.
If you already maintain your checking account records on a software program like Quicken then the process is easy. You can simply print out a monthly budget report. If you don’t then you will need to sit down and look through your check register and/or your spouse’s check register for the past three months. This will reveal the expenses you may monthly and quarterly (divide the quarterly expenses by three and enter them in the budget as a monthly expense).
You will then want to think about any annual or semi-annual expenses you may have such as for life insurance, homeowner’s insurance, etc. and convert those to a monthly figure and enter it on the budgets also.
In setting out your budget, try to be as realistic as possible. You should be conservative in your budget (meaning don’t understate the expenses and end up stating a budget that doesn’t realistically meet your needs) without grossly overstating the budget (which a judge would frown on should the case go to court). It is admittedly a fine line. The best advice is to base it on as real numbers as possible.
Bankrate.com suggests the following financial and emotional do's and don'ts to help achieve a smoother divorce:
DO consult with a lawyer. It's a good idea, especially if you have children or assets. Experts say when looking for an attorney, you should ask people you trust for recommendations, and don't cut corners when it comes to good, solid legal help. If you intend to hire a lawyer, start putting aside money for your legal costs, so you can pay the upfront retainer fee often required. The lawyer's hourly rate is billed against the retainer. "To try to navigate without a lawyer would be like trying to do your own open heart surgery," says John Finnerty, a certified matrimonial attorney and chairman of Finnerty & Sherwood in Fair Lawn, N.J.
DO make copies. Photocopy every important, relevant document from the last three years of your marriage. This includes tax returns, mortgage payments, bank statements, pay stubs, stock certificates and bonds – to supply your lawyer or mediator.
DO steer clear of damaging credit problems. Cancel joint credit cards. Experts say if your credit card accounts are in both you and your spouse's names, and they remain open, you are still responsible for any charges made by your spouse. If charges go unpaid, they can end up on your credit report. Get credit cards and accounts in your own name to build your own credit.
DO make sure you're covered. Medical insurance coverage can end in divorce. If you are on your husband's insurance plan, you should be able to continue coverage for up to 36 months under the Consolidated Omnibus Reconciliation Act (COBRA). Under this plan you pay the premiums, which may be expensive.
DO take a home and asset inventory. This will better clarify what exactly needs to be divided. Susan Goldstein, family law attorney and co-author with Valerie Colb of "The Smart Divorce: A Practical Guide to the 200 Things You Must Know," advises you to write down everything you know about your assets and debts, and record the persons who can be witnesses. It's good for people to compile lists. You can't bring your lawyer too much information, Goldstein says. Also consider taking pictures or videos of your home and contents and making copies of family photographs you want to keep. "Family photographs are often a major point of contention," she says.
DO think about tax consequences. For instance, if a stock is valued at $3,000, it may only be worth $2,600 in cash after capital gains taxes are paid. Thus, it would not be the same as receiving $3,000 cash in a divorce settlement. "If couples are trying to provide each with similar amounts of spendable money, they must consider the costs of converting certain assets into cash before deciding how to divide items," cautions Margorie Engel, author, president and CEO of Stepfamily Association of America.
DO choose your assets carefully. When staking a claim in assets, remember that choosing the wrong assets may end up costing you money, instead of making you money. If you want to keep the house, for instance, first educate yourself about the fair market value of your home, says Goldstein. Remember that you'll have to make the mortgage payments and pay taxes, interest, insurance, utilities and maintenance extras. Selling it won't be a picnic, either: The brokerage costs and taxes from the sale will be solely your responsibility.
DO line up your own emotional support. Choose friends you can trust, because you never know who may end up turning on you or even testifying against you later. Consulting with a counselor can keep you thinking clearly in order to focus on your divorce plan. If you anticipate a child custody fight, you may want to take your child to a therapist before it starts. Randy Rolfe, author of "The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents," states that when you have counseling, you'll be less likely to give up and give over things in the divorce.
Experts also recommend that you remain practical -- legally and emotionally -- when planning your divorce. There some things you should never do:
Don't skimp on legal help.
Don't just move out of your home. Unless you fear physical harm, talk to your lawyer before you make your move.
Don't try to do it all. Some cases do need experts like accountants, appraisers, etc. Thinking you can do these things on your own can be counterproductive.
Don't share a lawyer with your spouse. This scenario presents a huge conflict of interest. Most lawyers won't do it, and it could borderline on malpractice.
Don't make revenge the goal of the divorce.
Don't compare your divorce to another divorce. Each case has its own set of facts, with its own personality.
Don't bad-mouth your spouse to your children. It can backfire on you in ways you don't expect.
Don't just think about your actions, but also consider the impact they can have in a case. For example, don't write a letter you would mind being read in a courtroom.
A divorce will affect you legally, financially and emotionally. Although deciding to divorce isn't easy, taking the time to incorporate these do's and don'ts can make the process -- and its financial and emotional consequences -- as uncomplicated as possible.
Divorce is real. Sometimes you are the one that decides you want out, while other times it's your spouse. When faced with divorce, you should be prepared to protect yourself and your interests to ensure that your marriage is brought to a fair and equitable resolution.
One approach to help you deal with divorce is to approach it from a management perspective. This requires you to be informed and educated and to have a plan to manage this process. Here are some tips from EqualityInMarriage.org to help get you started as the manager of your divorce:
Don't Fall Apart: Yes, divorce is an extremely emotional time and it's all too easy to get overwhelmed. But the most important thing to remember is that YOU are the manager of the process. Sitting on the sidelines and watching the lawyers play your game might seem appealing, but the stakes are usually too high for you to be a spectator. Most successful business people have learned the art of balancing the emotional aspects of family and social life while still running a thriving venture. Take that mentality with you and be the active CEO of your divorce process.
Utilize Your Support Network: Balance is another powerful tool in this process. Even as you work to keep the divorce machine running effectively, don't forget you need emotional support. Utilize friends, family, spiritual advisors and, if needed, a therapist to help you deal with the myriad of feelings that accompany this major change in your life.
Keep Good Files: Don't wait until lawyers or the court ask for financial and legal documents to start digging through file cabinets and desk drawers. You ARE going to need copies of any documents related to bank accounts, investments, debt, tax returns, etc. Save yourself time and energy by making copies of all these items as soon as divorce seems a possibility. Start a filing system with these documents and continue to keep records of all meetings, phone calls and financial transactions related to your divorce.
Be Knowledgeable: You can't possibly make wise decisions as the manager of your divorce if you don't understand the terrain. The library, local bookstores and the World Wide Web provide a wealth of information. Our site contains lots of information and resources to help you in the divorce process. Examine all the options from mediation to arbitration to court trials. Realize that laws differ from state to state and become familiar with the legal precedent where you live.
Manage Your Team: Whether it's a lawyer, financial advisor or a therapist, you'll be looking for professionals to join your team. As the active manager of your divorce, it's your job to build the best team possible within your resources. Research lawyers or advisors carefully. Ask for references. Constantly monitor the effectiveness of your team and have honest discussions at the first sign of problems. When all is said and done, you can't blame your lawyer, or anyone else, for a poorly run divorce.
Look to the Future: Some days it will seem like the world is ending. The fact remains, there is life after divorce. If the future seems bleak, start drawing a picture of what you'd like life to look like. We'd suggest that you avoid making any drastic decisions about career, relocation or lifestyle in the heat of the divorce process, but certainly let yourself imagine the kind of future that will make you comfortable and happy.
This is the fourth installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 4 - Prepare a Budget (or Two):
The next step in preparing for divorce is to make two budgets (one that shows the situation in the house before the divorce filing, and one that is your estimated budget for after the divorce).
Most folks don't like to prepare one monthly budget, so I know I'm asking a lot to suggest that it is helpful two prepare two of them. There is a method to the madness though. It is important to know what it costs to run your household currently. Equally important is to have an understanding of what your costs of living will be after the divorce. Let’s take each in turn.
A. Know your current monthly budget
Knowing the monthly budget is important for the following:
In an alimony case, it is critical to show the standard of living and the financial need.
It is helpful in assessing specific needs of the children that may not be covered in basic child support (e.g. particular medical needs or private school expenses).
It will help you in planning your post-divorce budget.
If your spouse is self employed and under reporting his income, showing that monthly expenses exceed what they claim they make can show they are attempting to hide their true income.
A judge may utilize this information to determine temporary support while the case is pending.
You should know this stuff in order to properly manage your finances whether you are getting a divorce or not!
B. Make an estimated budget of post-divorce expenses.
This is important for your personal planning and will likley influence your objectives in the divorce negotiations. You need to know what you will need financially in order to evaluate your settlement options or what you will ask the judge for in a trial.
This will undoubtedly take some estimating on your part. But, that is why it is called an estimated budget. It will be a work in progress. The point is to give some forethought to what your living expenses will be as you start the new chapter in your life.
C. How to make your monthly budgets.
If you already maintain your checking account records on a software program like Quicken then the process is easy. You can simply print out a monthly budget report. If you don’t then you will need to sit down and look through your check register and/or your spouse’s check register for the past three months. This will reveal the expenses you may monthly and quarterly (divide the quarterly expenses by three and enter them in the budget as a monthly expense).
You will then want to think about any annual or semi-annual expenses you may have such as for life insurance, homeowner’s insurance, etc. and convert those to a monthly figure and enter it on the budgets also.
In setting out your budget, try to be as realistic as possible. You should be conservative in your budget (meaning don’t understate the expenses and end up stating a budget that doesn’t realistically meet your needs) without grossly overstating the budget (which a judge would frown on should the case go to court). It is admittedly a fine line. The best advice is to base it on as real numbers as possible.
Syndicated columnist, college professor, and author Tom McMahon, offers the following guidelines for parents involved in contentious divorces to follow to minimize the negative effects on their children:
Coexist peacefully with your former spouse. This involves putting aside your differences for the sake of the children and supporting each other in the continuing roles as parents. Both parents should encourage each other to maintain contact with the children.
Do not argue in front of your children.
Children need consistency in their lives. Whenever possible, keep the same daily routines. If you share custody, both spouses should agree on the same household routines (bedtime, mealtime, discipline, etc.).
Do not use your children for emotional support during your divorce. Connect with adult friends and relatives for support.
Wait until your children are mostly healed from the divorce before you begin dating.
Each of the divorce grounds has certain, specified elements that must be proven. For instance, in order to be granted a divorce on adultery, a party must prove by "clear and convincing" evidence that his/her spouse had both “inclination and opportunity” to have intercourse with a person of the opposite sex. However, the law does not require absolute proof of adultery.
It is usually necessary to have some corroborating evidence in addition to the testimony of the suing party. There are numerous ways to prove divorce grounds. For instance, in cases of physical cruelty, treating physicians can testify about medical treatment rendered or witnesses can testify about marks and bruises they have seen. In adultery cases, pictures of the spouse and lover acting romantically or entering an apartment or motel are sometimes sufficient. In habitual drunkenness cases, the Court can consider things such as prescription records, checks at liquor stores, or pictures of empty liquor bottles.
In rare cases, the Judge may not require as much corroborating evidence if he/she is thoroughly convinced there is no collusion. Collusion means the parties have conspired to fake the grounds for divorce. Collusion is illegal and leads to perjury and is also unethical and improper.
Before a party may file an action for divorce or separation, at least one of the parties must have been a resident of South Carolina for more than one year, or both spouses must have resided in South Carolina for at least three months.
This is the last portion of the second installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 2C - Determine Income (Yours and Your Spouses):
Your lawyer will need documentation showing your income (if you work outside the home) and the income of your spouse. This is important for a number of reasons, but primarily for child and spousal support.
If your spouse is a salaried employee then your job is easy. Obtain a copy of the most recent pay stub and the most recent Income Tax Return. If you do not have access to either of these, you can obtain a copy of the Income Tax Return by requesting it from the IRS.
Complete Form 4506, Request for Copy of Tax Return and mail it to the IRS address in the instructions along with a $39 fee for each tax year requested. Copies are generally available for returns filed in the current and past 6 years. You can download the form at www.irs.gov.
If your spouse is self employed, then the job of determining their income becomes much more difficult. This is why discretion about your divorce plans is important. You may want to discreetly question your spouse (or if he has one, his business partner or his partner’s spouse) about income. You can attempt to get copies of bank account statements and financial statements of the business.
Another good way to prove income and assets of a self employed spouse is to obtain a copy of a loan application or net worth statement that they may have submitted to a bank or other lending institution for a loan.
Sometimes it is difficult to prove the actual income of a self employed spouse. At this point, gather the information you can. In the case of a self employed spouse, your lawyer will likely have to help you by using the discovery process to obtain and analyze additional information.
You know the numbers. It's projected right now that about half of all new marriages end up in divorce. It's a horrible statistic that doesn't begin to suggest the emotional and financial strain that it puts on families. Other than the death of your spouse, divorce is probably the most stressful event you'll ever face. I've had women discussing their divorce in my office become violently ill. I've seen hardened fishermen cry in open court during their divorce hearing. Make no mistake – divorce is hell.
So what have I learned after being a lawyer for nearly 30 years and helping many folks go through this difficult process? If you believe that a divorce is in your future, here are 12 things think about:
Don't do it. If you feel there is any chance that you can save your marriage, try it. See a marriage counselor, talk to a therapist, seek spiritual help, eat some humble pie – whatever, but don't take the step of filing for a divorce lightly. In all my years as a lawyer, I've never seen a divorce that wasn't emotionally grueling on the parties and their children. If there is any chance at all of saving your marriage, give it a shot – even if it doesn't work, you'll feel better later on knowing that you tried everything possible.
Get a lawyer. In most states, divorces involve lots of paperwork and a dizzying array of legal decisions. You need to know your legal rights and responsibilities and should talk to an attorney BEFORE you are ready to begin proceedings. Be wary of books giving you legal advice. Divorce laws vary greatly in the United States and you need to speak with a lawyer familiar with the laws in the state where you live.
Kids First. If you have children, it's never too early in the divorce proceeding to consider their needs. How and when are you going to tell them about your decision to file for divorce? Will you tell them yourself, or with your spouse? It's important to make sure that they are told in such a way that it is clear to them that they are not the cause of the divorce, that they are still loved by both of you and that they'll still be taken care of. Children suffer the most during a divorce so it's important that their routines be changed as little as possible. Get or keep involved in their everyday activities. Don't say anything negative about your spouse in front of them. Don't take out the anger and frustration you may feel toward your spouse out on your children. Make them your top priority. Give your children all the love, attention, emotional and financial support you can during this stressful time.
Copy Important Financial Documents. Anything that has to do with your finances should be copied:
Federal and state tax returns;
Recent Pay Stubs;
Bank and credit card statements;
Deeds and real estate appraisals;
Mortgage documents and statements;
Investment and retirement statements;
Wills and life insurance policies; and
Automobile titles.
Don't forget to check your home computer for some of this information. If you use financial software like Quicken or some other program, back up a copy of your entire on-line file and save it to a CD. Note that this is only a partial list of documents – your lawyer may want even more information. Again, this should be done BEFORE you file for a divorce. It's amazing how these documents seem to "disappear" once you file for your divorce.
Find out what you own. Take stock of your possessions. Get out a pencil and paper and write down everything that you own – you may not want to count every spice in the cupboard, but write down major items like automobiles, appliances, jewelry, furniture, antiques or anything else that is valuable. You may want to omit all items under, say, $100 and list the remaining items. You might also consider taking a video of the interior of the house and noting some of the more expensive possessions. Pictures – say with a camera phone – also work well.
Find out what you owe. The importance of getting a clear picture about your income and expenses can't be emphasized enough. To a large extent, divorces are about money. You say all you care about are the children? Well, you need money to support them. You want to stay in the marital home? Do you have the ability to pay the mortgage? Many times only one spouse is directly involved in the day-to-day payment of expenses. If you're that spouse, you probably have a good handle on the debts and expenses of your family. If you're not that spouse, you need to get up to speed in a hurry. Either way, it's time for you to develop a household budget and know exactly where all the money is going. If possible, take a look at your Quicken report or your bank statements or checking account register and determine where you're spending your money and what your debts are at this time. Keep in mind that many people spend quite a bit of cash each week – so you need to factor that into your budget. Knowing your budget and expenses is extremely important in the beginning of the case when spousal support, child support or both might be an issue. It's also crucial later on when you're discussing settlement or going to trial. Once you're living on your own again, you need to know this information to intelligently assess your needs.
Determine your spouse's income. My experience is that many husbands and wives don't really know what their spouses make for money. If your spouse has a regular salary, get copies of his or her W2's and pay stubs. In addition to their regular income, do they receive bonuses, tips or other fringe benefits – like reimbursements for car or housing expenses, employer paid insurance benefits or free meals? Who pays for health insurance and are there any employer contributions? Take into account employment sponsored retirement accounts, IRAs, 401(k)s or annuities. If your spouse is self-employed, owns a business or ever gets paid in cash, it's often difficult to accurately determine income. Get as much information as possible and present it to your lawyer for review. You may need the help of an accountant or other expert to help in this area.
Figure out what happens when you move out. Someone generally leaves the marital home to find another place to live. Once again, BEFORE you decide whether or not to leave, talk to a lawyer. It can have adverse consequences to be the one to leave the marital home and some lawyers routinely advise clients to stay in the marital residence if at all possible (absent abuse). Depending on your state laws, being the one to move out could weaken your position later as it relates to child custody or your ability to ever return to your home. Once someone does leave, you need to figure out how to pay the family debt. You and your spouse are going to have to allocate your debts – if you can't agree on how, the court will do it for you. If you're still paying on debt that you brought into the marriage, this may be considered "non-marital debt" and be your responsibility in addition to the other debt.
Divide up bank accounts. It's best if you do this with your spouse or at least after notifying your spouse. But if you fear that your spouse is going to immediately empty out all your joint bank accounts upon being told about the divorce, consider withdrawing half – but not all – of the money you have in your savings accounts. If you can withdraw half of the money from the checking account without causing a financial mess, you may want to do that too. Put the funds in a separate account in a different bank and don't spend them if at all possible! You'll undoubtedly have to divulge what you did with the money so keep track of it. As usual, check with your lawyer before taking this step.
Know what you can earn. Living in two households is always more expensive than living in one. Whatever you make, it won't seem to be enough. If you earn a regular salary, is there a way for you to work overtime to supplement your income? Do you have any other way to legitimately earn more? If you've been out of the workforce for a while, what type of income can you realistically expect when returning? Do you need extensive training or more education before you return to work? Is your earning limited because you have small children and can only work part time? If you work full time, will that significantly increase your child care expenses? If your job requires extensive travel, will you continue to be able to do it and still see the children on a regular basis?
Take a look at your credit history. Do you and your spouse have credit cards in your own individual names? If not, you may want to apply for them now to establish your own credit history. If your credit is poor, take steps now to improve it. Unfortunately, my experience is that money in a divorce often becomes so tight that bills get overlooked or not paid on time and the credit rating of both spouses suffers. If at all possible, try to not let this happen. You also need to consider canceling credit cards if one spouse routinely runs up huge credit card bills. Another alternative is to reduce the spending limit. Be sure to talk to your lawyer about this as well as your spouse.
Save, save, save. This is advice that you should do long before you even consider getting a divorce. Save as much money as you can in your own name so that you have easy access to cash in the event you need it. If your spouse is the primary breadwinner and moves out and refuses to pay the bills, you need to pay them until a court issues a temporary order indicating who is responsible for payment. Many times, even when filing an expedited request for a hearing, it takes weeks or even months to get into court on a temporary support request. If you're the person moving out, you'll need money for a security deposit on an apartment or to buy appliances and other household items. Start saving now to ease the financial burden that nearly all couples go through when obtaining a divorce. Finally, don't forget the major expense that you and your spouse will both have when getting a divorce: legal retainers.
Posted on February 28, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
This is another portion of the second installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 2B - Determine What You Owe:
We are still on Step 2 of Preparing for a Divorce. Step 2 is "make an accounting of the family finances." We've discussed determining what you own. This step requires you to determine what you owe.
You will need to make a determination of all of the debts of the marriage without respect to the name in which it was incurred.The Judgment of Divorce will need to address who is responsible for the debt whether it is in your name, your spouse's name, or joint names.
I recommend that each of my clients obtain a copy of their credit report. This allows you to make sure that you know of all of the debt that is in your name. It is not unusual for a spouse to have incurred debt in the other spouse's name without their knowledge. If that has happened, you need to know it before the divorce is final, not after.
There are many ways to obtain a copy of your credit report. You can request a free copy once per year at www.annualcreditreport.com.
Once you see what all debt exists, obtain copies of the statements on these accounts to determine the balances. You may also need the statements if your spouse has made large or inappropriate purchases on the cards.
If you cannot find credit card statements on each of the accounts, contact the credit card company directly and request they send them to you. You may want to check their websites as you might be able to make the request online. I normally want my clients to get a minimum of 12 months worth. Check with your lawyer to see what he recommends.
Posted on February 26, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
This is a portion of the second installment in the series of posts by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 2A - Determine What You Own:
We are on Step 2 in our series regarding preparing for divorce. Step 2 involves making an accounting of the family finances. This includes determining what you own.
For some, that may be easy. If you have a good handle on the family finances, then you are a step ahead. If not, then it is time to do your homework.
Many of the assets of the marriage will be obvious - the home in which you reside, financial accounts, vehicles, recreational vehicles, etc. Others may not be so obvious - these include things like artwork, bearer bonds, a spouses deferred compensation, proceeds from a pending lawsuit, etc.
Then there is the possibility that your spouse is hiding assets (this is more likely if they are the ones initiating the divorce or if divorce has been discussed previously).
Review all possible assets. Attempt to gather documentation regardign each one including present value, where possible. Especially look for any recent appraisals of real estate.
If your lawyer is charging you hourly, then any of this information that you are able to gather should save you a lot of money. If there are documents you are not able to obtain, your lawyer may have to get them through the discovery process.
Posted on February 19, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog has begun a series of posts on the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. His series takes an honest, practical approach in showing people how to protect their interests and make prudent preparations in such a situation. Here is Step 1: Find a Wise Guide:
An experienced divorce lawyer I know is fond of telling his clients that you don't need a lawyer to get a divorce, but you need them for the consequences of your divorce. He is right. You can likely get a divorce by finding some forms on the internet or hiring a lawyer that advertises for cheap uncontested divorces. If you have no children, a marriage of only a year or two in duration, no assets or debts have been accumulated during the marriage, and you and your spouse agree on everything, then you probably don't need a divorce specialist.
Look for a lawyer that has at least 5-10 years experience practicing primarily divorce and family law. Find out the lawyer's philosophy regarding litigating cases versus settling them. My personal opinion is that you should want a lawyer who makes it a priority to attempt to acheive a fair settlement for you, but who is capable and willing to litigate the case before a judge.
Posted on February 14, 2007 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Hopefully, this Valentine's Day will be a happy one for you and your spouse. Unfortunately, many people across the country will not be so lucky, because their spouse is being unfaithful and violating their marriage vows.
However, there is good news. Noted private investigator and author, Bill Mitchell, has come up with the following fourteen ways to avoid adultery in your marriage:
Promise your mate you will never join an internet "cheaters" service.
Put any positive thoughts of a "love triangle" in the company shredder
Guard your affection for your spouse or significant other. Don't give it away carelessly.
In 2006 share cards, chocolates, flowers, hotel suites and gifts with just ONE - your spouse.
Tell yourself you will get caught - no matter how selective a gene pool you left.
Understand that not every parent who cheated on their spouse is a wise or a good example to follow.
Convince yourself that car behind you is a private investigator placing a "tail" on you.
Look for reasons to keep your marriage alive - try a defibrillator if necessary.
Communicate to save your marriage. Be open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires and aspirations.
Be affectionate, accountable, understanding and honest this year ( of course with your spouse). Try signing up for a marriage seminar or retreat. Check with a local church for events in your area.
Read this aloud; "Affairs seem exciting and fulfilling for a moment but destructive to me, my family, friends, employer and future. It's not worth it and I'm too smart for that troubled way of living!"
Extramarital affairs are just too costly even for the wealthy. Do everyone around you a big favor, including your kids, use just one bed - the one at home - with your spouse.
Value your health. You can't risk the future over a fling. Cheaters often spread STD's.
Agree that a little "self-indulgence" will lead to an affair so listen to your conscience before it leads anywhere.
In most divorces, children are usually the last to find out that their parents are separating. When they do find out, children have a variety of reactions, from feelings of abandonment to psychological dysregulation to immense anger.
Here are some tips on how to help children maintain their self-esteem and emotional equilibrium during the roughest of times:
Keep an eye out for changes in your child's emotions and these signs of depression:
Loss of spontaneity.
Excessive brooding.
Dramatic drop in grades.
Use of alcohol or drugs.
Loss of interest in his/her favorite activities.
Avoid confrontation and conflict in the children's presence at all costs.
Try to be flexible and think of the children's needs before your own.
This is an extremely turbulent and emotional time. As such, you may find yourself thinking and doing things that you would not normally do. The most devoted of parents have been known to put their children in the middle. Often times you will hear somebody say, "I just don't know this person anymore" about somebody in the process of a divorce. They are right. Most people do go through some sort of metamorphosis during their divorce. We tend to be much more emotional and rash in our decision-making. It's part of the process that we must watch very carefully. Try to always think before you act. What will be the effect of today's action tomorrow?
This is a list of things that under normal circumstances most people would never do. This list was developed based on personal experiences, having had these things done to us, or as much as we may hate to admit it, having done some of these ourselves. If you can follow these guidelines, you will find that you behaved in a mature rational way. Not only can you be proud but also you will find that things will be better in the long run. Easier said than done but give it your best try.
DON'T put your children in the middle of your divorce. The divorce is between you and your spouse. The children are innocent victims. DO show them the love and attention they deserve. Make sure that they know they are not the reason for the divorce.
DON'T stop the children from seeing your (ex)spouse during their scheduled visitation time because he/she owes you money. DO try to resolve the matter with your (ex)spouse. If the two of you can't resolve the problem then contact your attorney to find out what legal actions you can take.
DON'T put your spouse down in front of the children. DO show respect towards your spouse in front of the children. If you can't do that then do not say anything at all. It will only come back to haunt you as well as send the wrong message to the children.
DON'T use your children as a negotiating ploy during the settlement process. DO be honest and up front. Judges know when the children are being used and do not look highly upon such tactics.
DON'T spend $1,000 on attorney fees fighting over a $150 piece of furniture. DO use good business sense when deciding what to fight for and at what cost should you fight for it.
DON'T get greedy. It doesn't matter if you wanted the divorce or your spouse did. Just because you're hurt and your emotions are running high, does not mean that you are entitled to more than the law allows. This attitude will cost you unnecessary attorney fees and the judicial system doesn't care about your personal feelings. DO be reasonable and flexible. Find out from your attorney what you are entitled to by state law regarding equitable distribution, alimony and child support.
DON'T use your children as a therapist. They are not equipped to handle the emotional strain being placed on them. DO get professional help if you need it to cope with your divorce.
DON'T represent yourself. Not only will your inexperience bite you in the butt, you may also appear selfish and self serving. Besides, Judges do not like it when you represent yourself. Even experienced attorneys that are getting divorced use attorneys. DO use an experienced matrimonial attorney. Although you may feel like you will save money, it will cost you more in the long run by not having the proper representation and someone with experience and knowledge of the law looking out for your best interest.
DON'T let your friends tell you what to do. Though they mean well they are not experienced in the coming and goings of a matrimonial courtroom. DO listen to your attorney, he/she knows more than your friends.
DON'T depend upon your memory. DO document everything that you might think will be important later on. Also keep a journal of important dates and events.
DON'T pay your child support late. DO pay it on time. Not only will you avoid legal ramifications, you are also supporting your children. The money goes towards the rent/mortgage, food, clothes, utilities and other necessities.
DON'T call your visitation with your children "Your time" and base things around your schedule. DO remember that the children have a social life too. They have soccer, birthday parties and friends. It is important that their social life be as normal as possible. They are not the ones who are divorcing, you are. So let them maintain a normal social calendar.
DON'T let the children guess when they are supposed to be with you. DO keep a calendar for the children as to the regular visitation and special visitation such as holidays and vacations.
DON'T pick up your children for visitation if have been drinking or have been doing drugs. DO arrange with your (ex)spouse for another time that you can spend with the children.
DON'T make your children feel like a "guest" in your new home. DO make the children feel that your new home is also their home. That should include whatever chores they were responsible for at your prior home they should also be responsible for at your new home.
DON'T let the children play one parent against the other. DO talk to your (ex)spouse when you feel this happening and make sure that the two of you are on the same page.
DON'T question the children regarding the activities of your (ex)spouse. DO keep the children out of the line of fire between you and your (ex)spouse.
DON'T use the children as messengers. This puts them right in the middle. Not only are you risking their love and affection you are also relying upon the child to get the message to your spouse correctly and in the manner you meant it. DO speak directly to your (ex)spouse. This way there is no miscommunication or confusion. If there is a restraining order in place that forbids contact then ask your attorney how you should proceed.
DON'T make promises to the children that you can not keep, especially extravagant ones. DO make sure your promises are realistic, appropriate and that you are capable of carrying out the promise.
DON'T rehash the things that have happened in the past, you can't change what has already ready happened. DO learn from those things, fix what you can and then let them go.
It sounds almost too good to be true -- the "do-it-yourself" divorce. Why would you want to have to deal with lawyers or spend thousands of dollars on attorney's fees if you don't have to? In South Carolina, as in most (if not all) other states, parties are allowed to represent themselves in Family Court for any case, including divorces.
When I am asked this question, I typically respond with this analogy. When you are sick, you can go to the pharmacy and try to get some over-the-counter medicine to treat yourself or you can go to a doctor. Sometimes, you only have something minor, like a cold, and treating yourself might work alright. However, other times, the symptoms that you think are nothing could be a sign of something more serious. Even worse, failing to seek medical treatment promptly might result in more serious consequences later.
Attorneys charge fees for their expertise in their areas of practice. They know which cases are serious and which are simpler. They can advise you of what course of action is right for your specific fact situation. One of the things that I enjoy about Family Court cases is that almost every single case is different due to the people and facts involved. You simply cannot get that from a "kit".
I have seen far too many cases where people tried to handle their case without an attorney, only to cause greater problems for themselves. For instance, what if certain assets (such as retirement accounts) are not addressed in the Divorce Decree? What if the order doesn't require the other person to refinance the mortgage on the former marital residence? These problems can have long lasting effects, which may not be able to be corrected at a later date when they are discovered.
If you want to read more about what can happen in "do-it-yourself" divorces, you should read the article, "Do-It-Yourself Divorce Doesn't Always Sever Ties" by Jessica Garrison, published earlier this week in the Los Angeles Times, or the United Press International article, "Calif. Couples Stumped by Divorce Process" published yesterday. That article explains that sometimes those cases result in people actually not being divorced, only to later learn that they are committing bigamy. In South Carolina, bigamy is still a crime, specifically it is a felony.
The bottom line is that you shouldn't put yourself in that situation. If you want to get a divorce, you should always consult a qualified attorney. You can almost always find an attorney that fits within your budget, and any attorney is generally better than no attorney. However, you typically get what you pay for, and you will probably get better service and better results from a quality family law attorney.
Posted on December 18, 2006 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Holidays can be a particularly tough time for families going through divorce. The images of traditional, "perfect" families can be difficult when your family is going through such a difficult time. Hopefully, for people facing such challenges, these tips from YourHub.com will help ease such trauma during this holiday season:
Recognize you are not alone. In the United States, 52% of first marriages and 62% of second marriage end in divorce. The greeting card images of warmth and loving families are not the reality for many, many families. You are not alone if you or someone you love is in the middle of a divorce or just finalized a divorce.
Acknowledge that you need to take care of yourself. You are preoccupied, forgetful, clumsy and accident prone. You need to create a health promoting environment around you, and do what you need to relax. Take a walk alone, go to movies, get a massage, or take a fitness class.
Stay in the present. This is not the year to dwell on holidays past or worry over holidays future. The past is especially non-productive. Whether the holidays with your "ex" were wonderful or terrible, you will not find it helpful to mull them over right now. Now is the time to make new traditions for yourself and your family.
Choose to be a survivor. With any trauma, such as divorce, you have a choice between being a survivor or a victim. The challenge of divorce can actually make you stronger, if you choose survival. To be a survivor, you must stop processing and reprocessing the same old stuff. We know it is not easy to stop digging through the remains of your feelings, but you need to
Put the legal and financial side of the divorce "on hold" until January, unless you have a hearing this month. Be careful not to make decisions or large expenditures while under the influence of the holidays.
Be the adult parent for your children. Every parenting exchange is likely to be somewhat more emotionally charged as the holidays approach. The parental divorce involves a deliberate decision to keep the trauma away from your children. Remember that the goal is for the children to remember the holidays as a time of joy. You don't want the children to remember their folks always fought for the holidays.
The spousal divorce gets tricky this time of year. Feelings are escalated. You may want to exchange holiday greetings with your extended "ex" family. If you have a relationship with a former sister-in-law, call her but don't discuss the divorce. Don't be shocked if some of your "ex-in-laws" treat you as an "ex human being," though, and don't assume that the discomfort of this Christmas will plague all future Christmases.
Celebrate your mood swings. You might as well simply acknowledge that you will have mood swings, and treat the ups and downs as a normal component of the divorce process. Try to avoid exaggerating the mood swings with excessive use of alcohol, however, as the reality is that alcohol acts as a depressant, and clouds your judgment. (See, your high school health teacher was right.)
Plan what you will do with the rest of your life. This time of year presents wonderful opportunities for reflection. You are now free to guide your own destiny, based on what is meaningful to you. Think about the things you always wanted to do, but never made room for. The divorce process, painful as it can be, also is a liberation to make plans that suit your interests, needs and personality. Do you have a vocation you have never developed? Think of moving, regenerating, reenergizing, gaining both health and perspective. Plan to participate in a charity project, to help yourself by helping others.
Have Fun. Think of what makes you smile...get away from the intensity. Give yourself some space to actually celebrate and have a good time with friends and family. You are not betraying your sorrow at saying good-bye to a failed marriage if you actually have some fun.
As you are most likely aware, Massachusetts legalized "gay marriage" in 2004, and Vermont and Connecticut have since authorized "civil unions" that extend marriage-like rights to same-sex couples. Ever since then, legal experts have begun debating what would happen when those couples chose to terminate those relationships, as CNN has reported.
This issue has been addressed by a handful of state appellate courts, who have reached different conclusions thus far:
The Iowa Supreme Court dismissed a case involving the dissolution of a Vermont civil union by holding that the various groups and other individuals challenging the ruling lacked standing to bring the appeal. (Alons v. Iowa District Court)
The Virginia Court of Appeals has ruled that despite of the its "Marriage Affirmation Act", Virginia mustgive full faith and credit under the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act ("PKPA") to a custody determination made by a Vermont court growing out of a Vermont civil union. The opinion states that the federal "Defense of Marriage of Act" (DOMA) does not create an exception to the PKPA and that both statutes must be given effect. The opinion includes no discussion about the relationship between Virginia's Marriage Affirmation Act and Virginia's version of the UCCJEA. (Miller-Jenkins v. Miller-Jenkins)
A hearing is scheduled this week in Rhode Island to address whether a Rhode Island same-sex couple married in Massachusetts may divorce. Rhode Island state law neither expressly recognizes or prohibits same-sex marriages.
A recent article points out that divorce among older Americans (those in their 50's through their 80's) is increasingly common, a trend which is being called "gray divorce." The U.S. Census found that the divorce rate among Americans older than 65 grew from 6.7 percent in March of 2000 to 8 percent just four years later. Several factors are believed to contribute toward this trend, including incompatibility during retirement, greater independence of women, and increased life expectancy.
AARP The Magazine conducted a study, "The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond," in May of 2004, which surveyed 1,147 men and women, ages 40 to 79, who divorced in their 40s, 50s or 60s. The results of this study found that women cited alcohol and drug abuse, physical or emotional abuse, and infidelity as the main reasons for divorcing. In that same study, men listed falling out of love and different lifestyles or values as their primary reasons.
In the past, unhappy spouses were more likely to have suffered in silence. However, professionals believe that the Baby Boomer generation's tradition of self-expression may be contributing to the breakup rate in that age group and also influencing the generation above. Women also have greater economic independence and security today than in years past, which gives them greater ability to get out of unhappy marriages.
Interestingly, the AARP report found that "Compared to other losses that may occur at midlife or older, people age 40 and older generally feel that divorce is more emotionally devastating than losing a job, about equal to experiencing a major illness, and somewhat less devastating than a spouse's death." There are many resources available to help spouses cope with the loss of their marriage, including support groups, seminars, and various books on this subject.
Source: "Divorce on Rise for Older People" by Ronni Gordon, published in The Republican (Springfield, MA). Thanks to Jeffrey Lalloway of the California Divorce and Family Law blog for his post last week about this article.
Posted on November 17, 2006 by J. Benjamin Stevens
A recent article in The Syracuse Post-Standard reported that the following books can help kids deal with issues and emotions surrounding divorce. The fiction titles include characters coping with similar circumstances that occur when parents divorce.
"The Divorce Express," by Paula Danziger. Phoebe spends much of her time riding a bus between her divorced parents' houses. She tries to fit in each place while figuring out who she really is. Ages 11 and older.
"Southpaw," by Rich Wallace. Jimmy moves to a new town when his parents divorce. He then has to deal with an ultra-competitive dad when he joins the baseball team. Ages 8 and older.
If you (or someone you know) are living with your former spouse or considering doing so, you should read Lee's excellent article and consider the points he raises.
Source: "Living Together After Divorce" by Lee Borden.
As you may have heard by now, Paul McCartney and his wife, Heather Mills McCartney, are going through an increasingly nasty divorce. Through it all, the former Beatle has stated his intent to conduct himself with "a certain dignity."
Some wisdom from Sir Paul that every party in a divorce could learn a lot from:
"There are certain things in life that are personal, and I think a relationship with a partner is intensely personal, and I prefer to keep it that way."
"When you are going through difficulties, I think the thing to do for the sake of all the people all concerned is to keep a certain dignity and remember that it is a private affair, and that way, you will probably get through it better."
"Life goes on. I do not hold grudges against anyone."
"I think life goes on, and it is what you make of it..."
You are probably not surprised to hear that divorcing parents often do things that negatively affect their children. Use the children to manipulate or control their spouse? Sure. Put the children directly in the middle of a nasty, contested case instead of trying to shield them? Unfortunately yes.
What if there were programs to educate parents and help them become cooperative ex-spouses? Fortunately, there are many such programs located across our state and across the country. One such program in the Upstate is the "Children in the Middle" (CIM) program offered by The Phoenix Center in Greenville, SC.
The CIM program, formerly known as PACT (Parent and Child Transition), is a four week program that addresses how the divorce experience relates to parenting. Through small group sessions, this program allows both custodial and non-custodial parents a chance to consider different points of view. You can click HERE to view a *.pdf description of this program, including its statistical success rate.
The Chicago Sun-Times reports that an investment banker will receive $9.7 million after his ex-wife destroyed his career and reputation with a damaging letter sent to 200 people, including potential employees, colleagues, charities and friends.
The letters alleged that he boasted of bribing judges, made plans to have her killed, and duped his employers out of money with a lucrative investment scam. It also detailed allegations from the couple's divorce.
The woman's letter sent the banker's career "into a nose-dive" when he found himself demoted (from his $1.5 million a year position) and later, struggling to find a job at all. The man claims to this day that he cannot explain why his ex-wife distributed the letter.
The ex-wife's attorney argued in his closing statements that she had endured "emotional torture" in the marriage and that sending the letters "was the only way to protect" herself from her ex-husband's threats. The ex-husband has maintained that he had no contact with her since they divorced.
You can get more information about this story by clicking HERE.
Posted on September 28, 2006 by J. Benjamin Stevens
If you are interested in the growing trend of divorce mediation as opposed to traditional litigation, you should read "Mediate or Litigate: Which is Best for Your Divorce Client". This article was written by Maria Imbalazano of Stark and Stark in Princeton, NJ for the August 2006 New Jersey Law Journal Family Law Supplement. You can download this article by clicking HERE.
I am pleased to present the following post from my law partner, Paul MacPhail:
One question that is frequently asked by our clients is “If I die before I’m divorced, will my spouse get anything from my estate?” Let's take a look...
Consider this example. The wife filed for divorce in June and the divorce was granted on September 27, 1996. The husband died on October 7, 1996, prior to the divorce order being signed and filed with the Clerk’s Office on October 11, 1996. The South Carolina Court of Appeals addressed this situation in Hatchell v. Freeman, and it held that the wife was still the husband’s spouse for the purposes of inheriting from his estate. As a result, the wife was able to make a claim against the estate of the husband for her intestate share, which, if there were no surviving children, would be 100 percent!
What happens in other scenarios? Subject to some exceptions, the following would apply:
In the above situation, if the husband died after the filing of the divorce decree, the wife would no longer have been a surviving spouse, and she would not have had any right to inherit from his estate, even if named in his will. See S.C. Code Section 62-2-507 (revocation of disposition by divorce or order terminating property rights) and S.C. Code Section 62-2-802 (effect of final orders: Divorce Decree or Decree of Separate Maintenance).
What if divorcing party makes a new will during the divorce disinheriting spouse and then dies before the divorce decree (or decree of separate maintenance) is filed in the clerk’s office? The surviving spouse would be entitled to an elective share of one-third of spouse’s estate. See S.C. Code Section 62-2-201 (elective share statute).
What if the deceased spouse’s will pre-dates the marriage and doesn’t mention his/her spouse? Here, the surviving spouse would receive 100% of the estate if there are no children of the deceased spouse, or 50% if there are children. See S.C. Code Section 62-2-301 (omitted spouse provision).
Are there ways to avoid the consequences of these laws? Yes, there are steps that you can take to protect your heirs and avoid enriching your estranged spouse. You should consult with your family lawyer and/or estate planning attorney to find out the steps you can take in your particular case.
Disclaimer: The above summaries of law are subject to exceptions. Your particular situation may involve facts that would allow for a different result. Consult with an attorney for advice.
By now, you have probably heard the story of the doctor in New York who blew up his $9 million dollar upper East Side home to avoid losing it in a divorce settlement. If you want to read about this sad situation, you can read the New York Daily News article, "Marriage, Home Go Up in Fames," for more information.
Even here in South Carolina, I had a client years ago whose husband blew up her automobile less than ten feet from where she was sleeping — while it was parked in the carport at their adult daughter's home. Fortunately, my client and her daughter were unharmed and the house was repaired, but the car obviously didn't make it.
ABC News 'Primetime' recently published an in depth look at the extraordinarily nasty — even deadly — things people do in divorces to those they once loved. This article, "Divorce Wars: When Love Turns Nasty," provides insight into this growing trend.
Question: How old do you think a child should be before you tell him the specifics of your divorce? My son is 10 and has been asking me why his dad and I broke up. It was because his father left me for his current wife of two years, and I'm thinking now that my son is older he should probably know the truth before he gets any closer to that woman his father married. What do you think?
Answer: OK, we understand the desire to be vindicated. Your ex left you for another and that's not playing fair, but you have to ask yourself when considering passing on information like this, "How will knowing this help my son? Will it make him stand a little taller and feel more secure? Will it improve his quality of life?" We doubt it. Plus, your ex has been married to the other woman for two years and you haven't sheltered your son from her so far, so he has probably already built some sort of rapport with her. Offering this type of information now would undermine not only the relationship he has built with her, but also his relationship with his father. We can't see how sharing this information with him at this point in his life will improve your son's quality of life, so we vote no on telling him for now.
What about when he becomes an adult, is that a good time to tell him? Our answer would still be the same. If the information isn't pertinent to making his life better, the information need not be volunteered. We aren't saying lie to him. The fact is, the truth has a funny way of coming to the forefront even if we don't push. As a result, you may be confronted by your son asking you for the real story without your needing to volunteer the information. He might be told by an aunt or an uncle, or even a friend who knows the whole story. With this in mind, no matter how difficult it may be, it's best to talk to your ex now and agree about how both of you will present the truth if asked. Don't add insult to injury by lying or tell your son two different stories. Be prepared just in case it happens and get on the same page.
For the record, we would like to say, "Bravo!" We know only what you have told us, but we certainly acknowledge that it's tough to stay quiet with information like this, especially if you have been wronged. The fact that you have has obviously been for the sake of your child. That's a sign that you are putting him first, and that's always the best thing you can do.
Ever wonder what happens to the family pets when couples divorce? If so, consider the following article from the Florida Divorce Law Blog:
In most states, pets are viewed legally as property, to be equitably distributed in a divorce. In practice, pets typically follow the children in a divorce. But what about when the pets are the children, the only children? Childless couples can be as attached to their “pet children” as couples with human children are to their children.
The law’s very different current view of pets can be powerful incentive to settle pet “custody” by mutual agreement, rather than incur the displeasure of a judge. But change may be in the wind. More and more divorcing couples do see what happens to the family pets as a custody / visitation issue. And the Animal Legal Defense Fund is lending support to their cause.
In an 18 page friend of the court legal brief, the Fund makes it clear that pets do have preferences as to caretakers and the best interests of the pet deserve consideration. And animal law, including animal rights law, is gaining recognition as a distinct branch of the law. It’s likely only a matter of time before custody law catches up to pet owners’ (or pet parents’) perceptions.
Promise your mate you will never join an internet "cheaters" service.
Put any positive thoughts of a "love triangle" in the company shredder.
Guard your affection for your spouse or significant other. Don't give it away carelessly.
In 2006 share cards, chocolates, flowers, hotel suites and gifts with just ONE - your spouse.
Tell yourself you will get caught - no matter how selective a gene pool you left.
Understand that not every parent who cheated on their spouse is a wise or a good example to follow.
Convince yourself that car behind you is a private investigator placing a "tail" on you.
Look for reasons to keep your marriage alive - try a defibrillator if necessary.
Communicate to save your marriage. Be open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires and aspirations.
Be affectionate, accountable, understanding and honest this year ( of course with your spouse). Try signing up for a marriage seminar or retreat. Check with a local church for events in your area.
Read this aloud "Affairs seem exciting and fulfilling for a moment but destructive to me, my family, friends, employer and future. It's not worth it and I'm too smart for that troubled way of living!"
Extramarital affairs are just too costly even for the wealthy. Do everyone around you a big favor, including your kids, use just one bed - the one at home - with your spouse.
Value your health. You can't risk the future over a fling. Cheaters often spread STD's.
Agree that a little "self-indulgence" will lead to an affair - so listen to your conscience before it leads anywhere.
I recently became aware of a great new blog, The Online Lawyer, which has practical, useful posts on topics from family law to bankruptcy. The blog is published by M. Travis Robbins, an attorney in Tallahassee, Florida. The following article, Divorce: Things To Consider, was published a few weeks ago:
I once heard an acquaintance say that the happiest day of his life was the day he got married and the second happiest was the day he got divorced. From that statement I think it is safe to assume that his ex-wife would probably put the two in reverse order. Although my wife and I have been happily married for eleven years I am not so blind as to think all marriages work out. Sometimes there is just no reconciling marital differences. If you have decided to get divorced consider the following:
Consider Mediation First
As a general rule, the more the parties can work out themselves the happier each will be with the end result. Consider mediation. Mediation is an opportunity for each party to appear before a neutral third party to discuss issues such as alimony, child support, child custody, asset division, etc. Divorce mediators are skilled in drafting divorce agreements addressing each of these issues. If the parties are able to reach an agreement at mediation the agreement may be submitted to a family law judge for approval. In many cases, a hearing may not even be necessary for a judge to grant a divorce pursuant to a mediated divorce agreement.
All statements made during mediation are confidential and cannot be submitted before the court. Also, if the parties are unable to reach an agreement at mediation they do not have to sign the agreement. A word of caution: If your spouse appears at the mediation with an attorney and you do not have an attorney, terminate the mediation until you counsel with a divorce attorney. I know numerous individuals who tried to avoid paying attorney's fees by negotiating with the other party's attorney. I have never seen a case where the unrepresented party came out ahead (or break even for that matter).
Custody and Visitation of Children
If the parties cannot agree on legal custody of the children, a court will determine who gets custody. The primary consideration in determining custody is what is in "the best interest of the children." Many states have different criteria for determining such interest. Consult a local divorce attorney in your area to find out what factors your state uses.
The spouse who is granted "legal custody" has the right to make decisions about a child's upbringing including the children's schooling, religion, medical care, etc. The parent who is granted "physical custody" has the right to have the child live with that parent. Often "legal" and "physical" custody are shared; but more often than not shared custody is the result of a mediated divorce agreement. The noncustodial parent is usually allowed reasonable visitation rights. The parents are usually left to work out their own schedule of time and place for visitation which allows the parents flexibility in determining the schedule.
Child Support
Most states have legislated guidelines for determining child support based on the income and expenses of each parent. In determining child support, most states require the court to look at the needs of the child (i.e. health insurance, education, day care, and special needs), the income and needs of the custodial parent, the paying parent's ability to pay, and the child's standard of living before divorce or separation. Most states require each parent to fill out a financial statement before a court can make a decision.
Alimony
Alimony (a/k/a spousal support) means payment by one spouse to another following a divorce. Alimony is usually granted when the marriage was of a long duration and one spouse earns considerably more than the other. Alimony is also usually granted when one spouse has left the workforce to raise the children or manage the household. Make sure you keep adequate records if you are paying or receiving alimony.
Getting divorced is one of the most stressful times in a person's life. Emotional issues such as custodial time with the children and who is at fault become inextricably bound with the financial issues of support and equitable distribution. There are many choices to be made at a time when perhaps you can't even think straight. One of those choices is whether to start legal proceedings in court and advance through litigation or try to settle the issues through mediation.
Divorce mediation is a process whereby the husband and wife attempt to reach a resolution of the issues involved in their case (outside of an adversarial process) with the help of a neutral third party. Many times the mediator is an attorney but his/her role is not to give legal advice but to facilitate discussions and explore options with the parties. It is the parties who come to an agreement. The mediator is not a judge and is not there to enter into the dispute or take sides. The mediator's role is the manage the conflict and maintain the process.
The first step in any mediation is to identify the issues. Most issues involved in a divorce case are financial such as child support, alimony, and equitable distribution of assets and debts. However, custody may also be an issue ripe for mediation. The parties must decide parenting time arrangements not only on a daily basis, but must also deal with holidays, vacations, education and medical issues.
In order to successfully mediate a divorce case, both parties must participate on a level playing field. Information is key to solving problems and if one party has most of the information, he/she must share that information fully and truthfully. Several sessions of a mediation may be used to gather financial information such as the value of each and every asset and debt as well as the incomes and future expenses of both parties. This information is shared and each issue is explored thoroughly with both parties offering suggestions on how best to resolve that issues. The mediator may also suggest options or alternatives for the parties' consideration.
Each party should consult with an attorney during the mediation process to become familiar with the law and how it applies to their case. Since the mediator does not give legal advice, it is imperative for the parties to seek that advice before entering into any agreement. It is far better to obtain that advice early on, then after the process is finalized.
When all of the issues have been resolved between the parties, the mediator drafts a Memorandum of Understanding which sets forth the parties' agreements. This document is not signed. Each party should then take it to their attorney to be reviewed and transformed into a Property Settlement Agreement.
There are several benefits to mediation as opposed to litigation. It is a non-adversarial process. The parties want to solve their problems and maintain their relationship, most often because of the children. Litigation tends to pit the parties, one against he other, with each digging in their heels and fighting to the death. Mediation is a gentler process. Further, it is private. Outside intervention is basically limited to the mediator although experts may be consulted to give advice. The mediation process will, in all likelihood, be less expensive than litigating the case and the process is faster because it is done on the parties' time line, not the court's.
Mediation is not right for everyone. It works best for those who recognize they have a dispute, agree on the need to resolve it, and want to actively participate in the process designed to settle their dispute.
"Divorce and Dissipation: Hidden Assets and Spending" by Suzanne Griffiths, published in Colorado Biz, contains an excellent discussion on the topic of dissipation. She states, "marital asset dissipation occurs when one spouse has previously consumed, given away or otherwise transferred, mismanaged, converted, or otherwise adversely affected property that, had it been before the court, would have been subject to equitable distribution. This commonly takes the form of spending marital funds for the benefit of paramours or wasting marital property."
This article points out that when making a dissipation claim, a spouse needs only to prove that the expenditure was made at or during the time of the marriage breakdown or was spent for a non-marital purpose, (such as significant gifts, hotel rooms, air tickets etc for a mistress,) during the marriage. Once this has been established, it is the burden of the other spouse to prove the funds were spent on a legitimate purpose. If the court finds that dissipation has occurred, it will appropriately adjust its division of property to offset the dissipation.
Ms. Griffiths recommends considering the following points in analyzing a potential claim for marital asset dissipation:
Your attorney should be your first resource in making a dissipation claim. Through interrogatories, requests for production of documents, financial releases and depositions, she or he can trace just about any of your spouse's expenditures during the time of the marriage and can use documents turned up to file a dissipation claim.
By the same token, be aware that any expenditure you make -- be it with credit cards, checking accounts, cash withdrawals or rewards and mileage accounts -- are subject to review by your spouses' attorney through the normal course of divorce proceedings and can be used against you in a dissipation claim.
It's not size that matters: The fact that you or your spouse dissipated items of little monetary value will not stop the court from adjusting its allocation of resources, although you personally might determine that the costs of pursuing the dissipation claim exceeds the benefits of having it remedied.
Ease up on the vice: Excessive expenditures on gambling, drinking, or indiscriminate spending are considered grounds for a marital asset dissipation claim. In addition bad behavior that is seen as economic fault can significantly influence the judge's discretion in making an equitable division of marital assets.
Trim down the transfers: If you or your spouse transfer assets to a family member, lover, or third party, one of you may be allocated another asset to make up for the loss caused by the transfer.
Play down the paramour: Spending marital property on gifts for a significant other is a prime example of asset dissipation and very likely to result in a court-ordered adjustment of property division. It also infuriates the spouse who discovers the dissipation, and may substantially reduce any prospect of reaching an amicable settlement out of court.
Business is business: Business expenses, are not usually considered dissipation when they are within the range of day-to-day operations and comparable salaries.
Your word is your bond: If you or your spouse agreed to an expenditure during or after the breakdown of the marriage then there are no grounds for a claim of asset dissipation.
Hobbling hobbies: Expenditures on recreational activities or hobbies that both parties enjoyed, or approved of, during the marriage are not usually considered examples of dissipation.
Assessing the damage: The court values dissipated marital assets as at the date that they were dissipated. This is particularly important as it pertains to investment or retirement accounts, as if one spouse cashes out, the court will value the investments based upon on the date they were sold, not based upon what they might have turned into had they remained invested.
COUPLES LEARN DIVORCE ISN'T FINAL UNTIL DECREE IS FILED
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Married? In Arkansas," who found to her dismay that her husband was still married to his first wife, I thought I should write. It happens more than people would like to think.
I have worked for more than 10 years on a divorce court staff, and I would advise all divorced people -- male and female -- to request a certified copy of their divorce decree. This official document is available from the courthouse in which they were divorced.
I know of at least two instances where the lawyers failed to submit the decree of divorce to the judge. It was only discovered more than a decade later. In the first instance, as part of the property settlement, the husband was going to buy out his ex-wife's interest in the former marital home. The provision was triggered by the youngest child turning 18. The mortgage company needed a copy of the divorce decree to refinance the mortgage. Surprise -- both the husband and wife had remarried! They had to go through another divorce proceeding. (It was probably more amicable than the first.) But they were humiliated, not to mention furious at the attorney. Then they had to "remarry" their current spouses.
The second incident was very sad. The parties' son was killed in an accident. In the process of filing a wrongful death action, a copy of their divorce decree was needed. That's when they learned their case had been dismissed for "failure to prosecute." Again, the attorney had not filed the judgment, even though the parties had appeared in court and testified.
Please, Abby, tell your readers if they have gotten a divorce and do not have a certified copy of their divorce decree, to get one now. Most attorneys are hard-working and honest. But it never hurts to have insurance, and this is some of the cheapest insurance they'll ever get. -- CONCERNED COURT REPORTER
DEAR CONCERNED: I'm sure your letter will raise some eyebrows, but you have offered some good advice, and I hope my readers will pay attention to it.
If one spouse in a divorce case wants to have the other spouse tested for drugs, they can file a motion and the Judge will decide whether to grant the request. Generally speaking, if custody or visitation is an issue, and there is some reason for suspecting abuse, the Judge will grant the request and require the drug test.
One warning that I give all my clients is that if they request a drug test, assume that the other side will also request one of them and that the Judge will order both parties to be tested. Too frequently I have had my own clients tell me they wanted their spouse tested and that they didn't mind taking a drug test themselves because there was no way the wouldn't pass it. Then inexplicably (the client is always shocked) their spouse passes and they fail.
Do not put yourself (and your lawyer) in that position. In our jurisdiction the Courts are requiring hair follicle tests which purportedly are more accurate and test back farther in time. Whether that is true or not, you don't want to test positive for drugs on the drug screen that you demanded be taken! Of course, the best advice here (particularly if custody of children is at issue) is that if you are using drugs, you don't need to have custody of your children. Or, the converse, if you want custody of your children, do not be using drugs.
It took co-authors Alison Clarke-Stewart and Cornelia Brentano a couple of years to synthesize hundreds, if not thousands, of studies and surveys on divorce for their book "Divorce: Causes and Consequences." The Orange County professors were assigned the chore by Yale University Press.
Clarke-Stewart, a professor of psychology and social behavior at UC Irvine, and Brentano, an associate professor of psychology at Chapman University, had taught a class on divorce at UCI for years and found themselves searching for a textbook that looked comprehensively at the research on divorce. They hope "Divorce: Causes and Consequences" will dispel myths about divorce and educate couples considering or undergoing a divorce, and those who work with divorcing couples.
"There really is a lot of fire out there in the debate about whether divorce is good or bad," Clarke-Stewart says. "What this book says is, it's good and bad. We hope people will take away this kind of balanced view." "Divorce: Causes and Consequences" includes first-person insights from their students about their parents' divorce. Clarke-Stewart and Brentano found those accounts so powerful that they self-published another book, "Divorce Lessons: Real-Life Stories and What You Can Learn from Them" as an easy-to-read, self-help book.
Q. Do you think most people would be surprised to know that the divorce rate has been going down and is actually the lowest it's been in 30 years?
Brentano: Probably the most common myth is that the divorce rate is ever increasing. That is sparked by the media. I just did a quick search for something on divorce, and instantly I get a slew of hits that point out the 'ever-increasing divorce rate.'
Clarke-Stewart: I guess you'd have to ask what interested group would want to say it's getting better? It serves everybody's purpose to make it worse.
Brentano: There are many divorce-reform organizations out there, grass-roots organizations who uniformly use this notion that the divorce rate is staggering.
Q. In the book you say that people should enter divorce with realistic expectations and reasonable demands. How do you do that at a time when emotions tend to run high?
Clarke-Stewart: I always tell my students in the last lecture of the class that they should only marry someone they think they could go through a divorce with. You really have to be good friends with the person. But I do think that information and education have gotto be helpful.
Brentano: There's evidence for that in the research. Both marriage education and divorce education promote better marriages, more stable marriages.
Clarke-Stewart: So the thing is, think about and find out the ways to make divorce the least destructive for the child instead of sweeping it under the couch. That was one of the surprising things in the literature and also in our conversations with the students taking our class, that parents don't seem to realize how much their children are suffering.
Q. Can you talk about the different ways that men and women suffer from divorce?
Clarke-Stewart: It's interesting that men seem to have the most extreme emotional reactions. For one thing, they are less likely to be the person who initiates the divorce. They're happy to go along year after year with things being, you know, just OK. They're the ones that are more likely to have the "nervous breakdown," or suicide attempt, or car accident, whatever. But they get over the reaction sooner, on average. Whereas for women, they may be more likely to feel some sense of relief at the beginning, but then when the reality of having more limited income and probably more sole parenting, child-care responsibility sets in, then it becomes very long-term depressing for them. And in terms of money, there is this statistic that women's family income tends to go down and sometimes men's goes up. But in fact both parties end up with less family money than a married couple staying together.
Q. But is it more likely that men will be doing better economically?
Clarke-Stewart: Yes, and they remarry sooner.
Brentano: With men, you often see a fairly quick flurry of dating activity after divorce. Although they may be in a state of crisis, part of their coping mechanism is to find a replacement. Unless they are completely heartbroken. They aren't necessarily looking for the partner for the next marriage. For the former wife, that looks like the man is having a good time.
Q. And the men may not be having a good time?
Clarke-Stewart: No, they're probably not. But they're actively having a bad time.
Q. In your book you said that children say the worst result of divorce is that they miss their father.
Clarke-Stewart: Yes. These people of any age, in the place where you're supposed to have a father, they have a hole. Unless they have a stepfather that has filled in the hole, they will always be yearning and curious and feel rejected by the guy that left them.
Brentano: But it's really important to understand that it's not just any contact or frequent contact with the father regardless of what the quality of contact is. That is a message fathers don't always understand. It's not just about having control over the kids or having contact with the kids. Are you continuing to be a parent and are you evolving as a parent? Kids later on comment on that. They say, yeah we did all these things, or he bought me things, but I never really had a relationship with him. And that hurts, too.
Q. There are positive consequences though, right, for children and adults?
Clarke-Stewart: For some children and some adults, yes. If you're in a dysfunctional family, to be out of it and into something better, even if you're alone, is positive. It's very hard to be in a situation that's painful every day, and it's hard for the kids, too.
Brentano: Also it's good for children to see their parents cope effectively - to have a new start, feel better, be better people, presuming that things go well, which it does often, too. It's learning how to overcome adversity. Parents can model that and they do model that often after divorce. If that happens, children can be better off.
Clarke-Stewart: Even though, I would say for every kid there is going to be a difficult transitional time. I think for every single kid. There's no totally painless way for children to experience their parents splitting up. But it can be over, and they can learn from it and they can recover.
Dr. Oren Hernandez, a Florida marriage counselor, developed an eight question "Divorce Test," which he claims can help determine if your marriage is on the right track. See what you think...
The questions:
Money is the number one cause of arguments in our relationship
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
Do you believe arguing is healthy?
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
We have trouble communicating with each other.
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
I'm satisfied with our sex life.
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
I trust my spouse completely?
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
Is taking time for myself in a marriage important?
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
I am worried that my spouse has the potential to be unfaithful?
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
Spirituality is important in our relationship?
a. Never
b. Sometime
c. Always
The Scoring:
To score, count the number of `A's" you have as answers. A perfect score is all 'A's.
If you scored between six and eight A's - Dr. Hernandez says - your relationship is in pretty good shape.
If you score between four and six, Dr. Hernandez says there may be something you might want to look at. And four and below? Dr. Hernandez says, definitely question your spouse.
The key to any successful relationship is communication, by now your test results should have you and your spouse talking.
Let's face it, sometimes there are cases that really should be resolved, but for one reason or another, they just can't be. This can be extremely frustrating for the skilled family law attorney, and it can also result in a case becoming (unnecessarily) expensive for the parties.
Jeffrey Behrendt of the Ottawa Divorce Blog recently published an article explaining the eight most common reasons this can happen. After each reason, I have listed both Mr. Behrendt's comments along with my own analysis.
The other divorce lawyer.
Behrendt: I do agree with the common perception that lawyers can make things more difficult than need be. The reasons for this are somewhat complex. Some lawyers are overly aggressive. This isn't solely the lawyer's fault - clients going through a divorce often want their lawyer to be aggressive. Aggression isn't the only problem - an inexperienced lawyer may not be reasonable simply because they don't know what a local judge may decide.
Stevens: The opposing attorney can make a world of difference in a case -- for better or for worse. In Family Court, each side has the ability to dictate to a certain degree how the case will be handled. Some attorneys rarely settle their cases, and every issue with them may be a battle. On the other hand, some attorneys have a reputation for folding as soon as the going gets tough. Some attorneys are more cooperative than others when it comes to producing necessary information. Since we cannot control whom the other side hires to represent him, we often have to play the hand we're dealt in this area.
Unreasonable clients.
Behrendt: One thing about being a divorce lawyer is that even though you've dealt with a situation many times before, a client knows more about it because a friend of a friend said something. Whether you like what the law has to say or not, for most middle-class couples in fairly average situations, the law is pretty clear. But it can be difficult to resolve a case if one spouse doesn't agree with what the law is. (As a side note, I agree that in a lot of cases, the result isn't fair, but that's a political, not a legal, issue).
Stevens: All clients bring their unique life experiences and expectations to their case. Some people cannot be pleased under any circumstances, and they should be avoided as clients at all costs. When I meet with a new person for a consultation, one of the key things I want to accomplish is to determine what sort of client he/she will be. If I do not like the person's attitude or personality, I will not represent them -- no matter how high the fee may be. Having reasonable clients is one of the things that I enjoy most about my work, and I am not willing to compromise on this issue.
Child Custody Disputes.
Behrendt: In most cases, you can say it's just money, and move on. With the children, you can't do this. Custody disputes are one of the most difficult types of case to settle.
Stevens: Custody cases are certainly complex and difficult, and many times they cannot be settled -- especially when both sides genuinely and legitimately want full custody of the same child. 'Tis has been the case since the times of King Solomon.
Delay.
Behrendt: It's usually in one spouse's interest (normally the payor) to delay settlement, even if it is just a matter of postponing the inevitable, while it's best for the other spouse (normally the recipient) to resolve things as quickly as possible. Add in delays because each spouse's lawyer is busy at a different time and it's no surprise that divorce cases aren't resolved quickly.
Stevens: With apologies to Mick Jagger, time is almost always on someone's side in family court cases. In custody cases, the party with temporary custody is certainly in no rush to get to a final hearing where he/she may risk losing it. Sometimes, one party simply does not want the marriage to end, and that party does not want the divorce hearing to ever actually happen. Some attorneys want to keep the litigation going on because that way his/her fees continue to grow.
Revenge.
Behrendt: Often the divorce process is used as a way of getting revenge on a spouse. Yes, you really can make you're spouse's life miserable through the divorce process if you wish to. And despite the high financial cost of doing this, many people choose to go this route. This is particularly the case where one spouse has had an affair.
Stevens: Amen, brother. I have actually had potential clients tell me "I want you to make my spouse's life hell in this case." They see the potential of abusing the legal process to satisfy their twisted desire to get back at their spouse, and certainly things such as depositions, discovery, etc. could be used toward that end.
Legally Aided Spouse.
Behrendt: Normally, high legal fees are an incentive to settle a divorce case quickly. Every dollar in legal fees is a dollar that is taken away from the children and from both spouses. However, where one spouse is legally aided and the other one isn't, one spouse bears all the financial consequences of a divorce battle while the other's finances aren't affected.
Stevens: Many times, the spouse with financial means will attempt to outspend or wait out the spouse without them. There is almost always some disparity in resources, and that aspect must be analyzed early and often in such cases.
Spouse Not Working.
Behrendt: Where one spouse isn't working - say they're a homemaker or disabled - I've found that cases are much more difficult to resolve. The non-working spouse seems to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the divorce case, and coming up with ways to make it complicated.
Stevens: This is very insightful observation by Mr. Behrendt, and I believe he makes a good point. Sometimes it is good for a party to have a job and other responsibilities/obligations to keep his/her mind from obsessing about the divorce case. If a party has nothing to do but focus on his/her problems, the divorce (as with any other stressful situation) can become overwhelming.
Interference from family.
Behrendt: I've had a number of cases where I think that the two spouses could actually work things out amicably - maybe even without the help of divorce lawyers. But there is a meddlesome family member who just won't let this happen, and who seems to have a large influence in one spouse's life. I find that this is particularly the case for younger couples, who probably still have a closer attachment to their parents than do older couples. It is also particularly prevalent in couples of Far Eastern origin where family has quite a different role and meaning in their lives than for people who are born and raised in Canada.
Stevens: Younger clients, typically in their early to mid-20's, are particularly susceptible to this type of interference. Parents, older siblings, or others may think that they are trying to help "protect" the client, but often they are only agitating an already tense situation. In other cases, third-parties sometimes manipulate parties to further their own agendas.
The AP published an interesting article earlier this week about "do-it-yourself" divorces. These services, typically found online, offer their customers the opportunity to obtain a low cost divorce, usually by utilizing fill in the blank forms. Are these services a good idea and what should you know if you are considering using one?
The best analogy with regard to these services is that of over-the-counter medicine. If you have the sniffles, you can go to the local drug store and buy one of many remedies. If you follow its directions, the medicine (along with mom's chicken soup) will probably fix you right up. You are only out a couple of bucks, and it was relatively painless.
However, if you are suffering from something more serious, a competent doctor would diagnose you and immediately begin the proper course of treatment. The time you wasted trying to treat it yourself may have been valuable, and your attempts to "help" yourself might end up hurting you.
I do not believe that "do-it-yourself" divorces are appropriate except maybe in the simplest of cases -- and only then if you cannot afford a "real" attorney. My opinion is not driven the desire to earn an extra buck or to make sure that my fellow attorneys have plenty of work. Rather, I want to make sure that everyone makes knowing, intelligent decisions and is protected as best they can be.
If your case is truly uncontested and simple, you should be able to have it handled for a reasonable fee, which is probably less than you might think. More importantly, if your case takes an unexpected turn or if problems arise, you will be protected and prepared to protect yourself. If you are using a "do-it-yourself" service, will anyone from the software company help you? That company views you as nothing more than a customer, and it is only interested in collecting your payment. It certainly does not owe you the duties than an attorney would.
Remember, you are not paying the attorney to simply prepare the documents for you. The documents themselves should be viewed more as the end result rather than the starting point. Instead, what you are really paying for (and what you really need), is the attorney's advice -- for the facts of your particular case. It may be what you don't know that could really hurt you in the end. If your case is important to you (and it certainly should be), then you owe it to yourself to make sure that it is handled properly. In the end, you have to ask yourself -- do you want to be a customer, or do you want to be a client?
You're getting a divorce. You've talked to your spouse. Now how do you tell your children, friends, and family? Should you tell your co-workers and your boss? Here's how to minimize the damage when you break the news.
In her book entitled The Good Divorce (Harper Perennial, $18), author Constance Ahrons identifies five stages in the divorce process. The first three -- the decision, the announcement, and the separation -- cause the most confusion and turmoil. "Deciding to divorce, telling your spouse and your family, and leaving your mate form the core of the emotional divorce," she notes. "These three transitions are characterized by ambivalence, ambiguity, power struggle, soul searching, and stress."
There's no question about it: the decision to divorce causes great upheaval. During this difficult time, you'll want and need the support of your family and friends more than ever. But how do you tell them the news that your marriage is over without creating undue stress for yourself or them? And when -- and how much -- should you tell the folks at the office? How you approach this subject depends on a couple of factors: the nature of the separation, and who you're announcing it to. Realize first, however, that there are no hard-and-fast rules to follow when you're breaking the news. What follows are some basic guidelines: modify them to fit your unique circumstances.
Family and Friends
When you announced your intention to marry to your loved ones, you probably had a pretty good idea of what their reaction would be: happiness, excitement, and congratulations. Unless your spouse was an unbelievable jerk, your family and friends probably haven't been looking forward to hearing about your marital breakdown, and their reactions are likely to be unpredictable, to say the least. Telling them is going to be painful and awkward, to greater or lesser degrees.
If the separation is non-adversarial, you and your spouse could consider sitting down together with each of your families to tell them about your breakup. But if your split is acrimonious, don't break the news together, warns Larry Nissan, director of the Psychotherapy Institute in Toronto. It may spark yet another fight between you two, only this time in front of your family. "They'll resent the two of you for it," he says.
Whether you make the announcement alone or with your spouse, it's a good idea to practice what you're going to say first and how you want to say it. Decide how much you're comfortable with telling them, and which details are appropriate to share with which people, then try not to be pushed into giving additional information. There is danger in giving too much information about fights or infidelities: it can leave your listeners angry and depressed with no outlet for their feelings. And if you eventually reconcile with your spouse, all those sordid details can make it hard to believe -- or accept -- that the two of you are back together.
Be gentle when you tell your loved ones, but don't start off with a long preamble: you'll spare everyone some anxiety if you just come out and say it, and then explain the situation as tactfully as possible. Nissan suggests that you start with "whomever you're closest to, whether it's your brother or your bowling team." He explains that starting with the people who you think will be the most supportive will help you get through this difficult time. Don't expect any particular response; there's no guarantee to how people will react. They may be shocked and upset at first, but will usually come around with offers of love and support once they've gotten over their initial surprise.
If your marriage wasn't a healthy one from the start, your friends and family may actually react positively to the news. But "healthy" may be a relative term in this case. If they disliked your spouse, they'll think that having him or her out of the family picture is a good thing. You, on the other hand, probably had a major struggle deciding whether or not to end the relationship, and their easy acceptance may shock you.
If your family has had a loving relationship with your spouse, however, they may feel torn between their loyalty to you and their bond with him or her. Unless your ex was secretly abusing you during your marriage, try not to demand that your family sever all ties with him or her. If you have children, make every effort to create a positive relationship with your ex-inlaws -- and encourage your family's good relationship with your former spouse. Your children will reap the benefits.
Beth Joselow, who divorced in 1991 after a 20-year marriage, makes these suggestions in Life Lessons: 50 Things I Learned From My Divorce (Avon Books, $12):
Ask for support from your family, but don't try to dictate their behavior toward your former mate.
Be conscious of your family's history with your former mate and of how they may be suffering the loss of your marriage along with you.
If family members seem insensitive to you, it may be because they're trying to work out their own feelings about you and your former mate. Let them know that you feel hurt, and give them a chance to rethink their attitudes.
"Divorce is a surprisingly public event," says Joselow. "You may find that people who wouldn't ordinarily comment on the private matters in your life suddenly feel duty-bound to tell you what they think of your decision, when, of course, you hadn't asked." And you may not be able to accurately predict the reaction of each of your friends when you tell them about the divorce, she warns. "Some friends will drift away from you, some may become staunch allies of your former mate, some may make you feel so bad each time you talk to them that you talk to them less and less often," Joselow says.
If this happens, try to take it in stride. "Take a closer look at the nature of your relationships with the people you once regarded as friends and who now seem to have disappeared," advises Mel Krantzler in his book Divorcing (St. Martin's Press, $6.99). "This is your time for reevaluating your connections with them. Ask yourself how many of them were habitual acquaintances rather than true friends, persons you knew because they lived in the same neighborhood and had lifestyles similar to your own, based on being married and having children ... These were the people with whom you never shared your innermost thoughts, or felt that they cared deeply for you. Losing them is really the loss of an old habit rather than the loss of true friendship."
At the Office
Divorce is such a personal issue that you may wonder why you would need to tell your boss and your co-workers about your situation. There are some advantages to breaking the news to the right people, such as your boss, however. Your work schedule may have to change due to appointments with a marriage counselor, a mediator, or a lawyer, and your boss will be more supportive if he or she knows about your difficult situation. They may also be more understanding if your productivity decreases for a few months because you're feeling especially depressed and distracted.
It's also a good idea to tell your human resources department about your separation or divorce. You may be eligible for some extended health benefits (such as therapy) that will help you through this difficult time, and the human resources department will have the information you need. There may also be pragmatic reasons to let your company know about your split: your tax status may have changed, and the payroll department may need to adjust your paycheck.
You may also want to break the news to some co-workers. "Be cautious of who you reach out to," advises Scott Fagan, a counselor and account manager at Warren Shepell Consultants, a Toronto company that provides confidential employee counselling for organizations. Some of your closest friends may also be your co-workers, but not every person you come in contact with at work needs -- or wants -- to hear every last detail, so limit what you say and stick with the facts. "It's not the business of the company to know your personal business unless it affects your work," Fagan says.
If some gossip hounds at work are having a field day with your situation, Fagan suggests you sit down with them and address the problem as directly as possible. Tell them that your divorce is your business only, not theirs. On the other hand, your divorce will affect almost everyone in your life to some extent, so expect people to talk. In that case, Fagan says, "Focus on what's important to you, and realize that you're feeling more sensitive than usual." If it isn't damaging your work or reputation, just let the gossip pass.
Answering Questions
Inevitably, you're going to have to answer questions about your divorce. You have two options here, says Nissan. Be honest and direct, or answer with "I'd rather not say" or "I'd rather not talk about it right now." Some people, even your family, may be inclined to ask uncomfortable questions ("Did she cheat on you?" or "Was it his gambling?"). If you want to answer those kinds of questions, go ahead. "Be explicit," says Nissan, but if you're uncomfortable responding to any questions, "be explicitly unwilling to answer as well."
People may have more than just questions; they may make some negative comments about you or your spouse. Realize that you can decline to respond to such comments, too. Politely but firmly tell these people that you are unready or unwilling to discuss the matter right now.
"I well remember breaking the news to my parents that I thought my marriage was in deep trouble, and my next sentence: 'I don't want to hear a bad word about him,' a request they honored," says Ashton Applewhite, author of Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well (HarperCollins, $24). "Finger-wagging is unwelcome and hindsight gives an unfair advantage, but unconditional support is a blessing."
Their Two-Cents' Worth
Beyond questions and comments, you'll probably have to field some unsolicited advice. Some people still fall into the sexist trap of offering advice like, "Go buy her something" or "Just make love to him, honey; it'll help the relationship." Nissan suggests answering to this type of misguided advice the way you would uncomfortable questions: "I don't want to talk about that right now." For the more supportive, yet unsolicited advice, you could say, "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not ready to deal with that yet." Remember: a response made out of irritation or frustration could be misconstrued, and you could regret opening your mouth.
Try not to let your family and friends fan the flames with negative comments about your ex such as "I never liked her" or "He was never good enough for you." Their negative opinions and suggestions may actually widen the gulf between you and your spouse, making a civilized divorce difficult to achieve.
You may also hear comments like "My sister's friend got everything, and her husband is now penniless." Don't let this scare -- or excite -- you. According to M. Sue Talia, a lawyer and author of How to Avoid the Divorce from Hell (Nexus Publishing Co., $12.95), "Rarely are court decisions or settlements so grossly one-sided ... It's hearsay, and they only know as much as they were told. [The] source probably has few if any, of the actual facts ..."
If your spouse's behavior ranges from irritating to abusive, some people may also say, "I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior," according to Talia. "The implication is that you are being a chump if you don't follow your friend's advice. The problem with this analysis is that no one else is inside your skin. Your friend, however sincere, has absolutely no idea how he'd react to that situation until he's had to face it himself."
Telling Your Kids
How you tell your kids depends on their age and developmental level. "Young children between the ages of three and five, for example, will really need concrete information," says Joan Sinclair, a social worker, family mediator, and counselor in private practice in Toronto. "They'll need to know they'll be taken care of, they'll be safe, that they'll have their toys with them, and that their needs will be met." Remember: keep it simple. Your children really don't need to know -- and they won't understand -- a lot of the more personal details of your divorce, so don't burden them with any unnecessary information. "It's not that you want to hide anything," Sinclair says. "Just tell them what they need to know."
How you and your spouse handle this difficult discussion with your children is a possible sign of how well you'll handle co-parenting. "It may be difficult, but if you can [break the news] together with grace as a team, it will show your kids you will always be together as parents," Sinclair says.
Telling your children the news requires a lot of homework ahead of time. Children's concerns are largely of a practical nature: they'll want to know where they're going to live (and with whom), where the dog will live, and whether they'll still be going to the same school. Before you tell the kids, work out a temporary visitation plan and find a new place to live, if necessary. And having a room ready for the kids in your new place will help to put them at ease about their future living arrangements.
Stan Benner, a counselor and family mediator with offices in Toronto and Brampton, says that assuring kids repeatedly of your love for them is the best way to cushion the news: "Tell your kids that your love for them is not going to change until they understand that -- and then tell them again!" he emphasizes.
A Kid's Point of View
Once you break the news, it will filter throughout your social network. This includes your children's circle of friends. Zoe Stern, 15, and her brother Evan, 13, have written a book with their mother, Ellen Sue, about how children can cope with divorce. In their book, Divorce Is Not the End of the World (Tricycle Press, $8.95), they offer advice to kids about telling their own friends about the divorce. "You might not know what to say or worry about how your friends will react," says Zoe. "You may even feel like a loser or a failure -- you wish you weren't one of those people who has to say those words, 'My parents are getting a divorce.' But the more people you tell, the easier it gets. Tell your close friends first. Start out slowly or practice in front of the mirror. Or ask a friend to tell some of your other friends."
Time Heals
This is an extremely difficult time for you, and you may feel compelled to tell everyone or no one at all about your situation. Remember that by telling your loved ones about your divorce in the most gentle way possible, you are surrounding yourself with positive love and support -- not rallying the troops for a battle against your ex. Divorce is a big transition for you and the people you care for, so give yourself and them time to process this news and come to terms with the changes that are about to occur. It won't be easy, but patience, support, and trust can ease the transition for everyone.
Couples Encouraged to Have Well-Organized Finances
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes ... the division of investment property? It's not a very romantic consideration, but a very real one for spouses whose trip to divorce court first must include a stop at the financial planner. Divorcing baby boomers, in particular, are likely to have accumulated investments during their marriage that must be divided.
Couples can use several strategies when planning their investments that will ensure a secure financial future, even if "happily ever after" winds up being not so permanent. One is recognizing the interconnectedness of emotions and finances. Dr. Rob Ronin, a Greenville financial psychologist, began his career as a financial planner and became a licensed clinical psychologist four years ago.
Today, he works closely with couples to help them reduce the negative thoughts and feelings that lead to money mistakes such as overspending, failing to save, or accumulating excessive debt, and coaching them on the skills needed for improving communication and reducing conflicts when making joint financial decisions. "I chose financial psychology specifically because I had observed in my clients how often emotional issues influenced financial issues, and how often financial issues affected their emotions," Ronin says. Such issues often manifested themselves as depression and anxiety.
Ronin advises clients to take an approach to financial planning that focuses not on who gets what if a marriage dissolves, but on creating a secure financial foundation for the marriage from day one. "By doing premarital family counseling, a couple can sit with a financial planner and a family therapist and talk about what their concerns are going into the relationship," Ronin says.
"Some people are spenders; some people are savers. Some people are organized; some people are more scattered. Then they can each develop an individual financial plan or a mutual financial plan satisfying those needs." In addition, couples that both have a 401(k) or other retirement account should choose investments that ensure a similar amount of risk. "Even if the couple doesn't divorce, there still needs to be the same asset allocation," Ronin says, noting that women often tend to choose more conservative investments than men.
Both Ronin and financial expert Lynn Faust note the benefits of each spouse maintaining a financial identity. "There's no difference in what women and men need to do," says Faust, senior vice president of investments at The Faust Group with Raymond James & Associates. "Specifically, it's important to continue to have liquid assets in your own name. In the event one spouse dies, what's in your name is yours. "In a divorce, there has to be an agreement," Faust continues. "I encourage (married) clients to each have checking, savings or money market accounts, and have a credit card in his or her own name so both have established credit."
Faust advises married clients to schedule monthly discussions to review their financial circumstances, noting that both spouses need to be up to date on what is being earned and spent. "A family financial situation is just that," Faust says. "Both parties need a will. Both parties need to be aware of all savings and debt. They should review their tax returns together."
Such involvement can eliminate instances where one spouse is confronted with negative financial surprises. Once the marriage hits the rocks, however, it's up to the courts to determine who gets what. And the presence of a prenuptial agreement doesn't necessarily guarantee divorcing spouses won't be subjected to the will of the court. "Non-marital property is property that parties agree to exclude by written contract," such as a prenuptial agreement, says Greenville attorney Linda C. Hayes. "A couple can agree to exclude investment property or any property" going into a marriage. What the couple acquires after the wedding is another story."
"S.C. code defines marital property as any real or personal property which has been acquired during a marriage or is owned at the time of filing (for divorce), regardless of how title is held," says Hayes. "The court has jurisdiction to divide (that) property." The court considers 17 factors, including duration of marriage, marital misconduct and support obligations when making its decision. Thus, communication might be spouses' most valuable tool in eliminating potential financial minefields. "It's critical to address areas of potential financial conflict," Ronin says. "This significantly reduces the amount of financial stress, strain and worry."
Source: "Modern Investing Complicates Divorces -- Couples Encouraged to Have Well-Organized Finances" by Amy G. Taylor, February 20, 2006 edition of GSABusiness.
Did you know there is a web-site for those who have cheated on their spouses? I was surprised when the site was shown to me by an acquaintance. On this site people talk about their affairs and share their love, pain, and guilt; kind of an internet therapy for cheaters.
I checked out the site and was shocked at the attitudes of the "cheaters." Some said they still loved their spouse, some said it was their spouse's fault that they cheated, some felt that the cheating was "nothing bad" as long as their husband or wife didn't find out! Talk about ego-centric! Only a few were contrite that they had broken their marital vows.
Cheating is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage. If couples choose to stay together after an affair has been discovered and ended, the effects of the cheating can be devastating to the innocent party. Trust, the basis of a good marriage, has been irrevocably broken.
How do you know for sure that your spouse is cheating on you? Besides the tell-tale signs of unexplained late hours, money that mysteriously disappears, lack of marital sex, and recent criticisms aimed at you, (your body, your attitude, your intelligence), by your cheating husband or wife, some people are looking for positive proof. The use of the private investigator has returned and their services are on longer only for the rich and famous.You, too, can have a PI looking out for your interests.
The help and assurance a private investigator offers can be invaluable.Like a good lawyer who works hard for her client a private investigator will work to give you the information that you need either for a confrontation or for legal purposes.
Most marriages do not survive a spouse's infidelities. If they do, the marriage remains damaged. Nothing is the same, or will ever be the same again.
There is no reason for cheating. Some women, (and a few men also), feel that there was something lacking in their own selves. They have a chorus of the "enoughs" as in "I'm not good-looking enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not sexy enough, I'm not good enough, etc." They tend to blame themselves for what is not their fault.
If you suspect your spouse of cheating and the idea of it is ruining your daily life, causing you to miss work and become depressed, then do consider a private investigator. The cost outweighs the tension and anguish of not knowing.
As far as cheating spouses go, women are just as apt to cheat as men. There is no real difference in the sexes.
Why do some spouses cheat and others do not? What makes one person hold his or her marriage vows sacred, while another risks throwing everything away? Despite the "psycho-talk" of religious upbringing, values, or moral fortitude, no one really knows the answer. A person with no religious background is just as likely to stay faithful as a person who has had religious instruction and values all their lives. A man or woman who has been brought up with certain values and morals will cheat the same as a man or woman who had no definitive morality.
Cheating by its very definition is wrong. Knowing for sure that your spouse is or isn't cheating is a must for anyone who suspects infidelity. Take charge of your life.
Earlier this week, the South Carolina Court of Appeals addressed the novel question of whether an annulment, which decrees a pre-existing marriage void ab initio, can be used as a defense in an action to void a marriage as bigamous, because the annulment dates back. In Lukich v. Lukich, the Court found that an annulment that declares a pre-existing marriage void ab initiodoes not relate back, so as to give validity to a marriage that was bigamous before the annulment. As a result, the Court held that the trial court did not abuse its discretion in barring the appellant from using her annulment decree as a defense to the respondent's bigamy action or by ruling that the respondent did not have to comply with the temporary order for spousal support, pending the outcome of his motion to vacate that order. The full text of this opinion is available here.
The following excerpt from a recent story, Army Divorce Rates Drop as Marriage Programs Gain Momentum, by Donna Miles for the American Forces Information Service, indicates that the programs instituted by the military are beginning to make a difference.
Soldiers and their spouses are flocking to new and beefed-up programs to help them strengthen their marriages, and a dip in divorce rates appears to show it's having a positive effect, Army officials told American Forces Press Service.
Divorce rates among Army officers dropped a whopping 61 percent last year following a 2004 spike that sent shudders through the service. In 2004, 3,325 Army officers divorced, but that number dropped to 1,292 in 2005, Army officials said. Divorces also were down slightly among enlisted members, from 7,152 in 2004 to 7,075 last year. ... .
[A] full range of programs -- from support groups for spouses of deployed troops to weekend retreats for military couples -- aims to help military families endure the hardships that military life often imposes. These programs are offered through the services' family support, chaplain and mental health counseling networks. For example, the Army's offerings include:
The Deployment Cycle Support Program, which includes briefings for soldiers on how their absence and return may affect their family relationships and how they can cope with the inevitable changes;
A family support group system that provides both practical and emotional support for spouses of deployed soldiers;
The Military OneSource program, which serves as a clearinghouse to steer soldiers and families to resources to support them;
The Building Strong and Ready Families program, a two-day program that helps couples develop better communication skills, reinforced by a weekend retreat;
The Strong Bonds marriage education program, which focuses specifically on issues that affect Reserve and National Guard couples; and
The P.I.C.K. a Partner program (Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge), which helps single soldiers make wise decisions when they choose mates.
Today, I am pleased to present the conclusion of yesterday's "guest post" from noted private investigator and author, Bill Mitchell: "Is Your Spouse Cheating Online?"
6. Clears all Internet history after chat sessions and/or usage or installs software to automatically rid this information.
There are times when a computer becomes filled with unwanted files. Computers run faster when less "temporary" files use up valuable "RAM memory." This is prudent maintenance for any computer user. What I am referring to in this sign is the repeated habit of purposefully clearing information from discovery. While this information is retrievable through the science of Computer Forensics, you won't find it readily available. On the market now is software that actually helps the cheater. The actual purpose of this new software tool is to hide any trace of computer internet usage. Do you find this a little suspicious? I do.
7. Exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted to stop.
"When are you coming to bed?" "We really need to go, now, what's taking so long?" "Can't you do that later?" Have you asked these types of questions? Teenagers often become "obsessed" with instant messaging. If you have kids who use the computer, you know. They have trouble walking away from the PC. This same desire or need displayed by your spouse is cause for alarm. A compulsive, defensive pattern of behavior shows a strong need to continue. You need to know why.
8. Shares personal information, photos or events with strangers in emails, chatrooms, or while instant messaging.
Setting up a profile for instant messaging is commonplace. Kids love to fill them up and share with friends on the buddy list. I've witnessed spouses who send nude pictures of themselves over the Internet. They share very personal information that should be reserved to the marital home. Maybe it's time to track this information with software that collects this data. Today more courts are allowing emails and computer usage data as evidence. It's advisable to consult an attorney in your state beforehand!
9. Plays online games and frequents "personals" chatrooms.
This is where it starts. Play a few games, win or lose, but then we need to chat. Well, if chatting is fine, why not include your spouse? You can't, so why do it?
10. Exhibits the eight warning signs illustrated in The More You Know--Getting the Evidence and Support You Need to Investigate a Troubled Relationship (available here).
Thirty plus years of investigative experience is poured into this new release. It's a "must have" resource guide for every woman's personal library.
#169; Copyright Bill Mitchell 2005. All rights reserved.
William F. (Bill) Mitchell, Jr., Seven-Day Detective, is an internationally renowned author who is recognized for his practical, solution-based investigative strategies to marriages facing infidelity. As a recognized expert on infidelity and child custody, Mr. Mitchell appears regularly as a guest expert on TV and national talk shows including Dr. Phil, Today Show, and The Early Show. He has been interviewed by numerous publications including Chicago Tribune, Esquire, Ladies Home Journal Online, and PI Magazine. Mr. Mitchell is the author of two books including Adultery: Facing Its Reality and The More You Know - Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship.
Mr. Mitchell is a licensed private investigator in South Carolina. He was formerly licensed in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and District of Columbia. His education includes training by the Department of Defense, Dektor Counterintelligence, New Jersey State Police, and various insurance claims organizations. Mr. Mitchell is a member of National Association of Investigative Specialists, Alliance of Investigators and Security Specialists, Carolina Organized Retail Theft Task Force, and Piedmont Claims Association. Mr. Mitchell, Seven-Day Detective, received a Bachelors Psychology from Mt. St. Mary's University. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina with his wife, three daughters, and a son.
It is with great pleasure that I give you part one of another "guest post" from noted private investigator and author, Bill Mitchell:
"Is Your Spouse Cheating Online?" by Bill Mitchell
It's obvious online affairs are prevalent today, so what can you do? This epidemic is causing the breakup of countless marriages. How do you know if your spouse is violating the marriage vows by carrying out an online affair? Let's look at typical indicators I personally discovered while investigating affairs. If your marriage is in trouble, these clues will help you be the judge. Caution: These clues are not confirmation of an affair; just feasible indicators for you take into account.
1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time online.
Who doesn't use a computer today? I know a few people. They are excellent for paying bills, staying in touch with family, friends, customers, finding street locations, and a host of other productive endeavors. We can not live without them and shutter when a lighting storm threaten our usage. Just look at kids and their instant messaging. They will go without dinner just to keep in touch with their circle of friends. Try to pull them away, it's no easy task. Does your spouse resemble your kid's magnetism to the computer? Discover why this need is so powerful before it's too late.
2. Passwords, instant message "buddy lists," Internet email accounts, and emails are concealed and even protected from you!
Do you find your spouse needing his "own space" at the computer? Is there a real reluctance when you ask to know his passwords? What's there to hide? These questions all have obvious answers. The act of hiding information is deceptive by nature. Of course, those of us who have worked in "Corporate America" understand the need to protect company secrets. But what legitimate "family secret" are we hiding? Listen, any time a spouse becomes secretive with you, it fulfills a direct need they demonstrate. Why? You are like the judge, referee, or source of authority creating that "sense of accountability" over them. Furthermore, they are breaking matrimonial law if committing adultery. There is, in many courts, a price to pay!
3. Computer use after you have gone to bed, when you fall asleep, or in the middle of the night.
Have you been awaken by the absence of your spouse at night and found her or him at the computer? If this behavior becomes a pattern, you certainly need to be concerned. While work demands a sense of commitment and loyalty, working late repeatedly after you have fallen asleep is a little odd.
4. Your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach.
This is panic and unexplainable behavior. The rationalization is "when all other contingency plans fail, just shut that thing off and don't get caught." This foolish act is also called a "computer crash" and has the potential of damaging both hardware and software. The loss of files can occur when a computer is cut off abruptly. Many spouses have reported this behavior just prior to hiring us. We consider it a significant indicator of a deviant behavior. Now, bear in mind your spouse may be viewing pornography and fear reprisal. This may explain the need for panic.
5. The computer and monitor are always positioned away from your sight.
The study of body language has become useful to many investigators, especially those of us who administer lie-detection examinations. An obvious sign of deception and a common mistake the cheater makes is blocking your view. They need the time to clear a screen, turn off the monitor, or change to another Internet page when threatened with exposure. Intentionally turning the monitor or laptop away from view is an indicator they don't want you to see something. Over time, this act develops into a habit and confers greater freedom from detection. In most instances, having the lead time to hide the truth from you is all they need.
To Be Continued ....
#169; Copyright Bill Mitchell 2005. All rights reserved.
William F. (Bill) Mitchell, Jr., Seven-Day Detective, is an internationally renowned author who is recognized for his practical, solution-based investigative strategies to marriages facing infidelity. As a recognized expert on infidelity and child custody, Mr. Mitchell appears regularly as a guest expert on TV and national talk shows including Dr. Phil, Today Show, and The Early Show. He has been interviewed by numerous publications including Chicago Tribune, Esquire, Ladies Home Journal Online, and PI Magazine. Mr. Mitchell is the author of two books including Adultery: Facing Its Reality and The More You Know - Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship.
Mr. Mitchell is a licensed private investigator in South Carolina. He was formerly licensed in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and District of Columbia. His education includes training by the Department of Defense, Dektor Counterintelligence, New Jersey State Police, and various insurance claims organizations. Mr. Mitchell is a member of National Association of Investigative Specialists, Alliance of Investigators and Security Specialists, Carolina Organized Retail Theft Task Force, and Piedmont Claims Association. Mr. Mitchell, Seven-Day Detective, received a Bachelors Psychology from Mt. St. Mary's University. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina with his wife, three daughters, and a son.
For Attorneys:Tool for Attorneys to Screen for Domestic Violence. This resource explains to attorneys the importance of identifying victims of domestic violence and gives insight into how to discuss these sensitive issues with their clients.
Noted private investigator, Bill Mitchell, posted an article, "Telltale Signs of an Affair Show Up After Christmas", on his blog that I highly recommend. In his article, he discusses the "trust but verify" approach to suspected infidelity, and he suggests that spouses pay particular attention to the following at this time of year:
Office gifts having a very affectionate flair, or gifts tagged by a coworker that cries "I knew you would love these presents."
Any purchases of flowers, clothing, lingerie, jewelry stores, or specialty shops not given to you.
Trumped up fights to leave the house resulting in a prolonged absence, or any unexplained absences during the holidays.
Any blocked ID phone calls followed by short "quiet" conversations or calls taken in another room or closet.
Posted on December 27, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
Over the past few months, I have gotten to know private investigator extraordinaire Bill Mitchell, who today has the distinct honor of making the first "guest post" on my blog. This post is very insightful, and I hope you will enjoy it. Without any further adieu, here it is:
"DENY, DENY, DENY THE AFFAIR -- Take action and get the bottom of an affair with these Ten Valuable Steps!" by Bill Mitchell.
For almost forty years I've heard this theme played over and over again, like a top 40 hit. As an investigator I heard clients tell this almost everyday. Here's what they tell me? "My husband says he's not seeing someone." But he can't explain exactly where he was last night. Not only that, his clothes seemed of ladies perfume. The golf clubs are clean as a whistle but he claims to have played around with buddies from work.
This is a typical scenario for the private investigator's initial consultation. I'll open a file, ask lots of questions, and notes but all often hear this reoccurring theme. They ask for the truth but never get it. So where does that leave you? Are chasing down dead-ends? What can you do for yourself and not turn up empty handed like my clients?
What do they deny?
Where they have been without you.
Why they need to be alone.
Any details to support their activities.
If they are cheating.
If they are having sex with someone else.
How long they have been in an affair.
Any truthful information about their secret life.
So what can you do to overcome these obstacles?
The first rule I insist upon is: "Stop asking questions."
Why? It is instinctive behavior to deny the facts, especially when they tell the truth. If you believe you can ask pointed questions of a cheater and receive volumes of incriminating information - forget it. This scenario only happens in fiction novels. The last time I faced a murderer offering to help that would get to him a fair trial, he lied. The last time I conducted a lie detection exam for a suspecting employee in a theft case, he lied to me. The last time I asked an insurance fraud scam artist to confess, he lied.
The second rule is: "Get organized."
You can help yourself by organizing your information. Start with a diary. Using a daily journal is very helpful. Focus on excuses, times, events, days of the week, or any tidbits of information you come across. Include what you heard, saw or discovered each day. This is called "layering".
Third Rule is: "Search for obvious clues."
Places to look are in your records of credit charges, phone bills, gas card charges, check accounts, savings accounts. Too often early discover of an affair slips away because spouse feel like spying is wrong. Adultery is wrong so feel justified if you need to look.
Fourth Rule is: "Track mileage daily."
Our society is driven and so are cheating spouses. They rendezvous. Trips to and from work, church, play or illegitimate activities reveal the length incurred. Take advantage of this simple step. Take the time to record in your daily or another form of record keeping vehicle usage. It's a great short cut!
Fifth Rule is: "Look for Deceptive Behavior."
As a general rule, most cheating spouses exhibit deceptive behavior. They make the simplest tasks same so complicated. A trip to store takes excessive amount of time. No receipt, no proof of purchase, and lots of excuses.
Sixth Rule is: "Remove any weapons from the home."
Emotions never run any hotter than during an affair. Cheating spouses may turn on you like a flash fire. Handguns are the deadliest enemy you could face so hide them.
Seventh Rule is: "Analyze your financial exposure and end the risks."
Cancel credit cards, lines of credit or any form of financial risk you might incur until things settle down. You can notify in writing those institutions you feel might burden you with bills never consented to.
Eighth Rule is: "Act as if nothing is wrong, but encourage counseling."
Just remember counseling will fail if your spouse is dragged there. In fact you might even find this option a pre-destined failure if your spouse is looking for a way to show you how.
Ninth Rule is: Don't try to stop the affair- look to prove it."
Proof dictates the future in most relationships. When you know all the details, denial anticipated, a cheating spouse is a captive audience. Seek this empowerment wholeheartedly to end the deception. When you have facts your choices are numerous.
Tenth Rule is: "Plan for the worst, but hope for the best!"
Optimism is the best policy to employ given the circumstances. You may be wrong and seemingly obvious affair may have never happened. Be careful to keep a positive attitude or you may compounded the problems in your life.
#169; Copyright Bill Mitchell 2005. All rights reserved.
William F. (Bill) Mitchell, Jr., Seven-Day Detective, is an internationally renowned author who is recognized for his practical, solution-based investigative strategies to marriages facing infidelity. As a recognized expert on infidelity and child custody, Mr. Mitchell appears regularly as a guest expert on TV and national talk shows including Dr. Phil, Today Show, and The Early Show. He has been interviewed by numerous publications including Chicago Tribune, Esquire, Ladies Home Journal Online, and PI Magazine. Mr. Mitchell is the author of two books including Adultery: Facing Its Reality and The More You Know - Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship.
Mr. Mitchell is a licensed private investigator in South Carolina. He was formerly licensed in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and District of Columbia. His education includes training by the Department of Defense, Dektor Counterintelligence, New Jersey State Police, and various insurance claims organizations. Mr. Mitchell is a member of National Association of Investigative Specialists, Alliance of Investigators and Security Specialists, Carolina Organized Retail Theft Task Force, and Piedmont Claims Association. Mr. Mitchell, Seven-Day Detective, received a Bachelors Psychology from Mt. St. Mary's University. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina with his wife, three daughters, and a son.
Posted on December 18, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
If you are interested in reading about the absurd, out-of-control egos in Hollywood and the divorces which inevitably ensue, check out the article posted today on FoxNews.com. This article discusses some of the crazy things that celebrities have included in their prenuptial agreements, such as limiting the wife's weight to 120 pounds or she must relinquish $100,000 of her separate property; allowing a spouse to perform random drug tests, with financial penalties for positive results; and requiring a husband to pay $10,000 each time he is rude to his wife's parents. Reading articles like that make me glad that I am not a celebrity.
Posted on December 14, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
So, you're now divorced and you think you're ready to begin dating. Wouldn't it be nice to have some helpful tips and suggestions for how best to go about this process? Well, today's your luck day. The Charlotte Observer recently published an article which addressed this very issue. Want to hear them? Here you go:
Don't get too serious too soon. Just because you are ready to date doesn't mean that you are ready for a serious relationship. You are better off to keep things light, have some fun, and date lots of people.
Don't get into too much detail. While the subject of past relationships will certainly come up at some point, the last thing your date wants to hear is a blow-by-blow about how horrible your marriage was. You can be honest without spilling your guts.
Don't disparage your former spouse. Your date will simply substitute his/her own name for the ex's, thereby going from first date to marriage to divorce faster than he/she can say, "Call me a cab."
Don't treat the date as a psychology session. While it might be endlessly fascinating to you that in the course of extensive therapy you came to realize that your insecurity and inability to commit stemmed from the fact that your mother didn't breast-feed you long enough, your date will just think you're nuts.
Don't dwell on your favorite topic -- you. Your date will have time to discover all the wonderful things about you over time. Talking about yourself excessively will only serve to make you sound like an egomaniac
The following article was published last month in The Charlotte Observer. It may be a difficult read for some, as it suggests that we consider the possibility that our own actions may be at least partially to blame for our poor relationships with our former spouses.
Dear Amy: I ended my marriage of nine years last year. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I have a wonderful 6-year-old son. He has adjusted pretty well, better than his father. His father continues to be angry. He feels I have robbed his life. He let me buy our home (probably because he needed the money). But everything about our son is a battle.
He won't let me take our son to a child psychologist to make sure he is adjusting well. He won't make any adjustments to our ludicrous custody schedule (one week with each parent). He won't see a family mediator, even though we agreed to that in our settlement agreement. He uses our son to get back at me, but I can't respond in kind because I don't want to do that to our son. What are your magic words for me?
Amy's Response: Go back and reread your letter. In it, everything having to do with your husband is negative. You paint him as an angry loser. I point this out because you have a part to play in this. Everything you do and say rains down on your dear boy. I don't know if your custody schedule is "ludicrous" (it doesn't sound like it to me), but you agreed to it. Your separation agreement is legally binding, and you need to make the best of it, for your son's sake.
I'm sure you'd like to think your son is adjusting well, but I simply don't believe it, mainly because he's 6 and his parents are living apart, shuttling him back and forth, and battling over everything. If you think he should be seen by a psychologist (I do), then take him. Your ex also needs help, and I hope you (or a family court judge) can get him to attend mediation meetings with you. A mediator will coach you to work out these important details respectfully.
Posted on November 28, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
DO: Take responsibility for the divorce. If you decided to sue for divorce, then it was your choice. Period.
DON'T: Be overly nice to the other party. He or she will interpret that as a sign that reconciliation is possible.
DO: Keep opinions about the other party out of earshot of the kids.
DON'T: Have sleepovers with your new lover, if that's part of the picture, before the divorce is final. Your kids won't understand.
DO: Help your kids understand that the divorce wasn't their fault. Even if you've never blamed them, they'll assume they did something wrong unless you specifically assure them there were other issues.
DON'T: Drink or take drugs in an effort to comfort yourself or self-medicate. If you feel that bad, therapy is in order (all the more so if you have any violent thoughts).
DO: Agree on rules governing visitations, special events, finances, phone calls and so on, and stick to them.
Posted on November 23, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
The Top Ten Mistakes Women Make in Divorce were featured in a recent article in the Indianapolis Star. This list was compiled by Pequita Jay-Buis, chair of the family law section of the Indianapolis Bar Association, and I have added my comments after each tip.
1. Assuming that the man must support you in the lifestyle to which you're accustomed. "Dynasty" went off the air years ago.
Comment: Family Courts in South Carolina, as in other states, are growing increasingly gender neutral. Alimony is certainly appropriate in many cases, but it is not "routine", nor should it be. Also, most judges expect the wife to make an effort to support herself rather than simply depend on her husband to support her indefinitely.
Posted on November 21, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
A recent article in the Indianapolis Star included a list of the Top Ten Mistakes Men Make in Divorce. This list was compiled by Joseph Cordell, a St. Louis attorney. I have included both Mr. Cordell's comments and my comments after each item.
1. Moving out too soon
Cordell: Doing so can be used as evidence of indifference to your children in the actual divorce.
Stevens: The simple fact is that someone has to move out at some point. Who should move and when that should happen are very complicated questions, the answers to which depend on the facts and goals of each particular case.
Posted on November 13, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
I have previously posted on the divorce and custody issues faced by military families. An article published last Friday in the Hartford Courant discussed the unique issues faced by couples when one spouse is deployed and what steps the military is taking to try to address them.
Posted on November 11, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
A poll conducted for the PBS TV program "Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly'' found that 71 percent of Americans said they believe in the ideal of lifelong traditional marriage between a man and a woman. However, only 22 percent of the 1,130 adults surveyed agreed that divorce is a sin. In fact, 52 percent said that divorce can be the best solution when a couple can't work out their marital problems. You can read more about this survey in this article by Ken Garfield in the Corvallis Gazette-Times.
Holidays can be an especially difficult time for divorced parents. These special days can give rise to additional stress -- especially so in relationships that may already be strained or broken. Sharyn T. Sooho has published 10 Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents on About.com, which gives several good suggestions to help in these situations. Ms. Sooho's tips are listed below, along with my comments for each.
In Qatar, a husband has filed for divorce from his wive because she had been taking contraceptive pills without his knowledge and thereby depriving him of children. Not to be outdone in the outrageous allegation department, the wife then alleged that her husband had "illicit relations" with her 16 year old sister.
The wife claims that she began using the contraceptive pills after she caught her husband and sister "red-handed" in order to make her husband mentally distraught wondering why he could not beget a child. She was quoted as saying, "I was happy to see him in that state of mental suffering." Apparently, ugly divorces are not unique to this country, and people anywhere can try to destroy each other, regardless of their nationality.
The investigators at Carolina Investigations, Inc. compiled the following list of the "Top Ten Signs of a Cheating Spouse" based on their years of experience:
Change in Physical Appearance?
Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer, losing weight etc.
The Fort Wayne News Sentinel has published the final segment in its series of the Top 20 Divorce Tips. These tips are:
Tip No. 17: Try to avoid future litigation, although such efforts because of changes in economic conditions are worthwhile. Consider including in your agreement a plan to meet cost of living increases (or unlikely decreases) that are tied to increases (or decreases) in the incomes of both parents. or example, you could choose to tie future payments to one of the Consumer Price Indices available from the U. S. Department of Labor or other statistical data to automatically increase (or decrease) payments. But if you use governmental studies, be careful, because cumulative increases may increase payments beyond the ability of the paying spouse. Similarly, issues relating to the potential relocation of children should be resolved, when possible, up front.
Rachel Dodes of the New York Times wrote an article, Divorce American style: Let's party!, several months ago on this subject. She refers to the divorce party as "a hybrid of a bachelor-bachelorette party and bacchanalian exorcism" and says that while divorce was once a source of social shame, "it has become its own peculiar rite of passage, so commonplace that more people are looking to mark the occasion, even on Valentine's Day, with friends and in public."
Experts think a combination of factors are at work with regard to this trend, including a growing acceptance of divorce and society's need for rituals to mark important life stages. Maybe I'm just overly skeptical, but I can't help but wonder if this really a case of people seeking to celebrate their "newly-regained freedom," or whether they are the victims of yet another marketing ploy seeking to take advantage of them during this emotional time?
My friend and fellow blogger Michael Sherman recently posted about an article he found in Christianity Today called What I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Divorced. In his post, Michael said he wished that more of his clients and/or their spouses knew this information before they decide to end their marriages, and I echo his sentiment.
This article, written by Georgia Shaffer, a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, advises those contemplating divorce to consider:
Colorado domestic attorney Stephen J. Harhai has made his Colorado Divorce Handbook available at his website. While most of his handbook is specific to Colorado law, it does contain an excellent section on important tax consequences to consider in a divorce action:
Alimony/Maintenance. Usually deductible to the payor and taxed as income to the payee, if the IRS requirements are met. See IRC
One of my favorite magazines is mental_floss. I enjoy it because it contains lots of interesting information which is presented in a concise, witty manner. For instance, the current issue discusses "The 20 Most Annoying People in History."
Anyway, when reading this month's issue, I noticed an interest divorce reference. Apparently, among some Pueblo Indian tribes, a woman could divorce her husband by simply leaving his moccasins on the doorstep. As mental_floss notes, "No lawyers, no placing blame. Not even socks. Just shoes."
Your spouse has filed for a divorce. You don't want the marriage to end. Can anything be done to stop the divorce from happening? As my friend and fellow blogger Michael Sherman says, "it takes two people to decide to get married, it only takes one to decide to get a divorce."
In South Carolina, a person is entitled to a divorce from her spouse if she can prove that they have lived apart in excess of one year. If this can be proved and corroborated by a third party, then that person can obtain a divorce whether his spouse likes it or not. If the spouse does not want the divorce, he/she can take steps to make it take longer, cost more, and be more difficult in general.
Posted on September 27, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
How does one prove this his/her spouse had "illicit intercourse" with another person? Rarely is one able to obtain absolute, conclusive evidence of this activity, such as a video of the spouse actually having sex with his/her lover. Fortunately, in South Carolina, that is not required.
In our state, the two elements that must be proven are (a) inclination and (b) opportunity for one's spouse to commit adultery. The elements may be (and typically are) proven by circumstantial evidence, which must be clear, positive, and sufficiently definite to identify the time and place of the offense.
In other words, placing one's spouse behind closed doors with the lights out with a person with whom they are romantically involved will raise a rebuttable presumption that the spouse has committed adultery. In most cases, a licensed private investigator can obtain the needed proof to present in Court at a hearing.
Posted on September 23, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
The South Carolina Supreme Court has determined that explicit extra-marital sexual activity constitutes adultery regardless of whether it is of a homosexual or heterosexual character. Therefore, homosexual activity between persons, at least one of whom is married to someone other than the sexual partner, constitutes adultery. R.G.M v. D.E.M, 306 S.C. 145, 410 S.E.2d 564 (1991).
Posted on September 19, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
In several previous posts, I have discussed the "divorce recovery period." The Hetherington study puts this time frame for most people at two to six years. A less formal, more candid discussion of this concept can be found in Aspirin for a Severed Head, an article written in October of 2002 by Suzanne Finnamore for Salon.com. Ms. Finnamore discusses her own divorce recovery process, and she concludes that two years is a pretty good estimate.
Posted on September 12, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
The Fort Wayne News Sentinel has published Tips 9 through 12 in its series of the Top 20 Divorce Tips. These tips are:
Tip No. 9: Be prepared to face the difficulties that may arise as a result of remarriage, efforts to relocate, changed incomes and needs, illness, and even bankruptcy. Divorce generally involves continued contact between the former spouses due to custody/visitation and payment issues, and circumstances change despite the best-laid plans of clients and lawyers. Therefore, it's wise to remember that agreements that place caps on long-term payments or restrict modifiability can cause long-term troubles if there are changes in the ability to pay. Likewise, a voluntarily restriction of one's ability to move with children after divorce may stifle opportunities to secure better employment.
Posted on September 8, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
The Fort Wayne News Sentinel has published Tips 5 through 8 in its series of the Top 20 Divorce Tips. These tips are:
Tip No. 5: Getting Your Share of the Property is Only Half the Battle: The breakup of a marriage is like the breakup of a business partnership. The assets - and the liabilities - will be divided according to the law of the state in which you reside. And while the methods by which the property is divided will vary from state to state, when you get your share, try not to spend assets that you may well need in later life. You must be prepared to invest your share wisely, and, given the slippery slopes of suggested investment strategies that will vary from adviser to adviser, pick the one that is best for you after due diligence.
Posted on September 6, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens
How long will it take for me to get over this divorce? I am frequently asked this question, and I explain that a divorce is the death of a relationship and that it takes time to recover, just as it does with an actual death. However, I believe that almost everyone does recover, but the time frame of doing so varies widely.
My thoughts are comparable to those of a comprehensive study of divorce and remarriage conducted by the Hetherington Laboratory at the University of Virginia, which made several interesting and revealing findings on this topic:
In the early years after divorce, ex-spouses typically must cope with lingering attachments; with resentment and anger, self-doubts, guilt, depression, and loneliness; with the stress of separation from children or of raising them alone; and with the loss of social networks (and for women, of economic security).
The Fort Wayne News Sentinel has published a series of the Top 20 Divorce Tips. The first four are:
Tip No. 1: Divorce is Not an Over-And-Out Transition: Because there are often continued emotional and economic ties after divorce - especially when you have children or when you are paying/receiving alimony, child support, and the like - you can't look at divorce as an "over-and-out" transition. You should not look only to short- term "fixes," but also to long-term goals such as establishing your own credit, payment options for your children's educations, tax issues, security for payments due to you, and beginning to plan for your estate, health care, and retirement, even before you divorce.
Tip No. 2: Getting Security for Payments Due You is Important: If you are receiving child support or alimony, security for payments you are receiving is something that should not be overlooked. Using the guidelines contained in the law of your state of residence, your lawyer will help you secure future payments with life insurance or assets because without it, should the paying spouse die before the obligation is completed, the recipient spouse and children may receive nothing more than Social Security. Sometimes, it may be a good idea for you yourself to pay for the cost of coverage on the spouse who is paying alimony/child support.
Tip No. 3: Dealing with Pensions and Tax Qualified Plans May Be Difficult: Because there are different rules for different types of pensions, and because there are alternatives available regarding lump sum or monthly distributions after retirement, find out early which rules apply to your particular situation and the best way to get your share. With so many defined benefit plans being under-funded these days, valuation of these plans may be difficult and expensive, so make sure to have a qualified valuation analyst give you an opinion.
Tip No. 4: Dealing with the Family Home Can Be a Volatile Issue: Along with pensions and retirement plans, the family home may be the largest asset acquired during the marriage. In many states, courts deem it unfair to allow one party to use the residence for a long time and thereby tie up the other spouse's equity. Although your home may have appreciated, if you sell it, you will probably purchase less of a house and have higher monthly payments. Unless there is an agreement to the contrary, you should figure out ways to pay your spouse his/her equity or offset that equity against other assets to keep your home, especially while your children are young.
Can one lawyer represent both sides in a Family Court matter? In South Carolina, as in most states, the answer is a clear and resounding "No!" The attorney cannot effectively represent two parties with completely different goals in the same case, as the advice that the attorney gives to one spouse may be very detrimental to the other spouse. The old saying, "no one can serve two masters" is particularly appropriate in this situation.
It is surprising how often a potential client will tell me "Attorney X represented my ex-spouse and me when we got divorced." When I ask whether Mr. X represented the potential client or his/her spouse, the person will not know. After I explain that attorneys cannot represent both parties and the reasons, as discussed above, a worried look quickly appears on the potential client's face. We then begin to figure out (a) which side the attorney represented and (b) if it was the other side, whether the potential client was adversely affected by this misunderstanding.
I certainly understand the desire (and often the need) to minimize your legal fees whenever possible. The simple fact is that if a case is not contested or complicated, it should not be expensive. I often advise my clients that if there is only one lawyer involved in the case, you ought to make darn sure that you are the one with the lawyer sitting beside you. If a problem arises, you want an advocate there to deal with it. If you have questions, you want someone qualified and competent to answer it. Why take the risk of being unrepresented? It is simply not worth it.
Janet Langjahr wrote an interesting post on this very topic in her Florida Divorce Law Blog that is well worth a read.
Losing a child can create enormous stress in a marriage. Many times, this stress can lead to divorce. The Deseret Morning News of Salt Lake City, Utah reported that Cindy Sheehan's husband has filed for divorce. Of course, Ms. Sheehan is the woman camped outside President Bush's vacation ranch in Crawford, Texas to protest the death of her son who was killed in the Iraq war in April of 2004. The Sheehans had been high school sweethearts.
Closer to home, the Spartanburg Herald-Journal ran an article last week about Carolyn Hutchings, whose son was also killed in Iraq in March of 2003. This article stated that although Ms. Hutchings supports the troops, she does not support the war and she agrees with Ms. Sheehan's position. As with the Sheehans, the Hutchings' marriage also unraveled after the death of their son and ultimately resulted in a divorce.
I have represented spouses who have lost a child in Iraq, and I have seen first hand the devastating effect that death had on both my client and his/her spouse. Each of the thousands of soldiers who have died in Iraq has left behind a family that has had to pick up the pieces of their lives. I do not know what percentage of families who have lost a son or daughter in Iraq have subsequently separated or divorced, but the proximity of these two stories in the news cycle seemed interesting and not necessarily coincidental.
Can you? Yes. Oh really. How? Hilary Shenfeld of Newsweek discusses this topic in an article this week on MSNBC.com. Ms. Shenfeld references "The Unofficial Guide to Getting a Divorce" by Susan Ellis Wild and her ex-husband, Russell Wild, which gives the following suggestions:
Save money by creating a list of goals before visiting your charges-by-the-hour lawyer. Do you want to keep the house? How much financial assistance will you need? Must you keep the big-screen TV?
If you own an expensive home that has appreciated since you bought it, sell it before your divorce. Tax benefits for a married couple on the sale are up to twice that of single filers.
Beware of a spouse who hides financial info. Get copies of all bank statements and credit-card bills and keep them in a safe place.
Tell your lawyer the full and honest truth. Neglecting to mention your affair or secret Swiss bank account only puts you at a disadvantage. And, let's face it, your nosy spouse probably knows about them anyway.
This is good, common-sense advice, and you will do yourself a great favor by following these suggestions and acting reasonably in general. Your attorney can do a much better job for you if he is given truthful, detailed information early in the case.
What happens when your spouse says that he/she won't agree to give you a divorce? In South Carolina, you can obtain a divorce whether your spouse likes it or not. Even if your spouse has done absolutely nothing wrong, you can obtain a divorce on the ground of living separate and apart for in excess of one year, sometimes called a "no-fault" divorce.
The separation requirement refers to one year's physical separation, as in living under separate roofs. Many people confuse this concept with that of legal separation, which has a different and very specific meaning in our state. A legal separation is one in which the Family Court has issued a Decree of Separate Maintenance to one of the parties. This Decree addresses all of the same issues that a Divorce Decree does, but the marriage itself is not yet dissolved.
If your spouse does not want the marriage to end, he/she can take certain steps to make the divorce process move more slowly, be more upsetting or difficult, and force you to spend more money in the case. Sometimes, a controlling spouse will take those types of steps in one final attempt to manipulate/dominate his/her spouse.
Janet Langjahr recently discussed this very topic on her new Florida Divorce Law Blog, and her post contains good insight into the concept of controlling spouses. Welcome to the family law blogosphere Janet, and good luck with your blog.
Two people meet, fall in love, and marry. Sounds like an ideal situation, but unfortunately, life is neither simple nor easy. Too many couples rush into relationships without considering the financial implications, which can be a recipe for disaster. Starting a new life together as husband and wife is somewhat stressful in and of itself, so how do finances come into play?
Married couples have to face many issues that single individuals do not. "Me" now becomes "we", and spending decisions, budgets, and all other financial issues take on an added complexity as a result. For instance, people's financial habits can range widely, from frugal savers to impulse buyers and everything in between. The older the individuals are, the more set in their ways they are likely to be when it comes to finances.
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Whether divorcing parties realize it or not, taxes are almost always an issue. Unfortunately, this issue is one that is often overlooked by parties, many times until it is too late.
Here is a list of important tax considerations in divorce cases:
? Consult a tax professional. Most domestic lawyers are not tax professionals and are hesitant to give tax advice. In fact, my retainer agreement specifically states that I am not a tax attorney and I do not give any tax advice. Taxation is a certified legal speciality in South Carolina, with good reason, and tax attorneys or CPA's monitor the constantly changing tax laws and are therefore far more qualified to give tax advice than Family Court attorneys.
? Child support is not taxable to the recipient or deductible by the payor. However, in many situations, the amount paid for work-related child care is a deductible expense. The South Carolina Child Support Guidelines take this deduction into account when calculating the payor's child support obligation.
Advances in technology have made more tools available to those who suspect their spouses of cheating. Not that long ago, spouses had no choice but to use traditional methods, such as looking for physical evidence, eavesdropping on telephone calls, and/or hiring a private investigator, to attempt to confirm their suspicions. These methods continue to be used, many times with great success, but there is now another affordable alternative to aid in obtaining the necessary proof.
Global positioning system (GPS) trackers can be installed quickly and easily on the vehicle of the suspected cheater with a magnet and basic wiring. Once installed, special software will provide valuable information, such as pinpointing the tracker's exact location (in real time), showing a history of all locations that it has been, and detailing the amount of time spent at each location. Further, the prices of these units units have fallen in price to the point that they are now a viable option for many more people. While these systems cost in excess of $5,000 just a few years ago, some are available for less than $1,000 today. A recent article by Nicoletta Kotsianas in The Press of Atlantic City discusses the expansion and application of this technology as well as businesses that have tapped into this market.
The oldest military treatise in the world is Sun Tzu on the Art of War. Litigation is often referred to in militaristic terms, which in today's world is a somewhat unfortunate reference. However, with that comparison in mind, I recently took a look at Lionel Giles' translation of Sun Tzu's work and found several interesting statements that are commonly thought applicable in both arenas:
All warfare is based on deception.
Hold out baits to entice the enemy.
There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare.
It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of war that can thoroughly understand the profitable way of carrying it on.
In war, then, let your great object be victory, not lengthy campaigns.
Several newspapers in South Carolina have run an article today about former Lt. Gov. Bob Peeler's divorce and its fallout. This article attempts to detail the factors that led to the Peelers' separation, which included fault ground allegations made by both parties.
I have previously blogged as to my thoughts on what the public does / does not have a right to know about an individual's private Family Court litigation. Divorces can be difficult enough on the parties involved without having the media making things worse by publishing sordid details about their personal lives. Apparently, the former Lt. Gov. agrees with me, as he said "it's a private matter" and "divorces happen sometimes."
It's no surprise that divorces can be stressful and difficult for both spouses.#160; Jeffrey Cottrill of DivorceMagazine.com has written an excellent article, Beating Stress -- Before It Beats You, which I highly recommend.#160; Mr. Cottrill writes "what really matters is not how much stress you have, but how you deal with it."
For instance, did you know that recent academic studies have reported the following findings:
A large amount of work-related stress can affect a marriage relationship significantly. Job stress -- regardless of marital satisfaction or couples' parenthood status -- can create the same marital unhappiness that often leads to divorce.
Divorce and work-related stress can be a deadly combination for men. Men who get divorced and report a lot of career stress may be at a greater risk for heart problems.
The levels of stress hormones in married people can foretell whether or not their marriages will last for the next 10 years -- regardless of how happy or satisfied a couple claims to be at the beginning of a marriage.
Males are geared to react differently from females to stress even before they're born.#160;#160;
Imagine getting divorced without fighting, stressing, or spending a fortune? Is it even possible? Maybe / maybe not. In Family Court matters, these factors are not totally within the control of you or your attorney. The actions taken by the opposing party have a great deal to do with how your case will go and what impact it will have on you. He/she can take steps (intentionally or unintentionally) that force you to react to protect yourself, increase your level of stress, and result in additional fees and costs.
However, there are steps that you can take before, during, and after a divorce which can increase the chances that it will go relatively smoothly. I have posted many times about the excellent (and gender-neutral) articles published on AskMen.com, and Tips For A Financially Sound Divorce certainly falls into that category. This article contains many suggestions for financial planning and information gathering, both of which can help make the divorce process go more smoothly while increasing your chances for a favorable outcome.
Some of these suggestions are common sense, such as identifying and separating your assets early in the process. Obtaining a copy of your credit report is also suggested, and I have previously posted on the benefits obtained by doing so. The best suggestion given in the article is "get a good lawyer."
How do you know when your marriage is failing? Sure if you come home and catch your spouse in bed with the milkman (or milkwoman), but that is not generally what happens. More times than not, there are signs that things are now well. Learning to look for these signs can give you the warning that might give you one last chance to save your marriage or give you notice to take steps to protect yourself from an inevitable divorce.
Although it sounds like a "guys only" website, AskMen.com contains many excellent articles on marriage and finances, and the advice contained in these articles often apply equally to men and women. This site published its Top Ten Signs Your Marriage Is On The Rocks, which contains many of the common indicators that your marriage is not well at best and is dying at worst. I regularly hear many of these symptoms given by my divorce clients, husbands and wives alike. I urge you to check this list out, as the marriage you save may be your own.
There are so many papers to keep track of when you go through a separation or divorce -- copies of letters, pleadings, affidavits, Orders, financial records, and on and on. However, it's the papers that you don't see (or think about) that can cause huge problems if they are ignored.
Death is unavoidable, and hopefully everyone has a will. Most people also have life insurance policies and retirement accounts. Typically, one's spouse is the named beneficiary on these documents. Other important documents, such as powers of attorney (health care and general), also commonly name spouses as the designees.
When going through a separation or divorce, it is generally a good idea to modify these documents. After a divorce, you should definately remove your ex-spouse from all such documents. The failure to make such changes could result in your former spouse receiving assets that you may not have wanted him/her to receive. More importantly, a former spouse could be put in the position to make decisions regarding your health or your finances.
Even in those (rare) cases where you might think that your former spouse would make the right decision or do the right thing, your family and loved ones may not agree, which will undoubtedly result in chaos or worse. Discuss these issues with your attorney and find out what the particulars are for these types of issues in your state ... before it's too late.
Both the Chicago Sun-Times and the Los Angeles Times reported this week that divorce rates for personnel in the U.S. Army have risen sharply over the last three years. The article by David Crary attributed the increase in the Army's divorce rate to the extra strain placed on marriages due to longer and more frequent deployments in war zones. An Army spokesman attributed this recent surge in divorces to the stress and uncertainty caused by a stepped-up deployment cycle.
Between 2001 and 2004, divorces among active-duty Army officers and enlisted personnel nearly doubled, with the officers' rate almost tripling. Further, the divorce rates rose more sharply in the Army than in the other branches of the military. While divorces can be difficult for any family, military divorces can pose unique challenges. For instance, custody and visitation can be especially problematic when one spouse is deployed overseas. In response, the Army has increased the resources available to help its couples, which include confidential counseling hot lines, support groups for spouses, weekend couples' retreats, and even advice to single soldiers on how to pick partners wisely.
No matter what your personal thoughts about the war may be, I hope that you'll join me in saying a prayer for our soldiers and their families. If you want to find out the many ways that you can help support our troops, here's a website containing a comprehensive listing of resources to help you do so.
TIAA-CREF, one of the largest financial service providers, has a very helpful article on its website which discusses the consequences of a divorce on a spouse's IRA account. This article discusses both the mechanics and tax implications of these types of transfers, and it is well worth reading.
The allocation of retirement accounts is one of the most commonly misunderstood concepts with regard to marital estates in divorce cases. I am constantly amazed by the number of divorcing parties who have a preconceived notion that they do not have a claim to any interest whatsoever in their spouse's retirement account (and vice versa).
I regularly have clients who have significant amounts in their retirement accounts exclaim "I put all of that money into my retirement account. What do you mean my spouse is entitled to some of it?" Likewise, I have had clients with little or no retirement accounts of their own who were genuinely surprised to learn that their spouse's retirement accounts are includable in the marital estate.
In South Carolina, as in many states, the portion of a retirement account which was accumulated during the marriage is considered part of the marital estate and therefore subject to equitable distribution. The reasoning behind this theory is that those funds would have otherwise come directly into the marriage and would clearly then be subject to being included and divided.
It is important to note that different types of retirement accounts are allocated in different ways. For instance, a 401(k) plan typically requires a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO), whereas IRAs typically do not. Sometimes the allocations take weeks, whereas others can take many months. I will address these types of issues in future posts.
Attorneys should thoroughly discuss the many different classes/types of assets with their clients in order to properly protect them. Likewise, clients should always keep their eyes and ears open in the time leading up to the divorce to obtain information as to the types of retirement accounts that their spouses might have.
Two things in life are certain: death and taxes. There's nothing that a divorce attorney can to do help his clients with the former, but there is help for the latter. The Ullman & Allen Family Law Forum published a Taxes and Divorce Top Ten List for divorcing and separated couples. This list contains great, helpful information including many of the basics and the best advice of all -- consult a tax professional before it's too late.
A local tragedy has made me ponder the issue of exactly what the public has a right to know about an ongoing divorce case. A local personality recently took his life in the presence of his two young children and injured them in the process. Our local newspaper ran four articles about this terrible situation over a period of five days, with three of those being on the front page. The articles contained details about this person's pending divorce action, the names and ages of his children, and other personal information.
As I read the sad details of this story, I couldn't help but question the propriety of the newspaper probing into this deeply personal situation. Where should the line be drawn between "news" and a family's right to privacy during this diffcult time? I can understand how the newspaper could think that public nature of this suicide and the fact that the person was well known would make for a good story. I also understand that the newspaper's goal is to sell as many issues as possible.
However, I question whether the reporter or the editor stopped to think about the impact that these articles would have upon these children, who are the real victims of this tragedy. Did the newspaper have the right to publish these articles? Yes. Is the public better off as a result of knowing the intimate details of this tragedy? No, not really -- even though it likely temporarily satisfied its pervasive desire to know everyone's dirty laundry in our reality/tabloid t.v. culture.
For these children, losing their father under these circumstances had to be horrible enough, not only today, but also for the rest of their lives. I believe that the newspaper crossed the line having the sordid, graphic details published for all to see. I shudder to think what might be next. Will the newspaper start trolling Family Court cases looking for juicy stories to print -- "who's cheating on whom," "guess whose children are illegitimate," or "domestic violence this week"? I hope not, and I pray that good judgment will once again become a factor in what is published.
I am often asked this question, and the short answers are "yes" and "no" respectively. The simple fact is that if you want to be divorced, either you or your spouse will have to move out at some point. Of course, as with most things in family law, there are better and worse ways to actually take this step, but the act of moving out will generally not hurt you if done correctly.
With that having been said, it is important to understand the concept of "desertion" in South Carolina and the misperception commonly associated with it. Technically, it is still possible to pursue a fault ground divorce based on desertion, but the 'deserting' spouse must be gone for at least one year prior to filing and the 'deserted' spouse cannot know where the 'deserting' spouse is during that year. Therefore, the act of moving out of the marital residence does not constitute "desertion."
The fact is that it is generally quicker, easier, and less expensive to pursue a divorce on the ground of one year separation than to pursue one on the ground of desertion.
Prenuptial agreements are most often used for the following purposes: Keep finances separate Every state has laws designating certain kinds of assets accumulated during marriage as marital property or communityMore...
There are some things you just can't -- or shouldn't -- do with a prenup. State laws differ as to what matters are considered off-limits. However, as a general rule,More...
South Carolina Lawyers Weekly
Time.com
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As I 
Some people are just determined to make divorce as painful and unpleasant as possible. 
