South Carolina Family Law Blog : Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Stevens-MacPhail Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

The following Guest Post is from retired attorney Sonia Gallagher:

As an attorney who practiced in several fields of law in Florida and had my own Law Firm, I know that the law is an unforgiving profession.  

Being a lawyer requires a commitment of tireless dedication and perfection. Society places a standard of extremely high expectations on lawyers, which in turn feeds our innate tendency to be perfectionists and competitive people. It’s that combination of our tendency to be perfectionists, society’s expectations, and the daily grind with clients, deadlines, judges, and staff that can catapult just about anyone into incredible amounts of stress, feelings of helplessness and depression.

It’s easy to see why the field of law has such a high percentage of drug and alcohol users who likely use these substances to shield themselves from their daily stress levels. 

The amount of dedication necessary to succeed in this profession has led many lawyers to getting burned out and not performing at their highest efficiency levels. It also affects their social interactions with their staff, clients, judges, friends, and family members. I personally know more divorced lawyers than I would like to admit. 

It really is a shame because we just never learned how to balance our professional lives with our personal lives. For some reason, they just never taught us that in school. As a result, we bring the stress from the office with us in our briefcase to open it up at home and continue experiencing it instead of focusing on our family during the few waking hours that we are at home and away from the office!

The good news is there is a solution to this problem. Don’t worry; it does not require health insurance, medicine, seeing a psychologist, or even leaving your house or office for that matter. It's simple and it works; its meditation. Meditation is not a religion, it is not hypnosis, and it does not require you to be part of any sort of religion or culture or religious at all.

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As my readers know, I spoke last week at "Hot Tips from the Coolest Domestic Law Practitioners" presented by theSouth Carolina Bar.  I also provided live coverage of this seminar via Twitter, and if you were not able to attend the seminar, you can check out the Twitter-cast by clicking HERE. Thanks to my friends, Melissa Brown and Vance Stricklin, for organizing and presenting such a great seminar again this year.

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Those looking for updates in family law topics now have everything they need in one convenient spot:  Alltop's Family Law page.  This page includes many popular resources, including Divorce Discourse, Blawg Republic, Google News, and my own South Carolina Family Law Blog.

If you're not familiar with Alltop, you should be.  It's a service that helps tell you "what’s happening?” in “all the topics” that interest you.  It does this by collecting the headlines of the latest stories from the best sites and blogs that cover a particular topic

The Alltop - Family Law page was created as the result of a conversation I had with Guy Kawasaki last week, and I appreciate his recognition of this need and effort to get this page established.  I know that it will be a great resource to attorneys and the general public.  You can check it out by clicking here.

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Today’s children often grow up in a world of luxury where food, shelter, and education are a given. Getting them involved in charity work at an early age is a great way to make them grateful for what they have and show them how generosity can be contagious. Below is a list of the top 100 charitable activities and sites for children, teens, adults, and families in general.

Best Overall Charities

Families who want to volunteer, contribute, take action, and more would do well to visit the sites below for the best ways to give, time, money, and hope.

1. VolunteerMatch: Currently with over 65,000 participating organizations, this site has many opportunities to choose from. Just type in your location and interests and VolunteerMatch will find many options for charitable families.

2. Volunteers of America: This faith-based organization is dedicated to helping those in need live healthy, safe, and productive lives. Get more information on the many services they provide, or find an opportunity in your area.

3. Idealist: Located in New York, this site currently has over 88,000 volunteers registered. Register yourself or kids in seconds, and find out more about opportunities in your area.

4. IAVE: The International Association for Volunteer Effort places its volunteers all over the world. It is ideal for those looking to help out overseas and has a great deal of related information.

5. Volunteering Solutions: This site has information on volunteering abroad in Asia, Africa, and Latin America. Read testimonials, or learn how you and your family can apply.

6. Council for Certification in Volunteer Administration: This organization strives to make volunteers their best by having them certified. Learn what makes a volunteer truly stand out, along with information on certification.

7. Big Brothers and Big Sisters: With a ton of different programs and locations throughout the nation, families are sure to find charitable activities. And as always, adults are still encouraged to become a sibling to a child in need.

8. Salvation Army: A leading name in item donations, the Salvation Army also excepts airline miles, cars, furniture, and even gives a Valuation Guide for donations. You can also volunteer for one of their many programs.

9. Goodwill: Got clothes, toys, and other items lying around the house? Then find a chapter in your location to donate, as well as get a break on your taxes.

10. Christian Foundation for Children and Aging: The CFCA helps families in developing countries get food and send their children to school. Read the blog, sponsor a child or senior, or even learn more about one of their upcoming trips.

11. YMCA: With hundreds of locations across the country, your local YMCA has many charitable opportunities for families. You can also take a class, teach, volunteer, and more.

12. Food For The Poor: This is a leading international relief and development charity in the United States, feeding 2 million poor people everyday. Get information about mission trips, read the journal, listen to their radio station, and more.

13. Amnesty International: Through membership or donation, you can help further the quest for human rights across the world. Be sure to scroll down to check out what is being done to combat the latest injustices.

14. American Cancer Society: Whether you’re ready to sign up to volunteer from the start or need a little more information, the ACS makes it easy to have your questions answered. You can even watch a video message on the benefits of volunteering.

15. Give Blood: The American Red Cross has a massive database on giving blood. You can visit the website, call the hotline, or learn more about who can give blood.

16. Susan G. Komen for the Cure: Join the fight against breast cancer with this leading organization. Most known for their Race for the Cure, families can find a race by month, year, or location.

17. International Commission: If you’re interested in getting your church, as well as your family, to participate in a charitable activity, visit this site. Read more about the international partnerships being founded and learn how you can help.

18. Habitat for Humanity: A leader in charitable activities, Habitat has many opportunities for families who want to work with their hands. Simply type in your location and be linked to a branch in your area.

19. City of Hope: A top center in the fight against cancer, families can find loads of ways to contribute. Get information on volunteering, donating blood or marrow, and much more.

20. America’s Literacy Directory: Got adults or children who are interested in getting others to read? Then visit this site, type in your location, select your program, and get information on organizations that need your help.

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Even the most experienced parents can learn something from the following tips from Lucille Zimmerman:

1. If you’ve messed up, let your kids know and ask for their forgiveness. When you teach them how to forgive, they will know how to ask others for the same.
2. Removing a positive stimulus works so much better than punishment. The effect of taking toys, cell phones, or fun activities is longer lasting and you don’t create the generalized fear towards you that spanking does.
3. People always tell you that this time of having little ones will be over sooner than you think. They weren’t kidding. In a blink, your children are raised and you have the rest of your life to do what you want.
4. Remember that your children aren’t you. Stop living through them vicariously. Don’t make them be the greatest football player or cheerleader if it’s your dream. Allow them to make mistakes. Allow them to differentiate; separate and become their own person.
5. Even if they act like they don’t need hugs and touch, they do. No matter how old they are.
6. Don’t make their bodies the battleground. How can we teach them to make decisions regarding sexual purity if we command control over their bodies?
7. Keep in mind that too much freedom is just as damaging as too much authority. The best children turn out healthy and happy when there are rules, but some flexibility and leeway for rules to be changed along the way.
8. I don’t believe you can spoil a baby with too much love. Nor do I believe you can harm him by responding to his cries.
9. Call your own parents and love them the best way you can. Remember, they had their own wounds. No one tries to screw up his or her children.

Source:  "Parenting Tips - A Few Things I've Learned Along The Way" by Lucille Zimmerman, published at Examiner.com.

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The Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina has many great resources on its website.  One of the best is "A Teen Guide to Divorce, Surviving Your Parent's Divorce", a free E-Book that helps teens sort through the issues that they often face in these situations.  

This 24 page E-Book addresses the following topics:

• Background Facts About Divorce and Custody
• Common Reactions to Divorce
• Mistakes Your Parents Make
• How To Talk To Your Parents
• Examples / Stories from Several Teens
• Other Resources

I have read this e-book, and I highly recommend it.  You can download your free copy of "A Teen Guide to Divorce, Surviving Your Parent's Divorce" by clicking HERE.

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The South Carolina Bar periodically sponsors a "Law School for Non-Lawyers" across our state.  This seven week series features various attorneys teaching the basic principles of many different areas of law, including criminal, civil, real estate, employment, bankruptcy, and family law.

I was privileged to teach the "Family Law" section again this year at Spartanburg Community College. Just as with last year, the class was well attended and included many interesting questions from the students.  If you are interested in learning more about the Law School for Non-Lawyers, simply click HERE.

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Amy Wood recently published an article with the following tips from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children if you find your child is missing:

• Act immediately.
• Search your home and check with relatives, neighbors, and friends to try and locate your child.
• If you cannot find your child, immediately report your child missing to your local law-enforcement officers.
• Limit access to your home until law-enforcement officers arrive and are able to collect evidence.
• Give law-enforcement officers all the information they request about your child, and be sure to give them any information that could help in the search.
• Request that your child’s name and identifying information be immediately entered into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Person File.
• Call us at 1-800-THE-LOST® (1-800-843-5678) to find out what resources are available to you.
• You can find more info on their website 

Source:  "What to do if your child is ever missing!" by Amy Wood, published at WSPA.com.

 

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Did you know that you can get career advice from South Carolina Bar members on the South Carolina Bar's website?  Several Bar members, including Ben Stevens, participated in educational videos containing career advice, information on different types of law and tips for people interested in practicing in those areas.  You can view my video by clicking HERE or you can review all of the videos at Career Counsel on the SC Bar's website.

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The Oprah Winfrey Show recently featured M. Gary Neuman, founder and director of the Sandcastles Program and author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, who discussed the best ways to help children cope with divorce.  According to Mr. Neuman, the cardinal rule that all divorcing parents need to follow is to never criticize each other in front of their children.

To help children get through this difficult time, he suggests that parents understand that sadness is normal and that it's actually good for the children to get it out.  He also recommends that parents talk with their children, and to do so lovingly and in a reassuring manner.  Mr. Neuman has developed a Letter Writing Exercise for Kids to help them express their feelings.  If you or someone you know is facing this situation, I highly recommend that you view the materials on Oprah's website by clicking here.

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If you want to improve your communication with your significant other, you might be interested in an upcoming communication workshop that will be conducted here in Spartanburg by Julie Thompson of Roots and Wings Workshops and Coaching, Inc. on November 7-8, 2008.

The PAIRS® Essentials workshop is described as follows:

This fun, interactive workshop introduces married couples of all ages to PAIRS® skill-based relationship education. In a relaxed classroom setting, a brief lecture is presented on a variety of marriage topics, followed by practical, usable skills to enhance communication. This is followed by "couple time" where partners get to practice new skills under the guidance of the instructor.

All exercises are voluntary, and no one ever has to speak in front of a group unless they choose to share.  Couples will learn how to turn conflict into connection, listen with empathy, confide safely, complain lovingly, and keep a sense of humor.

This workshop will be held in the Library/Conference Room at St. Matthew's Episcopal Church from 6:30 - 9:30 p.m. on Friday, November 7th, and 9 a.m. - 12 p.m. on Saturday, November 8th.  The cost is only $100 per couple, which includes tuition, snacks, and all printed materials.  If you want more information or to register, click HERE.

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If you or someone you know are facing family law issues, you may want to check out the list of blogs compiled by Laura Milligan.  Her list was compiled "with the intention of helping out other separated and divorced individuals as they try to make sense of child custody issues, international divorces, dealing with grief and moving on, and more," and it is divided into the following categories:

• For Women
• For Men
• Legal Advice
• Dealing With Divorce
• Moving On
• General Advice
• Go - To Resources

Source:  "50 Divorce Blogs to Find Advice and Comfort in Hard Times" by Laura Milligan.  Also, thanks to Al Nye for his post about this list at his Maine Divorce Law Blog.

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KidsHealth.org has published a website, A Kid's Guide to Divorce, which contains lots of helpful, therapeutic information for children of divorcing families.  As you might expect, the information presented at this site is clean and simple.  Some of the topics covered are:

• What Is Divorce?
• Kids Can't Cause Divorce!
• Kids Can't Fix Divorce!
• But I Feel Like My Whole World Just Fell Apart!
• Life After Divorce
• When To Speak Up
• The Future

If you are going through a divorce, you should check it out to see if it is right for your kids.  You can visit the site by clicking HERE.

Source:  "A Divorce Website For Kids" by John E. Harding, published at his California Divorce Blawg.

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The following insightful article was originally published at The Orsini & Rose Divorce and Family Law Blog:

Question:  I was given sole custody. I know that means I have full control over where my child goes to school, goes to church, goes to the doctor, etc.  My ex has asked the school to send my child's grades to both of us, not just to me. How do I make the school send the grades only to me?

Answer:  My first question is, why would you want to deny your ex that information? Putting a block between your child and your ex will almost certainly backfire on you. Your child will most likely have a great difficulty understanding why you took a step, however small, to alienate him or her from your ex. Your may distrust your ex, fear your ex, even hate your ex, but your child probably doesn't. Your child, at any age, probably wants a relationship with your ex. I realize there are exceptions to this rule, especially at the older ages where children often become less attached to and dependent on their parents, but you should stay out of it. DON'T DO ANYTHING TO DISTANCE YOUR CHILD FROM YOUR EX unless you have a really, really, REALLY good reason. Like maybe a court order or a provable fear of harm to your child. Notice I said, "provable."

And most judges won't back you up if you try to keep grades from your ex.  Most state's judges are very reluctant to prohibit a parent from seeing the grades of his or her child. Judges do what they can to unite children with estranged parents, and they are very reluctant to do anything that separates children from their parents in any way unless there is evidence of child abuse or some other direct harm to the child.

But that doesn't really answer your question, does it? Despite my warning, if you want to keep the grades from your ex, you can probably get away with it. Show the principal your "sole custody" order, and the school will probably send the grades only to you from that point forward. Your ex may complain to the school, but most school officials would recommend to your ex that the matter be taken up in court. Then they'd continue to send the report cards only to you. Keeping grades from your spouse may be wrong, but you'd probably be successful. Now that I've answered the question, I can only hope you'll use your newfound knowledge for good, not evil.

Source:  "Can I Keep My Child's Grades Away From My Ex?" by Brent Rose, published at The Orsini & Rose Divorce and Family Law Blog.

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The South Carolina Bar's Law Related Education Division has launched LawForKids.org, America's first stand alone web site dedicated to teaching children about the law.  The Site was made possible by collaboration with the Arizona Foundation for Legal Services and Education and an IOLTA grant from the SC Bar.  The specific goal of this site is educating children, their parents, communities, and schools to increase their knowledge about youth laws and to encourage law-abiding behavior.  You can visit the site by clicking HERE.

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A Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is a person lawfully invested with the power and charged with the duty of protecting a minor child’s interests during Family Court litigation.  Have you ever wondered what qualifications and training someone must have to be able to serve as a Guardian ad Litem in Family Court?  If so, or if you are curious as to the specific duties that GALs have in such cases, you should check out the "Guidelines for Guardians ad Litem for Children in Family Court" which was recently revised by the Children’s Law Committee of the South Carolina Bar.  This excellent, helpful resource is free and available for download by clicking HERE.

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From The Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

The new Grinch? Nah. Just a lawyer (no, they're not the same thing) who's famously discreet about his famous clientele. So don't expect juicy tidbits about the high-stakes unhitchings of Jane Fonda, David Justice or Marianne Gingrich (ex-Mrs. Newt No. 2) to surface in the Atlanta attorney's new book.

Instead, "Protecting Your Assets From A Georgia Divorce" (PSG Books, $19.95) is aimed squarely at the local Everyman and woman. From choosing the right lawyer to understanding how a "fair" settlement isn't necessarily an "equal" one, the book is a comprehensive, somewhat cautionary primer for Georgians considering or already in the process of divorcing.

Unfortunately, its arrival may be a case of perfect timing. An eyepopping number of marriages find the proverbial lump of coal in their stockings in December, says Mayoue, who evinces little cheer in making that statement. During a conversation in his Vinings office recently, Mayoue — who is donating all author royalties to Camp Sunshine, an Atlanta-based facility for children with cancer and their families — discussed divorce at the holidays and beyond in Georgia.

Q: If everyone reads your book, couldn't you possibly put yourself out of business here? Why take that risk?

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One of the many factors that the Court considers in child custody cases is the school and educational resources available at each parent's residence.  In other words, if the parents live in different school districts, how do they compare to each other? 

If both parents live in the same city or county, the information is usually easy to access and present to the Court. However, when the parents live in different states, it is somewhat more difficult.  In cases where the parents do not live in the same location, this issue can be even more important.

Fortunately, SchoolMatters.com is an online resource that enables parents (and their attorneys) to compare schools based upon performance of students on standardized tests, teacher-pupil ratios, and other critical factors.  This resource is a service of Standard & Poor's, and it is free.

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In child custody cases, parents often accuse each other of leaving the child inadequately supervised.  The allegations can be that the child was left home alone or left with someone who cannot properly supervise the child (such as relatives who are too old or too young).  Left Unsupervised: A Look at the Most Vulnerable Children, a 2003 study published by the non-profit research organization Child Trends addressed the large number of children are left without care and supervision by their parents.

Surprisingly, most States do not have regulations or laws about when a child is considered old enough to care for himself/herself or to care for other children.  Some states have guidelines or recommendations that are usually distributed through child protective services at the county level.  Similarly, reports of child neglect can be made to the S.C. Department of Social Services, though the response their tends to be very inconsistent and erratic.

As a practical matter, the difficulty in this area centers on the fact that every child is different.  Establishing a rule that a child must be X years old to stay home alone or supervise other children would not solve this problem, because some children are mature at an early age, some are immature, and many fall somewhere in the middle.  Wise parents base their decision about leaving his or her minor child unsupervised upon careful consideration of the child's maturity and emotional stability.

Family dynamics also must play a part in a parent's decisions about child care. Should a sibling be left in charge of younger siblings? If so, how old should that sibling be? How long should or could he/she be in charge? In some families, it would never work to leave one child in charge because of family dynamics, sibling rivalries, or other special challenges faced by one of more of the children.  The maturity and capabilities of the elected babysitter should be the controlling factors.

To help parents ensure that their children are safe, the University of Michigan Health System has compiled an excellent resource Babysitter Safety - What Parents and Sitters Need to Know.  This website includes the following types of information:  how to choose a babysitter, things to tell the sitter before you leave, information sitters should have, resources for sitters, the dangers of leaving kids home alone, information about problems associated with sibling sitters, and more.

Source:  "Home Alone: Child Care and Babysitter Issues" by Jeanne M. Hannah, published at her Updates in Michigan Family Law blog.

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Men, here is a great web site full of resources to help you become a better father to your child(ren). Every child needs a father that he or she can count on.  Children thrive when they have an involved father - someone who loves them unconditionally, knows them intimately, guides them carefully, and helps them achieve their destiny. 

Take a little time and check out Fathers.com. Created by the National Center for Fathering, it provides research-based training, practical tips and resources to help men be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures children need.

Source:  "Become a Better Father" by Dan Nunley, published at his Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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Experienced family law attorneys know that it is sometimes necessary or desirable to hire other professionals to assist with particular issues in domestic cases.  Of course, the types of professionals  and tasks to be performed will vary, depending on the issues involved in each specific case.  Other professionals commonly used include:

• The professionals most commonly used in Family Court cases are private investigators.  Not only can these professionals be very helpful in obtaining information about a spouse’s misconduct, they can also help with many other types of issues, such as child custody and visitation cases.
• Mental health counselors are also helpful in many cases. These professionals can include psychiatrists, psychologists, licensed social workers, and custody evaluators.  Their services provided range widely and include psychological evaluations, anger management, conflict resolution, child counseling, domestic violence, and parenting issues.
• If parties cannot agree on the value of an asset, it may be necessary to hire an appraiser. Typically, the first type of appraiser that comes to mind is a real estate appraiser. However, there are also professional appraisers who can value anything from antiques, equipment, furniture, or collections to retirement accounts.
• Accountants are used in many Family Court cases when difficult financial issues arise. The most common areas in which an accountant can be beneficial are (a) determining the income of a self-employed individual, (b) valuing a retirement account, and (c) determining the value of a business entity.

If any of these issues arise in your family law case, your attorney will generally be able to refer you to a qualified professional.  Our firm, like most attorneys, strive to do everything we can to ensure that our clients receive excellent service, not only from us, but also from the other professionals with whom we work.

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If you have a child who has had to deal with a divorce, you should know about a A Kid's Guide to Divorce.  This website explains divorce in helpful language from a child's point of view.  Divorce can be a scary thing to grownups, so you can only imagine how children must feel about it.  The website has sections titled "Kids Can't Cause a Divorce!" and "Kids Can't Fix a Divorce".  It is available in both English and Spanish versions.

Source:  "A Kid's Guide to Divorce" by James J. Gross, published at his Not Just Every Other Weekend blog.

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For anyone concerned about their children's online safety, CNET has produced an extensive guide to keeping kids safe online.  Not only is there written information, but the guide also contains video reviews, demonstrations, and parent-driven discussion groups.  Their guide is divided into the following six sections:

1. Developing safe and smart Internet citizens
2. Parental controls that keep tabs on young Web surfers
3. Growing concerns over cyberbullying
4. Parents, tech outdo lawmakers on Internet safety
5. User-generated videos challenge parental controls
6. Readers address online safety for kids

Source:  "Keep Your Kids Safe Online" published at CNET.com.  Thanks to Rick Broida for his post at LifeHacker on this topic.

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Lawyers Weekly USA recently published an excellent article on parental alienation syndrome (PAS).  "Parental Alienation: The Latest Weapon in Nasty Divorces" takes an inside look at the various aspects of PAS from the perspectives of those involved in the legal system.  The article features interviews with psychologist Richard Gardner and several divorce attorneys: Steve Pradell of Anchorage, Alaska; Susan Gallagher of Minneapolis, Minnesota; Michael R. Walsh of Orlando, Florida; Patrick O'Reilly of Buffalo, New York; and me, Ben Stevens.

Some of the quotes from me in this article are:

• Although parental alienation has become a common weapon in custody cases around the country, proving it can be a tall order.  "It's like everything else in a custody case - it all comes down to what you can prove at trial. A lot of bad things happen, but they're very difficult to prove," said Ben Stevens of Stevens MacPhail in Spartanburg, S.C.
• But the heart of any parental alienation case is the expert testimony, according to Stevens.  "Take the child to a mental health professional and let him do testing," he suggested. "Then you've got an expert witness to come and say, 'In my expert opinion, this is what's going on.'"
• Third-party witnesses can also be a powerful weapon in court.  "Try to line up witnesses that would have had the opportunity to see [the parent] interact with the child. Teachers, scout leaders, dance teachers, karate teachers - people who see them during times when parents let their guard down and can say, 'I've never seen Dad say anything bad about Mom or Mom say anything bad about Dad,'" Stevens suggested.
• "I encourage my clients to act reasonably, assume anything they do or say could be shown to the judge - or better yet, that the judge is standing there watching," said Stevens. "I don't know if that's great advice or I've just had good clients, but I haven't had many alienation claims alleged against my clients."
• Stevens is also careful to take cases he believes in strongly.  "It's not worth it to me to deal with clients who are acting deliberately," he said. "If they're going to do that to their child's parent, I'm going to have a problem with them at some point."

The other attorneys interviewed in the article make interesting points, and some even disagree with  me on certain issues.  I strongly suggest that you read this article and consider all of the points raised by the various contributors.  You can read the full text of the article by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Parental Alienation: The Latest Weapon in Nasty Divorces" by Amy Johnson Conner, published at Lawyers Weekly USA.

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The ABA Section of Family Law has opened registration for the 2007 Trial Advocacy Institute and Advanced Trial Advocacy Institute.  The Institute, now in its 21st year, is one of the premier trial training programs for family law practitioners.

The Trial Advocacy Institute only has 48 available slots this year, with the Advanced Institute only having 10 slots.  If you are interested in learning more and/or obtaining an application for either program, you can click HERE. 

I have not been through this program yet, but I hope to be able to do so one day when time permits.  I have heard great things about the Trial Advocacy Institute, and the faculty and agenda have appeared to be outstanding in past years.

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