South Carolina Family Law Blog : Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Turnipseed, Brannon & Stevens Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

Leah Ward Sears, who served as a family court judge for 26 years and is the recently retired chief justice of the Georgia Supreme Court, recently wrote an interesting editorial in the Atlanta Journal Constitution about what it takes to make a lasting marriage. She said that more than anything else, it’s plain old commitment that matters most:

There is a lot of conventional wisdom on the key to a successful marriage. Marry someone you love. Marry someone who makes you laugh. Marry someone who can put up with you. Marry someone who is financially secure. Marry someone with similar values, common interests and a good education. All are good advice. But after years of thinking about and studying this country’s divorce epidemic, I now believe that the key to most successful marriages is when the couple is more committed to the health and longevity of the marriage than to each other. That way, during those times when they can’t stand each other — and those times surely will come, as no one is perfect— they have something to fall back on and remain committed to.

This is great advice, because people in any relationship will inevitably mess up somehow and upset the other person. Commitment to the relationship gives the couple time to work through those difficulties for a more lasting marriage.

Source:  "Key to Successful Marriage" by Gideon Alper, published at his Atlanta Divorce Law Blog.

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A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who live together before marriage have a higher chance of getting divorced than those who wait until they were engaged or married.  It also stated that couples who lived together before marrying reported lower marriage satisfaction, despite the fact that over 70 percent of couples in the United States live together before marrying.

Meanwhile, a study in the Journal of Family Issues, analyzed the reasons why couples chose to live together.  The most common answer was because they wanted to spend more time together, followed by convenience, followed by testing the relationship. What do you think?  Does living together before marriage increase or decrease the chances that a couple will later divorce?

Source:  "Living Together Before Marriage Ups Chance of Divorce: Study" published at AFP; "DU study: Living together before marriage causes problems" by Jeffrey Wolf, published at 9News.com; and "Live-In Lovers Have 'Unhealthy' Marriage" published at The Times of India.

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The recently retired Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court, Leah Ward Sears, wrote a compelling article for CNN.com in which she called for the end of "disposable marriage."  Her brother committed suicide, and she suspected that his bitter divorce at least partially contributed to it.  Some of key quotes from her commentary are listed below, but I highly recommend that everyone read the whole article:

• "As a judge I have long held a front row seat to the wreckage left behind by our culture of disposable marriage and casual divorce ...."
• "But no-fault divorce's broad acceptance as an unquestioned social good helped usher in an era that fundamentally altered the seriousness with which marriage is viewed. It effectively ended marriage as a legal contract since either party can terminate it, with or without cause. This leaves many people struggling to remake their lives after painful divorces that they do not want. It also left many parents cut off from, or sidelined in, the lives of the children they love."
• "Of course, there are occasions when divorce is necessary. And not everyone should marry. But it has become too easy for people to walk away from their families and commitments without a real regard for the gravity of their decision and the consequences for other people, particularly children."

Source:  "Commentary: Let's End Disposable Marriage" by Leah Ward Sears, published at CNN.com.

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To get married in the State of South Carolina, you need to obtain a marriage license. The following requirements apply to both residents and non-residents:

• The bride and groom must appear together at the office of a South Carolina county probate judge and file a written application. This application asks for the full name, social security number, age, and place of residence of the bride and the groom. It is a sworn statement that must be signed by the bride and the groom and then notarized in the office of the probate judge.
• Some probate judges require both the bride and groom to show their social security cards.
• There is a waiting period after the application is filed before the license can be picked up and the marriage can take place. This waiting period varies from county to county, so please contact the appropriate county probate judge at least a week before you plan to get married.
• If you are 18 years old or older, you do not need parental consent. But you must provide proof of your age (or simply identification if you're over age 25) by presenting one of the following:
  • Valid driver's license
  • Original birth certificate or a certified copy of your birth certificate
  • Current military identification card
  • Current passport
• If you are under the age of 18, parental consent can be granted for boys and girls who are at least 16 years old. All minor applicants must file an original birth certificate or a certified copy of their birth certificate, which becomes a part of their permanent application record. The parent or legal guardian of a minor applicant must appear at the same time as the minor to present identification and sign a form consenting to the marriage.
• No blood test or physical exam is required.
• South Carolina residency is not required.
• No proof of divorce is required.
• The fee for a marriage license varies from county to county.

Additional Information

• A South Carolina marriage license is valid only for marriages performed in South Carolina.
• There is no expiration date for a South Carolina marriage license.
• South Carolina laws concerning marriage and marriage licenses

Source: "South Carolina – How to Apply for a Marriage License", published as part of SCIway.net's "Guide to Planning Your South Carolina Wedding"

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Several months ago, I published an article which discussed the concept of having a martial checkup.  If you are interested in learning more about this concept, you should click here to check out an article which discusses this concept in greater depth, focusing on the findings of James Cordova, Ph.D.

Source:  "'Marriage Checkup' Works" by Kathleen Doheny, published at PsychCentral.

 

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The following Guest Post is from Julie Thompson:

Earlier this month Good Morning America presented a report called “Do You Need a Marital Checkup?”  It cited the research of James Cordova, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts. Cordova said that an annual marriage checkup is the marital health equivalent of the annual physical or the every six-month dental visit.  Like a tiny dental cavity you can’t see, “so much is what is predictive of a deteriorating relationship is difficult for the couple to detect.” That’s where the checkup comes in.

• A couples communication workshop introduces communication tools that help couples to improve their emotional connection. They learn to listen with empathy, reduce misunderstanding, and resolve conflict in healthy ways. 
• A relationship assessment from PREPARE-ENRICH can help couples to identify strengths and areas needing growth. 
• A coaching session helps couples set goals for improvement in their relationship, and provides support and accountability for making healthy changes.

 

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From this week's ABA Journal Weekly Newsletter:

A Georgia Supreme Court commission is so concerned about the impact of broken families that it is sponsoring a dozen billboards throughout the state with the message “Get Married, Stay Married.”

Georgia Chief Justice Leah Ward Sears told the Fulton County Daily Report that she hopes the billboards will help bring down divorce and crime rates, and push fathers to stay involved in their children’s lives.

"It's our job to say to the legislature, and to the executive, 'We see and notice this,' " she told the publication. “We do more than just read cases. We see a lot of human devastation. It's my job to speak out."

Sears is promoting intact families despite her own divorce after 20 years of marriage, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports. “It’s politically incorrect to say marriage has benefits,” she said. “Let’s not be afraid to say marriage is a good thing.”

The Georgia Supreme Court’s Commission on Children, Marriage and Family Law sponsored the billboards and convened a pro-marriage conference last week. Participants talked about topics ranging from the role of spirituality in supporting marriage to whether gay marriage promotes family stability. Sears moderated the gay marriage debate, but didn’t take a position. She told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the issue needs to be addressed by legislation.

The Georgia Bar Foundation paid the $50,000 cost to produce the billboards, and the Outdoor Advertising Association of Georgia donated the space, Sears said. Private foundations also picked up much of the cost of the marriage summit.

The billboards picture a happy looking family or a contented baby and carry an additional message, according to the story in the Fulton County Daily Report. The blurb on some billboards reads, "Children do better with parents together." The other message simply says, "For Children's Sake."

The billboards also list a website, www.getmarriedstaymarried.org.

Source:  "Ga. Supreme Court Sponsors ‘Get Married, Stay Married’ Billboards" by Debra Cassens Weiss, published in the ABA Journal Weekly Newsletter.

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The South Carolina Supreme Court recently addressed the issue of whether a bigamous marriage can become valid if the prior marriage was annulled.  In Lukich v. Lukich, the Court found that a second marriage was bigamous, despite the annulment of the wife's first marriage, because the annulment was not procured until after the second marriage ceremony.  The Court specifically found that "while an annulment order relates back in most senses, it does not have the ability to validate the bigamous second 'marriage.'"  

Here are the interesting (yet complicated) facts of the Lukich case:

• In 1973, Wife married Husband #1.  They never lived together, but never divorced.
• In 1985, Wife and Husband #2 participated in a marriage ceremony.
• In 2002, Wife filed an action seeking separate support and maintenance and other related relief from Husband #2.  During the course of discovery, Husband #2 learned Wife had never been divorced from Husband #1.
• In 2003, Husband #2 filed an action seeking to declare his marriage to Wife void because it was bigamous.
• After that action was filed, Wife filed a separate suit seeking an annulment of her marriage to Husband #1.  That case was expedited, and an Order granting her an annulment was filed on October 31, 2003.
• Wife then filed a motion to dismiss Husband #2’s bigamy action based on the October 31, 2003, Order granting her an annulment and declaring her first marriage void ab initio. 
• The Family Court held that Wife was barred from defending against Husband #2’s action to void the parties' marriage on the basis of the Order of Annulment.
• Wife appealed, and both the Court of Appeals and Supreme Court affirmed, finding that since there was no marriage when the ceremony between Wife and Husband #2 was performed in 1985, there was nothing to be "revived" by the annulment Order in 2003.

You can read the full text of Lukich v. Lukich by clicking HERE.

 

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The superb Stay Happily Married blog has published a podcast in which ten noted marriage counselors share their top tips to help you stay happily married for another year.  The podcast can easily be downloaded or you can listen in the provided pop-up player.  This would make the perfect Valentine's Day gift to yourself.

The panel of counselors includes Sandra Dopf, Certified Master Level Life Coach; Jennifer Coleman, Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in family and relationship issues; Dr. Patricia Hogan, Clinical Psychologist; Dr. Kathleen Connolly, Licensed Counselor; Dr. Robert Abramowitz, Licensed Psychologist; Donna Moore, Licensed Clinical Social Worker; Barbara Keyworth, Marital Therapist; Dr. Susan Orenstein, Licensed Psychologist specializing in relationship issues; Dr. Michael Hall, Specialist in couples counseling; and Amanda Hardenbrook, Licensed Professional Counselor.

Source:  "Valentine’s Day Podcast - Stay Married for Another Year" published at the Stay Happily Married blog.

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Question:  How long do I have to wait after my divorce before I can legally remarry?

Answer:  There is no mandatory waiting period in South Carolina that one must wait after a divorce, so as soon as you are legally divorced, you are able to remarry.  However, it is very important to note that you are not actually divorced until the Judge signs the Divorce Decree, which does not necessarily take place at the final hearing.

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According to wedding-planning site TheKnot.com, today (07-07-07) is the single largest wedding day in Amerian history.  Over 38,000 couples registered this day as their wedding date, and that is more than triple the number of couples getting married on any other day of the year.  I wish them all the best of luck as they begin their new lives together.

Source:  "'The Single Largest Wedding Day In American History': 7/7/07" published at The Huffington Post.

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The New York Times reports that relationship experts believe that couples should ask each other critical questions before marrying, including the following:

1. Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2. Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3. Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4. Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6. Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7. Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8. Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10. Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11. Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12. What does my family do that annoys you?
13. Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14. If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15. Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Source:  "Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying" published in The New York Times.

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Hopefully, this Valentine's Day will be a happy one for you and your spouse.  Unfortunately, many people across the country will not be so lucky, because their spouse is being unfaithful and violating their marriage vows.

However, there is good news.  Noted private investigator and author, Bill Mitchell, has come up with the following fourteen ways to avoid adultery in your marriage:

1. Promise your mate you will never join an internet "cheaters" service.
2. Put any positive thoughts of a "love triangle" in the company shredder
3. Guard your affection for your spouse or significant other. Don't give it away carelessly.
4. In 2006 share cards, chocolates, flowers, hotel suites and gifts with just ONE - your spouse.
5. Tell yourself you will get caught - no matter how selective a gene pool you left.
6. Understand that not every parent who cheated on their spouse is a wise or a good example to follow.
7. Convince yourself that car behind you is a private investigator placing a "tail" on you.
8. Look for reasons to keep your marriage alive - try a defibrillator if necessary.
9. Communicate to save your marriage. Be open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires and aspirations.
10. Be affectionate, accountable, understanding and honest this year ( of course with your spouse). Try signing up for a marriage seminar or retreat. Check with a local church for events in your area.
11. Read this aloud; "Affairs seem exciting and fulfilling for a moment but destructive to me, my family, friends, employer and future. It's not worth it and I'm too smart for that troubled way of living!"
12. Extramarital affairs are just too costly even for the wealthy. Do everyone around you a big favor, including your kids, use just one bed - the one at home - with your spouse.
13. Value your health. You can't risk the future over a fling. Cheaters often spread STD's.
14. Agree that a little "self-indulgence" will lead to an affair so listen to your conscience before it leads anywhere.

Source:  "Fourteen Sure Fire Actions to avoid an affair this Valentine's Day" by Bill Mitchell, published at his The More You Know blog.

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A recent study conducted by the Harvard Law School addressed the misconception that a prenup increases the likelihood of divorce.  It concluded that a solid prenuptial agreement is likely to improve the chances of a successful marriage.

The study's author, Heather Mahar, argues that the division of assets is "the least compelling reason for average American couples to consider prenuptial agreements, since most couples do not enter marriages with significant assets."  However, "for couples who choose a traditional partnership, with one spouse exiting the workforce to raise children, agreeing in advance about how to divide assets earned during a marriage or potential future earnings can protect the stay-at-home spouse against divorce laws, which have generally eliminated long-term alimony."

This study contends that the process of creating a prenup acts as form of premarital counseling, making couples talk about what kind of marriage they want, and what legal ramifications there will be if one spouse veers off course.

Source:  "New Study Promotes Prenuptial (Prenup) Agreements for Successful Marriages" published at eMediaWire.  Thanks to Jeffrey Lalloway of the California Divorce and Family Law blog for his post about this article.

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Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1. Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2. Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3. Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4. Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6. Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7. Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8. Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10. Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11. Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12. What does my family do that annoys you?
13. Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14. If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15. Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Source:  "Before Marrying" published in The New York Times, as referenced this post at the Family Law Prof Blog.

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The New York Times reported earlier this week that married couples are now a minority in the United States.  The American Community Survey found that in 2005, for the first time, only 49.7 percent of our country's households were made up of married couples, down from 52 percent five years earlier.  On the brighter side, the total number of married couples is higher than ever, and the study found that most Americans still marry eventually.  You can read more about this development by clicking HERE.

Source:  "To Be Married Means to Be Outnumbered" by Sam Roberts, published in The New York Times. Thanks to Jeanne M. Hannah of the Updates in Michigan Family Law blog for her post about this article.

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I am pleased to present the fifth and last installment of Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne's excellent series, 50 Ways NOT to Leave Your Lover. You can follow these links to read Part One, Part Two, Part Three, or Part Four.  Thanks again to Trey for allowing us to reprint his series.  Without any further adieu, here's Part Five:

You may remember the song from the 1970’s called “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” Some of the words of the song are “Slip out the back, Jack… make a new plan, Stan….you don’t have to be coy, Roy….” This is a five part series that plays on this song as “50 ways NOT to leave your lover.”

In our culture and society, there are more ideas that interfere with healthy marriages than help them. We are a selfish and individualistic culture. In business, we sacrifice our families, time with our children, even time for our own selves in pursuit of the sacred dollar. The divorce rate today is nearly one out of every two marriages.

When we look for healthy models for strong marriages and functional family systems, those models aren’t typically found in our families, in our friendships, and perhaps not even in our faith communities. Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? This is a question that deserves some attention in a world that is looking for successes.

For the longest time, those who were religious enjoyed healthier and more stable marriages. Now that is no longer the case. The growing divorce rate in America has crossed just about every ethnic, cultural, religious and even racial divide.

Here is the final part of this five part series in offering practical, helpful, and creative ideas to help foster a lasting and healthy relationship in keeping your marriage from being a casualty. Ultimately, a successful marriage and relationship is about how each respects, values, and honors the other in everyday life.

41. Proudly wear your wedding rings and re-size them if they are too tight. Wearing of the rings adds an additional reminder of how special you are to your spouse. Perhaps the person marrying you said something similar to “the ring is round signifying your love that never ends.” Let each spouse have that encouragement throughout the day as a reminder of that neverending love.

42. Wives, go directly to number 43. This one is for husbands only. Men, try doing special things for your wives on non-designated days. Valentines Day and Mother’s Day are expected times. Try being spontaneous; buy her flowers and send them to her work or to the house. When she inquires as to why, tell her it was just because you were thinking of her and that you love her. She will melt. Women love it when there is no air of expectation and you do something that shows you are thinking of them.

43. Be sensitive to one another’s desires for intimacy. Men and women are always on different time schedules. Be ready to give and to receive from one another. I love the verse in Luke 6:38 “…give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Knowing that this is not specifically talking about couple’s intimacy, it is talking about judging one another. As a spouse, use grace and love in being sensitive to the intimate needs of your partner.

44. Be positive. This might sound too simplistic, but consider changing the attitudes of your common experiences together to seeing the good and the positive in your spouse/partner. Everyday life can become mundane and it can be easy to become negative with your partner. Take control of this as a weakness. Be strong and be positive.

45. Each night when you go to bed, even if couples go to sleep at different times, take 10 minutes and snuggle together. Take turns leading in this. Then the other spouse can get out of the bed and finish up late night work. Even if spouses sleep in different rooms because of medical or physical reasons, start off the process together. This builds the relationship.

46. Talk to your spouse about your dreams, both the sleepy dreams and the visionary dreams. Open yourself to imagination and creativity. Find ways to stay connected to the “inner child” in each of you.

47. Be willing to be vulnerable. This is a concept that many men struggle with on a continual basis. Men interpret vulnerability as weakness, but the BIG secret that we miss out on is that vulnerability finds inner strength. There is a blessing that can come when one can push the pride/ego self to the side and hear from or be corrected by a spouse. Open yourself up to your spouse/partner. Let them into your inner sanctum of your mind and heart and trust. It is there that relationship really takes place.

48. Date your spouse on a regular basis. Women, be assertive towards your husbands to treat them and to create special times for them, more so than just covering the bases with the expected. I hear many wives complain that their husbands don’t appreciate what they do for them everyday. It is because men come to take expectations for granted. Women, be spontaneous and creative. Dress differently for your spouse; remind him how handsome he is by showing your beauty to him.

49. Husbands and wives: Hold hands in public. Men – reach out and intentionally grab the hand of your spouse and pull it close to you. Women – reach out and intentionally grab the hand of your spouse and pull it close to you. Let the nonverbal communication between you be intentional not happenstance. Winks of the eyes, glances from afar, body movements, and touching can be excellent reminders to our spouses that we are connected even if we are apart.

50. Re-evaluate the goals and the direction of your family and relationship every year. Just like a tune up for a car or regular maintenance for anything you want to last a long time and keep in good shape, maintaining your marriage and relationship is vital. Set aside a weekend to talk about the whats, whys, and hows of the relationship at this point in time. Look at monetary savings, look at communication patterns, look at time spent together and apart, consider the demands of jobs, time with children, and every particular way that you are continually investing in the other for the benefit of the family.  Consider seeing a marriage therapist for the sole reason of learning new communication skills or to address a hidden problem before it becomes too big. Taking the time to do regular relationship maintenance now can save time, money, and energy later in life.

I sincerely hope that each of these brief articles has been a rich blessing to you and your partner for the benefit of your relationship, your family life, and any children you may have. Thank you for all the emails and calls for copies of this and for the good reception that this particular series has had for you.

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307.  He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families.

Source:  "50 Ways Not To Leave Your Lover" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, Published in the August 2006 edition of Prime Years.

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I am pleased to present the fourth installment of Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne's excellent series, 50 Ways NOT to Leave Your Lover.  You can follow these links to read Part One, Part Two, or Part Three.  Next week will conclude this series, but in the meantime, here our exclusive presentation of Part Four:

You may remember the song from the 1970’s called “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” Some of the words of the song are “Slip out the back, Jack…make a new plan, Stan….you don’t have to be coy, Roy….” This is a five part series that plays on this song as “50 ways NOT to leave your lover.”

In our culture and society, there are more ideas that interfere with healthy marriages than help them. We are a selfish and individualistic culture. In business, we sacrifice our families, time with our children, even time for our own selves in pursuit of the sacred dollar. The divorce rate today is nearly one out of every two marriages. When we look for healthy models for strong marriages, functional family systems, those models aren’t typically found in our families, in our friendships, and perhaps not even in our faith communities. Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? This is a question that deserves some attention in a world that is looking for successes.

For the longest time, those that were religious presented with healthier and more stable marriages. Now that is no longer the case. The growing divorce rate in America has crossed just about every ethnic, cultural, religious and even racial divide.

Here is part four of this five part series in offering practical, helpful, and creative ideas to help foster a lasting and healthy relationship in keeping your marriage from being a casualty. Ultimately, a successful marriage and relationship is about how each respects, values, and honors the other in everyday life. Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty. The following are ten more ways that can be helpful:

30. Tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Actually say the words. If you think, “I don’t have to tell her. She knows,” you are wrong. It doesn’t count if you think it but don’t say it out loud.

31. Look at her when you speak to her. This conveys, “This is important and you are important.”

32. Look at him when he speaks to you. This conveys, “What you are saying is important.  You are important.”

33. Celebrate birthdays in a big way.

34. Ask, “What can I do to make you happier?”

35. Be vulnerable to and with your spouse

36. Respond quickly to the other person’s request.

37. Take responsibility for your actions; remember to apologize backed up by learning from your mistakes.

38. Treat each other’s friends and relatives with respect and courtesy.

39. Make opportunities to do something special for your spouse on non-special ordinary occasions. In essence, don’t wait for the expected times to do something special for one another. Claim the everyday and the ordinary as opportunities to share your love with one another.

40. Be willing to seek outside help when necessary. Ask for directions, seek professional help in times of relationship difficulty and trouble. Isn’t your covenant relationship valuable enough for that?

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Dr, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families.

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I am pleased to present the third installment of Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne's excellent series, 50 Ways NOT to Leave Your Lover.  You can follow this link to read Part One or Part Two, and here is Part Three:

You may remember the song from the 1970’s called “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” Some of the words of the song are “Slip out the back, Jack… make a new plan, Stan….you don’t have to be coy, Roy….” This is a five part series that plays on this song as “50 ways NOT to leave your lover.”

In our culture and society, there are more ideas that interfere with healthy marriages than help them. We are a selfish and individualistic culture. In business, we sacrifice our families, time with our children, even time for our own selves in pursuit of the sacred dollar. The divorce rate today is nearly one out of every two marriages.

When we look for healthy models for strong marriages and functional family systems, those models aren’t typically found in our families, in our friendships, and perhaps not even in our faith communities. Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? This is a question that deserves some attention in a world that is looking for successes.

For the longest time, those who were religious represented with healthier and more stable marriages. Now that is no longer the case. The growing divorce rate in America has crossed just about every ethnic, cultural, religious and even racial divide.

Pathways Pastoral Counseling would like to offer an attempt towards helping marriages last longer and to help build on a platform of sustainability through the difficulties and trials. As a marriage and family therapist, I am presented with husbands and wives who have grown apart and found it difficult to stay connected because of loss of trust, loss of intimacy, loss of love, and no knowledge or skill ability of how to recover that which has been lost.

Here is part three of this five part series in offering practical, helpful, and creative ideas to help foster a lasting and healthy relationship in keeping your marriage from being a casualty. Ultimately, a successful marriage and relationship is about how each respects, values, and honors the other in everyday life.

Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.  The following are ten more ways that can be helpful:

21. Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like this:  (a) Tell me about..., (b) What do you think of..., (c) What was it like when....

22. Have you become passive with your partner because that’s the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him/her to help you be more assertive.

23. Researchers have found that people whose marriages last the longest have learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value and honor their own privacy and separateness as a couple. This means they have regular, appropriate contact with their extended family, but that it is not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?

24. Check your communication with your partner and beware of using “You” messages. These are statements that begin with you. For example: You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.  You shouldn’t do that. You should call me from the office and tell me when you’ll be home. Here is what you ought to do. “You” messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.

25. If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with “I” messages instead. When you start your statement with “I,” you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blameful and less negative than the “you” message. You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an “I” message sounds: When I heard that you’d planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn’t asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.

26. Make a list of your partner’s positive qualities. Share them with him/ her and tell him/her why you think each is true.

27. Ask your partner to do the same for you.

28. Respect each other’s private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.

29. As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like they are living in the same house, but have parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is the trend in your relationship and what do you want to do about it? 

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Dr, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families.

Source:  "50 Ways Not To Leave Your Lover" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, Published in the June 2006 edition of Prime Years.

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I am pleased to present the second installment of Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne's excellent series, 50 Ways NOT to Leave Your Lover. You can follow this link to read Part One, and here is Part Two:

In our culture and society, there are more ideas that interfere with healthy marriages than help them. We are a selfish and individualistic culture. In business, we sacrifice our families, time with our children, even time for our own selves in pursuit of the sacred dollar. The divorce rate today is nearly one out of every two marriages.

When we look for healthy models for strong marriages, functional family systems, those models aren’t typically found in our families, in our friendships, and perhaps not even in our faith communities. Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? This is a question that deserves some attention in a world that is looking for successes.

For the longest time, those who were religious represented healthier and more stable marriages. Now that is no longer the case. The growing divorce rate in America has crossed just about every ethnic, cultural, religious and even racial divide.

Pathways Pastoral Counseling would like to offer an attempt towards helping marriages last longer and to help build on a platform of sustainability through the diffi culties and trials. As a marriage and family therapist, I am presented with husbands and wives who have grown apart and found it diffi cult to stay connected because of loss of trust, loss of intimacy, loss of love, and no knowledge or skill ability of how to recover that which has been lost.

Here is part two of this five part series offering practical, helpful, and creative ideas to help foster a lasting and healthy relationship keeping your marriage from becoming a casualty. Ultimately, a successful marriage and relationship is about how each respects, values, and honors the other in everyday life.

Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty. The following are ten more ways that can be helpful:

11. When you want something from your partner, say please.

12. When your partner does something for you, say thank you.

13. When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her/him at the door and say hello. Ask how her / his day went.

14. When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and “I love you” or “Have a good day.”

15. When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home.

16. During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.

17. If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with her/him fi rst and make sure it’s convenient.

18. When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact and listen to the answer.

19. When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting her/him down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively. For example, you can say, “I have another opinion. I think we should wait until spring to have the walls painted,” rather than, “That’s silly! We should wait until spring.”

20. Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Dr, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families.

Source: "50 Ways Not To Leave Your Lover" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, Published in the May 2006 edition of Prime Years.

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I am pleased to present another excellent series of articles, 50 Ways Not To Leave Your Lover, by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. I will publish this five part series each Wednesday for five weeks, and I hope that you find it helpful. Here is Part One:

You may remember the song from the 1970’s called “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” Some of the words of the song are “Slip out the back, Jack…make a new plan, Stan…. you don’t have to be coy, Roy…just listen to me.” In our culture and society, there are more ideas that interfere with healthy marriages than help them. We are a selfish and individualistic culture.

We are consumer driven and industries that succeed in today’s market find ways for good customer service and efficient quality control. Families, marriages, and relationships are sacrificed to the success of the self. The divorce rate today still encroaches nearly one out of every two marriages.

When we look for healthy models for strong marriages, functional family systems, those models aren’t found in our parents or even in our families. Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? This is a question that deserves some attention in a world that is looking for successes.

For the longest time, those that were religious presented the healthier and more stable marriages. Now that is no longer the case. The growing divorce rate in America has crossed just about every ethnic, cultural, religious and even racial divide.

Pathways Pastoral Counseling would like to offer an attempt towards helping marriages last longer and to help build on a platform of sustainability through the difficulties and trials. As a marriage and family therapist, I am presented with husbands and wives who have grown apart and found it difficult to stay connected because of loss of trust, loss of intimacy, loss of love, and no knowledge or skill ability of how to recover that which has been lost.

So I would like to present a new 5 part series called “50 Ways Not to Leave Your Lover” in an attempt to offer practical and helpful ideas to keep what you have so valued and invested in for how ever many years. Ultimately, a successful marriage and relationship is about how each respects, values, and honors the other in everyday life.

Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty. The first 10 ways are:

1. Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer.

2. Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her.

3. Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted to win your partner over.

4. Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get into shape.

5. Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn’t give anyone permission to let it all hang out.

6. Spend regular time together alone.

7. Look for ways to compliment your partner.

8. Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved.

9. Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.

10. Be polite. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you can forget your manners.

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Dr, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families.

Source: "50 Ways Not To Leave Your Lover" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, Published in the March 2006 edition of Prime Years.

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In a 5-4 decision issued on July 26, 2006, the Washington State Supreme Court upheld that state's 1998 ban on same-sex marriage. Writing for a 5-4 majority, Justice Barbara Madsen said that the state's Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage as between a man and woman, is constitutional because it furthers the state's interest of stable, child-producing unions.

The Seattle Times article, "State Supreme Court Upholds Gay Marriage Ban," contains a thorough analysis of the decision in this case, Andersen v. King Co.. You can also read the full text of the majority, concurring, and dissenting opinions by clicking HERE.

Source: Thanks to Jim Hart for his post at the Florida Family & Divorce Lawyer blog about this decision.

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U.S. Congressman Lincloln Davis from Tennessee has called for divorce and adultery to be outlawed according to Tennessean.com.

‘If we truly want to protect marriage, we should look and do all the things we must to go after the evils that threaten each and every one of our marriages,’ Davis said. ‘These are the evils of divorce, adultery and abuse.’

The former Tennessee state legislator also condemned child abusers, calling child abuse ‘the most despicable act one can commit.’ He proposed that child abusers should never be allowed to run for public office. Divorcers and adulterers should be prevented from running for office, as well, he said.

‘The amount of divorce that has occurred in this country has become a threat to marriage,’ he said. ‘What do our children learn when they see their parents getting divorced left and right, only to remarry and get divorced again? What kind of example does that set?

‘We should … prevent those who commit adultery from running for office. Mr. S
Speaker, this House must lead by example.’

It should be noted however that his spokesman says that Rep. Davis was not being serious when he made those comments on the House floor. The spokesman says that the over-the-top comments were made during a debate on a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, which was only being brought up by Republicans as an election year ploy.

Source: "Congressman Calls For Divorce To Be Outlawed" from Legal Help Online. Thanks to Grant Griffiths at the Kansas Family & Divorce Lawyer blog for his post about this article.

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Surprising title, but good advice from The Motley Fool:

In these early days of summer, a young man's heart turns to thoughts of wedded bliss. OK, maybe not. But perhaps it should. Yes, folks, I'm advocating marrying for money (but in a good way). Romantic? Perhaps not. Practical? You betcha.

Two heads are better than one

Let's consider just a few of the advantages of soldering on the proverbial ball and chain.

First and foremost, it's the right thing to do. Pay that visit to Tiffany (NYSE: TIF)-- or better yet, save a buck or a few hundred by buying your lady a rock from Blue Nile (Nasdaq: NILE) -- and you won't just make her the happiest girl on Earth. You'll put an end to the ceaseless carping and nagging ... that she's been enduring from her mom asking when you're going to propose. (What did you think I was going to say?)

A happy home ... is cheaper than two

Two people living apart incur nearly twice the number of bills of two people living together. Two apartments means two sets of monthly cable, phone, and power bills that must be paid every day both apartments are rented -- even when you're at her place or she's visiting yours. Sure, sometimes people "need their space," but the cost of heating, cooling, and lighting separate spaces can add up to hundreds of dollars a month.

Other costs can't be cut exactly in half, but there are still savings to be had from merging your households. Look at cell phone bills, for instance. After the honeymoon, you'll each almost certainly want to carry around separate cells. But as a married couple, you can sign up for one of the "family plans" offered by most cell phone providers. In my experience, two cell phones on one family plan can easily save $10 to $15 per month.

The same holds true for larger appliances. Two households require two washers, two dryers, two microwaves, two stereos -- you get the picture -- to be bought, maintained, and replaced over time. Under a single roof, all of these costs are cut nearly in half.

Speaking of one roof ...

Let's assume two people are living in separate apartments. Tying the knot and moving in together under one roof can yield significant savings -- even if the new place is larger than the two old ones combined.

According to the rate sheet from my old apartment complex, depending on the floor plan, two people moving from separate one-bedroom apartments to a single three-bedroom apartment, would save anywhere from 18% and 44% on their combined rent. Depending on where you live and the going rate for apartment rentals, on top of giving you more space to live in, sharing a roof can easily mean hundreds of dollars in savings each month. (In the examples I looked at, the savings worked out to between $400 and $1,200 per month.)

Money matters

There are even more ways to save as a dynamic duo. Consider the advantages of joint banking and investment accounts. Banks often pay higher interest rates on accounts with bigger balances. Sure, you could earn and save more, but that's easier said than done. A faster, more frugal way is to combine your separate treasuries in one joint account.

The situation is similar in brokerland, where a battle rages for market share among major online brokers such as TD Ameritrade (Nasdaq: AMTD) and E*Trade (NYSE: ET). And although they fight like cats and dogs to steal any of each others' clients, the battle really heats up -- and gives you opportunities to save some major moola -- in the contest to woo the holders of the biggest investing accounts.

This is America, after all, and bigger is considered better. So the bigger your investing account, the more perks these companies will throw at you. With accounts worth $10,000 or more, account holders are usually able to avoid monthly maintenance fees. At the $50,000-and-up level, discounted commissions are a common perk. And once you cross the $100,000 line, money managers like Bank of America (NYSE: BAC) will slash their commissions so low, it'd make the "discount brokers" blush. Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC) will let you trade for free once your account hits $250,000.

Listen to your heart, young Fool -- and your bank account. They're both singing in unison: "It's a nice day for a white wedding."

Source: "Marry for Money" by Rich Smith, published at The Motley Fool.

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Dr. Oren Hernandez, a Florida marriage counselor, developed an eight question "Divorce Test," which he claims can help determine if your marriage is on the right track. See what you think...

The questions:

1. Money is the number one cause of arguments in our relationship

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

2. Do you believe arguing is healthy?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

3. We have trouble communicating with each other.

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

4. I'm satisfied with our sex life.

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

5. I trust my spouse completely?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

6. Is taking time for myself in a marriage important?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

7. I am worried that my spouse has the potential to be unfaithful?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

8. Spirituality is important in our relationship?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

The Scoring:

• To score, count the number of `A's" you have as answers. A perfect score is all 'A's.

• If you scored between six and eight A's - Dr. Hernandez says - your relationship is in pretty good shape.

• If you score between four and six, Dr. Hernandez says there may be something you might want to look at. And four and below? Dr. Hernandez says, definitely question your spouse.

The key to any successful relationship is communication, by now your test results should have you and your spouse talking.

Source: "Area Couples Take the Divorce Test," KCBD NewsChannel 11, Lubbock, TX and "Divorce Test," posted by Grant Griffiths at the Kansas Family & Divorce Lawyer blog.

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In a decision issued earlier this week, the South Carolina Supreme Court discussed the relationship between common law marriage and the probate process. In Thomas v. McGriff, the question was whether or not Floyd Thomas and Ella Mae McGriff were common-law spouses on the date of Ella Mae's death.

The Court held that the Family Court had subject-matter jurisdiction to determine whether Floyd was Ella Mae's common-law spouse on the date she died. Although the woman's probate estate was open, it was the existence of the marriage, not heirship, that was the issue before the Court.

The Court concluded:

• the Family Court has exclusive subject-matter jurisdiction to determine an action for a declaration that a common-law marriage exists or existed;
  
• the probate court has exclusive subject-matter jurisdiction to determine heirs, which might involve the issue of whether a common-law marriage existed; and
  
• whether the family court or probate court has jurisdiction over the issue of common-law marriage depends on the nature of the action in which the issue arises.

You can read this opinion by clicking here.

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The South Carolina Legislature is currently considering two bills which relate to the recognition of common law marriage. A Senate Judiciary Subcommittee heard testimony today on this matter, and after some discussion of whether the abolishment of common law marriage would reach people with a lower socioeconomic background, the subcommittee voted to send the Bills to the full Judiciary Committee with amendments.

While nothing has yet been finalized, the consensus of the subcommittee at this time is that the Bills should:

• Ban recognition of common law marriages after January 1, 2008;
  
• Create a window of opportunity from the date the Bill passes until December 31, 2007 wherein at the probate court's discretion parties in an existing common law marriage may convert their marriage without paying the marriage license application fee; and
  
• Allow that after January 1, 2008 the court may be able to make a finding of common law marriage, if the parties can prove that a common law marriage existed before the passing of the Bill by a preponderance of the evidence under the current common law standards.

I will continue to monitor this situation,and I will keep you posted as it continues to develop.

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Today, I present the final installment of The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. I would like to thank Trey for his excellent series and for allowing me to publish it here on my blog. Without any further adieu, here is part eight:

I would like to say that I have enjoyed writing this series of eight articles for The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage. This is the last in this series, and my hope and prayer has been that this series has had some value for you. If you have been blessed by this or it has helped in any way, would you take a moment and email me and let me know? It would be good to have feedback directly from you with any helpful suggestions as to other topics that you would like to see written about. You can email me at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

This running series of secrets to helping you and your spouse create and maintain a healthy marriage relationship has contained seven secrets so far. Those secrets have been:

1. Full Disclosure of Moneys -- No hidden accounts
   
2. Each Spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills
   
3. Words Empower -- Praise your spouse often in public and private
   
4. After the fight, review the match
   
5. Finding the Self in the We -- Spousal Space at its best or worst
   
6. Dating Never Ends
   
7. Share in the Spirit: Worship Together

The final secret in this series, the long awaited for secret number eight is this: Develop a shared vision for your relationship and review every 5 years.

Many persons get married with assumptions and lots of them! We assume that our spouse will save money like we do, that our spouse will have the same thoughts on child rearing like we do, that our spouse will have the same dreams, visions, and goals in the relationship as we do. However, most of you reading this article know well that this is not the case. For husband and wife to have these things in common, it takes talking about those ideas, it takes planning and perhaps an intentional framework in which to establish common goals or visions.

I think it is helpful to have a shared vision for your relationship. Perhaps your children are already grown, out of college and you both have been saving the money you had been paying for your children to go to college. Having been used to paying out $12,000 each year to XYZ University, you have found it easier to keep socking away that money for a new car in three years. What if you find after the three years of amassing nearly $40,000 that you decide not to spend it on the car but instead want to invest it. For three whole years it has been the goal of the new car and now at the last moment hubby changes his mind! Or perhaps you have been saving for retirement and one spouse decides they want to use some of that money to purchase an addition to the home.

Perhaps your issue is that you were hoping to travel more after retirement or that your life together was going to change for you. The wife wants to travel more, experience other countries and cultures. The husband just wants to stay around town, go to Hardees every Tuesday with the guys, and then go fishing and playing golf. You may feel frustrated that this wasn't what you signed up for in retirement!

So how do married couples figure out what the future will hold? No one, except God, can know what the future holds. We are, at best, to take each day at a time. Though we may plan for retirement with savings, investments, and end of life care earlier in our life, our life plans do change, visions and goals change, and circumstances in life change. What we thought ten years ago might not be applicable now.

So what to do? I say review the goals and visions for your marriage every five years. Every five years it would be helpful for couples to review their financial goals, their retirement goals, family goals, and what you are doing with your relationship. We take our cars in for tune-ups every 60,000 miles, we do maintenance on our home furnace system every couple of years, we replace our roof every twenty years, we take the time to have heart-to-heart talks with our friends every few years, so why do we ignore our marriage needs on a regular maintenance schedule?

What if you had to renew your marriage license every five years like the state requires for your drivers license every ten years? What if it was a requirement to re-evaluate the relationship, the goals of the marriage, the plans for the present and future?

Interesting thought. So why not make it s priority in your marriage to take the time and effort to re-evaluate where you are going with your marriage, what the plans are for the next five years, the goals of savings, the goals of your time and energy together and apart.

I would like to suggest to you that this could be one of the best kept secrets to having a healthy marriage. When a husband and wife sit down and assess their life together, it is an excellent way to honor one another, to remember what God has done with you over the past five years, to create an opportunity for husband and wife to re-connect their ideas or explore new ones. It is an excellent way to catch the vision again or create a new one. What happens after our last child leaves college or gets married? What is the purpose of our life together if we choose not to have children? Where will we be in five years with our relationship, our trust in one another, our desire to help others, our need to contribute back to the community in some way?

And this is where most couples start assuming. We assume that when it becomes a problem that we will address it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! But we don't have that mentality about anything else in our life. We maintain those things that we appreciate and need. So, maintain your marriage. Attend to the needs of each other and reassess those needs every couple of years. Have the guts to ask the tough questions. Take the risk to share your concerns with one another. Have bad habits developed or is life breaking you apart? Does the vision seem lost in the midst of what life, work, and family is doing to you now? Do you want to change some things in your marriage? Are there enough times for intimacy and being together? Is the relationship of the marriage satisfying to you both?

The every five years re-evaluation need not be a chore. Make it a special weekend get-a-way to a romantic or relaxing resort. Own it and let it be an important aspect of your relationship to consider where you have come and where you are going as a family/couple. Be courageous to make changes, to address patterns of behavior or patterns of communication, if needed. Communicate with one another your needs and wants.

Develop a shared vision for your relationship and review every five years. It is good for the marriage!

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne

(Please note: You can click the following link to read Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, or Part Seven in this series if you missed them.)

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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We continue with the next-to-last installment of The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

So far in this series we have looked at six secrets that have, hopefully, helped you create a healthier marriage relationship with your spouse. Those six secrets, to date, have been:

1. Full Disclosure of Moneys -- No hidden accounts
2. Each Spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills
3. Words Empower -- Praise your spouse often in public and private
4. After the fight, review the match
5. Finding the Self in the We -- Spousal Space at its best or worst
6. Dating Never Ends

Secret number seven: Share in the Spirit: Worship Together!

The seventh secret in this series concerns the spiritual aspect of your relationship. We readily recognize that a relationship, and especially a marriage relationship, consists of various parts needed to create a sense of wholeness and well-being. Those parts are (1) the physical aspects of the relationship, (2) the mental or psychological aspects of the relationship, and (3) the spiritual aspects of the relationship. These three parts make up what individuals need as well to create a sense of wholeness and well-being.

I get asked quite frequently whether it is fine for couples to have their differing religious practices and whether it is healthy to worship in different places separately. While the reasons are varied and perhaps valid, making worship and spirituality/ faith simply a individual private experience within the marriage defeats part of what God has provided for the two of you to experience together. Worship can be a very individually intimate experience. Times of devotion and prayer alone in a room can be special encounters with God and those are certainly healthy aspects of our relationship with God. But God has brought together the husband and the wife to be partners, complementing one another and creating a powerful sense of oneness. "The two shall become one," is a concept which can find manifestation as couples experience God together in worship, prayer, study, and Communion/Eucharist.

Say the husband is Catholic and the wife is Pentecostal. Who gives up their practices and traditions for the other? The husband is Non-denominational and the wife is Presbyterian. Which spouse compromises on their traditions for the other? It seems all too much as either/or.

I would like to propose a third option that may not have been previously considered. God's purpose for faith within the marriage relationship is not for one tradition to win out over the other, pitting each spouse's faith tradition against the other in conflict. Instead, I would like to propose that husbands and wives worship together on a regular basis and share in the practical application of their faith perspectives with one another regularly.

What does this mean? Far be it from me to say that the Pentecostal wife must leave her faith tradition to go to the Episcopal Church on Sunday mornings just to keep peace with her husband. But what if, at home, both spouses made it an active part of their shared faith to have set-aside times to worship, listen to music or sing a song together and do a devotion together, taking time to pray together and not just at the evening meal. What if, both spouses set aside time together to share in a spiritual thought or application to a problem/issue encountered within that week and discussed it together in a way that respected one another.

Secret number 7 is for spouses to share in the Spirit of God and worship together, to find common times, ways, and means to connect together in the presence of God. Doing so strengthens the bond that connects you to each other because it recognizes that the One who brought you together is an active part of your life.

It is not uncommon for married couples, who go to different churches because of their upbringing or backgrounds, to begin to find common ground as they worship, pray, sing, read, study, and talk to one another about their faith; common ground that creates a safe space to find a common church or place to worship together, taking what is experienced at home in private to a place with others who share in similar expressions.

It is a powerful experience when husbands and wives come together in unity to worship God, two becoming one in faith, in practice, in vision, and in experience. One's faith will always be between them and God but when it can be shared and experienced together it can also be a rewardingly rich encounter. It blesses God and it in turn blesses the other. It communicates value, importance, priority, and structure.

I know that there are many couples reading this that are not able to share their faith journeys with one another, for various reasons. You do not worship together, study together, pray together, or experience God together and it grieves your soul. You may be praying for it and searching God for it because you feel that is one aspect of you marriage that is needed.

This is one reason Pathways Pastoral Counseling exists, to help persons like you find the peace and mechanisms to bring about healthy positive change be it in the physical aspects of your marriage, the psychological/mental aspects of your marriage, or the spiritual aspects of your marriage. If you need help and wonder if someone can help in your situation simply call and ask. Pathways is here to serve you. Feel free to call the office at 864-542-3019 and set up an appointment. Help is just a phone call away.

Couples: Secret number seven really can do wonders to creating a healthier and potentially happier marriage. Worship together regularly and share in the Spirit. It is good for the marriage!

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne

(Please note: You can click the following link to read Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, or Part Six in this series if you missed them.)

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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I am pleased to give you the next installment in The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

Dating. You thought it finally ended when you got married. If you are like many, dating was so hard. Those unrealized expectations, paying for the date, the kiss at the door, going bowling, going to the movies, double-dating with friends, going to the beach.... ah the days of dating. Where did the time go?

Secret number six is this: Dating Never Ends. I know there are guys right now reading this cursing my name. Heck, that's the reason you got married was so you didn't have to be confined by the rules of dating. You could be intimate without feeling like you were doing something wrong. No more kissing behind the bleachers, no more running off on a romantic run without the parents knowing.

But those with healthy marriage relationships will say over and over how important dates are to the success of their relationship. Couples settle in their relationship after being married, even for a few years. The newness wears off. Expectations become the norm in the relationship. Marriage boredom begins to set in.

I would like to propose to you that dating is healthy for a married relationship. It is healthy because it keeps certain the marriage relationship surprisingly fresh and new. There are rules to dating and it is good for those rules to continue in the marriage. A quick review of the rules (for both the man and woman) of dating: holding hands (frequently), opening the door for your wife, creating an environment where your wife feels special, loved, and respected, dressing up to go out, communicating your feelings for the other, taking time to share about the significant aspects of your week with one another, sharing a romantic moment together. And let us not forget the most important rule of dating: where the two of you are share those spontaneous moments of connecting with the other that sends chills up the spine! Dating is all about new experiences, new feelings, and the building together of trust, respect, and a sense of honor.

But isn't marriage about getting beyond all that stuff? Aren't marriages supposed to be like what our grandparents had: sleeping in separate beds, no exchange of emotions, no holding hands, certainly no PDA (Public Display of Affection), two people living under the same roof just co-existing? That sounds more like a business deal than a marriage. Well, that isn't what I signed up for and I hope you didn't sign up for that either!

Spouses: go out on dates frequently. I suggest setting a scheduled time on a regular basis for date night. Make it a priority above your work schedule or even family schedule. Set it up only equal to your time with God, for isn't our time with God a model for our time with one another? Dating wasn't rocket science when we were younger. It need not be in our marriage either.

If you have been married for a long time and have lost the zeal of passion that brought you together with your spouse many years ago, consider the concept of dating once again. If you have been remarried or just married for a few years then dating may still be fresh for you. Stay with it. Incorporate it as a vital part of your relationship.

Husbands and Wives: Go out on a date with one another. It will do your marriage good. I guarantee it!

Grace and Peace, Trey Kuhne

(Please note: You can click the following link to read Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, or Part Five in this series if you missed them.)

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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My local newspaper, the Spartanburg Herald-Journal, published an interesting article today. "A Hindu Wedding Story" explains the relationship, rituals, and ceremonies involved in this couple's marriage. It gives an interesting glimpse into a culture that many of us have not seen. It is a quick read and well worth it.

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If you suspect your spouse is being unfaithful, you might want to read the following article, Is Your Spouse Cheating? by Kristen Houghton published at BellaOnline:

Did you know there is a web-site for those who have cheated on their spouses? I was surprised when the site was shown to me by an acquaintance. On this site people talk about their affairs and share their love, pain, and guilt; kind of an internet therapy for cheaters.

I checked out the site and was shocked at the attitudes of the "cheaters." Some said they still loved their spouse, some said it was their spouse's fault that they cheated, some felt that the cheating was "nothing bad" as long as their husband or wife didn't find out! Talk about ego-centric! Only a few were contrite that they had broken their marital vows.

Cheating is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage. If couples choose to stay together after an affair has been discovered and ended, the effects of the cheating can be devastating to the innocent party. Trust, the basis of a good marriage, has been irrevocably broken.

How do you know for sure that your spouse is cheating on you? Besides the tell-tale signs of unexplained late hours, money that mysteriously disappears, lack of marital sex, and recent criticisms aimed at you, (your body, your attitude, your intelligence), by your cheating husband or wife, some people are looking for positive proof. The use of the private investigator has returned and their services are on longer only for the rich and famous.You, too, can have a PI looking out for your interests.

The help and assurance a private investigator offers can be invaluable.Like a good lawyer who works hard for her client a private investigator will work to give you the information that you need either for a confrontation or for legal purposes.

Most marriages do not survive a spouse's infidelities. If they do, the marriage remains damaged. Nothing is the same, or will ever be the same again.

There is no reason for cheating. Some women, (and a few men also), feel that there was something lacking in their own selves. They have a chorus of the "enoughs" as in "I'm not good-looking enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not sexy enough, I'm not good enough, etc." They tend to blame themselves for what is not their fault.

If you suspect your spouse of cheating and the idea of it is ruining your daily life, causing you to miss work and become depressed, then do consider a private investigator. The cost outweighs the tension and anguish of not knowing.

As far as cheating spouses go, women are just as apt to cheat as men. There is no real difference in the sexes.

Why do some spouses cheat and others do not? What makes one person hold his or her marriage vows sacred, while another risks throwing everything away? Despite the "psycho-talk" of religious upbringing, values, or moral fortitude, no one really knows the answer. A person with no religious background is just as likely to stay faithful as a person who has had religious instruction and values all their lives. A man or woman who has been brought up with certain values and morals will cheat the same as a man or woman who had no definitive morality.

Cheating by its very definition is wrong. Knowing for sure that your spouse is or isn't cheating is a must for anyone who suspects infidelity. Take charge of your life.

Sacred Jude in My Life, Miracles Abound!!

Source: Is Your Spouse Cheating? by Kristen Houghton published at BellaOnline.

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Here is the fifth installment in The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

Secret number five: Finding the Self in the We -- Spousal Space at its Best or Worst.

You've seen them. Those married couples who seem glued to each other at the hip. One can't do anything without the other, all the time. Maybe you have seen the other couples who never seem to do anything but live under the same roof, almost as if they were two married strangers. Where is the balance? We all know that the healthy marriage finds a workable balance of the individual self in the midst of the partnership of covenant relationship.

But finding the Self in the We can be quite challenging. For some men, it takes a full fledge announcement of "spousal space" by going fishing on the pond or playing a sporting event with oneself or with others, notably without the spouse. How can a husband and wife communicate a sense of individual space in the midst of the we in the relationship without hurting the other or feeling rejected.

The whole topic of spousal space is hardly ever an issue for newly weds, who seem all too eager to share and experience everything together within their sense of marital bliss. But after the honeymoon period is over, the husband longs for those times of being to himself: the tinkering, playing, hobbies, projects, and interests that he brought into the relationship. Likewise, the wife may want to reconnect with her interests or take on new ones now that she is married. The shared home becomes the newest battleground that has to be fought over and over each day/week in order for each to reclaim a sense of the Self in the We of the marriage.

Certainly communication is at the heart of the matter in sharing with each other the needs for spousal space. What I want to propose in this article is that there is a Self in the We and that it is vital that the Self be explored and nurtured in the marriage relationship. Husbands and wives need to connect with their individual selves and nurture that part of the relationship with their individual self. If not, the marriage will suffer. Emotional enmeshment and codependence can occur to the detriment of the marriage and family.

For families with children, the children need to see both mom and dad in their individual states, satisfying their individual interests and hobbies. It teaches the children that mom and dad are two individuals that choose to come together as a team in leadership, authority, discipline, and function but also to separate into two individuals that have differing interests. Boys get to see the male and female qualities they need to learn; girls get to see male and female qualities they need to learn. Esteem and a healthy sense of self are strengthened to the betterment of the marriage, to the fruit of the partnership.

Nurturing the Self in the marriage helps to sustain a healthy sense of self. When the husband has time to read a book or explore a project he is able to add to those qualities that make up who he is. When the wife has time to spend with her friends or to take a trip by herself she is nurturing those qualities that make up who she is. Too many times these are not communicated and spouses assume their own needs. Misunderstanding takes place when spouses have to fight over mental spousal space. Those are the times of disconnection, disharmony in the marriage, and general feelings of low self esteem.

Work on finding your sense of Self within the We of the marriage relationship - spousal space at its best!

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne

(Please note: You can click the following link to read Part One, Part Two, Part Three, or Part Four in this series if you missed them.)

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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We continue with part four of The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

Let us do a quick review of the current secrets to having a healthier and perhaps happier marriage. The first secret revealed the intention to fully disclose any moneys by both spouses for equal empowerment. The second secret revealed the need to be good communicators for the purpose of establishing healthy communication lines between husband and wife. The third secret revealed the need for spouses to speak well of one another in both public and private spaces therefore strengthening and affirming the relationship, as well as providing healthier means to address any problems in the relationship.

And now to secret number four: After the fight, review the match. Spousal arguments and verbal fights are a part of the marriage relationship. After all, marriage is the union between man and woman bringing together varying experiences, perspectives, learnings, and ideas that, at times, can be as variant as night is from day. It is not uncommon for men and women to have those explosive times of disagreement, hurt, and varying opinions. The real question is whether in such heated debates or disagreement the couple knows how to fight/argue and reflect appropriately after the fight.

Let me first say that in just about any spousal heated disagreement usually there is no intentional attention to fairness. If you are fighting, it is one for all and all for one! So to try to set up some sort of fair fighting ritual for spouses is, for the most part, unrealistic. You wouldn't be fighting if it was to be fair! But what you can do is to reflect after the fight in such a way that honors and respects the other spouse. Just maybe the husband and wife can learn about the other to minimize future encounters of such. Consider the value of what spouses can do after the fight that brings opportunities for reconciliation and peace back into the relationship.

After the fight and after the heated moment has passed, make an intentional act to sit down with your spouse and review the argument/fight. Take the emotion out of it for a moment and agree with your spouse to review the aspects of the fight. It is at this point that REAL learning can take place. Make it an intentional action to honor each other and respect each other during this time. Recognize the fact that the fight is over so that there no longer needs to be a winner or a loser mentality. Then position yourselves as equals again during the review. Remember the goal is to honor and respect the other during the review. What was being said? Why was it important for either person at the time? How did each feel during the fight? Did one spouse feel utterly rejected and emotionally punished? Did the words shared further support already existing feelings of low sense of self? Listen and consider, of equal value, the words of your spouse. When one spouse is sharing, don't interrupt them. Let each share and complete their thought. The goal here is to reconnect with your spouse and reflect upon what just took place.

So what does doing this secret really accomplish? For one it supports the notion of creating a healthy and happy marriage. It supports the previous secrets in respecting the other spouse. Doing this secret accomplishes the true meaning of your covenantal relationship with your spouse.

Reviewing the match after the fight also communicates to the other spouse that words hurt, that things are said in the heated moment that neither of you may have meant, that it may not have been worth taking the effort to fight over something as small or large as the issue was. Perhaps the issue of the fight was significant and it is time to tackle it for change rather than continue to avoid it or sweep it "under the table." Whatever the circumstances or reasons, reviewing the fight offers opportunity for both spouses to consider it from a less or non-emotional position. It is then, and only then, that real change can take place.

Positive change almost never takes place within a fight or argument. Because of the nature of the fight and the stressors/tactics at work, positive change doesn't have a good foundation in which to be planted. Words of rejection, words of anger, words of opinion or experience are lobbed at the other in negativity, in hurt, in pain, and in tactic. The only thing that can come of it, typically, is more hurt and pain.

After couples review a few matches and are willing to learn from them, couples will notice an almost immediate change to the buttons that cause the arguments. Spousal fights and arguments most notably are caused by fear, insecurity, and hurt within the relationship. After the fight, review the match can be an effective way to learn about those insecurities and fears and perhaps work towards healing them. Spousal fights, over time, will decrease significantly. Harmony and peace are much easily restored in the relationship.

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne

(Please note: You can click the following link to read Part One, Part Two, or Part Three in this series if you missed it.)

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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Today, the third installment of The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

So far we have amassed two great secrets to helping married couples function with more honesty and empowerment. In review, secret number one was: No hidden accounts -- full disclosure of moneys. Secret number two was: Each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills. Each of these secrets is intended to add to what both spouses are already doing well creating a healthier, and possibly happier, marriage.

Secret number three: Words empower -- praise your spouse often in public and private.

It is rather easy at the start of a marriage, or even after years of marriage, for many couples to begin to gnaw on the other. Those little things that each does that totally irritates the other - small comments of complaint or disgust to the other spouse for the way they look, what they do, how they are, what is said, etc. Over time these small forms of rejection build up to form an emotional wall that forms between you and your spouse. Even if such small comments are unintentional or even part of your relationship, those comments do emotional damage when it need not.

Words can do allot of damage and equally words can bring inner healing and health. We all long for our parents to praise us for succeeding in life, for choosing a good partner, for having beautiful children, or for carrying on the family values. Equally, spouses long to hear those powerful words of affirmation from the other. Spousal comments can have the weight of parental comments.

More than just words of affirmation, praising the other spouse when you are out in public draws attention to the spouse's strengths and abilities. It is a way of recognizing the VALUE you place in your spouse. It is more than just bragging on them, it is attaching the high value to them by recognizing their importance to you.

I know many of you reading this know well enough the complaints both husbands and wives have shared about the other in public places. I don't need to share here the kinds of things you all have said about your spouse. We have all done it. But the bad part is how damaging it is to the other spouse, much like being slandered in public. Every time you share with another person a deficiency or problem in your spouse, you are slandering an aspect of your marriage, your covenant with them. You are actually lowering their value to you and after a while the sum of all they are can get quite low. If your marriage was a value stock on the emotional stock market, would it gain in value over time or lose in value over time?

Husbands: note the patterns in your life with your guy buddies as to how you speak of your wife to them. Do you praise your wife in front of them, noting the things she does well and the appreciation you have for her. If you begin to do this, your friends will begin to be envious of you and your relationship. They will wish to be like you. What a strong witness that can be for both your marriage and your faith.

Wives: note the patterns in your life with your girl friends as to how you speak of your husband to them. Do you praise your husband in front of your girlfriends, do you tell them about the things he does well and your appreciation for him? If you start doing this, they will wish they had as great a husband. What a powerful witness it is for a wife to praise her husband in public.

I certainly do not think that you have to lie and make up something about the other spouse. This isn't about ego or trying to psych them into doing something right. It is about acknowledging the strengths and abilities of the other. It is about attaching a high value that is rightfully present.

It is important to praise your spouse in public, where others can attest and lay witness to your statements, but it is equally important to speak praise to your spouse within their listening range. Spouses, take moments to tell the other what you appreciate in them. Speaking words of praise to your spouse in private gives feedback directly to them, helping to strengthen their emotional foundations in the relationship. Tell your spouse what they are doing well and how that makes you feel. Share with them that you feel stronger in your faith because of their support for you. Tell them that the words of beauty and the words of love are meaningful and helpful.

Words are powerful elements within our culture and life. As you find yourself praising your spouse for their strengths and abilities, you will find yourself thinking more about them in your day. And the small things that irritate, even the mistakes that are made, seem more manageable. Such communication with your spouse creates a healthier environment by which to address the things that may be getting in the way of the relationship.

Words are indeed powerful! Put that power into action by praising your spouse in public and private. Start today!

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne

(Please note: You can click the following link to read Part One or Part Two in this series if you missed it.)

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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I am pleased to give you part two of The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT:

As you may remember, secret number one was: Full Disclosure of Moneys, No Hidden Accounts. We continue with secret number two: Each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills.

Those who served in the military know what a cryptographer does: a person trained in breaking codes, the secret communication patterns intended to hide what is really being said. Husbands and wives really do speak different languages. It can be difficult to interpret what the other intends to say at times. Either the husband has to magically interpret the hidden codes in his wife's conversations or he has to develop competent communication skills. Those spouses that have healthy marriages have worked hard to develop competent communication skills to understand the other.

Prime example: husband comes home from a hard stressful day of work and wants to watch TV and unwind. Wife enters the room and wants to connect with her husband about his day. What ends up happening is a confrontation that never should have happened. The two spouses collide together in misunderstanding and end up experiencing rejection from the other. All because each doesn't know the other's language.

Good communication is not just a marriage related issue. Quoting from the April 2005 issue of LabMedicine Journal, volume 36, number 4, on page 205, "Business consultants and counselors vouch that communication is the number one problem in the workplace and in interpersonal relationships. Misunderstood communication is one of the largest problems facing organizations today. While communication problems might not be eliminated, they can be certainly reduced, and often avoided."

How do spouses develop competent communication skills? Husbands and wives need to take time to ask each other what they mean and clarify, clarify, clarify! Husbands: clarify what you mean when you say you just want to sit and watch TV after work. Tell you wife that it DOESN'T mean you are avoiding her all evening long. Tell her that you will do it for a certain amount of time and then will be available to talk with her afterwards. Tell her how important that time is for you. Husbands: Do not think that all your wishes and wants will somehow be transferred to your wife by osmosis. She doesn't know but what you tell her. She can't be expected to read between all the lines and figure out the secret man language you are using. And when you are desiring intimacy with your wife, sometimes she can miss it. If left to her own devices, she will misunderstand something you did not adequately communicate! So what do you do? Clarify, explain, communicate.

Wives, as well, speak a totally different language than husbands. They speak with emotion, with connection, with a desire that their husbands will take an interest in them and in their day. Wives speak with depth, even when they seem shallow to their husbands. But wives, you too will have to clarify what you mean when you come home and want to spend time with your husband. He doesn't understand the emotional connections, the need to be needed, the need for spoken words of affirmation, the need to be told "I love you" and to be cuddled at night before bed. Many times you speak in a foreign language. And when you are desiring romance, he can totally miss it. Wives: Do not think that your wishes and wants will be magically transferred to your husband by osmosis. He needs for you to clarify, explain, communicate.

To put it another way, if we don't communicate, then we will be distant, confused, and lost. Eventually, the relationship grows apart and dissolves; without communication, without connection, we die. Newborn infants have to be held after birth to develop normally. Child friendships develop because two persons find common areas of connection and interest. We are not made to be alone for our life. Husbands and wives are brought together to be complementary and connectional.

Marriage demands excellence of the husband and the wife. The old adage of "we've been married for 40 years and we haven't had a communication problem since I told her who was the boss" doesn't hold water anymore. Our parents and grandparents may have been able to scuff off not having had good communication skills and made us believe as if it was just fine and dandy to operate in misunderstanding and disconnection. 2005 is different. Husbands and wives operate in equality in the 21st century. Gone are the days of male domination and "women are to keep silent."

Though it may not be rocket science, it can seem like it when poor communication habits have developed in family systems and have not been changed. Imagine that you got married or have been married many years only to find out that your spouse just never seems to understand you. If you feel as if you have tried all else and failed, know that Pathways Pastoral Counseling stands ready to be of help to you and your marriage. Whether you have been married a short time or a long time, it can be a valuable process to reevaluate the communication patterns in the family system.

Good communication empowers both spouses in love and harmony. Good communication keeps you connected to the other in understanding and clarity. And when problems arise and misunderstandings creep through the relationship, having established a pattern of understanding helps to ward off unnecessary arguments and family problems.

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne

(Please note: You can click the following link to read Part One in this series if you missed it.)

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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I am proud to present the first in an excellent series of articles, The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. I will publish this eight part series over the next several weeks, and I hope that you find it helpful. I truly appreciate Trey's generosity in allowing me to publish this series on my blog. Here is Part One:

Probably the most frequently asked question I get in counseling from married couples and those preparing for marriage is this: Where do we get that little book that tells us how to do everything right the first time, how to stay in love, and cultivate a healthy and happy relationship? And to the surprise of all, it just doesn't exist. I am not talking about the Bible, which is our Source of life and faith, or some little publication by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family. What I am talking about is that small hypothetical little blue (instead of black) book the preacher was supposed to secretly hand over to the husband right before he says the "I do." Or perhaps, the husband's father was supposed to pass it down from when his father gave it to him. I will assume that everyone knows what I am talking about here.

Well, that book doesn't exist, that I know of, and most every couple in counseling has told me that if I would write such a book that it would be a best-seller. It doesn't need to be a thick book. It just has to contain that vital information in it that keeps the marriage relationship healthy and keeps both men and women from making those costly mistakes that unnecessarily damage the marriage. So I thought I would give it a try and create such a small book in hopes that it aides those who consider marriage to be the pinnacle of family existence. My working title for this series will be: The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage.

Here is the first secret to a healthy marriage:

Secret number 1: Full Disclosure of Moneys - No Hidden Accounts

Money may appear to be the root of all evil but it is really the love of money that reveals the root of all evil. That being said, money seems to cause so much trouble in households and puts undue pressure on marriages when it need not. But all too often husbands and wives keep hidden things from one another in the form of hidden monetary accounts and various means of not fully disclosing their moneys.

Spouses need to be fully and completely open with one another about any and ALL money that each has: pension accounts, insurance, savings, 401(k), retirement, checking, rainy-day money (mad money), anything and everything. Doing so helps to prevent loss of moneys in the event of an illness or early death. But the most important reason of this first secret is so that both spouses can be equally empowered in the relationship. Money is power, so to speak but it is the spousal relationship that is to be empowered not the money.

This is not to say that couples can't have multiple accounts or set up their banking in any fashion that works well for them. Just don't keep any monetary secrets from one another. When one spouse eventually finds out (and they will!) it is a much like the feeling when an affair has taken place; it is an act of mistrust. It is a violation. As all spouses know well, violations and mistrust are not good for the relationship!

Husbands: if you have any moneys hidden away in private accounts, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

Wives: if you have any hidden accounts to keep your husbands out of the loop, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

Bringing out the hidden things empowers each other and creates an environment in the family of equality and the sharing of power. This is vital to keeping the love and intimacy healthy in the marriage relationship.

In my next article, I will share secret number 2! If there are any of you who may have secrets that you want to pass on to me and don't mind me sharing those with the public, please feel free to share them with me, preferably written via email.

Grace and Peace, Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne LMFT

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher's Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

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Most people probably knew that an unhappy marriage could have a negative effect on your mental health. However, a recent study suggest that such marriages can have a lasting effect on your physical health as well. Unhappy Marriage: Bad for Your Health by Jennifer Warner cites a study recently published in the Archives of General Psychiatry. This study suggests that constant marital conflict can decrease the release of a certain protein, which can lead to a variety of diseases, such as heart disease, cancer, arthritis, diabetes, depression, and even delays in wound healing.

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You have made the decision to contact a marriage counselor. The next question is "How to choose the right marriage counselor?" The success of your counseling experience will relate directly to your compatibility with your counselor.

Before you call a Marriage Counselor

Ask yourself why you are consulting a marriage counselor. Define your issues as best as you can in order to communicate them to your prospective therapist. Outline what you would like to gain from counseling. Is it important to you that a marriage counselor be familiar with the issues at hand? Do you prefer a marriage counselor that is married? Is it important that your marriage counselor has raised children? Do you have a preference as to a female or male marriage counselor? How far are you willing to commute to a marriage counselor's office? What hours are you available to commit to counseling sessions?

Fees

Decide what you can afford to pay a marriage counselor. There a several questions you may want to ask a marriage counselor with regards to fees, such as:

• How much does the therapist charge per session?

• Does the therapist charge according to income (sliding scale)?

• Is there a policy concerning vacations and missed or canceled sessions? Is there a charge?

• Will your health insurance cover you if you see this therapist?

• Will the therapist want you to pay after each session, or will you be billed periodically?

Questions to Ask a Family & Marriage Counselor

Other questions to keep in mind while searching for a marriage counselor you are comfortable with include:

• How many times a week will the therapist want to see you?

• How long is a typical session?

• How long does the therapist expect treatment to last?

• What are some of the treatment approaches likely to be used?

• Does the therapist accept phone calls at the office or at home?

• When your therapist is out of town or otherwise unavailable, is there someone else you can call if an emergency arises?

• Are there any limitations on confidentiality?

Credentials

Marriage counselors' academic degrees are different. The type of credentials may be of importance to you throughout your search for the right marriage counselor.

• M.S.W.: Master of Social Work

  Social Workers apply social work theory, knowledge, methods and ethics to restore or enhance the functioning (social, psychosocial) of individuals, couples, families, and groups, as well as organizations and communities.

• M.F.C.C.: Marriage, Family and Child Counselor

  An MFCC therapist has earned a Master of Science degree in counseling with a specialization in marriage, family and child issues. MFCC's are trained to understand problems from both individual and family systems perspectives; develop intervention skills; incorporate cultural, age-specific, and gender-respectful understanding in theory and practice; and handle clinical, ethical, legal and general professional aspects of their practice.

• M.F.T.: Marriage and Family Therapist

  A marriage and family therapist has earned a master's degree in social work with a particular emphasis on relationships. This professional is interested in who each person is within the context of their family, both past and present. Marriage and family therapy applies therapeutic techniques and focuses on issues of human development, communication skills, and interpersonal relationships.

• L.C.S.W.: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

  The LCSW is a state licensure designation for practitioners with a master's or doctoral degree in social work. Clinical Social Work, a practice specialty of Social Work, utilizes social work theory, knowledge, methods, and ethics to restore or enhance the functioning of individuals, couples, families, and groups, as well as organizations and communities.

Call Around

Once your search has been narrowed to a handful of marriage counselors, pick up the phone. Most therapists will have a brief phone consultation with you and answer most questions you might have. The phone consultation is a great way to determine if you and the prospective marriage counselor might work well together.

Source for Post: "How to Choose a Marriage Counselor" by Shelly Phegley at 1st for Marriage Blog and Counsel-Search.com, The National Directory of Marriage Counseling. Thanks to Grant D. Griffiths of the Kansas Family and Divorce Lawyer for his post about this article.

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The investigators at Carolina Investigations, Inc. compiled the following list of the "Top Ten Signs of a Cheating Spouse" based on their years of experience:

1. Change in Physical Appearance?

   
   Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer, losing weight etc.
   
   Unusual spending habits
   
   Buying new underwear or lingerie

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   Tags: Divorce, Marriage
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My friend and fellow blogger Michael Sherman recently posted about an article he found in Christianity Today called What I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Divorced. In his post, Michael said he wished that more of his clients and/or their spouses knew this information before they decide to end their marriages, and I echo his sentiment.

This article, written by Georgia Shaffer, a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, advises those contemplating divorce to consider:

• Life will change more than you realize.
• Your life won't be more carefree.
• You trade one set of problems for another.
• Feelings can be deceiving.

Thanks to Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog for this tip.

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When couples begin their relationship together in a state that does not recognize common law marriage, it does not automatically transform into a common law marriage when they move to a state that does recognize it. The South Carolina Supreme Court held in Callen v. Callen (2005 S.C. Lexis 265) that an impediment to marriage must be removed in a common law marriage, just as in a "regular" marriage, and afterward, there must be a new mutual agreement either by way of a civil ceremony or a new agreement to enter into a common law marriage. The full text of this opinion may be read here.

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