Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Stevens-MacPhail Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

Question: My husband and I are divorcing. The prospect frightens me on many levels. What advice do you have for dealing with the financial issues and consequences?

Answer: When you throw money conflicts in with other marital differences over religion, child rearing, dealing with family, sex and whether to recap the toothpaste tube, reaching an agreement to divorce and divide things financially can cause real fireworks.

Money is intimately connected with divorce. During a divorce, couples often argue over how to divide the assets. After the divorce, divorcees find themselves needing to adjust to a lower household income and reconfiguring their financial plans.

Hard as it may be, one of the keys to having a "financially successful" divorce is not to let your financial issues take a back seat to legal and emotional issues. While both your emotional life and financial life are important, it is vital to keep them separate. If you let your emotions interfere with the financial issues of divorcing, legal bills and frazzled nerves will accumulate.

By separating your emotional lives from your financial lives, a divorcing couple may very well be able to settle out of court. Few people are ever happy with what judges decide; negotiated settlements are usually more palatable. But if you refuse to lay down your swords, such a settlement is not possible.

In addition to keeping your emotions at bay, educate yourself financially. Take a personal-finance course and read some good books. You also might seek financial advice — but be careful. Attorneys generally lack the training and perspective to look at your whole financial picture. Most financial advisers sell products, have other conflicts of interest and have little experience dealing with divorce issues.

Consulting with a tax adviser is worthwhile in some cases, as taxes weigh heavily in some divorce situations. For example, if you have the choice between paying more in alimony or child support, it's useful to know that the former is tax-deductible while the latter is not.

One of the most important exercises for spouses is to analyze their individual spending. Lower-income-earning spouses, who are typically women, face the biggest reduction in their standard of living post-divorce. A budget will help during the divorce to justify requests for alimony or child support, as well as with adjusting to a new financial life after divorce.

Planning for your post-divorce financial life is important. Most divorcees are faced with lower incomes and higher costs of living. The main reason: Living together as a family is usually cheaper per person than maintaining separate households.

Other financial issues must be rethought as well. You might need different insurance coverages and a new investment strategy.

If you're not committed to divorcing, perhaps all this talk of lawyers and becoming a financial and tax expert is daunting. If there's a way to work things out, especially when children are involved, work at making your marriage continue. Consider seeking help from a marriage counselor/psychologist if you can't talk things out yourselves and picking up some good books on the subject.

Source:  "Separate Emotions, Assets When Facing Divorce" published in the Houston Chronicle.  Thanks to the California Divorce and Family Law blog for its post on this subject.

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This is the last half of the final installment of the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series has been a great examination of the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  I truly appreciate Dr. Kuhne for generously allowing me to publish his series on my blog.  Here is Part Five(b):

In the last installment, I introduced the idea that having unclear boundaries in relationships can cause deep hurt and suffering when our emotional, physical, and/or spiritual space is not respected appropriately. The most caring persons can enter into our “space” without our permission and do so much harm even without being fully aware that they are causing this harm.

A common issue I hear from counseling is where the parents or in-laws will intrude upon a couple’s space in the home. Perhaps it is to help take care of the children; perhaps it is to help clean the home; perhaps it is to assist in some way. Even in loving care, when one’s personal, emotional, or spiritual space is entered into without permission/invitation of the other(s) then suffering and hurt can take place -- deep, deep hurt.

This may be a difficult topic to fully understand. This is not to implicate the parents or in-laws out there.  This is just the common issue I hear. It could be grandparents, friends, family, even strangers. Boundaries are important because they help to define the who, the what, and the how of ourselves and assist in the ways we relate to others. For the most part, boundaries are transparent and we don’t see the markers of others because of what we have established in the relationship.

But what if you have a relationship with another where the boundaries are not clearly defined and you feel that someone is using you, taking control of you in some way, and you are suffering because of it? What can you do? For some, the application of “the rule of time” (time will heal all wounds) is the first choice. I don’t think that is a very healthy option to choose.

The very best way to deal with unclear boundaries in relationships is to deal directly with the person(s) you are relating to. Usually the offending person does not mean to hurt and is doing so without full awareness. Taking the time and effort to talk with them usually relieves this fear and helps establish a better and healthier relationship. But what about the parents who come over to the house unexpectantly and then take complete charge of everything? First rule of thumb: reassess where the authority lies. The husband and the wife are the authorities in their own home, not the parents, the parents- in- law or the grand parents.  

Same rule applies to all relationships. Reassess where the authority lies. It is from this personal authority within us (being human being, being a child of God, being a person) that we can speak and clearly communicate to others what our needs are in the relationship. If someone is crossing our boundaries without our permission, then we can speak from that authority and tell them what we are experiencing. Bottom line: each of us has the authority to set forth parameters of the relationship.

Healthy relationships exist in good and close communication. Whether husbands, wives, parents, in-laws, or good friends, no relationship maintains good health without good communication. It is the fear of conflict which leads to unhealthy relationships, not truth, honesty, and clearly defined boundaries.

Reassess where the authority lies in relationships! Take the time and effort to tell those who are hurting you that you are being hurt. Chances are they will honor the opportunity to make it right and continue to be an active part of your life!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is the first half of the final installment of the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series has examined the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  I want to again thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to publish this series on my blog.  Here is Part Five(a):

In this article series, I have introduced four key barriers to the experience of spiritual, physical, and emotional joy in our lives. Those four barriers are: Lack of recreation, anger, spiritual insecurity, and feelings of loneliness and/or not being loved. Each one of these is a barrier to joy because each can manifest a form of pathology in our lives: fear, anxiety, depression, frustration, and other health related concerns. Each is a barrier because each attempts to disconnect us from one another and God.

In these final two installments of this series, I would like to introduce an additional barrier to the experience of joy and that is when there are not clearly defined boundaries in relationships. “The language of personal boundaries mirrors that of property rights. The word boundary is used to define a parcel of land that can be bought, sold, insured, or taxed. Likewise, when we used to describe emotional ‘space,’ it most commonly defines the self, which has unique rights that others should respect. Abuse counselor Pia Mellody, in her book Facing Codependence (Harper, San Francisco, 2003) refers to boundaries as ‘symbolic force fields’ that allow one to have a sense of self.” (Moffit, Yoga Journal, May/June 2005).

I like the idea of symbolic force fields, not to keep everyone out but to define ourselves and have a clear sense of ownership of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Though our souls are not our own in Christ, we have been taught by scripture to be good stewards of ourselves.  That stewardship hints to having a healthy balance physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Boundaries can be emotional, physical, and spiritual. Healthy emotional boundaries are found in those who are balanced in their life and can feel in control of what they sense, feel, believe, and express to others. They know how to respect others appropriately and how not to feel unduly threatened in encounters. Weak emotional boundaries are found when we feel that others have access to our “space” without our permission or against our will, however it is perceived by the self. Unfortunately, there is not enough time or space in this article series to go in any depth about this subject. Suffice it to say, there is much more written about this that warrants further study.

Unclear boundaries in relationships can cause deep hurt and suffering when our emotional, physical, and/or spiritual space is not respected appropriately. Boundary issues typically come in two forms: trespassing and enmeshed. Trespassing is easily recognized, but enmeshed is not. Enmeshment is the inappropriate merging of identities. From over-controlling parents of adult children, to your spouse telling you what to think or believe, your stepmother correcting the way you speak to your children – in front of the kids, your best friend tells you whom you should date, or your boss calls you at home to ask you to do the task he has neglected. In each essence, if you cannot maintain your boundary, you acquiesce and are pulled into someone else’s drama. Who wants to have to be responsible for some else’s drama? Who wants to be in some else’s drama? Not me!

In next week's final installment, I will further discuss some things that one can do to more clearly define oneself and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. We have been created to be in relationship but it takes intentional work to make it work well. See you then!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is part four of the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series takes a closer look at the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  Here is Part Four:

To date, I have introduced three key barriers to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically. One was the lack of recreation in one’s life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit). The second barrier is anger, that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives. The third barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is when we feel as if our identity in Christ has been lost or is no longer secure, when we forget whose we are. We can find that trust and security Christ and in our marriages.

A fourth barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is loneliness or the mentally intrusive thoughts that one is not needed or loved. Most everyone has experienced the feelings of loneliness at different places in their lives, that sense of emptiness that somehow seems so deep nothing could fill it. Whether experienced in the death of family or friends, loss of job, marital divorce, or personal problems, loneliness enters in to take control over the mind and heart. With loneliness come its partners in crime: depression, fear, anger, resentment, frustration, the “I am the victim” syndrome, as well as a host of other problems.

The main problem with this 4th barrier is that, in spiritual and psychological reality, it is an untruth. We are neither alone nor not loved. There are numerous scriptures that each speak to God’s continual Presence in our lives and His oversight and leading. Though we may experience times in our lives where God doesn’t seem to intervene enough to protect us or keep us from our own consequences, all of scripture support God’s Promises of continual relationship with us as believers in Christ. Even for those who have no living family members, God has placed caring and loving people in your path. We each have persons involved in our lives who reach out to us in love and care.

The sense or feeling of loneliness can be overpowering and even debilitating to the Christian believer. It is here that the fellowship of believers can be its most valuable. The assembled congregation is not just for weekly worship. The assembled congregation is for relationship with God and with one another. That was the model of the early home churches and that similar concept is seen in the ministry of small groups today. There are organized small groups in our church where these relationships can be formed.

It is sometimes difficult to find those who are lonely and connect with them. They hide really well because they are us. But they are indeed in our midst, persons of great faith and great hope who struggle with those inward feelings that they are no longer needed, wanted, nor loved. Friends, believe the Good News of the Gospel: You are loved, cared for, and you are not alone. God is there and so are His servants, ready to love and be loved.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is the midway point in the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series examines the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  Thanks again to Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to publish this series on my blog.  Here is Part Three:

To date, I have introduced two key barriers to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically. One was the lack of recreation in one’s life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit). The other barrier is anger, that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives.

A third barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is when we feel as if our identity in Christ has been lost or is no longer secure, when we forget whose we are.  If you read in Job, you will read about Job’s wife who encourages him to “curse God and die.” That is indeed the message of the world. When we do not get our way and cannot figure a way out, ditch it all and give up and die. If Job’s wife had been in relationship with God like Job was, she would have known that was not true. Job does get angry with God but he does not die, he lives. God is not about death but about life, not about killing us but about raising us to new life in Him.

There are times in our marriages and personal relationships where we may feel distant or no longer appreciated and cared for. We may lose our sense of security and faith in those we love. It is tests, like these, of the relationship to stand up for your needs and communicate those to your spouse or friend. Without communication and leaps of faith to trust the relationship (and its security), we move into fear, distance, depression, loneliness, depravity and get lost. God wants us to be found. That is why He so quickly is ready to leave the 99 sheep and go in search for the one lost to bring him/her back to the flock.

God’s love for you can build up a security that you can have, not in your own feelings or emotions, but in the facts of the works of Jesus Christ for your personal salvation. You can once again experience Joy in your life with that assurance and security that nothing in this world, the past, the present, or the future world can change that security. Spouses can know that same security within the covenant of their marriage, friends can also share a similar security as they stay connected and invested into one another.

Friends, you can know that know that you know and rest in the peace of that knowledge and faith with God and with one another. And you can know the experience of joy spiritually, physically, and psychologically in your life today.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is the second of a five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  This series takes a look at the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  Here is Part Two:

Last week, I introduced that one key barrier to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically was the lack of recreation ion one’s life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit).

This week, we will address another key barrier to joy which is anger. Anger is that emotion that we feel when we have been hurt in some way. When physically attacked our bodies naturally go into defense mode and anger can be a part of that to ward off an attack. But the anger that I am referring to here is that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives.

One of the ways that anger gets fed is through repeated experiences of inward rejection, being emotionally used by another person, feeling like a scapegoat, taken advantage of in some way, all which speak to our losing of the ability to have a voice in our circumstance.

Depression easily forms when we draw inward to escape from the hurts we experience. No longer feeling as if what we say counts, no longer feeling as if we matter, anger forms within the mind as a defense mechanism to ward off the impending hurt.

Anger can be so powerful inwardly that it can interfere with the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control all can be affected because of seething anger that eats away at our sense of self and well-being.

One of the key remedies to anger is love and forgiveness. Reflecting on the Father’s love for us in Jesus Christ can minister to the deep hurt inside. Speaking to a counselor or minister about the deep hurts inside can help sort out the various feelings and help find the remedy of forgiveness for self and others.

If you find yourself eaten inside by unresolved feelings of anger perhaps reflecting on the Father’s love and the forgiveness we can experience from the Father and the Son can help heal and transform our anger to love and forgiveness. Let God help bring you back into the experience of His joy and the joy of life!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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I am pleased to bring you the exclusive online presentation of "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I will publish this five part series over the next several Wednesdays, and I hope that it is helpful to you.  Of course, I want to thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to present this series to you on my blog.  Here is Part One:

During this new series called Barriers to Joy, I will be addressing various topics of interest that interfere with the active, intentional experience in, of, and by joy in our life, be that spiritual, mental, or physical joy.

The first barrier that I want to share is the lack of recreation in one’s life. Some many interpret recreation to be fun activities and vacations, but the term recreation literally is “re- creation” or to create again.  Without recreation in our lives, we dry up. When we fail to recognize the need to be re-created and energized in our mind, body, and spirit, we reject the renewal of the Lord in our lives.

Look at creation and the seasons of the year for us in South Carolina. We experience the spring blossoming, the heat, the falling leaves and dying of trees and plants, the cold of winter all of which create all the necessary elements to bring forth the blossoming spring once again. Creation is renewed every year.

We need physical activity to energize our bodies. We need mental activities to calm the busyness of the mind and we need spiritual exercises that call us to the peace, love, faith, and joy that only God can provide.

Can you hear yourself as you read this article? You are saying, “I sure wish I could take some time off and do some recreation. That would be really nice, but I have to work to feed the kinds, to pay the bills, to keep going. I would love to re-create but…..”

I would like to propose that lack of scheduled and managed recreation in one’s life is a direct product of lack of joy in one’s life. Some are fortunate to have their employment emulate fun and joy, but even those fortunate need to leave their place of work and be re-created.

This first barrier is a challenge to the reader to re-evaluate themselves. Are you recreating in your life? Are you tending to yourself well? Are you being a good steward of your mind, body, and spirit by participating in renewal and recreational opportunities?

Make a new resolution now. Enjoy some time off for yourself. I promise there will be joyful benefits that will come. Eliminate this first barrier from your life and you will be the better for it for the long term!

In His grace and peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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I have written several posts on this blog about Parental Alienation Syndrome, such as here, here, and here.  To get another lawyer's take on this subject, I present the following article published by Dan Nunley at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog a few months ago:

Statistics show that approximately one in two marriages end in divorce and about ten percent of those divorces involve child custody battles.  During these emotionally charged proceedings, some children exhibit emotional detachment from one or both parents.  The cause of this emotional detachment is unknown and the issues involved are complex.

One suggested theory, developed by the late Richard A. Gardner, M.D., has come to be known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS).  PAS typically portrays one parent as an evil alienator who through consistent brainwashing is responsible for turning an impressionable and vulnerable child against the innocent, enstranged parent.   As a result of this brainwashing, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the enstranged parent.

PAS is becoming an issue in more and more custody cases.  However, the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to its statement on PAS.

The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children.

Read more about PAS in this recent article from Lawyers Weekly USA.

Source:  "Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Dan Nunley, published at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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This post will follow up yesterday's post about the losses that children suffer when their parents divorce.  Today, we will look at ways parents can help their children cope with divorce.  The fact is that parents can have a positive impact on this process, if they will do the following:

1. Reassurance – Reassure them of your love, and your ex-spouses love for them. Remind them frequently that your divorce had nothing to do with them, that they are not at fault, and that your love for them will never change.
2. Flexibility – Be flexible to meet your child’s needs above your own. If your ex has visitation scheduled for a weekend when your son has a soccer game, let your ex go to the game, and you stay home. Try to work together to meet your child’s needs, and not get petty with visitation scheduling.
3. Respect – Never, never, never, speak badly about your ex in front of your children. Always be respectful of your ex in words and actions in front of your kids. If you want to sound off, do that with your friends, never your kids.
4. Curtail Dating – I believe that when you make the decision to divorce, you also make the decision that your kids come first. Don’t begin dating and introducing new people into your kids lives. It will only add to more loss. If you feel the need to date, do so when the kids are visiting your ex, or when they in bed at night. Your time is limited, and it should be spent with your kids. Only introduce someone to your kids if you are engaged and plan on marrying again.
5. Fake It – Sometimes you won’t feel like being kind towards your ex, and that’s when you’ll just have to fake it. Put a smile on your face, be respectful and nice. Remember, the gift of kindness you are giving is not for your ex, it is for your kids. They need that gift most of all.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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In her article, The Devastation of Divorce, Trish Berg states that children of divorce suffer a myriad of losses when their parents divorce.  Ms. Berg says that it’s difficult to understand the impact divorce has on the children's lives until we examine the losses they suffer in this process.  She lists the following five main losses children experience during divorce:

1. Loss of Dad - When parents divorce, typically the dad leaves the home, and may not be present much in the lives of the children. This causes an emotional vacuum for the children, and they may feel rejected, alone, and unloved, no matter how much the single parent loves them.
2. Loss of Money – When dad leaves, so does a lot of the money. Economic resource are, at best, cut in half, at worst, single parent families live in poverty.
3. Loss of Security – Kids of divorce often move to a new, smaller home, in a new town, with a new school. They now have to visit their dad. If mom and dad then begin dating, an entirely new stress is added to their lives. Their sense of stability and security is shaken as their world has forever changed.
4. Loss of Harmony – Many kids whose parents divorce feel caught in the middle. The fighting may have stopped, but now Mom may talk negatively about dad, and dad may gripe about mom, all in front of the kids. Parents may play games with visitation, and hold the children as emotional ransom. This loss of harmony causes tremendous chaos and stress for kids.
5. Loss of Simplicity – Life for children of divorce can get very complicated. They have to schedule everything they do, and remember what weekends they are visiting dad so they don’t play in a soccer league with games then. They have to split heir holiday time - Christmas Eve with dad, Christmas morning with mom. And when life events hit, they have to worry about mom and dad being in the same place. Who will come to my eighth grade graduation? Will they see each other? Will they fight? Family life is now complex and chaotic, and that will last for the rest of their lives.

Note from Ben Stevens:  While I agree with many of Ms. Berg's points, her article presumes that the mother will have custody of the children.  Of course, as I have discussed previously on this Blog, that is not necessarily the case.  Fathers who are active in their children's lives have a good chance of getting custody, if they sincerely desire and take the proper steps to do so.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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Numerous studies have found that people who grow up in a broken home have an increased risk of developing depression or having problems with anxiety later in life.  However, MSNBC.com reports that a new study suggests that divorce may not be the root of the offspring's depression after all, but rather that the cause of the divorce and the depression might be the same: shared genes.

The study's lead author, Brian D’Onofrio, an assistant professor of psychology at Indiana University, said, “This study suggests that the increased risk of emotional problems in the offspring of divorced parents is due to genetic risk shared by parents and their offspring.  This is contrary to what a lot of people have assumed in sociology and psychology.”

However, Prof. D'Onofrio cautioned that this doesn’t mean that divorce has no impact on children. His research found that divorce led to an increased risk of alcohol abuse in people who grew up in broken homes.  One of his earlier studies found that other problem behaviors could also be traced to divorce, such as skipping school, getting into fights and stealing.

You can read more about the study published in the July issue of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Depression in Kids of Divorce Blamed on Genes" by Linda Carroll, published at MSNBC.com.

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A woman in San Antonio, Texas, has been charged with using MySpace to recruit two people to kidnap her son from his father.  The mother and father were not married, but they have two children together. The younger son, 1 year old, lives with his mother, while the older one (age 2) lives with his father and paternal grandparents.

The mother set up a MySpace page with the heading "I want my son back," and she allegedly offered $500 to anyone who would help her kidnap the boy from her estranged boyfriend.  Two people agreed to the scheme, and the mother sent a text-messaged her ex-boyfriend's sister, claiming that she was planning to stop by with something for the boy, to make sure he would be where the kidnappers could get at him.

On Saturday night, the two kidnappers took the screaming 2-year-old boy from his home, with the child's father chasing after them.  Shortly thereafter, they met the mother at a nearby convenience store and exchanged the boy for the money.  Police were able to locate the boy and return him to his father, though the child is reportedly still shaken by this incident.  The mother, her aunt, and both kidnappers have all been charged with felony criminal charges.

Source:  "Mom Is Accused of Hatching Kidnap of Tot on MySpace" by Vianna Davila and Vincent T. Davis, published in the Express-News and "Woman Allegedly Arranged Kidnap on MySpace" published by United Press International.

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Syndicated columnist, college professor, and author Tom McMahon, offers the following guidelines for parents involved in contentious divorces to follow to minimize the negative effects on their children:

• Coexist peacefully with your former spouse. This involves putting aside your differences for the sake of the children and supporting each other in the continuing roles as parents. Both parents should encourage each other to maintain contact with the children.
• Do not argue in front of your children.
• Children need consistency in their lives. Whenever possible, keep the same daily routines. If you share custody, both spouses should agree on the same household routines (bedtime, mealtime, discipline, etc.).
• Do not use your children for emotional support during your divorce. Connect with adult friends and relatives for support.
• Wait until your children are mostly healed from the divorce before you begin dating.

Source:  "Minimizing The Trauma Of Divorce For Children" by Tom McMahon, published in The Morning News.

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A recent study by the National Institutes of Health found that children who had quality child care before kindergarten had better vocabulary scores by fifth grade, but the more time they spent in child care, the more likely their sixth grade teachers were to report problem behaviors.  As expected, the children's parents’ guidance and their genes had by far the strongest influence on how children behaved.

You can read much more about this study at the following links:

• Study of Early Child Care and Youth Development by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development 
• "Poor Behavior Is Linked to Time in Day Care" by Benedict Carey, published in The New York Times
• "Study Links Child Care to Acting Out" by Kevin Freking, published by the Associated Press

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Rhode Island family law attorney Christopher A. Pearsall recently published an article on his blog, which analyzed the concept of labeling "deadbeat dads."  I think that Mr. Pearsall's article is very insightful and causes one to pause to think about how that term is haphazardly thrown around.  Here is his article:

Deadbeat Dads is a term that I hear fairly frequently in my travels with countless cases before the Rhode Island family court. I’ve used the phrase myself on an occasion or two in order to get my point across to one judge or another when the facts support the proposition that the father is intentionally taking steps to avoid paying the child support ordered for the support of his children.

Unfortunately, this is a term that is often overused, misused and even abused both by attorneys and by mothers who are simply angered that they are not receiving the funds the court ordered for the support of the child or children regardless of the circumstances. If the truth be told, there is no real definition of a “deadbeat dad” as the phrase has been coined. Yet the term is thrown around not simply descriptively but with the intent to injure the father or otherwise taint the court’s opinion. There’s no doubt that just hearing the words “He’s a deadbeat dad.” conjure up a vision of a father is intentionally avoiding his obligation to his children.

It has not been, nor will it ever be acceptable to be a deadbeat dad, but who makes that call. In the Rhode Island Divorce and Family Court System it is presumably the judge of the family court. Unfortunately this phrase is normally flung out by an offended party long before the Rhode Island Family Court judge ever makes his or her ruling.

In truth, there are many fathers who are struggling, financially, personally, emotionally and mentally. Not surprisingly, there are also many women out there with a the mentality that it matters little what happens to a father as long as she receives the child support set by an arbitrary schedule of numbers created by a committee. This is by no means a rebuke of the Rhode Island Child Support Guidelines, which are a necessary framework for the operation of the family court system and the provision of child support for children. It is, however, a unique commentary on a woman’s expectation and entitlement mentality toward the child support which is for the child and not her personal enjoyment or support.

Just in the way that children are entitled to be supported by their parents, aren’t parents entitled to survive at a minimal standard and with the understanding that we all run upon tough times and that sometimes the rule of law should bend to the factual consequences of the human condition and a father who just might be a victim of circumstance.

Language can be hard, hateful and injurious on a personal and legal level. The next time you hear someone refer to someone else as a “deadbeat dad”, stop and think about what you have heard, consider the source, and make a conscious decision to determine for yourself whether there’s enough proof to justify such a harsh accusation.

Source:  "Deadbeat Dads . . . Overused and abused. . ." by Christopher A. Pearsall, published at his Providence Rhode Island Legal Solutions blog.

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There is an old saying that I believe holds true -- "If' Momma's not happy, no one is happy."  Of course, that begs the question, how can mothers stay happy or at least happier?  Parenting.com recommends  the following steps for moms to be happier and more effective:

• Admit when you're stressed
• Get enough sleep
• (Re)consider your priorities
• Go with the flow
• Savor the moment
• Take the long view
• Reconnect with your spouse
• Say thanks

You can read the full article, which includes more about each of these suggestions by clicking HERE.
Source:  "How to be a Happier Mom: 8 Ways to Focus on the Positive" by Robert Barnett, published at CNN.com.  Thanks to David C. Sarnacki for his post on this topic at his Domestic Diversions blog.

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In Family Court cases, it is not uncommon for people to make remarks to intimidate, upset, and/or cause stress for each other. Because of the close relationships the parties previously had with each other, they usually know just which remarks to make to cause the maximum response on the intended victim.

Since these types of comments unfortunately are made all too often, our firm strives to make our clients and potential clients aware of them to help minimize their impact. We urge our clients to refrain from making these types of remarks, as they only create more stress for them, more work for us, and more expense in their cases.

These typical remarks can include some or all of the following:

• “I am going to drag this case out forever. By the time you get your share of the property, you'll be too old to enjoy it.”
• “If you persist in your financial demands, I am going to file a custody action and take the children away from you.”
• “I’ve got the best lawyer in town. He’s going to crush you and your lawyer.”
• “My lawyer is mean. He’s going to make your life miserable.”
• “Your lawyer is a crook. His only interest is to drag out the case in order to make more money.”
• “You've gotten yourself the most expensive lawyer around. The two lawyers are going to eat up all of the assets that we acquired during the marriage.”
• “My lawyer knows all of the judges. There’s no way that you are going to get a decent result in Court.”
• “I was ready to give you a fair settlement. Now that you got a lawyer, I am going to play hard ball and you're going to end up with much less than I was willing to give you.”
• “I’m going to take the children and you will never see them again.”
• “You’re crazy for pushing this divorce case. All that you are doing is taking money away from the children.”
• “If you don’t settle on a reasonable basis, I will have to take the children out of school.”
• “I’m going to tell the children that you are responsible for this mess.”
• “At the rate you and your lawyer are going, I’ll have to declare bankruptcy and nobody is going to win.”
• “If you don't settle on my terms, I’m going to drag your girlfriend (or boyfriend) into this case.”
• “Your lawyer is too busy to handle this case.”
• “You can’t trust lawyers. They always work with the lawyer on the other side and run up unnecessary time to make more money.”

Hopefully, the opposing party in your case isn’t the type who makes such outrageous statements. On the other hand, you could be on the receiving end of such remarks or of variations on these themes. Fortunately, there is rarely is any basis for such comments, and they are usually made to provoke a desired response.

We want to assure our clients and potential clients that with regard to these types of comments, our firm’s position is the following:

1. Our attorneys and office staff are experienced in Family Court cases, and you can be assured that we are not going to be intimidated by any such statements made by the opposing party in your case.
2. If you have any concerns about any statements the opposing party makes, please discuss them with us.
3. We work for you. Our job is to work on your behalf and to take reasonable and necessary steps to help you obtain your desired results in your case.
4. Finally, we take pride in our adherence to the strictest of ethical standards. You can always count on our integrity and good faith in representing you.

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In most divorces, children are usually the last to find out that their parents are separating.  When they do find out, children have a variety of reactions, from feelings of abandonment to psychological dysregulation to immense anger.

Here are some tips on how to help children maintain their self-esteem and emotional equilibrium during the roughest of times: 

• Keep an eye out for changes in your child's emotions and these signs of depression:
  • Loss of spontaneity.
  • Excessive brooding.
  • Dramatic drop in grades.
  • Use of alcohol or drugs.
  • Loss of interest in his/her favorite activities.
• Avoid confrontation and conflict in the children's presence at all costs.
• Try to be flexible and think of the children's needs before your own.

Source:  "How to Ease Pain of Divorce for Children" by Kristina Diener, published at
TheAcorn.com.

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Lawyers Weekly USA recently published an excellent article on parental alienation syndrome (PAS).  "Parental Alienation: The Latest Weapon in Nasty Divorces" takes an inside look at the various aspects of PAS from the perspectives of those involved in the legal system.  The article features interviews with psychologist Richard Gardner and several divorce attorneys: Steve Pradell of Anchorage, Alaska; Susan Gallagher of Minneapolis, Minnesota; Michael R. Walsh of Orlando, Florida; Patrick O'Reilly of Buffalo, New York; and me, Ben Stevens.

Some of the quotes from me in this article are:

• Although parental alienation has become a common weapon in custody cases around the country, proving it can be a tall order.  "It's like everything else in a custody case - it all comes down to what you can prove at trial. A lot of bad things happen, but they're very difficult to prove," said Ben Stevens of Stevens MacPhail in Spartanburg, S.C.
• But the heart of any parental alienation case is the expert testimony, according to Stevens.  "Take the child to a mental health professional and let him do testing," he suggested. "Then you've got an expert witness to come and say, 'In my expert opinion, this is what's going on.'"
• Third-party witnesses can also be a powerful weapon in court.  "Try to line up witnesses that would have had the opportunity to see [the parent] interact with the child. Teachers, scout leaders, dance teachers, karate teachers - people who see them during times when parents let their guard down and can say, 'I've never seen Dad say anything bad about Mom or Mom say anything bad about Dad,'" Stevens suggested.
• "I encourage my clients to act reasonably, assume anything they do or say could be shown to the judge - or better yet, that the judge is standing there watching," said Stevens. "I don't know if that's great advice or I've just had good clients, but I haven't had many alienation claims alleged against my clients."
• Stevens is also careful to take cases he believes in strongly.  "It's not worth it to me to deal with clients who are acting deliberately," he said. "If they're going to do that to their child's parent, I'm going to have a problem with them at some point."

The other attorneys interviewed in the article make interesting points, and some even disagree with  me on certain issues.  I strongly suggest that you read this article and consider all of the points raised by the various contributors.  You can read the full text of the article by clicking HERE.

Source:  "Parental Alienation: The Latest Weapon in Nasty Divorces" by Amy Johnson Conner, published at Lawyers Weekly USA.

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