Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Stevens-MacPhail Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

Parenthood sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be - especially for step-parents, who are often the unsung heroes of blended families.  These step-parents face multiple challenges, as they frequently must deal with rejection and parent effectively while preserving a loving relationship with his/her spouse.

To increase the chances of success for blended families, consider the following tips:

• The parents should inquire regularly about each other's feelings and be ready to listen without getting defensive or unduly upset with the children.
• The parents should establish clear behavioral expectations and communicate them to the children. They should do this together and make sure both parents' commitment to the plan is clear to the children.
• The parents should anticipate the children's reactions to these behavioral expectations and decide how to manage them.
• The parents should impose predetermined consequences whenever children act out. If the misbehavior seems related to the divorce, address the issues directly.
• The parents should articulate the specific role the step-parent wishes to play.
• The step-parent should explain he/she will parent but has no intention of trying to replace or be more powerful than the child's birth parent. If teenage children are blended into the family, the step-parent should consider a style more like that of an aunt, uncle, or teacher.
• The step-parent should not criticize a birth parent. When a child begins to make comparisons, a step-parent should simply state that this is how he/she has decided to do things in his/her home.
• The step-parent should establish cordial relations with the birth parent and cooperate when practical. If children see their step-parent and birth parent getting along, they will accept the step-parent more readily.
• The step-parent should try not to take rejection personally. All children test parents and periodically push them away as a means of seizing power in the relationship or proving parents mean what they say.
• The step-parent should do things with the stepchildren that are mutually enjoyable and try to spend time with them individually. Make sure the child knows this time is important to the step-parent.

Source:  "Stepmothers Also Deserve Respect, Gratitude" by Dennis O'Brien, published at the Warrenton Journal.

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The following article is from one of our regular guest columnists, Dr. Trey Kuhne:

A few months ago, a friend sent this to me through the email. I am uncertain who the original author is but was moved so much by it that I thought it might be an encouragement to parents who wonder if their children are ever watching them or not? It is called “When you thought I wasn’t looking.” Take a brief read.

"When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking" by a child

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God!

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I! saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

As children, we saw just about everything our parents did and said and we modeled ourselves  after them, good, bad and indifferent.  Now as parents, you are worried about everything you do because you realize that your children are watching you! Your children deserve excellent parents!

Dads, let your children see you loving and kissing mom, let them see how a man loves a woman with respect.  Dads, let your children observe how you handle difficulties and come to consensus in matters of disagreement.

Moms, let your children see and experience you praising Dad for his love, leadership, and faithfulness to God. Moms, let your children observe how you make decisions, how you consider different possibilities and derive solutions.

Let your children hear your prayers out loud. Let your children see you disagree and then come to consensus again. Teach your children through modeling the kind of behavior that you appreciate so much in your life.

Basically what I am saying is to not withhold from your children the experience of life. They are going to experience it at school, in sports, and with their friends and what better way for them to get it right by experiencing it through the two (or one) of you.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is final installment in our exclusive online presentation of "How to Be Told by Your Children That You Are So Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I would like to again thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to present his series to you on my blog.  If you missed it, you can use these links to read Part One and Part Two.  Without further adieu, here is Part Three:

9. Believe that children want rules to guide them. Allow children to paint you as the “bad guy.” Rule number 1 in parenting is to be consistent in love, nurture, and discipline. Rule number 2 is not to set out to create your child into your best friend. Your child’s job is to learn, grow, have fun, and follow the rules and (hopefully) mature. Your job is to foster a healthy family environment for love to nurture one another. Your job is to maintain a loving and healthy relationship with your spouse that helps maintain that healthy family environment for love to nurture one another. In order to have all this “healthiness” you have to have a game plan, some sort of guiding map to help navigate your way. Your parents may have taught you their “way” to a working family. Regardless of what “way” you will lead your family, it is vital to have some guiding rules, principles, and values from the beginning until they leave they home. So, for them to make it to age 18 I suggest that you adopt the position that your children want and need rules to guide them.

10. Remember that teenagers need parental supervision as much as toddlers do. It’s just a different kind.  The theme here is that teenagers need direction, guidance, structure and supervision to understand how to be an adult. Toddlers have to have supervision in order to protect them from harming themselves unknowingly, to help feed them and nurture them to healthiness, and to aid them in understanding life as they grow. Same is true for older children. In reality, even adults need supervision at times! Be careful not to skirt your supervisory role in your child or teenagers life!

11. If necessary, love your children enough to let them hate you – for a while. When you child tells you in frustration that they “hate” you it actually can be a healthy coping mechanism for their frustrations because in doing so they are expressing deepened emotions. Also, as a parent, you know that those emotions change ever so quickly and the next moment your “parent hater” child is asking for money to go to the movies!

12. Know that children are never too big for a hug – even when they are grown. I strongly encourage spouses to show PDA around their children often. Of course, be sensitive to your child’s age and experience level but please do let them see you showing love and affection to one another. Hug your children and help them understand what important role affection plays in relationships. Hug them when they are young and hug them when they are old. Isn’t it a meaningful experience when your parents hug you now?

And now for some wise advice from Scripture:

Proverbs 4 (NIV)
1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
       pay attention and gain understanding.
2 I give you sound learning,
       so do not forsake my teaching.
3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
       still tender, and an only child of my mother,
4 he taught me and said,
       "Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
       keep my commands and you will live.
5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
       do not forget my words or swerve from them.
6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
       love her, and she will watch over you.
7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
       Though it cost all you have, [a] get understanding.
8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
       embrace her, and she will honor you.
9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
       and present you with a crown of splendor."
10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
       and the years of your life will be many.
11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
       and lead you along straight paths.
12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
       when you run, you will not stumble.
13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
       guard it well, for it is your life.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is part two in the exclusive online presentation of "How to Be Told by Your Children That You Are So Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  Thanks to Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to once again present his series to you on my blog.  If you missed it, you can read Part One by clicking HERE, and this is Part Two:

This week we continue this 3 part series with the next four easy steps to provide consistency and structure to the home world.  My title for this series, “How to be told by your children that you are so Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps” was actually a comment that one 14 year old child said one day as we were discussing these things with his parents in the therapy session. His reply was, “Mom and Dad, you both are so Not Cool if you listen to this man!” Thus the title. Don’t worry, I was quickly told the next session that I was a cool counselor by this same young man.

I hope these little small snippets of truth will be valuable to you as parents as you find creative ways to be the very best parents possible to your children. They deserve it! And now on to steps 5-8:

5. Be aware that many in the community put children’s buying power above children’s well-being. Don’t expect the community to reinforce (your) family values. Though you may have Christian friends with similar values, the community-at-large is not in agreement with how you may raise your children. From cell phones, to clothes, to gadgets, your children will always want for what the community tells them they should want for. As the parents, you both can set limits and direct your child’s understanding of money, tithing, giving, management, and monetary power.

6. Clearly state consequences of failure to follow family rules. Consequences are not
negotiable. Failure to be crystal clear with your children leads them to begin ASSUMING what you mean. Though the wages of sin is death and the consequences of family disobedience is NOT death, make your children aware of what the consequences are to their disobedience to the family rules. Do not feel sorry for your children or give in when you are compared to other parents that are “way less strict.” The grass is not always greener on the other side. Those “less strict” parents may be struggling too.

7. Enforce stated consequences when family rules are broken. Children who don’t follow family rules today may break society’s laws tomorrow. Many of the post baby-boomer generation wanted to make sure they fixed everything in their children that their parents did wrong in them (Please read this line again!). Yet I bet that most of the parents reading this remember well the corrections their parents made in their behavior. How else does a child learn unless consequences are enforced? Be willing to be the Bad Guy/Gal. Seek support from other parents when you feel you are being attacked/punished by your children for requiring your children to honor/follow the family rules. Also remember that your local family therapist/pastoral counselor (me!) loves to help with these issues as well.

8. Don’t assume that the parents of all your children’s friends have the same family rules you do. Some have different rules, some have none. This is why one important part of your job as parent is to screen your children’s friends and their families. Just because little Mary likes a friend at school doesn’t mean that the friend can come over and disrespect you and your parental authority. I encourage parents to directly speak with the parents of the friends that your child chooses to hang with. There may come a time when you will need to confer with the other parents for some reason. Also, keeping good communication with the other parents may allow you to encourage them in your rules.

Well that’s all for now. See you next week with the last 4 steps to help the family run more smoothly and to enjoy the peace of structure!

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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I am pleased to bring you the exclusive online presentation of "How to Be Told by Your Children That You Are So Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I will publish this three part series over the next few Wednesdays, and I hope that it is helpful to you.  I want to thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to once again present his series to you on my blog.  Here is Part One:

Having 18+ years of hands on real world experience being a child, I live in the awareness of the challenges my own parents experienced in raising me and my sister. With my own experience in hand and with a number of requests from young families in the community, I have set out for these next three weeks to offer some suggestions for parenting today’s child.

I have gleaned this information from various practical and clinical resources. One is a valuable resource called Parent Talk, a quarterly publication produced by the Health Resource Center in partnership with Spartanburg Regional Hospital System here in town. The other resource is the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I am a clinical member in practice.

In this three part series, I would like to offer 12 practical and clinically effective suggestions for parents and family members in raising, nurturing, and caring for your children. All of these suggestions agree with the Structural Family Therapy model that I teach and propose in my work in helping parents and families. So, without further ado, let’s get started:

1. Accept your role of parent as YOUR responsibility. You are the only parent(s) that your children have, though others can make it seem as if they could do a better job. Those “others” can’t do a better job because they are not you. God entrusted your children to no one else. Please accept this important role as your responsibility. Though society may expect school, church, clubs, and sports to parent your children, only you can really do it.

2. Make parenting a priority. Whether a surprise gift from God or a planned decision,  make your parenting a priority. Stick to consistent and effective parenting even when it is inconvenient and difficult. Seek help when it is needed. God did not intend for you to go about parenting alone. Extended family, the Body of Christ, and wise counsel are available to aid you and support you but you have to ask.

3. Educate yourself about the problems facing today’s children – those problems are
different from the problems you faced. There are similarities to your era but be aware of the differences. There are pressures that come to your children from many different sources compared to those that came in your time. From media sources to peer relationships, your children are constantly being bombarded with information demanding them to respond in various ways. Learn what they are experiencing as best you can. Learn first, then judge. Remember that knowledge is power!

4. Give clear messages about your expectations – Be specific about how you expect your children to behave. Parental inconsistency is the root of all evil! Parental inconsistency is the primary reason for family difficulties in children. Parents threaten and do not follow through. If you are not consistent in your parenting, it is difficult for your children to be consistent in their following. Define what you mean by “You must clean up your room!” Set measurable expectations that are not vague but clear for your children. Clarity helps your children know the boundaries of how far they can wander on their own. Clarity also help you as parents know where the boundaries are in the family.

See you next week with four more ways to be told by your children that you are So Not Cool!

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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A mother in decided to sell her teenager's car after discovering alcohol in it.  When she purchased the car for her son, she set two rules:  no alcohol and keep it locked.  She did not buy her son's explanation that a passenger had left the alcohol, and the self-described "meanest mom on the planet" placed the following classified ad in The Des Moines Register:

OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.

Apparently, she has received overwhelmingly positive feedback from people all across the country since placing the ad, with the only critic being her son.  In fact, she decided to run the ad for an additional week after selling the car, just to make sure that she made her point.

Source:  "'Meanest Mom’ Sells Car After Finding Liquor"  published at MSNBC.com.

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Many divorced or divorcing people wonder how and when to reveal their prior marriage to a new love interests.  Christie Hartman, a Denver psychologist and author of Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide If He's Right for You, gives the following advice:

• If you are going through a divorce, tell the person you are dating pronto. Don't beat around the bush, and don't say you are already divorced if you are still in the process of it.
• More personal information, such as why the marriage failed and the nature of your relationship with your ex, should be saved for a later date when the two of you are more comfortable with each other.
• Don't go into too much detail. Focus on what you learned and how it made you a better person.  Taking this approach decreases the chances of overwhelming your partner.
• Be neutral when speaking about your past partner. If you criticize your ex, you risk sounding petty and emotionally involved. If you heap on praise, you sound as though you still have romantic feelings for your ex.
• Know what you want out of the relationship and what you're capable of.  You should be honest with yourself first, then with potential partners.

Source:  "Dating After Divorce: When to Reveal Your Past" by Jocelyn Voo, published at CNN.com.

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Several months ago, CBS' The Early Show took at look at "changes taking places in modern divorces." Their report focuses on the advantages offered by mediation as opposed to traditional litigation, and it includes three to five minute videos included on the following topics:

• Fight-Free Divorce
• Divorce Among Senior Couples
• Preventing A Divorce

If you are interested in these topics, it is worth spending a few minutes reviewing these videos.

Source:  "Putting An End To Divorce Wars" published at CBSNews.com.  Thanks to Kevin Hickey for his post on his blog about this article.

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What happens when parents cannot agree on issues pertaining to their children? In the past, this situation typically resulted in both parents hiring attorneys, going to Court, slugging it out, and ultimately having a Judge decide the issues for them. Fortunately, there is another option available today for parents facing this situation: utilize a parenting coordinator.

Parenting coordinators usually have backgrounds as mental-health professionals, lawyers or mediators, and they typically have completed a training certification course. Basically, these professionals attempt to establish rules or communication procedures to help parents work together more effectively, and I believe that they can be very helpful in that capacity. Some states can mandate the use of a parenting coordinator, though I am not aware of that ever being done in South Carolina.

Parenting coordinators usually analyze the parents’ communication styles and parenting techniques, and then they suggest ways to improve any deficient areas. In some cases, the coordinators will get input from the children to get their points of view. The goal of the parenting coordinator should be to give parents the skills to resolve disputes themselves, as they are really the best people to make decisions concerning their children.

Situations involving extremely high-conflict parents, domestic violence, substance abuse, or severe mental illness are probably not good candidates for involvement by parenting coordinators. Similarly, I believe that while it might make sense for parents to grant the coordinator the ability to decide “minor” issues should an impasse arise, they should not delegate more important decisions. For instance, I do not believe that parenting coordinators should make decisions that affect the rights of parents, such as custody modifications, relocation decisions, and the like.

Source:  "A Referee for Mom and Dad" by Rachel Emma Silverman, published in The Wall Street Journal.

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I have written several posts on this blog about Parental Alienation Syndrome, such as here, here, and here.  To get another lawyer's take on this subject, I present the following article published by Dan Nunley at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog a few months ago:

Statistics show that approximately one in two marriages end in divorce and about ten percent of those divorces involve child custody battles.  During these emotionally charged proceedings, some children exhibit emotional detachment from one or both parents.  The cause of this emotional detachment is unknown and the issues involved are complex.

One suggested theory, developed by the late Richard A. Gardner, M.D., has come to be known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS).  PAS typically portrays one parent as an evil alienator who through consistent brainwashing is responsible for turning an impressionable and vulnerable child against the innocent, enstranged parent.   As a result of this brainwashing, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the enstranged parent.

PAS is becoming an issue in more and more custody cases.  However, the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to its statement on PAS.

The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children.

Read more about PAS in this recent article from Lawyers Weekly USA.

Source:  "Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Dan Nunley, published at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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A psychological (or de facto) parent  can be defined as a person who has, on a day-to-day basis, undertaken a parental role through interaction, companionship, interplay, and mutuality, that fulfills a child’s physical and psychological needs and provides for a child’s emotional and financial support.

South Carolina has adopted a four-prong test for determining whether a person has become a psychological parent.  Specifically, in order to demonstrate the existence of a psychological parent-child relationship, one must show:

1. that the biological or adoptive parent(s) consented to, and fostered, the person's formation and establishment of a parent-like relationship with the child;
2. that the person and the child lived together in the same household;
3. that the person assumed obligations of parenthood by taking significant responsibility for the child’s care, education and development, including contributing towards the child’s support, without expectation of financial compensation; and
4. that the person has been in a parental role for a length of time sufficient to have established with the child a bonded, dependent relationship parental in nature.

In announcing this test, the Court of Appeals stated that [t]hese four factors ensure that a nonparent’s eligibility for psychological parent status will be strictly limited.  It also cautioned that psychological parents do not automatically have the right to demand custody in a dispute between the legal parent and psychological parent, as the limited right of the psychological parent cannot usually overcome the legal parent’s right to control the upbringing of his or her child.

The Court reasoned that once the bond between the psychological parent and child was established, it should not be unilaterally severed by the biological parent who fostered the relationship in the first place.  The standard to be applied is whether compelling circumstances exist to overcome the presumption that a fit, legal parent acts in the child’s best interest, and of course, visitation must actually be in the child’s best interest. The compelling circumstances standard encompasses a situation where, as here, a third party has attained psychological parent status.

You can read much more about the role and status of psychological parents in South Carolina in Middleton v. Johnson, 369 S.C. 585, 633 S.E.2d 162 (Ct. App. 2006).  This opinion includes a thorough discussion of this theory, including analysis of the decisions from other states.

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I read an article over the weekend about "momblocking."  This new phenomenon refers to situations where fathers become so confident in taking care of their children that mothers can feel edged out, or "blocked".  Fortunately, with enough reassurance and communication between parents, this situation can usually be resolved.

Dr. Craig Garfield, a pediatrician and researcher at Chicago's Northwestern University who specializes in the role of men in child-rearing, says that mothers still typically act as the gatekeepers to fathers' involvement with their kids.  However, my experience is that more fathers are taking active roles in raising their children, some with and others without the mother's help.

In some families, this "momblocking" creates real tension between the parents, sometimes to the point that they need to seek counseling to address it.  Not surprisingly, the counseling often focuses on having the parents understand that both are working for the child's best interest in their own way and improving communication methods to facilitate the exchange of information.

Source:  "‘Momblocked’ Mothers Feel Edged Out by Dads" by Victoria Clayton, published at MSNBC.com.

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There is an old saying that I believe holds true -- "If' Momma's not happy, no one is happy."  Of course, that begs the question, how can mothers stay happy or at least happier?  Parenting.com recommends  the following steps for moms to be happier and more effective:

• Admit when you're stressed
• Get enough sleep
• (Re)consider your priorities
• Go with the flow
• Savor the moment
• Take the long view
• Reconnect with your spouse
• Say thanks

You can read the full article, which includes more about each of these suggestions by clicking HERE.
Source:  "How to be a Happier Mom: 8 Ways to Focus on the Positive" by Robert Barnett, published at CNN.com.  Thanks to David C. Sarnacki for his post on this topic at his Domestic Diversions blog.

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The New York Times reports that relationship experts believe that couples should ask each other critical questions before marrying, including the following:

1. Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2. Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3. Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4. Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6. Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7. Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8. Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10. Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11. Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12. What does my family do that annoys you?
13. Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14. If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15. Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Source:  "Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying" published in The New York Times.

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Hopefully, this Valentine's Day will be a happy one for you and your spouse.  Unfortunately, many people across the country will not be so lucky, because their spouse is being unfaithful and violating their marriage vows.

However, there is good news.  Noted private investigator and author, Bill Mitchell, has come up with the following fourteen ways to avoid adultery in your marriage:

1. Promise your mate you will never join an internet "cheaters" service.
2. Put any positive thoughts of a "love triangle" in the company shredder
3. Guard your affection for your spouse or significant other. Don't give it away carelessly.
4. In 2006 share cards, chocolates, flowers, hotel suites and gifts with just ONE - your spouse.
5. Tell yourself you will get caught - no matter how selective a gene pool you left.
6. Understand that not every parent who cheated on their spouse is a wise or a good example to follow.
7. Convince yourself that car behind you is a private investigator placing a "tail" on you.
8. Look for reasons to keep your marriage alive - try a defibrillator if necessary.
9. Communicate to save your marriage. Be open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires and aspirations.
10. Be affectionate, accountable, understanding and honest this year ( of course with your spouse). Try signing up for a marriage seminar or retreat. Check with a local church for events in your area.
11. Read this aloud; "Affairs seem exciting and fulfilling for a moment but destructive to me, my family, friends, employer and future. It's not worth it and I'm too smart for that troubled way of living!"
12. Extramarital affairs are just too costly even for the wealthy. Do everyone around you a big favor, including your kids, use just one bed - the one at home - with your spouse.
13. Value your health. You can't risk the future over a fling. Cheaters often spread STD's.
14. Agree that a little "self-indulgence" will lead to an affair so listen to your conscience before it leads anywhere.

Source:  "Fourteen Sure Fire Actions to avoid an affair this Valentine's Day" by Bill Mitchell, published at his The More You Know blog.

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"Holidays can be complicated for any family, but when children, stepchildren and new spouses are involved, things can get really crazy."  So begins the article, "A Better House Blend", published this week in Time magazine.  This article takes an in-depth look at the difficulties that blended families face every day, particularly with regard to making decisions for children involved.  If you haven't already read it, you should do so.  You can go directly to this article by clicking HERE.

Thanks to Diana L. Skaggs of the Divorce Law Journal for her post about this article.

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Lee Borden of Lee's Divorce & Family Law Blog has published a great resource on Living Together After Divorce, which includes thorough discussions of:

• Why Some Couples Live Together After Divorce
• What Can Go Wrong
• What You Can Do To Make It Work

If you (or someone you know) are living with your former spouse or considering doing so, you should read Lee's excellent article and consider the points he raises. 

Source:  "Living Together After Divorce" by Lee Borden.

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As you may have heard by now, Paul McCartney and his wife, Heather Mills McCartney, are going through an increasingly nasty divorce.  Through it all, the former Beatle has stated his intent to conduct himself with "a certain dignity."

Some wisdom from Sir Paul that every party in a divorce could learn a lot from:

• "There are certain things in life that are personal, and I think a relationship with a partner is intensely personal, and I prefer to keep it that way."
• "When you are going through difficulties, I think the thing to do for the sake of all the people all concerned is to keep a certain dignity and remember that it is a private affair, and that way, you will probably get through it better."
• "Life goes on. I do not hold grudges against anyone."
• "I think life goes on, and it is what you make of it..."

Source:  "McCartney: Dignity Through Divorce" by Gina Serpe, published at E! Online.

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Today's ATLA L@w News Digest gives the following summary of an article by Tresa Baldas published on August 1, 2006, in the National Law Journal:

"In a case that family law experts fear could set a dangerous precedent, a Michigan teenager is suing his mother to learn the identity of his father. Family law attorneys say the issue of compelling a mother to reveal the identity of the biological father is a new area of law. And depending on how the Michigan judge rules in the case, they say, courts nationally could see a new flood of lawsuits of children suing their parents.

"You are opening the floodgates of litigation," said Richard Crouch of Crouch & Crouch in Arlington, Va., who has been practicing family law for more than 30 years and has sat on several American Bar Association (ABA) and Virginia State Bar family law committees. "The courts haven't got any business concerning themselves with this area, even if there are health concerns. You're opening up too large an area where a lot of the litigation would be useless and frivolous."

I respectfully disagree with the other family law experts referenced in this article. I believe that as a general rule, children have a fundamental right to know who their parents are. Of course, there should be exceptions when such information would not be in the child's best interest (such as situations where the child was conceived as the result of a criminal act), but why would it not be in the child's best interest to know who his/her parents are.

Should the Court not require the mother to disclose the father's identity, I could envision situations where mothers would attempt to use that to their advantage to try to keep the father out of the child's life. The Court should encourage parents and children to have healthy, meaningful relationships with each other, not condone the construction of additional walls which could be used for the opposite reason.

I also take exception with Richard Crouch's assertion that the Court shouldn't concern themselves with this issue "even if there are health concerns." The health and welfare of a child should certainly trump a selfish mother's desire to conceal her sexual partner's identity in virtually every case.

As for Mr. Crouch's fear that the floodgates of litigation might be opened as a result of this case, I am sure that someone made the same statement when it was first suggested that non-custodial parents should be forced to pay child support. However, just because a concept is new and may result in increased litigation should not make it presumed to be wrong or a bad idea.

I would be interested in hearing what my readers think about this subject. Please click on the "Comments / Questions" link to give me your input.

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I believe that communication is one of the keys to a successful marriage. If you are interested in improving your communication in your marriage (or at work, with your friends, or anywhere), consider the following tips I recently came across.

The next time you have a conversation with someone that lasts more than one minute, challenge yourself to make these minor changes and watch how the person responds to you compared to previous conversations:

1. Listen 50% more
2. Ask twice as many questions
3. Hold eye contact 50% more
4. Make slight contact, or hold contact slightly longer. (Better hand shake maybe)
5. Show sincere sympathy or enthusiasm for something they say
6. Ask them if there is anything you could help out with.

Source: Your Next Conversation: 6 Things That Will Make It Different by Ron McDaniel of the Buzzoodle Buzz Marketing blog. Thanks to Arnie Herz of the Legal Sanity blog for finding this article.

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You may be interested in the following article, "The Motherhood Manifesto" by Joan Blades & Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, as published in the May 22, 2006 issue of The Nation:

In the deep quiet of a still-dark morning, Renee reaches her arm out from under her thick flowered comforter and across the bed to hit the snooze button on her alarm clock. For a few blessed (and pre-planned) minutes she avoids the wakeful classic rock blaring into her bedroom from her alarm. Renee hits the snooze button exactly three times before finally casting off her covers. She does this each morning, and each morning she sleepily thinks the same thing: "It's too early. I was just at work two seconds ago, and I don't want to go back already."

Everything about Renee's morning is structured for speed and efficiency. At 5:45, with her young son, Wade, and husband, Alan, still sleeping, Renee drags herself out of bed and sleepwalks to the shower. She brushes her teeth while the shower is warming, making sweeping circles on the mirror with her hand so she can see her reflection. Renee's movements, though she's thoroughly tired, are crisp, hurried and automatic--she's repeated the routine daily for several years.

Renee knows exactly how long each of her morning tasks will take, to the minute. That, for instance, between 6 and 6:12 she needs to put on her makeup, get herself dressed, get her son's clothes out and ready for the day, and get downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast.

All this is done with an eye on the clock and a subtle, yet constant, worry about time. Her mind loops over the potential delays that could be ahead: "Is there going to be traffic? Am I going to get stuck behind a school bus? Is my son going to act normal when I drop him off or is he going to be stuck to my leg? Am I going to get a parking space in the office garage or am I going to have to run five blocks through the city to get to work on time?" And if there isn't any garage parking, which happens often, then in order to be on time for work Renee has to run up six flights of stairs in heels because she doesn't have extra time to waste waiting for an elevator. She's done this climb more than once.

Why the stress? At her work, if Renee is late more than six times, she's in danger of losing her job. Like many American mothers, Renee needs her income to help provide for her family. In our modern economy, where more often than not two wage earners are needed to support a family, American women now make up 46 percent of the entire paid labor force. In fact, a study released last June found that in order to maintain income levels, parents have to work more hours--two-parent families are spending 16 percent more time at work, or 500 more hours a year, than in 1979.

Despite all the media chatter about the so-called Opt-Out Revolution--and all the hand-wringing about whether working moms are good for kids--women, and mothers, are in the workplace to stay. Yet public policy and workplace structures have yet to catch up.

This Mother's Day, why not step back and reflect about how we as a country can really help mothers like Renee? For example, the option of flextime would make a world of difference for Renee and her family. "Flextime would make a huge difference in my life because with my job function, there are busy days and late days. As long as I'm there forty hours a week and get my job done, then I don't know why anyone would care. I don't understand why there's such an 8 am to 5 pm 'law' in my workplace."

Continue Reading...

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From the California Divorce and Family Law blog:

It took co-authors Alison Clarke-Stewart and Cornelia Brentano a couple of years to synthesize hundreds, if not thousands, of studies and surveys on divorce for their book "Divorce: Causes and Consequences." The Orange County professors were assigned the chore by Yale University Press.

Clarke-Stewart, a professor of psychology and social behavior at UC Irvine, and Brentano, an associate professor of psychology at Chapman University, had taught a class on divorce at UCI for years and found themselves searching for a textbook that looked comprehensively at the research on divorce. They hope "Divorce: Causes and Consequences" will dispel myths about divorce and educate couples considering or undergoing a divorce, and those who work with divorcing couples.

"There really is a lot of fire out there in the debate about whether divorce is good or bad," Clarke-Stewart says. "What this book says is, it's good and bad. We hope people will take away this kind of balanced view." "Divorce: Causes and Consequences" includes first-person insights from their students about their parents' divorce. Clarke-Stewart and Brentano found those accounts so powerful that they self-published another book, "Divorce Lessons: Real-Life Stories and What You Can Learn from Them" as an easy-to-read, self-help book.

Q. Do you think most people would be surprised to know that the divorce rate has been going down and is actually the lowest it's been in 30 years?

Brentano: Probably the most common myth is that the divorce rate is ever increasing. That is sparked by the media. I just did a quick search for something on divorce, and instantly I get a slew of hits that point out the 'ever-increasing divorce rate.'

Clarke-Stewart: I guess you'd have to ask what interested group would want to say it's getting better? It serves everybody's purpose to make it worse.

Brentano: There are many divorce-reform organizations out there, grass-roots organizations who uniformly use this notion that the divorce rate is staggering.

Q. In the book you say that people should enter divorce with realistic expectations and reasonable demands. How do you do that at a time when emotions tend to run high?

Clarke-Stewart: I always tell my students in the last lecture of the class that they should only marry someone they think they could go through a divorce with. You really have to be good friends with the person. But I do think that information and education have gotto be helpful.

Brentano: There's evidence for that in the research. Both marriage education and divorce education promote better marriages, more stable marriages.

Clarke-Stewart: So the thing is, think about and find out the ways to make divorce the least destructive for the child instead of sweeping it under the couch. That was one of the surprising things in the literature and also in our conversations with the students taking our class, that parents don't seem to realize how much their children are suffering.

Q. Can you talk about the different ways that men and women suffer from divorce?

Clarke-Stewart: It's interesting that men seem to have the most extreme emotional reactions. For one thing, they are less likely to be the person who initiates the divorce. They're happy to go along year after year with things being, you know, just OK. They're the ones that are more likely to have the "nervous breakdown," or suicide attempt, or car accident, whatever. But they get over the reaction sooner, on average. Whereas for women, they may be more likely to feel some sense of relief at the beginning, but then when the reality of having more limited income and probably more sole parenting, child-care responsibility sets in, then it becomes very long-term depressing for them. And in terms of money, there is this statistic that women's family income tends to go down and sometimes men's goes up. But in fact both parties end up with less family money than a married couple staying together.

Q. But is it more likely that men will be doing better economically?

Clarke-Stewart: Yes, and they remarry sooner.

Brentano: With men, you often see a fairly quick flurry of dating activity after divorce. Although they may be in a state of crisis, part of their coping mechanism is to find a replacement. Unless they are completely heartbroken. They aren't necessarily looking for the partner for the next marriage. For the former wife, that looks like the man is having a good time.

Q. And the men may not be having a good time?

Clarke-Stewart: No, they're probably not. But they're actively having a bad time.

Q. In your book you said that children say the worst result of divorce is that they miss their father.

Clarke-Stewart: Yes. These people of any age, in the place where you're supposed to have a father, they have a hole. Unless they have a stepfather that has filled in the hole, they will always be yearning and curious and feel rejected by the guy that left them.

Brentano: But it's really important to understand that it's not just any contact or frequent contact with the father regardless of what the quality of contact is. That is a message fathers don't always understand. It's not just about having control over the kids or having contact with the kids. Are you continuing to be a parent and are you evolving as a parent? Kids later on comment on that. They say, yeah we did all these things, or he bought me things, but I never really had a relationship with him. And that hurts, too.

Q. There are positive consequences though, right, for children and adults?

Clarke-Stewart: For some children and some adults, yes. If you're in a dysfunctional family, to be out of it and into something better, even if you're alone, is positive. It's very hard to be in a situation that's painful every day, and it's hard for the kids, too.

Brentano: Also it's good for children to see their parents cope effectively - to have a new start, feel better, be better people, presuming that things go well, which it does often, too. It's learning how to overcome adversity. Parents can model that and they do model that often after divorce. If that happens, children can be better off.

Clarke-Stewart: Even though, I would say for every kid there is going to be a difficult transitional time. I think for every single kid. There's no totally painless way for children to experience their parents splitting up. But it can be over, and they can learn from it and they can recover.

Source: Post by Jeffrey Lalloway of the California Divorce and Family Law, which cited "Torn Asunder: Coping with Divorce" by Theresa Walker in The Orange County Register.

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Did you know that today (April 25th) is Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting Awareness Day? You can visit www.parental-alienation-awareness.com for much more information on this syndrome. From their website:

Did You Know That... Parental Alienation is a form of Child Abuse?

Parental alienation involves the systematic brainwashing and manipulation of children with the sole purpose of destroying a loving and warm relationship they once shared with a parent.

Parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting deprives children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents. These selfish, vindictive and malicious actions by the alienating parent (the parent who is responsible for the manipulations and brainwashing) is considered a form of child abuse - as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety.

Most people do not know about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting until they experience it. Parental Alienation Awareness Day is put forth to help raise awareness about this growing problem of mental and emotional child abuse seen mostly in cases of divorce or separation.

Source: www.parental-alienation-awareness.com

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How can you identify a spoiled child? In his article, "Spoiled Kids Don't Need Therapy," Gregory Ramey lists the following signs of a spoiled child:

• Rarely shows appreciation or says "thank you."
• Doesn't seem satisfied with whatever she gets.
• Asks frequently for things and gets upset if she doesn't immediately get them.
• Doesn't have any family responsibilities.
• Frequently complains about being treated unfairly.
• Rarely offers to help someone else.
• Expects others to accommodate her wants.
• Rarely compromises or shares with others.
• Has a "what's-in-it-for-me" attitude.

Mr. Ramey believes that spoiled children need firm parents who set loving limits and impose consequences for violating those limits. He wisely states that "sometimes being firm with children is the ultimate way to show your love and prepare them for the real world."

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Dr. Oren Hernandez, a Florida marriage counselor, developed an eight question "Divorce Test," which he claims can help determine if your marriage is on the right track. See what you think...

The questions:

1. Money is the number one cause of arguments in our relationship

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

2. Do you believe arguing is healthy?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

3. We have trouble communicating with each other.

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

4. I'm satisfied with our sex life.

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

5. I trust my spouse completely?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

6. Is taking time for myself in a marriage important?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

7. I am worried that my spouse has the potential to be unfaithful?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

8. Spirituality is important in our relationship?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

The Scoring:

• To score, count the number of `A's" you have as answers. A perfect score is all 'A's.

• If you scored between six and eight A's - Dr. Hernandez says - your relationship is in pretty good shape.

• If you score between four and six, Dr. Hernandez says there may be something you might want to look at. And four and below? Dr. Hernandez says, definitely question your spouse.

The key to any successful relationship is communication, by now your test results should have you and your spouse talking.

Source: "Area Couples Take the Divorce Test," KCBD NewsChannel 11, Lubbock, TX and "Divorce Test," posted by Grant Griffiths at the Kansas Family & Divorce Lawyer blog.

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I recommend the following article for your consideration:

When parents separate, they worry about the effect of their separation on the kids. Not only is there data to suggest that adults whose parents separated when they were children are at greater risk of divorce themselves, but also data that suggests the greater the parental conflict during separation, the greater the likelihood of negative outcomes for the children. The challenge for parents is determining their level of conflict and supporting their kids accordingly.

Parental conflict during separation can be categorized as low, medium and high.

• With low levels of conflict, parents are generally able to manage the separation process between themselves. These are parents who likely sit across from each other at the kitchen table and reasonably and rationally divide their assets and develop a plan between themselves for the ongoing care of the children. It doesn't quite matter what agreement they reach, the defining variable of low-level conflict is settling matters without outside support.

• Parents with medium levels of conflict find their behaviour degenerating when attempting to settle matters between themselves. Hence they require outside resources. The outside resources may include lawyers or a mediator and sometimes other friends, family or clergy. The defining variable of medium-level conflict is that parents are unable to settle without support, but given the support, they do settle.

• Parents with high levels of conflict are unable to settle matters between themselves whether unassisted or assisted. Hence the defining variable of high-level conflict is when parents turn to the Courts to determine their settlement. Even if parents settle as a result of a settlement conference at Court, that they are before the Courts defines their conflict as high.

Some parents believe they shelter or protect their kids from the separation conflict. The truth of the matter is, the greater the conflict, the greater the stress upon the parents. The greater the stress, the more likely their stress will be picked up and experienced by the children. Hence it is a misnomer that parents can shelter their kids from such conflict. So the issue is less if they are sheltering the kids, but rather how they are helping the children cope through a conflicted separation process.

While some parents believe it is best to say nothing to their children, in fact, it is often better to acknowledge the stressors and difficulties. This can be done without bad-mouthing either parent, but simply acknowledging they have yet to come to an agreement. Kids can be helped to understand that even though the parents are in distress, they both still love the children and are working to resolve matters as best they can. The children can be told that when the parents are unable to resolve matters between themselves, they turn to outside help. The parents can tell their children they are turning to wise persons to help them decide what may be best. Children will have had similar experiences with their peers. They have had times when they have been upset and when teachers have come to their aid to help settle matters. This is a positive example. Similarly then and by the parental role model, children can be encouraged to discuss their feelings and when necessary, turn to outside support such as may be offered by a group for children whose parents are separating. At the very least and in view of the parental role model, children may be more apt to talk with a teacher or counsellor if distressed. As the kids then better manage their feelings, they can better concentrate on school work and other childhood tasks.

Parents are advised to do all they can to keep their conflict to a minimum and find ways to resolve matters as amicably as possible between themselves. When negotiating, whether through lawyers or mediators, be careful not to hold on too tightly to a specific position. Flexibility may hold the key to a settlement and a smoother transition for their children.

Source: "How Do You Rate Your Separation" by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW published at www.yoursocialworker.com.

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An upcoming book, Hugs to Heartbreak: A Parent's Journey Through Parental Alienation Syndrome discusses Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) from the perspectives of a severely alienated parent (Jeff Opperman) and a clinical psychologist (Dr. David Israel).

The book's introduction explains that PAS involves three crimes against the child:

1. The first crime is that the alienating parent doesn't acknowledge that every child is one-half of each parent. Every time the alienating parent tells the child how horrible the other parent is, the alienating parent is telling the child that half of him (or her) is horrible.

2. The second crime is that the alienating parent teaches the child that cutting off contact with people is an acceptable way to handle anger, hurt, and disappointment. The world is full of people. One day the child will be an adult. The child will grow up without the appropriate coping skills to have normal, healthy relationships with other adults.

3. The third crime is that one day the child will look back on the alienating parent's behavior from an adult perspective. He or she will then realize that the alienating parent robbed the child of something very precious - the love and attention of the other parent. The child-turned-adult will realize that the trust placed in the alienating parent was misplaced. He or she will feel betrayed. At that point the adult will not just have one damaged relationship with a parent, but damaged relationships with both parents.

Source: "The Three Crimes of PAS" posted at the Just Another Disenfranchised Father blog.

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Let's face it, sometimes there are cases that really should be resolved, but for one reason or another, they just can't be. This can be extremely frustrating for the skilled family law attorney, and it can also result in a case becoming (unnecessarily) expensive for the parties.

Jeffrey Behrendt of the Ottawa Divorce Blog recently published an article explaining the eight most common reasons this can happen. After each reason, I have listed both Mr. Behrendt's comments along with my own analysis.

1. The other divorce lawyer.

   Behrendt: I do agree with the common perception that lawyers can make things more difficult than need be. The reasons for this are somewhat complex. Some lawyers are overly aggressive. This isn't solely the lawyer's fault - clients going through a divorce often want their lawyer to be aggressive. Aggression isn't the only problem - an inexperienced lawyer may not be reasonable simply because they don't know what a local judge may decide.

   Stevens: The opposing attorney can make a world of difference in a case -- for better or for worse. In Family Court, each side has the ability to dictate to a certain degree how the case will be handled. Some attorneys rarely settle their cases, and every issue with them may be a battle. On the other hand, some attorneys have a reputation for folding as soon as the going gets tough. Some attorneys are more cooperative than others when it comes to producing necessary information. Since we cannot control whom the other side hires to represent him, we often have to play the hand we're dealt in this area.

2. Unreasonable clients.

   Behrendt: One thing about being a divorce lawyer is that even though you've dealt with a situation many times before, a client knows more about it because a friend of a friend said something. Whether you like what the law has to say or not, for most middle-class couples in fairly average situations, the law is pretty clear. But it can be difficult to resolve a case if one spouse doesn't agree with what the law is. (As a side note, I agree that in a lot of cases, the result isn't fair, but that's a political, not a legal, issue).

   Stevens: All clients bring their unique life experiences and expectations to their case. Some people cannot be pleased under any circumstances, and they should be avoided as clients at all costs. When I meet with a new person for a consultation, one of the key things I want to accomplish is to determine what sort of client he/she will be. If I do not like the person's attitude or personality, I will not represent them -- no matter how high the fee may be. Having reasonable clients is one of the things that I enjoy most about my work, and I am not willing to compromise on this issue.

3. Child Custody Disputes.

   Behrendt: In most cases, you can say it's just money, and move on. With the children, you can't do this. Custody disputes are one of the most difficult types of case to settle.

   Stevens: Custody cases are certainly complex and difficult, and many times they cannot be settled -- especially when both sides genuinely and legitimately want full custody of the same child. 'Tis has been the case since the times of King Solomon.

4. Delay.

   Behrendt: It's usually in one spouse's interest (normally the payor) to delay settlement, even if it is just a matter of postponing the inevitable, while it's best for the other spouse (normally the recipient) to resolve things as quickly as possible. Add in delays because each spouse's lawyer is busy at a different time and it's no surprise that divorce cases aren't resolved quickly.

   Stevens: With apologies to Mick Jagger, time is almost always on someone's side in family court cases. In custody cases, the party with temporary custody is certainly in no rush to get to a final hearing where he/she may risk losing it. Sometimes, one party simply does not want the marriage to end, and that party does not want the divorce hearing to ever actually happen. Some attorneys want to keep the litigation going on because that way his/her fees continue to grow.

5. Revenge.

   Behrendt: Often the divorce process is used as a way of getting revenge on a spouse. Yes, you really can make you're spouse's life miserable through the divorce process if you wish to. And despite the high financial cost of doing this, many people choose to go this route. This is particularly the case where one spouse has had an affair.

   Stevens: Amen, brother. I have actually had potential clients tell me "I want you to make my spouse's life hell in this case." They see the potential of abusing the legal process to satisfy their twisted desire to get back at their spouse, and certainly things such as depositions, discovery, etc. could be used toward that end.

6. Legally Aided Spouse.

   Behrendt: Normally, high legal fees are an incentive to settle a divorce case quickly. Every dollar in legal fees is a dollar that is taken away from the children and from both spouses. However, where one spouse is legally aided and the other one isn't, one spouse bears all the financial consequences of a divorce battle while the other's finances aren't affected.

   Stevens: Many times, the spouse with financial means will attempt to outspend or wait out the spouse without them. There is almost always some disparity in resources, and that aspect must be analyzed early and often in such cases.

7. Spouse Not Working.

   Behrendt: Where one spouse isn't working - say they're a homemaker or disabled - I've found that cases are much more difficult to resolve. The non-working spouse seems to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the divorce case, and coming up with ways to make it complicated.

   Stevens: This is very insightful observation by Mr. Behrendt, and I believe he makes a good point. Sometimes it is good for a party to have a job and other responsibilities/obligations to keep his/her mind from obsessing about the divorce case. If a party has nothing to do but focus on his/her problems, the divorce (as with any other stressful situation) can become overwhelming.

8. Interference from family.

   Behrendt: I've had a number of cases where I think that the two spouses could actually work things out amicably - maybe even without the help of divorce lawyers. But there is a meddlesome family member who just won't let this happen, and who seems to have a large influence in one spouse's life. I find that this is particularly the case for younger couples, who probably still have a closer attachment to their parents than do older couples. It is also particularly prevalent in couples of Far Eastern origin where family has quite a different role and meaning in their lives than for people who are born and raised in Canada.

   Stevens: Younger clients, typically in their early to mid-20's, are particularly susceptible to this type of interference. Parents, older siblings, or others may think that they are trying to help "protect" the client, but often they are only agitating an already tense situation. In other cases, third-parties sometimes manipulate parties to further their own agendas.

Source: "8 Roadblocks to Settling Your Divorce" by Jeffrey Behrendt published at the Ottawa Divorce Blog.

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The Spartanburg Herald-Journal published an article yesterday which strongly recommends that those planning to marry ask themselves and their future spouses certain questions before marriage -- whether it's their first marriage or not. Yes, these questions are intrusive, difficult, and uncomfortable, but considering them prior to marriage may be the best thing you can do for yourself (and your marriage).

"In their rush down the aisle, couples often think that love will overcome any disagreements about saving and spending. It doesn't. And so even among the most compatible couples, the prewedding vow of personal-finance silence eventually leads to frustration, fights and power struggles." The author's suggested questions are:

1. What are your financial assets and liabilities?
2. How do you use debt?
3. What is your money history?
4. Do we need a prenup?
5. What are your financial aspirations?
6. What are your career expectations?
7. How do you propose we divide financial duties?
8. Will we operate from one checkbook or three?
9. Do you have a basic understanding of money?

Source: "Love & Money" by Jeff D. Opdyke at the Wall Street Journal online.

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In an important decision earlier this week, the U.S. Supreme Court significantly narrowed police search powers by ruling that officers cannot search a residence without a warrant unless both spouses agree to let them do so. In other words, if one occupant tells them no, the search is unconstitutional without a warrant.

The Court was sharply divided on this 5-3 opinion, with the majority portraying it as striking a blow for privacy rights and gender equality, while the dissenters said it could undermine police efforts against domestic violence. You can read more about this case, Georgia v. Randolph, at:

• The New York Times
  
• The Boston Globe
  
• Jurist Legal News & Research
  
• New Jersey Family Law blog

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Today, I reprint the following post from my friend and fellow blogger, Michael Sherman, because he hits the nail squarely and firmly on its head:

If you have read this blog for any length of time, then you know that one of the issues that drove me to and sustains me in practicing family law is my desire to reduce the pain of divorce on children. Often the parents get so caught up in the emotion of the divorce, they overlook the effect that their behavior is having on their children.

In this article in the Kansas City Star, Gary Kretchmer, director of domestic relations division in Johnson County Missouri, outlines the worst things and the best things that divorcing parents can do to a child. His advice and experience echoes mine, and I commend it to any parent that is going through a divorce. Keep it in mind and your children will benefit greatly. Ignore it and they will suffer the consequences.

Worst things a divorcing parent can do to a child:


• Criticize the other parent.
  
• Make the child feel guilty for loving the other parent.
  
• Use the child to spy on the other parent.
  
• Ask the child to serve as a messenger to the other parent.

Best things a divorcing parent can do for a child:

• Respect the other parent.
• Use a cooperative rather than competitive spirit with the other parent.
• Try to rebuild at least a level of trust.
• Work on communicating well.

Source: Advice for Divorcing Parents published by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog.

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