South Carolina Family Law Blog : Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Turnipseed, Brannon & Stevens Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

Most everyone would agree that it is a good idea to shield children from most parental conflict. Nevertheless, there are many times during and after divorces when children get drawn into family disputes and end up in the middle, with both sides pulling on them. The following is a brief list of 5 "Don’ts" and a "Do" that may help avoid such situations.

1. Don’t ask the children to decide. In the heat of family disagreements, it may seem simple or fair to just let the children decide where they want to live, or what visitation schedule they want to follow, etc.; parents may feel that’s like having a neutral person make the decision. Unfortunately, that puts a lot of pressure on the children and sets them up for guilt feelings and/or angry parents.
2. Don’t disparage the other parent or his/her family. This can be by direct comments made to a child or it can be done indirectly, such as comments made to others, but overheard by a child. It can also include body language and gestures that indicate disapproval or other bad opinions of the other parent. A child will likely take such actions or words as an attack on him or her.
3. Don’t argue around the kids. Disagreements are normal, even in well-functioning, intact families. Discussions and arguments between adults should take place just between adults, if at all possible. The kids don’t need to be drawn in or manipulated by the situations.
4. Don’t ask the children about the other parent. It’s not necessary for you to know everything that goes on when your children are with the other parent. Children will often tell about things they enjoyed or about big events, good or bad. Children don’t like being grilled about what happens when they visit their other parent.
5. Don’t use the children as messengers. If you want to send a message to the other parent, talk directly by phone or in person, send a letter or send an email. Kids aren’t always dependable anyway. And if you send a message by the children and then the other parent reacts badly when the message is delivered, the children are likely going to feel that they caused the problem.

Finally, something you can Do:

Do take a co-parenting class, preferably with the other parent. There are several good classes available in this area in person and even on line. I recommend the "in-person" class because you can learn more and get specific questions answered.

If you can avoid the temptation to put your children in the middle of adult disputes, your children will be happier and you should have better relationships with them (and maybe the other parent as well). If both parents will take a co-parenting class, all of this advice may be unnecessary!

Source:  "How to Keep Your Child Out of the Middle" by Dick Price, published at his Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County, Texas blog.

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Some men were recently discussing what advice fathers should give to their sons in response to the question, "How do I learn to be a man?”  From this discussion arose the words of wisdom below from my friend and fellow blogger, Michael Jeffcoat.  I obtained permission from Michael to publish his answer here, because I believe it will benefit fathers and sons everywhere:

Here is what I think defines a Man: 

• A Man is grounded in a crystal clear sense of morality.
• A Man strives for excellence in his chosen work.
• A Man has invested the time and effort to become good at the things he chooses to do. By doing so, a boy creates for himself what every Man has – confidence.
• A Man understands that he can do almost anything in life, but he cannot do everything.
• A Man is decisive. He makes a decision and he acts.
• A Man decides on what he wants. He knows what he wants.
• A Man is thoughtful, but he does not hesitate. He does not hem and haw.
• A Man is direct and honest, not only with others but especially with himself.
• A Man is never coy.
• A Man does not gossip.
• A Man is not physically intimidated by any other human being on the planet.
• A Man looks you in the eye.
• A Man has a strong handshake.
• A Man stands up straight.
• A Man is comfortable expressing his feelings.
• A Man expresses his anger without violence.
• A Man can admit when he is wrong.
• A Man would never physically harm a woman.
• A Man is resilient.
• A Man pushes past fears. When they come, he will still do what needs to be done. This makes him stronger and stronger.
• A Man knows that he will survive in the end.
• A Man withstands rough times. He knows that today may be cloudy, but the sun will come out eventually.
• A Man has made some stupid mistakes. He learned from them, and chose not to repeat them.
• A Man takes full responsibility for his life. He doesn’t wait around for things to get better. He goes out and makes them better.
• A Man welcomes failure and rejection from time to time, because those things will come sometimes when he puts himself out there, and “goes for it.”
• A Man knows who he is.

Source:  Michael R. Jeffcoat, Esquire of the Truck Accident Lawyer Blog (used with permission)

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What should you do for Halloween in order for everyone to have a good time, despite the fact that you're no longer living in the same house together as a family?  Divorce360.com compiled the following tips from several experts to help with this situation:

1. Keep children informed. Let the child know ahead of time what will happen on the holiday "so that different expectations will not arise," Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. said.
2. Don't put the kids in the middle.  Don't ask, 'Do you want to spend Halloween at my house of your mom's (or dad's)?', " said Jann Blackstone Ford, Ph.D.. "That approach tests your child's allegiance. Better to ask, 'Where would you like to spend Halloween?"'
3. Share your children.  "If possible, see if you can share the time during a holiday so that all participate. Perhaps each parent can take half of the time. Or, for Halloween, for example, perhaps one parent can get the costumes and dress the child and the other parent go with them for the trick and treating," Dr. Shoshanna said.
4. Treat the other parent well.  According to Dr. Shoshanna, it is "very helpful for children to see that their parents are treating one another respectuflly during holiday times (as always). Don't use this occasion to reminisce about the pass or say negative things about your ex."
5. Make your own plans.  If you're a parent who is alone during a holiday, don't make a big deal about it or create upset about it in the child. Find a friend to share the time with. Or, use the time to volunteer and be with others. "You don't want to child to feel that they're enjoying the holiday while the other parent is sad or alone," Dr. Shoshanna said. "This may create guilt in them and prevent them from having a good time."

Source: "Parenting: Tips to Help You and your Ex Make this Halloween Fun for the Kids" by Divorce360.com.

 

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I explain to my clients that a divorce is like a death – the death of a relationship.  As such, everyone deals with it in different ways, with some quickly accepting its reality, while others struggle to accept what is happening.

Some might think that a professional broadcaster, someone who talks for a living, would be more comfortable than the average man while testifying at his divorce hearing.  However, as evidenced in CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz's recent divorce, that is not always the case.

Clutching a pair of reading glasses in his hands, the 50-year-old Nantz teared up at times as he described his wife's foibles that he claims led up to the breakdown of their marriage.

"In 2004, I got the Man of the Year award from the New York Athletic Club. Rudy Giuliani had been the previous year's winner and it really meant a lot to me," he said, his eyes welling with tears. "My mother flew in from Houston, but Lorrie wasn't there." Nantz said he was given an oil portrait of himself at the dinner, but Lorrie wouldn't let him hang it in their Westport home. It ended up in a warehouse," he lamented.

The trial over, Lorrie Nantz stood in the lobby of the courthouse sobbing. Stepping from the elevator, her husband saw her standing there alone and walked over and put his arms around her. Together they stood, arms wrapped around each other, sobbing.

When a couple has been married for a long time, like the Nantzs' 26 years, they usually care deeply for each other, even if they can no longer live together and continue their marriage.  I have seen many divorced couples hug when they left the Courtroom and their case was concluded.  Sometimes, it's helpful for those going through a divorce to remember moments like these.

Source:  "Play-by-Play Gets Tearful in CBS Sportscaster's Divorce Trial" by Daniel Tepfer, published in The Advocate.

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Conventional wisdom has always thought that living together before marriage increases a couple's chances of divorce, and several studies have reached the same conclusion.  However, a new study published in the National Council of Family Relations claims that cohabiting allows young people to get to know their potential mates and evaluate compatibility before they commit to marriage.

Pamela Smock, a University of Michigan sociologist and co-author of this study, said "People want to marry, but they aren't going to do it without finding out enough about the person they are thinking about marrying.  They want to find out all the secrets and all the things that might be deal-breakers in order to avoid the risk of divorce."

Source:  "Cohabitating May Not Increase Risk of Divorce" by Kim Kozlowski, published in The Detroit News.

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Difficult conversations are virtually inevitable when couples divorce.  The following steps can help keep those tough conversations productive and not combative:

1. Decide on a realistic outcome. Remember, you and your counterpart may want different things. Think about your desired outcome rather than accomplishing everything on your personal agenda.
2. Focus on the future. What is your ultimate goal? Describe it and the benefits of your vision.  Explain how you'd like to work with your former significant other going forward.
3. Identify what's in the way. With the future as your backdrop, articulate what is interfering with reaching the goal. This helps to keep the conversation away from personal barbs and focused on making positive changes.

Source:  "3 Steps to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation" published at Harvard Business Publishing.

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A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who live together before marriage have a higher chance of getting divorced than those who wait until they were engaged or married.  It also stated that couples who lived together before marrying reported lower marriage satisfaction, despite the fact that over 70 percent of couples in the United States live together before marrying.

Meanwhile, a study in the Journal of Family Issues, analyzed the reasons why couples chose to live together.  The most common answer was because they wanted to spend more time together, followed by convenience, followed by testing the relationship. What do you think?  Does living together before marriage increase or decrease the chances that a couple will later divorce?

Source:  "Living Together Before Marriage Ups Chance of Divorce: Study" published at AFP; "DU study: Living together before marriage causes problems" by Jeffrey Wolf, published at 9News.com; and "Live-In Lovers Have 'Unhealthy' Marriage" published at The Times of India.

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So what do teens really think when their parents divorce?  The Today Show recently had a panel discussion with nine teenagers addressing such subjects as: When did you know? Did you think it's your fault? Were you relieved when you found out? How did your parents explain the divorce to you?  How long did it take you to come to grips with the divorce?  It is a very interesting discussion, and I hope that you enjoy it.

 

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The Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina has many great resources on its website.  One of the best is "A Teen Guide to Divorce, Surviving Your Parent's Divorce", a free E-Book that helps teens sort through the issues that they often face in these situations.  

This 24 page E-Book addresses the following topics:

• Background Facts About Divorce and Custody
• Common Reactions to Divorce
• Mistakes Your Parents Make
• How To Talk To Your Parents
• Examples / Stories from Several Teens
• Other Resources

I have read this e-book, and I highly recommend it.  You can download your free copy of "A Teen Guide to Divorce, Surviving Your Parent's Divorce" by clicking HERE.

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When spouses get divorced, they usually end their relationship with their former in-laws.  However, if there are children involved, it is not always easy (or advisable) to do so.  Under normal circumstances, children benefit from relationships with both sides of their family.  So what's the best way to go about encouraging and fostering their relationship with your former spouse's family? Consider the following suggestions:

• Maintaining contact creates stability, and grandparents and other family members can help provide emotional support and the sense of belonging to children after a divorce.
• Although the grandparents may have taken your spouse's side during the divorce and you may be angry, remember it isn’t about you – it is about your children.
• When your children see they are still allowed to attend functions with both sides of their family, they will realize that although some things have changed, not everything has.
• Remember that the bond between grandparents and their grandchildren is special, and your children need the love and warmth their grandparents offer.
• Even if you can’t stand being around your in-laws, don’t cut them down in front of your children.
• Grandparents can give you a break from time to time, by keeping the children for a weekend or maybe even taking them on a little vacation.
• Grandparents may even be able to help a little financial help by taking the kids shopping for school clothes or treating them to a movie or lunch.

Source:  "Single-Parenting Challenge: Dealing with Former In-Laws" published at Dummies.com.

 

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Raising kids with an ex-wife or ex-husband is rarely easy, especially if your split was less than amicable. However, you don’t have to let your past affect your current actions towards your children’s other parent.  Here are some tips that can help you manage a good relationship or just keep things running smoothly:

1. Keep emotions in check. There may be some lingering anger, sadness and resentment among you, but your kids have already been enough. Give them the benefit of parents that work together instead of yelling, fighting and name-calling.
2. Think about the kids. At the end of the day, your children are what really matter, not your own personal feelings towards your former spouse. No matter what kind of disputes come up – from where to spend holidays to disputes over money – put aside what you want or need and take the time to consider your children’s desires and best interests.
3. Communicate. It will be very difficult for either of you to be effective parents if you do not communicate information to one another. Whether it’s sharing news about school events or updates on your child’s health, make sure you share all important information with the other parent.
4. Be businesslike. You are no longer married, but you still have to interact with your ex for the sake of your kids. It can sometimes be helpful to stop thinking about your relationship in personal terms and start thinking about it in more professional ones, seeing your ex as a partner in the business of raising happy, healthy children.
5. Don’t badmouth. You have little to gain and a lot to lose when you choose to say hurtful things about your ex in front of your children. Your children may be well aware of the reasons why you and your former spouse do not get along, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep dragging them out. Even if you no longer love your ex, your children still do, and they deserve an environment that doesn’t attempt to manipulate or deride those feelings.

Relationships between former spouses are hardly ever without their trials and tribulations, but if you stick to focusing on your kids and doing your best to give them all the opportunities and assurances they need, you’ll be much better off than being in a relationship that’s mired in conflict and animosity.

This Guest Post was written by Kathleen Baker, who writes about ultrasound tech schools. She welcomes your feedback at KathleenBaker3212@gmail.com.

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Children often fear they will "lose" one of their parents in a divorce.  Here are a few tips to help reduce that concern when telling your children about your decision to get a divorce:

• Agree on what you’re going to say.  You and your spouse should discuss and determine what you are going to say before talking to your children. This will help ensure that you don’t contradict each other when discussing this decision.
• Tell them as a couple.  You should make every effort to do so, even if it requires putting your animosity aside for a while.  By doing this, you will convey to the children that, although your marriage may be ending, you can cooperate as their parents, and that they still have a family – just a different kind of family.
• Play fair with each other.  You should both agree that when talking to the children, you will not play the "blame game" or encourage your children to side with one parent over the other one.
• Be honest, realistic, and avoid emotions.  Try to be honest about why you are getting divorced, while keeping the children’s ages in mind and avoiding sordid details behind the separation.  Reassure your children that the divorce has nothing to do with them.  Try not to get emotional when you tell your children about your divorce, because it can be frightening for children to see a parent cry or get very upset.
• Help them absorb the news.  It can sometimes help to give your children a little extra attention after telling them of the decision to divorce.  Be sure to let your children’s teacher or childcare provider know what is going on.  If the children need more help, consider involving a professional counselor.
• Watch your own behavior around your children.  Don’t fight with your spouse or say negative things about your spouse to the children or in hearing range of your children.   Avoid making your children your confidantes or your comforter.  Don’t interfere with your children’s relationship with your spouse.

Source:  "Telling Your Children about the Divorce", published at Dummies.com.

 

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One of the most important tools for making cooperative parenting work and, for that matter, negotiating any issues in a divorce or raising any matters of concern is to discuss them in a reasonable and non-accusatory manner. In her excellent book, "Mom's House, Dad's House," Dr. Isolina Ricci, suggests applying what she refers to as basic "parent-business principles," when relating to one another. One of these principles is keeping your feelings in check. In a business relationship, feelings may run high, but good business people understand that feelings should not get in the way of negotiating solutions to problems. If many spouses talked to their bosses the way they talk to their partners, they'd be fired on the spot.

In a business relationship one of the keys to success is to be solution focused instead of focusing on blame or past mistakes. For example, if a couple are negotiating how they should share taking children to after school activities, it is more productive if the parties focus on working out a plan that realistically accommodates their schedules and provides certainty for the children than trading accusations about how one parent was always too busy to get involved before the divorce and why are they now suddenly showing an interest.

However, applying "parent-business principles" is often easier said than done when the relationship has broken down in a hail of accusations and re-criminations and your ex-partner knows exactly what buttons to push. Even in the best relationships reasonable demands (e.g. How many times do I have to ask you to...) can be met with tit-for-tat accusations in which there is no winner. In a divorce situation, especially where children are involved, acrimonious conflict serves no-ones best interests. While you cannot change the past, you can change the way you communicate.

One of the reasons dialogue gets out of control lies in the way requests are made. They often involve you statements which feel like a first line of attack and invite defensiveness or a counteroffensive. They are guaranteed to start an argument.

"Polite Requests" involving I statements are a way of making a non-threatening requests for change. They begin with an "I" statement where you identify and take responsibility for your feelings and thoughts. They are an integral part of making a "Polite Request."

YOU STATEMENT = "You are always late".

I STATEMENT = "I get very frustrated when I have to wait for you."

"I feel/felt ______________________ (insert feeling or word)
when __________________________ (this happens)
and what I'd like is _________________ (insert your request)

This is what an "I" statement sounds like:

• "I feel angry when you let our son watch R-rated moves, and what I'd like is for you to leave him with me when you want to go to an adult movie."
• "I feel worried when Tasha comes home smelling of smoke and what I'd like is for you to consider smoking outside."

If the going gets tough and meaningful and courteous communication becomes difficult or breaks down, Dr. Ricci makes the following suggestions to minimize conflict:

• Make communications direct and formal and if necessary use email or leave voice messages.
• Keep the agenda to what is best for the children.
• Avoid the temptation to push buttons.
• Try to acknowledge the other parents positive contributions.
• Do your job as a parent, let him or her do their job as a parent.
• Be reliable and live up to your side of the bargain. Do what you are going to say.
• Be flexible. If he or she wants something, maybe you can trade.
• If communications fails, use a mediator!

Source: "How to Communicate During and After the Divorce Process" by Warren R. Shiell, published at the Los Angeles Divorce and Family Law blog.

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If you have a friend or family member that is a single mother, you may want to consider one of the following gift ideas for her. Most of these gifts are free, and I'm sure that they would be well received and much appreciated by her:

• A weekend of baby-sitting. Single moms often have very little “me” time. You can get creative and make your own baby-sitting coupon and put it in a card.
• Offer to take some pictures of your friend with her little one, and create a photo collage. It’s nice to have someone capture some of those everyday moments.
• A manicure and pedicure gift certificate. (Again, offer to baby-sit so she doesn’t have to take her kids to the salon)
• Get a calendar and fill it with free summer activities for kids happening in her area. Every time that mom is short of ideas she can reach for the calendar.
• A CD or downloads of inspirational songs that celebrate motherhood.
• Offer to help her organize something like homework, bills, or even junk mail. She might appreciate having someone she trusts help her purge.
• Cook a few family size meals and put them in her freezer.

Source: "Mother's Day: Gift Ideas for a Single Mom" by Georgia East, published at Moms & Dads: A Parenting Blog.

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The following Guest Post is from Julie Thompson:

Earlier this month Good Morning America presented a report called “Do You Need a Marital Checkup?”  It cited the research of James Cordova, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts. Cordova said that an annual marriage checkup is the marital health equivalent of the annual physical or the every six-month dental visit.  Like a tiny dental cavity you can’t see, “so much is what is predictive of a deteriorating relationship is difficult for the couple to detect.” That’s where the checkup comes in.

• A couples communication workshop introduces communication tools that help couples to improve their emotional connection. They learn to listen with empathy, reduce misunderstanding, and resolve conflict in healthy ways. 
• A relationship assessment from PREPARE-ENRICH can help couples to identify strengths and areas needing growth. 
• A coaching session helps couples set goals for improvement in their relationship, and provides support and accountability for making healthy changes.

 

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Many times, interaction with your former spouse doesn't end just because you get divorced.  In fact, if you have children, you are almost guaranteed to have to interact with your former spouse whether you want to or not.  In some situations though, former spouses can take advantage of each other, which can create resentment and bitterness.  

If your ex-husband or ex-wife still acts as though you're still married, you may want to consider the following suggestions to help establish clear boundaries to help solve or prevent such problems:

• Establish guidelines, in writing if necessary.
• Create truly separate households.
• Build a strong support system outside of your former marriage.
• Recognize when severing emotional ties has become too daunting and get professional help.

Source:  "We're Divorced -- You're Not My Friend" by Ron Dicker, published at CNN.com.

 

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In my opinion, one of the very best family law bloggers is Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog.  All of his posts are intelligent, well written, and thought provoking.  Fortunately for him, Michael is blessed with a very successful practice, but that's unfortunate for his readers because he is not able to post as many articles as we'd like.

Michael published an article last week which listed the following five problems that contribute to divorce along with his suggestions on dealing with each of them.  I have summarized his list below, but I encourage you to visit his blog and read his full post:

1. Money  ::  Try to get on the same page early, be fair about how the money is controlled, and attempt to understand and accommodate your spouse’s views on money.
2. Communication  ::  Communicate deeply and often with your spouse.
3. Lack of Commitment  ::  Don't be too self absorbed or tied to instant gratification.
4. Physical Addictions   ::  Intervene early and get professional help if your spouse has a substance abuse problem.
5. Sex  ::  Infidelity is generally a sign of other problems in the marriage, not the original problem. 

Source:  "Marriage Advice from a Divorce Lawyer?" by Michael Sherman, published at his Alabama Family Law Blog.

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The following article is from one of our regular guest columnists, Dr. Trey Kuhne:

As many of you may already know, good communication is one of the key elements in a happy marriage and functional family system. Good communication is not just a necessity in families. It is vital that good communication take place at work, in your church, and within relationships. Never assume that the other person(s) understand unless it comes directly from you. Below is a rather lengthy but funny example of the need for good face to face communication.

As I understand, the following came from a reprint from an exchange within a London Hotel that was printed in the London Sunday Times, though I have been unable to confirm that. It was sent to me via email by a friend years ago and I have kept a copy of it to share here.

What to do with Hotel Soap?

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London Hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

-------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only 3 bars I left today of which my instruction from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

---------------------------

Continue Reading...

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If you want to improve your communication with your significant other, you might be interested in an upcoming communication workshop that will be conducted here in Spartanburg by Julie Thompson of Roots and Wings Workshops and Coaching, Inc. on November 7-8, 2008.

The PAIRS® Essentials workshop is described as follows:

This fun, interactive workshop introduces married couples of all ages to PAIRS® skill-based relationship education. In a relaxed classroom setting, a brief lecture is presented on a variety of marriage topics, followed by practical, usable skills to enhance communication. This is followed by "couple time" where partners get to practice new skills under the guidance of the instructor.

All exercises are voluntary, and no one ever has to speak in front of a group unless they choose to share.  Couples will learn how to turn conflict into connection, listen with empathy, confide safely, complain lovingly, and keep a sense of humor.

This workshop will be held in the Library/Conference Room at St. Matthew's Episcopal Church from 6:30 - 9:30 p.m. on Friday, November 7th, and 9 a.m. - 12 p.m. on Saturday, November 8th.  The cost is only $100 per couple, which includes tuition, snacks, and all printed materials.  If you want more information or to register, click HERE.

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Parenthood sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be - especially for step-parents, who are often the unsung heroes of blended families.  These step-parents face multiple challenges, as they frequently must deal with rejection and parent effectively while preserving a loving relationship with his/her spouse.

To increase the chances of success for blended families, consider the following tips:

• The parents should inquire regularly about each other's feelings and be ready to listen without getting defensive or unduly upset with the children.
• The parents should establish clear behavioral expectations and communicate them to the children. They should do this together and make sure both parents' commitment to the plan is clear to the children.
• The parents should anticipate the children's reactions to these behavioral expectations and decide how to manage them.
• The parents should impose predetermined consequences whenever children act out. If the misbehavior seems related to the divorce, address the issues directly.
• The parents should articulate the specific role the step-parent wishes to play.
• The step-parent should explain he/she will parent but has no intention of trying to replace or be more powerful than the child's birth parent. If teenage children are blended into the family, the step-parent should consider a style more like that of an aunt, uncle, or teacher.
• The step-parent should not criticize a birth parent. When a child begins to make comparisons, a step-parent should simply state that this is how he/she has decided to do things in his/her home.
• The step-parent should establish cordial relations with the birth parent and cooperate when practical. If children see their step-parent and birth parent getting along, they will accept the step-parent more readily.
• The step-parent should try not to take rejection personally. All children test parents and periodically push them away as a means of seizing power in the relationship or proving parents mean what they say.
• The step-parent should do things with the stepchildren that are mutually enjoyable and try to spend time with them individually. Make sure the child knows this time is important to the step-parent.

Source:  "Stepmothers Also Deserve Respect, Gratitude" by Dennis O'Brien, published at the Warrenton Journal.

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The following article is from one of our regular guest columnists, Dr. Trey Kuhne:

A few months ago, a friend sent this to me through the email. I am uncertain who the original author is but was moved so much by it that I thought it might be an encouragement to parents who wonder if their children are ever watching them or not? It is called “When you thought I wasn’t looking.” Take a brief read.

"When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking" by a child

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God!

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I! saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

As children, we saw just about everything our parents did and said and we modeled ourselves  after them, good, bad and indifferent.  Now as parents, you are worried about everything you do because you realize that your children are watching you! Your children deserve excellent parents!

Dads, let your children see you loving and kissing mom, let them see how a man loves a woman with respect.  Dads, let your children observe how you handle difficulties and come to consensus in matters of disagreement.

Moms, let your children see and experience you praising Dad for his love, leadership, and faithfulness to God. Moms, let your children observe how you make decisions, how you consider different possibilities and derive solutions.

Let your children hear your prayers out loud. Let your children see you disagree and then come to consensus again. Teach your children through modeling the kind of behavior that you appreciate so much in your life.

Basically what I am saying is to not withhold from your children the experience of life. They are going to experience it at school, in sports, and with their friends and what better way for them to get it right by experiencing it through the two (or one) of you.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is final installment in our exclusive online presentation of "How to Be Told by Your Children That You Are So Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I would like to again thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to present his series to you on my blog.  If you missed it, you can use these links to read Part One and Part Two.  Without further adieu, here is Part Three:

9. Believe that children want rules to guide them. Allow children to paint you as the “bad guy.” Rule number 1 in parenting is to be consistent in love, nurture, and discipline. Rule number 2 is not to set out to create your child into your best friend. Your child’s job is to learn, grow, have fun, and follow the rules and (hopefully) mature. Your job is to foster a healthy family environment for love to nurture one another. Your job is to maintain a loving and healthy relationship with your spouse that helps maintain that healthy family environment for love to nurture one another. In order to have all this “healthiness” you have to have a game plan, some sort of guiding map to help navigate your way. Your parents may have taught you their “way” to a working family. Regardless of what “way” you will lead your family, it is vital to have some guiding rules, principles, and values from the beginning until they leave they home. So, for them to make it to age 18 I suggest that you adopt the position that your children want and need rules to guide them.

10. Remember that teenagers need parental supervision as much as toddlers do. It’s just a different kind.  The theme here is that teenagers need direction, guidance, structure and supervision to understand how to be an adult. Toddlers have to have supervision in order to protect them from harming themselves unknowingly, to help feed them and nurture them to healthiness, and to aid them in understanding life as they grow. Same is true for older children. In reality, even adults need supervision at times! Be careful not to skirt your supervisory role in your child or teenagers life!

11. If necessary, love your children enough to let them hate you – for a while. When you child tells you in frustration that they “hate” you it actually can be a healthy coping mechanism for their frustrations because in doing so they are expressing deepened emotions. Also, as a parent, you know that those emotions change ever so quickly and the next moment your “parent hater” child is asking for money to go to the movies!

12. Know that children are never too big for a hug – even when they are grown. I strongly encourage spouses to show PDA around their children often. Of course, be sensitive to your child’s age and experience level but please do let them see you showing love and affection to one another. Hug your children and help them understand what important role affection plays in relationships. Hug them when they are young and hug them when they are old. Isn’t it a meaningful experience when your parents hug you now?

And now for some wise advice from Scripture:

Proverbs 4 (NIV)
1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
       pay attention and gain understanding.
2 I give you sound learning,
       so do not forsake my teaching.
3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
       still tender, and an only child of my mother,
4 he taught me and said,
       "Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
       keep my commands and you will live.
5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
       do not forget my words or swerve from them.
6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
       love her, and she will watch over you.
7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
       Though it cost all you have, [a] get understanding.
8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
       embrace her, and she will honor you.
9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
       and present you with a crown of splendor."
10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
       and the years of your life will be many.
11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
       and lead you along straight paths.
12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
       when you run, you will not stumble.
13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
       guard it well, for it is your life.

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is part two in the exclusive online presentation of "How to Be Told by Your Children That You Are So Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  Thanks to Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to once again present his series to you on my blog.  If you missed it, you can read Part One by clicking HERE, and this is Part Two:

This week we continue this 3 part series with the next four easy steps to provide consistency and structure to the home world.  My title for this series, “How to be told by your children that you are so Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps” was actually a comment that one 14 year old child said one day as we were discussing these things with his parents in the therapy session. His reply was, “Mom and Dad, you both are so Not Cool if you listen to this man!” Thus the title. Don’t worry, I was quickly told the next session that I was a cool counselor by this same young man.

I hope these little small snippets of truth will be valuable to you as parents as you find creative ways to be the very best parents possible to your children. They deserve it! And now on to steps 5-8:

5. Be aware that many in the community put children’s buying power above children’s well-being. Don’t expect the community to reinforce (your) family values. Though you may have Christian friends with similar values, the community-at-large is not in agreement with how you may raise your children. From cell phones, to clothes, to gadgets, your children will always want for what the community tells them they should want for. As the parents, you both can set limits and direct your child’s understanding of money, tithing, giving, management, and monetary power.

6. Clearly state consequences of failure to follow family rules. Consequences are not
negotiable. Failure to be crystal clear with your children leads them to begin ASSUMING what you mean. Though the wages of sin is death and the consequences of family disobedience is NOT death, make your children aware of what the consequences are to their disobedience to the family rules. Do not feel sorry for your children or give in when you are compared to other parents that are “way less strict.” The grass is not always greener on the other side. Those “less strict” parents may be struggling too.

7. Enforce stated consequences when family rules are broken. Children who don’t follow family rules today may break society’s laws tomorrow. Many of the post baby-boomer generation wanted to make sure they fixed everything in their children that their parents did wrong in them (Please read this line again!). Yet I bet that most of the parents reading this remember well the corrections their parents made in their behavior. How else does a child learn unless consequences are enforced? Be willing to be the Bad Guy/Gal. Seek support from other parents when you feel you are being attacked/punished by your children for requiring your children to honor/follow the family rules. Also remember that your local family therapist/pastoral counselor (me!) loves to help with these issues as well.

8. Don’t assume that the parents of all your children’s friends have the same family rules you do. Some have different rules, some have none. This is why one important part of your job as parent is to screen your children’s friends and their families. Just because little Mary likes a friend at school doesn’t mean that the friend can come over and disrespect you and your parental authority. I encourage parents to directly speak with the parents of the friends that your child chooses to hang with. There may come a time when you will need to confer with the other parents for some reason. Also, keeping good communication with the other parents may allow you to encourage them in your rules.

Well that’s all for now. See you next week with the last 4 steps to help the family run more smoothly and to enjoy the peace of structure!

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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I am pleased to bring you the exclusive online presentation of "How to Be Told by Your Children That You Are So Not Cool in 12 Easy Steps" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I will publish this three part series over the next few Wednesdays, and I hope that it is helpful to you.  I want to thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to once again present his series to you on my blog.  Here is Part One:

Having 18+ years of hands on real world experience being a child, I live in the awareness of the challenges my own parents experienced in raising me and my sister. With my own experience in hand and with a number of requests from young families in the community, I have set out for these next three weeks to offer some suggestions for parenting today’s child.

I have gleaned this information from various practical and clinical resources. One is a valuable resource called Parent Talk, a quarterly publication produced by the Health Resource Center in partnership with Spartanburg Regional Hospital System here in town. The other resource is the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I am a clinical member in practice.

In this three part series, I would like to offer 12 practical and clinically effective suggestions for parents and family members in raising, nurturing, and caring for your children. All of these suggestions agree with the Structural Family Therapy model that I teach and propose in my work in helping parents and families. So, without further ado, let’s get started:

1. Accept your role of parent as YOUR responsibility. You are the only parent(s) that your children have, though others can make it seem as if they could do a better job. Those “others” can’t do a better job because they are not you. God entrusted your children to no one else. Please accept this important role as your responsibility. Though society may expect school, church, clubs, and sports to parent your children, only you can really do it.

2. Make parenting a priority. Whether a surprise gift from God or a planned decision,  make your parenting a priority. Stick to consistent and effective parenting even when it is inconvenient and difficult. Seek help when it is needed. God did not intend for you to go about parenting alone. Extended family, the Body of Christ, and wise counsel are available to aid you and support you but you have to ask.

3. Educate yourself about the problems facing today’s children – those problems are
different from the problems you faced. There are similarities to your era but be aware of the differences. There are pressures that come to your children from many different sources compared to those that came in your time. From media sources to peer relationships, your children are constantly being bombarded with information demanding them to respond in various ways. Learn what they are experiencing as best you can. Learn first, then judge. Remember that knowledge is power!

4. Give clear messages about your expectations – Be specific about how you expect your children to behave. Parental inconsistency is the root of all evil! Parental inconsistency is the primary reason for family difficulties in children. Parents threaten and do not follow through. If you are not consistent in your parenting, it is difficult for your children to be consistent in their following. Define what you mean by “You must clean up your room!” Set measurable expectations that are not vague but clear for your children. Clarity helps your children know the boundaries of how far they can wander on their own. Clarity also help you as parents know where the boundaries are in the family.

See you next week with four more ways to be told by your children that you are So Not Cool!

Grace and Peace, 
Dr. Trey Kuhne

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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A mother in decided to sell her teenager's car after discovering alcohol in it.  When she purchased the car for her son, she set two rules:  no alcohol and keep it locked.  She did not buy her son's explanation that a passenger had left the alcohol, and the self-described "meanest mom on the planet" placed the following classified ad in The Des Moines Register:

OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.

Apparently, she has received overwhelmingly positive feedback from people all across the country since placing the ad, with the only critic being her son.  In fact, she decided to run the ad for an additional week after selling the car, just to make sure that she made her point.

Source:  "'Meanest Mom’ Sells Car After Finding Liquor"  published at MSNBC.com.

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Many divorced or divorcing people wonder how and when to reveal their prior marriage to a new love interests.  Christie Hartman, a Denver psychologist and author of Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide If He's Right for You, gives the following advice:

• If you are going through a divorce, tell the person you are dating pronto. Don't beat around the bush, and don't say you are already divorced if you are still in the process of it.
• More personal information, such as why the marriage failed and the nature of your relationship with your ex, should be saved for a later date when the two of you are more comfortable with each other.
• Don't go into too much detail. Focus on what you learned and how it made you a better person.  Taking this approach decreases the chances of overwhelming your partner.
• Be neutral when speaking about your past partner. If you criticize your ex, you risk sounding petty and emotionally involved. If you heap on praise, you sound as though you still have romantic feelings for your ex.
• Know what you want out of the relationship and what you're capable of.  You should be honest with yourself first, then with potential partners.

Source:  "Dating After Divorce: When to Reveal Your Past" by Jocelyn Voo, published at CNN.com.

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Several months ago, CBS' The Early Show took at look at "changes taking places in modern divorces." Their report focuses on the advantages offered by mediation as opposed to traditional litigation, and it includes three to five minute videos included on the following topics:

• Fight-Free Divorce
• Divorce Among Senior Couples
• Preventing A Divorce

If you are interested in these topics, it is worth spending a few minutes reviewing these videos.

Source:  "Putting An End To Divorce Wars" published at CBSNews.com.  Thanks to Kevin Hickey for his post on his blog about this article.

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What happens when parents cannot agree on issues pertaining to their children? In the past, this situation typically resulted in both parents hiring attorneys, going to Court, slugging it out, and ultimately having a Judge decide the issues for them. Fortunately, there is another option available today for parents facing this situation: utilize a parenting coordinator.

Parenting coordinators usually have backgrounds as mental-health professionals, lawyers or mediators, and they typically have completed a training certification course. Basically, these professionals attempt to establish rules or communication procedures to help parents work together more effectively, and I believe that they can be very helpful in that capacity. Some states can mandate the use of a parenting coordinator, though I am not aware of that ever being done in South Carolina.

Parenting coordinators usually analyze the parents’ communication styles and parenting techniques, and then they suggest ways to improve any deficient areas. In some cases, the coordinators will get input from the children to get their points of view. The goal of the parenting coordinator should be to give parents the skills to resolve disputes themselves, as they are really the best people to make decisions concerning their children.

Situations involving extremely high-conflict parents, domestic violence, substance abuse, or severe mental illness are probably not good candidates for involvement by parenting coordinators. Similarly, I believe that while it might make sense for parents to grant the coordinator the ability to decide “minor” issues should an impasse arise, they should not delegate more important decisions. For instance, I do not believe that parenting coordinators should make decisions that affect the rights of parents, such as custody modifications, relocation decisions, and the like.

Source:  "A Referee for Mom and Dad" by Rachel Emma Silverman, published in The Wall Street Journal.

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I have written several posts on this blog about Parental Alienation Syndrome, such as here, here, and here.  To get another lawyer's take on this subject, I present the following article published by Dan Nunley at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog a few months ago:

Statistics show that approximately one in two marriages end in divorce and about ten percent of those divorces involve child custody battles.  During these emotionally charged proceedings, some children exhibit emotional detachment from one or both parents.  The cause of this emotional detachment is unknown and the issues involved are complex.

One suggested theory, developed by the late Richard A. Gardner, M.D., has come to be known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS).  PAS typically portrays one parent as an evil alienator who through consistent brainwashing is responsible for turning an impressionable and vulnerable child against the innocent, enstranged parent.   As a result of this brainwashing, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the enstranged parent.

PAS is becoming an issue in more and more custody cases.  However, the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to its statement on PAS.

The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children.

Read more about PAS in this recent article from Lawyers Weekly USA.

Source:  "Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Dan Nunley, published at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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A psychological (or de facto) parent  can be defined as a person who has, on a day-to-day basis, undertaken a parental role through interaction, companionship, interplay, and mutuality, that fulfills a child’s physical and psychological needs and provides for a child’s emotional and financial support.

South Carolina has adopted a four-prong test for determining whether a person has become a psychological parent.  Specifically, in order to demonstrate the existence of a psychological parent-child relationship, one must show:

1. that the biological or adoptive parent(s) consented to, and fostered, the person's formation and establishment of a parent-like relationship with the child;
2. that the person and the child lived together in the same household;
3. that the person assumed obligations of parenthood by taking significant responsibility for the child’s care, education and development, including contributing towards the child’s support, without expectation of financial compensation; and
4. that the person has been in a parental role for a length of time sufficient to have established with the child a bonded, dependent relationship parental in nature.

In announcing this test, the Court of Appeals stated that [t]hese four factors ensure that a nonparent’s eligibility for psychological parent status will be strictly limited.  It also cautioned that psychological parents do not automatically have the right to demand custody in a dispute between the legal parent and psychological parent, as the limited right of the psychological parent cannot usually overcome the legal parent’s right to control the upbringing of his or her child.

The Court reasoned that once the bond between the psychological parent and child was established, it should not be unilaterally severed by the biological parent who fostered the relationship in the first place.  The standard to be applied is whether compelling circumstances exist to overcome the presumption that a fit, legal parent acts in the child’s best interest, and of course, visitation must actually be in the child’s best interest. The compelling circumstances standard encompasses a situation where, as here, a third party has attained psychological parent status.

You can read much more about the role and status of psychological parents in South Carolina in Middleton v. Johnson, 369 S.C. 585, 633 S.E.2d 162 (Ct. App. 2006).  This opinion includes a thorough discussion of this theory, including analysis of the decisions from other states.

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I read an article over the weekend about "momblocking."  This new phenomenon refers to situations where fathers become so confident in taking care of their children that mothers can feel edged out, or "blocked".  Fortunately, with enough reassurance and communication between parents, this situation can usually be resolved.

Dr. Craig Garfield, a pediatrician and researcher at Chicago's Northwestern University who specializes in the role of men in child-rearing, says that mothers still typically act as the gatekeepers to fathers' involvement with their kids.  However, my experience is that more fathers are taking active roles in raising their children, some with and others without the mother's help.

In some families, this "momblocking" creates real tension between the parents, sometimes to the point that they need to seek counseling to address it.  Not surprisingly, the counseling often focuses on having the parents understand that both are working for the child's best interest in their own way and improving communication methods to facilitate the exchange of information.

Source:  "‘Momblocked’ Mothers Feel Edged Out by Dads" by Victoria Clayton, published at MSNBC.com.

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There is an old saying that I believe holds true -- "If' Momma's not happy, no one is happy."  Of course, that begs the question, how can mothers stay happy or at least happier?  Parenting.com recommends  the following steps for moms to be happier and more effective:

• Admit when you're stressed
• Get enough sleep
• (Re)consider your priorities
• Go with the flow
• Savor the moment
• Take the long view
• Reconnect with your spouse
• Say thanks

You can read the full article, which includes more about each of these suggestions by clicking HERE.
Source:  "How to be a Happier Mom: 8 Ways to Focus on the Positive" by Robert Barnett, published at CNN.com.  Thanks to David C. Sarnacki for his post on this topic at his Domestic Diversions blog.

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The New York Times reports that relationship experts believe that couples should ask each other critical questions before marrying, including the following:

1. Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2. Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3. Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4. Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6. Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7. Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8. Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10. Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11. Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12. What does my family do that annoys you?
13. Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14. If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15. Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Source:  "Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying" published in The New York Times.

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Hopefully, this Valentine's Day will be a happy one for you and your spouse.  Unfortunately, many people across the country will not be so lucky, because their spouse is being unfaithful and violating their marriage vows.

However, there is good news.  Noted private investigator and author, Bill Mitchell, has come up with the following fourteen ways to avoid adultery in your marriage:

1. Promise your mate you will never join an internet "cheaters" service.
2. Put any positive thoughts of a "love triangle" in the company shredder
3. Guard your affection for your spouse or significant other. Don't give it away carelessly.
4. In 2006 share cards, chocolates, flowers, hotel suites and gifts with just ONE - your spouse.
5. Tell yourself you will get caught - no matter how selective a gene pool you left.
6. Understand that not every parent who cheated on their spouse is a wise or a good example to follow.
7. Convince yourself that car behind you is a private investigator placing a "tail" on you.
8. Look for reasons to keep your marriage alive - try a defibrillator if necessary.
9. Communicate to save your marriage. Be open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires and aspirations.
10. Be affectionate, accountable, understanding and honest this year ( of course with your spouse). Try signing up for a marriage seminar or retreat. Check with a local church for events in your area.
11. Read this aloud; "Affairs seem exciting and fulfilling for a moment but destructive to me, my family, friends, employer and future. It's not worth it and I'm too smart for that troubled way of living!"
12. Extramarital affairs are just too costly even for the wealthy. Do everyone around you a big favor, including your kids, use just one bed - the one at home - with your spouse.
13. Value your health. You can't risk the future over a fling. Cheaters often spread STD's.
14. Agree that a little "self-indulgence" will lead to an affair so listen to your conscience before it leads anywhere.

Source:  "Fourteen Sure Fire Actions to avoid an affair this Valentine's Day" by Bill Mitchell, published at his The More You Know blog.

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"Holidays can be complicated for any family, but when children, stepchildren and new spouses are involved, things can get really crazy."  So begins the article, "A Better House Blend", published this week in Time magazine.  This article takes an in-depth look at the difficulties that blended families face every day, particularly with regard to making decisions for children involved.  If you haven't already read it, you should do so.  You can go directly to this article by clicking HERE.

Thanks to Diana L. Skaggs of the Divorce Law Journal for her post about this article.

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Lee Borden of Lee's Divorce & Family Law Blog has published a great resource on Living Together After Divorce, which includes thorough discussions of:

• Why Some Couples Live Together After Divorce
• What Can Go Wrong
• What You Can Do To Make It Work

If you (or someone you know) are living with your former spouse or considering doing so, you should read Lee's excellent article and consider the points he raises. 

Source:  "Living Together After Divorce" by Lee Borden.

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As you may have heard by now, Paul McCartney and his wife, Heather Mills McCartney, are going through an increasingly nasty divorce.  Through it all, the former Beatle has stated his intent to conduct himself with "a certain dignity."

Some wisdom from Sir Paul that every party in a divorce could learn a lot from:

• "There are certain things in life that are personal, and I think a relationship with a partner is intensely personal, and I prefer to keep it that way."
• "When you are going through difficulties, I think the thing to do for the sake of all the people all concerned is to keep a certain dignity and remember that it is a private affair, and that way, you will probably get through it better."
• "Life goes on. I do not hold grudges against anyone."
• "I think life goes on, and it is what you make of it..."

Source:  "McCartney: Dignity Through Divorce" by Gina Serpe, published at E! Online.

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Today's ATLA L@w News Digest gives the following summary of an article by Tresa Baldas published on August 1, 2006, in the National Law Journal:

"In a case that family law experts fear could set a dangerous precedent, a Michigan teenager is suing his mother to learn the identity of his father. Family law attorneys say the issue of compelling a mother to reveal the identity of the biological father is a new area of law. And depending on how the Michigan judge rules in the case, they say, courts nationally could see a new flood of lawsuits of children suing their parents.

"You are opening the floodgates of litigation," said Richard Crouch of Crouch & Crouch in Arlington, Va., who has been practicing family law for more than 30 years and has sat on several American Bar Association (ABA) and Virginia State Bar family law committees. "The courts haven't got any business concerning themselves with this area, even if there are health concerns. You're opening up too large an area where a lot of the litigation would be useless and frivolous."

I respectfully disagree with the other family law experts referenced in this article. I believe that as a general rule, children have a fundamental right to know who their parents are. Of course, there should be exceptions when such information would not be in the child's best interest (such as situations where the child was conceived as the result of a criminal act), but why would it not be in the child's best interest to know who his/her parents are.

Should the Court not require the mother to disclose the father's identity, I could envision situations where mothers would attempt to use that to their advantage to try to keep the father out of the child's life. The Court should encourage parents and children to have healthy, meaningful relationships with each other, not condone the construction of additional walls which could be used for the opposite reason.

I also take exception with Richard Crouch's assertion that the Court shouldn't concern themselves with this issue "even if there are health concerns." The health and welfare of a child should certainly trump a selfish mother's desire to conceal her sexual partner's identity in virtually every case.

As for Mr. Crouch's fear that the floodgates of litigation might be opened as a result of this case, I am sure that someone made the same statement when it was first suggested that non-custodial parents should be forced to pay child support. However, just because a concept is new and may result in increased litigation should not make it presumed to be wrong or a bad idea.

I would be interested in hearing what my readers think about this subject. Please click on the "Comments / Questions" link to give me your input.

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I believe that communication is one of the keys to a successful marriage. If you are interested in improving your communication in your marriage (or at work, with your friends, or anywhere), consider the following tips I recently came across.

The next time you have a conversation with someone that lasts more than one minute, challenge yourself to make these minor changes and watch how the person responds to you compared to previous conversations:

1. Listen 50% more
2. Ask twice as many questions
3. Hold eye contact 50% more
4. Make slight contact, or hold contact slightly longer. (Better hand shake maybe)
5. Show sincere sympathy or enthusiasm for something they say
6. Ask them if there is anything you could help out with.

Source: Your Next Conversation: 6 Things That Will Make It Different by Ron McDaniel of the Buzzoodle Buzz Marketing blog. Thanks to Arnie Herz of the Legal Sanity blog for finding this article.

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You may be interested in the following article, "The Motherhood Manifesto" by Joan Blades & Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, as published in the May 22, 2006 issue of The Nation:

In the deep quiet of a still-dark morning, Renee reaches her arm out from under her thick flowered comforter and across the bed to hit the snooze button on her alarm clock. For a few blessed (and pre-planned) minutes she avoids the wakeful classic rock blaring into her bedroom from her alarm. Renee hits the snooze button exactly three times before finally casting off her covers. She does this each morning, and each morning she sleepily thinks the same thing: "It's too early. I was just at work two seconds ago, and I don't want to go back already."

Everything about Renee's morning is structured for speed and efficiency. At 5:45, with her young son, Wade, and husband, Alan, still sleeping, Renee drags herself out of bed and sleepwalks to the shower. She brushes her teeth while the shower is warming, making sweeping circles on the mirror with her hand so she can see her reflection. Renee's movements, though she's thoroughly tired, are crisp, hurried and automatic--she's repeated the routine daily for several years.

Renee knows exactly how long each of her morning tasks will take, to the minute. That, for instance, between 6 and 6:12 she needs to put on her makeup, get herself dressed, get her son's clothes out and ready for the day, and get downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast.

All this is done with an eye on the clock and a subtle, yet constant, worry about time. Her mind loops over the potential delays that could be ahead: "Is there going to be traffic? Am I going to get stuck behind a school bus? Is my son going to act normal when I drop him off or is he going to be stuck to my leg? Am I going to get a parking space in the office garage or am I going to have to run five blocks through the city to get to work on time?" And if there isn't any garage parking, which happens often, then in order to be on time for work Renee has to run up six flights of stairs in heels because she doesn't have extra time to waste waiting for an elevator. She's done this climb more than once.

Why the stress? At her work, if Renee is late more than six times, she's in danger of losing her job. Like many American mothers, Renee needs her income to help provide for her family. In our modern economy, where more often than not two wage earners are needed to support a family, American women now make up 46 percent of the entire paid labor force. In fact, a study released last June found that in order to maintain income levels, parents have to work more hours--two-parent families are spending 16 percent more time at work, or 500 more hours a year, than in 1979.

Despite all the media chatter about the so-called Opt-Out Revolution--and all the hand-wringing about whether working moms are good for kids--women, and mothers, are in the workplace to stay. Yet public policy and workplace structures have yet to catch up.

This Mother's Day, why not step back and reflect about how we as a country can really help mothers like Renee? For example, the option of flextime would make a world of difference for Renee and her family. "Flextime would make a huge difference in my life because with my job function, there are busy days and late days. As long as I'm there forty hours a week and get my job done, then I don't know why anyone would care. I don't understand why there's such an 8 am to 5 pm 'law' in my workplace."

Continue Reading...

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From the California Divorce and Family Law blog:

It took co-authors Alison Clarke-Stewart and Cornelia Brentano a couple of years to synthesize hundreds, if not thousands, of studies and surveys on divorce for their book "Divorce: Causes and Consequences." The Orange County professors were assigned the chore by Yale University Press.

Clarke-Stewart, a professor of psychology and social behavior at UC Irvine, and Brentano, an associate professor of psychology at Chapman University, had taught a class on divorce at UCI for years and found themselves searching for a textbook that looked comprehensively at the research on divorce. They hope "Divorce: Causes and Consequences" will dispel myths about divorce and educate couples considering or undergoing a divorce, and those who work with divorcing couples.

"There really is a lot of fire out there in the debate about whether divorce is good or bad," Clarke-Stewart says. "What this book says is, it's good and bad. We hope people will take away this kind of balanced view." "Divorce: Causes and Consequences" includes first-person insights from their students about their parents' divorce. Clarke-Stewart and Brentano found those accounts so powerful that they self-published another book, "Divorce Lessons: Real-Life Stories and What You Can Learn from Them" as an easy-to-read, self-help book.

Q. Do you think most people would be surprised to know that the divorce rate has been going down and is actually the lowest it's been in 30 years?

Brentano: Probably the most common myth is that the divorce rate is ever increasing. That is sparked by the media. I just did a quick search for something on divorce, and instantly I get a slew of hits that point out the 'ever-increasing divorce rate.'

Clarke-Stewart: I guess you'd have to ask what interested group would want to say it's getting better? It serves everybody's purpose to make it worse.

Brentano: There are many divorce-reform organizations out there, grass-roots organizations who uniformly use this notion that the divorce rate is staggering.

Q. In the book you say that people should enter divorce with realistic expectations and reasonable demands. How do you do that at a time when emotions tend to run high?

Clarke-Stewart: I always tell my students in the last lecture of the class that they should only marry someone they think they could go through a divorce with. You really have to be good friends with the person. But I do think that information and education have gotto be helpful.

Brentano: There's evidence for that in the research. Both marriage education and divorce education promote better marriages, more stable marriages.

Clarke-Stewart: So the thing is, think about and find out the ways to make divorce the least destructive for the child instead of sweeping it under the couch. That was one of the surprising things in the literature and also in our conversations with the students taking our class, that parents don't seem to realize how much their children are suffering.

Q. Can you talk about the different ways that men and women suffer from divorce?

Clarke-Stewart: It's interesting that men seem to have the most extreme emotional reactions. For one thing, they are less likely to be the person who initiates the divorce. They're happy to go along year after year with things being, you know, just OK. They're the ones that are more likely to have the "nervous breakdown," or suicide attempt, or car accident, whatever. But they get over the reaction sooner, on average. Whereas for women, they may be more likely to feel some sense of relief at the beginning, but then when the reality of having more limited income and probably more sole parenting, child-care responsibility sets in, then it becomes very long-term depressing for them. And in terms of money, there is this statistic that women's family income tends to go down and sometimes men's goes up. But in fact both parties end up with less family money than a married couple staying together.

Q. But is it more likely that men will be doing better economically?

Clarke-Stewart: Yes, and they remarry sooner.

Brentano: With men, you often see a fairly quick flurry of dating activity after divorce. Although they may be in a state of crisis, part of their coping mechanism is to find a replacement. Unless they are completely heartbroken. They aren't necessarily looking for the partner for the next marriage. For the former wife, that looks like the man is having a good time.

Q. And the men may not be having a good time?

Clarke-Stewart: No, they're probably not. But they're actively having a bad time.

Q. In your book you said that children say the worst result of divorce is that they miss their father.

Clarke-Stewart: Yes. These people of any age, in the place where you're supposed to have a father, they have a hole. Unless they have a stepfather that has filled in the hole, they will always be yearning and curious and feel rejected by the guy that left them.

Brentano: But it's really important to understand that it's not just any contact or frequent contact with the father regardless of what the quality of contact is. That is a message fathers don't always understand. It's not just about having control over the kids or having contact with the kids. Are you continuing to be a parent and are you evolving as a parent? Kids later on comment on that. They say, yeah we did all these things, or he bought me things, but I never really had a relationship with him. And that hurts, too.

Q. There are positive consequences though, right, for children and adults?

Clarke-Stewart: For some children and some adults, yes. If you're in a dysfunctional family, to be out of it and into something better, even if you're alone, is positive. It's very hard to be in a situation that's painful every day, and it's hard for the kids, too.

Brentano: Also it's good for children to see their parents cope effectively - to have a new start, feel better, be better people, presuming that things go well, which it does often, too. It's learning how to overcome adversity. Parents can model that and they do model that often after divorce. If that happens, children can be better off.

Clarke-Stewart: Even though, I would say for every kid there is going to be a difficult transitional time. I think for every single kid. There's no totally painless way for children to experience their parents splitting up. But it can be over, and they can learn from it and they can recover.

Source: Post by Jeffrey Lalloway of the California Divorce and Family Law, which cited "Torn Asunder: Coping with Divorce" by Theresa Walker in The Orange County Register.

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Did you know that today (April 25th) is Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting Awareness Day? You can visit www.parental-alienation-awareness.com for much more information on this syndrome. From their website:

Did You Know That... Parental Alienation is a form of Child Abuse?

Parental alienation involves the systematic brainwashing and manipulation of children with the sole purpose of destroying a loving and warm relationship they once shared with a parent.

Parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting deprives children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents. These selfish, vindictive and malicious actions by the alienating parent (the parent who is responsible for the manipulations and brainwashing) is considered a form of child abuse - as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety.

Most people do not know about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting until they experience it. Parental Alienation Awareness Day is put forth to help raise awareness about this growing problem of mental and emotional child abuse seen mostly in cases of divorce or separation.

Source: www.parental-alienation-awareness.com

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How can you identify a spoiled child? In his article, "Spoiled Kids Don't Need Therapy," Gregory Ramey lists the following signs of a spoiled child:

• Rarely shows appreciation or says "thank you."
• Doesn't seem satisfied with whatever she gets.
• Asks frequently for things and gets upset if she doesn't immediately get them.
• Doesn't have any family responsibilities.
• Frequently complains about being treated unfairly.
• Rarely offers to help someone else.
• Expects others to accommodate her wants.
• Rarely compromises or shares with others.
• Has a "what's-in-it-for-me" attitude.

Mr. Ramey believes that spoiled children need firm parents who set loving limits and impose consequences for violating those limits. He wisely states that "sometimes being firm with children is the ultimate way to show your love and prepare them for the real world."

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Dr. Oren Hernandez, a Florida marriage counselor, developed an eight question "Divorce Test," which he claims can help determine if your marriage is on the right track. See what you think...

The questions:

1. Money is the number one cause of arguments in our relationship

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

2. Do you believe arguing is healthy?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

3. We have trouble communicating with each other.

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

4. I'm satisfied with our sex life.

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

5. I trust my spouse completely?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

6. Is taking time for myself in a marriage important?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

7. I am worried that my spouse has the potential to be unfaithful?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

8. Spirituality is important in our relationship?

   a. Never
   
   b. Sometime
   
   c. Always

The Scoring:

• To score, count the number of `A's" you have as answers. A perfect score is all 'A's.

• If you scored between six and eight A's - Dr. Hernandez says - your relationship is in pretty good shape.

• If you score between four and six, Dr. Hernandez says there may be something you might want to look at. And four and below? Dr. Hernandez says, definitely question your spouse.

The key to any successful relationship is communication, by now your test results should have you and your spouse talking.

Source: "Area Couples Take the Divorce Test," KCBD NewsChannel 11, Lubbock, TX and "Divorce Test," posted by Grant Griffiths at the Kansas Family & Divorce Lawyer blog.

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I recommend the following article for your consideration:

When parents separate, they worry about the effect of their separation on the kids. Not only is there data to suggest that adults whose parents separated when they were children are at greater risk of divorce themselves, but also data that suggests the greater the parental conflict during separation, the greater the likelihood of negative outcomes for the children. The challenge for parents is determining their level of conflict and supporting their kids accordingly.

Parental conflict during separation can be categorized as low, medium and high.

• With low levels of conflict, parents are generally able to manage the separation process between themselves. These are parents who likely sit across from each other at the kitchen table and reasonably and rationally divide their assets and develop a plan between themselves for the ongoing care of the children. It doesn't quite matter what agreement they reach, the defining variable of low-level conflict is settling matters without outside support.

• Parents with medium levels of conflict find their behaviour degenerating when attempting to settle matters between themselves. Hence they require outside resources. The outside resources may include lawyers or a mediator and sometimes other friends, family or clergy. The defining variable of medium-level conflict is that parents are unable to settle without support, but given the support, they do settle.

• Parents with high levels of conflict are unable to settle matters between themselves whether unassisted or assisted. Hence the defining variable of high-level conflict is when parents turn to the Courts to determine their settlement. Even if parents settle as a result of a settlement conference at Court, that they are before the Courts defines their conflict as high.

Some parents believe they shelter or protect their kids from the separation conflict. The truth of the matter is, the greater the conflict, the greater the stress upon the parents. The greater the stress, the more likely their stress will be picked up and experienced by the children. Hence it is a misnomer that parents can shelter their kids from such conflict. So the issue is less if they are sheltering the kids, but rather how they are helping the children cope through a conflicted separation process.

While some parents believe it is best to say nothing to their children, in fact, it is often better to acknowledge the stressors and difficulties. This can be done without bad-mouthing either parent, but simply acknowledging they have yet to come to an agreement. Kids can be helped to understand that even though the parents are in distress, they both still love the children and are working to resolve matters as best they can. The children can be told that when the parents are unable to resolve matters between themselves, they turn to outside help. The parents can tell their children they are turning to wise persons to help them decide what may be best. Children will have had similar experiences with their peers. They have had times when they have been upset and when teachers have come to their aid to help settle matters. This is a positive example. Similarly then and by the parental role model, children can be encouraged to discuss their feelings and when necessary, turn to outside support such as may be offered by a group for children whose parents are separating. At the very least and in view of the parental role model, children may be more apt to talk with a teacher or counsellor if distressed. As the kids then better manage their feelings, they can better concentrate on school work and other childhood tasks.

Parents are advised to do all they can to keep their conflict to a minimum and find ways to resolve matters as amicably as possible between themselves. When negotiating, whether through lawyers or mediators, be careful not to hold on too tightly to a specific position. Flexibility may hold the key to a settlement and a smoother transition for their children.

Source: "How Do You Rate Your Separation" by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW published at www.yoursocialworker.com.

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An upcoming book, Hugs to Heartbreak: A Parent's Journey Through Parental Alienation Syndrome discusses Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) from the perspectives of a severely alienated parent (Jeff Opperman) and a clinical psychologist (Dr. David Israel).

The book's introduction explains that PAS involves three crimes against the child:

1. The first crime is that the alienating parent doesn't acknowledge that every child is one-half of each parent. Every time the alienating parent tells the child how horrible the other parent is, the alienating parent is telling the child that half of him (or her) is horrible.

2. The second crime is that the alienating parent teaches the child that cutting off contact with people is an acceptable way to handle anger, hurt, and disappointment. The world is full of people. One day the child will be an adult. The child will grow up without the appropriate coping skills to have normal, healthy relationships with other adults.

3. The third crime is that one day the child will look back on the alienating parent's behavior from an adult perspective. He or she will then realize that the alienating parent robbed the child of something very precious - the love and attention of the other parent. The child-turned-adult will realize that the trust placed in the alienating parent was misplaced. He or she will feel betrayed. At that point the adult will not just have one damaged relationship with a parent, but damaged relationships with both parents.

Source: "The Three Crimes of PAS" posted at the Just Another Disenfranchised Father blog.

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Let's face it, sometimes there are cases that really should be resolved, but for one reason or another, they just can't be. This can be extremely frustrating for the skilled family law attorney, and it can also result in a case becoming (unnecessarily) expensive for the parties.

Jeffrey Behrendt of the Ottawa Divorce Blog recently published an article explaining the eight most common reasons this can happen. After each reason, I have listed both Mr. Behrendt's comments along with my own analysis.

1. The other divorce lawyer.

   Behrendt: I do agree with the common perception that lawyers can make things more difficult than need be. The reasons for this are somewhat complex. Some lawyers are overly aggressive. This isn't solely the lawyer's fault - clients going through a divorce often want their lawyer to be aggressive. Aggression isn't the only problem - an inexperienced lawyer may not be reasonable simply because they don't know what a local judge may decide.

   Stevens: The opposing attorney can make a world of difference in a case -- for better or for worse. In Family Court, each side has the ability to dictate to a certain degree how the case will be handled. Some attorneys rarely settle their cases, and every issue with them may be a battle. On the other hand, some attorneys have a reputation for folding as soon as the going gets tough. Some attorneys are more cooperative than others when it comes to producing necessary information. Since we cannot control whom the other side hires to represent him, we often have to play the hand we're dealt in this area.

2. Unreasonable clients.

   Behrendt: One thing about being a divorce lawyer is that even though you've dealt with a situation many times before, a client knows more about it because a friend of a friend said something. Whether you like what the law has to say or not, for most middle-class couples in fairly average situations, the law is pretty clear. But it can be difficult to resolve a case if one spouse doesn't agree with what the law is. (As a side note, I agree that in a lot of cases, the result isn't fair, but that's a political, not a legal, issue).

   Stevens: All clients bring their unique life experiences and expectations to their case. Some people cannot be pleased under any circumstances, and they should be avoided as clients at all costs. When I meet with a new person for a consultation, one of the key things I want to accomplish is to determine what sort of client he/she will be. If I do not like the person's attitude or personality, I will not represent them -- no matter how high the fee may be. Having reasonable clients is one of the things that I enjoy most about my work, and I am not willing to compromise on this issue.

3. Child Custody Disputes.

   Behrendt: In most cases, you can say it's just money, and move on. With the children, you can't do this. Custody disputes are one of the most difficult types of case to settle.

   Stevens: Custody cases are certainly complex and difficult, and many times they cannot be settled -- especially when both sides genuinely and legitimately want full custody of the same child. 'Tis has been the case since the times of King Solomon.

4. Delay.

   Behrendt: It's usually in one spouse's interest (normally the payor) to delay settlement, even if it is just a matter of postponing the inevitable, while it's best for the other spouse (normally the recipient) to resolve things as quickly as possible. Add in delays because each spouse's lawyer is busy at a different time and it's no surprise that divorce cases aren't resolved quickly.

   Stevens: With apologies to Mick Jagger, time is almost always on someone's side in family court cases. In custody cases, the party with temporary custody is certainly in no rush to get to a final hearing where he/she may risk losing it. Sometimes, one party simply does not want the marriage to end, and that party does not want the divorce hearing to ever actually happen. Some attorneys want to keep the litigation going on because that way his/her fees continue to grow.

5. Revenge.

   Behrendt: Often the divorce process is used as a way of getting revenge on a spouse. Yes, you really can make you're spouse's life miserable through the divorce process if you wish to. And despite the high financial cost of doing this, many people choose to go this route. This is particularly the case where one spouse has had an affair.

   Stevens: Amen, brother. I have actually had potential clients tell me "I want you to make my spouse's life hell in this case." They see the potential of abusing the legal process to satisfy their twisted desire to get back at their spouse, and certainly things such as depositions, discovery, etc. could be used toward that end.

6. Legally Aided Spouse.

   Behrendt: Normally, high legal fees are an incentive to settle a divorce case quickly. Every dollar in legal fees is a dollar that is taken away from the children and from both spouses. However, where one spouse is legally aided and the other one isn't, one spouse bears all the financial consequences of a divorce battle while the other's finances aren't affected.

   Stevens: Many times, the spouse with financial means will attempt to outspend or wait out the spouse without them. There is almost always some disparity in resources, and that aspect must be analyzed early and often in such cases.

7. Spouse Not Working.

   Behrendt: Where one spouse isn't working - say they're a homemaker or disabled - I've found that cases are much more difficult to resolve. The non-working spouse seems to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the divorce case, and coming up with ways to make it complicated.

   Stevens: This is very insightful observation by Mr. Behrendt, and I believe he makes a good point. Sometimes it is good for a party to have a job and other responsibilities/obligations to keep his/her mind from obsessing about the divorce case. If a party has nothing to do but focus on his/her problems, the divorce (as with any other stressful situation) can become overwhelming.

8. Interference from family.

   Behrendt: I've had a number of cases where I think that the two spouses could actually work things out amicably - maybe even without the help of divorce lawyers. But there is a meddlesome family member who just won't let this happen, and who seems to have a large influence in one spouse's life. I find that this is particularly the case for younger couples, who probably still have a closer attachment to their parents than do older couples. It is also particularly prevalent in couples of Far Eastern origin where family has quite a different role and meaning in their lives than for people who are born and raised in Canada.

   Stevens: Younger clients, typically in their early to mid-20's, are particularly susceptible to this type of interference. Parents, older siblings, or others may think that they are trying to help "protect" the client, but often they are only agitating an already tense situation. In other cases, third-parties sometimes manipulate parties to further their own agendas.

Source: "8 Roadblocks to Settling Your Divorce" by Jeffrey Behrendt published at the Ottawa Divorce Blog.

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The Spartanburg Herald-Journal published an article yesterday which strongly recommends that those planning to marry ask themselves and their future spouses certain questions before marriage -- whether it's their first marriage or not. Yes, these questions are intrusive, difficult, and uncomfortable, but considering them prior to marriage may be the best thing you can do for yourself (and your marriage).

"In their rush down the aisle, couples often think that love will overcome any disagreements about saving and spending. It doesn't. And so even among the most compatible couples, the prewedding vow of personal-finance silence eventually leads to frustration, fights and power struggles." The author's suggested questions are:

1. What are your financial assets and liabilities?
2. How do you use debt?
3. What is your money history?
4. Do we need a prenup?
5. What are your financial aspirations?
6. What are your career expectations?
7. How do you propose we divide financial duties?
8. Will we operate from one checkbook or three?
9. Do you have a basic understanding of money?

Source: "Love & Money" by Jeff D. Opdyke at the Wall Street Journal online.

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In an important decision earlier this week, the U.S. Supreme Court significantly narrowed police search powers by ruling that officers cannot search a residence without a warrant unless both spouses agree to let them do so. In other words, if one occupant tells them no, the search is unconstitutional without a warrant.

The Court was sharply divided on this 5-3 opinion, with the majority portraying it as striking a blow for privacy rights and gender equality, while the dissenters said it could undermine police efforts against domestic violence. You can read more about this case, Georgia v. Randolph, at:

• The New York Times
  
• The Boston Globe
  
• Jurist Legal News & Research
  
• New Jersey Family Law blog

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Today, I reprint the following post from my friend and fellow blogger, Michael Sherman, because he hits the nail squarely and firmly on its head:

If you have read this blog for any length of time, then you know that one of the issues that drove me to and sustains me in practicing family law is my desire to reduce the pain of divorce on children. Often the parents get so caught up in the emotion of the divorce, they overlook the effect that their behavior is having on their children.

In this article in the Kansas City Star, Gary Kretchmer, director of domestic relations division in Johnson County Missouri, outlines the worst things and the best things that divorcing parents can do to a child. His advice and experience echoes mine, and I commend it to any parent that is going through a divorce. Keep it in mind and your children will benefit greatly. Ignore it and they will suffer the consequences.

Worst things a divorcing parent can do to a child:


• Criticize the other parent.
  
• Make the child feel guilty for loving the other parent.
  
• Use the child to spy on the other parent.
  
• Ask the child to serve as a messenger to the other parent.

Best things a divorcing parent can do for a child:

• Respect the other parent.
• Use a cooperative rather than competitive spirit with the other parent.
• Try to rebuild at least a level of trust.
• Work on communicating well.

Source: Advice for Divorcing Parents published by Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog.

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I have previously posted about the "helicopter parent" phenomenon. The Dallas Morning News published an article several months ago to help parents balance (a) becoming overly involved and hindering their child and (b) not being involved enough and harming their child. You can read the article for more details, but the basic do's and don't's are listed below:

What you should do to avoid being a "helicopter parent":

1. Communicate weekly with the teacher when your child is in elementary school.
   
2. Try to fill a need that the teacher has mentioned.
   
3. Help out in low-key ways.
   
4. Give your child a strategy to deal with separation anxiety.
   
5. Plan ahead as much as possible.
   
6. Volunteer in ways that don't stress you out.
   
7. Make sure your child goes to school with enough sleep, breakfast and supplies.
   
8. Expect the very best.

What you shouldn't do:

1. Don't take on your child's school projects.
   
2. Don't be so overbearing that your kids start acting out or become withdrawn.
   
3. Don't badmouth the teacher or school in front of your child.
   
4. Don't barrage teachers with phone calls.
   
5. Don't show up every day.

Source: "8 Ways to Avoid 'Helicopter Parenting'" by Erin Wade

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A few months ago, I first became aware of the term "helicopter parents," and I have been wanting write about it ever since. Well, today is finally the day. The best definition I could find for this term was in an article in Psychology Today, which said "they're called helicopter parents because they hover over their children and make a lot of noise rescuing them whenever difficulty arises."

Although this term may be somewhat new, they have been around forever and we've all seen them. Mothers of beauty pageant contestants prodding their little queens to walk just so and keep that smile perfect. Sporting dads pushing their sons to be the next Barry Bonds or Kobe Bryant. However, it seems that these characters have become more prevalent and much pushier, and the children over which they hover are no longer restricted to youngsters.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer published an article a few weeks ago which addressed the helicopter parent phenomenon with regard to younger children. Mel Levine, a professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina Medical School in Chapel Hill and author of "Ready or Not, Here Comes Life", told the author of that article that children today are being coddled and protected so much that it threatens their ability later in life to strike off on their own, form healthy relationships, and learn proper job skills. Levine says that these parents are "trying to create a really terrific statue of a child rather than a child" and that the children "may well shatter."

Psychology Today and ABC News have both featured stories of parents hovering over their children in college!!! The ABC article discusses a single mom who home schooled her two sons and maintains hour-by-hour involvement in their 18 and 21 year old college lives. "When she's not on her cell phone with one of the boys, she's organizing their lives. She spends an hour drafting to-do e-mails for her sons, checking their grades, their bank account balances and even using their personal passwords to check their student e-mail. [She] works tirelessly to keep everything in her sons' lives in order -- from doing their laundry to organizing their schedules to proofreading their papers." The worst part of all is that her sons both say they're grateful for their mother's efforts on their behalf.

Certainly younger children have less ability to tell their parents to back off, but how in the world can college students allow this to happen? Has our society gotten that lazy that college students will give up their autonomy in exchange for having mommy or daddy take care of all their needs and wants? I plan to keep an eye on this topic, and a future post will address ways to prevent becoming a "helicopter parent" yourself.

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My significant other has lost his/her mind!!! How many times have you said (or at least thought) these words? I recently had a case in which a party's mental status was a legitimate issue. In the course of my representation, I had to research the issues of Borderline Personality Disorder. I thought it might be helpful to share some basic information on this topic with you.

The DSM-IV sets out the following diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5);
   
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation;
   
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self;
   
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5);
   
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior;
   
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days);
   
7. chronic feelings of emptiness;
   
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights);
   
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

To get more information on this topic, you can visit BPDCentral.com, a list of resources for people who care about someone with borderline personality disorder. You might also want to read the following books on this topic: Stop Walking on Eggshells; Coping When Somebody You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreiger; Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Tense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson; and The Borderline Personality: Vision and Healing by Nathan Schwartz-Salant. Thanks to Clarke Logan Young Law Office of Santa Monica, California for their excellent post on this important topic.

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Kenny Rogers once sang, "you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." In every relationship, there is a time that the best action is to simply hold your tongue. An article, When Silence Is Golden, by Les and Leslie Parrott lists the following six times when it is best not to say a word:

1. When one of you isn't ready.

   Your spouse may not be listening because you're talking when he/she isn't ready. Trying to discuss an important issue with your spouse when he/she is in the middle of a task is probably not the best idea. Instead of forcing the issue and either (a) angering your spouse or (b) getting your feelings hurt, simply make yourself wait until later. Let your spouse know that you want to talk about an issue and try to agree upon the best time to do so.

2. When you've said it a million times.

   Repeating the same theme over and over again is nothing more than nagging. Nagging is never well received by a spouse. Spewing endless critiques (or even well-intentioned advice) in a vain attempt to change your spouse isn't going to provide the solution. The bottom line is that you need to give up the conversations you keep having over and over and over, as they will only grind both of you down.

3. When you need time to think.

   You should not feel compelled to immediately respond to everything your spouse says to you. Often, a quick response will be based on "off-the-cuff" or "gut" feelings, which are often overcome by more rational thought and analysis. Instead of saying something for the sake of a quick response, why not say, "let me think about that and get back to you"? By doing so, you buy yourself a cooling-off period, time to weigh how you feel about something without the pressure of having to give an immediate reply. Also, and perhaps more importantly, doing so gives you time to consider a thoughtful, appropriate response.

4. When one of you is being unreasonable.

   Everyone has bad days from time to time, and we can all be provoked by people at work, our children, that jerk who cut you off in traffic, a rude salesclerk, etc. When such instances occur, the best course of action is space and time. If your emotions are running high, it is o.k. to tell your spouse that you need some time to yourself. Likewise, if your spouse acts irrationally, calmly tell him/her "I'm going to give you some space right now." Too many couples try to have rational conversations when one of them is in an irrational place. It never works.

5. When you've forgotten the problem.

   We have all had conversations that get derailed. You start out talking about one thing and you are suddenly fighting something completely unrelated. When you can no longer remember exactly what you are arguing about, you should take a timeout and cool off. Giving yourselves time to "cool your heads and warm your hearts" can keep you from being swallowed by a conversation that has turned silly and borders on becoming vicious.

6. When it's to avoid doing.

   Whenever you talk about something that you need to do instead of actually doing it, it might seem that you are getting closer to taking action, but you aren't. In fact, analyzing all of the different elements of the item can take on a life of its own, and you could have resolved the issue in the time you have spent analyzing it. So if you're using your conversation to avoid action, don't delay. Stop stewing and start doing.

Source: "When Silence Is Golden" by Les and Leslie Parrott, published at ChristianityToday.com.

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Knowing how to effectively negotiate can make a difference in the outcome of your family court case. Of course, your attorney will do most of the negotiating on your behalf, but having some familiarity with basic negotiating concepts can be invaluable to help you better understand what is happening and why.

I read an article at AskMen.com which contained an excellent discussion of this topic. The author correctly stated that negotiation is the process of getting something in return for something else while giving up as little as possible in doing so. If done properly, both parties come out happy, but if done wrong, the results can be disastrous.

Here are ten basic negotiation strategies that everyone should know:

1. Never make the first offer.
   
   By making the first offer, you make several mistakes right out of the gate. First, you are giving up the chance to get a feel for the other side's intention. A poor initial offer can signal a lack of interest in the negotiation. A great initial offer can be an indication that the other side is desperate to settle the case. I tend to view the other side's initial offer as their worst case scenario. If you do decide to make the first offer, keep in mind that you are bidding against your self.

2. Aim reasonably high.
   
   When making your initial offer (hopefully in the form of a counteroffer) you should ask for more than you hope to receive, but not so much that it is counterproductive. You don't want to make the other side leave the table, nor do you want them to think that you do not know what you are doing.

3. Never look impressed or eager.
   
   Even if the other side offers you more than you ever dreamed of getting, you don't want to tip your hand by letting a smile creep across your face. A good "poker face" can be a great asset, and there will always be time later for celebrating.

4. Always be willing to walk away.
   
   Making the other side believe that you are not going to accept their offer can also be a powerful tool. The threat of your "walking away" can make the other side get to their best offer quicker and/or make them offer more than they initially wanted to because they believe they must do so in order to close the deal.

5. Assume the other guy needs you.
   
   Don't underestimate or undervalue what it is that you're offering. It can sometimes be easy to overlook the value of your position, since we often overlook what is right in front of us. One of the tactics I employ in every case is to try to put myself in my opponent's shoes so that I can consider the strengths of his case and the weaknesses of mine. Doing this will allow me to see the value in my client's case as well.

6. Play good cop, bad cop.
   
   This tactic is difficult to use when negotiating for someone else, but I have invoked it from time to time. Obviously, this strategy must be discussed with the client beforehand, and frankly, it takes the right client in order to do it effectively.

7. Learn to remain silent.
   
   Of course, silence is golden. In negotiating, it can be even more valuable. The fact is that silence makes people uncomfortable, and it typically results in the other side ending the silence by speaking. Often, responding to the other side with nothing but silence will make them either begin to divulge more information about what they just said or even to sweeten a just made offer.

8. Research your opponent.
   
   You should learn as much as possible about the person with whom you are dealing, as well as his/her case. If you know that your opponent's typical bidding pattern, you can more easily evaluate the offers as they are made. If you see that your opponent doesn't know certain key facts, you may be able to seize an opportunity to settle your case as the most opportune time.

9. Never give up on the core of your deal.
   
   Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in the heat of negotiations, only to end up in a situation that you may later regret. A seasoned attorney will discuss the key issues with his client before any negotiations to determine where the client's "bottom line" lies. Since every client and every case is different, this discussion is critical, as what may seem to be a great deal in one case may not be satisfactory to a client in the next case.

10. Always be polite.
    
    You should maintain your dignity and professionalism, no matter how the negotiation goes. If the other sides acts unreasonably, you should resist the temptation to tell him/her what you really think of their last offer. While it may make you feel better in the short term, the damage done to your long term relationship with the other side may be irreparable. In family court cases, your client will almost always have some relationship with the other party after this case is over, and this concept cannot be lost while at the negotiating table.

Source: "11 Negotiation Strategies" at AskMen.com

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Family Court would not be nearly as busy if couples could learn to successfully resolve conflict when it arises. One of the most important keys in learning to resolve conflict is learning to successfully communicate and ultimately to successfully negotiate. I regularly strive to help my clients understand that their lives (and the lives of their children) will improve by leaps and bounds once they learn to communicate with their significant other. Sooner or later, most people realize that their preferred combination of screaming, threatening, and the "silent treatment" is not the answer.

In her article, Solving Conflicts in Your Relationship: Negotiation Strategies for Couples, Dr. Ellyn Bader recommends the following process be used to help negotiate decisions and behavior:

1. Before you start the negotiation:

   Quietly reflect on questions such as:
   

   • What do I want, and why do I want it?
     
   • Why is it important, and how important is this to me?
     
   • To get what I want, what will I need to do and what will my partner need to do?
     
   • If I get most of what I want, what is the positive and negative effect on my partner?
     
   • How can I make it easier for my partner to say yes?

2. Start By Stating the Area of Disagreement:

   It is important to describe the issue as disagreement instead of as a problem.
   

   • It is very difficult to say "The problem is ________" without blaming your partner or yourself.
     
   • State the disagreement in the form, "We seem to disagree about ________."
     
   • Then take turns expressing what your concerns and desires are about the disagreement.

   Describe Concerns About the Subject.
   

   • One person goes first and expresses all their concerns while the other listens without rebutting or defending anything.
     
   • The response is simply to recap and check for understanding.
     
   • It may also be necessary to ask questions for clarity.

   Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did it ever occur to you that...?"

3. Brainstorm Solutions:

   After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires, and each of you feels understood, then it is time for brainstorming solutions.

   One partner proposes a solution as follows:
   

   • Honey, what I suggest is ________.
     
   • This suggestion works for me because ________.
     
   • This suggestion might work for you because ________.

   The Rationale For This "Formula":
   

   • It encourages being a good self advocate. Simultaneously it forces you to consider your partner's perspective and helps prevent the possibility of only stubbornly pushing your own desires.

   The Other Partner Responds.

   • If the partner agrees with the whole suggestion, then recap why it works.
   • If the partner does not agree:
     • start with recapping the part that does work: "The part that does work is ________.
     • The part that doesn't work is ________.
     • So my alternative suggestion is ________.
     • This suggestion works for me because ________.
     • And it might work for you because ________.

   Add value to your offers. Keep finding ways to make it easier for your partner to say yes.

   Repeat suggestions until agreement is reached.

4. Take Action:

   If action is appropriate, decide who will do what by when.

   Decide for how long you will try this solution.

   After the action phase come back and evaluate the results.

   If things are fine, continue for another block of time.

   If it didn't work out as well as hoped, each person begins by saying, "Honey, it didn't work the way I hoped, but here is what I could have done differently." Don't start by stating what your partner should have done differently.
   Then repeat appropriate steps above.

Source: Solving Conflicts in Your Relationship: Negotiation Strategies for Couples published by Dr. Ellyn Bader at the Sideroad.

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For many parents, the reality of having to share your children's time during the holidays with your ex-spouse may always be awkward and uncomfortable. However, Rachel Bryant, a licensed psychologist in private practice in New York, published an article this week in The Star-Gazette (Elmira, NY), in which she suggests the following steps to help those parents deal with such feelings:

• Don't forget that your relationship with your children will always be more important to them than where they spent the 25th of December in 2005. Long after the holidays are over, it is the loving bond between parents and their children that sustain them and provide a model for the kind of parent that they will one day want to be.

• Your children may be very upset about where they will be for part or all of the holiday. It can be hard not to use their feelings to validate and fuel your own. Sometimes, ex-spouses do intentionally ruin plans for a family's Christmas out of anger or spite. But children need to be protected from this conflict as it only adds to their own confusion, sense of loss, and hurt.

• Although it may be tempting, try to avoid saying things like, "It's your father's (or mother's) fault we can't do things like we always do." Empower yourself and your children with statements like, "I know, this would not be my first choice either. But let's see how we can make this the best holiday it can be."

• Focus on what you can do, rather than what outside interference has taken away. What do you want your children to take away from this season? Is it the family time together, the joy of opening presents Christmas morning, or the spiritual message of the season that is important to give your children this time of year. All three of these can be accomplished regardless of visitation schedules. Again, it may not be your first choice, but if the message vs. having it your way is the priority for your children, than all can still be accomplished.

• In today's divorce-torn world, even Santa has come to the rescue, making a second trip for children he knows will have to divide their holiday. And many a parent can attest that just as a child can believe in the magic of Santa coming once, so too can he believe in the magic of Santa coming twice. It's o.k. to tell your child that Santa will leave some presents at Daddy's house on this date, and some at Mommy's house on another date, because he knows that you will be both places this year.

• As for spending time together, use the time you have to make holiday moments with your children. Kids' memories of what Mom or Dad did for the holidays are not bound by a date. Special decorations, traditional songs, shopping sprees, family recipes, or new traditions are still all yours for the making.

• As for the spiritual message of the season, that is something to be taught all year round, and is anticipated in the several weeks before. Use all of this time to instill your particular faith and hope in your children through books, conversations, movies and services. Even though the 25th (which is also the first day of Hanukkah) may be in dispute, no one can monopolize the message of the season.

• Take special care of yourself this season. While we all can get exhausted with work, family, holiday demands, etc., the parent who is struggling with the painful reality of family separation has an immeasurable additional burden. One of the best ways you can help your kids to get through this change, even if it is not the first year, is to let them see you take care of yourself. Use your family, friends, prayer, hobbies, therapy, exercise, work, a massage, a manicure, or all of the above, to bring yourself moments of comfort, sustenance, and peace. You have a right to your deep feelings and reactions to what has happened, and you need to take care of them. And remember, it is ultimately your love, and with that love your lessons for your children, that they will take with them forever.

Source: "Sharing the Kids Can be Painful This Time of Year" by Rachel Bryant.

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When parents divorce, their Divorce Decrees usually contain specific visitation provisions which spell out when each parent has the children during the holidays. Some parents insist on strict adherence to this schedule, while others are flexible and "go with the flow." Dr. Ruth Peters recently wrote an article in which she lists the following suggestions (from both herself and Isolina Ricci, author of Mom's House, Dad's House) to help divorced parents with regard to holiday planning:

• Try to plan your holiday times well ahead. If you haven't made plans yet, do it now!

• Try to be flexible if it really doesn't harm your own holiday plans, and if the kids voice a desire to visit with both sides of the family. If the ex-spouses can co-parent cooperatively, they may be able to give their children the best gift of all -- spending time with each parent.

• Consider your hopes for this holiday season -- the times with the children, the times without the children. Have several versions, all acceptable to you. Be very specific when making plans. Which parent will have the children, which day? For how long? Who will do the transporting?

• Present these alternatives to the other parent. (If you don't communicate well in person or on the telephone, use the mail or email.) Give the other parent time to think about your proposals and to respond.

• If you talk in person or by phone, follow up your understanding of the conversation with a brief and informal note of confirmation. When emotionally laden post-divorce holidays tangle with practical matters such as dates, plans, expenses and responsibilities, written confirmation is essential.

• Be careful and cautious if considering having Mom, Dad and the kids all under one roof just like old times for Christmas, as this often sends the wrong message to the kids. Pretending that you are reunited again for the children often becomes too painful for the adults and inappropriate for children, who harbor hopes for a reconciliation (which most children do).

• If your children are old enough to participate in the planning stages, by all means make them part of your discussions and give them a voice in the decision about holiday visitation. However, the final responsibility for holiday decisions should remain with the adults, as expecting children to make heavy decisions does not produce happy holidays.

Source: "Give Peace to Your Family This Holiday Season" by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D.

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Dr. Ruth Peters writes in a recent article, "the holidays are about family, love and some presents -- it shouldn't be a materialistic free-for-all." Unfortunately, in separated or divorced families, the focus is all too often misplaced onto the gifts. Dr. Peters recommends that such families consider and coordinate the gift-giving, and she stresses that cooperation is the key.

Jennifer Lewis, M.D. and William Sammons, M.D. suggested some general gift-giving guidelines in their book, Don't Divorce Your Children:

• Children pay a cost that is too high to bear when gifts replace parental time and attention.

• If your children prefer your gifts to your time, then the relationship is in big trouble.

• Minutes mean more than dollars. "We don't have enough time together," is said just as often by kids as by adults.

• If you leave the price tag on or you make a point of what the gift cost, it's not really a gift -- it's a notice of debt or obligation.

• Gifts are fine, but a definite luxury when finances are tight for either parent. Don't put your child in a bind by having a gift cost a support payment or somehow seriously hurt the financial status of the other parent.

• If you spend money on the kids and expect an emotional payback proportional to the dollars invested, spare the children your disappointment if their reactions don't fulfill your expectations.

• If you have more than one child, the gifts need to be comparable in value to each child. That does not mean they have to cost the same. But if one child's "price tag" is always greater than the other's, the message of favoritism may be sent.

• Don't spoil the holidays by competing with the other parent or putting the other parent in a position of resenting your gift. Such acts ruin the celebrations for the children. If you are escalating into one-upmanship, call a truce before the losses get to be too great.

Source: "Give Peace to Your Family This Holiday Season" by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D.

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So, you're now divorced and you think you're ready to begin dating. Wouldn't it be nice to have some helpful tips and suggestions for how best to go about this process? Well, today's your luck day. The Charlotte Observer recently published an article which addressed this very issue. Want to hear them? Here you go:

• Don't get too serious too soon. Just because you are ready to date doesn't mean that you are ready for a serious relationship. You are better off to keep things light, have some fun, and date lots of people.

• Don't get into too much detail. While the subject of past relationships will certainly come up at some point, the last thing your date wants to hear is a blow-by-blow about how horrible your marriage was. You can be honest without spilling your guts.

• Don't disparage your former spouse. Your date will simply substitute his/her own name for the ex's, thereby going from first date to marriage to divorce faster than he/she can say, "Call me a cab."

• Don't treat the date as a psychology session. While it might be endlessly fascinating to you that in the course of extensive therapy you came to realize that your insecurity and inability to commit stemmed from the fact that your mother didn't breast-feed you long enough, your date will just think you're nuts.

• Don't dwell on your favorite topic -- you. Your date will have time to discover all the wonderful things about you over time. Talking about yourself excessively will only serve to make you sound like an egomaniac

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Most people probably knew that an unhappy marriage could have a negative effect on your mental health. However, a recent study suggest that such marriages can have a lasting effect on your physical health as well. Unhappy Marriage: Bad for Your Health by Jennifer Warner cites a study recently published in the Archives of General Psychiatry. This study suggests that constant marital conflict can decrease the release of a certain protein, which can lead to a variety of diseases, such as heart disease, cancer, arthritis, diabetes, depression, and even delays in wound healing.

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Just because parents cannot get along with each other doesn't mean that they shouldn't work together for the benefit of their children. Here are some tips to help such parents make the holidays brighter for their children:

• Don't tell children on the first day of Christmas or any other holiday that you're divorcing. From that day forward, the holiday will be marked with what will be a haunting memory.

• Children don't need to be on a flight late Christmas Eve flying to visit a parent in another state. Ideally, children need to be settled before big events.

• Communicate with the former spouse about gifts so children won't get two iPods or two of anything they don't need two of.

• Children almost always want parents together, especially around the holidays. When there is a divorce, remember the child may be grieving, no matter his age. Even kids coming home from college at Christmas still want that warm family portrait.

• If Dad stays over on Christmas Eve just so he will be there when the children wake up the next morning, remember that the children may think Santa Claus has granted them their wish for Mom and Dad to get back together. There will be another disappointment when the children find out that a reunion isn't in the parents' plans at all.

• Act like a guest in the former spouse's house: Keep the visit short, admire the tree and look at the gifts the children received. Leave shortly thereafter.

• Never forget that divorce is always a loss, whether it's a good loss or a bad loss.

• Most children have huge expectations around Christmas, but a parent should recognize that the gifts are often overshadowed by the absence of a divorced parent they might see only during the summer.

• If folks have recently embarked on a separation or divorce, they need to be thoughtful of taking care of themselves. TV programs around holidays are often about family and togetherness. A parent might be advised to avoid them if they're upsetting. A parent might want to take a walk to a coffeehouse instead. To hold the holidays together for the children, a parent has to have the energy to be the glue.

• Not only during the holidays but also before and after them, keep the children out of the crossfire of divorce.

• Remember the child always loves the absent parent regardless of how bad things were before the divorce. The other parent should allow the child to express that love.

• Parents, divorced or not, should always behave in a positive manner because their children are watching them. How a parent treats another parent is how a child learns how to treat others.

• Divorced parents might want to create new traditions for their children during the holidays.

• Though divorce around the holidays can be overwhelmingly sad for children, remember that divorce is no cakewalk in January, February, March or any other time of year.

Source: Divorced Couples Need to Handle Holidays With Care for the Sake of the Children published in The Daily Record (Parsippany, NJ). Thanks to The Family Scholars Blog for their post about this article.

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You have made the decision to contact a marriage counselor. The next question is "How to choose the right marriage counselor?" The success of your counseling experience will relate directly to your compatibility with your counselor.

Before you call a Marriage Counselor

Ask yourself why you are consulting a marriage counselor. Define your issues as best as you can in order to communicate them to your prospective therapist. Outline what you would like to gain from counseling. Is it important to you that a marriage counselor be familiar with the issues at hand? Do you prefer a marriage counselor that is married? Is it important that your marriage counselor has raised children? Do you have a preference as to a female or male marriage counselor? How far are you willing to commute to a marriage counselor's office? What hours are you available to commit to counseling sessions?

Fees

Decide what you can afford to pay a marriage counselor. There a several questions you may want to ask a marriage counselor with regards to fees, such as:

• How much does the therapist charge per session?

• Does the therapist charge according to income (sliding scale)?

• Is there a policy concerning vacations and missed or canceled sessions? Is there a charge?

• Will your health insurance cover you if you see this therapist?

• Will the therapist want you to pay after each session, or will you be billed periodically?

Questions to Ask a Family & Marriage Counselor

Other questions to keep in mind while searching for a marriage counselor you are comfortable with include:

• How many times a week will the therapist want to see you?

• How long is a typical session?

• How long does the therapist expect treatment to last?

• What are some of the treatment approaches likely to be used?

• Does the therapist accept phone calls at the office or at home?

• When your therapist is out of town or otherwise unavailable, is there someone else you can call if an emergency arises?

• Are there any limitations on confidentiality?

Credentials

Marriage counselors' academic degrees are different. The type of credentials may be of importance to you throughout your search for the right marriage counselor.

• M.S.W.: Master of Social Work

  Social Workers apply social work theory, knowledge, methods and ethics to restore or enhance the functioning (social, psychosocial) of individuals, couples, families, and groups, as well as organizations and communities.

• M.F.C.C.: Marriage, Family and Child Counselor

  An MFCC therapist has earned a Master of Science degree in counseling with a specialization in marriage, family and child issues. MFCC's are trained to understand problems from both individual and family systems perspectives; develop intervention skills; incorporate cultural, age-specific, and gender-respectful understanding in theory and practice; and handle clinical, ethical, legal and general professional aspects of their practice.

• M.F.T.: Marriage and Family Therapist

  A marriage and family therapist has earned a master's degree in social work with a particular emphasis on relationships. This professional is interested in who each person is within the context of their family, both past and present. Marriage and family therapy applies therapeutic techniques and focuses on issues of human development, communication skills, and interpersonal relationships.

• L.C.S.W.: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

  The LCSW is a state licensure designation for practitioners with a master's or doctoral degree in social work. Clinical Social Work, a practice specialty of Social Work, utilizes social work theory, knowledge, methods, and ethics to restore or enhance the functioning of individuals, couples, families, and groups, as well as organizations and communities.

Call Around

Once your search has been narrowed to a handful of marriage counselors, pick up the phone. Most therapists will have a brief phone consultation with you and answer most questions you might have. The phone consultation is a great way to determine if you and the prospective marriage counselor might work well together.

Source for Post: "How to Choose a Marriage Counselor" by Shelly Phegley at 1st for Marriage Blog and Counsel-Search.com, The National Directory of Marriage Counseling. Thanks to Grant D. Griffiths of the Kansas Family and Divorce Lawyer for his post about this article.

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The following article was published last month in The Charlotte Observer. It may be a difficult read for some, as it suggests that we consider the possibility that our own actions may be at least partially to blame for our poor relationships with our former spouses.

Dear Amy: I ended my marriage of nine years last year. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I have a wonderful 6-year-old son. He has adjusted pretty well, better than his father. His father continues to be angry. He feels I have robbed his life. He let me buy our home (probably because he needed the money). But everything about our son is a battle.

He won't let me take our son to a child psychologist to make sure he is adjusting well. He won't make any adjustments to our ludicrous custody schedule (one week with each parent). He won't see a family mediator, even though we agreed to that in our settlement agreement. He uses our son to get back at me, but I can't respond in kind because I don't want to do that to our son. What are your magic words for me?

Amy's Response: Go back and reread your letter. In it, everything having to do with your husband is negative. You paint him as an angry loser. I point this out because you have a part to play in this. Everything you do and say rains down on your dear boy. I don't know if your custody schedule is "ludicrous" (it doesn't sound like it to me), but you agreed to it. Your separation agreement is legally binding, and you need to make the best of it, for your son's sake.

I'm sure you'd like to think your son is adjusting well, but I simply don't believe it, mainly because he's 6 and his parents are living apart, shuttling him back and forth, and battling over everything. If you think he should be seen by a psychologist (I do), then take him. Your ex also needs help, and I hope you (or a family court judge) can get him to attend mediation meetings with you. A mediator will coach you to work out these important details respectfully.

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On the way into the office this morning, I noticed the following bumper sticker: Marriage Is The Only War Where You Sleep With The Enemy. At first, I thought I had misread it, but unfortunately not. For some reason, I could not stop thinking about it. It didn't seem to be a failed attempt at humor, nor did it seem to be an anti-domestic violence sticker. I can only presume that the sticker is some outward, ugly scar exhibited by someone who is (a) extremely sour with the entire concept of marriage or (b) simply unable to get over a failed relationship. The scowl firmly impressed on the face of the woman driving the vehicle indicated that my suspicions are probably not too far off base.

One of the more effective (and creative) concepts used in voir dire of potential jurors is to ask what bumper stickers they have on their vehicles. The theory is that you can learn a great deal of information about people by learning what they feel passionately about, that is, what motivates them to stick a piece of plastic to the outside of their vehicle for all the world to see. Are they very religious (Jesus fish or church sticker)? Do they endorse certain politicians(current or past candidates)? Are they involved with certain political issues (gun rights, abortion, etc.)? Do they just have a good sense of humor (honk if you like Willie Nelson)?

It is from that point of view that I pondered the bumper sticker lady and what she is telling the world. We all make decisions which we later regret, and we all go through difficult times. However, we have the ability to determine how (and to what extent) we allow them to affect us later in life. What possible good can come from dwelling on viewing marriage as a war and your spouse as the enemy? What a sad commentary on the state of that person's life.

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Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW, a social worker in Dundas, Ontario, wrote the following excellent article, Children and Parents Adjust to Separation, which I strongly recommend to all parents who are separated:

You haven't separated physically yet, but the ink is dry on your parenting plan agreement and you are ready to go your separate ways. Now reality bites!

Although many parents don't talk about it, the final act of separation cuts like a knife, particularly when previously living on a full time basis with the kids. Now ready to start a new home, you are struck by the fact you will not be with your children on a full time basis as accustomed. The sense of loss and upset sets in and for many is overwhelming. Few are actually spared the process of mourning, even those who initiated the separation. Some parents are actually surprised by the depth of sadness when this part of the separation takes hold.

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In a contested custody hearing earlier this week, I had a Family Court Judge order the parents to exchange information about their children via email. No other communication was allowed between these parties (due to the allegations by both of harassment and misusing the telephone). For quite some time, I have encouraged my clients to take advantage of today's technology and use email when communicating with the opposing party. Fortunately, our courts have begun to get on the bandwagon recently in highly contested cases and encourage (if not require) parties to do the same.

Communicating by email has several advantages over other methods:

1. The sender has time to carefully consider what to include in the email.
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   Tags: Children, Relationships
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I came across an interesting analysis and discussion of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), Time to Defund Feminist Pork -- the Hate-Men Law by Phyllis Schlafly. The VAWA debate has given rise to strong emotions on both sides of this issue, and Ms. Schlafly's position can be summarized in her statement that it is "time to stop VAWA from spending any more taxpayers' money to promote family dissolution and fatherless children." This article is an interesting read, and I will post on the other side of this debate in the near future.

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Holidays can be an especially difficult time for divorced parents. These special days can give rise to additional stress -- especially so in relationships that may already be strained or broken. Sharyn T. Sooho has published 10 Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents on About.com, which gives several good suggestions to help in these situations. Ms. Sooho's tips are listed below, along with my comments for each.

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The Alaska Supreme Court on Friday ruled that it is unconstitutional to bar benefits to the same-sex partners of public employees. Overturning a lower-court ruling, the state's high court said that barring benefits for state and city employees' same-sex partners violates the equal protection clause of the Alaska Constitution.

This decision is regarded as a victory for gay-rights advocates in one of the first states to pass a constitutional ban on gay marriage. "It's a good day for Alaska families," said Carrie Evans, state legislative director for the Washington, D.C.-based Human Rights Campaign. She said the decision sets the stage for Alaska to join 11 other states that already have laws, policies or union contracts providing employee benefits in all eligible same-sex unions.

Alaska Governor Frank Murkowski issued a press release stating he was "absolutely outraged by this shameful court ruling." The governor says he intends to introduce a constitutional amendment in the Legislature when it returns next session to overturn the ruling, and he has directed the attorney general's office to find a way to overturn it. However, Anchorage city attorney Fred Boness said officials would not appeal the court's decision. "We're disappointed that we lost, and I think it means we're going to have to provide those benefits in the future to qualifying same-sex couples," Boness said.

Here are links to the Court's opinion in Alaska Civil Liberties Union v. State of Alaska and to various article discussing this decision: The Seattle Times, MSNBC.com, USA Today, and the Family Law Prof Blog.

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The investigators at Carolina Investigations, Inc. wrote the following article, which is a must-read if you suspect your spouse of being unfaithful.

An Overview of Spousal Surveillance

Investigating a cheating spouse is a delicate matter. Several important factors need to be considered before hand to help increase the odds of getting the proof you are seeking and to ensure that what the investigator finds is going to meet your needs.

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You have certainly heard of "Dumb Crook News," where the misdeeds of minimally intelligent criminals are highlighted. Well, I encountered its close cousin in a recent case. A husband/father in a recent divorce and custody case thought it would be a good idea to blog about his personal life, including his pending divorce, his personal drinking exploits, etc. This person made numerous posts about drinking to excess and wasting money on alcohol and other frivolous expenses. All the while, he was claiming in his Family Court case that he had no money to pay his child support and other obligations to his wife.

His wife found out about his blog, and we were carefully monitoring it, gathering very useful information to use against him in the final hearing. Suffice it to say that he was digging himself a very deep hole from which I do not think he could dig himself out. Fortunately for him, he agreed to settle this case at the last minute, and he probably still does not know to this day that he was providing ammunition to be used against him.

Obviously, the moral of this story is don't blog about yourself (especially your questionable conduct) when you have a Family Court case going on. I advise my clients to act as though a Judge was observing their conduct at all times and not to do or say anything that they would not want the Judge to see or hear. Common sense is usually one's best guide in this area, something which the husband referenced above was certainly lacking.

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I never cease to be amazed by the terrible, hurtful things that people say to each other. For instance, I had a client several years ago whose ex-wife sent a card to him from his young children on Father's Day that said Happy "Sperm Donor's" Day. Needless to say, when we introduced that card as an exhibit in our custody case against her, the Court was less than amused. Fortunately, at least in that instance, all's well that ends well, as my client obtained custody of his children in that case. However, I am sure that every Father's Day he cannot help but remember those hurtful words.

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Family Court cases tend to breed negativity by their very nature. In almost every case, someone loses. Sometimes, both sides lose. Losing tends to lead to negativity. Wouldn't it be great to have some insight into how to best deal with negative people?

AskMen.com published an article, How To Deal With Negative People, which can prove to be quite useful to those involved in Family Court litigation. Their suggestions (which are discussed in more depth in the article) are:

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I came across this quote by Robert T. Allen earlier today, which I thought was very profound:

The truth is that everything that can be accomplished by showing a person when he's wrong, ten times as much can be accomplished by showing him where he is right. The reason we don't do it so often is that it's more fun to throw a rock through a window than to put in a pane of glass.

How does this apply to family law? Unfortunately, verbal barbs (if not outright verbal combat) is a regular occurrence in many Family Court cases. After reading this quote, I couldn't help but wonder how much smoother cases would go if parties made an effort to make positive comments to each other instead of negative ones.

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I previously blogged about the study of divorce and remarriage conducted by the Hetherington Laboratory at the University of Virginia. This study also made some interesting findings about the impact of marriage on men and on women.

For Men -- Men seem to benefit simply from the state of being married. Married men enjoy better health and longevity and fewer psychological and behavioral problems than single men.

For Women -- On the other hand, women are more sensitive to the emotional quality of the marriage. They benefit from being in a well-functioning marriage, but they are likely to experience depression, immune-system breakdowns, and other health-related problems in troubled marriages.

An in-depth discussion of the Hetherington study can be found at The American Prospect online.

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"In this age of telecommunications and voice messaging, there is still no substitute for quiet, prolonged exposure of one soul to another." So begins an insightful article, On Listening and Other Rare, Exotic Habits, by Hans and Donna Finzel on Family.org. The authors believe (rightfully so) that good communication is one of the keys to a successful marriage. (No kidding, Ben. Tell us something that we didn't know.)

Being a divorce attorney, I see relationships at their end. The majority of the issues contested in Family Court cases are of the "he said / she said" variety, and many of these arise from poor (or downright bad) communication. The Finzels' article contains practical tips to help husbands and wives avoid many of the most common problems and improve their communication skills and ultimately their relationship. This article is almost a miniature "Mars/Venus," and it is worth a quick read.

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How long will it take for me to get over this divorce? I am frequently asked this question, and I explain that a divorce is the death of a relationship and that it takes time to recover, just as it does with an actual death. However, I believe that almost everyone does recover, but the time frame of doing so varies widely.

My thoughts are comparable to those of a comprehensive study of divorce and remarriage conducted by the Hetherington Laboratory at the University of Virginia, which made several interesting and revealing findings on this topic:

• In the early years after divorce, ex-spouses typically must cope with lingering attachments; with resentment and anger, self-doubts, guilt, depression, and loneliness; with the stress of separation from children or of raising them alone; and with the loss of social networks (and for women, of economic security).

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An article in Health magazine by Jennifer Foote Sweeney asks that question. Ms. Sweeney expresses frustration with the current icons for teenage girls: "mean girls," whom she calls "glaring examples of empowerment gone wrong." How are today's parents to deal with these "teen vipers, and their desperate-housewife mothers"?

This article compares the theories contained in the recently published book Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees by Cheryl Dellasega, PhD, GNP with the findings of a study conducted in Finland by Dr. Kaj Bjorkqvist, Sex Differences in Covert Aggression Among Adults.

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Losing a child can create enormous stress in a marriage. Many times, this stress can lead to divorce. The Deseret Morning News of Salt Lake City, Utah reported that Cindy Sheehan's husband has filed for divorce. Of course, Ms. Sheehan is the woman camped outside President Bush's vacation ranch in Crawford, Texas to protest the death of her son who was killed in the Iraq war in April of 2004. The Sheehans had been high school sweethearts.

Closer to home, the Spartanburg Herald-Journal ran an article last week about Carolyn Hutchings, whose son was also killed in Iraq in March of 2003. This article stated that although Ms. Hutchings supports the troops, she does not support the war and she agrees with Ms. Sheehan's position. As with the Sheehans, the Hutchings' marriage also unraveled after the death of their son and ultimately resulted in a divorce.

I have represented spouses who have lost a child in Iraq, and I have seen first hand the devastating effect that death had on both my client and his/her spouse. Each of the thousands of soldiers who have died in Iraq has left behind a family that has had to pick up the pieces of their lives. I do not know what percentage of families who have lost a son or daughter in Iraq have subsequently separated or divorced, but the proximity of these two stories in the news cycle seemed interesting and not necessarily coincidental.

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lexisONE reports that the number of divorces is declining, and they claim this decrease is largely because couples are postponing, choosing not to, or are legally unable to get married. This article claims there are 11 million unmarried couples in committed relationships and sharing financial obligations.

There are 1,140 federal laws that apply to married couples, and "for better or worse" these laws do not apply to these couples. The "better" encompasses such items as avoiding the so-called marriage penalty on income taxes. However, the "worse" means that these couples are not entitled to the many protections that married couples enjoy, which range from health insurance benefits to property rights to inheritances.

These couples can take steps to develop and execute documents to mirror some of those protections, but they are neither easy nor inexpensive. An attorney can assist these couples with these areas, and as with most legal issues, the sooner this is done the better.

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An offshoot of the growth of the internet has been the increase in what are commonly referred to as "emotional affairs." This relatively new concept occurs when a spouse begins to share intimate thoughts, feelings, and concerns with a person of the opposite sex other than his/her spouse. In an emotional affair, the spouse actually begins to prefer sharing these items with the new person as opposed to his/her spouse.

AskMen.com recently published an article containing discussion as to whether emotional affairs are worse than the "more traditional" sexual affairs. The author, Julia Morrison, gives her opinion as to that question as well as what you should do if you have had an affair. It is well worth a quick read, as it can give you insight which could be relevant to your marriage or relationship.

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In-laws can sometimes be the nudge that pushes an already failing relationship over the edge. These relationships are awkward by nature -- one spouse is entering the other's already-established family structure. The potential for problems in these situations can be (and often is) intensified in marriages between younger adults. In my practice, I have seen these problems come in all shapes and sizes, including:

A mother who can't cut her apron strings when her little darling gets married is often a recipie for disaster. A parent acting maliciously can emphasize every misstep (real or perceived) by the spouse and therefore intensify it in an attempt to keep her child for herself.

In other cases, one spouse might compare the other to his/her parent. Perhaps, one's wife cannot cook as good as his mother did, or one's husband just can't be the great provider that her father was.

Still other situations can result from a spouse persecuting his/her spouse for the misdeeds of his/her parent. If one's parents divorced due to adultery, that spouse may naturally be hyper-sensitive to the possibility that his/her spouse might be unfaithful. Similar problems can arise if there was domestic violence or substance abuse in one's home while growing up.

Anything that can be done to improve one's relationship with his/her in-laws can only help strengthen one's marriage. Family.org published a helpful article, Getting Along with Your In-Laws, that is well worth a read. Among the insights offered in this article are (1) do what you can to build the relationship, (2) don't compete with other family members, (3) refocus your perspective by looking for the positive, and (4)accept reality. Other suggestions are made for acting considerately in general in all relationships.

I would recommend this article, no matter what type of relationship you have (or thinkg you have) with your in-laws. It can't hurt and it could help. The marriage you save may be your own.

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At the risk of sounding like John Grey, I believe that men and women are wired very differently. My male clients generally act/react completely differently from my female clients. For instance, in a divorce, men are typically more concerned with asset preservation, whereas women tend to focus on cash flow.

When marriages begin to sour, these differences can move to the forefront of the relationship and become highlighted. That habit of his/hers that was once so endearing now drives you absolutely crazy. Perhaps if men and women knew more about each other and how they differ, they might be better able to handle problems when they do arive, and thus have a chance to salvage their marriages or to at least part on better terms.

John Perrodin recently wrote an interesting article, What Women Want...to Know, that attempts to provide insight into what makes men tick by addressing male-isms, such as why men must always control the t.v. remote. It's worth a quick read as a step toward better understanding.

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