South Carolina Family Law Blog : Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Stevens-MacPhail Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition, provides the following excellent advice for Thanksgiving:

Thanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season. Although usually less fraught with anxiety than Christmas, if it is the first “big holiday” since your estrangement from your spouse, you may be dreading the day. It also may be your first holiday without your children.

Going through a divorce can give you the perfect “excuse” to break with tradition and forge your own way of celebrating. Spending the holiday home by yourself watching videos and eating Chinese take-out (yes, they are open on Thanksgiving) may be just what you need to do! Evelyn prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner for herself of her favorite foods. She set the table with linen and candles and put on music she liked. Then she enjoyed the day celebrating by herself. Divorce gives you the opportunity to listen to what you want and what works for you. It can be a time of loss of traditions, but it also can signal liberation from those traditions, rituals, and obligations that no longer have meaning for you.

If you do decide to spend the holiday alone, some people may feel uncomfortable with your decision. Stand your ground. Know what is right for you. If you need to spend the day cleaning out the basement or making cookies, then do it! Pay attention to your own needs.

If you have your children for the holiday, you may want to discuss alternate plans with them. Some families go to the movies on Thanksgiving Day, eschewing the big turkey for a big bag of popcorn. You can make new choices to fit your life. Above all remember, every holiday is only twenty four hours. You can get through twenty four hours. Next year won’t carry the same weight as this year. You will be surprised when you look back on how far you have really come. You will be able to affirm that the journey was tough, but worth it!

One final word on Thanksgiving—whatever you decide to do, set aside a few minutes to express and feel your gratitude. You can do this in prayer, with your children, in a letter to yourself, or in volunteering. There are good things in your life. When you neglect to honor them, you give divorce too much power. Divorce is not your whole life, but rather something that happens in your life!

Adapted from Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, published From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which was was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009.

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Some people choose to spend a lot of time, effort, and money fighting over personal property.  However, as experienced family law attorneys know, there is a better way to handle those issues.  The following post explains a common sense approach to dividing personal property in a divorce (or separation) case:

The division of personal property in a divorce can be one of the most expensive, emotional, and wasteful parts of a case. Parties will often spend thousands of dollars arguing over a very inexpensive piece of personal property.

Personal property, meaning furniture, art, family photos, pets, and other general property, in a divorce is treated no differently than the division of other assets. A dollar value figure is placed on the property and the allocation of property is dealt with as part of the general division of assets and debts. For example, if all of the personal property is worth $20,000 and one party takes all of it, they would owe the other party $10,000 as either a cash payment or out of the division of some other asset or by taking on a similar amount of debt.

The better way to deal with the division is for the parties to agree on who takes what piece of furniture and not assign a dollar figure to anything. This can be more complicated with valuable artwork. Family photos are generally given to one party with the other party having an option to make copies.

If there is a clear dispute over which property each party wants, the easiest method is to have the personal property appraised. The appraiser will make a list of all property and assign dollar values to each piece and then the judge can make a determination of how it is divided.

Some property is not included as a marital asset. Generally this happens with jewelry or other clear gifts that were intended to be given to the other party and not shared. In that case, there will be no offset and the property will go to the party whom received the gift. One example is that a wedding ring always stays with the party who received it.

Source: "How to Divide Personal Property in a Divorce" by Daniel Margolin, posted at The Oregon Divorce Blog.

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Question:

Can South Carolina grant me a divorce if I was married in North Carolina?

Answer:

The State in which you were married does not have anything to do with the State in which you can get divorced or separated.  If both you and your spouse have lived in South Carolina for more than three months (or either one of you for over a year), then SC will have jurisdiction to address your separation/divorce case.

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If you are facing a separation or divorce, you should read the article by Christina Laun, which contains 100 tips and resources.  Some of her tips are listed below, along with a listing of the other categories covered in this excellent article.

1. Accept that it’s over. Your divorce may have come as a surprise and you may not be the one that wants the split, but hanging on to a relationship where one partner isn’t committed is just going to make you more miserable in the long run. Start learning to accept that your marriage is over and thinking about your life after the split.
2. Set realistic goals. Like with any breakup, it’s going to take time to get over your divorce. Set personal goals for yourself that are both challenging and realistic to help you get back on track.
3. Get to know the laws of your state. Depending on the state you’re in, what you’re entitled to after a divorce can vary widely. Read up on divorce law in your state to find out what you’ll be facing in court.
4. Protect your assets. You may think it can’t happen to you, but some spouses have drained joint accounts, racked up huge expenses and more when they know divorce is on the horizon. As soon as you can, dissolve joint accounts, resolve life insurance policies and make sure other valuables are in a secure, third-party location until the divorce is over.
5. Be open and honest with your children. If you have children, be honest with them about what is going on. Avoid laying blame and talking bad about your spouse, however, as this will only serve to confuse and hurt children.
6. Keep it civil. You may be fighting mad at your spouse but screaming at them and being unnecessarily mean won’t make you feel any better. Keep things as calm and as civil as you can.
7. Be reasonable. Marriage is all about compromise and so is divorce. Be reasonable in what you expect to take away from it so neither of you end up with additional animosity towards one another.
8. Seek out support. Going through a divorce can be rough and you’ll likely need the support of friends and family to get through it. If you don’t feel you can talk to them, find a support group or therapist where you can vent.
9. Hire a lawyer you trust. Getting a good lawyer is essential to not getting taken for a ride during your divorce. Try to find someone that your friends and family can recommend or whom you feel comfortable with.
10. Don’t settle for less than you’re entitled to. It may be tempted to cut negotiations short just to get things over with, but taking less that you deserve will hurt you in the long run. Keep negotiations calm and collected and follow through to the end.
11. Avoid forcing children to choose sides. No matter who is at fault for the divorce, children are going to love and want to be with both parents. Don’t force children to choose sides or use them to pass on hurtful messages to your spouse.
12. Keep yourself healthy and rested. With all the stress from a divorce it can be hard to make time to eat right, get enough sleep, and generally take are of yourself. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by doing this, however, so set the time aside to tend to your own needs.
13. Don’t say or do anything you don’t want to show up in court. You may have a lot of choice words for your spouse, but during a divorce it’s probably better to keep them to yourself. You never know what may be used against you in court.

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Source:  "Healthy Separation: 100 Tips and Resources to Get You Through a Divorce" by Christina Laun, published at The Love Coach.  Thanks also to Jason C. Brown of the Minnesota Divorce & Family Law Blog for his post about this article.

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Question:  My husband left about three month ago, and he and I haven't had any contact since then. How long must I wait before I can file for divorce?

Answer:  If you have only been separated for 90 days, then neither of you can file for a divorce yet, unless one or more of the fault grounds (adultery, alcohol/drug abuse, or physical abuse) are involved.  If there is no fault, then you must live apart for a year before you can file for a divorce.  However, you can file for a legal separation now, and in many situations, it is a smart idea to do so and protect yourself and your assets, rather than simply doing nothing for a year.

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Question:  I have been separated from my spouse for 4 months.  I would now like to start dating again. If I do so, can my spouse pursue a divorce from me based on adulery?  I am concerned because I don't want to lose my house.

Answer:  You have several issues referenced in your question.  If you are "legally separated" (meaning you have been issued a Decree of Separate Maintenance from the Family Court), then none of the financial issues addressed in that Order will be changed by any adultery at this point.  However, if you are only physically separated (meaning you are simply living apart from your spouse), then any adultery at this point will most liklely have an effect on how the financial issues in your case are decided.  Finally, if you are still married, your spouse can file for a divorce on the ground of adultery whether you are legally separated or not.

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The following tips can help make your divorce case easier, less stressful, and less expensive:

1. Locate, organize and copy all financial records. Make one copy for yourself and a second for your attorney. Save the originals.
2. Close all joint bank and brokerage accounts. If that’s not possible, freeze access to the accounts.
3. Close all joint credit accounts. Open new accounts in your own name.
4. Maintain a written record of all expenses run up during the separation. This also includes joint expenses such as bills paid and home improvements or auto maintenance.
5. Establish your net worth. Keep a record of all income during the separation. Save pay stubs, bank and brokerage statements.
6. The forced sale of stock or other investments is likely to have tax implications. Consult your financial planner as needed.
7. Before the settlement conference, make a list of what you seek right down to household goods.
8. If there’s something you know your soon-to-be ex wants in the property settlement, don’t give it away in a hopeless effort to establish goodwill. Use it as a bargaining chip and trade it for something you want.
9. Settle out of court. This will cut legal costs and ease your jangled nerves.

Source:  "Making Divorce As Painless As Possible" by Scott Reeves, published at Minyanville.  Thanks also to Jeffrey Lalloway of the California Divorce and Family Law blog for his post on this subject.

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Cheating spouses now have one more way to get caught in their philandering.  Electronic toll collection systems are emerging as a powerful means of proving infidelity.  Attorneys can obtain records from these services and use that information to prove that a spouse was not where he/she claimed to be. 

The Associated Press reports that agencies in seven of the twelve states surveyed indicated that they would provide electronic toll information in response to court orders in criminal and civil cases, including divorces.  Even if the state agency refuses to provide the information, it can frequently be obtained from the other spouse through the normal discovery process.

Source:  "Toll Records Trip Up Philanderers" by Chris Newmarker, published at The Huffington Post.

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Question:  I decided a while ago that being married is just not for me anymore.  When I told my husband about my feelings, he moved into the guest room in our house, and we have now been sleeping in separate bedrooms for about six months.  I read that there is a waiting period in South Carolina for a no-fault divorce.  If we have been living in separate bedrooms and not having sex, will the Court count these last six months toward the required waiting period?
 
Answer:  In South Carolina, you must live apart for over one year in order to get a “no fault” divorce.  Living apart means that you must live in separate residences under different roofs.  In other words, living in separate bedrooms in the same house does NOT count toward the one year requirement.  

If you have already decided that you do not want to be married anymore, then you should act to protect yourself and your interests.  If any of the following factors apply, you should consult an experienced family law attorney to discuss whether you will benefit from obtaining a legal separation:

• You have any significant assets, including real estate, retirement accounts, a business, investments, etc.;
• You have any minor children with your spouse;
• Your spouse has committed a fault ground for divorce (adultery, physical abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, etc.);
• You suspect that your spouse’s financial situation may worsen in the near future; or
•  You suspect that your spouse may dispose of marital assets or incur additional debt in the near future.

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If a party cannot prove any of the five divorce grounds, he/she may still seek a legal separation, which is called a "Decree of Separate Maintenance" in South Carolina.  In an action for separate maintenance, the Court can still address many issues on a permanent basis, such as asset/debt distribution, alimony and spousal support, child custody, child support, and visitation, etc.  However, the key difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that the parties are still married, but their relationship with is legally and specifically defined.

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Before a party may file an action for divorce or separation, at least one of the parties must have been a resident of South Carolina for more than one year, or both spouses must have resided in South Carolina for at least three months.

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