South Carolina Family Law Blog : Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Stevens-MacPhail Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

The new passport requirements that complicated travel this past summer have also uncovered vast numbers of parents who owe back child support.  Through its Passport Denial Program, the State Department denies passports to noncustodial parents who owe more than $2,500 in back child support. Once the owing parent has satisfied their child support arrearage, they may reapply for a passport.

Considering that millions of additional travelers are now required to have passports to fly back from Mexico, Canada, the Caribbean, and South America, collections under the Passport Denial Program are on pace to almost double this year.  States have reported collecting at least $22.5 million through the program thus far in 2007.  Perhaps this is one program that the government has finally gotten right.

Source: "New Passport Rules Help Recover Back Child Support" by Dan Nunley, published at his Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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What happens when parents cannot agree on issues pertaining to their children? In the past, this situation typically resulted in both parents hiring attorneys, going to Court, slugging it out, and ultimately having a Judge decide the issues for them. Fortunately, there is another option available today for parents facing this situation: utilize a parenting coordinator.

Parenting coordinators usually have backgrounds as mental-health professionals, lawyers or mediators, and they typically have completed a training certification course. Basically, these professionals attempt to establish rules or communication procedures to help parents work together more effectively, and I believe that they can be very helpful in that capacity. Some states can mandate the use of a parenting coordinator, though I am not aware of that ever being done in South Carolina.

Parenting coordinators usually analyze the parents’ communication styles and parenting techniques, and then they suggest ways to improve any deficient areas. In some cases, the coordinators will get input from the children to get their points of view. The goal of the parenting coordinator should be to give parents the skills to resolve disputes themselves, as they are really the best people to make decisions concerning their children.

Situations involving extremely high-conflict parents, domestic violence, substance abuse, or severe mental illness are probably not good candidates for involvement by parenting coordinators. Similarly, I believe that while it might make sense for parents to grant the coordinator the ability to decide “minor” issues should an impasse arise, they should not delegate more important decisions. For instance, I do not believe that parenting coordinators should make decisions that affect the rights of parents, such as custody modifications, relocation decisions, and the like.

Source:  "A Referee for Mom and Dad" by Rachel Emma Silverman, published in The Wall Street Journal.

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I have written several posts on this blog about Parental Alienation Syndrome, such as here, here, and here.  To get another lawyer's take on this subject, I present the following article published by Dan Nunley at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog a few months ago:

Statistics show that approximately one in two marriages end in divorce and about ten percent of those divorces involve child custody battles.  During these emotionally charged proceedings, some children exhibit emotional detachment from one or both parents.  The cause of this emotional detachment is unknown and the issues involved are complex.

One suggested theory, developed by the late Richard A. Gardner, M.D., has come to be known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS).  PAS typically portrays one parent as an evil alienator who through consistent brainwashing is responsible for turning an impressionable and vulnerable child against the innocent, enstranged parent.   As a result of this brainwashing, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the enstranged parent.

PAS is becoming an issue in more and more custody cases.  However, the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to its statement on PAS.

The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children.

Read more about PAS in this recent article from Lawyers Weekly USA.

Source:  "Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Dan Nunley, published at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

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I previously posted how online resources can help parents better work together, which will benefit their children.  Online calendars, like Google Calendar, can help parents (whether living together or apart) keep track of their children's activity schedule, which can be hectic and change frequently.

Parents who are separated or divorced can track the child's physical custody (or visitation) schedule, as seen in this example.  Using the calendar in this manner helps both parents will know when the children will be with them on a given day, which helps them arrange transportation for the children's various activities.  The online calendar can also document which parent had the child on which day in case a dispute arises later.  As an added bonus, the calendars print out nicely (like in this sample).

Another (though less obvious) type of online resource that can assist separated parents are document / spreadsheet applications, such as Google Docs & Spreadsheets.  Parents have an obligation to pay certain expenses for their children, such as medical expenses that are not covered by insurance; day care costs; clothing and supplies; extracurricular activities; school lunches; etc.  It is surprising how often disputes arise because one parent claims that the other hasn't paid his/her share, only to have that parent claim that he/she never received the necessary information. 

By using an online spreadsheet (like this sample) to track this information, the parents can track the cost for any types of items, determine each parent's share, and show whether or not that amount has been paid.  Online documents could even be used as a type of journal to exchange necessary information in situations where the parents have severe communication problems.

By using these online resources, parents should be able to minimize or greatly reduce communication problems in the future.  Less friction between the parents should result in them having a better working relationship, which will certainly yield happier, better adjusted children.  Please share your thoughts on these (and other) online resources in the Comments section below.

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This post will follow up yesterday's post about the losses that children suffer when their parents divorce.  Today, we will look at ways parents can help their children cope with divorce.  The fact is that parents can have a positive impact on this process, if they will do the following:

1. Reassurance – Reassure them of your love, and your ex-spouses love for them. Remind them frequently that your divorce had nothing to do with them, that they are not at fault, and that your love for them will never change.
2. Flexibility – Be flexible to meet your child’s needs above your own. If your ex has visitation scheduled for a weekend when your son has a soccer game, let your ex go to the game, and you stay home. Try to work together to meet your child’s needs, and not get petty with visitation scheduling.
3. Respect – Never, never, never, speak badly about your ex in front of your children. Always be respectful of your ex in words and actions in front of your kids. If you want to sound off, do that with your friends, never your kids.
4. Curtail Dating – I believe that when you make the decision to divorce, you also make the decision that your kids come first. Don’t begin dating and introducing new people into your kids lives. It will only add to more loss. If you feel the need to date, do so when the kids are visiting your ex, or when they in bed at night. Your time is limited, and it should be spent with your kids. Only introduce someone to your kids if you are engaged and plan on marrying again.
5. Fake It – Sometimes you won’t feel like being kind towards your ex, and that’s when you’ll just have to fake it. Put a smile on your face, be respectful and nice. Remember, the gift of kindness you are giving is not for your ex, it is for your kids. They need that gift most of all.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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In her article, The Devastation of Divorce, Trish Berg states that children of divorce suffer a myriad of losses when their parents divorce.  Ms. Berg says that it’s difficult to understand the impact divorce has on the children's lives until we examine the losses they suffer in this process.  She lists the following five main losses children experience during divorce:

1. Loss of Dad - When parents divorce, typically the dad leaves the home, and may not be present much in the lives of the children. This causes an emotional vacuum for the children, and they may feel rejected, alone, and unloved, no matter how much the single parent loves them.
2. Loss of Money – When dad leaves, so does a lot of the money. Economic resource are, at best, cut in half, at worst, single parent families live in poverty.
3. Loss of Security – Kids of divorce often move to a new, smaller home, in a new town, with a new school. They now have to visit their dad. If mom and dad then begin dating, an entirely new stress is added to their lives. Their sense of stability and security is shaken as their world has forever changed.
4. Loss of Harmony – Many kids whose parents divorce feel caught in the middle. The fighting may have stopped, but now Mom may talk negatively about dad, and dad may gripe about mom, all in front of the kids. Parents may play games with visitation, and hold the children as emotional ransom. This loss of harmony causes tremendous chaos and stress for kids.
5. Loss of Simplicity – Life for children of divorce can get very complicated. They have to schedule everything they do, and remember what weekends they are visiting dad so they don’t play in a soccer league with games then. They have to split heir holiday time - Christmas Eve with dad, Christmas morning with mom. And when life events hit, they have to worry about mom and dad being in the same place. Who will come to my eighth grade graduation? Will they see each other? Will they fight? Family life is now complex and chaotic, and that will last for the rest of their lives.

Note from Ben Stevens:  While I agree with many of Ms. Berg's points, her article presumes that the mother will have custody of the children.  Of course, as I have discussed previously on this Blog, that is not necessarily the case.  Fathers who are active in their children's lives have a good chance of getting custody, if they sincerely desire and take the proper steps to do so.

Source:  "The Devastation of Divorce" by Trish Berg, posted at Inspired Parenting.

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Birthdays and holidays can be especially problematic for newly divorced parents who share custody of their children. Naturally, it will take some time for your family to adjust to the new parenting arrangement. Avoiding confusion, ambiguity and the resulting conflict is essential to maintaining healthy relationship with your children. Emily Doskow at Nolo has written an excellent article outlining 10 tips for recently divorced parents seeking to enjoy holidays without conflict and disappointment.

1. Be Flexible

Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid’s needs.

For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is “officially.”

2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead

Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children’s mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.

3. Be Kind and Generous

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can’t say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their sibling, grandparent, or stepparent.

4. Keep Your Word

Be particularly careful to follow through on whatever promises you make related to the holidays. It’s extra important to keep promises to your kids around holiday times — the holidays are a big deal for kids.

5. Include the Kids In Your Planning

Whenever it’s reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex.

6. Create Two Holidays or Birthdays

Having two holiday or birthday celebrations for the children — one at your house, one at Mom’s — is often a positive solution for extended families. Just make sure that the plans you make are collaborative and that they are made well in advance. This arrangement reinforces for the kids that they have two homes and cements new family rituals and holiday customs.

7. Avoid the Indulgence Trap

Many divorced parents, especially dads, are still reeling from their personal hurt and guilt over the divorce. They may be overwhelmed by these feelings and respond to the children’s pain with too much money or too many gifts. Try to stay away from this unhealthy dynamic with your kids.

8. Take Care of Yourself If You’re Alone

Holiday time can trigger a resurgence of memories and melancholy feelings, especially if you are surrounded by couples and families. As holidays or birthdays approach, if you know you’re not going to get to see your kids, be sure to make your own special plans for the day.

9. Build New Family Traditions

Divorced parents, especially dads, often make the mistake of trying to duplicate exactly the pre-divorce family traditions. But you’ll be much happier and more satisfied if you create your own traditions for your new family.

10. Nurture Your Blended Family at the Holidays

If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family, and get all the kids involved with planning what you’ll do together and incorporating everyone’s traditions.

Birthdays and holidays are special times for you and your kids. Communicate clearly and stay calm and flexible, and your extended family will have something to celebrate.

Source:  "10 Tips for Divorced Parents" by Hugh W. Barrow, published at the Kentucky Family Law Blog.

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A mother who lost custody of her three children in a divorce has argued to the Washington Supreme Court that she should have had an attorney appointed to represent her.  The woman, who only has a ninth-grade education, attempted to get pro bono representation, but she was declined because of the complexity of her case.  As a result, she ended up representing herself, while her husband had an attorney.

Her appeal focuses on the open courts provision of the Washington state constitution includes an open courts provision, which says that justice in all cases should be administered openly, and justice shouldn’t be delayed.  The argument being made by the mother's appellate attorney is that "access" in this instance means "meaningful access," which requires a lawyer.

You can read much more about this novel theory in the article referenced below.  You can also follow this case, King v. King, No. 57831-6-1, at the Washington Supreme Court's website.

Source:  "Mom Wants State to Pay in Custody Battle" by Stephanie Francis Ward, published in the ABA Journal eReport.

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Parents are moving today more than ever.  In fact, I receive calls almost every week about these "parental relocation cases."  One of the (many) issues that the Court considers in such cases is the quality of the schools in each location. 

Fortunately, it is now easier than ever to find out necessary information about educational institutions located far away, thanks to Yahoo Real Estate.  This free service allows you to research both public and private schools in any state by city name or even by zip code.

The information provided includes contact information, enrollment, student to teacher ratio, and location on an interactive map.  There are also reports available on the school's test scores, students, and teachers.  This resource can prove extremely helpful as a starting point when a child's eduction is at issue, and I urge you to check it out.

Source:  "Find School Info With Yahoo School Search" by Wendy Boswell, publishd at LifeHacker.

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There is an old saying that I believe holds true -- "If' Momma's not happy, no one is happy."  Of course, that begs the question, how can mothers stay happy or at least happier?  Parenting.com recommends  the following steps for moms to be happier and more effective:

• Admit when you're stressed
• Get enough sleep
• (Re)consider your priorities
• Go with the flow
• Savor the moment
• Take the long view
• Reconnect with your spouse
• Say thanks

You can read the full article, which includes more about each of these suggestions by clicking HERE.
Source:  "How to be a Happier Mom: 8 Ways to Focus on the Positive" by Robert Barnett, published at CNN.com.  Thanks to David C. Sarnacki for his post on this topic at his Domestic Diversions blog.

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