Spartanburg Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Stevens-MacPhail Law Firm : South Carolina Family Law Serving Columbia, Charleston, Greenville, Hilton Head Island

This is the last half of the final installment of the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series has been a great examination of the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  I truly appreciate Dr. Kuhne for generously allowing me to publish his series on my blog.  Here is Part Five(b):

In the last installment, I introduced the idea that having unclear boundaries in relationships can cause deep hurt and suffering when our emotional, physical, and/or spiritual space is not respected appropriately. The most caring persons can enter into our “space” without our permission and do so much harm even without being fully aware that they are causing this harm.

A common issue I hear from counseling is where the parents or in-laws will intrude upon a couple’s space in the home. Perhaps it is to help take care of the children; perhaps it is to help clean the home; perhaps it is to assist in some way. Even in loving care, when one’s personal, emotional, or spiritual space is entered into without permission/invitation of the other(s) then suffering and hurt can take place -- deep, deep hurt.

This may be a difficult topic to fully understand. This is not to implicate the parents or in-laws out there.  This is just the common issue I hear. It could be grandparents, friends, family, even strangers. Boundaries are important because they help to define the who, the what, and the how of ourselves and assist in the ways we relate to others. For the most part, boundaries are transparent and we don’t see the markers of others because of what we have established in the relationship.

But what if you have a relationship with another where the boundaries are not clearly defined and you feel that someone is using you, taking control of you in some way, and you are suffering because of it? What can you do? For some, the application of “the rule of time” (time will heal all wounds) is the first choice. I don’t think that is a very healthy option to choose.

The very best way to deal with unclear boundaries in relationships is to deal directly with the person(s) you are relating to. Usually the offending person does not mean to hurt and is doing so without full awareness. Taking the time and effort to talk with them usually relieves this fear and helps establish a better and healthier relationship. But what about the parents who come over to the house unexpectantly and then take complete charge of everything? First rule of thumb: reassess where the authority lies. The husband and the wife are the authorities in their own home, not the parents, the parents- in- law or the grand parents.  

Same rule applies to all relationships. Reassess where the authority lies. It is from this personal authority within us (being human being, being a child of God, being a person) that we can speak and clearly communicate to others what our needs are in the relationship. If someone is crossing our boundaries without our permission, then we can speak from that authority and tell them what we are experiencing. Bottom line: each of us has the authority to set forth parameters of the relationship.

Healthy relationships exist in good and close communication. Whether husbands, wives, parents, in-laws, or good friends, no relationship maintains good health without good communication. It is the fear of conflict which leads to unhealthy relationships, not truth, honesty, and clearly defined boundaries.

Reassess where the authority lies in relationships! Take the time and effort to tell those who are hurting you that you are being hurt. Chances are they will honor the opportunity to make it right and continue to be an active part of your life!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is the first half of the final installment of the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series has examined the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  I want to again thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to publish this series on my blog.  Here is Part Five(a):

In this article series, I have introduced four key barriers to the experience of spiritual, physical, and emotional joy in our lives. Those four barriers are: Lack of recreation, anger, spiritual insecurity, and feelings of loneliness and/or not being loved. Each one of these is a barrier to joy because each can manifest a form of pathology in our lives: fear, anxiety, depression, frustration, and other health related concerns. Each is a barrier because each attempts to disconnect us from one another and God.

In these final two installments of this series, I would like to introduce an additional barrier to the experience of joy and that is when there are not clearly defined boundaries in relationships. “The language of personal boundaries mirrors that of property rights. The word boundary is used to define a parcel of land that can be bought, sold, insured, or taxed. Likewise, when we used to describe emotional ‘space,’ it most commonly defines the self, which has unique rights that others should respect. Abuse counselor Pia Mellody, in her book Facing Codependence (Harper, San Francisco, 2003) refers to boundaries as ‘symbolic force fields’ that allow one to have a sense of self.” (Moffit, Yoga Journal, May/June 2005).

I like the idea of symbolic force fields, not to keep everyone out but to define ourselves and have a clear sense of ownership of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Though our souls are not our own in Christ, we have been taught by scripture to be good stewards of ourselves.  That stewardship hints to having a healthy balance physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Boundaries can be emotional, physical, and spiritual. Healthy emotional boundaries are found in those who are balanced in their life and can feel in control of what they sense, feel, believe, and express to others. They know how to respect others appropriately and how not to feel unduly threatened in encounters. Weak emotional boundaries are found when we feel that others have access to our “space” without our permission or against our will, however it is perceived by the self. Unfortunately, there is not enough time or space in this article series to go in any depth about this subject. Suffice it to say, there is much more written about this that warrants further study.

Unclear boundaries in relationships can cause deep hurt and suffering when our emotional, physical, and/or spiritual space is not respected appropriately. Boundary issues typically come in two forms: trespassing and enmeshed. Trespassing is easily recognized, but enmeshed is not. Enmeshment is the inappropriate merging of identities. From over-controlling parents of adult children, to your spouse telling you what to think or believe, your stepmother correcting the way you speak to your children – in front of the kids, your best friend tells you whom you should date, or your boss calls you at home to ask you to do the task he has neglected. In each essence, if you cannot maintain your boundary, you acquiesce and are pulled into someone else’s drama. Who wants to have to be responsible for some else’s drama? Who wants to be in some else’s drama? Not me!

In next week's final installment, I will further discuss some things that one can do to more clearly define oneself and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. We have been created to be in relationship but it takes intentional work to make it work well. See you then!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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Technology is changing the way that people divorce.  In the old days, if you suspected your spouse of being unfaithful, you would hire a private investigator, who would follow your spouse to see exactly what he/she was up to. 

Today, there are many options available to those who suspect their spouse may be cheating.  For instance, The New York Times published an article that looked at digital evidence, such as email messages, history of Web site visits, and cellular telephone records.  Better private investigators now frequently use GPS tracking systems to gain information to aid in their surveillance.

Parties sometimes even use somewhat "questionable" methods of obtaining information about their spouses' activities, such as hacking into email accounts, loading spy software onto computers, and/or placing recording devices on phone lines.  I should point out that these types of methods could result in liability for criminal prosecution and should therefore be avoided.

In my practice, I have noticed that cheating spouses will often take steps to attempt to cover their tracks.  For instance, they may clear their call histories on their cellular phones, delete their internet history, delete emails from both their inbox and trash folders, and/or change their passwords on various accounts.

Resourceful attorneys can issue subpoenas to obtain the opposing party's cellular telephone records, credit card records, and even bank account records to help uncover an unfaithful spouse's activities.  I regularly discuss these types of issues with my clients in certain types of cases, and these methods can yield fruitful results.

If you want more information on this topic, you should read "Tell-All PCs and Phones Transforming Divorce" by Brad Stone, published in The New York Times.  As mentioned above, this article gives several real world examples of how parties and attorneys are dealing with these evolving technology issues in divorce cases.

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This is part four of the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series takes a closer look at the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  Here is Part Four:

To date, I have introduced three key barriers to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically. One was the lack of recreation in one’s life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit). The second barrier is anger, that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives. The third barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is when we feel as if our identity in Christ has been lost or is no longer secure, when we forget whose we are. We can find that trust and security Christ and in our marriages.

A fourth barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is loneliness or the mentally intrusive thoughts that one is not needed or loved. Most everyone has experienced the feelings of loneliness at different places in their lives, that sense of emptiness that somehow seems so deep nothing could fill it. Whether experienced in the death of family or friends, loss of job, marital divorce, or personal problems, loneliness enters in to take control over the mind and heart. With loneliness come its partners in crime: depression, fear, anger, resentment, frustration, the “I am the victim” syndrome, as well as a host of other problems.

The main problem with this 4th barrier is that, in spiritual and psychological reality, it is an untruth. We are neither alone nor not loved. There are numerous scriptures that each speak to God’s continual Presence in our lives and His oversight and leading. Though we may experience times in our lives where God doesn’t seem to intervene enough to protect us or keep us from our own consequences, all of scripture support God’s Promises of continual relationship with us as believers in Christ. Even for those who have no living family members, God has placed caring and loving people in your path. We each have persons involved in our lives who reach out to us in love and care.

The sense or feeling of loneliness can be overpowering and even debilitating to the Christian believer. It is here that the fellowship of believers can be its most valuable. The assembled congregation is not just for weekly worship. The assembled congregation is for relationship with God and with one another. That was the model of the early home churches and that similar concept is seen in the ministry of small groups today. There are organized small groups in our church where these relationships can be formed.

It is sometimes difficult to find those who are lonely and connect with them. They hide really well because they are us. But they are indeed in our midst, persons of great faith and great hope who struggle with those inward feelings that they are no longer needed, wanted, nor loved. Friends, believe the Good News of the Gospel: You are loved, cared for, and you are not alone. God is there and so are His servants, ready to love and be loved.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is the midway point in the five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. This series examines the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  Thanks again to Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to publish this series on my blog.  Here is Part Three:

To date, I have introduced two key barriers to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically. One was the lack of recreation in one’s life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit). The other barrier is anger, that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives.

A third barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is when we feel as if our identity in Christ has been lost or is no longer secure, when we forget whose we are.  If you read in Job, you will read about Job’s wife who encourages him to “curse God and die.” That is indeed the message of the world. When we do not get our way and cannot figure a way out, ditch it all and give up and die. If Job’s wife had been in relationship with God like Job was, she would have known that was not true. Job does get angry with God but he does not die, he lives. God is not about death but about life, not about killing us but about raising us to new life in Him.

There are times in our marriages and personal relationships where we may feel distant or no longer appreciated and cared for. We may lose our sense of security and faith in those we love. It is tests, like these, of the relationship to stand up for your needs and communicate those to your spouse or friend. Without communication and leaps of faith to trust the relationship (and its security), we move into fear, distance, depression, loneliness, depravity and get lost. God wants us to be found. That is why He so quickly is ready to leave the 99 sheep and go in search for the one lost to bring him/her back to the flock.

God’s love for you can build up a security that you can have, not in your own feelings or emotions, but in the facts of the works of Jesus Christ for your personal salvation. You can once again experience Joy in your life with that assurance and security that nothing in this world, the past, the present, or the future world can change that security. Spouses can know that same security within the covenant of their marriage, friends can also share a similar security as they stay connected and invested into one another.

Friends, you can know that know that you know and rest in the peace of that knowledge and faith with God and with one another. And you can know the experience of joy spiritually, physically, and psychologically in your life today.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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This is the second of a five part series, "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  This series takes a look at the things that interfere with the active, intentional experience of joy in our lives.  Here is Part Two:

Last week, I introduced that one key barrier to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically was the lack of recreation ion one’s life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit).

This week, we will address another key barrier to joy which is anger. Anger is that emotion that we feel when we have been hurt in some way. When physically attacked our bodies naturally go into defense mode and anger can be a part of that to ward off an attack. But the anger that I am referring to here is that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives.

One of the ways that anger gets fed is through repeated experiences of inward rejection, being emotionally used by another person, feeling like a scapegoat, taken advantage of in some way, all which speak to our losing of the ability to have a voice in our circumstance.

Depression easily forms when we draw inward to escape from the hurts we experience. No longer feeling as if what we say counts, no longer feeling as if we matter, anger forms within the mind as a defense mechanism to ward off the impending hurt.

Anger can be so powerful inwardly that it can interfere with the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control all can be affected because of seething anger that eats away at our sense of self and well-being.

One of the key remedies to anger is love and forgiveness. Reflecting on the Father’s love for us in Jesus Christ can minister to the deep hurt inside. Speaking to a counselor or minister about the deep hurts inside can help sort out the various feelings and help find the remedy of forgiveness for self and others.

If you find yourself eaten inside by unresolved feelings of anger perhaps reflecting on the Father’s love and the forgiveness we can experience from the Father and the Son can help heal and transform our anger to love and forgiveness. Let God help bring you back into the experience of His joy and the joy of life!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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I am pleased to bring you the exclusive online presentation of "Barriers to Joy" by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT.  I will publish this five part series over the next several Wednesdays, and I hope that it is helpful to you.  Of course, I want to thank Dr. Kuhne for allowing me to present this series to you on my blog.  Here is Part One:

During this new series called Barriers to Joy, I will be addressing various topics of interest that interfere with the active, intentional experience in, of, and by joy in our life, be that spiritual, mental, or physical joy.

The first barrier that I want to share is the lack of recreation in one’s life. Some many interpret recreation to be fun activities and vacations, but the term recreation literally is “re- creation” or to create again.  Without recreation in our lives, we dry up. When we fail to recognize the need to be re-created and energized in our mind, body, and spirit, we reject the renewal of the Lord in our lives.

Look at creation and the seasons of the year for us in South Carolina. We experience the spring blossoming, the heat, the falling leaves and dying of trees and plants, the cold of winter all of which create all the necessary elements to bring forth the blossoming spring once again. Creation is renewed every year.

We need physical activity to energize our bodies. We need mental activities to calm the busyness of the mind and we need spiritual exercises that call us to the peace, love, faith, and joy that only God can provide.

Can you hear yourself as you read this article? You are saying, “I sure wish I could take some time off and do some recreation. That would be really nice, but I have to work to feed the kinds, to pay the bills, to keep going. I would love to re-create but…..”

I would like to propose that lack of scheduled and managed recreation in one’s life is a direct product of lack of joy in one’s life. Some are fortunate to have their employment emulate fun and joy, but even those fortunate need to leave their place of work and be re-created.

This first barrier is a challenge to the reader to re-evaluate themselves. Are you recreating in your life? Are you tending to yourself well? Are you being a good steward of your mind, body, and spirit by participating in renewal and recreational opportunities?

Make a new resolution now. Enjoy some time off for yourself. I promise there will be joyful benefits that will come. Eliminate this first barrier from your life and you will be the better for it for the long term!

In His grace and peace,

Dr. Trey

Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

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Cheating spouses now have one more way to get caught in their philandering.  Electronic toll collection systems are emerging as a powerful means of proving infidelity.  Attorneys can obtain records from these services and use that information to prove that a spouse was not where he/she claimed to be. 

The Associated Press reports that agencies in seven of the twelve states surveyed indicated that they would provide electronic toll information in response to court orders in criminal and civil cases, including divorces.  Even if the state agency refuses to provide the information, it can frequently be obtained from the other spouse through the normal discovery process.

Source:  "Toll Records Trip Up Philanderers" by Chris Newmarker, published at The Huffington Post.

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